I'd never seen her so flustered, so confused, so cross with herself. She marched up to me, her face flashing first with what looked like pleasure before it got drowned by the frustration, the self-regulation.

"No- You can't-" she kept interrupting herself. "I don't want you to be happy to see me."

She barrelled past me into the shop, ignoring my worried and questioning 'ok'.

It spilled out of her, confused and confusing, the recognition of a feeling I had suspected from the start and that had completely sideswiped her.

"You make me feel something that I cannot possibly feel-" I'd never felt so strong a mix of elation and alarm; she'd admitted that I made her feel something but was almost frantic in her distress.

"Whatever this is or was it's got to stop and it's got to stop now, do you understand?" I felt like a chastised child. "It's over." And then I felt my heart break in a way that was by no means childish. She stormed past me, the door swinging wide and leaving me grasping at the wall as I tried to process the fact that I may never see the woman I loved ever again.

The door rattled open again and before I knew it I found myself in heaven.

Her grip was strong on the collar of my jacket, crushing me to her with a desperation that I knew only too well. I pressed back against her, drinking in this moment, this near fantastical new development, with all my might, half afraid that I would wake from the wonderful hallucination at any second. But the feel of her shoving my jacket ferociously down from my shoulders was no hallucination; the taste of her lips, the silken smoothness of her skin, the scent of her hair, all were part of my new reality.

We tumbled down in a scuffle of grasping hands and gasping mouths, the searing flames of repressed passion engulfing us entirely. Until-

"Ow!" That was not the good slight pain of too passionate hands and mouths. "Oh, ow! Thorns! Thorns in my bum!" Her cascading laughter was so relaxed, so free of the near hysterical distress from before. The happiness I felt as she unceremoniously pulled me across her lap to free me from my botanical attacker was absurd. The giggles and sighs and peace and joyous serenity of that moment as I reached up to caress her cheek, her forehead leant gently and intimately down onto mine, surpassed the goodness of any moment in my life up until that one.

But it was very firmly and explosively shattered by a gentle and unassuming voice from the other side of the door.

"Hello? Luce?"

Hec.

"Rachel! Rachel, talk to me!"

She'd just disappeared, vanished out the back of my shop.

"What do you want me to say?" Her voice was choked with unshed tears, that pained and frantic guilt threatening to overwhelm her again. "I heard him! Jesus, I heard him and he's blaming himself."

This was it; I had to do something, I couldn't watch her destroy herself with guilt any longer.

"You could put an end to this."

She span around to me, furiously demanding some simple and perfect solution, her face falling in poignant distress as the reality of my not so simple and certainly not perfect solution registered: time and distance, those cruel 'healers'.

"Is that what you want?"

All the loud, demanding fury fled her, leaving her with quiet, heart-wrenching uncertainty. And much as my instinct was to be the brave one, to make her decision easier for her, I knew I couldn't do that to myself; I couldn't lie to save her, I couldn't face a lifetime of 'what if's and regrets.

"I want you."

"Luce-" It was almost more a whimper than a word, her voice starting to crumble as water began to gather in her eyes. "Luce; I can't-"

I knew that would be her answer. I knew it with 99% of my being, it had just been that irritating and persistent spark of hope that had made me force her to say it. I knew she would say it though; the fact that she would was part of the reason I loved her. She would rather hurt herself than break her vow, than inflict that pain on her dearest friend, that gentle man who'd done no wrong.

"I know."

She was trying to put reasons in words, but I knew the reasons and knew that neither of us needed or wanted them verbalised. I saw her folding in on herself, being crushed under the weight of her conflict, under the weight of not wanting to hurt anyone and knowing that she would.

"We'll be ok." I had to reassure her, to reassure myself. I knew, I'd seen it before, the world would end for a while, but we'd each find it and start it again somehow. Time, that magic-

Her face twisted and she had to look away as some of that gathered water in her eyes began to escape.

I pulled her to me, unable to look at her pain but needing to give that quick comfort, to receive it. I pressed my lips against her jaw, inhaling that scent one last time as her hands wove into my hair. "Don't forget me."

