A continuation of my first Mai HiME fic, Psychosis, and a look into the subconscious mind of Natsuki. Twisted futa ShizNat.

AN: This story contains hints of nonconsensual sex.

Disclaimer: I do not own Mai HiME/Otome.

Lucidity

I'm only dreaming.

For years, I've had dreams much like what I'm experiencing now. But, if that's what this is, why does it seem so much more realistic than before? It's dark, but not black enough to hide the outline of someone, or something, between my legs-the same opaque shape as always, warm and delicate but I can never tell what it wants or if it's to be trusted. It's never hurt me in the past, but the same feelings of uncertainty and dread overcome me whenever it first starts climbing my body. A calming scent washes over me, filling my nose with the fragrance of sage and honey; it's inviting and earthy and familiar but masks what I can't help but sense to be something darker and fouler that makes my nostrils flare and lips curl in disgust. That's a new element to this dream that I would gladly do without.

The figure presses closer, working its way up my torso, spreading warmth throughout my core. It stops and looks at me, presumably, and I hear my name as nothing more than a whisper. Natsuki...Natsuki. Anything else it says is just a hiss, like the sound of wind rustling through the trees or the sound of the ocean meeting the shore, but my name is clear as can be. Same as always, just my name. Every time, the same results:

"Na-"

The shape dips towards me, and I feel pressure on my lips and a breeze laden with the aroma of honey, filling my senses. My spirit is lifted from my body; a body too heavy to move, and becomes a wisp of smoke. A great weight that I never knew was burdening me has been taken from my shoulders and I feel as if I can roam the earth, the sky, the heavens themselves.

"-tsu-"

I'm swept up, leaving my earthly body behind in the darkness as I'm carried away on whispers. My body is leagues away and my entire being-my soul- is soaring. For what feels like an eternity, all I can feel is the breeze and warmth emitted from my companion, until the warmth turns into a scorching ball in the pit of my stomach. The ball feels like it's going to burst, but before it has the chance, I fall. I fall into the arms of an ocean far below where I was floating and it washes over me, cradling me in salty water that stings my eyes and rushes into my mouth to choke me. I begin to panic when above the waves I see a flash of white light, and then-

"-ki."

I am released, liberated. The water calms around me and I am lost in a never-ending emptiness. I can feel myself being stretched, like smoke dissipating to the far corners of the earth. In a matter of only seconds, my spirit rushes back into my body, now free. Free. Free from what? The water doused the flames within me and whatever unseen shackles held my body before have been shattered. The shape is nowhere to be seen, its presence vanished entirely, and the waves carry me away into nothingness.

I drift along in the perpetual gloom of loneliness, with nothing but the ghostly memories of the black shape keeping me company. It's gone now, which should bring me comfort, but I can't help but sense a longing for it. I feel cool water lapping around me and the familiar taste of salt.

Drifting and drifting, for how long I cannot say, I almost forget the unpleasantness of the surrounding world. I know it's only a dream, but every passing second makes me care less and less about returning to what's real. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to stay here. Maybe, I could just...

A large wave crashes over me and pulls me beneath the water. I frantically begin kicking to resurface but never make it before the water disappears entirely. I begin falling again, my stomach dropping and heart leaping into my throat. My shadowy partner flies out from the darkness and catches me, but its presence has filled me with an unfamiliar terror.

It's twisted and monstrous. The shape slowly tangles around me, a wriggling mass of tentacles, panting and whispering my name repeatedly. Its voice is now in my head, no longer washing me in sage and honey but with no less of a foul aura around it. For the first time since these dreams began, I could almost understand it. It sounded familiar, having to belong to someone I held close to me, and it terrifies me.

"-become mine, Na-tsu-ki?"

Who says my name like that?

The more I try to connect the dots, the more the shape changes around me. I writhe under its touch but the tentacles have now retracted into human limbs; A small mercy that I gladly accept at this point. The shape now holds me close to itself, but there is a feeling of familiarity that almost relaxes me enough to stop squirming. I want more than anything to trust that feeling, but I feel now as if whatever-or whoever-this thing is has been playing with me, luring me into a trap. I struggle in the shape's grasp and it continues to change form around me. It has a very nearly human-like silhouette now.

A balloon forms in my mouth, a pocket of skin attached behind both rows of teeth, inflating with and muffling every plea for mercy I cry, every call for someone to save me. The more I move, the tighter I'm held. My tongue is rendered useless and I remain silent but I struggle to free myself no less.

I have no choice.

The shape crushes my body against itself.

"Natsuki belongs to me now, and only me."

What? No! I don't belong to anyone!

Its whispering changes to low murmurs and its touch cascades over my skin as it speaks to me, saying what is supposed to bring me comfort and warmth in the darkness. The sound makes my skin itch and crawl with uncertainty; I sense desperation and sorrow behind words I always imagined would be beautiful and sweet one day.

"I love you, my Natsuki."

The shape continues its crushing embrace and I can no longer breathe. I stop struggling. My brain tells me to fight, to free myself, but my heart knows there is no point. In my slumber, the shape, the smell, the voice, all make sense to me now.

She never saved me, she had reached inside of me and stolen all that was mine.

She.

The blackness fades around me and I am thrust back into the physical world composed of pain and betrayal as I open my eyes. Clear as ever, Shizuru Fujino thrusts desperately into me, panting and whispering confessions of love in my ear.

Burning tears streak down my face, so hot I can feel them clearly through the haze of the nightmare. No, this isn't a nightmare, but it's the first time in my life that I wish it were. How long has she been doing this to me? How many times? How long have I known the truth but was unable to do anything about it?

There's only one way for me to get my answer.

"Shizuru?" I rasp, voice quavering in fear and despair.

When she turns to look at me with glazed, lust-filled eyes that quickly cloud over in fear, I know that I'm awake.

When her movements don't stop and she croaks "Forgive me, Natsuki," as she finishes inside me, I know that I had never been truly sleeping.

Why can't I be dreaming?