Section 1

Chakotay decided that the next twenty-four hours ranked as some of the most exhausting of his life. The ship was on red alert. They'd checked and double checked and couldn't find the parent ship responsible for the remote. For all they knew, it was light years away. But it was out there somewhere. The most likely explanation was that the remote had been sent out to determine what had happened to other two ships. That had taken the unknowns nearly a month. The delay may have been because of the distance from which they originated, or it may have been from inattention. If it was the latter, Voyager had their attention now. So it might take the unknowns another month or it might take them an hour, but eventually they were going to come looking.

Janeway was livid about the latest attack and her response was predictable. Her comments to the Command Crew in the Briefing Room eliminated any possible questions about what she thought they needed to do next. He still remembered the words exactly.

"I'll be damned if I'll turn tail and run. We don't know where to run to anyway. We don't know where their space is, why they continue to attack, or how long it'll take for them to attack again. This crew has never, and will not now, hide from the unknown. We're going to control this situation. We need those resources and we're going to get them. We're going to stay, we're going to mine, and we're going to find a way to beat them if they dare to show up again. Let's move it, people."

Janeway sent him back down to the planet with a mining crew to finish getting the resources. At least the work kept him distracted. He wanted to pound something; alien rock was as good as anything else. The work was tense, demanding, and exhausting. Speed and precision were critical. They needed to get the minerals out and then get the hell out. He didn't want to end up stranded on a rock 67 light years from home. And most of all, he didn't want to be down on a planet when Voyager engaged the aliens again.

The current crisis had obviously put any personal issues he and Janeway had onto an appropriate back burner. To do anything else would have been unprofessional. But even he'd been surprised at how easy it was to slip into their professional roles with no awkwardness between them. It was as if nothing of import had happened.

At least, that's how it was when they were onboard Voyager. But when he was down on the planet, pounding rock, with no sleep for forty-eight hours and his frustration level at an all time high, he couldn't keep stray thoughts from fleeting though what was left of his brain. None of them were pleasant.

He'd lost count of the number of times he'd cursed himself as a fool. He'd assured her he could control himself, and he'd broken the promise the minute their defenses were down. The worst part was that when he tried to convince himself that he could have stopped, if she'd asked, he didn't really believe it. He was going to have to live with that for a very long time. In his better moments, he assured himself that she would rationalize the encounter to simply be the effects of adrenaline and fear heightening their emotions, with sex the obvious conclusion to it all. He'd felt that sort of adrenaline rush before, upon occasion, but the problem was he'd never acted on it before, not once in 26 years of combat situations. And somehow, he was sure Janeway'd never acted on it before either.

He shut his mind down and concentrated on blasting the rock.

When they finally left Ginn's planet with the necessary resources and were no longer sitting ducks, Janeway's anger at the unknowns burnt itself out. What was left was a cold, calculated, calm determination. She expected another attack eventually and this time she intended to be prepared. A calm and controlled Captain was something the crew was used to. He could almost feel the collective sigh of relief as they headed out into the Delta quadrant on their way home.

But, although things had returned to what was considered status quo by the crew, his personal relationship with Janeway was anything but that. The Janeway wall was up again; an impossible barricade. He knew it was temporary, but a bad sign. She was chewing on the problem; the results were going to be difficult, unpredictable and unexpected. They always were.

The two things that had remained constant were their working relationship and the situation with Kolopac. If anything, she seemed more protective of Kolopac than before the last attack. And their interactions continued to be appropriate and professional. He doubted that the crew had noticed any change. But when they were alone, he'd been extremely careful in his interactions with her, afraid she'd never forgive him, and that she'd pull so far back he'd never be able to retrieve any of it.

He let her sort it out, worried, cursed himself repeatedly, and missed her. The memory of her laugh, the way she fit into his arms, and the overwhelming desire he'd felt came rushing back to him at night, which he expected, but also in unconscious moments; in the mornings when he wasn't yet awake, when she accidentally touched him during working hours, and during what seemed now to be incredibly empty evenings.

Five days into the calm and past Ginn's planet, she finally showed up in his quarters. She was sitting on the couch, in casual clothes, reading a padd and drinking some coffee when he walked in after working beta shift.

She put down the padd, sat up and smiled at him. He suddenly realized that he hadn't seen her smile in days. It threw him off balance more than anything else she could have done. He had no idea what to say.

She didn't seem to notice. "Hello, Chakotay. How was the shift?"

He sat down next to her on the couch, his hands clasped between his knees, and looked carefully at her coffee cup, not wanting to see her expression. "Everything's fine. Ayala and Dalby had a run in over who was responsible for a faulty connection in the transporter circuitry, but that's about all. No sign of any visitors, of course." He paused and asked the obvious. "I assume Kolopac's asleep by now."

She put her feet up on the couch under her, and moved her arm out along the back of it. "Yes, of course. He's been asleep for nearly four hours now."

"I see." But he didn't see anything, and he had no idea how to begin to tell her that.

The silence was uncomfortable. She finally broke it. "Chakotay, we need to talk."

He grimaced. " I know. I'm sorry. I've tried to think of at least a dozen ways to apologize but there isn't any."

She broke in mildly before he could say anything more. "That's not necessary. But we need to - oh hell." If anything, her voice sounded more resigned than angry. She paused, and finally commented, "You're beating yourself up over this, aren't you?"

He didn't say anything.

"You *are*." Her tone was that of mild exasperation. It was confusing. It was even more confusing when she put her hand on his arm, forcing him to look at her, and he saw that her expression was composed of nothing more than concern. She finally said, "You've got to stop or we're never going to get this straightened out. Look, you're the one who pointed out that we're too old for dramatics and that we need to talk about this attraction openly."

He looked away again. " I seem to be good at pointing out a lot of things lately that have no -"

She interrupted. "You have got to stop this. This conversation is going to be difficult enough without adding unfounded guilt into the equation. Chakotay, look at it rationally. So, hormones at 40 aren't as controllable as we thought. But look at the situation. The whole thing reads like a bad holonovel. Adrenaline and fear are powerful emotional conduits. And the likelihood that we would both be on a planet, at the same time, under those conditions - it's almost like someone's idea of a cosmic joke." She shrugged and shook her head, ironically. " It was someone's idea of a joke. We just don't know who right now. It was a deliberate attempt to attack subversively."

He turned away from her questioning glance. "Kathryn, I don't understand you. You have every right to be blazingly angry. You'd told me you weren't ready to escalate what was between us. And I told you I could handle that. And then ..."

"Chakotay, listen to me. We're both responsible for what happened on Ginn's planet. It was a consensual act."

He shook his head. "I understand what you're trying to say but the facts aren't..."

She was clearly exasperated. She took her hand off of his arm, and crossed her own. "It is unbelievable that you have managed to survive to 40 odd years without being murdered. Let me try again. Slowly, this time. Listen. I didn't quit being Kathryn Janeway just because we landed on a planet, got stuck in a storm, survived it and then decided to have sex. You didn't manipulate anything. I *did* make a choice. And if I had chosen differently, nothing you could have done would have changed it. It wasn't force, and you didn't take advantage of the situation without my agreement. I would *never* let that happen to either of us. Got it?"

He smiled, finally believing her and tremendously relieved. "Got it. Thank you for telling me."

She smiled back. "You're welcome. I was beginning to worry that you'd left your sense of perspective down on the planet." She looked at him carefully. "You know, you look terrible. When's the last time you got a decent night's sleep?"

He shrugged. "About a week ago. It's been busy."

She sighed, and got up, and went to the replicator. When she returned, she put a cup of Risan tea in front of him. "Not that busy. Drink that. It'll help. I'm sorry I've left this for so long. I wanted to be sure about what I had to say."

He took a sip of the tea. "It's all right."

She leaned back into the couch again, drinking her coffee. "Actually it's not. We do have a problem."

He waited, saying nothing. He had no idea where she was taking the conversation. It was better to just let her get it all out.

She continued. "I think I better be very clear about this. Our actions on the planet affected no one but ourselves. And, really, the only other alternative was to look at that storm and freeze. There was nothing else to be done; no decisions to make. They'd already been made. We made the choice to escalate the connection between us a long time ago. Consummating that wasn't a surprise, and it wasn't accidental, no matter what the circumstances. It was a logical outcome of what had been going on for a while. But that doesn't change the fact that we did lose control. That can't happen again."

He didn't want to chance another misinterpretation. The last one had kept him up for days. "I don't understand."

"The problem isn't that we decided to have sex, but it in the way we chose to do it. The time, the place, the situation were totally unplanned. Even though we made a choice, it was momentarily done, without discussion or understanding."

He must still have looked confused because she tried to clarify her thoughts. "Chakotay, it's clear that there's more going on between us than what constitutes a single sexual encounter. That would have been easy; we'd both have been able to get past it almost immediately, with a few apologies and some distance. But this is different, and it is affecting how we interact. You've been losing sleep over it and walking on eggshells around me all week, and I suppose I haven't exactly been the most forthcoming person on the ship lately."

She continued. "We've been out of control and irresponsible in letting the attraction between us escalate gradually without a clear discussion or understanding of where it might lead, and what we can live with. I think *I'm* responsible for that. You have tried to talk to me about it. "

When it was apparent she had nothing more to say, he ventured a comment. "You *have* set limits on this. I just kept agreeing and then kept pushing you every way I could think of."

She rejected the thought. "Chakotay, you don't get to have all the blame. I haven't been passive in this. I've known perfectly well what was happening, and just chose to ignore the issues. But we can't do that anymore. We need to have a discussion about this and work out a real agreement on what is and isn't possible. And we need to set limits."

He didn't like the sound of that, but he was hardly in a position to argue. Whatever justifications she made, he still knew, personally, what had happened to him on Ginn's planet was that he had been out of control. He didn't like the thought. He waited to hear where she was going to take the conversation next.

"I have a proposal."

"I thought you might." He thought, cynically, that 67 years of cold showers was a very long time .

"What?"

"Nothing. Go ahead."

"We're friends." He nodded, and she continued. "And the circumstances are unusual to say the least."

He had to agree with that. He gestured for her to go on.

Her tone was calm, almost musing, when she spoke again. "As you've pointed out, there's been a physical attraction between us for a long time now, and spending so much time together because of Kolopac has enhanced that. We're in the middle of nowhere... and seventy years is a very long time. The command isolation, and the danger every day doesn't help. Celibacy is unlikely under the circumstances. Situations like Ginn's planet are going to come up again. We need to control them, not let them control us."

He stared at the desert painting across from the couch. So far, all she'd done was review what they'd been through before. "Kathryn, maybe you should just get to the point. What do you suggest?"

She said, mildly, "I think we should have an affair."

He stopped cold, and turned to look at her again, unable to believe he'd heard her correctly. "What? I - uhhhh, maybe you better define that for me." He couldn't believe it. He was actually asking her to define parameters.

"We're already friends, and companions, and we both seem to need the connection and the closeness. And, well, let's just say you were right about your predictions on the sex."

"But -"

"But that's as far as it can go. I'm asking for discretion and maturity. I can't make an affair public. I'll stop it immediately if I hear anything that might indicate otherwise."

She paused and then continued. " I don't expect a commitment from you but I do expect honesty . I need to know if the situation changes, or you change your mind. And I need a guarantee that we can come out of this as friends, regardless of what happens. I can't offer anything else, I can't ever commit to anything permanent. But I can offer honesty and discretion in return."

He didn't say anything; he wasn't sure he a had a voice anyway. She sounded clinical and absolutely rational and scientific, sitting there suggesting an affair. And she expected him to understand that it was for convenience, and to be uncommitted and temporary. Discreet, mature, and rational. They were to be friends, and colleagues. The affair was a way to assuage physical needs and to keep them from losing control again. And she was telling him, bluntly, that that was all she would ever be prepared to offer.

And it was all she would ever offer. And the universe knew, as he did, that he needed her in his life. But discretion, maturity, rational behavior - none of them were inherent parts of his personality. He'd left the tribe for Starfleet, left Starfleet for the Maquis. Quick action based on instinct was what had saved his life innumerable times and got him into the worst places in his life at others. He suddenly knew, with a clarity of self-knowledge that came only a few times in a lifetime, that he was going to do it again. He was going to chance that he could live with her parameters.

She must see he was a risk. Age didn't alter character, at least not that he could see. Even tempered with years of experience, he was still mercurial, and spontaneous, often irrational. But she knew him, knew his record, even knew his personal life. He had to trust that she understood her own risks, and that he could live with the consequences of his own actions.

He'd clearly been silent too long, because she broke stillness that had settled over them. "Chakotay?"

"I can live with it."

Her searching expression made it clear she wasn't sure she believed him. "Can you? I need you to be very very sure. I don't want you to end up hurt by this. This time it's real, Chakotay. There aren't going to be any new limits. I can't and I won't be able to change about this."

He thought about that very carefully. Before her "crawling" celebration, he might have argued, might have questioned her attitude about limits, might have pushed her to admit to the possibility that some day there might be something more between them. He might even have argued with her belief that she could control the future and set conditions on their relationship. But he knew now he had no right to argue or to expect anything more.

In the end, he didn't say anything. He stood up and held out his hand. She looked up at him seriously, and then grabbed his hand and stood up herself. She looked down at their hands. "You should get some sleep."

He smiled. "That can wait."

He took her to bed, and took her until they were both out their minds with the pleasure of it. Nothing else was said. In the morning, she was gone. If it hadn't been for her scent, still lingering on his body, and the unwieldy display of the bedclothes, he'd have believed he'd imagined it all. But he knew his imagination wasn't that good. And with that, he knew he was in trouble, but he'd agreed to her conditions and he had to learn to live with them.

Section 2

For the next three weeks, Chakotay wavered between feeling like either the most exasperated or contented man in the quadrant. The unknowns still hadn't shown up, which was good or bad depending on how you looked at it, and Kathryn Janeway was both driving him slowly insane and making him incredibly happy.

Kathryn and he reestablished a schedule for taking care of Kolopac in the early evenings. They showed up with him separately in situations where crew would be around in an effort to be discrete. But she'd given up any pretense of a separate schedule in late evenings after the first week. Unless meetings intervened, she spent the time with them both.

The contented piece of him was definitely contented. Though he doubted she actually thought of it that way, Kathryn had moved into his quarters. And when they were alone, she was responsive, brilliant, beautiful, charming and absolutely focused on Kolopac and him. The nights, even many of the evenings, were more than he'd ever thought he'd have in his life, and more than he'd ever imagined. The challenge was to even make it out of his quarters after shift to do the necessary circulating she thought was important. It was difficult, and occasionally, they failed at it. He didn't object to that kind of failure in the slightest. Unfortunately, Kathryn did.

It wasn't the only thing she objected to, and that was what was exasperating. Separately, he would have thought of each incident as detail of little concern. Together, the picture was disturbing him.

He remembered the first time he'd realized something was clearly wrong. It had been about a week after they'd started the affair. They had been sitting together in the Mess Hall with Kolopac, and the child had managed, once again, to pull down a piece of her hair . Without even thinking about it, he'd instinctively reached over and moved it across her shoulder out of Kolopac's way, then rubbed his hand over the side of her face in a sight caress. She hadn't said a word, but he could tell she was furious with him. He supposed she was right; it was an intimate gesture, hardly one of a man who was simply her friend or colleague. But he doubted that anyone had noticed. Still, she'd retreated back to her own quarters for the next two days.

He tried to remember to keep his distance in public after that, but he'd blown it a number of times. The incidents were usually when he wasn't paying attention. He'd put his hand on her waist to guide her in Sandrines, or catch himself standing too close to be considered correct protocol. Each time he blew it, she'd pull back for a while, and then eventually forgive him.

He'd be angry about it except that he'd agreed to keep the arrangement quiet in public so he had no right to complain. He didn't want to disrupt what they had. He also hoped that once she got used to the idea of something between them she'd loosen up on the "details." So far, the latter strategy wasn't working at all.

The most difficult piece for him to accept wasn't the distance she insisted on in public, but the barriers she'd set up to control what occurred between them privately. The one that was most obvious to him lately was that she was never there in the morning. It had taken him a while to realize that it was deliberate, and a pattern. She was never there when he and Kolopac woke up.

And he was worried about her attitude about the unknowns. The longer they went without seeing any sign of the aliens, the more intense she became about the problem. It didn't make any sense to him. For all they knew, they might never see the species again. He was thinking about the latter problem one night when he walked into his quarters with Kolopac.

Kathryn was at his terminal, working. She looked up when he entered. "How was the gym?"

He smiled. "The usual. Most of Security and a smattering of Ops. We're going to have to get into something soon, or I swear most of Tuvok's team is going to do some damage from the workouts. What are you up to?"

She looked back at the terminal. "Reviewing strategy."

He put Kolopac into his crib, now out in the main room, and went into the bedroom , returning in casual clothes. He got her a glass of wine and one for himself. "Strategy for what?"

She accepted the glass, still looking at the terminal. "Hmmm... oh, tactical. I like to review some of the classics , and not so classics, to be sure it's all readily available mentally if I need it."

He knew the reason for the review. "Sounds like you're planning for the next unknowns encounter."

"It's just a matter of time. No one strikes outright once, then subversively, and then just gives up. It doesn't make sense."

Her certainty bothered him. He tried to reason with her. "Kathryn, it's been nearly a month. For all we know we could be out of their space by now. You've had the ship on yellow alert all that time and Security has reworked the alerts so many times I suspect that's why they're in the gym taking out their aggression. Can't you let it go, even if it's just for tonight?"

"No. They're out there. I know it."

He sighed, gave it up, and ventured a joke. He wasn't going to get anywhere with the discussion. "Well, thank the universe it's that kind of strategy."

She looked up in confusion.

"I thought it might be something I had to be worried about personally." He gave into her continued interest in work, sat down on the arm of the chair, and looked at the data. "Hmmm... I think that's 'Markov's proposition.' He tried it at Gamma 5. Failed. Of course, he wasn't watching his tail. Stupid."

"Yes, wasn't it? Amazing that man got a commission."

She pulled up another scenario. He looked at the new configuration, beginning to get interested himself. " That one's tougher. But still, it's Karye's stand at Losloff. It was a decent strategy. He was just outgunned in the end. He expected the Hannover to back him but she'd been damaged. You know that one is interesting... if he'd just moved five minutes earlier, it would have worked."

"I've always thought that too, but it's not the textbook prediction."

"Still, it's true."

She looked back at him, curious. "How do you know?"

He shrugged." I had to use it once in the CDMZ. There were no other options." He thought about the encounter, and smiled. "It was a long time ago. Show me some more."

She brought up the next strategy. He commented, after looking at the specs for a while, "Now that's interesting; I haven't seen it in a long time. I'd almost forgotten about it. Jemson's firewall. He was up against unbelievable odds, 5 to 1, and outgunned as well. It really was a classic maneuver. They needed - to make it work, though. Jemson must have had a terrific science team."

Janeway replied. "Actually, Sulu figured out the basics of the science years before at -. This was just an enhancement . Jemson had it nearly right, but there's a flaw in his strategy. He was lucky."

"Yeah, if there'd been a 'reserve' ship hiding from the other side, he'd have never have made it."

"Exactly."

They ran through a number of scenarios over the next hour, throwing critiques and comments at each other throughout.

Finally, Janeway stopped and looked up at him. "Chakotay, I've been developing this database for years. It's a file I set up when I started command. The first ones are standard. But the rest are pretty unusual. I know them, but I pulled them together. How are you familiar with them?"

He was surprised at the question. " I did do more than just conn to get into command track, Kathryn. I may be 'engineering challenged' as B'Elanna might say, but tactical strategy has always been a particular interest of mine. And once I see a scenario, I just seem to remember it. Always have." He laughed. "It's probably the only thing that saved my ass in the Maquis, in the end."

She commented, musingly, "It's not in your Starfleet record. Although there was some mention about 'unbelievable luck' in the analysis of your Maquis activity. There wasn't enough data about your ship's specs to do more than speculate on the reason, though."

He thought about the past. "Well, the Starfleet part depends on when, I suppose. It's in my record from the Academy from Cioggi, Allison, some others. But there's not much later. It's not exactly the kind of knowledge you willingly share with COs."

He laughed, mocking himself. "Excuse me Captain, but did you know that that was a Killingan loop - and that you failed to catch the last part because you ordered the turn too soon?" Not good policy. Although when things got bad enough on the Einstein, I did make a few 'polite suggestions as the new Ensign'. Unbelievable gall on my part, but I was young. To give Keenan credit, he never seemed to mind; he even recommended me for lieutenant commander based on some of the incidents. He didn't generalize, so it wouldn't have shown up in the record as a pattern. Hanson, on the other hand, on the Hiko, resented any and all interference, so unless it was clear it was suicide, I stayed out of it."

"I see." She smiled. "What about on the Voyager?"

"Never had a reason to mention any other options, yet. The CO seems to have a definite flair for strategy - in more ways than one."

He leaned down to kiss her, taking advantage of her distraction. " You know, it's getting late and we both have early morning meetings."

She shook her head, but acquiesced. "Let me get this shut down."

"Leave it. I'll take care of it tomorrow." He pulled her up and towards his sleeping quarters. "You really are beautiful, Kathryn."

"Glad you approve, Commander."

Much later, she began to get up and leave. He was awake, he'd been awake nearly every night when she'd left. But he'd never mentioned it before. He shouldn't now, but it seemed to be his night for questioning barriers. "Why don't you just stay?"

She sat back down on the side of the bed. "I can't."

He pulled himself up, resting on his elbows. "Kathryn, it makes no sense. You're comfortable here. It's just between us. We're both tired. I want to hold you. Stay with me."

"We agreed to the general conditions of this. This is a specific. I can't stay; not now; not ever. Please don't ask again."

He looked away from her. "I see."

"Chakotay -"

"It's all right. I understand."

" I hope so. Good night." She looked at him, searching his face. He maintained what he hoped was a reasonably impassive expression. She finally left for her quarters. He knew better than to ever ask again.

Section 3

After a night of little sleep and a long day of problem solving, Chakotay finally walked into Janeway's Ready Room for an end of shift discussion and found her on the floor with Kolopac. She had the child standing, balancing on his feet while she held him up.

He was suddenly furious. "What are you doing, Captain?"

She kept her eyes on Kolopac and smiled, failing to note his anger. "Giving Kolopac a little practice. He was early to crawl, so I expect he'll be early to walk. I thought if we let him know what's next in the agenda -"

"No." He tried to control himself. If he said anything more, he was going to explode.

Janeway continued to look at Kolopac, who was still balanced precariously on his toes. "Chakotay, most of what I've read says you need to help them practice, the earlier the better." She smiled at the child. "Look at him handle that. He's nearly on his feet."

He was so angry he only barely managed to get his next words out. "I said no, Kathryn. I meant it." He bent down and took the child from her arms, ignoring her surprise, and then walked to the viewscreen, looking out. "He'll learn in his own way, and he'll do it when he's ready. I will not allow you to establish impossible expectations for my son."

There was complete silence. He took deep breaths trying to calm down, appalled at what he'd said and the unjust nature of the accusation. He turned around and looked back at her. She was still sitting on the floor, staring at him, still silent. He tried to apologize. "I'm sorry. That was uncalled for and out of line."

"This isn't about Kolopac, is it ? " She stood up and walked over to him, still staring.

He turned away from her questioning expression, refusing to ask himself what had generated his explosion. He finally said the first thing that came into his mind. "You've had the ship on yellow alert for over a month. It's wearing on the crew. It's wearing on me. Voyager can maintain readiness without the constant stress. Everyone's tired, Captain. If we stay at this state of readiness much longer, the crew will be exhausted if the unknowns do show. The longer we move safely through space, the less likely they'll reappear."

He asked what had been disturbing him for weeks. "What makes you so certain they'll come after us?"

Janeway didn't reply at first. He looked out at the stars, now angry at himself for his impossible outburst. When she did respond, he was surprised at the answer. "It's what I would do if I decided to go hunting."

He supposed, later, that it was a predictable irony of the Delta quadrant that Tuvok broke the silence at that exact moment announcing the arrival of two of the unknowns ships. Of course, there were no lifesigns.

For three days, the unknowns shadowed them, copying every move Voyager made. They stayed just out of firing range. Janeway hailed them repeatedly, without result. When she turned and confronted them, they backed away, breaking off, only to return again when Voyager resumed her course. They were clearly waiting for reinforcements; it was only a matter of time until they'd engage the ship.

The impasse finally broke when Chakotay was on the Bridge. Janeway and he had split the rotations, each on a twelve hour shift. There was nothing to do except watch and wait, and prepare for the attack. He was staring at the view screen when he saw it. "Tuvok..."

"Acknowledged, Commander. The readings are coming in now. It is not apparent whether the irregularities are ships or normal fluctuations due to the nebula we are approaching.

"Let's assume the worst. Shields up, red alert. Captain to the Bridge. Tuvok, with those readings, there must be a lot of them."

Tuvok broke in. " Scans verify that there are an additional four ships, approaching at warp 8. No lifesigns."

He damned the aliens silently. Janeway wasn't going to like the last piece. He didn't like it himself. But for the last three days, he'd reviewed every maneuver he could remember of ships that were outgunned and had managed to survive the encounter. He was ready, remotes or not. "Harry, take a reading on the composition of the cloud. Look for -."

When Janeway arrived, he looked over at her and reported. "Four on the way. Warp 8. No lifesigns."

She shook her head, and bit her lower lip, annoyed at the last piece of information.

Kim broke the silence. "Commander, the nebula does contain -"

Janeway scanned the tactical report and then looked over at him again. "All right, I agree. We go with Jameson."

Chakotay smiled and kept his eyes focused on the displays.

She turned to Paris. "Set a course for the nebula, Tom, at 8.9. But wobble."

"Captain?"

"I want the ship to look like she's barely managing 8.9, undergoing significant stress. Stay out of the line of fire if you can."

"Understood, Captain."

"Commander, set up the probable line of trajectory, targeting the highest level of density of - in the cloud and send it across the boards. "

He made the calculations and sent them to the Bridge command stations. "Captain, if there is a reserve ship, I predict it will come out of the 'ceiling', above the box they're putting us in."

"I agree. Add it to the calculation. Let's assume it's there."

Paris commented, "Captain, they're closing, I can't keep them at bay much longer at this speed."

"Understood. Hold on. Keep moving to the target site. I want them right on our tail when we get there."

Janeway reviewed the data he'd sent to each of her senior officers. "Tuvok, Kim - prepare to implement . Paris -warp 9. Now. Expect another ship - predicted at mark 5.465."

She waited. When they were directly on top of the nebula, she commanded the maneuver.

Tuvok fired phasers into the nebula. A firewall of immense magnitude exploded from the cloud. Paris flipped the ship moments after, and maneuvered through a gap that had been created in the firewall . The six unknown ships, unable to stop, crashed into the wall and exploded.

The "reserve" ship came out of hiding, breaking through the firewall. Paris lurched the ship from it's targeted course, moving it directly down and out of the firing range of the last vessel.

