A/N: this took me so many tries. anyways its a mess and im trash

"Hey Rae, what's going on?" Bellamy came up behind Raven, watching as a group of grounders loaded up their horses.

"Clarke's gone," she answered.

"What? Gone where?" he frowned.

"She's gone, Bell, as in missing!"

Bellamy's expression softened, "do they know where she is?"

"No, what don't you understand by missing? God. Lexa's leading a search party, she thought she might've had an idea where she was but I don't know. They're leaving as soon as they're ready."

"Should Lexa really be leaving camp right now? With everything that's going on?"

"You try stopping her."

"Heda, it's almost dark, we should go back," one of Lexa's guards said carefully. They were getting closer to the same clearing they had been at three times already.

"Do not tell me what to do," Lexa snapped. She knew he was right though, she just didn't want to admit it. They had been to all of Clarke's favourite places, searching for hours without success, and she feared her suspicions might be right. "We take one last round around that side and then we go back," she said and sped up towards the clearing, leaving her guards with no other choice but to follow.

Raven knew there was a reason Clarke was gone, she just didn't know what it was. If she could figure that out, maybe she'd know where to look for her. No one had spoken to or seen her since she went to her room the night before, so she decided to go look there in case there was anything hinting to where she had gone. At first sight there was nothing out of the ordinary, but Ravens gut was screaming at her to keep looking and it was usually right. She tried imagining what Clarke would do in her room, to backtrack her steps. When that gave her nothing she gave up trying to be clever and started tearing the room apart. Her best friend was missing and she was damn sure going to do everything in her power to help find her. Just as she was about to give up her search she saw a tiny piece of paper sticking out of the book on the nightstand. It was obviously Bellamy's book and he kept his books immaculate, so a normal rip in the pages was out of the question. Of course she would hide something in Bellamy's boring ass history book, she thought and shook her head. She read the note and the colour immediately drained from her face. Fucking hell, Griffin, what were you thinking? Raven threw the book on the floor and walked as fast as she could to find Octavia.

The minute Lexa entered the gates of their camp a young boy came running, "Heda, the black bird has found something in the sky girl's room!"

Lexa immediately jumped off her horse and handed the reigns to the nearest person before taking off after the boy. She burst through Raven's door, making both her and Octavia jump.

"You found something?" she asked, a little out of breath.

"Yes. After you left I kept thinking about Clarke and how she wouldn't go without a fight, or at least have a pretty good reason to leave so I thought I'd check out her room you know, maybe she left something there so I-"

"Rae you're rambling," Octavia interrupted.

"Right, sorry. Anyway, I found a note."

"A note?" Lexa asked. "That's all?"

"You won't be saying that's all when you read it," Raven said and handed Lexa the note.

She hadn't kept count but Octavia was sure Lexa had walked across the floor at least a thousand times. She thought she could see the beginning of a dent. She had never expected to see the commander like this, but she was glad she did. Lexa was always so regal. Always kept her head up and her back straight. Her face was void of any emotion. She was the picture of calm. Right now she was the complete opposite. Her coat was abandoned on a chair and there was a hint of slouch in her posture. The bags under her eyes betrayed her and she was chewing the inside of her mouth raw. The commander was stressed. If Octavia was going to be honest the entire Clarke/Lexa thing didn't make sense to her at first, but as she got to know Lexa more she realised they were meant for each other.

"What if we-" Lexa started but cut herself off, "no, that would raise too much suspicion." She continued pacing the floor.

"How about we just sleep on it? We've been here for hours but no one's come up with anything," Bellamy said.

"Speak for yourself Baloney," Raven said while scribbling furiously on a piece of paper. There was complete silence while they waited for her to continue. "Okay guys, I think I have a plan," Raven looked at the people surrounding the table. "Here's how we do it..."

Clarke was tired. She was so tired and just wanted to sleep, but the throbbing in her head and the pounding of her heart made it impossible. She didn't know where all the pain originated so she just assumed it was everywhere. She was starving, she hadn't been given much to eat, only a few pieces of burnt bread and a few cups of water. She didn't know how she was going to get out of this one. All she wanted was to keep her friends safe and now she was going to pay for it. They had probably noticed she was gone by now, but how would they know where to find her? She really wished she hadn't hidden that note, or even gone in the first place without telling someone. It's not like they would know if she left Lexa a note, or whispered to Octavia in passing. No one was coming for her. No good deeds went unpunished and Clarke was learning that quickly. There was no mercy on the ground.

No matter how trained Lexa was at schooling her expression, nothing could prepare her for this moment. There she was. The one who killed her first love and kidnapped her second. The one who was challenging her position as Commander and threatening those she cared about; the sister she lost so many years ago.

"Seems you left your heart unguarded again. Did you learn nothing from last time?" Ayandra asked calmly.

"Where is she?"

