Transformers and any characters in this story do not belong to me. They belong to whoever made them. I forgot who exactly).

Well here ya go. A fic that doesn't honestly go anywhere. It's supposed to be funny. I wrote this during a caffeine high (I can see you all nodding, you know what I'm talking about) so bare with me if it's a little… odd. *wink wink* And don't get mad if it doesn't really follow any Transformer story line. I figured the only people who would read this would be my friends who know nothing. Literally. Well anyways, enjoy my weirdness! Told in Ultra Magnus' POV. Constructive criticism is appreciated. ^_^ SO REVIEW DAMNIT… please! ;)



                                                                                                The Practical War

                                                                                                       By Delas



This was war. An all out, last man standing, no holds barred, war between the Primes. I suppose that probably makes it about a billion times worse than it should be. And Primus help the poor soul who got caught in the middle of it. Which was exactly the situation Ultra Magnus found himself in.

Our story begins! *drum roll*

I was, of course, sitting innocently in my office, diligently working on a report about a recent Decepticon energon raid when Rodimus burst into my office. Normally when this happens, any miscellaneous alien or some super assassin or something is attacking him. Which is why I thought it prudent to hide under my desk. Better safe than sorry, that's my motto. Last time Rodimus showed up, I got shot in the ass. No joke. Besides being supremely embarrassed, I couldn't sit down for a week. Really cuts into my social life if you know what I mean.

After a few seconds or so, no gunfire had found its way into my ass and I decided that Primus took pity on me. I rose from my desk barricade and sat down in my chair, swiveling around to face Rodimus. He was giving me the weirdest look.

"Ultra Magnus, what are you doing?" He was giving me a look that quite clearly said 'what're you high on?!'.

"I dropped something on the floor." I said smoothly.

"Riiiiiiiiight." He said, disbelieving. "That's not what it looked like from here."

"Did you come here for a reason? Or did you just come here to SHOOT ME IN THE ASS AGAIN?!" I screamed at him, more than a little irritated.

Rodimus managed to look sheepish. "Sorry."

"Whatever." I grumbled.

"Well anyways, I came here for something very serious Magnus." He said, looking all grim.

"Oh?" I tried to look interested, but all I could think of was a Quintesson bursting through the wall to slaughter everything in its path. Worst-case scenario, I'm sure, but I'm pretty damn paranoid.

"I've come to claim sanctuary!"

"Sanctuary?" I repeated, shocked. "Does this look like a damn church to you?!"

He waved a hand at me. "A technicality."

"Sanctuary from who?"

With a furtive look around the room, he lowered his vocals and whispered,

"Optimus."

"Optimus?" I asked, now seriously confused.

"Yes" He said, looking thoroughly miserable. I sighed inwardly. I recognized that look. Ugh… I'm getting too old for this

"What did you do this time Rodimus?" I grounded out.

Twitching nervously he said, "I didn't do anything major this time."

"WHAT DID YOU DO RODIMUS?" I practically screamed at him.

He winced. "I put ink in his energon."

I stared at him in astonishment. I, personally, thought it would be something a tad bit more severe. So, using my amazing powers of deduction, I decided he was leaving out something. Something important.

My voice dangerously low I asked, "And?"

Rodimus tried without success to look innocent. "And?"

I fixed him with my evil eye. I pride myself in the powers of my evil eye. No one can resist! Muahahhaahahaha I could see that cowering in the corner was looking pretty good to him right now. A poor excuse for an Autobot leader if you ask me, but I'm pretty sure you're not going to.

"Well," he began nervously, "I-It started like this. Optimus started a football league--"

"A what league?" I cut him off, honestly having no idea what he was talking about.

He waved a hand at me, a gesture which, in my opinion, practically screams 'idiot' but I decided to ignore it. I'm sure Optimus would take offence to the fact that I beheaded his second in command.

"It's a human sport! You know, the one with the ball?

I looked him dead in the eye. "Rodimus," I said calmly, "There has got to be hundreds of human sports involving a ball in some way. I think you're going to have to be a little bit more specific than that."