"Hail them." Janeway had barely given the order when the alien ship exploded. "Report. "

Tuvok responded. " They deliberately blew the warp core, Captain. It was a suicide."

Janeway negated the comment. "It was a remote. They were all remotes. The unknowns blew it up to keep us from learning anything useful. I know they're out there. There has to be another ship out there. Look for it."

She kept the Alpha team scanning for six hours. There was nothing there. Chakotay finally forced her to acknowledge it. "Captain, the parent ship's not here, or if it is, we're not going to find it. I recommend we scan the debris. Perhaps there's something useful."

She glared at him, and then shook her head, resigned. She got up. " Do it. Commander, you have the Bridge. I need to retrieve Kolopac from Dalby - he was the only one in the lift when we went to red alert. Send the data to the 6th floor Ready Room as it comes in."

He breathed a sigh of relief. "Aye, Captain. Stand down red alert, but maintain shields at maximum."

They spent the next six hours searching the debris scattered throughout the nebula, hoping to find something that would give them a lead on the unknowns origins. They finally found a piece big enough to merit evaluation. He had it beamed to Cargo Bay 2 and put Engineering on it to figure out the components. After three days of no sleep, his vision was beginning to blur. He left Tuvok in charge, Vulcan stamina showing little sign of stress, and left to locate Kolopac and the Captain. He had a lot of apologizing to do.

He found them asleep in his bed. Janeway was lying with her arms wrapped around his child, both of them secure and safe. The child's head was tucked up against her chin, his thumb in his mouth. Her hair was down around him. He felt the image sear into his memory and realized, suddenly, that he wanted nothing more from the universe than the right to care for and protect both of them, and to feel this way every day of his life. The thought left him appalled, and breathless, and with that, he knew he'd failed. He'd been wrong about all of it. He hadn't been angry at her because of Kolopac or the unknowns. He was the one who wasn't going to be able to live up to her expectations.

He stood at the doorway, unable to move. A part of him wanted to lay down beside them, to hold them both. A part of him wanted to run, to escape the image, and his emotions. It was far too complex to work through. The adrenaline in his veins seemed to recede, leaving nothing but a bone-tired weariness.

In the end, unable to reconcile desire and need with reason, he simply sat down on the chair beside the bed and watched them sleep; watched over them both. He'd expected that physical exhaustion would take its toll on him as well, but his mind was too active. He sat there in the dark, watching them, with a thousand scenarios of the present and the future running though his mind. He started when she awoke and looked at him. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"Chakotay ?" Her voice, her eyes, were searching for an answer to an unasked question. He could feel her uncertainty, still hidden under a veneer of long learned control, but somehow apparent to him. But how to reconcile it? How could he explain his now acknowledged, finally admitted emotions about her? How could he tell her his feelings for his son, for the child he never wanted and she nurtured, held in her arms? How was he going to let her know of his failure to live up to what she'd asked? It was too difficult to even begin.

She turned away. "I can't believe I fell asleep. Kolopac was crying. I just meant to calm him down. What's the status?"

He turned away as well. "We found a piece. Engineering's running over it now. No sign of any more company. I left Tuvok in charge. He'll contact us at any sign of irregularity. It's a waiting game." He paused. "Kathryn, I'm sorry. You were right. I can't do this any -"

She said quickly, " It's all right, Chakotay. You were right to worry. I was pushing the crew too hard, logically. I don't know how I know what the unknowns are going to do, but I just do. Let's forget about it."

He stared at her, stunned. And then he remembered the argument.

She misunderstood his expression. "*I'm* sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep here - to intrude. I'll -"

He interrupted, unwilling to let her leave. "You can't possibly intrude. You belong here." He was appalled even as he said the words. He didn't know what idiocy in his makeup had made him blurt them out. He must be incredibly tired. Or tired of holding his emotions in check for so long.

She held out her hand to him, silent, but her eyes seemed to convey what he wanted to believe. He took her hand, fell into the bed, and held them both until exhaustion overtook them all. He thought, fleetingly, as sleep claimed him, that he'd never felt more content and at peace in his life. But she was still gone in the morning when he woke up, and with that, he knew he'd imagined it all, seeing only what he hoped to see.

Section 4

The irony was that the more Chakotay acknowledged to himself how he felt about Kathryn, the more deeply he disagreed with her decisions. He reviewed the problem. The one positive piece was that personal and professional issues were still separate in his mind, distinguishable from each other. He smiled at the thought and amended it. The real irony was that that was unnecessary. He thought the Captain was wrong on both counts. He kept silent about all of it, trying to maintain a precarious balance. He was losing the battle.

Harry and B'Elanna had managed to ferret out a star chart from the debris of the last ship. There were coordinates for a planet and for what looked like the boundaries of the alien's space. If the findings were accurate, Voyager had entered alien space two months ago and the only way to go around meant the loss of a month of time in their journey. But the planet was directly in front of them, another two weeks away. To stay on course seemed to him to court unnecessary risk and possible disaster. Janeway disagreed.

They sent out a long range probe to investigate the planet. It came back with a report of incomprehensible devastation. There was no life; it had been bombed to ruins.

Janeway stayed on course.

He needed, badly, to understand her approach to the problem. Since they'd connected because of Kolopac, command decisions had seemed to flow easily between them. This was the first real rough spot they'd been through. He didn't like it. It wasn't that he was unwilling to confront her; that was his job, after all. His problem was that he wished he didn't have to.

He finally decided to question her directly at their end-of-shift review, but she beat him to the set up. At 1500 that day, she called him into the Ready Room. She was standing by the replicator when he walked in.

"Have a seat, Chakotay. Coffee?" She motioned towards the couch. He sat down, accepted the coffee, and waited for her to begin. He hadn't expected the informal setting she'd put together.

Janeway sat down next to him. "Commander, I owe you an explanation. "

He took a sip of coffee, surprised. He said, carefully, "You don't owe me anything, Captain, but I would like to understand what you're thinking."

She responded. "And I'd like to know I have your complete cooperation."

He shook his head, irritated that she would question him on that, but she interrupted. "You have every right to be worried about this. And I know you are. It's the XO's prerogative to question the strategy of command decisions prior to engaging the enemy." She looked at him, ironically. "Reg. 387, if I remember correctly."

She turned away. "Seriously, the fact that you haven't brought it up yet is reason enough for me to know that you're very worried."

He stayed silent, waiting. She continued. "You're right, of course. To take the ship into clearly dangerous territory, for only a month's advantage in a journey of 67 years, is illogical, fool hardy, and possibly even a court-martial offense in the Alpha quadrant. It's not even typical of my command strategy in the Delta quadrant. I've been willing to adjust course, in situations with the Kazons and others, to avoid challenges before."

He looked at her carefully. "Yes, you have."

She shrugged. "Of course, this situation is even more questionable. For all we know, the unknowns could be responsible for the destruction of the planet and we're headed into a trap."

"There is that possibility."

She looked back at him seriously. "You don't believe that any more than I do."

He took a drink of the coffee. "Of course not."

She smiled. "Of course not. Chakotay, the data from the probe is sketchy, but the radiation levels around the planet indicate that the destruction probably occurred close to a hundred years ago. If the unknowns were responsible, we'd see some sign of activity from them as conquerors. There's nothing."

He knew all of that. He added the rest of the logic. "The firepower necessary to cause destruction of that magnitude isn't consistent with the firepower that's been directed at Voyager. Even if the planet's destroyers had left a defense force, it would have been larger than what's been sent out against us and more powerful. So, it follows that whoever has been attacking Voyager did not destroy the planet."

She shook her head in the affirmative. "Exactly."

He continued, "The most likely explanation is that the remotes are left over from the planet's original defense system."

She took a sip of her coffee. "I agree."

He turned to her and commented, exasperated, "All of which means we ought to get out of this space, Captain. We don't know how many of those automated monsters are left, but the likelihood is that as we get closer to the planet, we'll run into them with increasing frequency. It's an unnecessary risk."

She said, calmly, "I agree that we'll engage them again. It's inevitable."

"Then let's get ..."

"I'm not done, Chakotay. What I don't agree with is the idea that the remotes have been abandoned, or that they're operating on their own. There's something controlling them; there's a malevolence behind the attacks. I can feel it. It's there."

He stared at her, confused. "How do you know that?"

He watched Janeway consider the question. She finally shook her head. "There's nothing I can point to specifically. But think about it. When the planet was destroyed, the ships should have turned into relics, adrift in space without orders. Instead, they're operating with incredible efficiency. Someone has to have fixed them."

"Captain, they could have been programmed to operate without any connections to the homeworld. We haven't been able to dissect a large enough chunk of one to understand the technology."

She got up and began to pace the room. "No. The strategy's too good, Chakotay. The last two attacks were too well designed. They were intelligent and coordinated. No technology's that good; especially not a hundred year old unrepaired technology. Someone is controlling them. Someone's running the remotes. Someone's out there."

He considered the plausibility of her hypothesis. "All right. Let's assume that it's possible someone is orchestrating the attacks. That's all the more reason to get out of this space. If some scavengers have come to pick the bones, they aren't going to want us hanging around."

She rejected his supposition. "They're not scavengers. There's nothing on that planet worth attacking us for. No. The only logical conclusion is that someone's targeting us deliberately. They've gone to the trouble of three separate attacks. They're not going to stop now, whatever course we take. And they're evil, Chakotay, and they're malevolent. We have to stop them. The only way to do that is to understand what's on that planet. The attacks and the planet's destruction are connected, and we have to learn why."

He stared at her. "That's where we disagree, Captain. We don't need to know any of that, we just need to get past this area of space. I can live, and will probably live a lot longer, if I never meet an unknown again."

He tried again. "Captain, it's interesting, but your theory is just that - theory. You have no proof for any of it. The safest course is to get out of the way, as fast as possible. Why are you so sure anyone's out there?"

He paused, and then took the risk. "There's something you're not admitting. I need to understand. I need the truth about this."

She finally sat down next to him, and grabbed his hand. "The truth? It's a hell of a thing to ask, Chakotay, but I suppose you deserve an answer. It's a gut instinct."

She paused and then said it again more firmly. " I have a gut instinct about this. I can't explain, but I *know* someone's out there, planning and watching. And my gut tells me that if we run, they'll follow; and if we run, we'll die. They're probably waiting at the boarders of the space, prepared to take us down, having predicted that that's what we'll do. It's what I'd do if I wanted to take someone out. So, we have to change the rules of the game. We have to do the unexpected. We have to go to the planet. Can you live with that?"

He thought about it. "Yes. I can. I understand it; I've ordered missions because of gut instincts myself."

She looked at him questioningly. "But-"

"But I wish my gut was in agreement with yours on this one." He put down the coffee cup. "All right, let's take this one step farther. You may be right. We may get to the planet and find the aliens responsible for the attack, and do something about them. I assume you have plan for that."

She shrugged. He shook his head and sighed. "All right, so we'll play it as it comes." His mind started running through scenarios, calculating the probable problems and tactical options they had. He stayed silent, and finally gave it up. "There's too many variables. You're right. We'll have to play it out when we get there."

He continued, " But I may be right as well. There may be nothing there. The probe didn't find anything and my view's actually the most likely scenario. So here's the question. If there's nothing on the planet we can identify, will you leave this space as fast as possible?"

She looked away, saying nothing. The silence unnerved him. Finally, she commented, "I'll make that decision when we see what's there."

He'd been afraid she was going to argue the point. He'd been right. He tried again. " We don't need to stop them, and we don't need to know who they are. We just need to get through this space. You can't control all of it, Captain. Sometimes, we'll never know the end of a story."

She looked back at him, her expression serious. "Not until we get there, Chakotay. I won't make the choice until then. But if your scenario comes to pass, I promise I will seriously consider your recommendation. Are we agreed?"

He stood up, looked away for a moment, and then turned and shook his head in the affirmative. He didn't like what she had planned. But the situation was better than when he'd walked in the door to the Ready Room. At least now he understood and could accept her reasoning. It was a resolution of sorts. He felt better for the discussion.

Section 5

Even though he'd been able to reconcile some of his professional concerns about the Captain's decisions, Chakotay saw no such resolution on the horizon in their personal relationship. Their interactions were disjointed and unbalanced. His knew his behavior was erratic; his mood unpredictable. He'd leave for long periods of time in the early evening only to return later, unable to stay away. He stayed silent, afraid whatever he said would be the wrong thing to say. He started turning out the lights at night, so she couldn't see what was in his eyes and he didn't have to recognize what was missing from hers.

Kathryn didn't seem to notice any of it.

He caught himself scrutinizing her movements, looking for anything that might indicate she'd changed her mind. And he found himself trying to prove to her, silently, that their connection was irrevocable and absolute. He knew his actions were clearly disastrous, but he couldn't seem to stop. He wanted permanence, a commitment, a lifelong partnership. Kathryn had taught him to think about the future again because of Kolopac. Now he wanted more. He wanted a future for them all, together. And he knew she'd never agree.

It was a discussion he was going to lose, and it was a discussion that was inevitable. He felt like he was in the Maquis again.

The inevitable happened five days later, after he and Kolopac had come back from a typical stint in the gym. While he exercised, Kolopac was adorized. The crew was very good at taking care of the child. It was soothing. Whatever else might happen, he knew that Kolopac would make his way.

He could tell Janeway was angry when he walked in the door of his quarters. She ignored his greeting, and gestured towards the terminal in front of her. "What is this?"

He looked down at the program she was analyzing, and damned himself for leaving it anywhere that she could find it.

He said, as calmly as he could, " That? It's nothing important; just something I work on occasionally. As Kolopac gets older, he's going to need more room. It's a schematic of our quarters."

He tried to divert her. "How did you find it?" He reached around her to delete the file before she could realize precisely how he had set up the design.

She'd already figured out the design. "Chakotay, I won't live with you and I won't let you even think about redesigning my quarters. You agreed to discretion."

He looked down at Kolopac, avoiding her gaze, dreading the conversation to come. He tried to keep his tone matter of fact. "Kathryn, he can't sleep in the living room forever. As he gets older, he's going to need space of his own."

He handed her the child, and turned to the bedroom. "I need to get cleaned up. Why don't you put him down for his nap?"

She wasn't going to let go. It was obvious. "We need to discuss this."

"I'll be back in a while." He walked away, not yet ready to face the discussion. He showered, giving her time to cool down, and giving himself time to prepare for the confrontation ahead. When he returned, she was sitting next to Kolopac's crib, watching the child sleep.

He looked at her carefully. She was calmer, but he didn't like the look of resignation in her eyes. She said, "I know we'll have to do something about room for Kolopac eventually. But your design involved combining my quarters with yours. I can't permit that."

He grimaced, trying to focus on the first part of her statement rather than the implications of the last. "Kathryn, you're the one who told me we need to think about Kolopac's future. What were you planning to do?"

She didn't answer him. Her silence disturbed him more than anything she could have said.

He sat down on the couch and tried to force her to talk to him. "There's barely enough room in here for the three of us now, along with the ready room you've set up. We need the space. Yours is going to waste."

When she finally said something, it was short and to the point. "I can't live with you."

He felt anger pulse through him and then recede, leaving resignation in its wake. But he wasn't going to let her leave it there.

"I know what's missing, but I won't let you deny what *is* between us. And what's real is that you're already living with me."

When she started to disagree, he interrupted. "Look around you. You took over my workstation .. two, no nearly three months ago. Your jacket's laying on the bed in the other room. There are coffee cups and padds all over this room, and your hairbrush is over on the table by the replicator. You're here every evening; you spend the majority of your free time, whatever that means, working here pretending to relax. The proof's here, Kathryn. And you know it. Why are you trying to deny it?"

She didn't answer him again. He watched as she sat silently, her left hand clutching. It wasn't a good sign.

He tried another tactic. "As for the rest, what makes you think the crew doesn't already know? Or that they even care about what we do? Personally, I think over half of them are rooting for us."

She turned back and looked at him. "Hell. What makes you say that?"

He shrugged. "The very *lack* of gossip. There's been nothing. Think about it, Kathryn. We're together a great deal, so much so that the crew expects me to know where you are at any given moment. But there hasn't been a word, an innuendo, a strange look. Nothing. We are being discrete. But so are they. It's almost unheard of on a ship this size."

"How long?"

He sighed, rubbing his hand over his face, suddenly tired of all of it. "I don't know. I don't even know for sure if they've put it together yet, given the situation with Kolopac, but it seems likely."

"I can't do this."

"Why not?"

When she didn't answer him again, he tried to argue what he suspected was the problem. "Kathryn, you wouldn't loose control of anything, not the ship, not command structure, anything, if our relationship became known. They already know, at least in my opinion, and I think they'd be easier with it if it was in the open. Our being together has helped the command situation, not hindered it. Nothing that's happened between us has undermined your authority, or the respect of the crew towards command. It's personal, not professional. We can keep it separate and so can they."

It was the wrong argument.

"I know that. That's never been at issue, Chakotay."

He could hear the apology in her voice when she spoke again. "The point is that I don't want to publicly acknowledge a relationship we both know is temporary."

He felt the words wash over him, jarring and ironic in their stark contrast to what he wanted to hear. He thought he'd prepared himself. He'd been mistaken. He couldn't accept her decision without trying to change her mind.

"Then let's make it permanent. That's what this is really about. I don't care if we keep what's between us quiet or not. The real issue is that you're using the argument about discretion to keep me out, to stop what we do have from getting more serious, and to avoid a commitment. It's not necessary, Kathryn. We can have anything we want, tear down the walls and build anything we want to."

"Chakotay, you agreed to the limits we set on this." As he listened to her, he realized that her calm, regretful tone was far more cutting than her anger would have been.

He stared at her. "I don't understand why you've set them. I want a future where you and Kolopac and I are together. I want to build something permanent between us."

She looked away. "I thought we were both content. What's wrong with what we have now?"

He rubbed his hands over his face trying to put together the words to explain. Then he reached out and grabbed her hands, forcing her to look at him.

"Nothing. Everything. How do I explain? I want to wake up with you, not just once someday because you've accidentally fallen asleep, but with you next to me for the rest of my life. I want to be able to hold you and not worry that you'll pull back the next day. I want to leave the lights on, make love to you, and not call it sex. I want to know you're there, and that you'll let me be there for you, no matter what."

"Kathryn, you've compartmentalized it all. Friendship, a physical relationship, companionship; we have them all but there's no connection together. You won't let there be. Let go of the worry. Let what we have now take us wherever it will, into a future I think we both want. We could have a real partnership and a life together, if you'd just give it a chance."

She pulled her hands away gently. "I can't. I'm sorry, Chakotay. I wish it could be different, but it can't be."

He looked away from her, trying to think through her comment. It was the answer he expected, but he needed more to understand. "Can you at least tell me why? "

She turned, clearly disquieted. "I suppose I owe you that. The only way to control this is to separate... what was the word you used?... to compartmentalize the roles."

"I know that's what you think, but I don't understand why, Kathryn. Tell me. Please."

He could see the determination in her expression as she answered him. "I can't make a commitment knowing it will end soon."

"Why are you so sure it would ?"

" Chakotay, we both know that one of us is going to die out here. You're at 87% probability. I'm nearly there myself. I can't start something under conditions like that. It would be irresponsible."

She grimaced and ran her hand over her temple, looking away. "Check the Starfleet lifespan projections yourself. Being in the Delta quadrant, alone for so long, has nearly doubled the risk for Command."

He couldn't take in the implications of her words. He concentrated on the simple interpretation . "Kathryn, checking the stats is just standard procedure to identify new variables and adjust accordingly. I've run them myself; the numbers themselves don't matter."

She shook her head, and he tried again to explain. " There's no difference between here and the Alpha quadrant. Maybe the stats say the risks are double, but the basic problem's the same. Everyone on a command track knows the uncertainty of being Command before they start." He sat back, thinking, and shrugged. "The lifespan in the Maquis was even more precarious. By those numbers, I'm well past my options."

"Chakotay, you can't ignore the projections. There are two hundred years of calculations from Starfleet encounters in hostile space backing them up. The closest parallel to Voyager's situation was the early exploration in the 22nd century. The only command crew that made it back intact was Kirk's; in fact, his was the only ship that made it back. And they had safe stations to repair along the way."

She was intent on making the point, breaking in before he had a chance to reply. She stood up, pulled him over to the terminal, and then pulled up the files. "The numbers *do* matter. Look at the data. There are over forty different variables; the number of away missions we've led, hostile encounters, and on. I've run the data adjusting variables, god, probably a hundred times. The results are always the same. The truth is we're already bucking the odds." She sighed. "The only variable that makes any difference is who leads the away teams, and even that just changes the probability of which one of us is going to die."

He tried to think beyond the details, into the implications of her comments. "Kathryn, you're using the stats as a talisman, a way to predestine the future, almost as an analogy to fate. Fate isn't a terminal disease. It doesn't chip away each day at a dream. It's your attitude, the choices you make that do that. You choose. Death is just part of the cycle. You can't change it. It happens with everything eventually. What we're talking about isn't death; it's about life. It's about connections, and partnerships, and living. The numbers don't matter."

When she didn't reply, he ventured another question. " I don't understand your fatalism about this. Less than a month ago, you confronted me about not having planned a future for Kolopac. I listened, then. And I learned to agree with you. Now, you're denying us a chance of a future. I don't understand."

She walked back to the child and sat down again, staring at him. "Kolopac may make it back. The odds on the ship getting home aren't terrific, and the longer we're out here the worse they are, but it is possible. He is the future, Chakotay. He's probably the only one either of us have."

He shook his head, still trying to absorb her view. It was clear he couldn't convince her to see the statistics as less than an absolute. But it shouldn't matter to the conversation. "All right, let's say you're correct, that the lifespan projections are accurate. They're still just data, Kathryn. The projections have nothing to do with how we choose to live now."

She looked up at him. "They have everything to do with it. The probability that all of this is temporary impacts how we live on a daily basis. We have to act responsibly knowing what the future will bring. We can't just let the situation develop without thinking of the consequences. We have to change the parameters, and control the outcomes."

He let her continue, listening. "To do what you ask is like starting a relationship with someone with , to use your analogy, a terminal disease; like living with Hitakean hematoma, like watching a cancer grow. You wait, and watch, and expect the blow to fall. And because of that, everyday another piece of what you do have falls apart, physically and emotionally, no matter how hard you try to change it."

She looked away. "I could do it somewhere else, and I'd be willing to try." She looked back at him. "But I can't here, not with Voyager to see to. Not even on a day to day basis. The pieces would dissolve even as we began to build; every day, as another piece connected, another would break beyond repair. I wouldn't be able to concentrate when Voyager needed me. I'd be trying to figure it out."

He damned himself for even starting her off on the comparison, but he had to follow it through. "Even within that analogy, we can do something. We can stop the cancer, recognize the signs and cut out the pieces. So even if you're right about the stats, we could still find ways to live within those parameters, and take each day at a time. We can live within the givens, we can make this work, even if it's just for a time."

She shook her head. "I can't take that chance. We have to change the conditions, and set the parameters ourselves. We can't allow the connection. It would be irresponsible to walk into the emotional implications of a relationship blind, ignoring the ramifications and what they entail. We have to decide what we can tolerate. It's the only rational approach. And I know I can't take the chance of an emotional connection. I have Voyager to look to now and in the aftermath as well. I have to be focused and impartial to do that."

"Damn it, Kathryn, even if the stats are your religion, we can work within the constructs and find a path."

" We have to change the constructs, take action by choosing a different path, and a different direction. I can make the choice, and I'm choosing."

"Machiavellian. But this time you're wrong. You've never been a philosopher. It's not your strong point."

She broke in. "Chakotay, you know I'm right. And it's not just about the present, about what we do each day, it's about the aftermath as well. The loss of a life partner would be at worst, devastating, and at best, distracting. Neither of us could afford that. We need to think clearly if Voyager is going to survive."

He was going to lose her. He could see it now. " It doesn't follow that losing a partner would constitute that much of a risk to who you are now. We've both lost people before and survived. "

She shook her head, but he broke in, determined to make his point." Kathryn, I've read your file. I know about your father and your fiancé, and I know you took a three month leave after the accident. I can't fight ghosts, and I can't change the past. But it's in the past. You're different. You've changed. You were a twenty -three year old ensign when they died. It was well over fifteen years ago."

She walked to Kolopac, still sleeping, and stroked his head. "I know that. And I know what that experience taught me. I haven't forgotten who and what I am. And what I am is a Starfleet Captain, who was at Wolf 459, and who lost half of my command team getting to this quadrant. I know what it takes to get though that. I've lived it. I can't put myself at risk. "

He tried grasping any argument that came to mind. "What about Mark? You took that risk."

"Mark wasn't dangerous - in a- "

"Not dangerous to you; and he wasn't in a dangerous profession. " He sighed. "Never mind, I get the picture. I never thought I'd feel sorry for the guy and I never dreamed I hoped you'd give me a different answer."

He tried to make sense of her comments, to understand her. It clicked, suddenly. He saw the pattern in the scientific distance, the day to day attitude of checking one incident, and only one incident at a time. All captains had to deal with the death of crew. Janeway dealt with it in her own way. She didn't use generalities, or religion, or immerse herself in philosophy to justify her actions. She maintained the distance by compartmentalizing, by not acknowledging or developing connections.

"Kathryn, you can exist, but you can't live like this. 'Control' is a placebo you're lying to yourself about. Please, think about it. Live now, here, with me. Maybe we can buck the odds, even if it's only for a while."

When she stayed silent, he tried again. "Think about what you're saying practically. You've built this wall between us not because you don't care but because you expect me to die in the near future. You don't want to watch it, and you don't think you can deal with the aftermath. It's the coward's way out."

" Call it what you want. The data's there. You can't hide from it. No one can."

" Kathryn, by your calculations, I should have been dead years ago, and none of us would be in the Delta quadrant."

"Not true. There's a very high statistical probability that someone would have landed here. Although Voyager was just random chance. Chakotay, I hold Voyager. I can't take the risk. If we weren't here, I might be willing to try to live with the probabilities. But not under these circumstances, not now."

He shook his head and turned away. "There's no way to get through to you like this. I can't believe you're doing this; throwing away what we could have because of how you might react."

She paused for a long time, not looking at him. "I never expected to have to have this conversation. I thought, you, out of anyone, would understand, given your past and the Maquis."

He felt suddenly bitter. "Is that was this has been about? I was conveniently available with a bad enough past that I wouldn't expect anything more?"

She flinched. "Don't trivialize, Chakotay. You know it's not that simple. I can't do what you ask, that's all."

He looked away as well, finally accepting the inevitable, and felt the anger burn itself out and resignation set in. "No, I know that you can't. I understand why now. You've told me repeatedly, and you've shown me repeatedly, that you don't want a commitment, or any permanence. You've never lied about it; not ever. I get it now. It's just not a choice you want to pursue. I understand, finally. I'm sorry it took me so long."

She sighed. "What happens now?"

He looked back at her, surprised. "You're asking me?"

"The decision's in your court, Chakotay. I can't change about this. I can't offer anything else, not now, not here. You need to decide what you can live with."

