Party At Malfoy Manor

Written for the Humorous Death Eater challenge

Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling and I don't own any of her characters. Seriously, do you really think Rowling would write something like this?

Tonight was no ordinary night at Malfoy Manor. It was a special night. Lord Voldemort had decided to throw a party for his Snatchers and Death Eaters. And whenever there was a party at the manor the usual chaos was bound to ensue.

It all started with Bellatrix getting drunk. She ran into the kitchen, and after rummaging around in the cupboards for a few minutes emerged with a box of toaster strudels.

Lucius had always enjoyed toaster strudels. Some would even say he was addicted to the muggle breakfast treats. This would often cause arguments with his wife Narcissa, who insisted that pop tarts were better because they came in a wide variety of flavors. And it didn't help that Draco often sided with his father during their arguments.

After finding the box of toaster strudels, Bellatrix removed several packets of strudel frosting and began to write naughty words all over the kitchen walls in frosting. She then fled the kitchen, laughing and running out the back door, where she proceeded to get lost in the maze of well manicured hedges in Lucius' back yard.

Meanwhile, Lucius and Voldemort, who were fairly drunk, were engaged in a conversation in the living room.

"If you weren't the leader of the Death Eaters, what would you do with your spare time?" asked Lucius.

"I think I would breed kitties," the Dark Lord replied, hiccupping and spilling a portion of wine down the front of his robes. "I have a great deal of sympathy for those squashed-faced kittens because I too have no nose."

Just then Severus marched into the room, strutting his stuff in Narcissa's high heels and wearing Nagini draped across his shoulders like a feather boa.

"I'm feeling particularly lovely this evening," he announced to everyone in the room, slurring his words and stumbling slightly.

Severus turned in a circle to show off his new outfit from all angles, cracking Nagini's head on the coffee table in as he spun around, rendering the large serpent unconscious.

"Those are my wife's shoes!" said Lucius, half rising from his seat before slipping and falling to the floor.

"I know that," Severus replied smoothly, a slight smirk on his face. "Bella and I are going to have a fashion show. Now where is she?"

Lucius started laughing until he slid onto his back and proceeded to roll on the floor laughing, while Voldemort covered his mouth with his hand in an attempt to stifle a fit of giggles.

Bellatrix then came bursting in through the front door, naked except for an inner tube around her waist, with Scabior chasing after her as she ran up the stairs and down the hall.

"Come back 'ere, beau'iful!" Scabior yelled as he chased after Bellatrix. "I want to cover you in strudel frosting an lick it off your body!"

Voldemort then turned around in his seat and shouted at Scabior as he watched the Snatcher running up the stairs, "How many times do I have to tell you? Pop tarts are sacred! Don't insult the pop tart gods!"

As the sun rose over Malfoy Manor the next morning, Bellatrix woke up on the front lawn with one of Lucius' peacocks pecking at the dried frosting that covered her legs and stomach. Scabior had passed out and was lying half submerged in the fountain beside Bellatrix.

Lucius and Voldemort became engaged in a food fight, hurling curses and food at each other as they fought over whether pop tarts were better than toaster strudels. Their fight ended when they knocked each other unconscious with a combination of flying pastries and stunning spells.

As for Severus, he woke up in the upstairs bathtub with Peter nibbling and sucking on his toes. Apparently the drunk rodent had mistaken him for a piece of cheese.

"Mmmm... That feels good, Lily," Severus mumbled, still drowsy and not yet fully awake.

After Narcissa had forced about a gallon of coffee down Peter's throat and tossed a bucket of cold water on Severus to wake him up, the pureblood witch immediately set Peter to work cleaning up after last night's party.

Voldemort was lying on the couch in the drawing room, holding an ice bag to his head. He had a splitting headache and was horribly hung over.

"I told you you should not have drank so much last night," said Severus as he sat down on the armchair opposite the Dark Lord.

"Shut it, Snape," Voldemort grumbled. "My head is throbbing so badly I could cry..."

Severus snorted in amusement. "Since when have you ever shed a tear over anything?"

