Those susceptible to impending pain are those who close themselves. They project power, arrogance, stature, anything but emotions. They launch themselves on the defensive, and don't even give it a second thought.

Why would you set yourself up to be vulnerable?

Yet, it's human tendency to show moments of weakness. But we try to push away these humane notions, putting on the mask of an emotionless robot.

By suppressing those thoughts of potential vulnerability, we act as if our mind and heart is a machine, and it is easy to push all the memories to the back burner.

Those moments of weakness however, display things far worse than your deepest fears, your darkest desires, and your extreme guilt.

Deep down, all you want is for it to burn, all the memories, the anguish, the horror, anything and everything that has chipped you away piece by piece.

It doesn't showcase the demons within…Things like crippling regret, boundless faith, and just sheer impossibility are portrayed through your weak smiles, reassuring glances, and just downright uncertainty..

You take on the facade of confidence, hiding behind it like a battle-worn shield. Your antics are childish, and you know this because ignorance seems better than confrontation…

Your mind eats away at itself, looking at the the littlest occurrences, renewing your hope so much that at one point its becomes impractical, and you know it.

The 4 letter word with such a huge burden, seems intangible, impossible really. You can't help but laugh and deny any thoughts you have had based on the sole idea of Hope.

What's worse than having your weakest moment, your most questionable decision, stare you in the face everyday? You are left to ponder over the impossibilities, the what ifs…

This isn't a fairytale, and you know this. You can't take anything back, or wish it to change. Yet, this one thing that seems to have happened centuries ago, is meant to slap you in the face.

Every. Single. Day.

Otherwise, how would you appease your doubt? How would you be forced to acknowledge your decision, and be required to see the consequences?

Rachel Zane

5 years.

1,826 days.

43,824 hours.

2,629,440 minutes.

157,766,400 seconds.

1 word. 9 letters. Etched onto not only the glass wall in front, but also in her mind and her heart.

Her last name, is nothing but a burden. A token of the failure she know she has, and will have till the day she dies. Contrary to common belief, it isn't her focus or her 'supposed' determination to deterred her from taking the LSATs and get a satisfying score. A blame can't be put on her inadequate studying habits, or will to become a lawyer. The accusation can only be put elsewhere, the dirtiest corner there is, where all things fictitious lie under.

For 5 whole years, instead of pursuing her life-long dream, one that has been planted since the day she was born, she's only been able to do half of it. Half of what she wants. Half of what she dreams of doing. Half of what she loves and admires.

The world of law stops for no-one, and an LSAT score is a value, a representation of oneself and their future. She knows her disappointment will only continue weaken her relationship with her father. It's presence is so deep, it feels like with every attempt towards removing it, it only grows, further rooting itself.

She has watched lawyers, all formidable in stature yet admirable in actions go from case to case. Deposition to deposition. Their minds so sharp, that the littlest of details never go past them. She has watched none other than managing (and name) partner, Jessica Pearson, rise to occasion numerous times.

She finds herself regaining hope, convincing herself that this will be the very last time she ever takes the LSATS, and that she would soon be on her way towards becoming a lawyer. Yet once again, those seeds of doubt arise, and she pushes herself further down, forgetting that all she has left is to go up, continuing her personal (and quite depressing) mantra, and that she will only ever amount to being a paralegal.

She compares herself with others, sometimes its with Donna, a close friend and confidant, and sometimes its one of the nameless associates who get handed their first case, and are very soon climbing the rungs of the ladder.

She admires Donna, for never wanting more, but for never commanding anything less than what she thinks of herself. Her confidence is astounding, contagious even, and she feels herself latching onto one of the most important attributes of the Executive Legal Assistant.

Yet, that same admiration and appreciation for Donna isn't directed towards the associates whatsoever. She often envies the associates, those hand picked by the partners, who undoubtedly passed the LSATS, and gained the diploma from law school that she can only imagine getting. She continues to help them, being the perfect, dutiful paralegal. Her mind can't help but wonder, how it would be if the tables were turned. If she was commanding some paralegal, while preparing for her own case. Her own opportunity to show her father just how much she looked up to him.

And then..it all changed.

Mike Ross entered the picture, worming his way into her heart. His intelligence was just flat out amazing, and he seemed to defy almost anything. He flirted with her shamelessly, and showed her up on his tour. Despite the superiority of his brain, he never once ordered her around, never once threw his position as an associate over her head.

She found herself having a change of heart, looking to the associates in a new light, and the bitterness she felt towards her failure, her luck, almost everything there was to blame, fading away.

Mike Ross immediately saw potential in her from the start, whether it was her looks, her sass, or everything combined, he knew she was destined to be a lawyer. He continued to push her, trying to coax her into taking the LSATS again, almost role-playing the doting boyfriend. Except he wasn't.