He was silent and finally said, "I need some time, Kathryn. I don't have any answers for you right now. "

When she looked up at him, concerned, he grimaced. " Don't worry about it, Kathryn. I'm 'under control'. We've both survived far worse than the possible breakup of an affair. After what we've been though out here, it hardly seems worth getting worked up about."

He sat there, silent, for a long time, then continued." We don't even need to rearrange Kolopac's schedule while I'm working it out. You can still keep him four nights a week; I'll take the rest. It won't affect our working relationship; nothing has really changed there throughout this whole mess."

"I'm sorry, Chakotay. I wish it could be different."

"I know. I understand. I wish I didn't. Then there might be some hope. But I won't bring it up again."

He thought of the irony that something as simple as redesigning the quarters had resulted in an irrevocable barrier between them. He looked at the wall, and realized suddenly that even with everything they'd been through together, he'd only been in her quarters twice, both times when he'd been formally invited. The wall was there, literal, and real. It always had been. She'd been telling him all along and he'd been lying to himself about it. He couldn't believe he'd been so blind.

He stopped the thought. "It's going to take me some time to adjust, a while to pull back and be comfortable. But I'll get there."

"I'd like that." She got up to leave, gathering her brush and sweater with her.

The calm, controlled movements angered him. He couldn't stop himself from saying, "I'm sorry, Kathryn. I can't help loving you. I wish I could. It might make this easier."

He sat down on the couch, his hands between his knees, staring at the wall, watching as she left through the connecting door without breaking stride.

He looked back at his son. The child, Kathryn's vision and his own hope for the future, had slept through it all.

Section 6

Chakotay spent the first hour after Kathryn left wallowing in self pity. That done, which he decided was frankly a relief to finally get over with, he spent the next hour getting a grip, thinking through the problem, and planning.

Point one: Kathryn was correct about the statistics. He should be dead. He was certainly on any hit list of probability that might be out there. He'd always known that. He'd known it when she'd offered him the job of XO; that's what had made the whole situation so ironic at the time. He'd figured that *she'd* figured he wouldn't make it through a year and it was an easy out for her. XO dead. It happened a lot. Then she'd started taking more of the away missions herself. He'd been irritated at the time, attributing her actions to lack of trust, but he realized now that she'd just been trying to even up the odds a bit. He finally understood why she'd done it.

Point two: Kathryn was incorrect in her rationalization of her fatalism. In the Alpha quadrant, he would have caught the signs of battle fatigue earlier. He smiled to himself and corrected the thought; perhaps he would have. The truth was that in his Starfleet positions in the Alpha quadrant, he wouldn't have recognized the signs. It took a stint in the Maquis to understand that kind of stress. The reason he'd missed it in the Delta quadrant was that he'd still been wallowing in it himself.

Technically, they were a bad mix. A Maquis captain tired from fighting impossible odds and a Federation captain with no backup for years facing the unknown everyday should have been a disastrous combination.

And yet, he was probably the only XO in the galaxy who could understand what she was feeling. And she was the only captain who could have helped him trust in the future again. She'd done that for him, whether she wanted to acknowledge it or not. He needed to return the favor. Kathryn had forgotten how to hope. It wasn't surprising, given how long they'd been out there alone.

It also wasn't surprising that she was trying to control her environment; she was tired of facing the unknown day after day. She'd lost her sense of adventure, interest in experimentation and willingness to challenge. She wanted answers, and she wanted to be in control. He sympathized, and at the same time knew it was a disastrous combination for Voyager and for them together. But he understood her emotions. He'd felt them himself in the Maquis. It'd taken Kathryn at her best to help him remember there were other ways of thinking and other options. He needed to help her do the same.

Point three: They'd been playing parisie squares for months now in their personal interactions, maneuvering around each other and working towards what they thought were appropriate goals for the other. She'd had the upper hand initially helping him understand Kolopac and his connection to the child; he'd had it later, with Karpekov and the experiments. They had been learning to help each other then. It wasn't until the aftermath on Ginn's planet that he'd let her take control of what was possible. It was time to reallocate the balance. He owed it to both of them. And this time, he was going to make sure the weight of responsibility was evenly distributed. They had to learn to complement each other and to work and learn together on a personal level. And he was going to make that happen.

The problem, of course, was that Kathryn was unbelievably stubborn. It was going to take a while. He had to plan strategy and prepare for a siege. She'd admitted more to him than she'd realized during the conversation. He smiled, and began planning.

He walked through the connecting door between their quarters, unannounced, an hour later, with Kolopac. He put the child down on the floor, letting him explore the space, and then stood up again.

He could tell Kathryn was startled by the interruption. She was at her desk, but suddenly stopped working. He could see her consider whether to confront him on the invasion, and saw when she decided against it.

She grimaced, and then treated his presence as a casual detail. She looked back at the terminal. "I can't find anything. The Engineering reports must still be on the padd in the ready, well, in your quarters... anyway, I was working on them there earlier today."

He smiled. "They are. I can get them if you need them."

"No. It doesn't matter. I can get them later." She stood up and walked away from the terminal. She bent down to say hello to Kolopac, who was crawling around the floor, exploring delightedly, and then stood up again and walked over to the replicator. "Coffee?"

When he shook his head in the affirmative, she programmed them both a cup and them gestured for him to sit down. "Why are you here, Chakotay? "

He looked at her carefully and got to the point. "I haven't come to long term decision yet, if that's what you're asking."

She walked over to the viewscreen, looking out. " I can't go over this again."

"I know that. Kathryn, I lived for so long in the Maquis I'd forgotten what it felt like to take the Starfleet life projections seriously. I'm sorry about that. I thought you should know."

She looked back at him seriously. "It's not going to change anything."

He shrugged. "I didn't expect it to. Actually, I'm here to discuss a different kind of proposal, or rather, an invitation."

She gestured at him to continue, her expression suspicious, and he smiled. "It's simple, Kathryn. I think we both need some down time, that's all. You once asked me if I wanted to see San Francisco again, and I told you no. But there is one place on Earth I would like to see again."

When she didn't interrupt, he continued. "I think I mentioned it before, a long time ago. I have a holoprogram of the canyons. I thought Kolopac should see it, and thought you might like to come along."

She considered his words, rejecting the apparent superficiality of the request. " This is some sort of Maquis maneuver, isn't it? I'm not playing."

He shook his head. "Neither am I. Kathryn, think about it. We need to get back some normality while I'm figuring this out. Some down time together with Kolopac is a reasonable way to do that. Consider the alternative. We play the dramatic tragedy, interrupting the crew, command protocol, and process while we're tiptoeing around each other. That sounds stupid and impossible."

She sighed. "I'd have to agree with that."

He smiled ironically at her, joking. "What did you expect I'd do? Engage in sixty years of trauma? Not my style. "

She shook her head. "The hell it isn't. You've gotten so used to playing the tragic hero I still don't believe you're serious."

He laughed, amused at the thought. "Believe it. And for what it's worth, you're doing a great job on the tragic hero role yourself - alone against all odds and all that garbage."

She was silent, and finally smiled at him. " I suppose you've got a point there. I've been getting bored with it myself. You swear you're not using this as a way to go over all of it again? "

"Kathryn, it's a simple request. I just want you to come with me to the canyons. We never did get a chance to explore them with everything going on. I'll even make dinner."

She looked at him carefully. What she saw in his expression must have reassured her. "You're on. I could use some 'normal' right now. "

"Finally. Meet me in holodeck 2, twenty minutes. Civilian clothes, but plan for a pretty rough hike. Boots." He got up, retrieved his son, and left through the connecting door before she had a chance to change her mind. The siege had begun.

It was another world, beautiful, wild, and quiet. The scene was a few hours before sunset, and the light in the canyons was crisp and sheer. The shadows created their own abstract paintings on the immense rock walls. The colors of the canyon were deep and distinct. There were streaks of brilliant gold lights where the late afternoon rays still shimmered on the land. On the walls there were deep black crevasses, where shadow had created an early night against the rocks. And the reds and orange of sunset sent an ethereal glow over it all. The canyon was immense, slick rock vying with the sand on the bottom. A small stream with rushing water cut through the center, serving as a lifeline for the orange and gold cottonwoods that perched along the sides, elegantly beautiful in their fall display.

"Chakotay, it's incredible."

He smiled at her enthusiasm. He adjusted Kolopac's position in his backpack and then gestured downstream. "Come on. I want to show you something."

For the next hour, they hopped boulders and shuffled over flat banks of sand. They stopped often to scope out routes through the rock falls. Sometimes they ended up crawling through small spaces, at others, they decided climbing up and over the barrier was the only alternative. All the while, the sun slowly set, spreading a mantle of gold and red color over the land.

The lower part of the canyon was already in darkness when she saw their destination, a perfect ruin, a city created out of rock, in a cavern nearly three hundred feet above them. It was an impenetrable fortress in the wilderness, and yet, a bastion of light, a monument to a humanity, in the growing darkness.

Kathryn was silent, taking in the scene. "This is amazing."

"Yes. I understand. The first time I saw it , it was about this time of night. The colors make it look like it's on fire, like a beacon and a warning. It was brilliant, tactically. They must have known it would put fear into the hearts of the enemy, and yet send a welcoming signal to friends."

He walked over to the edge of the canyon wall. "Come on. We can go up into it. Watch the footing. It's tough, this time of night, as most of the stair is in shadow."

They climbed a shallow hand-hewn ladder cut out of the rock, steps to the ruin that were so unobtrusive that they were difficult to distinguish even when on them. Then they reached the enclave. As they walked through the rooms, he described what life had been like; the purpose of the kivas, the paintings on the walls of rooms, the pottery, storage areas. And he told her about the civilization, and what was known of it's people.

"We need to go down now. The light's leaving, and I've set up camp below."

By the time they reached the campsite, it was completely dark. He lit a fire he'd prepared earlier. " I have dinner planned. Have a rock, and relax." He took Kolopac carefully off of his back, and handed her the child. He found a bottle. "Feed him for me, will you, Kathryn? I need to get dinner going."

As he worked, she sat back against the rock, feeding his son. "He was amazingly good on this trip. The country must agree with him." She looked up night sky. "The stars -

"-are extraordinary. I know. I don't think there's another place on earth that I remember where they were quite so brilliant. But wait until the moon comes out."

The sat there quietly, listening to the fire crackle and the sounds in the distance as he prepared the meal. When Kolopac was finished eating, she set him next to her on some blankets he's prepared and let the child sleep. He glanced away and back at the fire. He could feel her eyes on his back, as he worked, but he ignored her, concentrating on the simple activity of preparing a meal on an open fire.

He finally looked up and over at her. "Dinner's ready. I hope you don't mind, but it's a bit of tradition again. Turkey for you. Personally, I'm having the squash and corn. I've added some spices, but still - it's what you'd be given if you were a visitor."

A full moon rose while they ate in silent companionship. He looked up and saw the display of the light on the rocks. The ruins were bathed in it's glow, an alabaster city shining in the darkness.

"Look now, Kathryn. I think they must have planned it. It's surreal to see, standing out like that in the darkness, a city floating in the night sky, ghostly, pale, shimmering in and out as the sky darkens. With the sounds of a population, it must have been imposing and frightening to strangers."

"It's beautiful, Chakotay. I had no idea there was anything like it on earth. I see now why you sent so much time here."

"It wasn't just the ruins I came for. It was the canyons' austere beauty and their peace that brought me here. Sometime we'll have to come here in the day. I think you'd enjoy it." He turned the conversation to practical matters, looking down at their dinner. "Finished?"

"Yes, thanks." He took the remains and began to clean up the utensils using water from the stream. Kolopac shifted, and she sat up and picked the child up in one arm. She used her other hand to start rubbing the back of her neck.

He watched her awkward movements for a moment, and then finally decided to help. He sat down behind her, leaned back against the boulder, and pulled her into his arms, moving his hands to her shoulders.

She sat up . "Chakotay, we haven't worked anything out."

He sighed and continued rubbing her neck. " Kathryn, I know you intend to be stiff-necked about your stance in this, but if you're going to follow through literally, even you'd have to agree you're being ridiculous. We'll work it all out eventually."

"Uhmm."

He smiled. "I know. I'm impossible." He paused and then continued. " So are you. I've done this a hundred times. Once more won't matter. Now relax and quit squirming." She finally settled down and he could feel the muscles in her neck begin to relax. "Better?"

"Yes, thanks." She leaned back against him. He put his arms around her and Kolopac, and quietly stared into the fire.

Kathryn broke the silence. "Chakotay, what happened to them?"

"To the Anasazi? No one knows."

She looked back at him cynically, shifting slightly. He held onto her. She finally commented, resigned, "This is the start of another one of your parables again, isn't it?"

He laughed. "No, I swear. I'm far less devious than you give me credit for. Although now that you mention it, I suppose there are some interesting parallels. Of course, the ancient ones didn't plan to leave a legacy for humanity, they just built something to make their lives better. I doubt they planned their buildings to be symbols for the future generations of what humanity can accomplish against impossible odds. There's no real proof that they believed in an after life, or thought much about the future."

"You've got to be wrong about that, Chakotay. The evidence is in the building design. There's plenty of room for expansion for future generations in the way they've constructed the living area and evidence that they expected the generations to hold together."

He smiled. "I suppose you're right, Kathryn. Perhaps they did have hope for the future. It was a grand experiment that failed, of course, although still had meaning in the end."

She shook her head and laughed. "Is that the end of the parable?"

When he nodded, she smiled. "Thank the stars."

They sat there listening to the night after that. He thought she'd fallen asleep, but she looked up when she heard the sounds in the distance. "What's that?'

"Coyote. Sounds like a small pack. They might have made a kill, it's difficult to say for sure. Or maybe they're just talking to the moon. I'd forgotten how beautiful it is here, with the moon so full, and the quiet, except for the sounds of the stream and the wildlife. I haven't looked at this program in years."

"Why ? It's beautiful. I'd have thought you'd want to come here often."

He shrugged, remembering. "I don't know why. I suppose it was because of the memories. I came here right after I'd been to Danab V. I spent two weeks in the canyons, making the decision to leave Starfleet, coping with my family's death."

"I see. I'm sorry, Chakotay. I hope this isn't bringing back too many painful memories."

"No, somehow it's cleansing to see it again. That part is over now; it's in the past. "

He thought about his family and then put the memories aside. It was time to start the discussion he'd intended. " Kathryn, if I do die out here, I've made some plans for Kolopac. I've left you his guardian . I want him to understand his heritage, but you're right that he's the one who should choose his future. I'd like you to help him understand his choices."

She shifted in his arms, looking down at the child. "I promise I will. But Chakotay, I probably won't make it back either."

He rested his chin in her hair. "I know you think that. So, I've put in a contingency plan. If you don't survive, I've assigned Tuvok and B'Elanna as joint guardians. If Tuvok, B'Elanna, you and I all don't make it back, chances are Kolopac won't either."

"Tuvok and B'Elanna?" She sighed. "That's creative. Why them?"

"Tuvok understands the importance of tradition and heritage. And he and his family are respected in the Federation. B'Elanna understands the difficulty of being from two diverse cultures. Each will be able to help him when the time comes."

"You've thought about it a lot, I see."

He smiled. "Yes, I have."

He paused, and then started into his plan. "What will you do when you get home, assuming you do, of course?" When she didn't say anything, he asked again. "It's possible you might, Kathryn. You have to have some plans, some hope for the future. What will you do?"

She rubbed her cheek against Kolopac's head. "Sleep. Stay in Starfleet, I suppose. Insist on a desk job for at least a year. With Kolopac, maybe longer than that. See my mother, if she's still alive. All of the usual fantasies. Nothing special, Chakotay."

He finally found the courage to ask the question he'd been working up to for most of the night. "What would you do if we both make it back?"

She tried to sit up, but he held onto her. "It's just a hypothetical question, Kathryn. I know the chances are nil. What would you do?"

He thought she was going to refuse to answer him, but she finally replied, "That would depend on the situation, of course."

He pushed her for more. "Would you be willing to try then?" He held his breath, waiting to see what she'd say. Her answer, when it came, was stark and simple.

"Yes, I would."

He waited for more, trying to absorb the words. He finally asked, "That's it? No parameters, no conditions, no qualifications?"

She sighed, and finally relaxed back into him. "No, no conditions. Not even if you decided to go to Danab V. I could put together a lab, I suppose. We could build something there. It wouldn't matter what. Chakotay, it's never going to happen. There's no reason to think about it."

He smiled. "I think I'll put Stellar on double shifts. I've developed a real interest in making it back to the Alpha quadrant. It's possible Ginn can come up with a few more anomalies to play with. Who knows - maybe Harry's wormhole is out there."

She snorted. "Not likely. And we've already got them on double shifts." She paused. "You know it's all hypothetical. None of it's going to happen. I don't want you to think it makes any difference to what we need to do on Voyager."

"I understand your view, Kathryn. And I agreed not to go over it with you again. But thank you for telling me. It helps."

She moved out of his arms, and stood up, uncomfortable with the discussion. "Well, as much as I'd like to stay in the canyons, we really do need to get some sleep and Kolopac would be more comfortable in his crib."

He stood up and took his son from her. "Kathryn, there's one more thing I need to mention. When I told you I hadn't made any long term decisions, I didn't mean that I hadn't decided, temporarily, about what I need to do."

She looked back at him silently. He swallowed, and took the risk. "And I can't continue the affair right now. I can't compartmentalize as well as you do. I care too much about you now. It would be unfair to us both for me to lie about that."

She turned away from him. "I see. Well, then, I - good night, Chakotay."

He watched her leave. As the holodeck door closed behind her, he said to himself. "I hope you do see, eventually, Kathryn. I really hope you do."

He canceled the program and left the room.

At midnight, he palmed the security lock on her door, and walked into her quarters unannounced again. He left off the lights and moved towards her desk.

Kathryn walked out of the bedroom almost immediately. She stared at him as the dim light of the stars reflected throughout the room. Her expression was difficult to read, but he thought he saw some anticipation, or relief in her expression.

"Chakotay?"

He looked at her, absorbing her image. She had always seemed incredibly beautiful to him when she was disheveled, still recovering from sleep.

He smiled casually. "I didn't mean to wake you, Captain. You said you needed the Engineering reports earlier today. I thought I'd bring them in, so you'd have them in the morning. I put them on your desk."

He looked at her carefully. "I'll leave now. Was there anything else?"

She turned away. "No, of course not. Good night, Commander."

He turned and walked through the connecting door, smiling. "Good night, Kathryn." As he went to check on Kolopac, and get ready to sleep himself, he decided that for one afternoon and evening work, he'd done fairly well. He'd doubled the number of times he'd been in her quarters, managed to get her to think, even briefly, about a future for herself without, and even more amazingly, *with* him, and made a few points of his own on that question.

He smiled at his son. And he was pretty damned sure that she didn't like the idea of sleeping alone. He laughed at himself. Of course, neither did he, but one way or another, he was going to find a way to help Kathryn Janeway believe in herself and in him and learn to hope for a future again. He shook his head, and fell into the bed, exhausted.

Section 7:

Six days later Chakotay sat in his office, reviewing strategy. He took a break from focusing on the situation with the unknowns, and concentrated on a more immediate problem.

"Computer, define siege."

"Siege is the operation of reducing and capturing a fortified place by surrounding it, cutting off supplies, undermining, bringing guns to bear, bombing and other offensive operations. Siege implies surrounding a city, cutting off its communications, and usually includes direct assault on its defenses. Siege was first..."

"Stop." He sat back and stretched, putting his feet up on the desk. All right, so he hadn't resorted to the 'guns or bombing', yet, but 'cutting off communications' had a familiar ring to it. He thought about the last week. It had been simple to implement the first stage of the Janeway siege. He'd just left her alone. Very much alone.

Of course, he was polite and cheerful. And, of course, he'd been very very distant.

During off hours, he'd found ways to be unavailable. He ate meals in the mess hall with the rest of the crew and avoided her, politely, when he encountered her in Sandrines or the gym. He stayed away from his quarters when she had Kolopac or was using the space as a ready room. He avoided late evening conversations with her, claiming exhaustion. He quit asking if she'd eaten, and quit harassing her about the amount of coffee she drank. And he had no idea whether she was sleeping or not. He suspected not, or at least not a lot.

During the alpha shift, he stayed away from the Bridge. He'd had an idea about how to extend sensor range using the techniques Tuvok had perfected in Security. He'd assigned the experiment to B'Elanna and her team. He spent most of his time helping. When he wasn't in Engineering, he was in Stellar talking to Ginn about the unknowns space looking for gaps that they might be able to slip through. He spent the rest of his time in his office, reviewing tactical strategies they might be able to use when they got to the planet.

It was easy enough to be distracted. The closer they got to the planet, the more dead and quiet the space became. It was eerie, and it was unnatural.

During after-shift debriefings with Janeway he offered no opinions beyond those he had concerning the topic at hand. Their interactions were consequently shorter than when he'd first agreed to join her crew, lasting perhaps five minutes in total each time.

She didn't ask him about the change. He could tell she wanted to, he could see it in her eyes, but she chose not to address the question. He left it that way.

He thought the first stage of the siege was having some impact. But he'd always known Kathryn was stubborn. She could adjust to anything if she knew the pattern. So, there wasn't going to be a pattern. He needed to keep her off balance.

He needed to implement stage two: offensive operations and a direct assault on defense. The walls were literally going to come down by building precisely what she said she wanted. He was going to build a small space for Kolopac in her living area and move the ready room into her quarters. It would look like he was pulling back farther from her, and he'd let her think that for a few days.

Then he was going to be constantly underfoot. He wasn't going to spend another morning without her. Wake up calls and breakfasts in her quarters would be easy enough once the space was set up, and there were dozens of reasons he could use to be in and of her room. Once he'd broken through the wall, he was going to make sure it never got repaired.

Of course, she was going to be very annoyed. It was inevitable. He looked at the file of materials he'd allocated to the project and held his breath for a moment. Then he ordered the transport to his quarters.

Talking to B'Elanna was next. He needed to ensure her cooperation. He smiled at the thought. He suspected that after the last week, B'Elanna would be willing to accommodate any request he made, provided he got out of her hair. But he also knew that she, out of anyone on Voyager with the possible exception of Janeway, knew him too well. She was going to be trouble unless he end-ran her questions. He closed down his station and went down to Engineering.

Chakotay located B'Elanna in one of the smaller bays, working on the sensors project. He sat down on the console next to her workstation, and looked down at her casually.

She didn't look up. "Are you back *again*? Go away, Chakotay. I swear we'll have it up for you in three hours if you just *go away*."

He smiled. "B'Elanna, I'm the XO. I get to hover wherever I feel inclined. It's in the regs."

She finally looked up at him, exasperated. "What is it with you, lately? Hover, my ass... more like micromanage me to death. Go somewhere else. Go play with Ginn. He's constitutionally incapable of hating anyone and normally whines about not getting enough attention. Or just go play on the Bridge, or go do something useful. Preferably ANYWHERE except here."

He smiled again. " I have been working with Ginn. And you're right. He appreciates the help and the interest." His slight emphasis on the pronoun stopped her.

She stared back at him and stopped working, suddenly serious. He'd expected that. "What's going on, Chakotay? Look, you know as well as I do that you've been useful. Kahless, even I admit it was your idea and it's a good one, but this much hands on attention isn't normal. And don't tell me you're worried about the implementation. You're too cheerful. Even in the Maquis, you didn't hover this much when you were flat out paranoid. What is it?"

He shrugged. "Would you believe I'm bored?"

"No. No way. We're heading into the unknowns territory, and normally you'd be circling like a hawk on the Bridge, not hovering down here or even in Stellar."

She stopped. "That's it, isn't it? You're avoiding the Bridge. I know Janeway's been ... uh... a little terse the last few days, but that's never seemed to bother you before."

She paused, thinking. "Of course, she's never been quite this terse before."

She finished the thought. "And *you're* usually front and center when she's worried, not playing Cheshire cat all over the rest of the ship."

"B'Elanna, can't you accept that I want to help?"

She rejected the comment. "No. Not possible. You *know* I hate micromanaging. Front and center I expect, but this is getting ridiculous."

She paused again. "Now that I think about it, it's not just the Bridge you've been avoiding. You're avoiding Janeway. I haven't seen you two together in nearly a week. You've been eating with Harry, Tom and me and she's been eating alone. And in Sandrines, you've been associating with the crew, not with her."

He said mildly, "The Captain and I aren't having a command problem, B'Elanna. You're way off."

She shook her head. "I *know* that. You're too cheerful for a command problem. So, I'm asking again, what's going on?"

He looked away. "I have a favor to ask."

She stared at him suspiciously. "Uhuh. I'm waiting. Now comes the good part."

He continued. "B'Elanna, it's not that difficult, but it *is* a personal favor. I want to build a space for Kolopac and I need the plan to be kept very quiet. I've transported the materials I need to my quarters. I'll build most of it myself, but I'd like your help on some of the technical pieces and I need your ... inattention... about the allocations. "

B'Elanna blew up. "Kahless, Chakotay, you know that anyone on this ship would help you with Kolopac. We've all been thinking he needs ...*techninal* pieces?" She shook her head. " And why do you need it kept quiet?"

He waited for her to think it through. It didn't take long. "And while we're on that, why would *I* need to keep quiet about the allocations? You're the XO." She sighed. "This is some damned new plan of yours. Get it over with and put me out of my misery so I can go back to work on *your* sensor project."

He waited for her to ask the real question.

She finally came to the conclusions he'd expected. She looked up at him suspiciously, and then a smile gradually expanded over her features. "Where and what *is* this space you're planning?"

He moved over to her workstation and pulled up the specs. "Here. But I'd like to keep it as a surprise for the Captain."

B'Elanna looked over the specs, shaking her head, her smile dissolving almost instantly. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

He looked back at her seriously. "Yes. I do."

She searched his expression carefully. "Kahless, I hope so."

She stopped and looked up at him. "Chakotay, this plan doesn't combine the quarters. It separates them. I… this is none of my business, but we were all hoping it would go the other way."

He shrugged and smiled. "I can't stop speculation, B'Elanna. It's a big ship. The Captain has been helping me with Kolopac, that's all. Now that we're past the Karpekov crisis, I wanted to thank her and make sure that Kolopac has a place in her life. It'll be easier for Janeway if we set up the ready room in her own space, and have a place there for Kolopac. But I'd like to surprise her, and I'd like her to be the one to let the crew know about the change of locale for the ready room. It's simple."

B'Elanna looked up at him consideringly. "And you've been playing least in sight so she won't know about the construction, and been playing micromanager so she won't see that the resource allocations were written into the sensor project. Terrific. When do you plan to construct this little surprise ?"

"Tomorrow. She won't see any of the materials. It's my night for Kolopac, so she won't use the ready room. I intend to do the construction while she's working tomorrow and have it done by the time she picks him up after shift . It won't be a problem, B'Elanna, unless the crew gets wind of the plan. I need to stop that."

B'Elanna sighed. "Yeah, right." She shook her head. "I hope you know what you're doing, old man. Really I do. It smells of a Maquis maneuver to me. Kahless only knows what Janeway will do."

