"Jesus, you look like shit."

…

"I trust everything has been divided up fairly?" I ask, sitting down on the edge of the bed among the stacks of neatly folded clothing. Keeping my gaze forwards, I espy the beautiful blond young man on the floor beside the bed; he pushes a full box in front of him, finishing with it.

"I told you it was," he replies plainly, pulling an empty box to him unfolding the flaps.

"You don't have to go," I mutter.

"Yeah Ciel, I do."

This is Finnian, my soon to be ex-boyfriend. We were with each other for three years but living together for the last two. He's already packed up and moved out the majority of his things, what surrounds me on the bed is the last of it.

Pinching the bridge of my nose I let out a heavy sigh. There's nothing I can do to make him stay. I've already tried. I begged, pleaded and attempted to apologise many times but my words only fell on deaf ears. I still can't believe it's actually come to this as I sit back and watch him sever his ties to me, neatly packing it all up and splitting it into boxes.

"Finny, please?" I whisper a soft plea, something to get his attention as I keep my eye cast down. Finnian moves the box to the side and runs a hand across his forehead smoothing out any stray hairs. Pushing himself up from the ground with a little stagger he comes over to me.

"You promised you wouldn't make this hard," he says moving just beside me.

"I'm not trying to make this hard," I maintain, observing him out of the corner of my eye.

Bending over, he collects a stack of sweaters.

"If you're not trying to make this hard, then what are you doing?" He sighs, putting the sweaters in a nearby box.

"What can I do to make you stay?"

"Nothing, there's nothing you can do," he stops for a moment, holding out a forest green chunky knit sweater. I gave it to him for Christmas last year, it's Armani, not that it matters to him. Finnian isn't into labels, he never cares about status or wealth, it isn't important to him, not like it is to me.

"I gave you that sweater, remember?" I mention, watching a small smile creep onto his lips as blue eyes regard it.

"I remember," he nods, "that was a good year."

"I don't really recollect much of it."

"Spring came early and we spent most of our free time outdoors," he says with a twinge of sadness in his voice. This must be something he would rather forget I suppose; I mean, why remember the good times when you're leaving because of all the bad?

I can't think of anything to say so I nod and mumble, "oh."

Clutching the sweater to his chest, Finnian thinks to himself for a moment.

"You can have it back if you want?" He offers, eyes never venturing over to me.

I shake my head, "I gave it to you, I want you to have it."

"Thanks," he replies, refolding the sweater and laying it down in the box.

"Who's going to watch The Rowdy Count with me?" I add. It's been our thing since the programme started, every Thursday night at eight; we'd cuddle together on the couch and watch it on BBC Four.

"You'll find someone, ask Lizzie or Alois, I'm sure they'll watch it with you," he answers.

"But they won't sleep with me at night. You know how I hate to sleep alone," I don't mean to sound pathetic but I never could sleep by myself.

"I've told you many times, you really need to see someone about your nightmares," he points out.

"Maybe I should do that," I concur, realising I'm not going to get anywhere with him.

We both go silent as he finishes collecting the last pieces of clothing from the bed, putting them into boxes and sealing it up. I guess this really is happening; he's seriously going. We've had rows in the past and our relationship has been tumultuous, even on the best of days, but I never thought there would come a time when he would leave me.

Resting my hands on my lap, I lace my fingers together staring at my palms. Sighing quietly, I let him get on with it, if he wishes to leave me, if I make him so miserable, I may as well let him go. My eye burns with each blink and my chest feels so constricted but I don't cry and I only breathe out to ease the pain. I can't cry in front of him, I refuse to. I don't want him to know how much this hurts or the sadness I feel. I haven't the right to be sad in front of him because this is all my fault, I know I must have put him through hell.

Taping up the last box Finnian steps back to look at the neatly lined up stacks.

"I'll take what I can now and get the rest later; I'll let you know when after I get settled."

"Fine," I half-heartedly agree, keeping my eye on my hands refusing to look at him.

"Despite what you might think, I'm not doing this to hurt you, I really do love you Ciel," he says, although I wish he didn't bother mentioning it. I know it was meant to soothe but it stings like salt in an open wound.

"If you love me why are you going?"

Coming over to me, Finnian leans over and rests his hands on my shoulders.

"Love isn't enough here. You place value in money and status, something I could never offer," he states very matter of fact. My eye looks up to him and he smiles. "You've changed but I haven't so you've tried to make me into someone else, someone more acceptable to you."

"That's not true," I protest but he shakes his head.

"You want a different version of me, something I can never live up to," he concludes.

"I want you."

He plants a gentle kiss on the top of my head, "no, you don't."

His hands slip off of my shoulders as he goes over to a stack of boxes, picking them up. He's always been so strong I note fondly, my head following him to the door.

"Do you need any help?" I suggest, not that I would be of any use.

"You can barely open a jar," he smiles at me over his shoulder.

"How will I survive without you?"

"You'll learn," he shrugs finally leaving the room.

…

Pushing myself into the corner of the couch, I draw my knees up to my chest wrapping my arms around them. Resting my chin on my knees, I flick through the various channels on the television in an attempt to try and find something to watch. It's almost eight on a Thursday night, nearly time for my favourite programme The Rowdy Count but I can't bring myself to watch it.

It's been two weeks since Finnian moved out.