And yet, the funny thing is, after all this time, someone she had known for maybe a couple of months pinpointed the very reason for her failure. Her hamartia, so to speak. He speculates that her test anxiety stems from her wanting every answer to be perfect. While doing so, she realizes that she was tripping on her own two feet this entire time. It wasn't the LSAT administrators or the books she studied from (which she was, at one point in time convinced that they were setting her up to fail).

Then she takes the LSATS…and scores a 172. Enough to pass Harvard's requirement. Enough to satisfy herself. Enough to finally put those meaningless thoughts on her self value away. For good this time.

She can't help but regret, that all these years, she put the blame on everything but herself. The one place where it had truly belonged.

5 years.

1,826 days.

43,824 hours.

2,629,440 minutes.

157,766,400 seconds.

Perfection…what an ugly word.

Louis Litt

His mind had this twisted idea of friendship vs. power. He sincerely believed that one could not exist with the other, and ultimately he would only have one of them.

He obviously concluded that power was more important. With power, he would be superior, whereas with friendship, there was always opportunity for betrayal. It all balanced itself out in his mind, it seemed like a logical approach. And he'd be damned if his actions didn't represent it.

And then it dawned on him…

By pushing those away, he was the sole cause for his loneliness. He mistakes friendship for vulnerability. And vulnerability in his book, is an all access pass to overpowering.

Yet, despite him being cognizant of this, of understanding this, he choosing to ignore it.

Every chance he gets, (numerous with Mike, and a handful with Harvey if anyone is counting) he chooses the path he knows he can't take. He scrutinizes their every move, and eventually fabricates the idea of ingenuity…something that wasn't even there to begin with.

His mind races, his heart pumping, and every single time he has found himself the sole cause of it all.

He rushes to conclusions, knows where he stands before it all goes down, and of those 102 scenarios that could possibly happen in his head, he chooses the same one.

The same scenario, the one he has learned to dread. The one he feels is inevitable.

Of the all the scenarios in his head, he never ever thought of this one.

Mike Ross

Henry Drummond once said that, "The people that influence you are the people who believe in you."

But, what about the bad influences?

The ones hidden behind excuses of peer pressure, it's the right thing to do at this age, help a friend, anything out there that can "justify" it.

Mike Ross has lived a life of people leaving him. Sure he had his grandmother for quite some time, but it was inevitable, and she passed away.

He often felt the need to compensate for what he was lacking; a loving home and doting parents.

That's where Trevor came into the picture. His childhood best friend was the exact opposite of him. He didn't care about grades or school, rather it was the things everyone knows is wrong.

For once, Mike had someone that had been in the picture far longer than his parents; his grandmother excluded.

He always knew Trevor cared, even in his twisted drug-riddled state of mind. Why would anyone stick with you for so long without caring?

Sure, their friendship was tested numerous times, him wanting to pawn of the eidetic memory thing, and of course Jenny and the drugs...

And when they got caught for selling a math test? Well it was part of the game of life. At least for Trevor.

When Mike went to confess to the Dean, surely it wasn't one of his finest moments.

It was a chance to be heroic, to show just how much his friendship with Trevor meant to him. But that didn't matter all that much.

When he lost the one thing he was looking forward to the most: Harvard Law.

Years later, he stumbles upon Harvey Specter, the best closer in New York City.

It's almost as if fate is handing him a way in to the legal world. Handing candy to a baby, but then swiftly taking it back.

He knows the risk he is taking, and how everyone around him is implicated in this giant lie that is his life.

He knows he can never be in the limelight, because Jessica herself said that light could turn into an interrogation lamp before he knew it. He was being protected by these people, who had just entered his life.

And being the puppy he was, he made spaces in his heart for everyone, including Harvey.

He admired them all, believed them to be his surrogate family in a way that seems ridiculous and childish.

Just like that he was given a chance to move on in life, prosper in his future. But, of course, it is most definitely difficult to cut of all ties from your past.

And his past had one lasting figure; Trevor Evans.

Harvey, being the one to put all the stakes on him hiring Mike, knowingly, told him directly that he was to cut off all ties with Trevor.

Sever whatever he had left of that poisonous friendship.

He did, despite his nagging doubts, he knew that Trevor was the one person in his life HE needed to leave, not the other way around.

After all, his adherence to whatever loyalty that existed in their friendship is what got him in this mess. His acceptance to Harvard was rescinded.

Yet, the thing is with Mike Ross, is that he doesn't regret becoming friends with Trevor, not what he regrets the most, is letting their friendship get to his head, being delusional in thinking selling a test to the Dean's daughter would get him off easy, and inadvertently spoiling his own future.

Donna Paulsen

The thing about the past is that it will always come back, someway, somehow. Be it in the nooks and crannies of your brain, or just the fact that you are playing with your past, openly, and very much into the future.

Much of Donna's career in the legal world consisted of Harvey Specter. She was there when he was the A.D.A, something very few people know. She was there when he figured out Cameron Dennis' true colors and misdemeanors.

She was there when he told her he was leaving the D.A's office and going to Pearson Hardman.

She was there when he was named Junior Partner.

