"Where's Mario?" Link asked as he plopped down on the couch. "Haven't seen him all day."

"He was quarreling with Megaman again," Marth replied as he lifted his ink brush from another carefully made stroke.

"What do you think of the newbies?" Ike inquired flatly while his eyes did not part from the TV screen.

The Hylian shrugged. "Hmmmm. Can't say right now. Megaman's okay, but sometimes a little annoying. He's always trying to be a part of everything we do."

"I cannot blame him," the king said in his regal tone. "He's been cast out from the world of Capcom. There's no surprise that he'd be needy and overly dependant."

"What about that Wii Fit Trainer?" Link asked.

"Her fighting style is… peculiar," Ike began. "But-"

The female posse of the Smash Mansion walked by the living room. Judging by their outfits, they were ready to hit the gym.

"Hello, boys," Peach greeted and whipped her blonde locks dramatically.

But they weren't paying attention to the Mushroomy princess. She frowned as she walked past them, disappointed by their lack of interest.

"But…," Ike repeated.

"Yes," Marth agreed in a distinguished manner as he finished painting the rearview of a voluptuous female body. "Dat ass."

The men stared on intently until the women were gone from sight, and I don't blame them. Every female Smasher is objectified in every single way, just because they're so damn hot. Dat ass.

Link then cocked his head to the side in wonder. "Why is it that every time a female Smasher joins, she's objectified in every single way?"

Stop taking my lines.

"Rule 34," Ike answered soberly.

"Rule 34," the blunet agreed solemnly as he went back to is calligraphy. "I wonder if women have similar thoughts about men."

Link tried to hold back a laugh. "Pffft. What about guys like Olimar? You really think they'd fantasize about him?"

Marth put down his brush. "Of course not. But..."

In a super-dramatic fashion, he swiveled around and gently placed a hand on Link's face.

"Who wouldn't fantasize about someone as beautiful as you, Link?"

Pink flower petals swirled around them as they held their glittering gaze, blushing.

Link tenderly lifted the blunet's chin. "No," he said abashedly. "Your perfect face and dark eyes like the night sky would make any heart melt."

"Nonsense. Your eyes are even more dazzling. They're as blue as the ocean reflecting the brilliant sunlight on a midsummer's day."

"Marth…"

"Link….."

Slowly, their lips grew closer, and closer, until…

"Cut!" Fanfiction called out and disposed of his basket of freshly plucked flower petals. He basically looks like a chalk-white humanoid wearing a business suit with the word Fanfiction written across where his face should be. Did I mention that he's a greedy corporate pig? "That was good, guys. Nice work."

The two swordsmen roughly pushed each other away.

"He-she," Link grumbled.

"Dirty peasant," Marth spat in disgust.

"Kyaaa~!" Peach fangirled in the background and held her phone up high as if it were the Holy Grail. "I got the whole thing on video! This is so going online!"

"Someone's always watching," the king muttered darkly.

The Hylian glared at Fanfiction. "There. You have your gross Yaoi fanservice. Now piss off."

"The characters are all probably OOC," Marth brooded. "And what the hell's with the script?"

"And can you not use flowers next time?" Ike requested as he rubbed his nose. "I'm allergic."

"Oh, yeah, Ike," Fanfiction reminded as he looked down on his clipboard. "You're on Yaoi fanservice duty next week. You're paired up with… Pit. Again."

The mercenary rolled his eyes.

Link walked up to your computer monitor with a hopeful smile. "Fangirls. I would really, really appreciate it if you would stop requesting these Yaoi stuff-"

Fanfiction pulled the blond back from the screen and put him into a headlock. "The only reason why Fanfic survived up to now is because of slash fics! We have to keep our popularity high by any means necessary!"

"Please send your donations to the Fanfic Pairings Relief Foundation," Marth added as he took Link's place. "It is an organization that-"

"Stop breaking the 4th wall!" Fanfiction snapped and also dragged Marth into a guillotine hold.

"You started it!" he wheezed.

"Please!" Link begged desperately. "No more LinkXGanondorf pairings! I can't take it anymore!"

"Guys quiet down," Ike insisted as he mashed the buttons on his controller. "This level's really hard."

No, it's hard 'cause you a noob.

The three swordsmen went to the Game Room and started a casual game of billiards. Beside them, the younger Smashers were loudly exclaiming as they played the Street Fighter arcade game.

"Hey, you know that Villager guy? Where's he from?" Ike asked as he applied chalk to the tip of the cue.

"Some game called Animal Crossing," Link answered and struck the cue ball. "Not much of a fighting game I've heard."

"Doesn't he unnerve you?" Marth inquired after a moment of contemplation.

"What do you mean?" Ike asked with a frown.

"I mean…"

Marth turned his head to the side. Link and Ike followed his gaze to the other end of the room. On the chair against the wall sat the Villager. He continued to stare at them with the same blank smile, unmoving, unblinking.

"Now that you mention it, he does give me the creeps," Link whispered apprehensively.

Ike timidly waved at him with a weak smile. The newcomer blinked, but otherwise, did not move.

"Is it just me, or did the temperature go down?" Ike said as he felt the symptoms of goosebumps.

"I feel it too," Marth replied with a shiver.

"C'mon guys. He's just a shy newbie, right?" Link chuckled nervously. "Right?"

They turned back to the chair, but with no trace of Villager.

"W-where'd he go?" Link stammered as he looked around. "Hey, guys! Did you see the Villager?"

"Was he here?" Ness asked, puzzled by the question. His young friends shrugged or shook their heads.

Marth's eyes went wide. "Guys, gather up."

"This isn't a good sign at all," Link whispered.

Ike looked from Link to Marth. "What do you mean?"

"You idiot!" They knocked him over the head.

"Ness didn't know that the Villager was here," Marth said forebodingly.

"That means that Ness couldn't feel his presence even with his ESP powers," Link finished.

"Shiiiiiit," Ike breathed out quietly once he understood what they meant.

"Whatever he is, we have to get to the bottom of this," Link said firmly.

"You're right," the mercenary agreed. "What if he's some Devil-worshipping, animal-sacrificing hellspawn?"

Marth sighed in disbelief. "Let's be realistic here. The worst he can be is a serial killer or a member of some crazy cult. I'll look through the library for anything useful. Link, look through his contender files, including through the classified ones-"

"If Master Hand finds out-"

"He won't find out, Link. It's all up to your performance. And Ike….."

The mercenary looked up from the half-empty chicken bucket, and swallowed a mouthful of deep-fried meat. "Yeah?"

"…"

"…"

"….."

And the three stood there silently as the passing wind swept up some scattered leaves. Wait, they're indoors, that doesn't make any sense. This fanfic writer really needs to get his act together; I'm just the narrator.

Disclaimer: I am NOT trying to badmouth Fanfic in any way. My only objective is to create a distinct character as an internet entity and to satirize the great amount of FFs that are too pairing-oriented and lack accurate (or redeeming) character personalities.

Brace yourself….

More FF satires are coming