"I won't remember anything else." Her whisper cut through me as she squeezed tighter for a moment, letting me know that my agony was hers, that this solution solved very little. I pulled away, unable to bear the gaping proximity any longer. Her fingers tangled with mine, grasping on as long as possible until we were too far apart, the distance now too great, and her grip was gone. I didn't look back; I didn't dare.

"Imagine me and you, I do; I think about you day and night..."

The cyclist flitted past, irritating me with his ability to pass the traffic the wrong way down a one-way street and with his frustratingly relevant song. My phone rang and it was her. I had to be firm, I couldn't allow any leeway. I knew I didn't have it in me to be 'just friends' right now. I hung up, sighing with pained relief.

I sat there trying to block out the sound of my taxi driver's 'conversation', trying to block out the sound of her voice in my head, the memory of her pushing me down among the flowers and spreading out underneath me as we rolled around. The smooth softness of her lips and the faint scent of coconuts; the wicked way she bit my lip and then sucked it; the near inaudible moan as one of my hands reached down to pull her over by her ass-

"You're a wanker number nine!" I was fairly certain I wasn't hearing voices in my head, wasn't recreating the memory of my own voice somehow translated and slightly muted into hers. "I can do this! I can do this!"

She was here. She was calling me out. She was saying she could do this. She was shouting it at the top of her lungs.

I scrambled out of the taxi, ignoring the protests of the creature driving it, and hauled myself onto the truck platform next to me; I needed higher ground to see properly, to see-

"I can do this!"

There she was. I saw her standing there, atop her parents' posh monstrosity of a vehicle. As our eyes met, I felt that thrill yet again, the same as in the church that first time only stronger; I knew she was the one, the one to fill the empty spaces inside me. As that glorious smile broke out across her face, I couldn't help but let one form upon mine, couldn't help but follow her magnetic motion, running down the street toward her.

Her hands were on my hips as I cradled her face, each of us relieved to be able to feel each other's warmth again. There was that smile again and I had to taste it, to feel it. But then I needed to know-

"What happened? What changed?"

"I told him and he let me go." She said it so simply, like it hadn't been one of the bravest and most courageous things I'd ever known someone to do, on both of their parts. "He deserved to know, I owed it to him, but then he said he couldn't stand in the way of my happiness." That smile returned as she tugged me closer against her. "And that happiness is with you."

The relief, the washing away of fear, the feeling of being complete, it was finally here. Here in the middle of the road, with people gawking from every angle, here with Rachel held close against me, this was it: the thing I'd lost hope of finding, though I'd felt the gaping wound of its absence every day.

"I love you." Her words, whispered softly against my lips, set me on fire even as shivers of delight rushed through me.

"And I love you." She'd pulled back to meet my eyes, and now that sparkling smile shone radiantly forth again, begging to be kissed. I was only too willing to acquiesce.

"So I know this must be the strangest paced courtship I've ever come across, but I'd really quite like to introduce you to my parents again as my girlfriend rather than as the florist." Her grin was wide as she searched out my response, and I couldn't help but chuckle; who even uses the word 'courtship'?

"Sounds good to me," I smiled as I looked again to where her parents were stood watching us and noticed my own mum sat grinning like a Cheshire cat in the car. "And I see you've met my mum already?" She blushed, wincing a little.

"Yes, well, I may have to do some smoothing over there; I kind of demanded to see you when I turned up at the shop. I don't think I gave a very good first impression."

"I can just picture the scene," I laughed. "The imperious voice clashing against my mother's protective instincts." Her little pout was adorable. "Honestly though, I can't imagine my mother not loving you once she's gotten to know you." Then again, I couldn't imagine anyone not loving her.

"This really is amazing, you know?"

"What is?" I was curious, uncertain as to what had brought out this wondrous and wide eyed smile, the almost awestruck daze.

"This whole thing," she gesticulated around us, reaching across the table to take one of my hands in hers. "Being here with you, being able to hold your hand, say you're mine and I'm yours; knowing that I'm going to get at least a goodnight kiss from you tonight." She grinned, blushing as I raised an eyebrow. "It's just kind of incredible that I didn't even realise what I was missing and then you just fell out of the sky into my world, making everything brighter and better." It was my turn to blush; I wasn't used to such open, frank praise. I dropped my eyes to where her hands were wrapped around mine, her thumbs drawing small circles around my knuckles. "You're so beautiful, I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes." I smiled; what do you say to that?

