If you're a new reader, welcome! If you're an old reader then you'll notice that I took down all the chapters. After three years and too many title changes (sorry) I realized I had written myself into a corner and decided to just rewrite the whole thing.

This is set right after avengers, and it does go a little more into Steve adjusting because there wasn't nearly enough of it in Avengers. Basically everything is the same except Natasha wasn't recruited yet.

Warnings: suicidal thoughts and depression. There is also a brief mention of domestic abuse. Nothing too bad, but a warning is needed.

Steve's footsteps echoed through the empty halls of SHIELD, each thud making the silence more deafening. That wasn't the first time almost all the halls in SHIELD were empty, it was a rare occasion for Steve to see anyone actually having a conversation on most of the floors, or any interaction really. He hated it.

During the war times were tough, but at least he felt connected to people. They'd laugh and exchange stories, come up with nicknames, talk about what what they'd do when they got home. He dreamed of it, the Brooklyn he left behind. His Brooklyn. From the moment he went to war, it was gone, vanished. The stores his Ma would buy what little food they could afford, the movie theater he and Bucky used to attend, hell even all the alleyways he was beat up in, they were all changed forever.

Change would have came eventually to a bustling city whether Steve witnessed the progress or not, he knew that of course, but there were some things that he'd never get back. He found his mind drifting to Bucky and Peggy often, they consumed his every thought when he was both awake and asleep. Bucky was gone long before Steve was and it stung to know that Bucky was never meant to be a permanent fixture in his life. But Peggy was different, he would never know what could have been. She could have been his future after the war, his beam of light to combat all the horrible things he had to witnessed on the front lines. Things he lived through that still haunted him even if now they were only a memory in a text book to most. He was proud when he heard of all the work Peggy did to create SHIELD, and he couldn't help but wonder how much she would have needed him then. It was finally time Peggy gained the recognition she deserved and Steve only wished he was there to support her through it all. The tables had turned, and it was Steve's turn to get through life without her as she did without him.

From the first moment he saw her, he fell for her, hard. Bucky knew it and eventually his entire team did as time passed. He remembered the endless teasing he got for his infatuation, and while he was embarrassed at the time, he craved it now. Having people around him who actually knew and cared about him and ones he could call his friends. He was sure if Bucky or Peggy were here they'd see right through his everyday act.

Steve had never felt so alone.

Even when his mother died, Bucky was right there beside him, handing him a key and offering him a home so he wouldn't be alone. Then when he eventually lost Bucky, Peggy was there with reassurance and sympathy. He was sure if he lost anyone now, no one would be there for him. The thought made him stop walking momentarily. Isn't that what was happening? He lost everyone.

No one was there with him when he opened the rusty, creaky gate of the cemetery. He accidentally crushed the flowers in his hands as he walked through the grass, his eyes reading every grave and his mouth whispering every name of the fallen. But there was one name that made his voice catch in his throat and made him stop walking: James Buchanan Barnes. He fell to his knees in front of the grave, only to be face to face with the grave next to Bucky's. Steven Grant Rogers. Beloved hero, and a good man. Captain America. Flowers covered the empty grave that he wished he had filled. As he stared at the two empty graves side by side, he wished his frostbitten body was under the dirt he was kneeling on. He would have been buried next to his best friend, no, his brother, he would have finally been at peace.

He was so tired.

He left the cemetery with a tear stained face and with a mouth still dry from all his respects that he never got to pay to his troop. It felt like a final goodbye to the Howling Commandos when Steve closed the gate behind him, leaving them behind forever.

It was bittersweet when he found out that Peggy was still alive, but he still was eager to see her and he did. Every week, sometimes four times a week minimum he'd go to see her, flowers the same shade of red her lips used to be in hand. It pained him seeing her memory slip away, but it worth it for the few minutes he got with her. But it was only short lived. The flowers laid wilted on his counter the day he read that Peggy passed away. He wasn't told by someone who cared for him and was concerned about him, he wasn't even called. No, Steve found out by a news station. The mug of coffee he was holding slipped out of his hand when he heard the headline. That was the day that he ran into open fire and didn't think twice. Stark had pulled him aside, asked him what the hell he was thinking. But Steve only laughed, because for the first time since the ice, he actually felt something other than the ever present sinking feeling in his chest.

He had his team, but it wasn't the same. It was built on a foundation of mistrust, their differences were solved but they were no howling commandos. He didn't come into this century as Steve Rogers, but as Captain America. No one saw him as human, only a living legend. All the people that knew Steve Rogers, really knew him, were in the ground.

The last thing he remembered was crashing the plane and inhaling the cold air and letting it stab at his insides as it slowly washed over all the warmth in his body. He closed his eyes, a peaceful feeling washing over him despite the pain because he knew he died for a good cause. He accepted it and he was ready for it.