"Nothing. This is what she wants."

B'Elanna looked at him, and sighed again. "And I'm a Talaxian." She looked down and then back up again. "You *swear* you'll stay out of here and let us finish the sensors?"

He smiled. "I promise."

She shook her head. " All right, I'll do it, and yes, I'll keep my mouth shut. You're on, but only if you go away. "

He smiled and left. Mission accomplished.

Hours later, he woke up from a deep sleep, suddenly aware that there was someone moving around in the living area of his quarters. He got up, looked around and found Kathryn on his couch next to Kolopac's crib. She was in her robe, with her hair down, sitting with her chin on her knees. She looked tired, and somehow fragile. He put the thought aside. Her presence was unexpected. Up until now, she'd accommodated his unspoken request for distance.

"Kathryn?"

She looked up in the darkness. "Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. I was awake...rather, I couldn't sleep, and I just thought I'd check to see if Kolopac was all right."

He turned away and walked toward the viewscreen and away from her. "He's fine. He's sleeping, which is what we both should be doing as well."

She sighed. "I know." She paused and then looked around her and asked, "Chakotay, what is all this?"

He shifted his weight, uncomfortable. He didn't want to have to tell her. He'd intended the project to be complete before she had a chance to ask. He'd intended to break down the Janeway wall by literally and physically building the barriers she wanted and then breaking into them on a daily basis. Siege.

He finally responded. " It's about another sort of compartmentalization. I thought if you had a space for Kolopac in your quarters, it'd be easier for you to work there. I assumed you'd want to move the ready room there. I was going to build it tomorrow. I've kept the plan quiet, of course. You can choose when you want to alert the crew to the change."

He didn't like her silence.

He continued. "There's no space left in here, Kathryn. The room's too small to accommodate all of what we need it to do. Nothing would really change, except that the set up would be more convenient for you and we'd both have a place to retreat to. I would be conveniently absent, of course, or as absent as I could be, given that I am Kolopac's father."

She turned away and sighed. "It makes sense, of course. You'll have your privacy back again. It's thoughtful of you to plan the change quietly, Chakotay. Thank you."

He waited for her to continue, but she remained silent, sitting with her cheek on her knees, looking away from him and towards Kolopac. He needed to say something; the silence was too awkward.

"You look exhausted, Kathryn. You need to get some sleep."

She shook her head. "It's all right. I'm just tired of the unknowns. We've been dealing with the problem for nearly two months now. I'll be glad when it's over."

He watched as she slowly rubbed the back of her neck, and then put her hand on Kolopac's head. The last two months filtered through his memory, as he remembered how stressful the problem with the unknowns had been for her. He'd added to her worries, by refusing to offer the support she'd come to rely on, whether she was willing to admit she needed the help or not. He'd thought she needed to learn to hope but he'd ignored the problems she was facing on a day to day basis. He should have left the plan for later.

But there would always be another problem, always be another crisis on the horizon. There'd never be time. In the end, what he needed, or thought she needed, didn't matter. He looked at Kathryn and then at his son, the most important people in the universe to him. And watched them quietly, while he saw his whole plan fall apart, like the construction of sand that it was.

He couldn't use military tactics to control his relationship with them. Siege wouldn't work; he wanted to compromise too much, wanted to see the tiredness leave her eyes, and wanted to stop her resignation. He simply didn't want to win. Not if it hurt either one of them.

But he couldn't lie about what he needed, either. He had to finally let go.

"Sand castles."

She looked up at him, confused. "What?"

"Nothing. It's just a thought. A young child's fantasy creation. Sand castles."

"I don't understand."

Now wasn't the time to explain, of course. There would never be a time. He settled for the practical. "Have you eaten today?"

"Yes. I think so."

He gave up the point. "And I suppose you've overdone it on the coffee again."

She smiled resignedly. "Probably. I can't remember. It doesn't matter. "

He bit back his immediate thought that it did matter, and turned away. If there was an absolute in the universe, he was sure it was named Kathryn Janeway. She was never going admit she needed anything or anyone.

"Then I'll see you in the morning, Captain. Unless there's something else."

"No, of course not. Goodnight."

He turned and walked back to his sleeping area. He almost missed the comment, she said it so quietly. "I miss you, Chakotay."

He turned and looked back at her. He didn't like the matter of fact resignation he'd heard in her tone. And as he looked at her, he didn't like her tired, subdued posture or her calm expression. She expected him to refuse to meet her halfway.

Her comment wasn't much of an admission, but for Kathryn Janeway it was unheard of. But he couldn't let go quite that easily, without some understanding between them. "I want you here in the morning."

She looked away. "I think I can compromise on that now."

He wasn't finished. "And I want to discuss this after we get through this space. I'm not giving in, Kathryn. I'm just willing to put it all on hold for a while."

She shook her head, musingly. "I suppose we'll have to discuss it. I didn't realize how much I'd... misunderstood the nature of the connection."

He looked at her and smiled. A subdued Kathryn Janeway was a new experience, and one he wasn't sure how he felt about ; guilty or relieved. He reverted to the practical.

He pulled her up from the couch and into his arms. "Kathryn, you've had too much caffeine, not enough sleep and forgot to eat dinner. By tomorrow, you'll be just as difficult as ever."

He could feel her start to relax. "I suppose that's true."

He ran his hand through her hair and began to relax himself. "We both need to sleep. Tomorrow's not going to be easy."

She smiled into his chest. "It never is."

Section 8

In his more paranoid moments, Chakotay felt like Voyager was the last mourner in a macabre funeral procession that led unalterably towards a grave site. The closer they got to the unknown's planet, the more eerie the space became. They maneuvered though the intransigent bodies of hundreds of wrecked ships, ghostly avatars of what they would find ahead. They searched the wreckage, but there was no story to decipher beyond that of terrible destruction.

The planet was annihilated. There was no life and little atmosphere left, although at one time there must have been a lush climate. There were signs of a once thriving civilization in the southern hemisphere. They could deduce from the remains of the structures left standing that the people might have been sophisticated and intelligent, but the devastation was so comprehensive that it was difficult to be sure. The entire culture was wiped out. They could find no archive to give them a clue to who the people might have been or what had caused the destruction. The planet was a shell; a horrifying legacy and a poignant monument to an unknown race.

With the dead all around and below them, Voyager was a ship out of time and out of place, alone in a graveyard. The crew was becoming unnerved the longer they remained. Chakotay was as well.

The more carefully they examined the spatial debris, the more clear it became that not all of the ships had been destroyed a hundred years ago along with the planet. There were signs of divergent technologies, of alien races, and some of the metals showed signs of more recent construction. He now believed that something, or someone, was intent on destroying anything that came near the planet. So far, the plan had been successful.

Janeway ordered deep scans of the planet, using the results of the new sensor project. For three days, Voyager orbited and searched for anything that might give them a clue to the story of the destruction and a key to the unknowns.

They were scanning the lower portion of the southern continent when the power signs from a previously unseen facility first appeared. Both he and Janeway were on the Bridge when it happened.

Chakotay jumped in, automatically issuing orders. "Shields up. Red alert. Arm phasers."

Janeway looked at him, questioning, but stopped short of saying anything that would deliberately contradict the orders.

He grimaced, looking back at her, sending a silent message. He could tell instinctively that there was something wrong. She looked away, seeming to understand.

His worry wasn't long in manifesting itself.

Tuvok commented, "The facility is sending out a beam, Captain. It is targeting a piece of debris around the planet."

Chakotay looked at Janeway. " Destroy the debris, Captain. It's critical."

She looked back at him and issued the order. He didn't really follow the rest of the process - the destruction of the target and analysis by the science team. He was still trying to deal with the overwhelming sense of relief that he'd experienced when she'd acquiesced to his request.

"In my ready room, Commander." The comment woke him up out of the fog he'd been in. He got up, and followed her.

When the door closed, she turned to him. "What was that about?"

He shook his head and looked away. "Gut instinct. It's not logical, I know, Captain. I can't explain it, but I think you are right in that the answer to the unknowns is on the planet and you're right that what's planning this *is* malevolent. We had to stop the beam."

She hit her comm badge. "Mr. Kim, any information on what the beam activated in the debris before we destroyed it?"

Kim responded. "It was a beacon, Captain. It had begun to send out a message for... the best I can describe it is ... for help, before we destroyed it. That's all."

"Acknowledged." Janeway looked back at him and gestured towards chairs. They both sat down. She stared at him expectantly.

"Siege."

She looked up in surprise and some exasperation. "I know the term, Chakotay. What does that have to do with destroying an automated beacon activated by an automated facility on a dead planet? The response was probably nothing more than a hundred year old request for aid that never got put to use."

He shook his head. "No. It was more. Why have we suddenly found a building that's intact and still has power?"

She looked at him consideringly. "We've only been doing a deep scan of the planet for three days. The facility may have been there all along..."

He finished the thought. "- or it may have been offline, and was activated by our scans. There's no way to know for sure. But if you're right that the answer to the unknowns is on the planet, then they may be protecting that information. This may have been a way for the facility to alert the unknowns that we'd arrived."

"I thought you didn't believe in my theory."

He grimaced. "I still think we ought to get the hell out and take our chances. But if you're right, and the answer's down there, then it's possible that the unknowns are also aggressively monitoring and protecting this area of space. The facility's response could have been planned to alert them to trespassers. By cutting off the beacon, we cut off their method of communication. I only hope we did it fast enough."

She thought about it, and finally shook her head in understanding. "Siege."

"Exactly. The first move is to cut off communications. Next, we need to surround the facility, target all phasers and weapons on it and prepare to fire at the slightest sign of change... and then, if necessary, we need to go down there and see what's there. And destroy it, if we have to."

She looked up at that. "I don't agree with the analogy, Chakotay, but I agree with the last suggestion. We need to find out if there's anything down there that might help us understand what's going on in this area of space. We've checked and rechecked. There's no life on that planet. The unknowns aren't here; they're out there on the boarders, waiting. We need to know where and we need to know why if we're going to get through this space in one piece. We can't just leave and take our chances. The facility is the only option we have so far of deciphering the puzzle."

She voiced the conclusion he'd come to but had been dreading. "We need an away team."

He shook his head, trying again. "We need a plan to surround the building."

She shrugged, resigned. "I'm not disagreeing. Your suggestion is precautionary, and it's possible you're right about the beacon. We don't know where the unknowns are, although we do know they're not down on that planet. They may be following us. It won't hurt to be prepared."

She continued. "I want Tuvok in on the design of the plan. " She paused and then looked at him, the determination obvious in her expression. "But I want this understood: we're going down there, the sooner the better. "

She waited for his argument, but he stayed silent. He knew she wasn't going to change her mind about leaving the planet without exploring the installation.

Janeway got up and walked away from him, looking out of the viewscreen at the planet. She finally turned back to him and asked, "Who do you want on the away team with you?"

He considered the question. "Hendrickson, Sager, and Dalby. "

She stared back. "Explain."

He smiled, somewhat cynically. "It's a Maquis mission, Captain - a surgical strike and a hit and run. I only hope we can run fast enough."

He paused and then continued explaining the specifics of the recommendation, carefully keeping his eyes away from hers. "Barring Paris, Hendrickson's one of the best pilots around. I'm going to have to watch all of it, so I can't do the piloting. Sager's one of Tuvok's best now. And while Dalby's not Starfleet trained, this mission calls for on-the-fly skills in Engineering. He's got that down cold. They're all familiar with reconnaissance missions."

He left out the main reason he'd chosen the way he had. She wouldn't agree with his reasoning. There was something about this mission that left him wary and cold inside. The truth was that Maquis had all given up on living years ago. And in the end, they were all expendable to Voyager. But he knew they'd fight to win, no matter the odds.

"I want you to take Aki as well. Beyond Tuvok and B'Elanna, he's the best we have for deciphering alien technology."

"He's not used to reconnaissance."

"He's not Maquis. That's your problem, isn't it? " She stared him down. "No one is expendable, Chakotay. No one."

He wondered bleakly when she'd developed the habit of reading his mind. He shook his head and admitted to what he was thinking. "The odds on this mission going smoothly are infinitesimal, Captain. There are too many variables."

"We'll find a way to make it work."

He turned his thoughts aside. It wasn't helping to dwell on the negatives. He grimaced and said the first thing that came to mind. "Of course we will. We've always beaten the odds."

Startled, he watched as she left her Ready Room without looking back. And then he damned himself for blurting out the comparison.

Section 9

At the end of a two-hour strategy session, Chakotay finally felt that he, Janeway and Tuvok had orchestrated as much of a plan as was possible. Some of the decisions had been obvious. They'd ruled out transporting an away team to the surface immediately. Transporting anything through the radiation in the atmosphere was currently impossible. That left the shuttles - not the best, but their only option. The problem was they couldn't predict the facility's response if it discovered a shuttle on reconnaissance. Up until now, it had ignored Voyager, although it had reacted to the scan. But Voyager had stayed in a high orbit. The ship hadn't threatened the installation or come near the surface. A shuttle mission was going to do exactly that. Some sort of defense was probable given its reaction to the scans.

They set up a three-pronged offense. Voyager would descend into a low orbit in the atmosphere to make the away team shuttle's trip to the surface short and sweet. A second shuttle would fly an intrusive, obvious and erratic course intended to distract the facility. And a third would set up camp outside of danger as a back-up, ready to help Voyager. The plan was the best they could come up with. Chakotay couldn't shake the premonition that it just wasn't going to be good enough.

Paris was flying the shuttle that was going to run the gauntlet. They'd need their best pilot in a shuttle intended to be a moving target. Tuvok was heading the shuttle that would stay back. That left Janeway with the beta team on Voyager, with the exceptions of Harry and B'Elanna. It was a logical strategy - separate the senior staff to oversee each of the objectives. Chakotay didn't like it.

At 0900, Voyager dropped down to a low orbit. There was no response from the planet. Paris' shuttle took off, followed by Tuvok's. Chakotay's shuttle was the last to leave Voyager. Hendrickon kept their movements erratic and subdued, hiding in the debris that surrounded the planet. Chakotay hoped their quiet, unobtrusive course would mask their progress and keep the installation unaware of them.

As they headed down though the atmosphere, Chakotay watched Paris' flying with grudging respect. Paris was guiding his shuttle at impossible speeds through the debris, dipping down to the planet's atmosphere, and then back up again. It was brilliant flying. If anything could confuse the facility, Paris' actions should.

Chakotay was watching for a reaction to Paris' maneuvers when he saw the beam. "What the..."

Hendrickson broke in. "Chakotay, Voyager's been stopped by a type of tractor beam. It's coming from the facility. No damage to the ship yet."

Dalby interrupted. "Two incoming messages from Voyager. The first is on a closed frequency aimed at the planet. It's a hail. The second, well, it's subspace, but on all frequencies." He look up, confused. "It's just three words, over and over. 'Haley at Denari.' "

Hendrickson looked up from the console. "Should I try to use Sackajawea to help Voyager break free?"

Chakotay shook his head, a sense of relief temporarily washing over him as he absorbed Janeway's message. He looked back at Hendrickson. "No. Stay on course but increase to full impulse. It's a ruse. Haley at Denari was a tactical maneuver used in the 22nd century by a small renegade ship. Haley let the Klingons think he'd been overcome, when he was safe, in order to confuse them and cover a reconnaissance team. Voyager can break free, and at least for now, she's safe. The Captain's using the opportunity to distract the facility so we can get down there, so let's *get * down there and see what this mess is all about."

Tuvok would understand the message, however arcane. But Paris might not know the reference, or misunderstand and try to help Voyager. Chakotay watched with relief as Paris continued maneuvers and refrained from any aggressive moves.

But he didn't like the implications. The first part of their strategy - distracting the facility with Paris' shuttle - hadn't worked. Janeway had been forced to use Voyager as the distraction.

They landed Sackajawea a kilometer from the installation amongst the ruins of buildings, thankfully ignored and possibly unobserved.

Chakotay tried to look out of the viewscreen, but all he saw was an unrelenting landscape of rubble, darkness and torrential winds. The deep gray ash of the dead civilization covered the shuttle, making sight impossible, debris still circulating in the winds even now, a hundred years after the destruction. Over all was the black mantle of eternal night . The winds pounded the shuttle with the left-over wreckage of ancient buildings. He stared at the onslaught, mesmerized, even as he tried to focus his mind and see into the distance.

He finally shook himself out of his preoccupation. "There's no way we're going to be able to tolerate this atmosphere for long without environmental suits. Dalby, is there any way we can use the transporters? I -." He stopped himself from finishing the request. He was asking the impossible. They hadn't been able to transport from Voyager; the possibility that the shuttle's less sophisticated equipment could handle the problem was unlikely.

Dalby stared at the console, working, and finally commented, "It might be possible. The target's only a kilometer away. I've readjusted the specs to account for the radiation and the atmosphere, but it's like teasing the tail of a Cardassian hunta. We have to time it perfectly in one of the lulls. But I don't think .." He ran some more calculations. "It's possible, but it's extremely dangerous."

Chakotay began running alternate plans through his mind. They could do it if they had to, but he'd rather not start a mission with very bad odds. Things were already bad enough.

Dalby looked up. "Look at this, Chakotay. I think I have the building specs. It's all underground, but…"

Chakotay stared at the console. ".. but that sure looks like an entrance of sorts."

Dalby shook his head in agreement.

Chakotay looked at the specs again. "Can you beam us directly into the building?"

Dalby shook his head hesitantly, talking to himself. "I think so. I saw B'Elanna do something similar once, on Kilmara. The problem is the building's composition. It's some sort of …" Chakotay couldn't hear the rest, as Dalby started mumbling and running calculations. Dalby finally looked back at him. "Yes. I think I can. I think I can set the specs for you to rematerialize just inside of what looks like the door."

"Atmosphere?"

"Oxygen/ nitrogen. We won't need masks."

Chakotay came to a decision. "Let's do it. Dalby, you'll need to stay here and control transports. Hendrickson, Sager, Aki, you're with me. We'll take it as its comes when we get inside."

He looked back at Dalby. " Divert all energy except environmental. That should help break through any interference. Keep the channel to us open, but don't attempt contact. We'll check in every half hour. If we miss two calls, abort the mission and get out of here."

He stood up and directed the team into a defensive crouch. "Let's get this over with and get back to Voyager."

Chakotay felt dizzy and lightheaded from the transport as he felt ash and dust fill his lungs. The air smelled stale; the dust permeated his clothes. He watched the others materialize slowly. Dalby was obviously having trouble. Chakotay shook his head, trying to clear it, and tried to assess their position. Dalby had managed to get them into the building but the consuming blackness outside seemed to have crept its way in. He shook away the fanciful thought, stood up and turned on his armband light. It was a dangerous move, but he needed get a visual sense of where they were and what they were dealing with. He scanned the area with his tricorder, trying to calibrate their location and appraise the situation.

Sager broke the silence. "Uh.. Commander, I think you better have a look at this."

Chakotay turned quickly towards Sager. His armband light outlined the desiccated corpse of something that was once humanoid, the leathery skin of its grotesque arms still straining towards the door. The body was face down, it's claw-like hands eternally scratching the exit.

Chakotay shook his head in disgust. "Bogey men."

Aki glanced at him, confused. "Commander?"

"Bogey men. An old Earth story to scare children. Like ghosts, goblins, and monsters under the bed." He scanned the corpse with his tricorder. "It has to have been there at least ten years." He looked carefully at the dust around the body. "And it was put here deliberately. Look at the footprints in the dust around it. " He continued his train of thought aloud. "It's the first evidence we have in dealing with the unknowns that there are live beings constructing the attacks. Up until now, all we've encountered is technology or remotes. It's the unknown's first mistake. They've given us evidence that they're alive and that they've been here. " He smiled, cynically. "And it's a damned silly way to scare off intruders. After what we've seen in space, one dead body doesn't cut it. Still, when we're done we should give the poor bastard a decent burial. He's been used enough."

He could feel the team relax into readiness as they absorbed his comments, as he tried not to show the dread he felt. The body was too obvious a ploy. And whatever intelligence was planning the attacks wasn't stupid. It had given them the information that it was alive for a reason, and he was sure he wasn't going to like the purpose.

Aki jumped in, distracting him from his thoughts. "Commander, look at this. There are footprints all through the dust in here. They're all leading into the central corridor." He paused again, and then commented, "And that's the only area where I can detect any power signatures."

Chakotay nodded. "Then we'd better check it out. Hendrickson, stay put. See if you can figure out a way to open that door. I'd like another alternative to transporting out of here. Sager, Aki, let's see what's in this place."

They headed for the heart of the installation, scanning for the main databanks. Chakotay kept expecting an attack, but there was nothing. The break-in was easy. It made him nervous. They followed decades-old footprints in the dust, alone and unchallenged.

The facility had no apparent internal security - an unlikely scenario.

They found the main databanks, alive and powered up, in an alcove just off the central corridor. Chakotay sent Sager to make sure the area close by was secure as he and Aki began trying to decipher the alien technology.

He couldn't find a way in. He couldn't break the codes. They'd been working for thirty minutes, past the first check-in with Dalby, and still there was nothing, no crack in the programs. The check-in had been mostly static. There was no way they could beam out from this deep inside the installation. They'd have to back track. Every moment was critical; each second lost from not getting into the programs a significant set-back in the mission. He cursed himself for leaving B'Elanna on Voyager, and Dalby with the shuttle. He didn't know Aki well; didn't know what the man was capable of under stress. He should. He was the XO. He should know these things. He tried to calm his breathing. He felt hot, although he knew the room was close to freezing. He had to keep control; he had to find a way out of this. They had to break the codes.

The console flickered. Aki broke in before he had a chance to say anything. "Commander, I've got it. I just changed the specs and it reacted. I think this is it."

Chakotay turned to Aki's console, examining the data on the man's tricorder. "Thank the universe. Recalibrate my tricorder to match yours. Then let's get the data. Look for anything related to their military structure, or the installation's specifications."

When Aki finished the recalibration, Chakotay turned back to the twin console and began scanning, filtering through layers of alien programming. The logic of the files was unlike anything he'd seen before. There was no hierarchy. The connections seemed erratic, illogical. He kept looking.

"Commander, I can't find anything on military strength, but there is data on the civilization. There's a description of the… hundreds of files."

"Upload everything you can find. We'll figure it out later."

Chakotay stared at the programs, trying to sort through the logic. It was warped; almost obscene. The data seemed like they had been structured by madness; celebrations were rituals of sacrifice; nauseating in their graphic visuals. Madness.. he pulled up files on the children… and found the installation's structure.

"Aki, I've got it. Military specs, at least that's what it .. well, take a look."

The installation suddenly began to increase power, the console in front of them taking on a virulent glow.

Chakotay swore, working frantically. "Where the hell is that power coming from?"

"I don't know. Commander, I think it's tripled the power to the tractor beam. Even Voyager can't pull out of this."

Chakotay watched in horror as the console he was looking at began to activate shields around the building. "It's a trap. It waited until we got down here, letting Voyager think she was safe. It's known all along we're here. And now it's got Voyager and us in a damned web."

The first weapon fire nearly took off his head. He crashed to the floor, hiding under the console. Aki was down. He hadn't moved fast enough. Sager dove over to Aki, moving him out of range. Chakotay looked for the source - there was no one, nothing. The silence was deafening… until he moved a hand out from under the console. The beams targeted his hand, coming from the walls.

He gestured to Sager. They had to take the chance of trying to get out. They had to get the data back to Voyager. He set his phaser to overload, ordering Sager silently to do the same with his and Aki's. Then he moved.

The beams came crashing around him, focused on him, leaving space for Sager to help Aki out into the corridor. He felt a hit on his shoulder and kept rolling. And then he felt the transporter.

He stared at Dalby. "How?"

Dalby shrugged. "I don't like change. Hendrickson blew a hole in the door just as the shields started to come up. I took the chance and focused the transporter through the hole. It worked." Then he smiled. "Besides, you missed the last check-in. Janeway won't like it if we don't bring you back intact."

Chakotay glared at Dalby. He just shrugged again.

"Voyager?"

Dalby sobered up. "Can't move. She's caught in the tractor beam. I've tried phasers. No effect on the facility's shields, but they do have a nasty habit of refocusing the beam back. The shuttle's shields held so we don't have much damage, but it means Voyager can't use any firepower to break free. Paris and Tuvok are firing. They can probably move quick enough to avoid the refocus in space. But Voyager's caught."

"What about firing in the gap?"

"There is a weakness, but not enough to matter. The building's shields went down for a few seconds when I hit that location, but they're restored again."

Chakotay stared at the chronometer. "Damn."

Dalby looked up from the console. "Chakotay?"

"We left the phasers inside on overload. Either they didn't explode or the facility was able to destroy them."

"Commander, should I take off?" Hendrickson moved into the pilot chair, looking at him expectantly.

He answered slowly, thinking through the problem. "No. Not yet. We have to use every possible option to help Voyager to break free." He scanned the data he'd found, and came to a decision. "I'm going to go back. I think I know how to bring down the shields but I'll have to do it from the inside."

Dalby broke in. "Chakotay, there's no way into the building."

"There is if we strike again at the hole in the door. I can get through the gap in the few seconds the shields are down. We can't destroy it that way, but I can get back in. That gap is the facility's Achilles Heel. We need to use it to our advantage."

"Hendrickson , once I'm in, get the shuttle back to Voyager. That's an order. They'll need the data Aki and I recorded in order to find another way to attack and get away from here."

"Commander -"

"No discussion. I'll beam up after I've dismantled the shields."

He pulled out of the chair, but Dalby was in his way.

"Chakotay, Voyager's transporters can't break through the atmosphere. You know that. The shuttle's transporter is barely operational on the ground, let alone in space. Communications with Voyager are erratic. It's suicide. You can't do it. Let me; I don't care about any of this anyway. I can-"

"Dalby, I nearly broke your jaw once before when you refused an order. I'll do it now for sure if you don't get out of my way. You don't know how to bring down the shields. I do. Now move."

"The hell I will. At least let me set up the site to site transporter on the surface and set up the remote through your comm badge. B'Elanna and Bandera did it on Bajor once, remember? It worked."

Chakotay stared at him. "You've got five minutes. No more."

Dalby moved. It was nearly five minutes when he came back through the shuttle door. Dalby stared at him. "Commander, you can't do this."

Chakotay was startled by the use of the title. Dalby never called him that. He shrugged. "B'Elanna may have figured something out by now. I'll hold off using the site to site until the end. I'd rather not interrupt whatever Voyager's trying to do with my atoms, but if they can't get a lock, it's a long shot that might work."

Dalby continued to stare at him, silent. They both knew it wouldn't work. If they did destroy the facility, the explosion would be too great, the location too close, and the interference too high for the comm badge commands to work. But still, if Voyager couldn't get him out, Chakotay knew it was the only chance he had.

