Waiting for Godot

Today, you're going to talk to Kin-chan

Today, you're going to talk to Kin-chan.

You've given him a week with his thoughts and whatever it was still hasn't gone away. You see him sitting alone in the school library, a book in his hands and an empty seat in front of him. You entertain the thought of sitting down uninvited, and striking up conversation out of the blue (like how Yufuin did whenever he wanted to talk to someone). You think you'll lead with an icebreaker, and then once Kin-chan is used to your being there, you'll get to the heart of the matter.

He's reading intently though. You watch him and the empty seat from the safety of the bookshelves, and you just don't see an opportunity to come close. Then you remind yourself you're in a library, and talking risks getting in trouble. You don't want to get Kin-chan (or yourself) in trouble.

You find the book you wanted and leave, realizing you don't know any icebreakers either.

Today, you're going to talk to Kin-chan.

You're starting to get nervous and uneasy about the whole thing, and though you fear starting a conflict, you know you need to take the first step.

That morning, you think about what you're going to say, and how you'll to say it. There is nothing else on your mind, and you hardly hear what the teachers say in class or what Yufuin says during breaks.

You'll talk to him during lunch, you decide. You'll follow him to the cafeteria, where there will be too many students for anyone to really notice the two of you, and you'll ask, "What's wrong?"

When lunch arrives, Yufuin is all too happy to let you go and wishes you luck, and you smile, confident that all will be well. But there really are too many students in the cafeteria that day, and though you look, you can't find Kin-chan anywhere.

(You don't know he eats alone on the roof these days.)

You come back to class, and have a quiet lunch with Yufuin.

Today, you're going to talk to Kin-chan.

You both have cleaning duty today, so it must have been fate itself giving you this moment. You're an odd mix of nervous and happy, thinking things will finally go back to normal after today. Your excitement stirs Yufuin's curiosity, and he makes you promise to tell him later, after school.

When cleaning duty comes though, your excitement loses to your nerves. Kin-chan isn't looking at you, but the few other students there are, and their presence (which you conveniently forgot about) makes it hard for you to talk. You don't want them to think you are shirking your duties. You know everyone just wants to go home already, and it isn't right for you to waste everyone's time. So you don't.

Yufuin is waiting for you at the school gate, and though you're still forcing a smile, he can see that whatever enthusiasm you had before is gone.

He doesn't bring up the promise.

Today, you're going to talk to Kin-chan.

It's getting ridiculous now. You're both getting strange looks from your classmates and teachers, all of whom knowsomething happened, and are just dying to know what.

You've never been close to anyone besides Kin-chan, so you're not really sure how to react when your classmates start asking questions. You try to answer them honestly (you don't know), but the more you hear them, the more you start to wonder if they know something you don't.

En-chan is the one who finally scares them off.

"Gossip-starved vultures, all of them," he hisses, and you've never seen him so worked up before. But he quickly calms down before he speaks to you again, "Don't give them what they want, Atsushi. Whatever happened between you and Kusatsu is your business, not theirs."

You mention your worries—that they already know something—and En-chan offers to have a friendly chat to find out. You turn him down, not wanting to trouble him or cause conflict between classmates. He just shrugs and lets you know the offer will stay open.

(You don't talk to Kin-chan that day. He's in a foul mood and you realize the prying had to have reached his ears too. You don't want him to think you're only talking to him to prove something to your classmates.)

"Here," En-chan drops a packet of melon bread on your desk, "You hardly ate anything during lunch." You thank him, but you don't open the packet, no matter how much he wills it with his stares.

It never crossed your mind that you may be the cause of Kin-chan's distancing, but now you can't get it out of your head. You keep thinking back to when he stopped talking to you, and what you could have done to trigger this, but you just can't think of anything. And that only makes it worse.

You remember not going to his house after school the day before, but you've done that plenty of times, so that couldn't be it. There had to be something though, and you needed to apologize. But an empty apology was just offensive. Kin-chan would never forgive you with it. You would never forgive you with it.

Food has no taste when you're like this. You can't bring yourself to swallow it.

Today, you're going to talk to Kin-chan.

You have to know what you did. You're thoroughly convinced you did something now, and you're terrified. En-chan knows something is wrong, and you know he wants you to tell him, but you can't. Your grateful that he doesn't pry, but part of you wishes he would—no, his constant presence is more than enough for you.

(You're scared he'll side with Kin-chan if he knows. You're scared he'll think you're a horrible person and leave you. You are a horrible person and you can't tell him.)

It's the last day before winter break and you know you should settle this today. But Kin-chan is in a good mood and you don't want to ruin it by bringing up old wounds, especially when you not knowing what you did may be the biggest wound of all.

"You have a fever," En-chan says without preamble, only afterwards pressing his hand to your forehead to confirm it. He's right. Winter never ends without one last bug to unleash, and though you tried to be careful, it bit you. Your head is hot, your sight is bleary, and your body is too heavy to move freely. Your scarf is still wrapped tightly around your neck and mouth because you're just too cold without it.

