*** A dedication to cancer victims, survivors and their loved ones. ***
572 and One
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Thursday, 21 November, 2013
Big guy,
It started to rain last night and is raining still. Is it raining there [wherever you're right now] as well?
The rain brings back memories, the memories I want to forget and yet desperately need to keep. I need them in the morning to help me get up and face another day alone. I need them at night to keep the darkness away and loneliness at bay. Do you feel that way too, my friend?
Today rain reminds me of the rainy days of the winter that I broke up with you. I still attended school those days but did my hardest to avoid running into you. There were days when it rained, I'd sit in my car for hours on end and just listen to KOST. One day KOST happened to play 'I Will Remember You' while the rain was coming down in torrents, I felt like crying then as I listened to the song. I wanted to cry but didn't. I couldn't cry and wouldn't cry. I swallowed the bitter tears and sat still. I remained there and listened to the raindrops beating down against the windshield and to the moving voice of Sarah McLachlan. Every time a torrent hit the roof of my car that a lash I felt against my flesh while in my chest there was like a giant fist tightening and gripping out my heart bit by agonizing bit. I remember resting my forehead against the wheel and maybe I fell asleep or just too worn out and slipped into unconsciousness when a Caucasian female —another student who was driving by and looking for a vacant lot—honked and her honking woke me up. I opened the window to see what she wanted. She spoke loudly to beat against the pouring rain asking 'Are you OK?' I wanted to say 'No, I'm not OK. I feel dead.', but I only nodded and thanked her.
I don't know how death feels like, but the feeling I felt that day was the strangest, intensely painful yet most numbing feeling I'd ever experienced before in my whole life. I felt dead inside but all in the while I had to keep up the act that I was doing just fine. And there were days I even skipped class and drove around, aimlessly. I skipped one class at first then two and eventually I couldn't take it anymore, I dropped out after one month. I also changed major when I resumed my education.
Can you hear raindrops on the windows? Or on the awnings? Can you hear that musical sound when raindrops touch the leaves of tangerine trees outside by our room? No, not ours but yours. And probably yours and someone else's now. Can you smell that earthy smell when it rains after warm and sunny days? Do you ever go outside and catch the raindrops coming down from patio roof like the times you did with me? Or do you sometimes look at morning dew on the leaves or newly fallen raindrops on the lawn and recall what I once said to you about life cycle and nature beauty?
Does the rain remind you of me? It reminds me of you. Of us.
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Friday, 22 November, 2013
Dear Friend,
It's that time of the year again and KOST is playing Christmas songs. Those songs should be merry and lift one's spirit, but somehow they make me feel… melancholic... depressed.
Sometimes you could talk a lot but you're an action kind of guys and don't do wishes. But what if wishes came true, what would you wish for this Christmas? What do I want to wish for? I wish for... Wishes are like dreams and none of my dreams has ever come true. Why bother to wish for something that will never come?
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Wednesday, 27 November, 2013
Dear Friend,
How long has it been? It's been too, too long in my opinion.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Is there anything that you're thankful for, my friend? For me, I'm thankful for meeting you then becoming your friend. I'm still your friend, am I? I hope I still am.
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Tuesday, 17 December, 2013
Dear Friend,
This afternoon I took a long walk and passed by the community college. The usually packed parking lot is now empty, another term has ended. Has it ended at our university as well?
I walked to the park near my place, it felt good. The sky was blue and clear although there were clusters of white clouds hanging low. I felt almost like I was back there with you. Yes, being with you always felt like home.
Oh, during my walk, a commercial airplane flew past and I sent my… thoughts with it to you. Did it bring them to you, my friend?
I miss home. I miss you.
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Saturday, 21 December, 2013
Hello old friend,
Again it's winter. Do you remember what happened in the winters past? It was winter when we first met. It was winter when we had a meal together, just the two of us then a walk at the park alone; it was winter we had our first date. It was winter when we said goodbye. And it was winter when I realized how much you mean to my life. What you mean to me.
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Monday, 23 December, 2013
Big guy,
It's almost Christmas. What are you doing now? Are you at home or at work? Or you're out shopping for a present for someone special? Is she important to you?
Do you still remember our first and only date? Do ever you recall that twilight? Do you ever hear your heart beat saying a person's name? Do you ever miss me? Even just a tiny bit?
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Tuesday, 24 December, 2013
It's me again. It's Christmas Eve and I.
My friend, did you know that I hate Christmas? Christmas should be joyous but for me, it only brings restlessness and pain.
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Tuesday, 31 December, 2013
Dear Friend,
Only 30 more minutes to go until New Year. What is your resolution for this coming new year? My resolution is to move on for it hurts too much. It hurts to think of you and not seeing you. I really want to see you, if only for a second. Or even a millisecond. I only need to catch a glimpse of you so I know you're safe and happy. Although I know seeing you happy without me will hurt, I still want to see you. It doesn't matter if you have other friends or already found a girl you want to spend the rest of your life with.
You know, I did call you a few months after that fateful and hateful day. The call didn't go through. Not sure I remembered your number wrong or you changed your number as I did. I guess I could have called Sis and ask her to forward my call. Or I could come back—no, not come back—I could go to your house and see you in person. I didn't. How could I?
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Wednesday, 1 January, 2014
My dear big guy,
This is the last time I talk to you. I wish you all the best.
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Friday, 31 January, 2014
Hello,
Where are you right now? Boston? Washington D.C.? Seattle? Or Texas? Or still in California?
