A/N: This ficlet follows directly on from "April Fools, Hardy" and will be part of my new Broadchurch AU series called "Broadcrack". It's essentially what Alec and Ellie and the rest of the police squad get up to in the office (I'd like to think of it as the office banter). It's all totally AU, so there won't be any season 2 spoilers for those who are in the midst of it all - though I would like to assume all of these office banters occuring during season 1. I'm probably going to merge April Fools, Hardy into this series over time.

"Give me the keys now," Alec demanded, motioning with his hand at Ellie.

"No!" she replied, exasperated. Alec brought his hands to his hips, closed his eyes and sighed.

"We are not having this conversation."

The whole room had gone silent and everyone in the office watched in bemusement at the arguing pair at the kitchenette. No one dared to cross into that territory – even Bob who was desperate to make himself another cup of tea. "No we're not," Ellie agreed.

"For God's sake, Miller," Alec groaned, "I made you the bloody tea!"

"Yeah, and it's shit," Ellie remarked. She was picking up on the desperation in Alec's voice and a smirk flitted across her face. "What even is this?" she asked seriously, shoving the mug and its contents in front of Alec's face. He scowled.

"It's how you said you wanted it in the bloody email!" He realised the awkward looks he was receiving. "And what are you all lookin' at? Get back to work!" It was as if by the magic of Alec's voice the whole room was suddenly drowned in noise and everyone ducked their heads back to their desks.

"It tastes awful, Hardy," Ellie replied flatly, "it's like you boiled some water and stuck in some leaves from a tree…"

"Isn't that what tea is supposed to be?" That set Ellie off.

"Nope, you're not having your car keys back," she concluded.

"You bloody liar."

"Nope, it's the April Fools tradition. Sir," she added. Alec stood still with his mouth hung open. Oh bullocks...

…

The standard police issue black Toyota pulled into the car park and slowed to a halt. The passenger door instantly flew open and a tall, lanky man clambered from his seat and stood out by the car, composing himself.

"Oh, for God's sake," Ellie exclaimed, watching as he strode around the front of the car and made his way towards the police station building. She was still sat and buckled in the driver's seat. "You could have at least thanked me for taking you with me," she called out.

"Not with you driving my car," Alec called out over his shoulder. With his back still facing her, he raised a hand and sauntered through the entrance. She didn't realise that by having his car she would end up being his personal chauffeur...

"Knob." Ellie grabbed her bag and slung it across her shoulder before scrambling out of the car and making sure it was locked. She hurried into the building and miraculously caught up to Alec's long strides. He didn't face her. "Don't think the practical jokes are over," Ellie began. He rolled his eyes.

"I will make sure they are." He patted his trouser pocket and produced a key card. "It's unprofessional and I will not tolerate it." They scanned in their key cards and entered through the heavy doors.

"Right, I forgot," Ellie sighed. "You're the party pooper." Her remark earned her a glare from Alec. He blinked and suddenly Ellie felt the aura around him change.

"I'll need a follow up on those paperwork regarding that break-in at the caravan park. I'm leaving that task to you." Ellie felt compelled to go along with his change in behaviour. She nodded. They sauntered quietly into the canteen where Alec stopped in front of the "chilled foods" section. His hand hovered over the wrapped sandwiches, paninis, wraps and then it grabbed a plastic tub of rocket salad. "Never took you down as one of those salad people," she blurted, breaking the ice. She swore she saw a look of agreement flash on his face. Was he eating it against his own will? She felt slightly small looking at the chocolate bar she grabbed by the counter and he nodded at it.

"You should try some salad instead of chocolate," he said without any enthusiasm. Ellie had heard that kind of thing from countless people and she couldn't stop herself from saying what she always told people.

"Well chocolate comes from cocoa, which comes from a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate counts as a salad." Ellie bit her lip and Alec raised a brow. "Sorry, I was just rambling." Slightly bewildered, he gave a small nod before heading towards the counter. Ellie noticed one of the kitchen staff stirring a coloured liquid in a narrow container behind the hot foods. "Mary!" she called out, closing in on the dark haired woman. "Are you making jelly?"

"Yeah. It's for Nish before he goes on paternity leave."

"Aw, that's so sweet," Ellie beamed. Alec rolled his eyes and glanced around idly behind her. She leant closer to Mary and lowered her voice. "What flavour is it?"

"Grapefruit."

"You know how to please him and me," Ellie giggled. "Mind if I nick some?" Mary grinned.

"I'll leave a plate of it on your desk."

"Brilliant." She turned around and stared at Alec. They paid for their food and silently made their way out of the noisy canteen and through more closed double doors. Ellie broke the silence again and Alec groaned. "Help me out here. So if you went to McDonald's, would you order a salad?"

"Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug, Miller," he replied airily. Ellie blinked. Did Alec Hardy just say something witty? It was the "dirty Brian" thing all over again.

"Can you say that one more time?" she beckoned, holding up her mobile phone, "into my phone so it can be my new ringtone." Before he had the chance to grumble a reply, he was greeted with a crowd of people blocking the hallway.

"Oi! Can't you see that there are people tryin' to get through?" he barked. To Ellie's amusement, it looked like the red sea parting in half to let him through. She shot an apologetic face to all of the people they passed.

…

Alec pulled out the tub of rocket salad he bought earlier that day from the mini fridge in the kitchenette. He grimaced at it before plucking a fork from the cutlery drawer and walking away just in time to avoid another conversation with Ellie who made her way to the sink to wash out her mug. He opened the door to his office and slumped on his chair, dumping the tub on his desk. He glanced up and was greeted with a plate of grapefruit jelly by his computer. Planted inside the jelly were his car keys. There was a note scribbled next to the plate and he read it.

"Unprofessional" my arse. I'm not going to be your chauffeur. I've taken your computer mouse instead. If you want it back, I'm expecting you to shave tomorrow. Don't bother calling I.T. because I ordered them not to distribute any computer equipment until the end of the day under your name.

"Oh bloody hell…"