Chapter 13

Oswald's POV…

Weeks had gone by without two real words between Mary and I. We had returned to that state we had been in when she first stumbled upon me in that alley that first night. I was just Oswald again though I didn't know if I was necessarily hers anymore while she was Mary, but not just that. She was Mrs. Maroni, the wife of my enemy, and in those roles only then did words as plastic and false pass between us. We were as apart as we could be and there seemed to be no end to this argument that had cut us to pieces. Every day I looked at her and every day, I knew I wanted to see her, and tell her what a fool I'd been even as something inside myself kept my lips sealed tight. It pained me, this fight between us, and yet I hadn't tried to fix it yet. I knew I could end it at any time. That I could go to her and we could reunite in the same way we had only months before yet even as I knew that I didn't try to fix anything. The days passed then they turned to weeks and as time passed, I was keenly aware that it would turn to weeks if I didn't do something. Even then I still didn't do anything. I let her walk passed me day after day never hinting that I wanted to makeup with her. I let it go on and as I did, I didn't know it, but my chances at redemption was fading away. As it did, I had no explanation as to why I was letting it. Maybe because I was under some manly notion that I was right, and she had to apologize to me.

Maybe because I didn't know what to say. It took words of irony coming from my own mouth to make me see that if I didn't want to lose Mary again, I had to be a man. It happened one night when I was visiting my mother.

"You make your momma so happy when you are here" said my mother, she was going on and on about this and that, but I didn't hear her as my thoughts seemed to be elsewhere more so then they had been in the weeks since I had told her I was alive.

"Oswald, are you listening?" exclaimed my mother making me look at her my mind still on Mary as I did, maybe because I hadn't told her about our meeting each other again, and as I looked at her I decided to tell her then though I can't be sure why.

We had just finished having dinner though my mind wasn't with her.

"Oswald?" said my mother again her hand touching my shoulder as she called out to me in her way my eyes suddenly looking right at her again.

"What is wrong, my son, your mind is not here with me?" said my mother touching my face as if to sooth me.

"Oswald…do not lie to your momma…she knows when there is something" exclaimed my mother as I looked away from her. I wasn't surprised that she didn't believe me. She could always see right through me and now was no different. Yet, I couldn't look at her as Mary stayed on my mind as if challenging me to tell my mother that the girl she'd chased from my life once upon a time had returned to be my love once more. Even then I tried to deny the ache that had started in my heart and spread everywhere else, but my mother wasn't having it. With each demand to know what was bothering me my resolve began to waver and I knew now would be the time to tell her about the return of my Mary.

"What is it, my son, tell your momma" said my mother taking my hand now. She was sitting right in front of me now and when I looked into her eyes suddenly the truth seemed to spill free without a care in the world to the consequences.

"Do you remember that girl I brought to meet you once a long time ago?" I whispered saying it as if I expected her not to even though Mary was the only girl, I'd ever brought to her. I watched as my mother sat straight up as her grip on my hand became all the stronger. She was staring squarely into my eyes and there was a flash of recognition in her eyes that chilled me. I knew that flash didn't bode well even as some small part of me hoped it did. Something sickly entered me to churn in the center of my gut as I waited for some other response other then this cold still silence.

"That girl…slut girl that you brought to me your momma…I remember. Momma's not forget. She terrible slut girl…you do well, my son, you rid yourself of her" said my mother her voice chilly as it wafted over me.

"No mother, she wasn't, you just never took the time to get to know her" I exclaimed before she abruptly cut me off.

"As I say, a mother knows" snapped my mother before I found myself wrenching my hand away from her.

"Mother stop…if you had just taken the time to understand her…to know her. Mary is a good woman, fine and strong like you, and I love her. I've always loved her…Mary and I, we've come together again to be together" I said it louder then I meant to as I stood looking down at her even as she rose to stand beside me clearly not hearing a word I said.

