He shouldn't have allowed her to go. If she was headed to her death before...she was practically ensuring it now. To face Corypheus without the support of their troops...would he see her again? Not that they had much choice but to allow her to go. Corypheus knew their troops were not back at Skyhold, so he had to draw her out. Cullen could only pray that her companions and what few soldiers remained at Skyhold would be enough.

The thought of it not being enough made him sick. If she didn't survive this, and he wasn't there beside her to help... Maker, why hadn't he demanded to go with her? At least then he would be certain of her safety. That, or he would die before any harm could come to her.

He couldn't lose her.

Standing out on the battlements, Cullen stared out over the path leading to Skyhold, and occasionally glancing at the sickeningly green hole in the sky. He knew nothing would come anytime soon, but he could not rest or bring himself to do anything other than wait until Ellana was back, and he could feel that she was real. Until then, he could not focus on anything else.

"Commander."

He recognized Leliana's voice, but he made no attempt to turn his gaze toward her.

"You should rest. She wouldn't want you to worry yourself sick."

"She can reprimand me when she returns. Until then...I will worry."

It was true, Ellana would hate to see that she was the reason behind his lack of rest, but surely she would not be able to blame him. At least in this case, she must understand that any attempt at rest would be pointless anyway.

It didn't help that even she seemed uncertain of her success.

The day she found him praying, he saw the uncertainty in her eyes. It broke his heart. He couldn't bring himself to think of her being unsuccessful, so to hear her own doubts...how could he comfort her?

"What if I can't...? Cullen, if I don't..."

"Maker no. Whatever happens you will come back."

"Is that an order, Commander?"

"No, but as one of your advisors, I strongly recommend it."

"If you say so."

She had laughed slightly before her last comment on the matter, but he knew she was worried. He was, too. Unfortunately, there was little that could be done when she was the only one who could stand up to Corypheus. What he would give for anyone else to be able to take that burden from her.

"If you need anything, do let someone know."

Leliana's voice forced Cullen from his thoughts. He forgot she was there. However, he only offered a short nod to her comment. Listening to her retreating steps, he wondered how long he could stand there and keep his vigil. His headache was sharp, but the dread in his chest was worse. It was enough to allow him to ignore his withdrawal symptoms, but he would take the worst of the symptoms over the ache in his chest.

It would be worse if those few moments before her departure were the last he would have with her...

Tracking her down was easy. There was a commotion all around Skyhold as everyone rushed about to get ready to leave as soon as possible to face Corypheus. The hard part was finding at least a somewhat secluded area so he could speak with her. "Inquisitor. Might I have a word?" He would have used her name, but with how many people were around, a lack of using her proper title might cause a drop in morale, and they couldn't risk it. When she nodded to his request, he was quick to pull her off to the side, out of earshot from the bustling activity surrounding Skyhold.

"I've changed my mind," he stated in a low voice, his mouth near her ear to keep eavesdropping to a minimum.

"Wha-?"

"It is an order."

He pulled back slightly to see her reaction, and it took a moment before realization of what he meant dawned on her. It seemed he managed to bring her a small smile, even if strained. Cullen hoped that once this was all over, he would never have to see her strain to smile again. Ellana wrapped her arms around him, holding him close, saying nothing for a dreadfully long moment.

"Who am I...t-to disobey an order?"

It would have been far more reassuring if her voice didn't break, but he could ask for nothing more in that moment. Tightening his hold on her, not caring if people saw them, Cullen didn't want to let her go. However, fate would not allow time to freeze so he could keep her there. Her grip loosened first, and the unshed tears he saw in her eyes made his heart clench.

"I love you," she whispered.

"And I you... Please come back, Ellana."

Even thinking about it now brought back the emotions of that moment.

He couldn't escape it.

Eventually it was difficult to continue standing out on the battlements, so he moved back to his office and took a seat, keeping his chair near the arrowslit so he could at least see something if it happened. However, exhaustion eventually caught up to him.

