Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto . . . I would probably cry from happiness. Then I would force the Akatsuki and most of the other countries, including the whole of Konoha, to go to therapy. Alas, you don't see me shedding any tears, now do you? Not that you'd see me anyway. Curse the crisp, buttery goodness of cornbread. And my birth name.

Kakashi sighed. Today was the day. He had a team to test. Joy.

"I'm sure it won't be that bad," a familiar voice protested.

Despite himself, Kakashi felt his lips quirk slightly beneath his mask. Which he'd worn . . . In his sleep. "You say that every time."

"Yeah, but this is a new start!" his personal tormentor urged. "You know you've gotta get a team sometime."

Kakashi rolled over in his bed. "Quiet thou foul tongue, heathen."

He heard a snort. "C'mon, lazybones. Giddup. You're gonna be late."

"Like you can talk."

"I'll sing," his tormentor threatened. "You know I will."

"No, please. Argh. I'm dying."

"I haven't even started yet."

"If you render me deaf then at least I'll be able to take a sick day."

"Your laziness knows no bounds."

"I've honed it to suit my needs."

"Well, right now, your need is for speed."

"My need is for you to go sit in the corner. Quietly."

The merciless torturer shook his head, his expression saddened. "How times have changed. I never thought you would go so far as to emulate me. I knew you loved me, but this is going into dangerous territory."

Kakashi sighed again, rolling onto his back. "You're right. I have to let you go." He lifted a hand to wave farewell. "Goodbye, old friend. May we meet again in the next life."

"Oh, no," the old friend in question said, wagging a finger at him. "You're not getting rid of me that easily. So you know what I'm gonna do?"

"Please, no . . ."

"I'm gonna sing! And you know what I'm gonna sing?"

"Stop . . . I can't take it . . ."

"I'm gonna sing mushy, goopy love songs!"

"Urrrgghhh . . . ."

His friend took a deep breath, opened his mouth, and-

"Wow, I don't think even Sensei could go that fast," he said admiringly.

Kakashi, now dressed, glared at him dourly. "I'm taking my book."

"Just like you always do. You know, I never would have guessed you'd be such a pervert, 'Kashi. I really underestimated you. I hate to think of what you'll be teaching those kids when you finally do get a team."

Kakashi snatched the book from the stand and stalked out.

"No offense," his friend called after him. He winced as the door slammed shut. Then he phased, instantly appearing to walk beside Kakashi. "Nice day," he commented.

Kakashi grumbled, but Obito knew he secretly agreed.

"This is Naruto's house, isn't it?" Kakashi asked, surveying the expired milk in his hand.

"Poor kid," Obito exclaimed. "You gotta help him, Kakashi!"

Typical Obito.

"Yes," the Hokage confirmed. "He's clumsy, but you're the best to watch over him. You have a talent for sniffing things out."

Obito snickered. "He's calling you a dog, 'Kashi."

I think that's you, Kakashi thought.

If Obito were a dog, he'd be a black Labrador. And somehow, he'd still look stupid. Cute, but stupid.

"What's more," Sarutobi continued, "another member of the cell you shall oversee will be Sasuke, of the Uchiha clan. Best of luck!"

Oh, joy.

"Sasuke!" Obito said, delighted. "My adorable nephew-slash-actually-a-cousin! You hear that, 'Kashi? This is gonna be great!"

Kakashi snorted, but didn't reply to the blatantly biased statement. "I'll do my best."

He just knew it was going to be terrible.

He was right.

The moment he opened the door, an eraser bounced off his head.

Obito laughed until he cried. "I love these guys!"

Kakashi gazed at them blankly. "I hate you all. Meet me on the roof." Then he left.

"That went well," Obito commented. "I was expecting you to fly into a blind rage and slaughter them all, only to be apprehended by nearby ANBU, then use your evil mind to escape and become a nukenin feared in every country we travel through on your way to infamy and, most likely, a lifelong prison sentence."

"I'm going to kill you."

"See?" Obito gasped. "It's already started! Don't give in, Kakashi! Don't give in to the voices!"

Suicide was always a nice option, too.

Once they were all gathered on the roof, he began, "Now, I'd like you to tell us a little about yourselves."

"Like what?"

Kakashi shrugged. "You know. The usual. Your favorite thing, what you hate the most. Dreams, ambitions, hobbies. Things like that."

"Help us out here, coach," Naruto said. "You go first. Show us how it's done."

"That's right," Sakura agreed, arms wrapped around her legs. "After all, you're a complete stranger to us. A mystery."

"Yeah, you're so mysterious, Kakashi," Obito said, obviously enjoying himself. "Your perverted ways are known only to a select few, your gorgeous face to none. You're the very definition of 'mystery'."

Kakashi barely stopped himself from saying something that would most likely have traumatized his 'precious little students.'

"My name is Hatake Kakashi," he said instead. "I'm the kind of person who doesn't feel like talking about his likes and dislikes . . ."