Sis just called. It was a brief call but Sis let it slip that she ran into you and your mom [I can't even go back to addressing as Auntie after everything that had happened] at the Lunar New Year Festival at a local temple. I thought my heart stopped at the mention of your name. One half of me begged me to ask Sis how you're doing and if, if you were also going to the festival with someone else other than your mom.
On the contrary, the other half told me no saying you're a guy and guys should make the first move. It's not like our families lost contact. Even if our families don't see one another anymore, you still can get in touch with Sis through our mutual family friend if you truly want to then Sis will surely pass the word to me. It said you haven't made any attempt, not even once in these years, to find me. You also know [you still remember, don't you?] where my family home is although I've changed my phone number so many times that I lost count myself.
That second half of me briefed a sound case, you know. And so, I pressed the other half down and pretended as if I didn't care whether you still exist or not. Thankfully and ungratefully [I don't know what I truly felt then], Sis volunteered and told me you're doing fine. And that you're as tall and handsome as ever. Now that I think back on my talk with Sis, her voice sounded expectant and hopeful when she shared that last bit of information.
Do you want to know my honest thought and true feeling at that moment? Even if I were pressed under duress, I wouldn't tell you or anyone else what I'm going to say to you next. Then why am I saying it? Because these words, these pages and this notebook will remain locked away like all the others. My honest and truest thought was 'He's mine'. Foolish of me, you've never been mine to either claim or disown. Let's say hypothetically that you were, but I already gave up that ownership when I gave you that packet and turned my back on you, without so much as a goodbye. I relinquished all my rights of you on that sunny but cold winter afternoon.
Sis also said you still have that youthful look. I'm not sure how I would look to you if you saw me now or one day in the future if we run into each other. Like the knowledge [mine is like a grain of sand in the desert] and wisdom [I'm still not wise enough to answer my own questions] I've acquired over these years, I've aged and hopefully my matured looks won't let you down too much. And yes, I've not grown and am still in that limited special edition height. Walking by you will still make me feel small [but strong], embarrassed [yet proud] and funny [but secured just the same]. Honestly, I don't think there are that many Asian girls or women that match your five feet and eleven inches. Have your bones gotten itchy and grown even more since then?
It's said this world is round, like the planet itself, so there is a high probability that our paths will cross again one day. Sooner or later. Our minds seemed to think alike and our line of thoughts used to be in tune with each other although we were never as physically close as close friends usually are, hugging and kissing in greeting. Never but once. Both you and I are all contradiction and full of confusion. Don't you think so too? Then again, our friendship is like no other nor like that of others. To be honest, I have not a clue as what to label our relationship. Not now, or before and I highly doubt I'll have in the future. I'm wondering what we'll say and react to each other if we ever meet again. And how we'll act if our families are around.
But that's already in the past, isn't it? Are you seeing someone? Or... or in a serious relationship with someone? Never mind, forget that I just asked. It's none of my business, it's over between us now. It's been for years.
Can you tell me when and how the term 'the past is past and future will take care of itself' had come into existence? And who had coined that term. I really want to ask that person if he or she'd also come up some countermeasure, because sometimes his or her wisdom sounds false to my ears. I'm here in the present but the insensitive, senseless and hateful past doesn't leave me alone.
And there is this quote 'The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present' [which I find more to my liking, at least it's logical and reasonable], I still find it hard to take in and apply to real life once in a long while. Like now.
And what am I even doing now? Guess it's been too long since my last entry. Don't worry, big guy, I'm just letting off some steam so your front, back and both of your lower limbs are safe. I'll be fine and be myself again in no time. I'm not five anymore and held on to Sis for comfort. Nor I'm still that teenager who ranted at her young husband when she got frustrated or was annoyed by some careless, irresponsible driver. Nor I'm that young woman who disregarded her own health and unknowingly harmed another life, fragile and defenseless. I'm an adult now and I'll pick myself up and dust my behind when I stumble. I'll take a real good care of my body, heart and mind.
But if my mind whirls in turbulence when fall arrives and maple leaves turn colors, I'll just take a long walk and look up at the sky then ask Grandma for wisdom. And if my heart aches for no apparent reason when winter comes, I'll just listen to those songs [The ones you sometimes listen to when you're driving alone. How did I find you out? It's a secret.] that you used to say they're more fitting for Grandma and your mom than for me. And if, if I feel cold in spring or summer, I'll wrap that scarf around me and that remembered warmth will keep coldness away.
By the way, do you still keep that scarf I gave you? It took me hours going from one shopping mall to another just to look for a scarf with longest length available. The saleslady at one mall gave me a funny look when I asked if they carried any long scarf, the longer the better. And have you realized anything special on that scarf? I didn't acknowledge that fact even to myself until very recently. Why? The evening you promised to call and you didn't, I made myself think those initials didn't hold any other significance, hidden and deep or otherwise. I'd believed that thought for a very long time. I kept denying the truth until after meeting a new friend. He's like a second big brother to me. And he's one of the reasons I began to reconsider my life path and consider to face my past.
No, I'm not considering to deal with the past in order to move forward with him. Our friendship is purely platonic. Some might doubt thinking 'Yeah, a platonic friendship like the one she had with that boy?' You know me, big guy, I don't say what I don't mean and when I say something I mean it wholeheartedly. You excluded. Why only you? Honestly, I don't know the answer.
Now, it's your turn to talk. What would you do if you were me?
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