Hey people, this is my first story so be nice but do tell me what you think. If you think Nat or Steve are a bit OOC let me know... ;) Just to clarify, these aren't one shots, it's one big story.

PS sorry about the crappy chapter titles... my Romanogers playlist dictates my life atm.

I don't own any of these amazing characters... (wish I did though..)

Natasha rolled onto her other side for what seemed like the millionth time that night. She gazed at her alarm clock: 3:27. She sighed. It's not like she wanted to sleep but she couldn't keep going on like this, not sleeping. One of these days she'll get herself killed on an op because she's so tired. She kicked off the covers and got out of bed.

Clint was in Bahrain with Bucky on his first mission since he got back, Steve was in Zürich, God knows where the Director had sent the Maximoff twins this time and Thor was on his honeymoon with Jane; the other boys wouldn't be awake. Tony stopped having nightmares after him and Pepper had Beatrice, something about her took all of that away. Granted, she was a gorgeous kid.

Natasha opened her balcony window and stared at the New York skyline, trying to remember why she used to find it beautiful, because now, it just looked like a bunch of ugly lights. She barely knew why she was still here. She always has and always will blame herself for everything she's done even though she knows deep down that it was Ivan and the Red Room. It wasn't until Clint took her in that she realised that and now that she was part of a team that reminded her every day she had slowly begun to forgive herself; she was the only one who hadn't yet... but that didn't mean the nightmares didn't come, that she didn't wake up screaming, in a cold sweat, needing to be sick to try get rid of the black hole in her stomach. She thinks it's stupid that she should feel so alone as well, what with her boys to take care of her. Her train of thought was interrupted by JARVIS:

'Miss Romanoff, Captain Rogers has returned from Switzerland; he is en-route to the living area upstairs if you'd care for the company.'

'Thanks J.' Natasha slipped on a hoodie and crept upstairs.

'Welcome home Cap.' She murmured from the doorway. He was in the kitchen; he had his back to her, stirring something.

'Hi Natasha,' She could almost hear him smile, 'what are you doing up so early, or late?' he turned to look at her but she didn't answer. 'Nat?' he wiped his hands on a tea towel and went to her. He placed his hands on her shoulders. 'What's going on?' she looked down, her lip trembling. He lifted her chin, a tear escaping one eye. 'Hey,' he whispered, 'talk to me Nat.' She wrapped her arms around his middle and he enveloped her in one of his famous bear hugs. She shook in his arms but didn't cry anymore than that one tear. 'It's okay, you're okay. Я здесь.' She let out a choked laugh at that.

'I know.' She said into his chest.

'So, you gonna tell me what's going on?'

'I can't sleep.'

'Nightmares?' she nodded.

'And I'm finding it harder and harder to justify why I'm still here.'

'Natasha you need to forgive yourself.'

'I know, I know, but that's not gonna bring the people I killed back, is it Steve.' She'd pulled away from him, she was shouting and didn't even realise. She put a hand over her mouth, shaking her head. 'I'm sorry' she whispered.

'It's okay, I know.'

'I just-' she cut herself off.

'Nat, it wasn't your fault. There is no doubt in my mind that if you'd known what you were doing, you wouldn't have done it.' Steve took her hands and sat her at a chair on the kitchen island.

'You don't know that.'

'I do. I do know that because I know you.'

'I'm such a monster.' She looked at her lap.

'No you're not.'

'You know what I've done Steve, you know at least that's not true.' Steve shook his head and carried on preparing whatever it was he was preparing before.

'I read this play once. It was about a girl who was sent to England from Nazi Germany during the War, she grew up in Manchester and one day she told her daughter: "You can't let people who hate you tell you what you are." Natasha, you are not a monster.' He stopped and took her hands again. 'You are an amazing, brave, intelligent and loyal person. Sure you're the coffee monster but we all agreed on that so that doesn't really count does it?' her hands curled around his and he brought them to his lips and kissed them. He found her eyes. 'Okay?' she nodded.

'Okay.' She smiled at him and leant her forehead against his. 'Thank you Steve.'

'Anytime, you know that. Now will you let me finish making our midnight snack?'

'Our midnight snack?'

'JARVIS told me you were up so I thought I'd make a midnight snack for two.' Steve got a pan out of the cupboard and poured the mix he'd made into it.

'Pancakes? At this hour?'

'Breakfast for dinner! I haven't eaten since Zürich and believe it or not, I hate connecting flights more than Tony. We had to stop off in London to pick up Bobbi and then we both had to fly commercially.' He fished around in the fridge for some bacon and added it to another pan to put on the stove.

A few minutes later they were munching on Steve's cinnamon pancakes and bacon.

'How often do you get nightmares?' he asked between mouthfuls.

'On and off, but ever since the fall of S.H.I.E.L.D. it's been almost every night.'

'That's a lot of sleep deprivation.'

'No shit, Sherlock.' She kicked his shin under the table.

'Sorry. Well I'm usually up if you want the company.'

'Thanks, but you don't want to have to deal with me all the time.'

'Yes I do. I offered, Nat. I wouldn't have if I didn't want to. Even Captain America has selfish moments.' Steve cleared their plates and then offered her his hand. 'Come on. Let's get some shut-eye before the rest of the team are up.'

'Steve, did you forget that whole conversation?'

'No. I just want to see if something works. If it doesn't then I'll cook you breakfast for the rest of the month.'

'Deal.' She said sceptically.

He opened the door to his flat two floors down from hers. She followed him to his bedroom and he opened the door for her.

'Ladies first.' She rolled her eyes and went in. He slipped into the bathroom and emerged seconds later in a pair of pyjama trousers. 'Don't worry; I'm not planning what you think. Make yourself comfortable.' She tucked herself under the covers and Steve slipped in as well. They stared at each other for a moment 'I hate to see you like this, Nat. I want to help. Promise me you'll try and sleep?' he whispered.

'I'll try.' He shuffled closer to her, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her forehead. She rolled over so his chest rested against her back. She closed her eyes and sighed contently. Steve waited until he thought she was asleep before whispering:

'I love you Natasha.' Before he himself fell asleep. Natasha opened her eyes and smiled slightly before closing her eyes for good this time.

Hey again, hope you like it so far! Do tell me what you think!

PS: the play Steve's talking about is 'Kindertransport' by Diane Samuels - it's actually pretty good if any of you are theatre people.

Я здесь - I'm here.

;) x