His dreams were plagued with nightmares, but none of the usual ones from his time at the Ferelden Circle or Kirkwall. Instead Haven tortured him, as well as all the times Ellana could have-and probably should have-died. The thought of her eyes gazing lifeless up at the sky, and her broken body was too much-

A knock jolted him from his sleep. Standing immediately, he glanced around his office, noticing the darkness of the room. How long had he been sleeping? Cullen felt his heart racing, and he knew the stress was far more than he ever wanted to experience again.

Another knock.

"Come in." His voice sounded strained to his own ears, but there was little that could be done about that given the current situation. Though, it seemed that Leliana was back instead of sending a messenger to do the job for her. Straightening up, unsure if she was bringing good or bad news, or news at all, he stared at her. Please let it not be bad news. "Yes?"

"I have received word from those that went to face Corypheus."

She must be torturing him on purpose by not immediately stating what he desperately needed to know. Even if not intentionally, it seemed their spymaster was a sadist. He said nothing, however, waiting for her to say what she came to say. Cullen wasn't certain he could even form a proper question as the anticipation wore at him.

"The Inquisitor sealed the Breach once more, and she is alive."

The relief that flooded him forced him to return to his chair, uncertain his legs could support his weight at the moment. She was alive. He hadn't lost her to that monster.

"Thank the Maker."

"They will take a few days longer to return to Skyhold, however," Leliana added. "Some members of the party suffered injuries that will delay travel; though, most of the worst injuries appear to be from those stationed there before Corypheus' arrival. Those who did not already die from their injuries before the Inquisitor arrived, that is."

He should ask her for the names of those lost, if they had them. He should take the time and send word to their families, if they had any, about their loss... But he was too focused on the fact that Ellana would return. It was selfish, he knew, but he was only human. He would tend to his duties soon, but for this moment, he needed the relief that her survival gave him.

She was not lost to him.

"Thank you...for letting me know."

"It was no problem, Commander. Everyone will be relieved to hear that she is alive and will return to us. Though, I suspect that you needed the news far more than anyone else. I have taken the liberty of getting some of the names of those lost in the battle. They are not all listed as of right now, but it will give you a start for the letters you will undoubtedly have to send. And while you are busy with that, Josie will be busy trying to prepare a party for when everyone returns."

"A party?"

She laughed. Why was she laughing?

"Of course. The Inquisition brought down a darkspawn magister, and you expect there to be no celebration? Josie has already sent orders in for cakes and other refreshments. I believe she is now working on the invitations. You should get rest so you can be at your best, Commander."

A party wasn't exactly something he had in mind when all of this was done, but he could see the logic behind it. They were victorious in their goal, and he was grateful, but that meant dealing with guests that would demand everyone's time. Namely Ellana's. It would be somewhat annoying, but he would endure it until they could escape the party. Perhaps she would even enjoy a chance to relax and celebrate. He would not be the one to deny her that.

"Of course."

Days passed, and he was getting impatient for Ellana to return. He knew she was alive, but he needed to see her for himself. The more time passed, the more he was wondering if he was just dreaming the conversation with Leliana. Though, the party planning should have put an end to those concerns, Cullen couldn't help but to have a stray thought that it was all a demon trying to make him think everything was going well for once.

Pacing around his office became his pastime when he took a break from his work, and often messengers acted like he would snap at them if they took the wrong step. Leliana warned him that trustworthy messengers would be difficult to replace if he scared them all away. It was worse now because Ellana was scheduled to return that day, but no word had come yet.

The sound of a horn put an abrupt halt in his pacing.

They were back.

It didn't take long for him to start out of his office and toward the main hall so he could at least meet her on the stairs. He would greet her at the gates if he didn't think it would set a bad example. Actually, that was Josephine's interpretation of the situation, especially with visiting nobles that rushed to Skyhold in the last few days. He should be professional and treat her as any that held a position higher than his own. He should-

Maker's breath, there she was.

Cullen was surprised with his self-control; though, it probably helped that Josephine and Leliana were standing with him as well.

Bowing to their Inquisitor when she was in front of them, he decided decorum be damned and moved forward to bring her into his embrace. She was there, and she was safe; he could relax.

They just had a party to endure before he could express everything he was thinking to her, but he could wait a few more hours.

They had time.