"Yesterday," the Dark Lord replied. "Bella ate the last piece of garlic bread. My spaghetti was lonely."

"I just want to go to sleep," Lucius groaned, staggering into the room and collapsing onto the footstool, laying flat out on his belly, his head hung low with his silvery blond hair streaming down into his face. "My house is flooded... I pass out for a few hours and Severus flooded the bathroom with champagne."

"Lucius, stop whining like an infant," snapped Narcissa irritably. "Yaxly got drunk, fell off a brick wall, and passed out in a flower bed. And you don't hear him complaining."

"That's because he's still unconscious," said Severus.

"He wouldn't be if I hadn't used all the coffee on Pettigrew," Narcissa retorted.

"My Lord, I have a question," said Severus, who was now feeling rather embarrassed and eager to move the topic of conversation away from his incident in the bathroom with Peter. "What exactly is your favorite poptart flavor?"

"Not this again..." Lucius whined from underneath a curtain of blond hair.

"They've both been discontinued, but I like Hello Kitty Meowberry and Disney Princess Jewelberry," said Voldemort.

"You're all a bunch of bloody sissies!" said Scabior, marching into the room looking fully alert and well. He then turned to Snape and said, "Everyone except you, Severus."

Despite the mild headache he had, Severus allowed himself a faint smirk when he heard Scabior speak.

"Aside from Severus, none of you can drink more than a few glasses of firewhiskey without passing out in two seconds. Most of you lot can't even move or function the next day," Scabior continued. "I'm rather proud of Severus for flooding the upstairs bathroom with champagne. It shows tha 'e 'asn't lost 'is touch after all this time."

Lucius lifted his head slightly and gazed at Severus, his vision blurry as he reached up and eased his hair out of his face. "After all this time, Severus?" he asked.

"Always," Severus replied. He then quickly covered his mouth with a hand in an attempt to stifle a fairly large belch. "Pardon me," he muttered into his hand. "I apologize for that. It was exceedingly rude."

"You passed out in the fountain, Scabior," said Voldemort.

"Only after I drank a couple bottles of booze," said Scabior.

Severus started to chuckle.

"See? 'E knows it's true," said Scabior, grinning broadly at his best friend. "An I can still think an function. Watch this." He then waved his wand and summoned the inner tube that Bellatrix was wearing.

Scabior smiled slyly as he caught the inner tube and heard Bellatrix shriek from somewhere in the front yard. "I'll get to 'er later."

Lucius sighed and rolled his eyes. "Show off."

"Which reminds me, how's the Hand of Glory working out for you?" Severus queried. "Not using it when you think of Bella are you?"

"What the hell, Scabior!" Lucius exclaimed, slipping and falling forward onto the floor as he attempted to raise himself up off the footstool. "You said you needed to borrow that for the Dark Lord! You better clean that before you return it."

"He never cleans anything before he returns it," said Severus, a disgusted frown slowly spreading across his face. "Scabior had the gall to steal a pair of my black briefs, then inform me of all the women he managed to attract and sleep with whilst he wore them. He then attempted to return the now soiled undergarments to me after a few weeks had passed, without cleaning them."

Lucius gagged and fought not to vomit.

Scabior shrugged. "I don't see wha the problem is. Tha was just the secret ingredient to a love potion I was brewing. All the ladies love it. Besides, I'm a naughty little Snatcher. I can do wha I want, an the females love me."

"Why is it that you always manage to attract all the ladies?" Narcissa asked.

"Look at me, pet," said Scabior. "Anyone with eyes can see 'ow sexy I am."

"And you've never considered settling down with one of these women and getting married?"

"He already is married," said Severus. "One time he drank too much and married a cookie."

Voldemort adjusted the ice bag on his head and looked at Scabior. "Is that true?"

"Yes, it's true," said Lucius, now joining in the conversation. "A jar of mustard was his best man. And a cold cup of tea was the priest."

"In my own defense it was a biscuit, not a cookie," said Scabior. "I also woke up next to a ham sandwich once. I'm sure it was the best sex I'll never remember."