Available in Spanish on Diamont Star's account

I can't lift the weight.

She had soft, round handwriting. Her 'o's were always the perfect circle and her 't's were always crossed a little farther towards the top. Honey Lemon always had perfect handwriting with everything she wrote.

This was no exception.

[

Tadashi Hamada,

They say the loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their world fall apart, and all they do is stare blankly.

They say it pulls at their heart with an unimaginable physical pain.

I disagree.

The pain is not reserved for the heart. I don't know where it hurts anymore. All I know is that it does. And It's everywhere, Tadashi. It's like - it's like having a splinter in each fingertip. Everything I touch is torture. And I can't stop it. I don't know how to - I don't know what to do anymore.

It's been a month, Tadashi. A month. 31 days. 44640 minutes and 2678400 seconds. But it still feels like was just last night.

"Time heals all wounds." Why do people say that? I understand what they are trying to say: it'll get better later. But what about now, Dashi. What am I supposed to do now? Because right now I can't sleep and right now that I can't eat and right now I still hear your voice and feel your hands in mine even though I know you're not here. Don't they understand, I don't want to feel better later. I don't even know if I want to feel better now.

There is a reason I'm like this. There is a reason you left a mark on my heart and I don't want time to heal it. I want time to take my scars and make them ugly and knotted with the grief of losing you. I want time to give me a permanent burn because I just can't smooth you away. I won't smooth you away, Tadashi.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I miss you. I miss you so much it's like gravity is pushing on my splintered heart and I can't lift the weight anymore.

I'm homesick, Tadashi. I'm homesick except this place - this place doesn't exist without you but I won't stop looking. I can't stop looking. Because stopping is like goodbye and goodbye is forever and I can't say goodbye to you, Tadashi.

But I don't know how to be supportive and strong for Hiro and broken over you.

I don't know how long I can do it - but I can't give up on you. I'm not giving up on you, Tadashi Hamada.

I love you.

With all the my heart,

Honey Lemon

]

For her signature, she always liked the exchange her perfectly round 'o's for little, symmetrical hearts. She it didn't seem right anymore. She was never able to finish the second half of the heart. As if her own hand was protesting the lose - and it only made it worse.

It was perfect, as always. You could hardly see the wet spots on the lower right hand corner of the page, still she crumpled it up and threw it into the waste basket of her lab. She had nowhere to deliver it to. Just like the rest of her thoughts, she drew them away. She had to be strong.

She bottled them up and locked them up like tears in a jar. It was just a matter of time before they spilled over - or she drowned.

On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your pain?

I'm sorry this is short but the feels.

[I've been thinking about starting a full-blown Tadahoney fic but that all depends on how this is received]

This seemed a little too depressing for a character as happily and bubbly as Honey Lemon, but I guess that's the thing about grief.

Regardless, I hope you enjoyed it.

read & review

the speed force

p.s. Two parts of this were based off of (but not directly the same) two separate quotes one from The Scar by China Mieville and the second is Too Many Sisters by Nina Guilbeau. I really liked how both of these author's description of grief - and having dealt with a close passing myself once of twice in my lifetime, I can say that both were very accurate. Kudos to anyone who noticed them.