The flat is cold and empty. I never realized how much warmth he brought to the place but I certainly miss it now he's gone. To be honest I'm surprised I'm even home, as I usually prefer to stay away as long as I can. I don't do anything special, just stay at the office but loneliness has made me extraordinarily efficient, which leaves me with less and less to do. There weren't a lot of things in this flat, and most were Finnians'. He had all sorts of items and knick-knacks that I tolerated scattered about, bird figurines mostly. I hated those hideous little things but now they're something I long to see. Finnian had a lot of things, shells he collected from the beaches we'd visit, framed pressed leaves and flowers from the parks we'd sit in, other random items which meant nothing to me but he treasured every last one. I used to make fun at his childlike enthusiasm over the littlest things and the way he viewed the world with bright open eyes. I suppose I was jealous of him, I could never see the world the way he did or understand how the smallest of things had meaning. He tried to share his world with me but it always annoyed me, preferring to the reality of the situation rather than its beauty. Sometimes I wished he would just leave me alone and now that he actually has, I wish I never made the first wish at all.

I miss him, more than I thought I would but I do. What do I do now?

Finnian was my first boyfriend and first actual attempt at living a normal life. We met at school, I saw him sitting by a tree during lunch; he looked so resplendent, golden blond hair shining in the sun, birds singing around him and such a peaceful look on his face. He was the light, whereas I lived in the dark. I didn't have a bad life, just a sad one. I was born into a life of privilege, however, my parents died when I was ten causing me to live with my aunt. Distancing myself from everyone I purposefully chose not to make friends. The only people who managed to tolerate me was my cousin Lizzie and best friend Alois, both invited themselves into my life, leaving me with little choice in the matter. Although, the moment I saw Finnian, I knew I wanted to be in his light. I wanted to know what his warmth would feel like and when I found out, it was like the sun.

He's right, I have changed but I was never really me to begin with. I kept that hidden from him, this darkness and sadness within me. I wanted to be a part of his light so badly; I was willing to change almost everything just to stand in it. However, I have now grown older; I see the way of the world and how it works. It moves with money, it speaks with money and with money comes power; I have an abundance of both.

I no longer wanted the light, I wanted status. I worked hard to get where I am and stepped on everyone I could to get here.

In retrospect, my ruthlessness was a step too far for the boy who burned like the sun. He tolerated an awful lot but I suppose this was bound to happen sooner or later. In a way, I guess I'm glad it happened sooner.

I'm sorry Finny; it really is all my fault.

Groaning at the lack of substance on the telly, I give up trying to find anything, switching it off and tossing the remote to the side. I feel like I should do something but I can't think of what or muster up the energy to move from this spot. Maybe I should make a cup of tea? Or perhaps I should drag myself to bed. I'm so tried I could sleep forever.

However, I find myself still unable to gather any will to move so I stay put on the couch and enjoy the one-man pity party I'm throwing.

The doorbell rings but I ignore it. Whoever it is can go away, I cannot deal with seeing anyone right now.

"Did you forget I have a key?" Alois shouts from the other side as though he read my mind.

Actually, I did forget. Damn it.

"You may as well come in," I call back. Telling him to piss off wouldn't make a difference anyway.

The brittle clank of metal keys hitting the door sounds out before the handle turns. Footsteps march down the hallway with purpose and find themselves by the entrance to the sitting room. A mop of blond hair peeks around the corner with blue eyes landing on me.

"Jesus, you look like shit," he sighs walking into the room.

"Ta very much," I snort. I haven't checked a mirror recently but he's probably right. I haven't slept well since Finnian left, I'm sure that's left its mark on me in some way.

"You haven't been eating, have you?"

"Finny did all the cooking," I reply.

"And you couldn't get a take away?"

"What are you doing here?" I frown, burying my face into the gap between my knees.

Standing in front of me Alois starts to unbutton his coat.

"Lizzie and I have been worried about you," he says calmly, flicking open his last button.

"Well, as you can see, I'm still alive so I'm fine."

"We haven't seen you in a while," he smiles, resting his hands on his hips.

Alois and I have been friends for what feels like forever. We are complete opposites in almost every way. I'm more of a logical thinker who prefers to be stoic rather than display all of my emotions. He's a free spirit with the emotional temperament of a toddler at times, stropping when he doesn't get his way. I'm unsure how we became friends but I think it boiled down to us either being the very best of friends or the worst of enemies, which no doubt would lead to us killing each other. We agreed it would be best if we were friends.

"Well, you've seen me now so you can go."

"What's with the attitude? I just came to check on you," he pouts.

"You needn't have bothered," I dismiss him with a snarky remark. Furrowing his brow and drumming his fingers along his sides, he grins at me.

"You're going about this break up all wrong."

"Says who?"

"You know what you need? You need to go out on the piss."

"You know that really isn't for me," I grumble into my knees.

"Right, that's it, get up!" he snaps, pulling my arms and lifting me to my feet.

"Hey, let go!" I shout, yanking my arms from his grip and falling back against the armrest of the couch. Hissing in pain, I rub my back as Alois bends over, planting his hands on either side of me.

"It's been two weeks, you've been feeling sorry for yourself for far too long."

"What do you know? You've never been in a long term relationship with anyone other than yourself," I retort.

"I've been your friend for seven years, which makes you the longest relationship I've ever had so get up, we're going out."

"I don't want to," I mumble.

"That's too bad cause we are," he pulls at me again bringing me forwards. "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else," he finishes with a wink. The gospel according to Alois, everyone.

"I want to be left alone."

"I have left you alone for two weeks, now get the fuck up, we're leaving."

I can see the determination in his face and if I continue to refuse it will only lead to a fight I'm sure I don't have the energy for. Alois is a dog with a bone when it comes to arguing and I'll only end up losing so I may as well speed up the process.

"Fine, whatever," I concede, pushing myself up from the couch and past him. Straightening up I pull down my cardigan and run a hand through my hair. A broad smile stretches across his lips as he takes my hand into his.

"Let's get you dressed," he decides.

"I am dressed."

"Not for where we're going," he grins, hauling me down the hall in the direction of my bedroom.

Damn it, perhaps I should have just fought with him instead.