"Yeah, right," Obito cried. "You're a fraud, Kakashi! A big, fat fraud!"

". . . except for one very specific and aggravating person for whom I am specially learning the art of exorcism . . ."

"What?" Obito gasped. "I thought you loved me! Traitor!"

". . . my dreams for the future are actually completing the exorcism . . ."

"Bastard! Turncoat! Betrayer!"

". . . other than that, it's none of your business . . ."

"Wait until they learn the true you! Then they'll wish it had stayed that way forever!"

". . . I have lots of hobbies . . ."

"Pervert! Libertine!"

". . . one of which is banishing the specific person I mentioned earlier from existence . . ."

"My heart! You just broke my heart!"

". . . now that's over, why don't we start with you, on the right." He smiled brightly behind the mask.

"You're despicable," Obito said with dramatic bitterness.

His new students stared at him.

"Uh," Naruto started, looking slightly weirded out by his teacher but no less enthusiastic, "my name's Uzumaki Naruto! What I like is instant cup ramen! What I like even better is when Master Iruka treats me to ramen at the Ichiraku Noodle Bar! What I hate is the three minute wait after I pour in the boiling water."

"Ha!" Obito laughed. "He's just like Kushina-san! And he looks just like a younger, smaller clone of Sensei!" He nudged Kakashi with his elbow good-naturedly. "Bet you his dream is to become Hokage!"

"My dream is to one day be a better shinobi than Lord Hokage," Naruto said with a confident smile. "And then all the villagers will have to acknowledge my existence at last!"

Familiar tears welled in Obito's eyes, and he sniffed. "He's so earnest!"

Kakashi almost agreed aloud.

"My hobbies are pranks and practical jokes, I guess," the son of the Fourth Hokage finished.

"I like him," Obito announced.

You would, Kakashi barely stopped himself from replying. "Next."

It was Sasuke's turn.

"Do me proud, my adorable little nephew," Obito urged. "Do me proud!"

"My name is Uchiha Sasuke." he said, expression unchanging. "There are plenty of things I hate, but I don't think that it matters, considering there is almost nothing I do like."

"You're kind of depressing, nephew," Obito said, disappointed.

"It seems pointless to talk about 'dreams' . . . that's just a word . . ."

"Oh, Kami!" Obito groaned. "A pureblood Uchiha! Please, no!"

". . . but what I do have is determination. I plan to restore my clan."

Obito gasped in horror. "You're just a child! You shouldn't even be thinking of such things yet!"

Sasuke's eyes darkened. "And there's a certain someone I have sworn . . . to kill."

There was silence.

Obito groaned loudly. "No, no, no, no! This is bad! This is so bad!"

Kakashi couldn't help but agree. There was no way the path Uchiha Sasuke was on now would end any way but bloody.

"We gotta help him, Kakashi," Obito said passionately. "He's so determined to get the power to do this thing, he'll destroy himself and who knows how many others. We gotta teach him." He gestured towards the younger Uchiha's teammates. "They gotta teach him."

It was moments like these that made Kakashi impossibly glad that Obito was still with him.

"And finally," Kakashi said as Obito subsided, "the young lady."

"I am Haruno Sakura," she began. "My favorite thing is . . . well, it's not a thing, it's a person. A boy . . . And that boy is . . ." she blushed, giggling, ". . . uh, let's move on to my dream." She blushed harder.

Obito stared in horror. "Sweet Kami, no!"

Kakashi nearly echoed him.

Sakura's expression changed to something less than complimentary. "I hate Naruto."

"That's rude," Obito said disapprovingly.

"My hobbies are . . ." She glanced at Sasuke shyly.

Kakashi felt slightly sick.

The blood, such as it was, drained from Obito's face. "I'm gonna puke."

"Enough," Kakashi said. "I believe we all understand one another."

Obito glanced at Sakura, horror still staining his features. "All too well, Kakashi. All too well."

Kakashi ignored him. "Formal training begins tomorrow."

Naruto saluted. "Yes, sir! What will our duties be? Our first real shinobi mission!"

"Aww, he's adorable," Obito said fondly.

"Our first project involves only the members of this cell," Kakashi said.

Naruto leaned closer earnestly. "What is it? What?"

"Survival exercises."

"Survival exercises?" Naruto repeated.

"But why would that be a mission?" Sakura asked, looking confused. "Our school days were full of survival training."

"But you'll have to survive . . . against me," Kakashi said, looking each of them in the eye. "It won't be a typical practice."

"Well, then, what kind of practice will it be?" Naruto asked.

The white-haired shinobi chuckled. It sounded exceedingly sinister.

"What are you laughing about, Master Kakashi?" Sakura asked warily.

"Oh, nothing," he said casually. "It's just that if I told you, you'd chicken out."

Obito snorted.

"Chicken out?" Naruto echoed, puzzled. "Why?"

Kakashi's expression became serious. "Of the twenty-seven members of your graduation class, only nine will actually be accepted as junior-level shinobi. The other eighteen must go back for more training. The test we are about to perform has a 66% rate of failure." He watched his new students' confidence falter, and he smiled. "See? You're chickening out already."