"No, my son, she is all wrong for you. You must leave slut be and find good woman to take care of you. This woman will ruin you; slut will ruin you and make you dirty" exclaimed my mother standing to tower over me. It was as she stood there calling her a slut that it brought me back to the fight between us and suddenly, I was standing too.

"No mother. Mary was never a slut or a whore or any of those foul words. I let you hurt her, and I hurt her. I'm this way because of my own actions" I exclaimed, leaving the apartment. My first instinct was to go after Mary, to apologize, but I knew it wasn't safe.

Even as I realized the mistake, I'd made with Mary again, I couldn't just run to her, and declare myself. She was still Don Maroni's wife and by doing that I would not just be risking my own life, but hers as well. More time passed and as my value to both Don's Maroni and Falcone increased more, my heart was still torn because Mary and I were still apart in more ways then I wished us to be. The opportunity just never seemed to be there to tell her the things I had to tell, but it was just after Don Falcone gained Indian Hill that the time came for me to makeup to her the wrong, I had done. It seemed like any other day when Mary came to the restaurant for lunch for her husband, but on that day the time came for me to finally end this fight between us. When it did, I found myself watching her, and I felt a sadness as I realized the things, she'd had to do to survive this life. So many terrible things and yet, she had gained nothing except her life. There was no happiness in her eyes only a resolve to survive by whatever means. I didn't plan it, it just happened one day when she appeared at the restaurant for lunch with her husband, but he was too busy. I watched her without watching her all that day. As I did, I just wanted to reach out to touch her, but I didn't dare. I merely watched her as she sat alone still unsure what would make things right between us. The longer I watched her the surer I became that I'd never get the chance to make things right between us when suddenly the opportunity presented itself.

"I may not get any other chance" I thought as I watched Mary enter the women's restroom moving seconds behind her to follow.

"Mary" I said her name as I entered the bathroom as discreetly as I could, but when I turned, she hadn't heard me as she only stood there as if contemplating herself. Mary looked tired as she stood with her hands braced on the sink and her eyes were intent on the mirror. There was something in her eyes when I looked at them from within the mirror. It was more then tired or scared or even sad and it pained me to see that look in her eyes as I watched her stand there.

"Mary" I whispered her name this time when she didn't react to my presence, but it wasn't until then that she looked at me finally seeing me.

"Go away" said Mary when she saw me merely turning and trying to walk right passed me, but I blocked her path making her look right into my eyes. She still tried to walk away, but I wasn't going to let her. I suddenly didn't care where we were, I couldn't let things continue as they were between us, and as I grabbed her shoulders to hold her in place, I couldn't deny that I had missed holding her this way. That seemed to draw her attention and she looked at me as if waiting to see what I could possibly have to say.

When she did, I couldn't blame her for her anger as she looked into my eyes, and the longer she did, the more I realized that there was pain in her eyes mixed in there along with everything else. As I held her in place though, I didn't know how to fix it.

Mary's POV…

Those first few days after what happened between Oswald and I pained me. I wanted to go to him, but I couldn't just forgive him after everything that had been said. I couldn't hide it as tears filled my eyes or as they spilled over onto my cheeks. I didn't need to though because no one seemed to notice them as the days passed or if they did, they failed to understand their meaning. My husband was the most clueless of them all. On the nights when my tears lulled me to sleep, he actually thought they were for his fallen brother Frankie, and I couldn't even find the words to explain anything even if I'd wanted to. I just let him think that as the days spilled into weeks and our fight drew itself out into something that felt like a permanent separation. It reminded me of those days just after he left me the first time, only this time, he hadn't disappeared because I still saw him each day. Yet as those days passed, my mind often wandered back to that morning when everything had turned between Oswald and I, and as it did, my mind began to fight my heart for control over the decisions of my life.