Then he didn't die and he was brought back as a living legend. He was told the world needed him, but he didn't want to be apart of it anymore. The first time he opened his eyes after the ice he wanted to see his mother, the same beautiful and comforting smile on her face, the one that will always be in his memory, and he wanted to see Bucky telling him it wasn't his fault. But instead all he woke up to was people trying to deceive him. He doesn't think they knew how cruel what they did to him actually was. They gave him false hope only to have it ripped away from him. He wanted to die knowing he did something right. And he would've. Saving thousands and ending a Nazi organization, what a way to go. A way that was wasted.

The sound of laughter behind him brought him back from his thoughts. The halls weren't always empty he guessed. There were one or two floors of the building that were crowded, one of which held the daycare. Steve had walked by it before, men and women clad in SHIELD uniforms would eagerly push the glass door open. There were squeals of delight from the children when they noticed their parents had finally come to collect them, and they'd cling to their parents as they exited the daycare. It was a life he has always wanted, but also a life that seemed so far away now. He avoided the daycare at all costs and changed his routes to the vacant floors instead.

Silence was better than the harsh truth.

He never expressed his troubles to anyone, he didn't want to be a bother to anyone. They had their own problems, and he still didn't feel comfortable sharing any of it with strangers. That's what they were: strangers. And to be honest, Steve didn't even know what he was doing. He didn't know why he got up every morning, he didn't know why he put on the suit and fought. He didn't know what to do with himself or what to fight for. He just didn't know. He was so confused. Confused to why he was brought back, why so much was still expected of him, and he was confused to why he wasn't dead yet.

He came face to face with the door to the conference room. He didn't want to go in, he didn't want to go on another mission. But then his mother's words echoed through his head.

You always stand up.

He remembered when she told him the words. Steve was only six and his father had come home in a drunken rage, yelling at his mother. Steve watched helplessly as he struck her, but his mother never stood down. After, when she held him in his arms he had asked her why she didn't just stay down. She had said those words to him then with such an unwavering bravery that it always stuck with him.

He needed those words now more than ever. For as long as he could remember, he had always strived to be as brave as his mother. When his father passed their standard of living did go down with their financial problems, but Steve never mourned his father. When his mother passed it felt like his world had shattered, she was taken from him too soon, but when his father passed it felt like Steve could finally breathe. His father was cowardly and Steve never wanted to be anything like him.

When he accepted the serum he was committing to the title, and all the responsibility that came with it. He was needed even if he didn't want to be.

With a sigh he slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out the cold metal compass. He flipped open the small compass to see the black-and-white photo of Peggy's smiling face. He sighed again. "What have I been thrown into?" He muttered to himself, it seemed like he had been talking to himself a lot lately.

Several pairs of eyes turned to him as he pushed open the door. "Nice of you to finally join us, Captain," Fury said. Steve didn't know what to make of him. He fought for what he thought was right -but that was the key word, thought. Maria Hill was the only one besides Fury to be standing. Steve liked her, she was serious about her work and he respected that.

"Lost track of time," Steve said.

"Captain," Maria greeted.

"Hill," He nodded his head as he pulled back the heavy chair and sat down. Everyone's attention turned back to Fury, but his eyes scanned the room. It was funny, they were his team but he barely knew them.

Tony didn't look like he wanted to be sitting. He was sitting on the edge of his seat and jiggling his leg slightly. He was very much like Howard; arrogant but a genius. Of course Howard would have fared better in this time than Steve does. His mind was ahead of his time, and Steve was glad to know it was passed onto his son and not wasted. He just wished Tony was more bearable to be around.

Doctor Banner was stiff in his chair, Steve noticed he didn't like small rooms very much. They got along well enough, they just both had their own problems to deal with.

Thor was leaning back in his chair. He was wearing normal clothes and his blond hair was pulled into a bun. That was new to Steve, men with long hair; well, there was a long list of things that were new to Steve. Thor was easy enough to be around, he made Steve laugh occasionally and it cleared his mind for an hour or two. But he was a god, and through that another thing was taken from Steve. God, and it was when he needed Him the most. But recently Steve had been losing faith, and it had nothing to do with Thor.

Then there was Clint. He was draped over his chair and he had an arrow in his hand that he was idly twirling. Like Thor, Steve liked being around Clint, but Steve hadn't really wanted to be near anyone lately. That and he was pretty sure that Clint usually just switched off his hearing aid for most of the day.

This was his team. He wasn't sure how he felt about that.