"Rude," Obito chided, but he didn't look as if he minded too much.

"That sucks!" Naruto complained. "We haven't been through it all! What about our graduation test?"

"Oh, we wanted to eliminate all the hopeless causes from our ranks," he said idly.

"Yeah, like me," Obito said with a surprisingly unconcerned smile.

Kakashi twitched, but continued nonetheless. "The ones who are left are the only students who show true potential."

Obito jerked a thumb at Kakashi. "Like Grandpa here."

Kakashi thought viciously about his earlier statement of an exorcism.

"Say what?!" Naruto shouted.

"In any event," Kakashi went on, "we'll meet tomorrow morning on the practice field so that I can evaluate each of your skills and weaknesses. Bring all of your ninja tools and weapons. And don't have breakfast beforehand . . . unless you enjoy throwing up."

"You're gonna be late again, aren't you?" Obito said, exasperated. Then he paused. "Wait . . . when did I turn into you and you into me? I can't believe I actually have to annoy you into being less late than usual."

Kakashi's lips quirked imperceptibly behind his mask, unnoticeable to his students.

"I see you smiling," Obito accused. "You're enjoying this, aren't you? Sadist!"

Kakashi ignored him, handing his students sheets of paper. "The details of your assignment are in this handout. Memorize it . . . and don't be late."

"You flaming hypocrite," Obito gasped, amazed. "You're unbelievable." The words were said in a tone that almost sounded like admiration. Almost.

And he was absolutely right.

Not that Kakashi would ever tell him that, of course. Denial, after all, was a healthy part of daily life and also a very good tourist attraction in ancient Egypt.

"Good morning, Class!" Kakashi greeted the next morning.

"YOU'RE LATE!" Naruto, Sakura and Obito yelled.

Kakashi sent Obito a covert weird look that none of his new students noticed.

Obito shrugged. "What? I might as well join in, right? This is like payback for all those times you complained when I was late. Well, ha, ha, Grandpa. Joke's on you."

A glint developed in Kakashi's eye, one that said, 'Be warned, worm. Revenge will be mine.'

"That's harsh," Obito said, faking hurt.

Kakashi ignored him in favor of leading Probably-Not Team 7 to the clearing.

A minute later, he set the timer of the clock he'd placed on the second of three tree stumps. "I've set this alarm to go off at noon."

The not-team looked puzzled. He held up little double bells for them to see. "I have here two small bells. Your challenge is to steal these from me before the timer sounds. Anyone who fails doesn't get any lunch. Instead, you will be tied to that stump" He pointed at the straight-up log in question, "so I can eat your lunch in front of you."

His little students didn't seem too pleased.

"I remember that," Obito said, scowling. It looked odd on his ever-cheerful face. "I was really hungry, too."

Kakashi coughed into his fist. "Idiot." He made the word unrecognizable . . . to all but Obito, who had somehow, through the years, figured him out. The ghost, spirit, grounded soul or whatever he was punched him in the arm. His fist wasn't solid, and so easily slipped through instead of landing. The sensation was strange, almost like water sliding down and, strangely enough, even inside his skin. He restrained the urge to shiver, clearing his throat to continue as if he'd never been interrupted, either by Obito or himself, in the first place. "All you need is just one bell . . . apiece," he said. "But since there aren't enough to go around, one of you is definitely headed for the stump. And whoever that is will be the first of you to fail. One of you is on your way back to school . . . and disgrace."

His students looked as if they were actually paying attention now, albeit with a certain amount of dread.

"Harsh," Obito commented. "And disheartening. Kinda scary, too. It'd probably be even more intimidating if they didn't know what a lazy pervert you are."

Kakashi didn't react. Mostly because, somewhere in the depths of his diabolical mind, he was already plotting his supreme vengeance. "You may, if you choose, use shuriken," he went on. "Attack as though you mean to kill or you'll never stand a chance."

"But . . . but that's so dangerous!" Sakura exclaimed.

"You couldn't even dodge an eraser!" Naruto laughed loudly. "You're gonna get yourself killed!"

Obito snorted. "Who do they think you are? A newly chosen genin? Yeah, right." He grinned, his expression nearly making it into the 'Evil' category. "Kick their ignorant asses, Kakashi!"

Kakashi didn't blink, used to Obito's sudden turnabouts and slightly gratified by his friend's obvious confidence in him.

"Only the weak speak loudly," he said instead of addressing the abrupt change in attitude. "Now, let's forget the dunce, and we'll start on my signal."

"Rude," Obito scolded again. (Fate's not the only one who's fickle.)

Naruto's temper got the best of him and he charged, a kunai clenched tight in his hand. Kakashi, having expected it upon first seeing the blond (stubborn, persistent, hotheaded, lonely and by consequence fiercely loyal, just very, exactly, painfully like Kushina), caught his student's fist, spun him around with a hand firmly pressed on his head, redirecting the kunai against him.