"Come on, Lexa. Don't you want to have a little chat? It's been so long… sister," Ayandra said and Lexa was clenching her jaw so much it hurt. She had never expected to hear Ayandra say that word ever again. It had a bigger impact on her than she thought. "Clarke is safe. Well, alive at least."

"What do you want?"

"What do I want? Do you really have to ask?" Ayandra was getting agitated and started raising her voice before calming herself again. "Isn't it obvious?"

"Why don't you explain it to me?" Lexa tried to remain calm.

"After all this time you really haven't figured it out?" Ayandra took a step closer to Lexa. She was raising her voice again and made no indication that she was calming down. "When the Commander spirit showed itself in you, mom and dad were so proud of their little girl," she sneered.

"What does th-" Lexa started but Ayandra stopped her.

"That was supposed to be me! I was supposed to become Commander, I trained for it!" Her breathing was now heavy and she was visibly fuming. "I was forgotten the second the spirit was found."

"You chose to run away. Mom and dad were devastated."

"Oh please. They probably didn't even notice I left."

"Of course they noticed but how would you know?! I was the one who had to listen to mother cry herself to sleep every night. I was the one who had to go out hunting after an entire day of training because dad couldn't. I was the one to pick up the pieces of losing you. I took it upon me so they didn't have to. I didn't ask for this." Lexa hadn't planned on saying all these things, but for once she was letting herself feel what the loss of her sister did to her family. These weren't memories she revisited often. She found that keeping them at a distance permanently worked better than having to dig them up and spend time working through it. She did this with Costia as well. Keeping herself busy by hunting, visiting the clans and keeping the Coalition intact until these memories were nothing but a speck of dust on her horizon. Before she could go any further however she heard yelling before several explosions went of in the distance, rapidly moving closer. The panicked look on Ayandra's face would be permanently etched in Lexa's head, and this was certainly a memory she would revisit often.

She didn't have much time to enjoy it because suddenly her sister was charging at her, sword lifted high above her head. Lexa quickly ducked away before reaching behind her, grabbing her own swords just in time to block another charge.

"I have waited so many years for this," Ayandra sneered as they circled each other. By now Lexa's army had stormed in and there was fighting all around, and it seemed as no one noticed the family feud about to happen.

Lexa leapt forward and swung her swords in a series of attacks which her sister easily blocked, before she finally hit her on the side of her head with the back of her sword. Lexa circled her slowly as she recovered from the blow.

"Do you really think you can beat me? I am the Commander!" Another hit with the back of her sword, which Ayandra countered by kicking Lexa's legs, making her falter.

"I have trained many years before you, and several after." A knee connected with Lexa's jaw and she fell on her back. She stayed still while Ayandra positioned her sword at her throat. "Any last words dear sister?"

"Lexa!"

Lexa's head snapped to her right. Clarke? They found her? Her vision was a little blurred from the knee to her jaw but she could make out the distinct blonde hair in the distance.

"Lexa watch out!"

She turned her head again just in time to roll out of the way as Ayandra plunged the sword towards her. As she rolled around Lexa she kicked the feet from under her sister. They were both on the ground now, struggling against each other. Punches were thrown and they rolled around trying to get the upper hand on the other. Suddenly all Lexa sees is the sky above her and she's gasping for air. Ayandra had her in a choke hold, and she struggled against her, trying to get loose. Her vision was blurring and she could feel herself almost fainting.

"Lexa!"

She could hear her name being called out from far away. Too far away. Her thoughts were all over the place now. This couldn't be the way she went. Not after everything she's done. To die from a simple choke hold at the hands of her sister? That is no way for a commander to die. What would happen to everything she leaves behind? The Coalition. The kids waiting for a better future. Clarke. Oh god, Clarke. The girl who fell from the sky and awakened something in her that she thought died a long time ago. She couldn't leave now, no way. She clenched her jaw together, leaned her head forward as far as she could and braced for impact. She swore she could feel the bones crack in the skull behind hers and the hold on her throat weakened. Lexa rolled around on her stomach and grabbed a hold of the discarded sword on the ground beside her. She slowly got up on her feet, swaying a little and heaving for air. She kicked her sister in her already broken nose and stared at the figure beneath her.

"Did you really think you could do it?"

"Go on! Finish it! Drive that sword through my chest!"Ayandra spit a mouthful of blood at Lexa's feet. "Could you live with this on your conscience? Killing your sister?"

Lexa's chest was heaving. There is was again, that word. Sister. This woman in front of her was not her sister. She was not the kind, caring and protecting older sibling she adored. She didn't know this woman. The only thing recognizable was the scar. That damn scar. It really was the only thing left of Lexa's fierce protector. This wasn't her sister.

Lexa lifted the sword with both her hands and with a determined look on her face she drove it straight through the chest of the person lying beneath her, listening to the gargling sound of a woman's dying breath.