Chakotay turned away, back to the console. " It's all right. It's just one of the perks of being XO. The lifespan projections were bound to catch up with me sometime. Tell the Captain... well... just tell her what happened. She'll know what to do, if I do get the shields down. If I don't, it won't matter anyway." He finally looked back at Dalby. " It's all right, Dalby. And if I don't make it; remember this. It'll be your job to care about things."

Dalby turned away. "You better make it back, Chakotay. I have no intention of going clean." Dalby sat down next to Hendrickson. "Systems ready; firing phasers." He paused, and then Chakotay felt the transporter take him back to the entrance.

He rolled as he rematerialized on the surface just outside the door. He watched the phasers fire, creating a gap in the shields and jumped through the hole just as it began to readjust. He was in.

There was silence. He tripped over the corpse in the darkness and started through the corridor, back to the consoles. There was nothing but whine of the power grids, as he moved closer to the heart of the building. He traced the route for the third time now in the last three hours. It would be the last time he's take it; either he'd be beamed out or die here. He knew each corner would be etched in his memory for the rest of his life. He turned into the final corridor, expecting attack. It was tactically the best place for the facility to assault him. He was totally vulnerable, but there was nothing. It was as if the facility's program had been written to only expect one entry, one attack. It was ignoring him completely. It didn't take long to figure out why. No one could make it back in time once they'd left the planet before their ship was destroyed. Once the facility had detected the shuttle's exit, it had shut off internal scans. It gave him a huge advantage, if he timed it right. But he had to be careful. There was no way of knowing what might alert the facility to reengage internal sensors. As he worked, he wondered how many times it'd run the program and how many other ships and lives had been lost by this senseless destruction.

He reached the main power console, used his tricorder and found the program that would bring down the shields. He could tell that the system was powering up weapons. It wouldn't be long now. He had to time it perfectly. He wouldn't get a second chance; neither would Voyager. Once he lowered the shields, Janeway would know what to do. But he wanted to give Voyager as long as possible to try to break through the interference and to try to get a lock on him. He could only hope that the shuttle made it back, that she'd gotten the specs, and that Dalby had told her his plan. He was ready now. The destruct was set. Ten minutes. By the looks of it, he had ten more minutes to hold on. And to think.

He wasn't very good at waiting. Memories flashed though his mind of the first time he'd seen Kathryn; of her sitting at his workstation with Kolopac, telling him to sleep; the way she'd looked when she'd figured out Karpekov ;the first time he'd touched her, on Ginn's planet; the last month when she'd been with Kolopac and him. The nights they'd been together; how it felt to just hold her. She'd been right all along. The chances that he was going to make it out of this were infinitesimal. He was going to die and she was going to be left with the rest of it, to pick up the pieces. He knew she'd take care of his son. He could only hope that he hadn't broken her control and she could keep focused for Voyager. Five minutes. Five more minutes and then it'd be over.

Section 10

"Shields at 60 per cent. Damage on decks 9 through 11, sections 16 through 30. Repair crews in route. Eleven in transfer to Sickbay."

Kathryn Janeway ignored the litany, getting up from the floor. " B'Elanna?"

The Klingon kept her eyes on her station on the Bridge. "I don't know how it's doing it, but I think it kicked our phaser fire back at us. It's doing the same thing to Tom and Tuvok, but they can move out of the way." Voyager took another hit, throwing the Klingon into the wall of the ship and Janeway nearly back down to the floor.

"Cease fire." Janeway breathed a silent sigh of relief as the barrage against her ship stopped suddenly. She made it to her command chair and sat down.

"Damage to the facility?"

Kim responded. "None, Captain. The building's shields are impervious to phaser fire."

Janeway got up again and started pacing. "Where did it get the power to catch and hold us like this? There wasn't enough. We checked it. There wasn't enough. "

B'Elanna didn't answer.

Janeway felt her left hand clutching, and made herself sit down in her command chair again, loosening her grip and placing her fingers carefully on the armrest. She stared blindly at the viewscreen, watching Paris and Tuvok maneuver through the debris, taking pointless shots at the facility. She wanted them here on Voyager. She wanted her entire command team on Voyager right now. The responses of the beta team were acceptable, but slow. They weren't used to combat. They weren't used to being caught. She tried to stop the thoughts from coalescing, but she couldn't help from turning and looking at the empty seat to her left. She couldn't stop the images of the past from filtering through her mind.

She jerked her head up, caught by a memory. "Shut down all power except emergency in Sickbay. Shields down. Leave incoming communications open and sensors online. But everything else comes down, now."

Only B'Elanna risked the question. "Captain?"

"Akido. One of Commander Chakotay's favorite sports." She smiled to herself, remembering how he always complained about the activity, and the night he'd hurt his shoulder. " It's using our own power against us. That's where the power to hold us is coming from. We need to shut down."

Janeway turned and looked at her Chief Engineer. "B'Elanna, think about it. The technology is reactive, not aggressive. It can't fire independently, it can only fire back . The tractor beam's the same. Somehow, it's gaining strength from our power. Voyager got caught in a loop of her own making. We should have pulled out immediately. It wasn't strong enough to hold us then. It is now. Shut down."

Janeway watched as her ship went dead, drifting in space. They had maybe two, perhaps three hours before Environmental would have to be restored or they'd all die, suffocating pointlessly in a godforsaken part of space the way hundreds of other ships had. If Tuvok were here, he could give her the precise number of minutes. It didn't matter. If she'd guessed wrong, they'd be dead in seconds. Even one shot from the building would destroy them without shields.

"Report."

Kim responded. "The power in the tractor beam's lowered by….9.85 - . It's working, Captain."

"B'Elanna?" Janeway didn't bother to elucidate. She knew the Klingon would understand.

"Five hours, at my best guess. And it's just a guess, estimating the rate of absorption of power, and the rate of decay we just saw. It'll take five hours before it loses enough power for us to break free."

Janeway looked away from her Chief Engineer. They both knew they wouldn't survive that long without bring Environmental back online. And that meant they'd be back in the loop of losing energy again and caught eternally in the tractor. She left the thought unspoken and changed the direction of her commands. "It's a start. It gives us time to identify some alternatives and it gives the reconnaissance team time to get back here and get us the data."

No one responded. Janeway sat immobile, and waited, her mind running over all the alternatives. There weren't many.

It was a half hour later when Kim broke into the dark silence that had settled on the Bridge. "Sackajawea is off planet. They're in hailing range - now."

"It's about time. Janeway to Chakotay."

"Hendrickson here, Captain."

Janeway paused. "Where's Commander Chakotay?"

Hendrickson avoided the question. " Captain, are you all right? We have the information, and plans of the building. Can you accept transmission?" It was clear Hendrickson was confused by the way Voyager was drifting, dead in space.

Kim shook his head in the affirmative, indicating he was prepared. Janeway opened a channel to Tuvok. She needed to make sure they had a back-up.

"Hendrickson, send the data simultaneously to Lt. Tuvok and to us… now."

Janeway barely heard the acknowledgements. She waited silently until she was sure the transmission was in progress and then came back to the immediate problem. "Hendrickson, are you damaged?"

"Shields are down to 70%, Captain. All other systems operating."

Janeway responded. "Stay out there. Don't try to get back to Voyager. Set up an evasive pattern, out of direct line of fire from the installation, and don't make any aggressive moves. You'll be safe as long as you don't fire against the building. Do you understand?"

"Captain, we know about feedback loop on phaser fire. But can't it fire independently?"

"No. You're safe as long as you don't fire or come near us. Do you understand?"

"Acknowledged."

Janeway watched through the view screen as Hendrickson hid in the wreckage of dead ships and Tuvok and Paris used their shuttles as blockades to protect Sackajawea. The planet stayed silent.

Janeway kept talking. She needed answers now and the channel was as secure as they were going to get. "What happened down there?"

Hendrickson replied. "It was a trap, Captain. The Commander called it a spider web. The installation's automatically programmed to destroy or contain ships passing by. We got in, and got into the databanks, and then it started to attack us inside and to raise shields. Dalby managed to transport us out through a hole in the building that momentarily caused a break in the shields. Aki's been hurt. He's stable, but he needs medical attention soon."

She asked the question she was dreading the answer to again. "Where's Commander Chakotay?"

He paused, and finally said, "On the planet. He was able to get back in before the shields completely closed. He thinks he knows how to bring them down from the inside. He said you'd know what to do."

Of course she knew what to do if he was able to bring down the shields. Order Paris, Tuvok, and Hendrickson to blast the thing to dust, with Chakotay in it. It wasn't an acceptable option. "B'Elanna, get on the transporters. Now. Leave the tractor. We have to get through that atmosphere."

Janeway started to initiate a link to Paris and then stopped herself. She couldn't send a shuttle back down there. Voyager was a sitting duck; she couldn't fire, she couldn't power-up without the installation using it to its advantage. The shuttles had to stay in space. The shuttles were the only option they had of destroying the building and breaking Voyager free. Even if Chakotay did manage to lower the shields, Voyager would still be stuck in the tractor, unable to fire. The shuttles would be needed to take it out. But there had to be another way to lower the shields without an internal saboteur.

"Transmission complete."

Janeway jerked out of her abstraction. She hit the comm button to the shuttles. "Tuvok, get on the shield composition. See if there's anything in the data that will help us stop the feedback and get through them to the building."

She turned back to the alpha team on Voyager. "Harry, get back on the tractor beam. See if there's anything in that data, anything at all, that might clue us into the way they're using our power."

She had to stay calm, to think through the problem logically. Disadvantage: she had a man down on the planet. Disadvantage: the transporters weren't operational through the atmosphere. Disadvantage: she couldn't send a shuttle. Disadvantage: she couldn't power up Voyager without the installation benefiting. Disadvantage: the ship was caught in a tractor beam of unknown composition. Disadvantage: firepower was useless against the shields of the facility. Disadvantage: the installation could use attacks against it to its benefit. Advantage: she had three shuttles, free, armed and operational, ready to help. Advantage: they had data about the installation's structure and the military strengths of the planet. Advantage: she had an expert team who had years of experience in making instantaneous, creative calls on how to work in crisis situations. Advantage: she had a man in the facility who might be able to bring down the shields.

She shook her head, annoyed at herself. Too many damned details. She wasn't thinking clearly. Overall goals: 1. identify and obtain the data they needed to get through this area of space safely; and 2. do so. They had accomplished the first; they were working on the second. Current objectives: 1. get Voyager out of the tractor intact; 2. get her crewmember off the planet equally intact. As Janeway ran scenarios through her mind, she realized the latter two objectives were probably mutually exclusive. They were going to run out of time.

Stop. She had to stop the distractions. Resolution: Identify possible methodologies to accomplish each objective and assign personnel to accomplish such. Objective one- get Voyager out of the tractor -: Option 1. Solve the technology of how the tractor beam works and beak free directly. Personnel: all of ops, Harry, and most of Engineering. Option 2. Identify a method to break through the shields and blast the thing to hell, making sure Voyager was safe from the explosion. Personnel: Tuvok, all of Security, and the shuttles. Option 3. Bring down the shields through internal sabotage and blast the thing to hell. Personnel: Chakotay and the shuttles.

Objective two -get Chakotay off planet intact, or at least out of the installation intact. One thing at a time. Option 1: Find a way to transport him out. Personnel: B'Elanna and half of Engineering. Option 2: Convince him to try to leave the way he got in. Personnel: none. She hadn't though it through. She needed communications with the planet. She needed to connect….connections.

"Harry, is there any way we can use the tractor beam's strength against it?"

"Captain?"

" Connections work both ways. Why can't we reverse the tractor beam's effect? It's taken power from us, why can't we use the connection to benefit us?"

"Captain, I don't under-"

"Try communication with the planet. See if there's any way we can use the tractor beam to enhance communication and break through the static. Use the tractor beam's frequencies and piggy back off the loop in the power. We need to be able to contact Commander Chakotay."

B'Elanna looked up, startled. " If that works with…"

Janeway finished… "communications, it might work with the transporter and it might enable us to * reconnect* with our own power and help us break free."

Torres shook her head. "For transporters and power the shields will still be a barrier. We'll have to target ..I.. Dalby's 'gap'. Torres to Sackajawea."

"Hendrickson here."

Torres ignored him. "Dalby, where was the gap? How did Chakotay get back in? Even if you only brought down the shields for seconds, there might still be a weakness there, something we can capitalize on."

There was silence from Sackajawea. Hendrickson finally said, "I blew a hole in what looks like a door in the building specs. The location's in the data…on… section 1.7 document 6. I think there's a tie in between the building composition and the shields stability. That's where Dalby got through with the transport and how we broke through with phasers."

Torres responded. "Dalby? What's the structural and chemical composition?"

Hendrickson finally replied. "Dalby's not here."

Janeway broke in. "Report, damn it. Now."

She could hear Hendrickson swear quietly over the comm line, even as she mentally assigned him to hell and back again.

"He's down on the planet. Dalby set up the site to site for Chakotay and connected the commands to the Commander's comm badge. But.. well, Dalby didn't think it was going to work that way. We beamed the Commander to just outside the facility, created the gap, and then before I could take off, Dalby grabbed two Environmental suits and left the shuttle. He said that he thought direct human control of the site to site might give the Commander a fighting chance." He paused, and then continued. "B'Elanna, he used Getti."

Janeway broke in. "What the hell is Getti?"

Hendrickson stayed silent. Torres finally looked at the Captain and commented, "Getti was a mission. Dalby, Hendrickson…. a number of others were caught. Chakotay broke them all out eventually, but not before Dalby managed to save Hendrickson's life. It's a long story."

Janeway snorted incredulously. "You're saying this was all about paybacks?"

Torres shook her head. "Yes. No. Sort of. About loyalty. It's the Maquis way. Hendrickson owed Dalby, Dalby owed Chakotay." She shrugged, all the while continuing to work frantically at her station, her eyes avoiding Janeway's.

Hendrickson broke in. "Captain, Dalby asked me not to tell you now because he thought the odds of anything working were impossible. He didn't want to distract you and he didn't want you to try to save him. He just wanted to give Chakotay every possible chance. He figured that if they did make it, they'd find a way to contact the ship. And I have the coordinates of where Dalby and the site to site are located. He said to tell you after you broke Voyager free."

Janeway rubbed her hand on her forehead, biting back the words of anger. She kept to the point; kept to her original train of thought. Objective two - option 3. Dalby, by some miracle, might be able to pull Chakotay out of the fire, even if they did destroy the installation.

She stared at B'Elanna, who finally looked back up at her, and watched Torres shake her head. She could tell B'Elanna was struggling to get the words out.

"I'm sorry, Captain, but it's practically impossible. Dalby's good; he's one of the best I've ever seen with transporters. They're his specialty. He knows them. But this is a long shot. And if by some miracle he does it, they won't last long even with the enviro suits. "

Janeway shook her head, ignoring Torres' assumptions and concentrated on the facts and the possibilities. Option 3, however unlikely, was still an option. Dalby might be able to get him out.

But now she had a third objective. She had two crew down on the planet, not one. Damn the Maquis anyway.

She broke away from her distraction, and said mildly, gritting her teeth, "Hendrickson, if there's anything else you've… accidentally neglected to tell me, I suggest you mention it now."

"Uhh.."

"Now, Ensign."

The unspoken threat seemed to have an effect. Hendrickson replied, "There was the corpse. Chakotay seemed to think it was important."

She didn't have to threaten this time. Hendrickson seemed to understand that he needed to get it out quickly. "We found a dead alien at the door. Chakotay believed it was positioned there deliberately. He said it was the first evidence we had that the unknowns were alive, and deliberately orchestrating the attacks."

Terrific. Disadvantage: infinite. Live beings were planning the attacks and wanted Voyager to know.

Janeway felt her anger grow and tried to ignore the implications. Live or dead didn't matter in the overall scheme of the objectives. That could wait. But she couldn't help herself from thinking that 'live' was the first positive thing she'd heard all day. It meant she'd eventually be able to find a way to hold someone accountable for the last three months and for this debacle, one way or another. She would make them pay for it. Through her anger, it occurred to her that her XO would object to the concept of revenge if he was here. She stopped the anger and stopped the thought.

"Captain, I've got a link. I parlayed comm along the tractor. It worked."

Janeway watched Torres scramble towards Kim, analyzing the implications of what he'd done in with communications in respect to the transport problem. Janeway turned away and looked at the viewscreen, steeling herself for the conversation.

Chakotay looked at her calmly, breaking in before she could comment. "Two minutes, Captain."

She found the most flippant tone she could drum up, and commented, "Get out of there, Chakotay. Heroics are unnecessary, even if you are genetically inclined. We'll find another way."

He smiled. "I've never believed in dramatics, Kathryn. You know that. It's not my style."

She turned away from the view screen for a moment, trying not to remember anything. "The hell they aren't. You've always been a sucker for the tragic hero role."

"Actually, I was hoping Voyager had come up with yet another brilliant maneuver." He looked down at the console and suddenly looked back up again. His smile disappeared. "But this was bound to happen eventually." His expression turned serious. " You were right about that; you were right about all of it. I'm sorry it took me so long to figure it out."

She stared back. "We can get solve this without you inside. Get out of there. We'll work it out from there."

He shook his head. "Kathryn, you've got one minute forty-five seconds. There's no way out except for transporters. The second I activate the programs to bring down the shields, the facility's internal security is going to engage. I won't be able to get back to the gap." He paused, and then said, " And from the sound of it, transporting doesn't appear to be an option right now."

" Listen to me, damn it. We've figured out communications, and B'Elanna's on the transporters. We can use the building's technology against it. There's no need for urgency. Stand down."

He shook his head. "I can't. I set the program to automatically engage - just in case I was killed by the internal security."

She damned him silently for picking now, of all times, to follow procedure. "Disengage."

"If I do that, it'll still affect the program. It'll know I'm here. And I might not get a second chance. Do you have another way to bring down the shields?"

Her silence told him what he needed to know. She realized he must have seen the horror in her eyes when he said, "It's all right, Kathryn."

He continued. "You have to take advantage of the options that are available. And right now, in this situation, I'm not your last option- I'm your best option. Don't negate the possibilities. Sixty seconds. Beginning count …"

Tuvok broke into the conversation from his shuttle. "All shuttles : phasers at 94.4 variance." Janeway watched as the order to reconfigure went out over the comm, and waited. Tuvok explained. "Captain, I believe this will enable the phasers to break through the shields. Firing on your command."

"Chakotay stand down. We have a way through the shields." She watched as he reset the program, then issued the order to fire.

"Report."

Kim's response of " no effect" occurred simultaneously with Torres' order. "Tuvok, send it though the gap."

Janeway let both comments stand without reaction as she watched the shuttles try again.

Kim finally gave her the response she was dreading. "Installation's shields down to 40%. Good, but not enough to get through to the building."

She watched as Chakotay was attacked from within the building, BY the building. He dove under the console. "Kathryn, we've set off the internal defenses. We're out of time. Engaging program… now." He looked back at her briefly, "Tell Kolopac, well, you know what to do. Thank you … for everything." Then he cut the link. She watched as the screen turned static.

"Shields down, Captain."

"B'Elanna?"

"I need more time, damn it. I … I can't break through, Captain. Transporters still not operational."

Kathryn Janeway stared at the screen. "All shuttles engage firing."

She watched silently as the building was engulfed by flames.

Section 11

Janeway stared at her desk terminal, rubbed a hand across her eyes, and swore at the validity of the theory of diminishing returns. It had been six hours since she'd watched the planet go up in flames and she'd pulled Voyager out of the ensuing debacle; six hours since she'd barricaded herself in her Ready Room; six hours since she'd sent out every shuttle Voyager had to the coordinates Hendrickson had provided. Since then, they'd been covering the area inch by inch with scans and on-site away teams; with everything she could throw at the planet technically, always moving in an ever broadening circle. She knew what the lack of results meant. Every step, every kilometer they moved farther away from the coordinates meant there was less chance of rescue. There was still no sign of her crew. She was running out of time… again. The enviro suits on the shuttle were designed for six hour stints in hostile climates. At her most optimistic guess, given the conditions on the planet, humans could survive another half-hour in the open after the suits became useless.

The planet's atmosphere hadn't tolerated the destruction they'd thrown at it in the process of nullifying the installation. The firestorm had been staggering - exploding miles up into the sky and in all directions. She looked out the viewscreen at the planet where the burning continued; the orange flames visible even now from hundreds of miles off planet. Obviously, the debris of the original destruction had still been volatile. She took little pleasure in the thought that so much was burnt now.

She looked away from the planet and rubbed her neck, trying to ease the cramp that had settled into her left shoulder, and reviewed the last six hours again. She had to be sure she hadn't missed anything, that she'd ordered everything possible to see them through this debacle successfully.

Voyager had taken a hit from the feedback loop of the tractor beam when they blew up the installation. Her first priority had been to get repair crews onto the worst of the damage. She pulled up an update from the terminal, relieved to note that the work was ahead of schedule. Most systems were operational again. Another six hours and the majority of the repairs would be complete.

An equally high priority was to locate her crew on the planet. The firestorm had made all sensor activity impossible from Voyager. They couldn't see a thing down there. She'd ordered Tuvok back to Voyager, had Hendrickson beam Aki to Sickbay, and then sent all the shuttles back down to the planet. Paris was in charge of search and rescue.

She remembered briefly the moment when Tuvok had called it a search and recovery mission. She'd nearly taken his head off for the error. But she hadn't been able to look Tuvok in the eyes since. She'd walked off the Bridge and barricaded herself in her Ready Room. She could oversee operations here as well as anywhere else.

The firestorm was hampering search efforts on the ground and in the planet's atmosphere. There were two teams onsite, walking the coordinates where Dalby should be. The shuttles were scanning the planet, as well as they could, in ever widening circles, looking for lifesigns. But there was nothing. Nothing. She thought about it again. There was literally nothing. No bodies, no bones, no transporter remains. The fires were terrible, but there should be something. Dalby had been a kilometer away from the installation when it blew.

There was nothing left of the building. It was ash, not even enough was left to call it a ruin. If Chakotay had made it out, it had been through the site to site. They'd either find him with Dalby, or … she wasn't going to consider any other alternative. She'd find them both. She knew it. She just needed to keep working. She'd kept B'Elanna working on the transporter problem and Kim focused on clearing up the sensor problem on Voyager. Tuvok had tried to object, but she'd shut him out, refusing to listen to his concerns.

She thought about the moment the building had exploded, reliving it again. B'Elanna had reported a surge of power in the transporter , and for one brief, heart-stopping moment she'd thought they'd pulled off the impossible and managed to transport Chakotay out. But they hadn't. Not that way, anyway.

She knew what Tuvok thought - the fires were too strong; the chances that Chakotay or Dalby had made it were infinitesimal. She didn't care what he thought. He was wrong. She repeated her thoughts. The fires were terrible, but there should be something. The only explanation was that Dalby had survived long enough to move. He'd moved, and he hadn't been able to contact them… which meant he was still down there somewhere, with an enviro suit that was going to decay momentarily. And she was going to find Chakotay with him.

Stop. She had to keep focused on the objectives. The unknowns - the Eckotonians ; she had a name for them now -were alive. They were out there somewhere, either hiding in the spatial wreckage or on their way back to the planet. Tuvok and all of Security were working nonstop to find them.

She wanted to find them. She wanted to make someone pay for all of this insanity. She felt the anger and adrenaline rush through her system and stood up, agitated. She walked over to the viewscreen and watched as the planet continued to burn. She crossed her arms, and closed her eyes, trying to calm her breathing. Images of finding one of their ships, of blasting it to splinters, coalesced in her mind. She shook her head, appalled, and opened her eyes. Revenge wasn't the answer. That was the way to madness. She looked down again at the planet as it burned and turned away, disgusted with herself. Who was it - Nero, that was the name. All she needed was a fiddle and she be a case for comparison. She had people down there. She had brought Voyager to the planet to find a safe way out of this space - to save lives, not to exact vengeance.

Objective: locate the Eckotonians so that she could protect Voyager from any further attacks. Personnel: Tuvok and all of Security.

She sat back down at her terminal. The final priority was to sort through the data they'd gotten from the planet. They needed to know how the planet had been destroyed and who was out there - what the military strengths still were, and what they could expect. She knew a lot of it now, but not enough, still not nearly enough. She pulled up the executive summary of the data Research had sent her, analyzing the history once again.

It was a common story; so damned common. They'd seen it over and over again in the Alpha quadrant and now here in the Delta quadrant; a planet that had been vibrant, alive with growth - arts, culture, beauty, a developing technology - alive with possibilities. The people had developed sufficiently to explore the space around them. They'd begun to dream. And then the underside, the dark part of every civilization that always existed, had taken over. Every people faced that challenge. They'd developed the ability to destroy themselves and they hadn't been able to stop it. Exploration stopped and the policy of isolationism began. The space installations became militaristic functions. The factionalism in governments overcame compromise. War broke out between two powerful extremists groups. In the end, they'd destroyed themselves.

The specifics didn't matter. Hatred had won out. They hadn't been able to meet the challenge of living. A common story.

She shook her head, thinking. The end must have come in minutes - most of the population probably never knew what hit them. It was a heartbreaking end to a tragic story.

She brought her thoughts back to the point. The destruction would have occurred too quickly for any of the population to escape off planet. That meant that the only Eckotonians who had survived the holocaust had been stationed in the military installations in space. She looked over the file again. The installations had been automated - used to monitor and contain external threats from other races who entered the space - and coordinated from the planet, for the most part, from facilities like the one that had attacked Voyager.

Each faction of government on the planet had had their own ships and safe stations. But the focus of the governments had been internal, not outward looking. There hadn't been many installations or ships. She scanned the file Research had sent. It was there at the bottom… what looked like the rosters. Twenty beings. If their analysis was correct, twenty beings had survived the devastation a hundred years ago. Twenty out of three billion.

And that's where the written record ended. From what they could surmise, at least some of those twenty had stayed and repaired the facility on the planet and many of the automated ships over the years. They had even enhanced the ships, if the readings of the data were accurate. Voyager had run into more sophisticated technology than what the data indicated was possible when the planet had been destroyed.

Someone was out there still defending the space of a dead civilization. That someone had deliberately attacked Voyager again and again. That someone had reorganized all the files left from the planet to tell a sad story in a sick, perverted logic. That someone wanted Voyager to know it was alive. That someone was insane.

Twenty beings. A hundred years…how many of them were still out there? How many children had been born to live a sick plan of paralysis? To live in regret and memories of the past?

Where were they? And what were they planning?

She had to focus. She had to get her crew back and then she could…

Janeway kept her head down determinedly, staring at the terminal as the door to her Ready Room opened unannounced. She didn't want to hear Tuvok's concerns. She preempted the Vulcan. "Status on the search for the Eckotonians. "

Kes' voice replied calmly, " I don't know, Captain. Perhaps you should go out onto the Bridge and ask. You've been working for twenty hours now. And Neelix says you haven't eaten. Perhaps it might be best to take a break."

Janeway looked up and stared at Kes in astonishment. Only Chakotay had ever had the gall to question whether she'd... oh god.

Kes had Kolopac with her.

She closed her eyes. "I can't do this right now, Kes. I need to focus on the search. Can you keep him for a while? I can't take care of him right now."