Trapped by his own actions.

"Not so fast," Kakashi said mildly. "I didn't say 'go'."

Obito was grinning at him. Kakashi would almost say he looked proud of him. "That's my best rival!"

Kakashi didn't answer, but he knew that Obito saw his acknowledgment. He turned his attention back to his impetuous little student. "But at least you struck to kill . . . So, it seems you've begun to respect me. Maybe . . . just maybe . . . I'm starting to like you three."

A softer smile flickered over Obito's face, both fond and pleased all at once.

Kakashi pulled back. "And now . . . ready . . . steady . . . Go!"

"The basis of all shinobi arts is to become invisible . . . eradicate yourself," Kakashi said.

Obito snickered. "Can't get more invisible than me."

A small smile, much too slight and unfamiliar to be noticed by his not-team, touched his lips for the briefest of moments.

Naruto, as usual, went into the whole thing headfirst. "It's time for the match to begin!" he said loudly and with great gusto. "Let's make it a real match, worthy of the greatest warriors!"

Obito laughed. "Maybe someday, kid, but not today."

"You may be thinking of the wrong kind of match," Kakashi said, deadpan.

Naruto rushed at him. "The only wrong thing here is your hairstyle!"

Obito cracked up. "He's got you there, 'Kashi!"

Kakashi ignored him. It was insultingly easy. He'd had practice, after all. He reached into his pack. Naruto jumped back mid-lunge, for once being cautious.

"Let me teach you . . . the first shinobi skill," Kakashi said intensely.

"No," Obito groaned. "Not that. Anything but that!"

"Tai-Jutsu: The Art of the Trained Body."

He whipped out the book.

Obito screamed.

Kakashi was far more amused by him than he should be, but he didn't take his gaze from Naruto. "Is something wrong? I thought you were coming for me."

His student was speechless. ". . . but . . . you . . . I mean, I . . . I mean . . . why are you . . . that's a book!"

"Of course it's a book," he said mildly, raising said novel to eye-level. "I've been dying to find out how this story ends."

"You already know, you bastard!" Obito cursed. "Monster! Fiend! You don't deserve the tiny amount of respect I used to feel for you!"

Kakashi's lips twitched. "Carry on," he told Naruto, seemingly carefree. "It shouldn't make any difference in the outcome, considering who I'm up against."

There was a pause.

"I'm gonna flatten you!" his student yelled, furious. He tried to land a punch, but Kakashi wasn't so unguarded as to let him. He caught it, then ducked the kick Naruto aimed at him.

"Charge!" Naruto shouted. "All right! That's it!" He came at his teacher . . . who was no longer there. "What the . . . ?"

"Showing your back so many times is very bad jutsu," Kakashi commented from behind him, ". . . dunce."

"Naruto!" Sakura shouted. Perhaps she wasn't hopeless after all. "Get out of there! You'll be killed!"

Naruto turned, eyes widened. "What?"

"Too late."

Obito was watching avidly, absurdly entertained, considering he knew just what was about to happen.

"Konohagakure Village's most secret and sacred technique! One Thousand Years of Death!"

And he delivered soul-wrenching pain.

Obito winced. "You're ruthless."

There was a moment of silence as Naruto plunged into the river.

Kakashi could almost hear his other two students thinking something along the lines of, "They're both idiots."

Kakashi lifted his book to read again.

It wasn't long before someone spoke, albeit someone only he could hear. "I . . . am seriously glad you weren't my genin teacher," Obito said with uncharacteristic solemnity.

Truthfully, so was he.

Naruto dragged himself out of the water, looking not unlike a drowned yellow and orange rat.

"Well?" Kakashi asked idly. "What's the hold up? Get one of these bells by lunch, or you'll have no lunch."

"Duh!" Naruto said forcefully. "I know that!"

"You claim you want to surpass Lord Hokage, but you've already run out of steam."

"Crap! Crap! Crap! I can fight no matter how hungry I am!" he said vehemently.

"Then show us," Obito said. These were the moments Kakashi wished most that others could see him, when he was at his best.

"I just wasn't ready, that's all!" his little student insisted.

Kakashi turned to walk away, throwing over his shoulder, "So learn to get ready. Don't they say that chance favors the prepared mind?"

In the middle of leaving, four exact clones of Naruto burst out of the water, then three more.

"Not illusions," Kakashi murmured, "but actual multiple flesh-and-blood bodies."

"Interesting," Obito said, looking genuinely attentive and, unsurprisingly, agreeing with Kakashi's own sentiments.

"But at your level you couldn't be strong enough to keep this up for more than a minute," the Copy-nin mused. "You talk a good game . . . but you're still only Naruto. You're a once-trick pony who hasn't got what it takes to win."

Obito sighed. "Harsh, 'Kashi. You know he's more than that."

Of course he did. He wasn't blind. But he wanted to see what Naruto would do.

Naruto showed him.

"Nice to see your back," Naruto said with a challenging grin, ". . . Master."