"You don't need him; you could get away all on your own. You've been doing that all along" I thought it as the time passed finding that seeing Oswald every day left me with no expectations and no idea as to what remained between, he and I. I caught him looking at me sometimes and, in the beginning, I hoped in those early days that our quarrel would end, but after awhile I stopped thinking that. After a while, I came to realize that every time Oswald looked at me that he wasn't really seeing me, but only seeing some damsel waiting to be rescued. I tried to tell myself that that wasn't who I was, but after awhile I couldn't anymore. I realized that that was exactly what I was, and I found I didn't want to be that anymore.

Weeks passed and the longer he looked at me, the more I began to realize that Oswald was waiting for me to come crawling back to him.

"I don't have anything to apologize for" I thought it without realizing it when I caught him looking at me one day knowing somehow that deep down inside I was right especially when I walked past him out of the restaurant that night. Oswald wanted me to apologize for surviving in Gotham. Gotham, a place that really was live or die every single day. He wanted me to come back and be his lady waiting for him to rescue me, but I found I didn't want that anymore. I wanted to somehow save myself yet even as I thought that that didn't just end everything that Oswald and I had. I knew that as I walked past him that night because part of me truly was tempted to go to him and make peace, but some stronger part wanted something else entirely. That was when the tears stopped and something else seemed to form within me. An anger, but also a new determination that I couldn't remember having before. I kept seeing him the way he had looked that morning when he'd called me a whore without even having to say the words and I couldn't cry over Oswald anymore. That time had come to an end and now, I didn't know where to begin, so I simply tried to work it all out making each decision one step at a time. That anger stayed with me the entire time too. It fueled me and after that I didn't look at Oswald the same way anymore. I couldn't, maybe because I wasn't the same woman, I'd been a few short weeks ago. I wouldn't beg for forgiveness, but make people ask it of me now.

Oswald could judge me for the things I'd done. He was looking at me and judging even as he did the same thing each day. He put his life on the line, but I wasn't supposed to. I was just supposed to be the pretty little thing that stood on the sidelines waiting for him. I wasn't content with that anymore as that anger within me settled somewhere within one corner of my heart. He thought I was a whore, he kept saying he was going to save me, and as I thought of that I became all the more upset as I thought of him waiting for me to come back to him.

"I don't need him to save me" I thought it, the words settling somewhere inside me.

"I can save myself" I thought it more fiercely then the first thought. I just had to do as I'd been doing since he left me the last time. I had to survive. Not just in Gotham as I'd been doing, but as Maroni's wife. It was dangerous, but I was used to that as those first few days passed. It had always been dangerous, only I'd seemed to have forgotten that in the time that Oswald had returned, but now I remembered. I knew what I needed to do and while I wasn't sure how I was going to do it yet; I wasn't content to sit on the sidelines waiting to be rescued anymore.

That began the early days of my plan to escape Maroni on my own. That new resolve was weighing heavy on my mind when Oswald found me in that bathroom. I didn't even see him at first, but when he came upon me then, the urge to go to him still hadn't left me, but as I stomped down on that urge, I found I couldn't stay in the same room with him. I looked at him and I could still feel that he wasn't entirely seeing me. I knew he loved me, but I couldn't hang onto that as I looked at him. Because part of me wanted him to suddenly understand these things roiling around in my head, but I didn't think he ever would. While I loved him as much as I ever had, my anger remained to join that love, and it solidified my resolve to escape from this life without his help.

"Leave me alone, Oswald, you made it clear what you thought of me last time we were together" I exclaimed staring passed him as he held me by the shoulders. I looked at him when his grip didn't leave me, and I knew he wasn't going to let me go. There was something he needed to say, and I knew then that I wouldn't be leaving that room until he said it.

Oswald didn't budge though, his grip became all the stronger as he looked at me, and I didn't know what he was going to say.

"Oswald…please just let me go" I whispered it now as my eyes found his. I had almost threatened to scream, but I knew he was smarter than that. He would see right through that and yet he still didn't move. I found we could only look at each other in a silence altogether forced until he finally broke it.