Kes replied, "Kolopac's fine, Captain. He doesn't know what's happening. He's too young. But I think you need him. You've been in here alone for almost eight hours. And it's not been an easy day."

Janeway opened her eyes and looked at the chronometer.. eight hours.. it wasn't possible. Eight hours. The window was gone. The universe had gone on, ignoring her, while she'd been "assessing" the objectives, fighting against impossible odds.

She had crew down on the planet that had been searching a full day, long past what their enviro suits could handle. She could only speculate on what safety measures Tuvok and Paris had concocted in order to adhere to her commands and yet keep the away teams safe. She'd been pushing the Voyager team for well over two shifts now to find something that wasn't possible - an answer to the problems in the atmosphere. She'd..

Kes broke into her thoughts, commenting, "I'll just leave him in the crib. He's sleepy now. I don't think he'll be very difficult. I've fed him and he's ready for bed." Janeway watched as Kes walked through the room, placing Kolopac carefully into his crib.

"Good night, Captain." Kes left without looking back.

Good night. Night. It was night on the planet now. Her teams were hampered by the flames, hampered by the smoke and the winds, and now they were hampered by the darkness that had set in. It was a measure of how good, how excellent her crew was, that they had continued against all odds in the face of unreasonable orders. It was a measure of how much they cared about Chakotay, and perhaps how much they cared about her. They deserved better than a Captain who was obsessing on the impossible.

She hit the comm link. "Tuvok."

"Captain?"

She swallowed. "Status changed to search and recovery. Bring the shuttles home. Divert… " She stopped. "Focus all efforts on repair and on defense; they're out there somewhere still. I know it. All personnel who've been on two shifts straight are to be relieved." She paused, and then said, "Tuvok, you're in command for the next six hours. I'll be in my Ready Room. "

"Captain…I am sor-"

"Janeway out."

She closed down the link and walked over to Kolopac's crib. He was asleep on his back, his small fist laid up against his mouth, his head turned towards the left, toward the viewscreen. She turned his head away from the still burning light on the planet. The overhead lights in her Ready Room were dull, institutional, supposed to be soothing. They'd always annoyed her - she'd never thought they provided enough light. But Kolopac had grown up with them on; during all the hours she and Chakotay had worked while he was sleeping. They wouldn't bother him now.

What had she done?

She stood up, fighting the sensation of nausea as her gut turned over. Too much coffee, not enough food, too little sleep… it all came back to her, the number of times he'd harassed her about her bad habits.

She took deep breaths, trying to stay calm. At what point did she make the mistakes? What could she have done to stop this, to prevent this? A million different small decisions, changes in path - none of them would have made any difference. Once they'd committed to investigating the planet, the road had been set. He hadn't wanted to come here. But she'd made the call. She thought it through. It had been the right decision. They knew how to get out of the space now; she could protect Voyager and they could continue on.

They were going to have to continue on. She'd known this day would come eventually. They both had. She could have led the team herself… she stopped the thought. If she had, they probably wouldn't have gotten the data, or she'd be the one that was gone. She had to stop questioning herself.

She looked back at Chakotay's son. Kolopac was looking more like his father everyday. Bronze skin, dark hair… and he was a big child for his age, he'd grow into a powerful man. God, she'd promised she'd teach him about his heritage. What did she know? She'd never asked about any specifics. She'd been too busy keeping her distance, trying to stay in control for this day. What idiocy. She'd lost the chance to know so much more… to have so many more memories. What could she say to Kolopac as he grew older? That she'd loved his father but never told him? That she'd tried .. that she'd succeeded in keeping her distance? For what? She felt regret wash over in her waves as she damned herself for her stupidity. What could she do for the boy; how was she supposed to raise him… she'd spent most of her life successfully avoiding emotional connections. How was she supposed to parent him? To teach him what was right, to tell him about his father, to guide him effectively?

What the hell was Kes thinking to bring him into her now? She couldn't… Kes had said something about her needing Kolopac. She did need Kolopac, but even more she needed Chakotay right now.

She stopped herself. If Chakotay were here right now, he'd stop this train of thought. She could hear him saying over and over in the last six months that things would work themselves out; that it would be all right. If he were here, he'd understand what she'd done and he'd forgive her. What was it he'd said… she'd know what to do.

She'd know what to do? What did she know about parenting? She was a Starship captain; more to the point, she was a scientist and someone who'd spent most of her life avoiding the kind of connections Kolopac needed; things Chakotay knew instinctively how to do. She'd never told Chakotay that - told him how much she appreciated his way with people; how much she relied on it. How much more had she neglected to say?

If it was her epitaph, she'd know what to say. She'd been an adequate Captain, a good scientist, and a lousy lover. Until she'd met Chakotay, she hadn't understood all the possibilities - her own strengths, her own limitations, and how she could learn from them both and enhance them -that existed in a partnership. With him, she'd learned to accept who she was because they'd been building something together that worked for them both, acknowledged who they both were and how they could complement each other. That was gone now.

She had to remember for them both because of the child. Kolopac needed a parent with both of their skills - one who could look to the future and be unafraid, who was willing to explore new possibilities in life, not try to control it all. He needed a parent who wasn't distant because of regret.

She swore at the irony of it all. She'd told Chakotay all of that, what seemed like years ago, when he'd first brought Kolopac on Voyager. She hadn't understood what she'd asked of him. She did now. She could do no less for the child now than what she'd forced on Chakotay then.

She'd find out what she didn't know; she'd teach him what she could. It was what Chakotay would have expected. She would be the kind of parent Kolopac needed. She'd find a way. She corrected herself. She'd try to be the parent Kolopac needed. They'd learn from there, together. She was done with second-guessing the universe. She'd learned that much, at least.

And she was done with second-guessing herself.

She picked the boy up, holding him close to her chest, and sat down in her chair. She'd do the best she could.

Kolopac finally shifted sometime in the ship's early morning. He was irritated with her control over his movements. He didn't want to be held. He wanted to be in his own crib, sleeping comfortably and easily, free to move without restraints. She smiled at the irony, even as she released him and put him into the crib in her Ready Room.

She understood now that no one could live happily or easily without acknowledging and embracing fully the bonds of all types of commitment. Kolopac could sleep easily now, feeling safe, because of Voyager and her crew, because he instinctively understood that there was a family to support him. She'd make sure his childhood and its security lasted as long as she could.

She finally contacted Kes. The Ocampan treated the interaction as normal, as she took Kolopac away to get established with the next set of crew assigned to oversee his day.

Janeway sat back down in her chair behind her desk, staring out at the viewscreen.

Death was normal as well. It's aftermath was what was surreal for the survivors. The minute, miniscule, mundane details of the day eventually forced one back into the reality of living after the loss; details that seemed illusory even as one went through the motions. How many times had she felt this way? Too many to remember. The aftermath of death was so grim because life went on, calmly and coherently. One reminisced with friends about the memories, and spoke to oneself about the implications silently , and still life continued on, changing for all that were left. The world ought to be frozen, silent, locked up in a paralysis of what had gone before. But it wasn't. It continued on. They all did, eventually.

She grimaced. And so, she was facing the mundane, perhaps the most frightening of her demons. Death was often a time when others stopped to review - a time for religion, or philosophy or poetry. She shook her head. She wasn't centered spiritually the way Chakotay had been. Perhaps if she was, this would be easier. As for the rest… well, what was it Chakotay had said? Philosophy wasn't her strong point. Neither was poetry.

She had people who needed her. Right now, she needed to get on with the minutia of living, no matter how artificial it seemed. Her connection to Chakotay was one that would be with her for the rest of her life. She didn't need to think it all through now. She couldn't.

She contacted Tuvok.

The Vulcan entered immediately. He'd clearly been waiting for the call. Janeway swallowed, suddenly realizing that she didn't know where to begin.

Tuvok stood at ease in front of her desk, waiting for her to begin. He finally broke the silence. "I am sorry for your loss, Captain."

His comment was simple and to the point.

"Thank you." It was a simple response that acknowledged all of the implications. The time for prevarication was over.

She looked away. " I was wrong to … disagree so strongly with your assessment earlier. You were correct in your analysis of the situation."

"My comment was untimely. I apologize for the error."

Just once, she felt the need to delay discussion of the command issue at hand. There was another question that seemed more important to her. "Tuvok, do you know that if I die Chakotay has left you guardian of his son?"

Tuvok nodded seriously. "The Commander asked me if I would agree to guardianship last month. I accepted. But he never told me why he'd chosen the way he had."

"He thought you understood a lot about tradition. He thought you could help Kolopac learn that."

Tuvok finally commented, "I understand."

She looked up. " Will you help now, Tuvok ? I've never paid much attention to tradition. I don't understand… the importance it plays in some cultures, or its ramifications. Can you .. would you help me explain it to Kolopac as he grows?"

She watched the Vulcan turn away for a moment and then felt relief as he responded. "I would be honored."

"Thank you."

She'd almost forgotten Tuvok was there because of the silence. She'd been thinking about Kolopac and Chakotay and the past and the future. She started when the Vulcan commented, "Captain, your orders were correct."

"Come again?"

"You were correct to order the exploration of this area of space and to order the search of the planet. Your actions have been appropriate, professional and logical."

She kept her eyes focused on the viewscreen, away from the Vulcan. "I left three away teams on that planet long after they should have been brought home. It was irresponsible, no matter how much I wanted the results to be different."

"I disagree, Captain. You are not alone in the belief that search should be continued."

Janeway finally turned back to face the Vulcan, forcing herself to listen. "I may have been distracted, Tuvok, but not that distracted. I'm certain I heard you state some concerns about sending the shuttles back down."

"I did suggest caution in sending all three shuttles back to the planet. Given the facility's destruction, the probability is high that the builders will return. At the time, Voyager was not fully operational, nor had we analyzed all of the data retrieved from the facility. I believed it was prudent to retain a shuttle to help with Voyager's defense. It was not my intent to question the priority placed on the search."

"I see." She grimaced, acknowledging the error. "You were correct. I should have placed more emphasis on Voyager's defense."

"It is irrelevant. The builders have not yet appeared, and nothing further has threatened the ship. In retrospect, your prioritization of the search over defense was the correct choice."

"Tuvok?"

"Captain, it is highly probable that Commander Chakotay died in the explosion of the facility. Ensign Dalby's death is another question entirely. There should be physical evidence. His complete disappearance, and that of the transporter, is inexplicable. Had you not ordered a comprehensive search, we would not be able to make such an assessment. The lack of evidence would have been attributed to delay and the continued burning."

"Your recommendation?"

The Vulcan stared at her calmly. "I have no recommendation on this particular issue beyond what I have stated. The search for evidence should continue. We should not leave here without investigating fully the facts concerning Dalby's disappearance."

"Acknowledged." There was nothing new in his comments from what she'd thought before. But they'd looked, they'd tried, and there were no results.

Tuvok wasn't finished. "Captain, as the commanding officer left in charge, I have acted on these premises. I countermanded your orders to discontinue the search on the planet. I accept full responsibility. But due to my orders, Lt. Paris and his shuttle are still on the planet, searching for data."

"Why Paris?"

She blurted out the first thing that came to her, even as she did so realizing how tired she was. Then she forced her mind to concentrate. Tuvok could have easily brought the shuttles back and then sent out a beta team. The maneuver would have prevented him from countermanding her and yet continued the objective. Something else was going on.

"Lt. Paris and I agreed that the search would be unavoidably delayed if another team who did not have direct experience with the area were to take over."

She didn't buy it. Tuvok had trained the teams. They were experts. The transition would have been seamless. "And…"

The Vulcan looked almost exasperated and surprising worried. "And.. Voyager's crew is a human crew, Captain. In my experience, humans do not tolerate what they consider to be defeat until they have exhausted all possible options, and exhausted themselves in the process. This mission is a case in point. When I ordered Lt. Paris back to the ship, his arguments were at first logical, but ended with the comment: 'He's not getting out of it that easily.' I interpreted this to mean that Lt. Paris and the Commander had a connection that was close and also unresolved. Paris was unwilling to come back to Voyager; I was unwilling to put him on report or divert resources needed elsewhere to disciplinary actions. Because I believed it was in Voyager's best interests to continue to keep at least one shuttle searching the planet, I permitted Lt. Paris to continue to head the away team."

"Paris has always been -"

"Lt. Paris was not alone in his attitude. Lts. Kim and Torres, as well as many others who ... 'worked two shifts'… were relieved of duty as per your order, but still remain on the Bridge. I permitted this, but the Beta team is now in charge. Any of the Alpha team who wished to remain have agreed to serve as consultants to beta."

Janeway's mind refused to comprehend the personnel problems the Vulcan must have gone through to get her Alpha team to serve as 'consultants' to beta. If she hadn't issued the order for crew to be relieved, they'd have been far more efficient about the process. They'd have all just kept on working, as they wanted to. But she had issued the order, and Tuvok had found a solution..

Tuvok had had to take the lead of a group of humans who had just lost their XO in dangerous space while the CO was absent and yet had issued humane orders that were inherently inhuman. It had been an outrageous thing to ask of him, but he'd handled it well. It must have been incredibly difficult for him.

Her error had been simple; a reaction. She wasn't used to thinking through personnel problems any more. She was used to Chakotay being there to mitigate them and alert her to them. Chakotay would have stopped her from making the error of issuing the order. She could almost see it. Nothing would have happened; she'd have finally realized that and would have been annoyed. She'd call him into her Ready Room, and he'd cheerfully mumble something about misunderstanding her intent, all the while carefully explaining WHY it was clear the order was 'unnecessary' and that was, of course, why he'd misunderstood. And of course, she would have wanted to kill him, but in the end would have just agreed. It had always been easier to just agree when Chakotay was on a roll and the end results were expedient for the ship.

Tuvok hadn't been able to stop the order, but he'd managed to stop the damage.

She brought herself back to the present. "Tuvok, your understanding of human behavior is exceptional. Thank you. The situation must have been ... singularly trying. " She swallowed, acknowledging the reason for the change. "It's going to take us both a while to get used to him being gone. I'm sorry."

The Vulcan didn't pretend to misunderstand. "The Commander's knowledge of and ability to navigate political and emotional undercurrents was unique. I learned a great deal about human behavior from watching him. I will miss his consul. "

The comment almost made her smile. Knowing Tuvok as well as she did, she saw the annoyance and confusion in his expression, even as his facade maintained a very precise stoicism. She finally commented, "It was unique in mine as well."

She wanted to say more, to tell the Vulcan how important he was to her, how much his actions meant to her, how important he was to Voyager. But she knew from years of living on his planet, and from years of knowing Tuvok, that such comments would be uncomfortable and illogical to him. They would make HER feel better; not him. She wouldn't put him through the additional trial of having to tolerate more emotion.

The best she could do for him, and for Voyager, was to think through the logic of the problem at hand. Tuvok was right. The builders were either out there now, in the immediate space around them, hiding, or were on their way to the planet.

She got up from her desk and began to pace the room, forcing her mind to focus. "Probes?"

"There has been no incoming data indicating movement of any ships toward the planet . The space within ten light years of Voyager is static."

She turned away from the viewscreen and looked back at the Vulcan, shaking her head. "That doesn't…"

Tuvok interrupted. "It is the space within the nearest parsec that is dynamic. The debris movement is erratic and volatile. Captain, while you were off duty, we were able to determine the answers to a series of questions. The written history of this culture stops when the planet was destroyed. However, after detailed analysis of the data that Commander Chakotay sent back from the planet, we identified schematics of a defense plan that we are sure was designed after the planet's destruction and has continued to be updated consistently. The latest entry was 4.5 standard days ago."

Tuvok handed her a padd. She took it and began to scan the summary. He continued. "The data is obscure, protected, and technical. But our interpretation is that there were 58 remotes defending this area before Voyager entered the space. Their main power source was the facility. By our last estimate, Voyager destroyed at least ten of the remotes. The facility's destruction has rendered the rest of the remotes inoperable; they are currently drifting in space. However, we have also determined that there was a flagship that was able to enhance power to the remotes when they were too far from the planet and was clearly directing their movements. That ship is still missing."

"And it's not on its way here…which means…"

The Vulcan broke in, almost unheard of behavior for Tuvok. " - which means that it is likely that it is already here, and hiding from us."

She looked up from the data summarized on the padd, setting it down on her desk. "And waiting for us to make a mistake. Tuvok, are you SURE the probes are correct? There's no irregular movement outside this parsec?"

"There is a 97.5 % probability that the probes are correct, Captain. The space outside of this parsec is composed of large, regular bodies. It is only within this parsec that there are a large quantity of small objects. However, they continue to move with the predicted regularity we have seen for the last month and we can identify no power signatures. "

"So wherever the Eckotonians are, which is probably close by, they've been deliberately drifting, and keeping lifesigns to a minimum."

"That would be the logical interpretation."

"Methodology?" She didn't need to ask. She knew all of the options had been examined, but she also knew Tuvok needed to review his analysis of the approach. She waited, listening. She was surprised at his brevity when he finally replied.

"Sensors, long and short range. Lt. Kim was also able to identify additional communication and power nodes on the schematics. We have investigated those locations. All were enhancer sites, and rendered useless by the facility's destruction."

She leaned back against the front of her desk, standing with her arms supporting her, and faced the Vulcan as she summarized. " And so we still have a live ship out there close by whose technology is outside our experience that has control of 47 or so remotes."

"It is possible. The probability that the ship has complete control of the remotes, after the main power source's destruction, is not high, but the margin of error in that analysis is sufficient to merit Voyager's attention to the possibility. "

Janeway thought it through. They probably weren't out there, but Voyager still needed to pay attention to the possibility. They'd been here before, over and over again. Chakotay had wanted to break them out of the loop; she'd refused to consider the option. And now, again, she was facing the same situation, only this time she was the one who wanted to be done with the space and the problem. Her mind caught on a tangential piece of data… something she'd heard long ago. What was the phrase? "Echoes from beyond the grave."

"Captain?"

"It's nothing, Tuvok. I just finally remembered a piece of poetry." When the Vulcan looked confused, she grimaced and tried to articulate the connection of the thought to the problem at hand. "We've been here so many times since we entered this space. We've thought the story was over, but there's always been another variation. This is yet another echo."

Tuvok stared at her, his expression completely frozen.

"Tuvok?" She realized the inadvertent implications of her comment at the same moment his expression changed. She straightened, and began to pace the room again. "We need to track the echoes; the literal, real echoes of power in space. If you're right, and the flagship redirects power it absorbs to the remotes, then it's probable that the last power surges from the planet were sent to the flagship. If the Eckotonians were here, hiding, they would have tried to redirect the beams from the planet to the flagship and then to the remotes surreptitiously, making it all look accidental, as if the beams were simply echoing off debris randomly. But there would have to be a hidden pattern. We can find the flagship by tracing the last beams that came out of the facility that hit a piece of debris; debris that then sent random echoes of that power into space. "

Tuvok hit his comm badge. "Lt. Kim, check…."

Janeway didn't hear the last. She let the commands go by, knowing Tuvok would issue the necessary orders to the correct individuals.

He finally looked at her. "I am sorry, Captain. We should have thought of this earlier. It is an 'echo' of your idea that broke us out of the tractor. Your hypothesis is logical. The Eckotonian technology must absorb power passively and then redirect it to another location or purpose. The facility absorbed Voyager's power after we were caught in the tractor and redirected it. It is likely that the flagship served as a similar tool for the remotes."

She shook her head in agreement. "They're parasites; passively living off of the power of others and redirecting it for their own purposes. The facility was at least a willing host - designed and developed by the race. The Eckotonians probably started luring other species into this area when the power sources on the planet became insufficient to serve their energy needs in space."

She had barely finished the comment when she heard Kim's voice come through over Tuvok's comm badge. "Tuvok, we've located a piece of debris that took a beating from the aftershocks when the facility exploded, but without damage. The energy appears to have bounced off of it into space. "

"On our way." Janeway broke in. She and Tuvok headed onto the Bridge.

"Status."

Kim responded. "It's a small ship, Captain, similar in design to the others we've encountered. There's one lifesign. I don't think it knows we've identified it. "

Lifesigns… finally. Janeway wasn't sure how she felt about that; angry or finally victorious. " Lock on with the tractor. Let's return the local version of hospitality."

She watched in satisfaction as the alien ship stopped in its tracks. "Open a channel."

"Audio only, Captain. The alien is blocking visual. I can try to correct…"

"Open whatever you have."

She started to hail the alien, but it interrupted her. "You have violated Eckotonian space. Leave now."

Anger won out, fueled by the blatant arrogance of alien's attitude. "I didn't start this. But I am going to finish it. You're locked in our tractor. There's no way out. Try to power up and I'll destroy your ship. I promise to enjoy it."

She gestured to Kim to break the link and then looked back to Tuvok. "Get a Security team down to Sickbay and beam him onboard there. If he checks out medically, throw him in the Brig. B'Elanna, get a team onto that ship. I want to know everything that's in his database yesterday."

An hour later, the Doctor contacted her with the information that Tuvok was escorting the Eckotonian to the Brig.

Janeway was surprised at the brevity of the Doctor's comment. "I assume this means he checked out physically."

"In a manner of speaking."

"Doctor, just get to the point."

The Doctor replied, "He's dying, Captain. His physiology is unusual, but I would estimate that he's at least 130 years old. He's had limited physical care over the years resulting in arthritis in broken bones that haven't healed correctly, and multiple other problems. I've made him more comfortable, but the bottom line is that he's dying of old age."

"How long?"

"Another standard year, at most."

"Thank you. Janeway out." So, the alien was part of the original group that had watched the destruction of his planet. He'd probably been here ever since, reliving the horror on a daily basis. Why he had chosen to remain and more importantly, what she was going to do with him, were the last questions left. She got up and headed to the Brig. The sooner she got the interview over with, the sooner they could move on.

Section 12

Janeway walked into the cell, finally assessing the alien in person. He was shockingly human - there were few differences that could be detected without serious examination. She clarified her impression. He was more than human; he was the personification of what Starfleet wanted it's admirals to be physically, and what they never were. His body exuded power; his movements were careful and controlled.

He deliberately ignored her entrance and poured himself a cup of something she couldn't identify.

He was incredibly old. It seemed irrelevant. She tried to identify why he conveyed the impression of authority and elegance. His posture was firm and perfectly erect. His black clothing was precisely proportioned to his body. His medals were discreetly apparent even to one who was not of his race.

Even as he sat in her chair in her Brig, he gave the impression that he owned the space with which he came in contact. She turned the thought away, examining more of the specifics of his persona. His physical being was lean, very tall, and must have once been exceptionally muscled. Age had mitigated the latter image, but the residue of power was still there, perhaps more starkly visible in its decline because of the assurance with which he held himself. His white hair was cut in what Starfleet would consider a classic military style, pulled away from a face that was perfectly chiseled, the high cheek bones and strong jaw exemplifying the essence of what her race called human beauty in males.

Her mind refused to concentrate; instead remembering Chakotay in comparison. When Chakotay had died, he'd been un-classically handsome, a compelling and hardy man at the height of his power; strong and uncompromisingly solid and tall. He'd been controlled as well.

She looked carefully at the alien again. Chakotay's center had been different than this. There'd been a kindness underlying his power. This man had none of that. The alien had the assurance of someone who'd learned a craft; someone who'd been conditioned to portray the careful authority of military correctness. Chakotay, for all of his calm and solidity, had been like quicksilver, darting briskly from one issue to another, following his own moral code. The alien was like steel; nothing more than a product of his environment and training. He was a puppet honed to perfection from years of unwavering, unthinking adherence to rules and regulations. The thought, and the man, was disgusting.

Although the Eckotonian tried vigilantly to hide it, his hand shook slightly from age as he poured another glass of the liquid. She assumed he'd probably offer it to her. It was a classic response - the vanquished, un-vanquished, behaving as if there was nothing unusual with offering her hospitality in her own Brig. She admitted to a grudging amount of respect; he was the image of what she'd been trained to think of as powerful, perfect and correct - her with her background of Starfleet expectations of power and authority.

Then he looked up at her. The anger and hatred she saw in his albino eyes rushed over her in waves, even as she fought down a reaction. There was nothing to respect here; only something treat with disgust and disdain.

She rejected his offering of the liquid with her hand and stood in front of him, her hands on her hips, and fought down her anger - the anger he wanted her to feel. But she agreed to play his game of calm control. She'd learned it when she was a child. It was a plowman's game. She could play it against him. She knew the rules.

"Who are you and why did you attack us?"

The alien returned the offered glass back to the table in front of him. He picked up his own glass, and took a drink. His eyes deliberately assessed her; his gestures and expression indicating that she had failed some sort of test.

She ignored the implied insult and the insinuating assumption of command. She was too old, too experienced, and too tired for these sorts of games. She grimaced at the thought. The alien had lived far longer than she. The difference was he'd stopped somewhere along the line-he was trying to continue a path that had no thought, no growth, that refused to confront his anger and refused to confront change. She closed her eyes, appalled at her own instinctive understanding of his behavior. Perhaps, before Chakotay's death, they hadn't been so different. She filed the thought, saving it for later. His expression, and calm, was meant to undermine her control. She wouldn't let it happen.

"Your installations on the planet are destroyed. Your ships are destroyed. We have your flagship and we have you. There's nothing left. You're defeated; the game is over."

The alien finally responded. "That's apparent to all of us, Captain. I would like to know when you plan my execution."

Janeway shook her head in disgust. " You're right that the only question left is what to do with you. What happened to your people? By our calculations, there were twenty left a hundred years ago. My medical officer tells me that you were part of the original group. Where are the rest and your descendents?"

The alien leaned back in his chair, and looked at her calmly. "Do you mean to destroy them as well, Captain?"

She stared him down. "No. I have all the information I need to stop you and them from ever endangering this part of space again."

He took a sip of the liquid. "Then why do you care where they are?"

Janeway recognized the ploy. The alien was subtly interrogating her. She didn't fall into the trap. "My Chief Engineer is taking your ship apart piece by piece right now. We can do this the hard way and find what I need in your database, or you can cooperate and make it easier. I suggest you cooperate."

He shrugged. "Do what you want, Captain. You will anyway. But you won't find any evidence of any of my people left alive in the files."

"Why?" She paused, suddenly struck by the sick satisfaction she saw in his expression. "Never mind. You just answered. They're all dead. You're the only one left. What happened?"

She closed her eyes, her mind racing over the alternatives. "There were ten left from each side of your fight. You killed your opponents."

The alien looked surprised at the comment. "Of course. We were engaged in war, Captain. We won and so they died. You would have done the same."

She shook her head, sickened by the thought. "No. I wouldn't have. I would have tried to negotiate a truce. I would have tried to save what was left of my race and my culture."

The alien looked back at her calmly. "Then you would be among the dead, Captain. There was nothing to do except end it cleanly for both sides. It was the only alternative. There was a need for resolution. Our world was gone. There was nothing left for any of us except to know we were correct in the end. "

Janeway felt horror wash over her. Even after the planet had been destroyed, those who were left couldn't stop. They'd fought on after everything was gone. She finally asked, "Did all of your crew die in the attempt? What happened to the rest?"