"Good one, kid," Obito congratulated. Not that the kid could hear it.

"I isolated once of my doppelgangers . . . sent it out of the water posing as me. While I circled around, behind you!"

"It was pretty clever," Obito agreed.

"Here's payback for what you did to me!" Naruto cried. "This must be hard on you, so I'll go easy. One good hit is all I want." He pulled back his fist . . . "Relax! I told you, I'm only gonna hit you once!" . . . and punched himself in the face. Hard.

"I said you were good," Obito said with a laugh, "but Kakashi is better."

"You're Kakashi, aren't you!" Naruto accused one of his doubles, who most certainly was not Kakashi. "You used the Art of Transformation to change!"

And it went downhill from there. All the clones, and including the real Naruto, proceeded rather moronically to beat each other up.

"No! You did!"

"So did you!"

"Did not!"

"I did!" Obito cheered.

Kakashi snorted beneath his breath.

"You have the same smell as Master Kakashi . . . like an old guy!" a clone declared.

Excuse me?

"That was rude," Obito remarked. "You're not that old."

Thanks. Really.

"Hey! Wait a minute," Naruto said, apparently realizing something. "Drop the illusion. If you do, there'll just be two of us . . . and you'll know for sure which is which."

"Why didn't you think of that sooner, idiot?"

"Because I'm you, idiot!"

"Brilliant mind, that kid," Obito said wryly. Kakashi silently agreed.

The clones dispelled.

There was only the real Naruto left. Kakashi could've sworn the blond-haired student cried a little bit.

He would have felt guilty, except . . . he didn't.

Then Naruto noticed something. "A bell!" he exclaimed, ecstatic. He hurried over, snickering to himself. "He must have been pretty flustered to drop one . . . hah . . ."

Obito glanced at Kakashi. "Is he for real?"

The Copy-nin found it hard to believe, himself. Had he ever been that gullible?

Naruto was caught with an ease that was almost painful to witness.

Kakashi bent down to pick up the bell. "You used the technique well, but so did I . . . and you were the one who got used."

"Face it, kid," Obito said sympathetically, "You didn't think about it too much."

Kakashi straightened. "And to be caught in such an obvious trap . . . was stupid."

"Sorry," his ghostly little friend offered.

Naruto was clearly enraged. "Argh-!"

Kakashi looked up at him. "Shinobi look underneath the underneath."

"I know that!" Naruto yelled, waving his arms.

"Uh, no, you don't. That's why I'm saying it."

"I kinda agree with him here," Obito admitted. "That was . . . er . . ."-He winced-". . . not the best thought-out plan."

What plan, exactly?

"Naruto," Kakashi was saying, "you-" And that was when the kunai and shuriken hit.

"Whoa! Whoa!" Naruto flailed. "No way! That was overkill, Sasuke!"

Emphasis on 'kill'.

Obito grimaced. "Ouch," he muttered.

Over there, eh? Kakashi thought. He'd found Sasuke.

He'd deal with him later.

A few minutes later, he also found Sakura. He paused, wondering what he should do with her.

She needed a wake-up call. Being a shinobi wasn't romantic. It wasn't nice. It was bloody, frightening, and most of the time even deadly.

She didn't see that. She needed to see it, but she didn't.

"Don't go too far," Obito said, worried.

Perhaps.

"Sakura, behind you!"

The girl turned instantly, and Kakashi as there.

Leaves. Lots and lots of leaves. Then . . . nothing.

She whipped around. "What!? What was that?! Where'd our teacher go?!"

Not far at all.

"Sakura . . ."

She visibly brightened, swinging to look behind her. "Sasuke!"

"Sa . . . ku . . . ra . . ." It was a grisly sight indeed, the broken and bloody Uchiha. "H-help . . . me . . ."

The blood drained from Sakura's face. Then she screamed, and fainted.

Kakashi looked down at her, furrowing his brow imperceptibly. "Maybe that was a bit too much."

Obito gave him an incredulous look. "What do you mean, maybe? I'm pretty sure you just traumatized her for life."

He felt kind of bad about that, too.

"You don't regret it, do you?" his conscience said, exasperated. "She's foaming at the mouth, man!" He paused a moment. "Wait, does that make her traumatized or just rabid?"

Kakashi thought it was quite possibly both. He mentally shrugged, and left to find one of the last surviving Uchiha.

It didn't take long, all in all. It didn't seem the boy was even trying to hide.

"I'm not like them."

Kakashi leaned against a tree behind him, listening. He sighed inaudibly. "Save your boasts until you've got a bell, Sasuke."

"Yeah," Obito agreed. "Pride goeth before the fall, y'know."

And where, exactly, had Obito learned something like that?

Correctly interpreting his expression, Obito defended, "Hey, I wasn't completely illiterate. You just never saw me enough to know that before I kicked the bucket."

An inelegant and rather crude way of putting it, but true.

He turned his attention back to the boy in front of him as he moved away from the tree. "The strength of the Uchiha clan . . . the most elite family in Konohagakure Village . . . I'm looking forward to it."

