The Wizard of Arkham

"…And nobody in all of Oz, no wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring ME DOWN!"

The others in the karaoke bar clapped their hands over their ears at the crescendo to the song that Poison Ivy was belting out over the microphone, seeing as she didn't quite hit the note she was aiming for. Or rather, it sounded more like she hit it, seized onto it tightly, and then violently throttled it.

"That was great, Red!" exclaimed Harley Quinn, applauding enthusiastically. "I've always wanted to do a duet from Wicked!"

"Well, that particular song exemplifies female independence and empowerment," replied Ivy. "A women defying convention and declaring she can make it on her own, without the need for anybody else. Nothing I like better than a feminist musical! Unless it's a feminist plant musical, which I don't think exists yet…"

"Yeah…I'll admit, when you said you were doing a song about the Wizard of Oz, I was expecting more 'Follow the Yellow Brick Road' or 'Ding-Dong, the Witch is Dead,'" said the Joker, slowly. "But then I guess you have some kinda empathy with the latter, huh?"

"I do," agreed Ivy, nodding. "Did you know women were often accused as witches historically as a means of oppressing them and keeping them from achieving power over the patriarchy?"

"Patriarchy sounds like some kinda sandwich filling," commented Harley. "Like pastrami."

"It's not a sandwich filling, Harley," growled Ivy. "It's the society we live in, that subjugates women in slavery under the yoke of men."

"Now it sounds like an egg sandwich," said Harley, nodding.

Joker chuckled, kissing her cheek. "Harley, I may not say this as often as I should, but when you take the concepts and ideals Pammie holds most dear and then compare them to sandwiches, I almost feel a kind of affection for you."

"Really?" squeaked Harley, happily. "Aw, Mr. J, you're the greatest!"

"There are times I regret letting you talk me into having karaoke nights at the Iceberg Lounge, Joker," commented the Penguin, who had been leaning against the bar, massaging his temples.

"I just wanted to put a smile on the clientele's face, Pengers," said Joker. "And you owe me after that unpleasantness last year. Plus the kiddies love karaoke! Don't you, kiddies?"

"I thought you sounded great, Aunt Ivy," agreed the Joker's son, J.J., who was stuffing his face full of ice cream.

"Thanks, J.J.," said Ivy, smiling as she sat down at their table. "Complimenting a woman is a great way to get her interested in you."

"J.J.'s too young to be interested in women, Red!" snapped Harley. "He's only nine! He's got a good several years before he needs dating advice!"

"And Leenie's gonna need a good several years more than that!" chuckled Joker, kissing his daughter's cheek.

"But J.J. and me are the same age, Daddy," reminded Arleen, J.J.'s twin sister, who was also making her way through an enormous brownie ice cream sundae.

"Yes, but Daddy's gonna be extra overprotective of his little princess," cooed Joker, patting her head. "And she should do karaoke next! She's just got the voice of an angel - she starred in her school's production of Annie last year."

"Yes, I remember you blackmailed Lex Luthor into appearing in it as Daddy Warbucks," said Ivy, smirking. "In what was probably the most humiliating moment of his life."

"Well, I thought authenticity was important for the character," said Joker, shrugging. "So I wanted a real billionaire for the role. I could have made Bruce Wayne do it, I guess, but Lexy's bald, so it works better. You wanna do some karaoke from Annie for our big finale, princess?" he asked Arleen. "It's getting late, so we should get you and your brother home to bed after one more song."

"With you, Daddy," said Arleen, nodding.

"All righty – let's just get you cleaned up," said Joker, wiping her chin which had got ice cream all over it. "And get ready to wow this crowd!"

After an admittedly adorable duet of "I Don't Need Anything But You" from Annie, and the subsequent warm response, Joker, Harley, and their twin children said their goodbyes and drove back home.

"Daddy, that song that Mommy and Aunt Ivy sang wasn't from The Wizard of Oz, was it?" asked J.J., as his father tucked them both into their bunk-beds after their baths. "I don't remember it in the movie."