The alien's eyes dulled, and he looked away from her. He finally commented, "Our orders were to defend our space. They tried to leave. It couldn't be permitted. It was dereliction of duty. I solved the problem."

She absorbed the words slowly, finally understanding that the alien was completely insane. He'd destroyed his species in his quest to fulfill his orders. He'd probably broken when he'd watched the destruction of his planet. After that, the one thing left in his mind had been to complete his mission. But … to exterminate the last of his race…and to seek vengeance and pointless redemption for a hundred years from other species who happened by…

She kept her expression controlled. She 'd found the alien's Achilles heel - he needed to talk, to be validated. His planet was dead, he'd been alone for decades. He wanted vindication. He saw her as military - as someone who would understand his insane adherence to protocol and affirm it. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

"*You* were derelict. Your orders were to defend this space, not to aggressively attack races you encountered, nor to invoke military sanctions against others of your species. Your interpretation of orders was incorrect. You have not been engaged in defense; you have been engaged in continual acts of aggression. If you were under my command, you would be stripped of your duties and stripped of rank. You have over-stepped your bounds. There is no excuse for dereliction of duty."

She saw shock and then a feral look appear in his eyes. None of the emotions lasted long. His mask was immediately back in place. He smiled carefully. "I would have expected you to understand, Captain. After all, your invasion into my space was nothing more than an 'act of aggression' portrayed as a defensive maneuver."

She started to break in, but he continued. "I've researched your travels. You're out here alone. You chose to come to my planet. You could have avoided the space. You didn't. What are you, Captain, except another version of what I am?"

She fought down the bile that came up at his words. He was right in some ways. Chakotay had asked her to leave the space; he'd wanted to take their chances outside of the area. And now he was dead. She'd argued that his approach would have delayed them and that the probability was that the alien would have followed them anyway and might have succeeded in destroying Voyager. From what she knew now, the alien could not have destroyed them. But she hadn't known that then.

But.. she had engaged in acts of aggression as a defensive maneuver. There was just enough truth in what the alien said to make her question herself - which was exactly what he wanted. She rejected the thought. He was playing power games - without any power. His only power came from style, attitude, and approach. If Chakotay were here, he'd see through the alien's machinations in a minute, and counsel her accordingly. But he wasn't here. She had to remember.

"I've won this battle. That's enough. It's more than you ever were or ever did. You've used my title with every comment you've made. But you know nothing about the ramifications of its importance. You've failed. You're not my equal; you never will be. You'll die the way you started; a minor cog in a bureaucracy; following orders and unwilling to understand the impact or their ramifications; unable to accept responsibility, justifying your self serving actions in an insidious way until you die."

The alien just looked amused. She finally commented, " Your stupidity will live long after your race is forgotten. Perhaps it will be the only legacy any of you leave. If I had my way, I'd be sure that it was."

She watched for a reaction and saw that she'd finally shaken the alien. She felt a perverse sort of satisfaction in the result. She waited, enjoying his discomfort.

He finally commented, "What do you intend to do with me?"

She breathed in deeply and then exhaled. " Not much. Your people are dead. I had intended to give you over to them, with a long discussion about 'defense', but that's pointless now. I can let you rot in my Brig, but then I'd have to tolerate your presence. I'd prefer to let you suffer somewhere else. And so, I plan to let you off at the next inhabited planet, preferably one that has experience with your 'defensive maneuvers' and let them decide what to do with you."

He finally looked at her directly. "That, of course, would enable me to come back here. I have a mission here. I will find a way to enforce it."

She shrugged. "Perhaps. My medical officer tells me that you're dying. You might not make it back. Your mission will end, one way or another. It doesn't matter to me when."

He stared at her. "I will not be sent away."

She smiled. "You have no choice. It's over."

The silence went on for what seemed an eternity. She had no idea why she stayed there, in the room watching him, as he moved, but she felt an obligation to watch. He finally commented, "I have my duties."

"You failed."

"I think we can negotiate."

"What could you possibly have that I might need? I have everything- your ship, the data on the rest of the remotes. Your planet's destroyed; your defense systems are useless. You're done with this destruction. You'll never 'defend' your planet again. What could you possibly have that I'd care about? "

He looked up at that, his eyes burning into her. "I have the coordinates of your crew on the planet."

She stiffened. She refused to consider the possibility. She knew he was evil and determined to shake her. He wasn't going to succeed. "They're dead."

"I hope so. I left them to die where you couldn't track them. I thought you'd come for them and I didn't want them to survive the experience. They needed to suffer." His words shook her confidence; they were spoken too earnestly, too sure. " I'm sure they are suffering, if they're still breathing. I doubt they are. But I think you're the type of race that cares about relics. You'll want the bones, the skin, the bodies… I know where they are."

He was lying. He had to be. In some sick, perverted part of his brain, he understood the importance of loyalty. He was playing her, she was sure of it. She turned away again, disgusted by the evidence of his insanity.

He continued. "I know about your transporter technology. It's ancient. And your sensors are built by children. I've had a hundred years to learn from the others that came here. I have. I beamed your crew to where I wanted them. You'll never find them. "

Janeway hit her comm badge. "B'Elanna, what's the status of the transporter technology on that ship?"

"It's unbelievable, Captain. I was just checking to-"

"Check the data onboard. Is there any indication about a recent beam out from the planet? Where the destination was?"

"Nothing. What -"

"Keep looking. Janeway out."

She stared at the alien. "Name your terms."

"You will restore me to my ship and leave this space."

"You better be damned sure that you're not lying. Because if I don't find them, you'll wish you were still in my Brig by the time I'm done." She beat out the rest of it. "The coordinates - now."

"When I'm back in my ship and the tractor's released."

She considered the alternatives. She could just let him die in her Brig, painfully and slowly, away from his planet, his mission failed. He would consider it the worst possible fate, given his obsession. It was a sort of justice. She bit back the thought, sickened by it. " You care a lot about winning. All right, you win. You've succeeded. I agree to the deal."

She hit her comm badge again. "B'Elanna, get your team back to Voyager."

"Captain, I-"

"Now, Lieutenant."

She watched Tuvok as he monitored the transfer. When it was complete, she ordered the alien's beam out.

Tuvok complied. She watched on the Brig viewscreen as the alien resumed control of his ship. "Release the tractor."

Tuvok looked up at her from the console. "Captain, he will go to warp and escape. Are you sure that -"

"What's he going to do, Tuvok? " She looked away. "Even if he's lying, there's nothing more he can do. His systems are destroyed. He's dying." She grimaced. "We'll send out beacons to protect this part of space for the next year. The Doctor says that's as long as he can last. But -it's a gut instinct. If there's any chance he's telling the truth, I believe he'll come through with the real coordinates of the away team's location. He's insane, but it's insanity driven by regulations. It's in his programming. He'll give us the coordinates."

Tuvok finally responded. "Tractor released."

The next few seconds were some of the longest of her life.

"The Eckotonian is sending us coordinates on the planet. He has gone to warp."

"Get them to Paris."

"Already done, Captain."

She had nothing left to do now except wait. She looked briefly at Tuvok and then went to find Chakotay's son.

Section 13

Chakotay woke up aching. His head was trying to split itself apart, every muscle in his body was throbbing, and his skin felt like it was on fire. It gradually occurred to him that he must be alive. He was pretty sure he was in Sickbay, which meant Voyager had made it out of the tractor. His first coherent thought was that he was grateful the ship was safe. His second was amazement that somehow he'd survived the odds. His third was that Kathryn had every right to be really pissed off about the second. He turned his head, trying to shake away the fog. The dizziness told him that moving anything was a really Bad Idea. He laid still for a few minutes and tried to open his eyes slowly. Better.

"Doctor, he's awake." He heard Kes' voice from somewhere in the room, and waited. She and the Doctor weren't long in entering his sight line.

"Welcome back from the dead, Commander."

Chakotay closed his eyes again. He decided tolerating the Doctor's beside humor was a lot to expect of him right now, no matter the circumstances. He tried to slide back into unconsciousness, but the Doctor gave him some sort of hypo. Chakotay felt the worst of his headache subside, and considering that the Doctor was inexplicably quiet, decided to try opening his eyes again.

His mind began to clear. The transport had worked; Dalby had gotten him out of the building. After, they'd had to fight the dust, the darkness and the firestorm. They'd managed to put on the first part of his enviro suit, but couldn't get the helmet on. Chakotay remembered the pain - his skin had felt like it was on fire. It probably had been. Then suddenly, everything had become an unremitting black. Strangely enough, he remembered being able to breathe. And then he'd lost consciousness.

Rather, he knew now that what had happened was that he'd lost consciousness. Then, he'd thought he was dying.

"How do you feel?"

Chakotay ignored the Doctor, still focused on his last thought. "Dalby?"

Kes responded. "He's fine, Commander. He saved your life. When the -"

The Doctor broke in acerbically. "Dalby wasn't stupid enough to be caught in an explosion. " The hologram continued, his tone quieting. "I've already released him from Sickbay. He had some first degree burns, dehydration, and bruises. Kes is correct. He's healthy … which is more than I can say for you. You have-"

Chakotay didn't want to hear the litany. He could feel most of it, and what he couldn't feel, he was sure he didn't want to hear about. "What happened?"

Kes finally replied. "Everything's fine, Commander. Voyager's safe. You brought down the shields. The Captain solved the rest."

He tried to talk and instead heard himself stuttering out a nearly incomprehensible set of sentences, all the while trying to use his best command tone. He told them he wanted to see Kolopac and the Captain. And he wanted to know what had happened.

He wasn't sure how much, if any, they'd understood. His best was clearly far less than adequate.

The Doctor finally replied, "Your vocal chords were affected by the fires. You need to rest. The worst of the pain should be subsiding now. I've already contacted the Captain. She asked to be informed when you woke. She'll be down shortly. But right now you need to rest."

He tried again.

Kes seemed to understand part of his questions. "Commander, if you're asking about Kolopac, the answer is that he's fine. I promise he's thriving. The Captain has kept him with her all the time you've been unconscious. He's with the Captain. Do you understand?"

He did. The relief rushed through his system. He hadn't realized how worried he'd been about them both. Kathryn had Kolopac. They were both safe. They were together.

The Ocampan continued. "Everything's all right, Commander. Voyager's completely operational and we're safe. It's over."

He ran Kes' comment through his mind. "It's over." He was sure it probably was. He tried not to consider the consequences of his actions. He felt himself slip into sleep, exhausted.

The next time he awoke he could tell it was evening on the ship. The lights in Sickbay were dimmed to emulate the middle of the night. He looked up and saw Kes staring down at him.

"Hello, Commander. How do you feel?"

He considered the question. Overall, he'd have to say a hell of a lot better; his skin didn't seem hot, and a lot of the pain and the headache was gone. His throat wasn't burning. He tried to speak. "I'm fine." He was relieved when his voice sounded normal and the words came out simply.

Kes' smiled, clearly delighted with his answer. "I'm glad. Would you like something to eat? The Doctor said that it would be all right to give you anything you wanted when you woke."

Oh hell… the Doctor. " No need to activate..."

She broke in, even as she walked away from him towards the replicator. "The Doctor? I won't call him. Besides, he's at the party on the holodeck. I finally convinced him to take a break. Once you were out of danger, he was willing to let me help. I will call him if you're feeling bad, of course. Now, what would you like to eat? Does some soup sound good?"

Chakotay decided he was definitely better. A reprieve from the Doctor's typically acerbic reprimands was a fair trade for any pain he was feeling. "Soup's fine." He watched as Kes programmed something into the replicator, and returned to his biobed.

She helped him sit up. He stared down at the meal, and then lifted a spoon. He was surprised at how hungry he was and how weak he felt. He looked up at Kes. "How long?"

"In total? A week. You spent five days in coma, and it's been thirty-four hours since the last time you woke up. The Doctor said the natural sleep was good for you. He didn't want to wake you."

A week…he'd lost a week. It must have been very bad. In this day and age, a week in coma was unheard of.

Kes continued, seeming to understand his thoughts. "The Doctor was amazing. You had third degree burns over 80% of your body, and most of your bones on your left side were broken. He worked non-stop. If it hadn't been for him, you would have died, Commander."

Chakotay guiltily revised his earlier thoughts about the hologram. "I'll be sure to thank him."

Kes smiled again. "I'm sure you will."

He wanted to see Kathryn and his son. He started to ask, but Kes broke in again.

"Of course, the Captain's been here every day with Kolopac to visit briefly, but she has been very busy. The Doctor's kept her up to date on your progress. " Kes threw him a mysterious smile and continued, "She was here earlier tonight, but she left to go to the party. And the Doctor has convinced her that regular rest is important. My guess is that she and Kolopac have probably been asleep for four hours now."

Chakotay looked back at the Ocampan, confused. He got part of the message. Kathryn was exhausted and the situation had been grim. It would be outrageous to disturb them now, no matter how much he wanted to see them. But he was sure there was something else she was trying to say. He couldn't see it.

Kes continued. "You'll want to know what happened. I assumed you'd want to take look at the logs… it's so much easier and more accurate to see things than to hear about them second-hand. I've set up the station by the biobed. I haven't checked with the Doctor about it, but I doubt that he'll mind."

Chakotay wondered just how long the Ocampan had been arranging things for all of them. Of course, she was right. He should look at the logs before he talked to Kathryn. There was no point in asking Kathryn to relive what had occurred. He needed as much information as possible about what she'd been through before he started blindly articulating his thoughts.

"Thank you, Kes."

She got up and started to take his finished meal away. "You're welcome, Commander."

He stopped her before she left. "Kes, did you say the Captain agreed to sleeping regular hours?"

She smiled. "That's right."

He stared at her, completely confused. Another thought came to mind. "What party?"

"The one for Dalby. The Captain arranged it to celebrate his commendation for saving you. She also scheduled him for the Brig tomorrow for disobeying orders and lying to commanding officers. He doesn't seem to mind, though." Kes looked back at him calmly. "It's all in the logs, Commander. I have some work I need to do in the Doctor's office, so I'll be nearby. If you need me, just call."

Chakotay stared at her exiting figure. Kathryn had agreed to sleep. And… Kathryn had set up a party for Dalby. He thought it through; a commendation, a party and the Brig. It was the perfect answer. Dalby had gone out his way to save him, but he'd also gone against orders. Dalby would find the commendation amazing, the party amusing, and the Brig an appropriate ending to the tale. Chakotay shook his head. A lot appeared to have changed while he'd been unconscious. He turned toward the terminal, and began reading.

An hour later, he stopped examining the logs and closed the file he was reading, exhausted again. Most of the story was clear. Dalby had succeeded in pulling him out of the facility using the site to site. They'd managed to get his enviro suit on, and then the alien had beamed them into another underground structure. Like the first, it had had breathable air, but that was where the comparison stopped. This installation had been deliberately sabotaged. Knowing the story of the Eckotonians as he did now, Chakotay thought that the building must have belonged to the losers of the war. The alien had clearly spent years systematically destroying what was left.

Chakotay tried to conjure up an image of the interior, but he couldn't remember anything about the installation. Still, Dalby's terse report told him enough. Dalby had pumped him full of pain killers from the emergency kits in the suits to keep him from going into shock and to keep him unconscious. And then he'd spent the next twenty-four hours in complete darkness, alone with no hope of rescue. Chakotay shook his head. The Eckotonian could give the Cardassians a run for their latnium when it came to terror.

One thing was sure; he owed Dalby. He grimaced. So, what else was new? Memories of the Maquis came rushing back to him. He put them aside and looked back at the report. He smiled briefly as he reread Dalby's comments about Paris. Paris had come in, phasers blazing, like one of the man's favorite characters from 20th century B westerns. Chakotay remembered vaguely having been conned into watching one once with Paris. Once was enough. He smiled and then stopped himself. None of it was funny. Dalby and Paris had gone far beyond what was humanly possible to keep him alive. And they'd succeeded. He needed to thank them both.

Chakotay rubbed his eyes and then his temples. The headache had resurfaced, and the muscles in his back felt like they'd solidified into rock. The Doc was bound to show up any minute now. He shut down the workstation and ordered the computer to dim the lights.

Closing his eyes, he forced himself to finally review mentally the part he'd been avoiding. Kathryn had handled the situation brilliantly; she'd quickly identified how Voyager had been caught and found a way to break them free. And afterward, her measures against the Eckotonian had been just and humane. He'd been right. He'd known she'd never let personal considerations get in the way of her performance and she hadn't.

And, once again, he'd been stupid and incredibly wrong. It was obviously getting to be a habit. It wasn't hard to read what wasn't in the reports. After they'd broken out of the tractor, she'd nearly taken Tuvok's head off and then barricaded herself in her Ready Room. While leaving the Bridge might be normal for another captain after a crisis had subsided, for Kathryn it was unheard of until she was sure the mission had normalized. She'd been precipitate in her actions, which told him that the situation had shaken her. She'd probably beaten herself up about leaving the away teams on the planet long past after they were due back, and only the universe knew what kind of conversation she'd had with Tuvok once she'd come back on duty. He winced. The final piece of data that gave him some indication to her state of mind was the logs from the Brig, when she'd been talking to the alien. She'd looked like she literally wanted to murder the man with her bare hands. Chakotay'd seen her angry before, but he'd never seen her so coldly furious.

She'd been right all along about the odds of his surviving and to be wary of establishing a personal relationship with him. The Delta quadrant was too uncertain, too dangerous, to chance building a life together. It was too imperfect of a universe to take that kind of risk here.

He shifted onto his right side, trying to ease the pain in his back, tired of thinking about all of it. In a perfect universe, he would have woken up feeling fine. Uhuh, and in a perfect universe, he would have woken up to the sight of Kathryn Janeway and his son smiling down at him, happy to see him.

He shifted again, taking the idea one step further. In a perfect universe, there would have been no Eckotonians, no Cardassians and no need for the Maquis. And in that version of the universe, Kolopac would never have been born, and he would never have known Kathryn. He gave up the thought, quit feeling sorry for himself, and thanked the spirits that he wasn't in charge of deciding what a perfect universe would be. Whatever came, he'd try to accept with as much grace as possible.

Section 14

Eight hours later, Chakotay stood in front of the holodeck door and swallowed. Getting to the door had been remarkably easy compared to actually opening it. Odd, how that worked. He supposed it wasn't surprising that he was choking now, considering the individuals involved.

To get out of Sickbay all he'd had to do was get through to the Doctor. Admittedly, that hadn't exactly been easy. It'd taken a while and he'd learned a lot. And he had a lot of recommendations and plans for how to help the EMH adjust to humans that he hoped to implement because of the conversation. But still, that was relatively reasonable and easy activity for an XO, or even for a captain.

On the other hand, when he opened the door, he'd have to face Kathryn Janeway. A sensible man understood when and where to cower. He smiled slightly, remembering the last two hours.

He'd woken up in Sickbay in mid-morning determined to accomplish what was obviously impossible: he was going to get out of there, and he was going to talk to Kathryn - preferably in that order. Considering that the first thing he saw was the EMH scowling down at him, the odds were definitely not in his favor.

He smiled docilely at the Doctor as he sat up and tried a cheerful and noncommittal opening. "Good morning."

The Doctor was clearly unimpressed. "It's nearly afternoon. How do you feel?"

"Better. I'm okay."

The EMH shook his head and began scanning. "'Better.' An articulate and enlightening response. I expect you would like me to use the same precision to describe your medical condition." He stopped scanning for moment, and said sarcastically, " It will take a while, but you're going to be 'fine,' - not that you had anything to do with it."

Chakotay shifted, annoyed, and fought down his irritation. All right, so maybe his response had been moronic, considering that it was the Doc who'd asked. But that was no reason for the EMH to respond aggressively… or was it? Except for Kes, the Voyager crew treated the hologram and his work like a necessary evil to be avoided at all costs. Chakotay was no exception.

The EMH seemed not to notice Chakotay's introspection. "The Captain was here with Kolopac an hour ago. She asked to be called if you woke."

Chakotay broke in. "No. Not right now. That is, I want to talk to you first." When the hologram looked suspicious, Chakotay continued quickly. " I want to thank you for saving my life. Kes said your work was brilliant. I would like to hear about it and I'd like a detailed assessment about what I need to do to get back to normal."

The Doctor looked cynical and then gradually flabbergasted. "You're serious."

"Yes." The Doctor started scanning him again. "What are you doing?"

"Checking for concussion."

Chakotay let his irritation resurface. " I can do without the sarcasm, Doctor. I'll read the reports. "

In the end, he and the Doctor had come to an understanding; one that Chakotay hoped would last for them both for a very long time. The immediate result had been a mutually agreed upon truce, one in which Chakotay promised to keep the monitors on and return to Sickbay. But he'd also been able to convince the Doctor to let him see the Captain on his own terms - on the holodeck, where she was currently relaxing with Kolopac.

Chakotay smiled at the memory, took a deep breath and opened the holodeck door.

He stared, astonished, at the scene in front of him. Kathryn was running his program of the canyons. It was the last possible scenario he expected. Given what had happened, he'd thought that anything personal would be what she'd most want to avoid.

It was a glorious fall day; he remembered how beautiful he'd thought it when he'd taken the holovid. It was beautiful still - a perfect moment to be relived again and again. He just hoped Kathryn saw it the same way.

The river was a ribbon of blue emmeshed a band of bright orange grasses and shrubs extending as far as he could see. He looked over to the left and up towards the sky. The canyon walls were high here, their color a deep rust. Overhead, the early afternoon sky was cloudless, its clarity reflected in the darker blue of the running stream.

He followed the stream up-canyon, walking along the bank through the gold leaves of the cottonwoods, to where the stream became shallow and subdued and the walls of the canyon closed in around him. The water rolled quietly like crystals over stones of all shapes and colors. All around fantastical shapes made of sandstone, streaked with black and light golds, reflected the sun.

The sun beat down on him. He crouched down to rest, took off his jacket, and wiped his face with water from the stream to cool down. There was silence, except for the occasional cry of a bird and the sound of the running stream. The silence was soothing, a balm to his thoughts of what might come.

Then he heard Kathryn's laughter echoing off the canyon walls. He turned the next bend, and saw her sitting on the side of the stream. She was out of uniform in the middle of the day. More amazingly, she was digging her bare toes into the sand while holding Kolopac, swinging the boy up into the air and then down again to the water, laughing when he squealed.

They looked incredibly happy. Kathryn was beautiful - relaxed, laughing, calm. He'd never seen her look so at peace with her world.

He stood silently, mesmerized, unable to react as a myriad of conflicting emotions coursed through him.

Something he'd done must have alerted her to his presence, because she turned her head quickly and stood up. She was smiling. It was the most brilliant smile he'd ever seen in his life.

He closed his eyes.

"Chakotay? "

He stopped himself from rushing over to them, from behaving like he was a bit player in the ending of a bad holovid. She wouldn't appreciate the dramatics, and it'd be a hell of an awkward thing to do after all that had gone on. Of course she was glad to see him. He was alive after all, and that was something. She'd remember all that had happened in a moment. They'd gotten through this disaster, but the next one was just around the corner.

Showing up in the holodeck unannounced had been yet another one of his really bad ideas. He should have left her alone, in peace, relaxing in the few moments she had of that with his son. But he could hardly turn tail and run now that he was here.

He opened his eyes again and saw what he'd expected to see, as Kathryn's smile dimmed and she looked away from him.

"I imagine you came to see Kolopac." She walked over to him, her command posture in place.

When she handed him his son, he finally felt his immobility break. He grabbed the boy, hugging Kolopac tightly at first, and then found himself needing to check the child over carefully. Stupid; he knew the boy was fine.

Kolopac was filthy, full of sand from head to toe, smiling and squealing, still excited from his play. His small fists looked like they'd gotten bigger. Ridiculous. He could hardly have grown much in a week. Even so, Chakotay felt some of the knots in his stomach unknot now that he'd seen for himself that his son was fine.

He just wished he could get rid of the rest of the knots as easily. Now that he was here, he had no idea what to say to Kathryn - so much for all of his detailed planning. He looked over to where she now sat, her back up against the canyon wall. She was watching him, her expression calm and concerned.

He looked away and back at his child.

She broke the silence. "You must have used quite a maneuver to get the Doc to let you out of Sickbay. When I talked to him this morning, he was determined to make you stay put for a while. How do you feel?"

He walked over and sat down next to her, his eyes still on his son. "I'm fine, Kathryn. I wanted to see Kolopac and I needed to make sure everything was all right."

"I understand. " She kept her tone deliberately casual and light. "So what's your expert opinion on how Kolopac's doing?"

He put the boy down in the trickle of the stream, where Kolopac began splashing delightedly in the water. "He's happy, and he's safe." He paused and finally looked at her. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. "

He let silence settle between them, feeling less awkward, but still uncertain about what to say.

He finally decided procrastination laced with humor was the safest form of cowardice. After all, they could hardly go on sitting there without talking forever. And he had been the one who had forced this interaction.

"The Doc and I worked out a compromise. I'm allowed out of Sickbay for the afternoon as long as I stay on the holodeck, keep the monitor on, and go back there when we're done talking." He paused and then added lightly, " He told me to tell you you're not allowed to court-martial me until next week."

She grimaced. "If that was supposed to be a joke, you've lost your touch. I can hardly court-martial you for following the regs literally for what has to be the first time in recorded history on Voyager."

She sighed. "Why? For heavens sake, Chakotay…"

He broke in, trying to avoid an argument by using humor as a defense. Admittedly, humor hadn't worked the first time. But he could always try again. "I know. I'm sorry. It was an aberration. I'll work on it."

Her voice was calm and there was amused resignation in her tone. "The universe protect me from a consistent XO. Surprise I can handle; consistency might kill me. "

He looked at her questioningly, taken aback by her reply.

She shrugged, and said seriously, "I know you'll do whatever you think will keep Voyager, Kolopac and me safe and that you'll do that ethically, conscience intact. That's enough. Following the regs, not following the regs… well, they're just rules, after all. I've had enough of blindly following regs to last quite a while, probably a lifetime."

"Kathryn?" Chakotay stared at the woman he swore was the Captain of Voyager, a woman he was certain he'd spent the last three years conscientiously providing rationalizations to in order to explain precisely why breaking the regs was part of the regs- well, at least he thought he had. He was pretty sure that was the main point of the job of being an XO for Kathryn Janeway.

She put her hand to her eyes. "I know. I'm sorry. It was an aberration. I'll work on it."

He felt some of the knots in his stomach release as he saw her smile up at him, her eyes twinkling at the joke. She commented, "Better?"

He shook his head in the affirmative. "Better."

She smiled again. "Thank heavens. You've been as jittery as a jitkanta since you walked in the door."

He decided to give back as good as he got. "I'm never jittery. It's not in my genetics."

She smiled again. "Of course not. You're never jittery; just stoic. The more nervous you are, the more stoic you get. And with the exception of your interaction with Kolopac, I'd say a block of ice was a lot less calm and controlled than you've been since you've walked in. Take it for what it's worth, Commander."