"You should, old man," Obito shouted cheerfully.

Kakashi contained a twitch.

'Old man' when only a little while ago he'd argued that Kakashi wasn't that old.

He and Sasuke began their fight.

First thrown shuriken; useless, easy to dodge, but a trap had been laid, although that, too was avoided. Coming in from the side with a kick; ineffective. A punch was thrown while in his grasp; caught as well. Another kick, the Uchiha moved well. He managed to jingle the bells at Kakashi's hip, but was thrown away.

"I admit it," Kakashi said, unfazed. "You're not like the others."

"'Course not. He's my nephew," Obito said with pride, before adding, "Well, cousin, really, but who cares? He's my nephew and that's that. Although Naruto could probably be really good, too. Sakura could use some work, but, well, don't we all?"

Sentimental little ghost.

Sasuke signed, Fire Ball Style: Fire Ball Technique.

It shouldn't have been possible, his chakra not yet developed enough to perform such an act.

Apparently, though, 'possible' didn't much care what people thought of it.

He resorted to Earth Style, going down, then freeing an arm of the ground and taking a tight hold of Sasuke's left leg, pulling him swiftly under.

Kakashi leaned over him. "The third shinobi battle skill: ninjutsu. But at least, as predicted, your performance was head and shoulders above your companions." He stood up and turned to go. "Oh, well. You know what they say. The nail that sticks up is the one that gets hammered down, right?" he chuckled as he left the clearing.

"That was great!" Obito said, enthused. "Seriously, he could be really powerful someday!"

"You're right," Kakashi agreed. "He needs to let up on the whole revenge thing, though. It's getting in the way of, well, everything. His friendships, his emotions, his actions. His life."

"Yeah," Obito sighed, calming down. "I really wish he wouldn't be so obsessed. There're more things than avenging the clan. He just doesn't realize it."

"He will," Kakashi said casually.

Obito smiled, bright as any sun and just as blinding. "That a promise, 'Kashi?"

"If you like."

Obito laughed, hurrying to catch up. "You like me," he teased.

"I despise your very existence and am planning to meet a traveling exorcist this very night."

Obito paused. "I didn't know there were traveling exorcists."

"You wouldn't."

Moments later found Kakashi atop the memorial stone, looking down at the blond-haired boy planning to eat the lunch he'd been banned from.

Obito whistled. "Wow. Where's the loyalty, eh?"

"Even if I can't take those bells fair and square," the kid was saying, his hands pressed together in front of him in preparation, "I can deal with it. I'll just hang out here and eat everybody's lunch!"

Kakashi cleared his throat pointedly.

The boy paled. "Uuh . . . just kidding."

"Too late."

"Way, way too late," Obito added.

The timer went off, ringing out.

"Oh, my," Kakashi commented. "Listen to all the little stomachs growl." He knew he was being obnoxious. He figured they deserved it, with the way they absolutely destroyed the whole point of the thing. "By the way, you three . . . I have an announcement about this exercise." He paused dramatically. "None of you need worry any more about being sent back to the ninja academy."

"Yeaah!" Naruto said, suddenly excited. "This rocks! That means all three of us . . ."

". . . are hopeless," Kakashi finished. "More schooling would be pointless. None of you will ever be shinobi."

Obito shook his head in despair. "You guys were one of the worst teams I've ever seen. Worse than even Kakashi and I. It was completely devoid of any teamwork whatsoever."

If that tone had been directed at him, Kakashi would have cringed at the sheer disappointment permeating it. Even Jiraiya would have averted his gaze from those sad, disenchanted eyes. He might have passed the failed team right then and there just to put an end to it all, but there was still one more test to oversee.

He hoped they gave him more than this, or they would fail and Obito would sulk. He hated it when Obito sulked.

But then, of course . . . that was up to them.

"You invited me to lunch because you wanted to learn something, right, Iruka?" the third Hokage asked as he ate his food. "What is it?"

"Group Seven," Iruka began, "Naruto and the others . . . what kind of teacher did you assign them, Lord Hokage? Is he very strict?"

"Who . . . Kakashi? Does it worry you?" He handed a book over to the man sitting opposite him. "Here. It's a roster of all of Kakashi's previous students among the junior-level shinobi-who passed and who failed."

Iruka took it and flipped through the pages. Once he got to the one he was looking for, his eyes widened in dismay.

It . . . it says . . .

Nothing good, that's for sure.

"What do you mean, give up?!" Naruto shouted. "Give me a break! Okay, so maybe none of us got our hands on one of your stupid bells . . . but why the heck should we quit over that?"

Obito ran a hand through his hair. "Where should we start . . ."

"Because not one of you has what it takes," Kakashi said steadily.

He'd gotten to the Uchiha child. The kid leapt up and rushed Kakashi . . . ending with his face in the ground. "What you are," Kakashi pronounced slowly, "is a trio of brats."