She was there when he finally took in the fact that his father died of a heart attack.

She was there when he was named Senior Partner, and then Name Partner.

She was there for it all, witnessed it all firsthand, privy to aspects of Harvey Specter's life that he may not even know of.

She realizes time and time again just how much of an important figure Harvey is in her life. Everything she does revolves around him, she even knows what he wants before he does.

She considers herself knowledgeable to everything around her. Yet, the all knowing Donna didn't know this, until it was too late.

She had fallen in love with goddamn Harvey Specter.

When? She honestly couldn't tell you.

How? It was that irritating smirk, the charming personality, and that stupid smile that reaches his eyes and crinkles his forehead slightly after he wins a case, or does something he knows is brilliant. And of course what woman doesn't fall for an intelligent good looking guy that is practically living and breathing in suits.

After "that other time", she was honestly hoping their relationship would go a new direction.

But, like all the things she knows, she knew his career mattered to him, more than anything.

The day that he asked her to work for him at Pearson Hardman sealed the deal. She knew that was the plan. The curveball was the fact that it happened earlier than expected, and that she was never apart of it. Until now that is.

She knew deep down, that he wasn't ready for a relationship, especially when his career was looking up. She accepted his offer, throwing in a few Donna demands just to somehow mend the heart she knew was already broken. Hell, it was broken the minute he walked into her apartment.

Her mind took control, justifying that she couldn't just sit around now that she had left the office. What's better than resuming the same things, just elsewhere? Goddamn Harvey Specter, that was the problem.

After all these years, her biggest problem wasn't falling in love with him, or accepting a job that forced her to sort out her feelings. No, it was not dealing with it effectively. She hated to admit this, because as Donna, she was in no way inclined to these girly cliches, but she (unfortunately) fell in love with him more and more.

Her assumption could honestly be the biggest mistake ever, because she didn't even give him a chance to reciprocate, or really even think about it.

But after all these years, she pushes those feelings down, like month old mail, and refuses to touch it, or really feel it.

That'll only last so long...

Harvey Specter

Harvey Specter was many things: Aggressive, competitive, intelligent, witty, charming, and just downright amazing.

Let's face it, his ego was only going to grow from here on out.

But the one thing he wasn't so good at was being a good son.

He learned of his mothers discretions at the age of 16. He hid it from his father in an attempt of not hurting him any further. Then 2 years later, his mom left them, and the truth hit him and his dad like the Divorce ship just threw a cannon on the marriage one.

Then, he became busy trying to make a name for himself. Because, despite what most of Manhattan must thing, Harvey Specter came from nothing.

When Jessica saw potential in him, and put him through Harvard Law, he knew that maybe, just maybe he could make his father proud.

His brother Marcus was a musician, much like his father, and he knew those two shared that bond. Sure, he loved music, and could have a hearty discussion about it with someone, but it still wasn't the same.

Of course, he never acknowledged the fact that Gordon Specter was thrilled to have a son so ambitious and brilliant.

Then, after graduating 5th in the class, he went to work as an A.D.A upon Jessica's insistence. He met Donna, he learned of Cameron Dennis' true colors, and left as soon as he got a whiff of it. Gordon was certainly proud to see his son stand for the right and not the wrong, but Harvey didn't know it. He didn't know how much that one maneuver meant to his father.

Working at Pearson Hardman, his sole purpose was to become Partner. Eventually that evolved into getting his name on the door.

Then Donna comes in with news of his fathers passing, and he honestly, for the first time in his life doesn't know what to do.

When his mom cheated, he knew he was going to keep it from his father.

When Jessica put him through law school, he knew he was going to try and exceed all expectations she had for him.

When he found out about Cameron Dennis, (with the help of Donna), he realised that that wasn't the type of environment he wanted to work in, much less involved with.

When he made partner, he knew that the very first person (other than Donna) that should know would be his father.

Being Harvey Specter, he believed showing weakness was all it took for someone to undermine you and take advantage.

So, he dealt with his father's death in a timely fashion. He visits his grave every year, shares a drink with him.

He never acknowledged his father's pride regarding him. Every chance he gets, he tries to make him proud.

And it takes a very annoyed but touched Donna to finally give him a dose of reality. And although it helps, it still hurts him because he put work over his father. He chose work over his father.

He knows, deep down, Gordon Specter didn't mind, but that still doesn't stop eating at him every day.

When he does move up, becoming Senior Partner, and then name partner, he feels the need to listen to his dad's record, and gulp down some Scotch, the amber liquid he has grown so fond of.

"You'll only regret the chances you didn't take, relationships you were afraid to have, and the decisions you waited too long to make."

That's a wrap on this one shot!

Please let me know what you guys think. What would be the biggest chink in the armor for everyone? I tried my best trying to delve into their past/their minds and figure out how they would feel about this one substantial moment in their lives. I really hope I didn't butcher this!

Also, let me know who you liked best!

With love,

Justagirlwithwords