He let the message slide over him, saying nothing, wondering when it was that she'd learned to read him so well.

Her expression became contemplative as she turned to look at the stream and at Kolopac. "You're right, of course. We do need to talk and to get all of this straightened out. We've been putting it off for too long."

He felt some of the knots retie.

He should have left this conversation for later, rather than trying to force discussion. He felt like he was on an emotional pendulum, swinging back and forth at the slightest nuance in her tone. It didn't help that he wasn't healthy. His reactions and his interpretations were bound to be skewed. He shifted.

She reacted immediately. "What's wrong?"

He shrugged his shoulder, rotating his arm. "The shoulder feels like a damned.. well, it's not important. It just hurts."

"Not surprising, considering that the Doc reconstructed it from splinters. You should be in bed."

He rotated his shoulder again. "Probably."

He broke in before she could continue in the same vein, trying to deflect her thoughts from his health.

"I saw the logs, Kathryn. The way you deciphered the alien technology was brilliant, and your handling of the Eckotonian was just and humane. If the circumstances were different, I don't think I could have done the same."

She looked away from him at Kolopac, who was now crawling through the stream. "You would have found a better way. But as for what happened, well, it was certainly an enlightening experience."

He wondered if her deliberate reticence came from a general concern about his well-being or from something else. He waited for her to continue, but she stayed silent.

She seemed content to watch his son playing amongst the water and the rocks, although every now and then she looked off to her right, to a spot on the ground he couldn't quite see from where he was currently positioned.

He leaned back up against the canyon wall, and relaxed, waiting. Whatever would come, he could accept. The peace of the place, and the beauty of the light as it shown on the canyon was healing emotionally and spiritually. He let it wash over him, resting.

Kathryn finally commented, "You might want to see what Kolopac and I have been doing." She gestured to her right and moved slightly so he could see what she'd been working on.

"We've been building sandcastles."

His mood lightened further as he imagined the Captain of Voyager digging around in wet sand building indiscernible replicas of Earth's medieval fortresses for his son.

He looked over to where she pointed, and stopped. She'd created a perfect replica of Voyager out of the sand.

"The only problem, of course, is that your son is extremely adept at breaking down walls. That's definitely genetic. He's taken a distinct dislike to the separations on decks 6-8, sections 5-11. I suspect we may have to consider his recommendation. It is the most logical place for Voyager to house families. There will be more than ours someday. But I do think he's in error about the holes he keeps digging in the hull. Not a good idea, that one."

Their family… he was sure he'd heard her say that. He had to stop imagining things. She'd just been building what was most important to her. She often called the Voyager crew a family. She wasn't being specific.

He felt all of his senses re-engage. She always had a reason for what she did. She never let go. He should have known better than to relax.

"Why are you here, Kathryn?"

"Ah…you mean this program? I thought it was important for Kolopac to see his heritage."

He shook his head. "The Anasazi aren't his heritage."

"I wasn't referring to them. This is your place; your history, somewhere you loved. I thought he should get to know it now."

She looked around her. "It's glorious here. It's a perfect day - everything is so fresh and so alive."

She continued. "We've been learning from other sand castles. They do well as a model. " She pointed up towards the ruin, shining in the sunlight above her.

Chakotay looked up at the ruin. It was a small compared to most archeological finds in the area, and it had been hidden until well into the 22nd century. At its prime only forty, perhaps fifty, people had lived here, but it had been the nerve center of the surrounding canyons. In total, Redbrooke had estimated that nearly another hundred had made their home here for two centuries, living in ever widening spokes around the center. Chakotay thought that was a generous estimate. All the outlying areas had eventually gone to rubble, so it was difficult to be sure.

None-the-less, the ruin Kathryn was pointing to was admittedly still spectacularly beautiful and amazingly intact by anyone's measures. The building blocks were carefully composed of equal sized stones harvested from the canyons, still strong and vital after over a thousand years. But more incredible was that the interior of this ruin was perfectly preserved. Panels of paintings, the reds and blacks still vibrant and clear, and pottery vessels with a myriad of decoration were perfectly preserved.

He couldn't see any reason for Kathryn to be interested in something of what was admittedly minor historical value even in Earth's history, let alone the Federation, no matter its beauty. There were far more majestic and beautiful places than this to be seen, even in their travels in the Delta quadrant. He waited.

"You know, I remember you mentioning sand castles once. You called them a child's fantasy creation. You were wrong, Chakotay. There are sand castles in front of us that are far more than a child's dream."

He didn't understand her. He was tired, his body aching. He'd had enough of fallacious interpretations and inexplicable connections to last a lifetime. "They're the decaying ruins of a dead civilization."

"No. They're the enduring legacy of a people lost from history. They're the representation of their dreams and the evidence of how they lived. You told me that once. I wasn't sure then; I believe you now. "

She paused and picked up some wet sand, smoothing over the lines of her replica of Voyager. "I've been doing some reading about the ancient ones. The common theory is that they faced insurmountable odds, from famine, or perhaps outside attack, and so moved on, joining with other tribes, developing the heritage of many peoples. They met their challenges and learned from them, moving on to create and build something new."

He shook his head, still confused. It was unlike her to be abstract, to speak in generalities about irrelevant issues when they had concrete problems to discuss. He said impatiently, "There's also strong evidence to indicate that they were cannibals and that the civilization decayed from within, finally destroying itself."

She shrugged. "I saw that theory as well. There is a lot of evidence to indicate that there was a splinter group that enjoyed terror for its own sake or for the power it could provide. But I don't believe that's where the story ends. They weren't like the Eckotonians. They weren't defeated by blood, chaos and paranoia. They may have lost the battle, Chakotay, but they didn't lose in the end. They moved on, creating new civilizations and new traditions."

He stayed silent, annoyed at her presumption of trying to interpret the history of a race to which she had no connection, and then got annoyed at himself for his own presumption. He had no connection either. His interpretations and premises were no better than anyone else's. He stayed silent, realizing she was correct in that his only right to connections to the canyons had to do with his own memories, and love of the place. She'd said she'd come here because it was his tradition that she wanted to teach Kolopac. In that, she was right.

Kathryn broke the silence. " I know we'll probably never know the whole story. I wish we could know what they were thinking. But all we can do is learn from what's left. In the end, a people's legacy is what they represent to others. And in this case, Chakotay - look around you at the beauty, the quiet, the wild of this place. You taught me to appreciate that. And now, I want to believe that they were in touch with their world, and that they understood who they were and what they wanted to accomplish. I do believe that they were the light, not the darkness. That's the most anyone can hope for. "

He thought again about inexplicable connections and why the Captain of Voyager might have chosen this place as a refuge. She always had a reason.

"What did you do with the Eckotonian's files?"

"Sent them out on beacons all over this area of space. If anyone does come here in the future, they'll have the story as well as the warning. Perhaps hearing about the darkness will help others understand their choices about the light. "

"Kathryn, are you done with the analogy?"

She smiled. "Pretty lousy, huh?"

"Terrible. The best way to construct analogies is to present what appears to be fiction to the listener. It shouldn't be obvious that the tale is hypothesis based on partial data. "

She shrugged. "I'll keep that in mind for the future. I'm new to the story telling process, but I thought I'd give it a try. And in my defense, you did just walk in the door. I didn't have time to prepare. And I'm not sure you've followed your own recommendation so well in the past. "

He shook his head, moving his fingers through the stream, watching the waves they created.

He refuted the implied connection she was making to his comments on New Earth simply by refusing to respond. " It's not like you to romanticize or even hypothesize about anyone's intentions when there's so little information available. It's not your style."

She finally replied. "People change. Perhaps the analogy was bad, but it was what I was thinking about before - a people's legacy, and their dreams, and how to create a future by living well each day. I wanted to try to explain what I was thinking, but I'm not as good a storyteller as you are, Chakotay. I doubt I ever will be. But I do think it's time for me to learn. I'd like you to help me with that. There's so much I'd like to know. "

"There's nothing to teach. You know as much as I do about the business, Kathryn. And anyway, storytelling is a useless sport in the Delta quadrant. It's ultimate goal has always been to convey tradition orally from generation to generation. That's not important here. It never will be. We'll get back, and other traditions will take precedence, or we won't and then nothing we've done will matter. Telling tales is a luxury we can't afford. It's meant to last longer than we have left. "

She stayed silent, watching Kolopac as he played in the stream. She finally said, "We do need to talk about the future. We can't continue this way any longer."

Chakotay grimaced, wanting to avoid the discussion now that she'd come to the point. He didn't want to hear what he was sure she was going to say. "The last time we talked about the future you told me that we couldn't plan for it because it wasn't going to be there. You said Kolopac was the only future either of us had."

"I was wrong. Kolopac isn't our future. He has his own path." She smiled. "Besides, I wouldn't want to put that kind of baggage on the boy; legacies be damned. Kolopac's our present, and we need to pay attention and enjoy watching him grow in his own way, and in his own time. He has his own future. We had a number of conversations while you were unconscious. I think we've come to a reasonable understanding."

Chakotay looked to his son, and saw him crawling determinedly up stream, towards the deep water. "And he's going to drown if we don't so something soon." He started to get up. "Kathryn…"

"For heavens sakes, Chakotay, I have child proofed this program with triple safties. Quit avoiding the conversation and sit down. He's fine. He's loved, healthy, happy, safe, and he's exploring. What more can you ask for a nine month old? Or for any of us, for that matter?"

He settled back, resting against the rock again. He finally joked, " Do you really think we should teach him that he can walk… uhum.. crawl on water?"

She smiled. "Well, I think he can. As I said, I've had some rather enlightening conversations with him recently. You should try it sometime. "

Her voice took on a tone of calm resignation as she continued. "We've both been at fault. You've spent far too much of your life letting your past inform the present -your relations with your tribe, and then later the Maquis, and your regret about your father- made you stop being willing to try for what you want. I've spent far too much time focused on the future, letting my predictions control my present actions… will we/ won't we get home, expectations of what Janeways are supposed to do...well, none of it matters right now."

"What does matter to you?"

"I - that's a difficult question to answer."

He finally said carefully, " You were right about the lifespan projections. We have to take them seriously."

She looked back at her sand replica, repairing a small break. " Yes, I was right about that. You're supposed to be dead right now. I saw it happen and I gave the order to make it happen."

"I'm sorry."

She looked up at that. "For what? That you lived through it? Starfleet was right when they did the analysis on your ship. You have unbelievable, impossible luck."

Her next comment was calm and resigned, with humor in her tone. "You're blowing the stats all to hell, you know. Tuvok's even considering rewriting the program. He claims the Delta Quadrant has too many additional variables. He mumbled something about Maquis, too." She shook her head. " I have *never* heard a Vulcan mumble before, and I lived on the planet for nearly five years."

She shrugged and finally continued. "Right now I suspect he thinks you're going to outlive us all and die of old age. It should be an interesting program when he's done."

"Works for me."

Even as he said the words, flippantly responding, he realized he'd blown it again. But he was suddenly incredibly angry. She was too calm, too smug, too sure. She was joking with him, ironically validating that her view of their relationship was right, in her all seeing, all rightous perspective on the universe. He was 'just lucky'. Yeah, right. The damnedest thing of was that she WAS right, and he'd been determined to keep calm, and now he'd blown the whole discussion up again, by acting like he didn't care about any of it.

She hadn't said a word, her head still down. He broke in, before one of them said something irretrievable. "Look. I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. Your point of view is right. The stats do matter. It's really all right, Kathryn. I -"

She looked up, her eyes burning through him. "*Don't* - don't you dare start with the 'it's all right' stuff. It's not. It 's not all right. You're supposed to be dead. And here you are. Shit - at this rate, you probably will die of old age, and outlive us all." She paused and took a deep breath. "Damn it, I thought I had this worked out. "

She rubbed her eyes, saying more to herself than to him, "What the hell am I supposed to do with you?"

He thought of all the obvious answers. Live with me, love me, trust that we'll be together. But he couldn't say it, not anymore, so he tried for levity again, to break the tension. "Well, you could-"

"*Don't , damn it, I'm not done. Just stow it and listen. And that's an order, Commander."

He "stowed it." And listened.

" I had this worked out. I knew what I needed to say… how the hell do you make me so angry?"

"Probably genetic." It slipped out before he could kick himself. She looked ready to kill him. He felt a perverse sort of pleasure in the realization that he'd shaken her out of her calm condescension.

She finally responded. "You want the truth? You can have it. At first, I fully planned to murder you myself if you did survive. What the *hell* were you thinking to order that attack? What *is* it that makes you so crazy? The Kazon, Seska, that kid, - the list just goes on. You set yourself up and then you survive it. It's insane."

She stopped, shook her head, and then stared at the river again. He kept quiet, waiting.

"Do you know what was the worst part? Not when I ordered the destruction. And not that we looked for what seemed like forever. It was that the whole time, when we were looking for you, when I thought you were dead, all I could feel was regret. No grief, no paralysis, just regret and anger at myself because I'd let all of it slip away from us. Regret because I knew, right then, that I was going to spend the rest of my life wondering what it might have been like if I'd let you convince me to 'let go'. Commander, if there is a hell, I would have damned you to it right then."

"I'm sorry. You don't need to say any more."

"No, stop it, damn it. I want to finish this. I thought I'd gotten past this, and clearly I haven't so you're just going to have to sit there and listen." She paused, breathing slowly, and finally said, "And so I'm angry - at myself, and at you, and at the damned delta quadrant. Nothing here makes sense. Nothing's predictable. Nothing. And what am I supposed to do about that? Oh, I know. Life's not predictable. But, hell - I'd give it all up right now for some sane predictable solution. Even if it meant that we both died in bed tomorrow."

"You can't."

"I know I can't."

"I know that. You've made a bad choice with me, Kathryn. As an ass, I probably head the list. I *can* live with what you're offering- I was just too arrogant to ask what you really meant. It's a lot - more than I ever dreamed was possible. To know that if we make it, that you'd come with me to Danab V - that's enough for any man in one lifetime. The rest - the fear, the distance, well, I wish we could handle it better together, but I'm not you, I'm not captaining this ship, and only you can decide it in the end."

"Chakotay, that's not what I'm trying to say."

He broke in again. " Do you want to know what I thought about on the planet in those last minutes? It was about you, and about how you were right, and how I should have protected you and how I wouldn't have let you take a chance on us if I had it to do all over again. So now I do - have that chance. I understand regret. I understand what you're feeling. I won't ask anything of you again. I just wish you weren't so … damned certain about everything. "

"You don't understand anything at all, certainly not me. And that offer's no longer open. I've changed -"

He started to get up, to walk away and just leave the conversation, but she'd already beaten him to that. She was kneeling, facing him. Then she grabbed his face in her hands, leaned into him and kissed him.

He fell back, her body weight forcing him against the rock. Sheer shock forced him into immobility. He felt her hands on his head, in his hair, touching him, her body resting on his, her legs entwined with his. The heady and familiar sensation of holding her washed over him. He'd never expected to hold her again. It was intoxicating him, making it hard to think, only to feel. He put his arms around her and deepened the kiss, feeling her response. He opened his eyes and saw her staring back at him. There was something in her eyes that he'd never seen before.

He pushed her off of him. It was always just what he wanted to see. Nothing had changed. He put his wrist to his mouth, trying to wash the encounter away, and to wash away the hurt of it. "You don't need to use sex to solve the problem, Kathryn. Just say what you want and get it over with."

She scrambled to her knees awkwardly, pushing herself up and staring at him angrily. "If this wasn't partially my fault, I'd deck you for that." She wiped the sand out of her eyes. "Chakotay, I'm trying to tell you you've been right all along."

"Fine. If you'll just get out of the way -"

"No. I won't get out of the way. Listen. You *were * right. You *are* right. I'm sorry I let everything between us get so confused. We need to build something here, in the Delta quadrant, that's beyond textbooks, or statistics, or logic, or predictions. It's possible - it's real - we've proven we can."

"Kathryn, I can't take another one of your theories. I'm tired of them. Let it go. It's over."

"It's not over. I've been trying to tell you I love you. "

The verbal impact of her words was worse than her physical attempt to connect with him. He fell back against the rock again, and stared at her. "What?"

She swallowed. "I love you. I have for a long time, and I do now, and I want very much to continue to do so as long as I live. I thought you should know."

He closed his eyes, refusing to accept her words. "You don't need to do this, Kathryn. You don't need to make a commitment to me because of guilt or regret. "

"I'm not. I'm telling you what matters to me. You asked. You matter. Kolopac matters, and the crew and my ship matter to me. And I do love you. "

She continued quickly, seeming wary of his possible response. He decided that had to be his imagination. "As for regret… well, I have learned a lot about regret lately, but not what you think. Regret focuses too much on the past. 'I should have'…it's an excuse to avoid the present. But it's not as bad as my favorite, the 'if.. then' logic that supposedly helped me predict the future. That particular demon makes it possible to walk through life completely oblivious to the present."

"You're right. I don't understand."

"I'm not surprised. I'm not good at this; at explaining why I feel what I feel."

He waited.

"You're going to make me explain, aren't you?"

He stayed silent.

"The point is that I understand now what you were trying to tell me. I've loved you for a long time now, Chakotay, or I wouldn't have started what is between us, or the sex. I just couldn't reconcile it with what I thought the future would be. I thought what we'd agreed to was the simplest way out of the problem."

"It was. It still is. You don't need to change it. I'm not asking it of you."

She was clearly irritated by his response. "Stop lying, Chakotay. You don't get to play the wounded or the martyr. Not this time. You were a part of this little charade as well, and I'll be damned if I'll take all the responsibility."

"The point is I'm willing to take the risk of acknowledging how I feel now because I understand the question and the parameters. I know now that while we both can learn from the past and hope for the future, neither should replace the present. And you know, I do believe that, the present, our present, lived well will inform and might even change both the past and the future. You taught me that. You just weren't paying attention."

When he didn't respond, she joked. "I really do hate time travel. Gives me a headache. I just never thought of it before quite so clearly within the framework of my own lifespan and thoughts." She smiled. "I suspect that's your fault as well. "

He tried to absorb her comments and her intent, thinking but he was too tired to do anything except take a real chance this time. He wasn't willing to qualify what he felt for her convenience or benefit anymore. It was time to be done with the story. " Computer, activate audio taping." After he heard it start up, he commented, "All right, Kathryn, if you're serious, repeat it. "

"Chakotay, what are you going to do with a tape? Save it for posterity? I thought you understood that this is about now, about the present. I want this to last between us, but I can't promise anything will. I can't and won't try to control the future anymore. I just want to live now."

He stared at her and finally said, "Computer, activate ship-wide intercom." She looked at him, astonished. He shrugged. "Go ahead, Captain. It's your call."

He meant the challenge seriously. They needed to end the farce and eliminate the façade of commitment between them. A private acknowledgement that she loved him was just one more step on the slippery path he'd be on - leaving him hoping someday there might be more when there wouldn't be. Enough was enough. He called her bluff in the most public way he could think of. He waited, tensed. He leaned back against the canyon wall and closed his eyes.

Janeway shrugged and didn't miss a beat in her response. "Janeway to Voyager. Commander Chakotay has requested a public acknowledgment and clarification of the status of off duty interpersonal relations between the two members of the executive command team. Speaking for myself, I can unequivocally state that the status is that of a permanently committed partnership. This will in no way effect the operational command structure of this ship. Lt. Tuvok will be delighted to answer any questions you may have. Janeway out."

Chakotay kept his eyes closed, noted that his pulse was racing, and decided he'd reached the stage of hallucination. The Doctor had mentioned possible concussion. That had to be it.

" I can't believe you just did that. The Doctor ...uhh...well, I ... maybe sickbay is a good idea. "

"Coward."

He took a deep breath and finally said, "Could you repeat that?... uhh, not the coward part. That part I think I got. "

He could hear exasperation in the way she released her breath. He decided it was a good sign. "I just announced publicly to the entire damned ship that I love you. "

He shook his head. "You know, that's what I thought you said."

He started laughing slightly hysterically and said the first thing that came to mind. "I can't believe you did that to Tuvok."

She smiled. "Tuvok is probably as relieved as a Vulcan can be. The last week or so has been trying for him."

"I don't -"

"I'll explain that later. Do you finally believe me?"

Did he believe her? He supposed he had to, but there was still an underlying worry gnawing at him. He did the first thing he thought of. He leaned over and kissed her.

She responded immediately. He felt elation and peace and excitement course through him when he saw the promise in her eyes. It was a heady combination. This time he wasn't imagining the commitment. He felt his pulse racing and his breathing became shallow.

She broke away from him gently. "Do you finally believe me?"

He laughed, completely entranced, and felt adrenaline rush through him. He answered by kissing her again. She seemed content with his reply.

Chakotay wasn't sure how long they'd been oblivious to the world, when she pulled away from him again. He sat up, tried to calm his breathing and looked at her questioningly.

She smiled. "I'm waiting, Chakotay."

"What?" He looked at her, confused, and then blanched. "You don't really want me to -"

She broke in. "No, I don't need a public announcement broadcast all over the ship, although it might be worth it just to watch you squirm."

"Thank the spirits." He stared at her, still in shock, and then her expression finally registered. It was the "you're definitely a dead man in ten seconds look." He'd seen it before, but there was something else behind it. He realized in amazement that there was real worry under the facade.

"Kathryn, you know I love you. I've told you before. I still do. I always will."

She leaned back against the rock and grabbed his hand. "That's a start."

He stared down at their hands, intertwined. "What else?"

She closed her eyes and smiled. "A few accolades on my perfection of form and feature, brilliance, and sparkling personality generally would be in order."

He sat up and turned her head with his free hand to face him. "Kathryn Janeway, you are the most exasperating, confusing and stubborn woman I've ever met. I can't imagine living without you."

She grinned at him. "Not bad, considering your currently desiccated health. I expect sonnets to my eyes, though, when you've made a full recovery."

He decided that she was definitely getting the upper hand in the discussion. " No sonnets."

She raised her eyebrow, almost an exact imitation of Tuvok. "Not even one?"

"Nope. I don't do sonnets. The deal's off if you expect sonnets."

She opened her eyes and sat up, her expression suddenly serious. "Then I want stories."

He cocked his head to one side, studying her carefully, concerned at her sudden change in tone. "What are you asking, Kathryn?"

"You're a story teller, Chakotay. And stories are NOT a useless sport in the Delta quadrant. They teach us about the past, help us understand the present, and give us hope for the future. I need you to help me with all of those things. I want you to help me live all the stories."

She continued. "I'm not being unrealistically optimistic. I know the odds haven't changed." She gestured toward the ruin again. "But we can learn from others. I want to build our own sand castle here. Voyager may be the only relic that's left in the end, steel and space, instead of a shell of sand, but I want to let her live vibrantly in the present, telling the tale of who we are and what we dream. Maybe we'll get home, and we can tell the stories ourselves, or maybe, like the Anasazi, we'll end up a mystery for the Delta Quadrant to wonder over someday. But whatever happens, I want us to live well now. That alone will tell a tale for others in the end. Will you help me ?"

"I - gods, Kathryn, that's a lot to ask."

"I know. I have more. You have to really be willing to try to see a future with me, and let go of the past. Can you?"

Her eyes were serious, boring into him with the question. He finally responded, understanding the seriousness of the commitment she was asking for. " I can try. It's the best I can do, Kathryn. But I swear I will do that."

Her body relaxed from it's tense position, and she leaned back again. "Thank you."

He leaned back against the rock himself and closed his eyes, savoring the perfect silence between them. Knowing Kathryn and him, it was bound to be short in duration. He grinned, imagining the conversations to come. He finally ventured a question. "Is there anything else, Kathryn?"

She cleared her throat. He opened his eyes and looked at her suspiciously. It was a nervous cough, if he ever heard one. Something was up. "Kathryn?"

"Well, yes, there are a few more details we should probably discuss."

"Like what?"

She looked slightly flustered and highly annoyed. It was a combination he'd never seen before, and would have sworn she was incapable of. He smiled, even as he started to worry.

"Honestly, Chakotay, this should be obvious. I can't make an announcement like that without there being a few practical consequences."

He stared at her suspiciously. " Give, Kathryn. And they better not be parameters."

"Of course not."

"Could you please get this over with? What consequences?"

She shifted, suddenly awkward. " They're entirely practical issues. For example, you can't go back to your quarters for another three days."

"Why not?"

"The crews haven't finished taking down the walls. I have no idea how you thought you were going to manage the remodeling you specked out in an evening." She shifted again, thinking. "Of course, the delay may be due to some of the enhancements I added. How you thought you were going to fit two workstations into that area.. well, it just wasn't effective."

"Kathryn?" He looked at her in complete astonishment.

"What?" She shook her head. " Oh, and the other consequence is that I've set up a marriage ceremony three days from today. Dalby and Paris are organizing it. They seem to think they had the 'right', so I let them. Of course, Neelix is in on it as well." She paused and finally said, "The really interesting part is that Tuvok has gotten involved. He seemed to expect it. Said something about needing to watch out for our dignity. I expect he's right. That's what's been exasperating him. He thought you should at least be conscious before we started planning." She sighed again. "But Kes is keeping her eye on all of it, so I suspect it will all work out in the end."

"Are you telling me you planned this all while I was comatose?"

"Well, yes. I didn't think it was expedient to wait."

He choked, finally grasping some of the implications. "Just what were you going to do if I turned you down?"

Her expression became serious. " I would have been embarrassed, but I would have understood, Chakotay. It was a chance I was willing to take."

He shook his head in awe and exasperation. "Have you ever done anything half way?"

She took both of his hands in hers. "Yes. In the past. I'm sorry for that. I won't make the same mistake again. But I'll need you to help me."

His mind finally wrapped around the details of the consequences. "You really let Paris and Dalby plan a wedding?"

She grimaced. "Yeah. I've been a bit worried about that myself. It seemed like a good idea at the time." She said defensively, "I was a little distracted. We weren't sure you were going to be all right."

"You're a dangerous woman, Kathryn Janeway. No wonder the spirits sent me back here. You are in definite need of a competent XO."

"I was hoping you'd see it that way."

He stood up, pulling her up with him. "C'mon."

"Where are we going?" She stood up, carefully brushing the sand from her clothes.

He grabbed his son from the stream bed and deleted the program. " I need to renegotiate with the Doc about today. I can see that there are a few things that need immediate attention." He smiled at her. "And as my first official act, we're confiscating Paris' quarters until they're done with ours. That should keep them in line. If that wedding gets out of control, I may never let him have them back."

She smiled. "Ready to start telling the stories, Chakotay?"

"I always was a sucker for beginnings."

The end

Coda….

"Kathryn?"

"Yes?

".. about that running of the ship staying the same comment…"

"Oh that. I was wondering when you'd get around to it. You're been running the ship and me for a while now. I saw no reason to change or discuss the specifics with the crew."

"Ah. Well, I'm glad that's clear."

"Of course. But you don't get a raise. Don't even think about it."

"Does that mean I can't up the ante?"

"Make me an offer…"

really the end….