"Sorry, but I kinda agree," Obito admitted. "I mean, we've got a troublemaker-yeah, I know, like I can talk, shut up, 'Kashi-a fangirl, and a so-called Avenger. Why do we always get the weird ones?"

Well, they didn't always get the weird ones.

"Oi, I know that look. Mini-Gai doesn't count. He's one in a million. Okay, more like two in a million. Besides," he said with a big, knowing grin, "Gai's one of the few people you actually like, remember? Sure, he's loud, sparkly, and he tends to cry at the drop of a meaningful moment, but he's a genuinely good guy. Gai is-dare I say it-your friend. Don't reply, people will think you're insane."

Kakashi came back to himself when Sakura yelled, "Don't step on Sasuke! Get off of him!"

Sheesh, that girl had a set of lungs on her.

"Like Tsunade-hime," Obito observed. "Bet they'd get on like oil and water. Princess has no time for obsessed fangirls, after all. She'd be a good teacher for the girl."

"Are you trying to make fun of the shinobi with your behavior?" Kakashi asked, something a little angry and dark in his tone. "Well, are you? Did you ever stop to wonder for one minute why you were divided into teams?"

Sakura hesitated. "Uhh . . . excuse me?"

"Obviously not," Kakashi said, disgusted. "So you missed the entire point of the exercise."

"It had a point . . . ?" Naruto asked.

"Of course!" Obito exclaimed.

"Of course," Kakashi echoed. "And that point determines whether or not you would succeed."

"But you haven't explained what it is!" Sakura protested.

Obito sighed. "He shouldn't have to."

Kakashi agreed. ". . . I don't believe this."

"Aw, come on, already! Tell us!" Naruto yelled.

"It's-" Obito began.

"Teamwork," Kakashi finished.

His ex-students finally seemed to get it.

"If the three of you had come at me . . . together . . . you might have been able to take the bells."

Sakura got angry. "If we were expected to function as a team, why did you only have two bells? Even if we'd worked together, one of us still would have had to go without lunch!" She seemed incensed. "You're preaching teamwork, but you played us against each other!"

"Of course," Kakashi said simply. "This task was designed to cause dissension in your ranks."

"WHAT-?!"

"The situation was set up to reveal which of you would set aside your individual interests . . . and propose to the others that you work together for the good of all."

"Sorry. You didn't do so well," Obito said, not unkindly.

"Instead of which," Kakashi continued, "you, Sakura, ignored Naruto, who was right in front of you while focusing your attention on Sasuke, though you didn't know where he was." He nodded to his dead Sensei's son. "Naruto tried to do single-handedly what should have been the work of all three." He looked at the Uchiha heir. "And Sasuke had already decided that the other two just got in his way and he was better off solo."

"You were arrogant, Nephew," Obito sighed. "Really arrogant. You thought you could do it all on your own, same as Naruto. But that's just not how it works. There's no 'I' in 'team'."

Kakashi gestured with one hand to show that he agreed with Obito. "You are a team! Learn to act as one!"

"The way 'Kashi and I didn't get the chance to," Obito said.

"Yes," Kakashi acknowledged. "It's necessary for ninja to have individual skills, but . . . what is even more important now is teamwork. Making a play as an individual is bad for the team and exposes your comrades to unnecessary danger," he said harshly. "You might as well kill them yourself."

"Forgive you, 'Kashi," Obito volunteered. "Stop thinkin' about it as your fault and give them an example or something."

". . . Here's an example . . ." He moved quickly, instantly leaning over Sasuke with a kunai to his neck. "Sakura! Kill Naruto. Or Sasuke dies."

"That's not what I meant," Obito complained. "You bully."

Sakura gasped.

Naruto looked panicked. "WHAT!?"

Kakashi got up. "The day could come when one of you may be taken hostage, and you're forced to make such a choice. When you are on a mission, your lives will always be on the line." He turned and walked towards the memorial. "Look at the marker . . . all the names carved in the stone. Heroes of the village. Ninja."

Obito smiled, a bit embarrassed. "Thanks."

"That's it! I just made up my mind!" Naruto cried. "That's where I want my name to go! I'm not gonna throw my life away! I want to be like them-a hero!"

Kakashi cleared his throat. "But the ones listed here aren't just any heroes . . ."

"Really?" Naruto asked, immediately wanting to know. "What kind of heroes are they?"

Kakashi paused.

"Come on! Come on!"

"The dead kind," the last survivor of Team Seven said. "They died in the line of duty."

"Sorry," Obito said impulsively, as if he thought he should apologize for dying.

Naruto's smile faded.

"This is a memorial," Kakashi murmured. "It includes the name of my best friend."

"I don't want you to be there with your name on the stone with mine too soon," Obito said. "I really don't."

Kakashi turned his head to look at the new not-Team Seven. "Pay attention. I'm giving you all one last chance. One that will be far more difficult than our last little game with the bells. If you're prepared to continue, you may eat one of the bento boxes. But no sharing with Naruto. He goes hungry."