"Well what do you want to do?" She arched an eyebrow at me.

"I want to kiss you." My turn to arch an eyebrow. Her smile widened as she tugged me gently towards her, leaning across the table to meet in the middle. Her soft lips gently pushed and pulled against mine, one of her hands coming up to trace gently along my jaw.

"I know we have a bit of a thing for making public spectacles of ourselves, but I don't think we should explore too far beyond the 'at least a goodnight kiss' thing when we're still at the restaurant." I met her eyes as I tried to slow my heart rate and calm my breathing, watching her do the same as she grinned under my gentle chastisement.

"Well," her grin widened, not helping my attempts to calm down, "maybe I should call for the cheque then?" And so saying, she caught the eye of a waitress, politely and calmly requesting the bill.

We made our way slowly down the street, our hands tangling together in their slow and purposeful dance as the conversation flowed easily. Her small new rented flat was only a block away from mine; we hadn't wanted to fulfil every lesbian stereotype so didn't just move in together straight away but, as she'd put it, there was no need to put in extra distance. We ground to a halt as we approached her building, the skirt of her dress floating up a little as she span around to me. She leaned in, pressing her lips to mine, their beautifully soft firmness capturing me yet again as her hands slipped around my waist.

"Come up with me," she whispered the words in my ear before she pulled back, her eyes serious as they met mine. It had been just over two months since her birthday, since Hec had so graciously and lovingly released her to follow her own happiness at the cost of his own. She'd wanted me to take her to bed that first night, eagerly roaming hands making her request when we were finally alone in my flat, but I knew it wouldn't have been a good idea, much as my responsive body told me otherwise. I knew she was not the kind of person who could feel good about breaking the heart of someone she'd loved for years and sleeping with someone else the same day; I didn't want our first time together to be tarnished by that pain and once I'd regretfully made her hear me out she had reluctantly agreed. We both wanted better things for us.

But now, nine weeks later, as she asked me to come upstairs, asked me to take what she wanted to give, asked me to give what she wanted to take, my reservations dissolved and only the desire to show her quite how in love with her I was remained. I pressed back into her, closing my eyes in reverence as I felt her tongue on my lips again, pulling back after a long moment to gently rest my forehead against hers as I whispered, "Ok."

The smile that greeted me when I opened my eyes was one of the most dazzlingly beautiful things I'd ever seen. She pressed another quick kiss against my lips before fumbling through her clutch bag to find the key. She grabbed my hand and pulled me through the doorway with her, leading the way up the first flight of stairs to her flat, the sound of our footsteps echoing slightly up the stairwell. Her hand was warm in mine as she led me through the flat to her bedroom, but her silence had me slightly concerned. I squeezed her hand, in an attempt to reassure, but she flashed me that brilliant smile again as she turned back towards me, walking backwards now as we entered her room.

"Are you nervous?" I asked gently as she closed the door behind me. She looked surprised, cocking her head slightly as she took my free hand so she now had both of mine cradled in hers, drawing me closer and pressing a small kiss to my knuckles.

"I hadn't really thought about it like that before, but I suppose I am a little." She frowned. "Well, not nervous exactly, more excited with a hint of concern that it'll be painfully obvious that I don't really know what I'm doing." She let out a little chuckle of amusement as she met my eye. "I suppose it's first time jitters, really." She smiled again, pulling my arms down and around her waist as she stepped closer, her long fingered hands coming up to caress along my jaw line before they tangled into my hair. "But then I remember who I'm having my first time with and I realise that there's nothing to be jittery about because I know you'll take care of me and love me and I'll love you and it'll be perfect in every way imaginable." She leaned in to briefly press her lips to mine, pulling back just to nuzzle against me affectionately.

"Well that is certainly true," I agreed, nuzzling back and capturing her lips once again. "But just know that we don't have to rush this, we can go at your pace."

"Good," she grinned, kissing me again, "so you won't mind if I get us moving along at a slightly faster pace than this, will you?" She smirked at me, meeting my eye as she began to release the buttons of my fitted grey waistcoat. I caught my breath as her sure fingers brushed against my chest, moving down my stomach until all the buttons were undone and she could push the waistcoat from my shoulders. "I'll take that as a no," she grinned at my somewhat breathless silence and I met her eye again, a smirk finding its way onto my face before I moved forward to taste her lips again.

