This began as a joke between me and staringatthesky, one of my favorite FF authors. So basically Carlisle is writing a textbook on vampirism and lets Emmett read the manuscript. Emmett flips through the pages for a while and tosses it back on Carlisle's desk and says something along the lines of: "Dude, no one is going to read this."

So he took it upon himself to rewrite each of Carlisle's chapters, as an antidote for Carlisle's long, boring, dry British discourse. All in fun, enjoy! :)

Disclaimer: The Twilight Saga and its universe are the property of Stephenie Meyer. No profit is made here and no offense intended.

Excerpt from An Examination of Vampirism by Carlisle Cullen, MD (1640- )

Chapter Eight: How to Create a Vampire

It is essential to bear in mind the sacred responsibility that you are undertaking as you prepare yourself to attempt the transformation of human (hereafter referred to as "your patient") to vampire. It is no small thing to play God; it is, in the estimation of some, an immoral act by its very nature. (see Ch. 19, Theological and Sociological Considerations) And if you do in fact feel prepared or obligated to intercept the body's natural or incidental expiration, you then face the awesome responsibility of the consequences. Are you prepared to care for your creation throughout the duration of his or her volatile newborn year? Can you dedicate yourself to stand by your creation, regardless of how difficult their behavior may become? Are you prepared to face the possibility that he or she may hold you eternally responsible for a rescue he or she would have refused? Are you willing to risk the very life of the person you are attempting to preserve for eternity, by placing them at the risk of death by your own hand? Are you, in fact, reasonably confident in your ability to resist the hunting frenzy during an act which will invariably result in tasting human blood?

Another consideration: Even if you do not share the author's particular reverence for human life, and the exclusive consumption of animal blood is not a commitment you personally are willing to make, please consider the cost of human life that you are, by your act of creation, incurring. I urge the reader with all earnestness to consider offering animal blood during the inaugural feeding, regardless of your own choice in diet. (see Ch. 7, The Myriad Benefits of Practicing A Humane Lifestyle and Ch. 9, Caring For Your Newborn)

It is, of course, preferable if you have the consent of your patient, and if you are able to explain the procedure prior to acting. In many cases this is not possible. It is imperative, however, that you take every precaution to remove your patient far from the vicinity of other humans before you attempt transformation. This is to protect your identity in accordance with the Law, and to ensure privacy during the transformation (which can be extremely loud and, at times, violent). It is also recommended that you take all possible precautions to ensure that your patient will not be missed, as you will not have time or freedom after his or her awakening to do so.

If possible, you should hunt before attempting the transformation, and during it, avoid breathing as much as possible. Once you have secured your patient in isolation, it is advised to make the first bite upon the jugular vein. This allows for the immediate distribution of venom into the greater vessels and the heart; this is especially important if your patient is already near death and/or has compromised circulation. The incision of the carotid artery, which lies directly adjacent to the jugular vein, is NOT advised, as the arterial blood is far more tempting in terms of both flavor and scent, and because more blood will be lost through said incision prior to its healing. The one exception to this rule is the patient who is near death and whose primary injury is within the brain itself; in this case the immediate resuscitation of brain and brainstem tissue via the healing properties of venom may mean the difference between success and failure.

As soon as the bite is made and envenomation has occured, you must immediately withdraw to avoid ingestion. Even if "just a sip" would not harm your patient in terms of blood volume, it is not advisable to indulge, as the frenzy is far more difficult to resist once feeding has begun. (see Ch. 29, The Feeding Frenzy and its Role in Vampire Physiology) It is not necessary to make other bites as long as your patient is in good health, as anecdotal research suggests that even one cell of venom immediately begins to self-propagate upon contact with human tissue. If this is not the case, you must continue to apply venom throughout the venous system at the most advantageous points: the femoral vein, the popliteal vein, the ulnar and/or radial veins, etc. If there are particular wounds that are likely to be mortal, it is advised to apply venom at those sites as well. If at any time you feel you are beginning to lose control, you must absent yourself immediately from the premises, returning only when you feel in control of your instincts.

In a typical case, the venom will begin to cause intractable pain and screaming within two to ten minutes. In the case of a healthy human adult, this may be shortened to a matter of seconds; again, this precludes the folly of biting your patient while still in earshot of other humans. Once your more difficult duty is discharged, you must then dedicate yourself to comforting and preparing your patient while he or she is in transition, which typically last for an average of three days. It has been demonstrated in numerous subjects that the transitioning patient, while grossly compromised in terms of speech and other forms of motor control, maintains a normal sense of hearing and, in some cases, sight. Your patient will not always hear or understand you, but it is advised to continue offering comfort throughout the transition; besides the unquantifiable analgesic effect of reassurance, this will establish an early bond between you and your creation. Various stimuli can be tried, such as speech, various types of instrumental music, a comforting embrace, holding the hand, and singing. Each patient responds differently to these stimuli and their unique response must be considered.

The pentultimate stage of the transformation is marked by the cessation of screaming and the gradual progression to body-wide paralysis (beginning at the extremities and moving proximally). Since this stage last several hours, you can now address any practical concerns such as cleaning up the destruction of property wreaked by your patient in the throes of transformation, laying out several changes of clothes in anticipation of the savagery of early feeding, cleaning up your patient, removing breakable valuables from your house (if you have a house or valuables), and considering the proximity of intended prey.

You will recognize the final acceleration in heart rate when awakening is imminent. Final comfort and instructions are appropriate at this time; the most important instruction to give your patient is to remind them not to run away from you, that you are there to help and will do everything at your disposal to ease their transition into a new life. When the heart rate exceeds three hundred beats per minute, you should move away from your patient, as the trauma of awakening, combined with their natural fear and confusion regarding his or her altered physiological state and your presence, can cause violent behavior in the first several minutes of life.

Postscript: In one experimental case, venom was applied directly to the heart via syringe, resulting in successful transformation despite the complication of cardiac arrest. Further investigation into this innovative method is recommended.

Excerpt from Vampirism for Dummies by Emmett McCarty Cullen (1915- )

Chapter Eight: How to Create a Vampire

Step 1: Are you ready for this? Get the human alone and get your bite on. Just DON'T DRINK if you can help it. If they die, better luck next time (and free snack!). If you pull away in time, kudos.

Step 2: Don't say anything while they're screaming that you don't want them to hear, because you might regret it for the rest of eternity. (*cough* Edward)

Step 3: Once their heart goes crazy, back off and give them some space. Unless you like getting your face shredded.

Step 4: Congrats, you've got a baby vampire!