"Why?"

"He brought it on himself when he tried to sneak lunch for himself," Kakashi replied. "If either of you feeds him, you fail the test right there. My word is law. Do you understand?"

Obito saluted. "You got it, Sarge."

And with that, Kakashi was gone.

Kakashi watched the not-team begin to eat.

"You'll never make him starve," Obito said confidently. "You softie."

"I'm waiting," Kakashi said.

Obito nodded. "To see if they're worth it. I really hope they are."

"So do I."

"This . . ." Iruka stammered, "this is . . ."

"Yes," the Third Hokage agreed. "There's no denying that Kakashi is extremely strict. And when his students come to him, they are utterly naive."

"I can't see that . . . but . . ." Iruka looked up searchingly. "No one? No one at all . . . ?"

"Yes," the Third said seriously. "Kakashi never passes anyone. Ever."

Boy, were they in for a surprise.

Sasuke gave Naruto his bento.

"Miracle of miracles and Kami be praised," Obito said with a grin. "Looks like my nephew's not hopeless, despite your very detailed mutterings of pureblood Uchihas and their great, massive-"

"Obito."

"-pride." He blinked at Kakashi. "What? What did you think I was gonna say?"

Kakashi rolled his one apparent eye. "Just don't ever actually say it," he mumbled. "It sounds so wrong coming from you."

"You say things like it all the time."

"Yes, but you still look like an innocent little kid."

"Not that little," Obito protested. "I grew up same as you, even though I'm, you know, dead."

"Doesn't change the fact."

"Speak for yourself, Grandpa."

They observed the Uchiha heir.

"Who'da thought it, huh?" Obito said suddenly.

"I never would have guessed," Kakashi murmured. "He's got a bit of you in him after all."

"Aww, stop it, you big gray-haired teddy-bear. You're making me blush."

They watched Sakura hand her lunch over as well.

"Finally," Obito commented. "These guys really need all the help they can get, don't they."

They saw Naruto smiled, almost shyly, and heard him say, "Thanks."

"He's adorable," Obito said fervently.

Kakashi pinched the bridge of his nose. "We are not adopting him."

"But-"

"No."

"Can't we just-"

"Never."

"It won't even-"

"Shut up, Obito."

His best friend deflated. "Can we at least visit him or something? Please?"

Kakashi sighed, exasperated. "Obito . . ."

"Please, 'Kashi?" His eyes got big and pleading, and . . . was that a tear?

"Stop, stop, stop!" Kakashi held up his hands as if to ward him off. "Fine, we'll visit the little-"

Obito brightened. "Thanks, 'Kashi!" He gave him a blinding smile. "You're the greatest friend ever!"

Kakashi raised a hand to his forehead as if squinting through bright sunlight, then turned away. He couldn't look directly into that smiling face. It was too dazzling.

He appeared in the middle of the clearing in a big puff of smoke (and no, he was not 'running away', thank you so very much).

"What the heck?!" Sakura cried.

"You," Kakashi began, stepping forward to lean in close, ". . . pass." He smiled at their shocked faces, enjoying the stunned silence.

"Eh . . . ?" Sakura stared at him.

"Huhn?"

Sasuke looked distinctly unamused.

Obito was laughing. "You got 'em good, 'Kashi!"

"We pass?" Sakura exclaimed. "But . . . why?"

"You three have just taken a giant step forward," he said.

"Ummm . . . how?"

"Up until now, all any of you have done is listen unquestioningly to everything I say like mindless, little drones."

"Nice image you have there." Obito grimaced.

Kakashi ignored him. "A true shinobi seeks to look underneath the underneath. In a ninja's world, those who violate the rules and fail to follow orders are lower than garbage. However . . ."

". . . those who do not care for and support their fellows are even lower than that," Obito and Kakashi finished together.

Naruto looked a bit in wonder at this revelation.

"This exercise is now concluded," Kakashi said, nodding to them. "You all pass. That's all for today, Team Seven. Your duties will commence tomorrow."

"I . . . I did it! I did it!" Naruto said, delighted. "I'm a ninja!"

But Kakashi, Sakura and Sasuke were already leaving. "Let's go home."

"Uh . . . hey, guys? I'm still tied up here . . . guys?!"

Obito waved Kakashi goodbye. "Don't worry, I'll free him! I'll see you once I'm done!"

And they were gone.

Obito turned to Naruto. "Don't worry, kid," he said genially. "I'll getcha out." He reached out . . . and his hand went through the bindings.

There was a moment of silence.

"Uh . . ." He rubbed his head sheepishly. "Sorry, kid. Forgot I wasn't corporeal."

It was probably a good thing Naruto couldn't hear him. That way, he couldn't be disappointed.

"I'll get Kakashi to come and untie you," the ghostly man promised.

In the end, convincing Kakashi took one traumatic event.

Singing. Loudly and with great abandon. In public. With lyrics like "I'll love you forever" and "I would give anything just to touch you".

Kakashi folded like a wet towel.