Chapter One

Edward

Bella made my life complete, I loved her as I had never loved anyone before and I knew I would never love anyone as much again but I left her behind in Forks, my own stupidity driving me to do so. All she ever wanted was to be with me, to become a vampire so she could spend eternity by my side and I had stubbornly refused to grant her wish. I had sucked James venom from her body in Phoenix to keep her human and then watched as she struggled with a battered and broken human body. Everyone said I was crazy, even Carlisle although though he knew how I felt, that becoming a vampire was a curse. The only person who never judged me was Esme, she never judged any of us, just allowed us to make our own mistakes and learn from them but it seemed I never learned. When Bella was better, her bones mended and cuts healed she asked me again to change her and I refused although I couldn't give her a good reason why, why she should not become like me and spend eternity as my wife, my mate. I gave her all the excuses I could think of but not the real one, not the one that tortured me day and night.

Thirty years ago I had fallen in love or at least thought I had, the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, Alexis Howard. Her mother was dead and her father was a cruel and mean individual but we found time to be together and she had found out my secret when her father caught us in the orchard and shot me. He went inside to call the police and report a man assaulting his daughter so I was forced to flee, a man with a chest full of buckshot did not get up and run, nor did he appear at his girlfriends window late that same night unharmed. I had to tell her and at first she had been afraid but our love conquered that and I agreed to change her, to save her from the hurried marriage her father had arranged to a man old enough to be her father himself. She ran away with me into the mountains of Montana and I turned her up there alone after much struggling with my thirst and watched as she writhed and screamed for three long days before waking as a vampire.

I taught her to hunt animals and she seemed happy at my side but then we ran into a trio of nomads, three males who joined us for a few weeks. I thought it would be good for Alexis to interact with other vampires and despite her blood lust and fiery temper she did very well. They were human hunters and she wanted to join them on a hunt. Despite my exhortations that she stay away from the humans she slipped off to join them and I thought she was gone but she returned, her eyes bright red and sparkling with excitement. She felt the power human blood gives a vampire and the thrill of the hunt but she stayed, at least for a while. Eventually the nomads came back, ready to return south and Alexis opted to go with them. She had become attached to Joel the leader of the nomads and there was nothing I could do to change her mind so I watched as she left with them only to hear they had been hunted down by a guardian pack after attacking a village on tribal land in Kansas, all four were destroyed, beheaded and burned. That was why I was determined not to change Bella, I would not lose another girl that way. While human Bella loved me as Alexis had and there was always the danger she would stop loving me once she became a vampire.

How could I tell Alexis story to Bella? Only Carlisle and Esme knew the story, it happened before he changed Rosalie and we kept it a secret from anyone else. When I went to Carlisle with my problem, Bella's yearning to become a vampire he tried to ease my fears by telling me Alexis was a one off but he couldn't guarantee that, he couldn't be certain Bella wouldn't change her feelings when she woke a vampire and I would not risk it, so I couldn't turn her and I couldn't tell her why. I knew she was frustrated by my stubbornness so did the rest of my family but I kept silent and they went away shaking their heads at my "stupidity". I knew Bella had approached the subject with Carlisle and he had told her I thought becoming a vampire destroyed a man's soul and that's why I would not change her but whether she believed him or not I had no way of knowing.

"Why don't you ask Alice to look into your future Edward? She can tell you if there is anything to worry about."

Esmes idea was a sound one but I hated the thought of Alice knowing of my fears, of any fear I may have. Still it was the only way to be sure I would keep my beautiful Bella so I asked Alice to go hunting with me, alone. She knew I had something on my mind so made her excuses to Jasper and went with me.

It wasn't until after we had hunted that I plucked up courage to explain what I wanted her to do.

"You want me to look into your future and see if changing Bella will make any difference to the way she thinks about you?"

"Yes Alice, its simple enough surely?"

I knew I was short with Alice but it was a mixture of frustration and embarrassment.

"Edward I can't."

"Why?"

"It doesn't work like that, you know it doesn't. I can only see the future based on decisions that people make."

"OK well I make the decision to change Bella and she agrees. What's so difficult about that?"

"But you haven't, neither has she and even if you did I can't see her decisions as a vampire. Only those of her as a human. Everything will change when she becomes a vampire and even then I would hardly be able to tell you what she decides to do. I'm sorry Edward but if you're worried about something Bella might do as a vampire its a choice you'll have to make blind."

"You can't see Bella as a vampire?"

"I can hardly see Bella as a human, the same as you can't read her mind so no I can't, I may not be able to see her at all as a vampire, who knows. Anyway what's the matter? You know how you feel, you know how she feels, I don't get it."

"I don't know anything Alice. I can't read her mind. I can't see her thoughts, I don't know how she sees me."

She looked at me startled, her golden eyes wide,

"You're afraid she'll lose interest in you if she becomes a vampire aren't you?"

"Alice quiet."

She looked around conspiratorially,

"Who are we worried about overhearing us Edward? Secret squirrel? A blackbird spy? You are being paranoid. Anyway its the same risk for all of us."

"Not you, Jazz was already a vampire when you met him."

"What about Rose and Emmett or Esme and Carlisle?"

"Carlisle changed Rose as a mate for me and look where that led."

"But you two had never met, that was like a blind date, its a different thing altogether. Rose chose Emmett when he was human and they stayed together, Esme and Carlisle did the same. Its all part of life's rich and varied tapestry Edward, the unknown, the thrill of finding out."