"Come on, I'll take you to the nurse. You shouldn't be here." He's unusually persistent about this, but even he's forced to concede defeat when the teacher threatens to make both of you stand in the hall. He still spends the whole class watching you though, and you know he'll start again when the break begins. But you have a math test after lunch and can't afford to miss it.

You don't make it to lunch. Halfway through second period, you can't hold your head up anymore and finally set it down on the desk, just for one moment of rest. The next thing you know, En-chan is arguing with someone and the teacher is kneeling by your desk, making sure you're okay. You're not really sure what's going on, but the classroom is abuzz and all eyes are on you. The teacher wants to send you home. You try to protest, but when he promises to explain to your math teacher, you find yourself agreeing. And a silver lining shines through the cloudy haze.

Today, you're going to talk to Kin-chan.

Despite En-chan's protests, the teacher refuses to let him accompany you to the nurse (he doesn't trust him not to skip class). Instead, he sends Kin-chan. You finally have a moment alone, with no one else around, and you're going to talk to him.

But in the empty hallway, Kin-chan does his hardest not to even look at you, and you realize that you shouldn't risk getting him sick by carelessly talking to him. He leaves as soon as the nurse sees you, and the silver lining goes with him.

(En-chan checks on you after second period and does end up skipping most of third, while he waits for your mom to pick you up. He brings you your homework everyday you're out, and winds up catching your cold. On the days that he's out, you can't help but notice Kin-chan sometimes staring at his empty desk.)

Today, you're going to talk to Kin-chan.

But you don't.

You don't even have an excuse to offer yourself this time.

Today, you're going to talk to Kin-chan.

You've done it! You've finally gotten him alone and you're standing in front of him, and he's looking at you, waiting for you to say something.

It was late September when this whole thing began, but now the Cherry Blossoms are beginning to bloom and you've both had plenty of time to think things over. You take it as a good sign when he stops at the school gates after hearing you call him. You take it as the good sign you've been waiting for all this time.

You're ready to talk. You know you are ready. You have to be ready. But something in your throat seizes up and the words you so desperately want to say aren't coming out. All either of you can hear are weak pathetic sputters that make no sense.

Kin-chan isn't impressed.

"Spit it out already," he snaps at you, "Either say something, or stop wasting my time."

You've never heard such venom in his words. It poisons any semblance of courage you had, and you finally put on your calmest smile and make up some trite reminder to tell him. Neither of you are happy with this conversation. Kin-chan goes on his way, a frown on his face, and you're left standing at the school gates trying to hold it together.

It's this state that En-chan finds you in shortly afterwards, and leads you to the most secluded bench he can find. He's never pried before, but this time, he isn't letting you go home until he knows what happened. But whatever caught your voice before still hasn't let go, and again you can only stutter as you bury your face in your hands.

But this time, there's a warm hand on your back. "It's alright. Just take your time," En-chan's voice is supposed to be reassuring, but to you, it's the final straw that breaks the floodgates. You can't keep it together anymore and just start sobbing like a child, well aware of how humiliating it is (and you're starting high school next month?)

You feel En-chan freeze and that only makes you cry harder, as you're sure he finds you as pathetic as you feel. It's nothing short of surprising when he inches closer and starts rubbing circles on your back. He doesn't say anything, only passes you the red cloth he keeps balled up in his blazer to use as a handkerchief. You don't fully realize it's his tie when you accept it, but you clutch it like a lifeline as you try to recompose yourself.

You're not sure how long it takes for you to calm down, but at the end of your cry, you may be tired and lightheaded, but En-chan's still beside you. You don't want to go home yet, so he invites you to a nice relaxing place he'd found the other day when he went to check out the high schoolyou'd be attending in a couple of weeks. You accept.

(You're a bit shy when you see it's a public bathhouse, but En-chan is right. You feel a lot better afterwards.)

Today, you're going to talk to Kin-chan.

You're both in high school now, and there's no reason for silence to keep separating you. You say "hi" when you see him, you try to make small talk if the moment presents itself, and you always smile politely at him. He picks on En-chan a bit, who teases him right back, and you sometimes act as a buffer between them. It's not what you want, but you're content with this.

You still think of him as your friend, despite everything.

("Today, you're going to talk to Kin-chan."

So you keep telling yourself, but you'd rather let sleeping dogs lie. )

A/N: Thanks for reading. I hope this is okay.

I saw a few fics about Atsushi and Kinshiro's friendship written from Kinshiro's perspective, so I decided to write one from Atsushi's instead. Or rather, I mentioned to someone that I thought Atsushi and En are both really passive, but in different ways, then for unrelated reasons looked at Atsushi's image song... and this thing wrote itself. Right down to the title. (Although confession: I am not a fan of this play)

So um, I hope you liked it?

(Side note, I chose September for the month that everything began because they're wearing summer uniforms in the flashback (Oct 1st is the date to change to Winter) and it looks like it's getting dark early if it's already sunset when they're leaving school. Plus I didn't like the idea of them not spending their summer vacation on speaking terms *shrug*)

(*Sigh* I'm well aware that 2nd POV fics aren't technically allowed on FF but this isn't an interactive fic so... please overlook it? If necessary, I can change it to 1st POV, but I really don't want to ~.~)