Her tongue quickly darted out, begging for entrance which I readily granted, my hands gripping tighter around her waist and pulling her close as she tangled her fingers through my hair again. The slight swell of her hips under my palms, the dip at the small of her back, the slimness of her waist and the soft warmth of her body were so intoxicating; knowing that these were all elements of the great beauty that I would uncover that night sent my mind reeling and ripped a moan of appreciation from deep within me as she tugged hard on my lower lip.

I felt her hands move down again, this time to do battle with the buttons of the snug black shirt I was wearing and my skin burned where she brushed her fingers against it as she did battle with the buttons. Reaching the lowest ones, she had to tug the shirt from where it had tucked into my trousers; she pulled back from the kiss for a moment, snapping free the large silver belt buckle with almost a sense of outraged anger that it had dared to impede her. I had to smile; that tiny outrage was so adorable. Not to mention the grin of triumph as she succeeded, my shirt now loose enough to be pulled away. The grin faded slightly as her eyes roamed across the newly revealed skin and I tried not to feel too self-conscious as she slowly pushed the shirt down my arms, her eyes still fixedly drinking in my torso.

"I always knew you'd be beautiful, but I feel like I'm undressing some kind of divine being, some mystic goddess of loveliness." I couldn't help but laugh a little; her imagination really could run off with her. "I'm serious," her wide eyes rose up to meet my laughter, a slightly bashful grin forming on her face.

"I know you are, babe," I replied, feeling warmth rising in me to beam through my smile, "that's what's so entertaining." I leaned in to capture her slightly bewildered smiling lips as my hands, now free from the shirt, snuck back around her to undo the hook and eye of her dress. I felt her breathing grow more laboured as I held her close, slowly drawing the zip down from her neck to the small of her back. My own heart was hammering; the combination of her hands reverently exploring the bare skin of my lower back and sides and the knowledge that I was about to get her out of that dress was more than enough to set my pulse off the charts of its norm. "Are you sure about this?" I needed her to be sure.

She looked at me like I'd just asked the most ridiculous question she'd ever heard, reaching behind her to pull the zip the last of the way down and taking my hands in hers so there was nothing left to hold the dress up. It fluttered to the floor in shimmering waves of dark green and I swallowed hard as she pushed against me, walking me backward till my calves hit the bed and I sat, mouth dry and eyes wide with the vision of her before me. Her smooth golden skin called to me, contrasting beautifully with the black lace of her matching bra and panties. Her long legs seemed to go on forever and her toned muscles popped with the predatory pose the heels she still wore lent her.

"I," she began, bringing one hand up to gently trace her fingers along my jaw, "have never been more sure of anything in my entire life." She flicked off her shoes, her face softening as she crouched down before me, her hands resting on my thighs to balance. "Luce, baby, I'm in love with you; you make me want you more than I even knew it was possible to want someone. Trust me?" I smiled, blushing; how could I not?

"Ok." Her delighted grin shot fire straight into my stomach as she pushed up to meet my mouth in a tender kiss. "I love you too," I whispered as she pulled back to rest her forehead against mine.

"Well then," she replied, her grin reappearing as she rose to her feet, pulling me up with her, "you won't hold this advantage you have over me any longer." She laughed at my slightly confused look, before tugging at the button of my trousers. "You had to do one zip, whereas I've already gone through an eternity of buttons and you're still wearing more clothes than me." She popped the button free as she finished, tugging at the zip and pushing at the denim. I smiled and helped, wriggling free until I was stood almost as bare as she was in my black bra and bright-white girl boxers. "Nice choice," she smiled, snapping at the waistband. "I never really got the girl boxers thing before, but I totally understand now."

I grinned, pulling her back to me and revelling in the feeling of our bare skin pressed together as she kissed me. How we had managed to get to this place together, I did not know. How had we gone from that one look across the hall on the very day of her wedding, to being wrapped up in each other, in the give and take of our bodies together? It was a miracle that I would be forever grateful for.