He gave me a blank look. "Huh?"

I looked heavenward, silently praying for Primus to have pity on my poor soul and let loose a thunderbolt of doom to strike Rodimus dead.

No such luck. When I looked back down, he was still standing there. Primus, you are a cruel, cruel god

"Just never mind, I'm pretty sure I know what you're talking about. Continue."

Looking slightly confused, he did. "Well anyways, Optimus started a football league. I think he said he was tired of walking out onto the grounds and being hit in the face with a football. Rumor has it it's happened at least six times."

"He wears a mask. I highly doubt it hurts."

"I think it's the principle of it."

"Ah." I nodded in understanding.

"So he built a football field and organized teams 'n games."

"So that's what all the hype had been about!"

Rodimus looked at me incredibly. "You mean you didn't know? It'd been going on for months! Only an idiot wouldn't know about it!"

My eyes flashed dangerously but I don't think he noticed.

"Or someone without a social life." He added.

I growled. I was this close to ripping his sneering head off. My fingers twitched, already imagining wrapping around his little neck and squeezing.

"So anyway," he said hastily, "The Cyberbowl was today-"

"The Cyberbowl?" I asked, trying really hard not to laugh.

He glared. "Don't interrupt."

"Sorry."

"So the game today was between the Primes and the Ironhides."

"The Primes? Is that Optimus' team?"

"Yup, against Kup's team. He named them in honor of Ironhide."

"But they hated each other." I felt inclined to point out.

Rodimus shrugged. "Maybe he felt bad about it."

I sniggered. "I'm sure."

He gave me a look and continued. "Well this game was rather important. You wouldn't believe some of the bets going on! There was one were Springer told Chromia he'd --"

"No!" I cut him off. "For the sake of my sanity, no details!"

"Right." He said, then winked at me.

I felt like crying.

"Just get on with the story."

"So anyways, this game was rather interesting. Both Optimus and Kup managed to find a 'secret weapon', so to speak, and the game was a stalemate for like… four hours I think."

"Secret weapons?" I asked, almost positive I didn't want to know.

"Oh, it was brilliant!" he grinned. "Kup managed to blackmail Arcee into joining his team."

My eyes widened at the thought of that sexy hunk of metal. She's such a babe.

Catching my look, Rodimus laughed. "Yeah, that's what everybody else thought. Every guy on the field wanted to tackle her."

"Hell yes! I wish I was on the team!" I exclaimed. A few tackles, a little touch here and there.

"Heh. She put eight people in the hospital for… er… unwanted physical contact. We tried to tell her that was the point of the game, but she ignored us."

"On second thought, I like my desk job." I decided.

"You don't have a desk job."

"Shut up Rodimus. It was a figure of speech."

"Oh."

I think I've had about enough of Rodimus for one day. For an Autobot leader, you'd think he'd be slightly more educated. I guess you can't have everything.

"So what did Optimus do?" I asked, genuinely curious. I personally didn't see any possible way to stop Arcee from being sexy. It was scientifically impossible.

"Ingenious really… He dragged Blurr off to see Ratchet--"

"Blurr?" I asked, cutting him off.

"Oh yeah, that was Optimus' secret weapon. Turns out Blurr runs about as fast as he talks." Rodimus explained.

"Heh, Figures." I picked up my mug of energon-equivalent coffee and took a sip.

Rodimus continued. "So Optimus takes Blurr down to Ratchet and had him neutered--"

The energon I was drinking sprayed out of my mouth. I coughed frantically for several seconds before I can get enough air to gasp, "What?!"

Rodimus grinned wickedly. "Just joking, Magnus."

I just stared at him in shock. Then, grabbing my mug, I chucked it at his head. It connected with a dull THUNK and Rodimus fell to the floor. He twitched once or twice, then went completely still.

"I'm getting too old for this." I muttered to no one in particular before stalking out of my office.

I stood outside, fuming. I seriously think Primus is picking on me today. Life sucks.

I calmed down a bit before I walked back into my office and sat back down in my beloved swivel chair. Deep breaths Magnus. Deep breaths