"There has been a problem in Russia that has captured our attention," Fury said, sliding his hands on the conference table and leaning forward. "The Red Room has recently picked up an old program we believed was a problem that we already solved. The Black Widow Initiative." Fury could see the curiosity in the mens' eyes as he looked around the table. "It was a competition between their female agents for the title of the Black Widow, and it seems there's a new winner." Maria reached behind him and holograms popped up behind Fury. "Natalia Romanova, the newest Black Widow." A picture of a red headed woman popped up on the screen, it was a snap shot of footage showing her pulling a gun out with her red curls fanning out around her. "This is a problem that needs to be solved immediately. Captain, I trust your judgement for this decision. Bring her back to recruit her, but if she's too far gone, we cant have the risk of her breathing."

"Wait, wait wait wait," Tony said, "we have to go to Russia?"

"No, Romanova is just going to be in New York. Of course you're going to Russia, Stark," Fury snapped.

"You've got a plan or are we just going to shoot guns in the snow until she shows up?" Steve asked. That was another thing about his team. Compromising was like pulling teeth with them. Someone always seemed to have another mission than the one he was following and gave out, and first they'd actually would have to agree on a mission tactic before it got screwed up.

Fury tossed a thick manila folder in front of him and the rest of the team. "I was getting to that." Steve flipped open the folder to reveal several maps of Russia and a few more pictures of Natalia. There was a thin packet with the background of the Black Widow program, it held the names of the women involved with Natalia's name circled in red. It also described the stages of the competition, which made Steve wince slightly as he leafed through the packet.

"When you arrive in Russia, it will be right before the polar night begins," Fury explained as the sound of turning papers filled the room as the men flipped through the packets. "I fully expect you to complete the mission before it begins, and use the darkness to return to New York unnoticed." Steve could see the complaint on the tip of Tony's tongue, he probably didn't like the idea of no sunlight for a long period of time, but he must have thought better than to complain since he remained silent. "Captain, the rest is on you," Fury said before dismissing himself from the room, Hill behind him.

All eyes turned to Steve. "Alright," he said, taking out the map that showed the green areas, "there's a forest close to the base. We could conceal the quinjet there for the duration of the mission, then we can easily leave when the time comes."

"What if a few crazy kids decide to take a joy ride if they find it?" Tony asked.

"That wont happen," Clint said.

"They're Russian."

"Point taken."

"Nobody will find the quinjet," Steve interrupted them, "and even if it was found by some kids, what would they do with it?"

"Rogers is right," Clint said, "they'd probably just poke it with a few sticks and throw a rock or two at it."

"After the quinjet is hidden, we find Natalia." Steve pulled out a paper from the folder. "If we calculate the time we leave, we should be able to intercept Natalia's next mission. Banner, check over her mission sheet, then give me a time." Bruce nodded his head and flipped through his folder. "Her mission is located in the middle of the square, and she'll most likely be in disguise," Steve read off the sheet. "Banner, you've got the times yet?"

"If you all leave sometime before five," -he paused as Tony groaned- "we'd be able to arrive before dark."

"Thurday morning at four thirty we'll meet at the usual quinjet, once we arrive in Russia, we'll go from there. Clint, get the coordinates by then."

"Will do, Captain," Clint said, giving him a mock salute.

"That should be all, you're all free to go." The second the words were out of Steve's mouth, the whole room erupted in the sound of chairs moving and papers sliding across the table.

Steve was the last one to exit the room and he was greeted by the sight of Tony with a blonde woman. He seemed different around her, the smile on his face seemed genuine. Steve could faintly hear their conversation. "Pepper, I'm taking you out tonight," Tony told her.

The woman -Pepper, Steve noted- raised her eyebrows at him and smiled. "What's the occasion?"

"What? I can't treat you?" Tony said as they walked down the hall to the elevator.

Their voices faded when they stepped into the elevator, but Steve stayed frozen in place. They way they were looking at each other- he missed having that. The feeling of thinking that the person in front of him was the best thing he'd ever laid his eyes on, and knowing they were thinking the same thing when they looked at him. God, he's missed it.

That was another thing about this time period, he hadn't caught anyone's eye. Well that was a bit of a lie. He caught a few people's eyes, a blonde waitress at a cafe, a man reading a book on the subway, even a few SHIELD agents, but it was only for a moment. All he could think about was Peggy, and the sinking feeling would return, causing him to avert his eyes.

He just felt like there was no place for him. Everyone had their set lives that he was thrown into, and there was no place that he clicked.

"Bobbi!"

Clint's voice interrupted his thoughts. He was jogging to catch up to a woman, she was blonde like Pepper, but unlike Pepper, she was wearing a SHIELD uniform. A conversation sparked the second he caught up to her. It only proved Steve right, everyone had someone.

He wasn't sure what kept his feet moving, but he kept walking, he walked all the way to his bike and then to his empty apartment. Maybe something was coming, something great, and that's why he still found it in himself to keep breathing.

Steve really hoped so.

AN: If you've read any of my other fics, you'll know this is a little different from what I usually write, but I wanted to try something new. Please kindly leave a review and thank you for reading!

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Marvel.