"I'm so sorry, Mary…I don't know how to apologize, but I know I've hurt you. I know nothing I say will fix it, but I want things to be right between us again" said Oswald his voice entirely sincere. As he spoke, he leaned in close so that only I could hear and as he did, he held me close to his chest. His grip seemed to loosen, and he was no longer holding me there, but simply holding me just as he'd done many times before our quarrel. As I looked at him, I was still angry with him, but even in the haze of my anger, I knew he meant every word he said. Even as I knew that though, I knew I couldn't go back to the place we were in before, and I knew I couldn't be lulled by the warm security of his embrace. I had to get out of there and away from him if I didn't want to go back to being his damsel in distress. Yet as he held me, I found that leaving him wasn't that easy even as I tried to do it. Suddenly, I just pushed him away, and as he stood still blocking the door, I knew there was no just getting around him. He looked at me, clearly unsure what was happening to us, and I honestly didn't know either. In that moment, all I knew was that it couldn't be the way it was, and I didn't know any other way to show him that things had changed so much between us now.

"What do you want, Oswald, you made what you thought of me clear. I don't want to hear it anymore. You think I'm a whore and I don't know if you can make that right. You said what you think…it hurt…now though, I don't know if there's any going back" I whispered the words when I wanted to scream them slowly backing away as the words stumbled forth.

"I didn't mean that, Mary…you know how I feel for you" exclaimed Oswald reaching for me, but I backed away even more. I knew how he felt, I'd always known even after he left me the first time, but I couldn't dwell on that in that moment. The fact that he loved me wasn't enough anymore.

"You're right, Oswald, I do know how you feel, but I'm not so sure it matters anymore. You can't just stop feeling how you feel about me or thinking the way you do about me. The truth is…I should have seen this coming…I should have known you'd see me this way…but I guess I didn't want to. I wanted us to be together so badly I hoped you could see passed the things I've had to do to survive until now, but you never were. This was always going to happen, it was just a matter of when, and how. The truth is I shouldn't have been so blind as to think you could save me. I should have been trying all this time to save myself, but now that I know that that is exactly what I'm going to do. I can save myself from this life" I exclaimed the words stumbling forth and after they did, Oswald was holding me close again peering into my eyes as he processed everything I'd just said.

"Mary…you know I love you, please, don't give up on me. I love you so much. Don't leave me this way" exclaimed Oswald his voice a pure plea as he released my arms. I didn't expect it when he grabbed me until my face was in his hands and I couldn't look away as he did so. I could only look at him and gather all my strength to keep from kissing him in that moment. We stared right at each other and I honestly didn't know what to expect from him. At first, I thought he would kiss me, part of me even hoped he would, but that kiss never came. He only looked at me and I looked right back as my mind screamed at me to leave him there. I couldn't though as I looked at him finding I couldn't walk away from him like he had done me so long ago. I loved him still and I just couldn't do it.

In that moment, my love and my anger joined into one emotion.

"Oswald" I whispered his name as I brought my hand to touch his cheek needing him to understand that I wasn't giving up on him and that I hadn't stopped loving him, but that I needed to do this myself as I looked at him in that moment.

"I'll always love you. I love you, so much Oswald. You are my Oswald, but I'm not standing on the sidelines as you make your plans. I will free myself now instead of waiting on you to do it for me" I said it softly so only he could hear. After a moment, I stepped away from him, and we looked at each other.

"I will redeem myself in your eyes, Mary. I'll show you that you don't need to save yourself…because I will make you my queen. Because you're my Mary and I love you" said Oswald his voice wavering as he tried to hold himself together his hand reaching out to take mine. I let it shrink away as I walked out of that room feeling his eyes on me.

As I did, part of me still wanted him to save me. If he did, I would love him more for it, but I wasn't going to count on it anymore. From now on, I was my own champion, and I would find a way to save myself.