"Nah, it was from some lame version of it where the witch ain't really wicked," retorted Joker. "It's a trend nowadays – taking classic villains and neutering them. We'll all be next, mark my words."

"So there are different versions of The Wizard of Oz beside the movie?" asked J.J.

"There are different versions of almost every story, J.J.," replied Joker. "It all depends on your point of view. Just like most everything in life."

"Can you tell us a different version of the story, Daddy?" asked Arleen, as her mother entered with two steaming mugs of hot cocoa for bed.

"I guess I could," agreed Joker, taking a seat by their beds. "Though are you sure you wouldn't like to hear a different story altogether? If it's musicals you want, Daddy's got a great version of a story about a barber and his wife…"

"I don't think that story's appropriate for the kiddies, puddin'," interrupted Harley, handing the children a mug each.

"Well, explain how The Wizard of Oz is!" snapped Joker. "It's got witches and people being crushed by houses and melted with water! And flying monkeys! Those are terrifying!"

"Maybe you could improve it a bit," suggested Harley.

"I'm gonna have to improve it a lot," admitted Joker, leaning back. "But let no one say the Joker can't improvise a great story. Ok, well, here goes. Once upon a time in Gotham City, there was a girl named Harleen Quinzel, but everybody called her Harley. She lived with her parents, and her two pet hyenas, called Bud and Lou."

"Those are the names of our pet hyenas!" exclaimed Arleen, excitedly, gesturing to the two hyenas asleep at the foot of their beds.

"Gee, what a coincidence!" exclaimed Joker. "And there might be some more familiar faces to come! Now this Harley was a cute girl," he continued, pulling Harley onto his lap and kissing her cheek. "Big blue eyes, blonde hair, done up in pigtails…"

"Like Mommy!" exclaimed Arleen.

"Just like Mommy," agreed Joker. "And she wore a gingham gown with a red and black diamond pattern. Now Harley was generally a pretty happy girl, but she was also a fairly unusual girl – well, it's not every girl who has pet hyenas, for one. She often felt like nobody understood her, like she was just a little out of place in Gotham. And she had a tendency to get herself and her pet hyenas into trouble now and then. And one night, the police appeared at her house saying that they had received a complaint from a neighbor who claimed that the hyenas had got into her garden and torn up all her flowers and plants. The neighbor demanded that the hyenas be taken away to the pound and exterminated."

"No!" shrieked Arleen, waking Bud and Lou, who noticed her distress and climbed up onto the bed, nuzzling and licking her to calm her. Arleen hugged them tightly, tears in her eyes. "They can't kill poor Bud and Lou, they just can't!"

"Well, they didn't," said her father, reassuringly. "Before the police could seize hold of the hyenas, they raced out the door into the streets of Gotham, and Harley ran after them. They ran as far as they could through the twisting maze of streets, until they lost the police, and themselves."

Joker leaned forward. "But you know why it's dangerous to go out on the streets of Gotham at night, don't you?" he asked, in a low whisper.

"Batman," whispered J.J., shivering, while Arleen just whimpered in terror, hiding her face in Bud and Lou's fur.

"That's right," said Joker, nodding solemnly. "Batman. The Dark Knight who randomly attacks anyone unfortunate enough to be out on the streets of Gotham City at night. He doesn't need probable cause, and he doesn't need a reason. He just swoops down on you and beats you senseless. And guess what? That's what happened to poor Harley. Without warning, Batman attacked her, punching her in the face and knocking her out cold."

"And when she woke up, she didn't know where she was. Gotham City was a grey, miserable, gloomy place, but she awoke to bright colors and light in some magic, fantastic land. She sat up slowly, as did Bud and Lou, who had apparently been transported with her to wherever she was. 'Bud, Lou,' she gasped, looking around wide-eyed. 'I've a feeling we're not in Gotham anymore.'"