Carry Me through the Dark

Aaron Livesy had dealt with enough heartache in his life. He'd gotten the medal and scars to prove it. He'd never had much luck either – with family, relationships, himself in general. He knew he wasn't the type of guy that people stopped and gawked at on the street because of his good looks and knew he didn't really have anything going for him, skills-wise, other than his mechanical abilities – which was hardly going to get him a good career.

So he didn't understand why luck had been on his side recently and brought him the arrogant prick that was, Robert Sugden. He didn't understand how someone like him, could love someone like Aaron.

Aaron wasn't sure why he felt this way either – for weeks, months even he'd been wishing, hoping and praying that Robert would return his feelings, tell him that he loved him but now that it had happened, now that he had heard those words fall from the elders lips, they disgusted him. What could Robert possibly love about Aaron? What was there too love?

He was a 23 year old male who carried too much baggage from his past as well as too many emotions – a boyfriend who you helped to die can do that to a person, Aaron supposed – but still, that's all Aaron really was; a lonely, emotional, baggage holder who clung too tightly to those around him whilst simultaneously wondering when they were going to leave him.

His mother had once – sprung him off on his father after their divorce. His dad had sent him into care after his new wife had given birth to their beautiful child. Paddy had Rhona and Leo and as much as Aaron felt happy for his surrogate father, he couldn't help feel left out sometimes. Adam had Victoria, which meant that Aaron had hardly seen him lately; so I guess he's already left me. Jackson chose to die, rather than let Aaron care for him, love him and cherish him. And Ed? Well that was just a disaster in itself. Another baggage ordeal that Aaron had put someone through.

So why was Robert so sure he loved Aaron? What made him certain that Aaron was enough? Was eligible for his love? Could Aaron really trust that Robert wasn't going to leave him? He'd meant what he said to his Uncle Zac, all those years ago when Cain's accident has arose, he was tainted. He had an ability to put people in danger even when the risk wasn't by his own hands. Could he put Robert through that?

The mirror in front of him suggested that Aaron couldn't. The scars that were aggressively carved into his skin were a constant reminder of the baggage and emotional instability that was Aaron. He noted every slight imperfection from the bags under his eyes, to the frown that was always on his face, to the blooded and tired limbs that were his legs and feet. Robert couldn't love him. He wouldn't allow it.

Decision made, he picked up his phone, deciding to play the martyr again and put Robert out of his misery.

To: Robert

From: Aaron

Need to talk to you. Any chance you can spare half hour later?

With the message sent, Aaron looked at his reflection once more. There was no way this could continue – it wasn't fair to Robert, he was already dealing with the problems up at Home Farm, whilst trying to help Chrissie with her psycho-rapist son. He shouldn't have to keep Aaron's head above the water too. Shouldn't have to keep him from drowning. It was for the best. Somewhere, deep down Aaron knew this wasn't for the best – that it would cause him more hurt but he wasn't thinking straight lately anyway.

Hearing the bleep from his phone, he braced himself for the reply. Hoping and praying that Robert wouldn't make this difficult. All he needed was half hour, and then he would be out of Robert's life for good – no longer his problem.

To: Aaron

From: Robert

Yeah, sure. I can get away. Want to meet somewhere private?

Aaron thought it best to be away from the village. Best to be away, where he could think and make sure his point had gotten across without worrying that his overprotective mother could walk in at any minute.

To: Robert

From: Aaron

Yeah, probably best too. Where?

Aaron already knew the reply. It held a lot of memories for them both, some good and some bad.

To: Aaron

From: Robert

The barn? 2pm?

To: Robert

From: Aaron

I'll be there. See you later.

To: Aaron

From: Robert

See you later. I love you x

Not after all is said later on, you won't, Aaron thought to himself. He knew this was what was best. It had to be done. Right?

Two o'clock came by quicker than Aaron would have liked it too. This is for the best, Aaron. He just had to keep reminding himself of that, that Robert would be better off without him. That he had a beautiful wife, and a luxurious life to go home too. Robert would be okay. Aaron wasn't sure about himself, but he took comfort in the knowledge that Robert would be okay.

And yet as he sat in the barn where many of their memories had been shared, he couldn't help but down himself. No, he'd made his bed and now it was time to lie in it. This wasn't about him. He started at the sound of the barn door opening, revealing his blonde haired beauty. He noticed Robert's smile and happy expression, but put it down to the idea that Robert had been with Chrissie previously and was happy from the husband and wife interaction.

Robert will be fine. Just get through this.

"You alright?" Robert asked, still smiling. "I haven't seen you in a while. I've tried texting and ringing you, but you never answered. I've overheard from Paddy and Chas that you've barely been out of your room these past couple of weeks. Been a bit worried. So? Are you alright?"

"Robert, we need to talk," Aaron started, his voice losing confidence as the doubts of what he was doing started to whirl in his mind. Deep down, Aaron knew he didn't want this to be over, but Aaron couldn't think about what he wanted anymore; he needed to think about Robert, what was best for him. He couldn't be selfish. Everyone Aaron loved got hurt eventually, and he couldn't put Robert through that, he wouldn't. So it was for the best that this ends now, before he watched another man he loved fade away. Plus, he wasn't about to beat around the bush with this. He wanted it over with.

Robert's smile disappeared, his face filling with concern. He moved to sit next to Aaron on the haystack, only to be surprised when the guy shifted away from him. "Okay. About what?"

"About us."

"What about us?" Robert nervously chuckled. He had an idea where this was going, but refused to acknowledge that Aaron would once again take them both down this route. He couldn't, not after everything they had been through to get here, not after everything that had been said. Could he?

"Robert. I want what's best for you. You know that, right?" Aaron quizzed, watching Robert's face intently, waiting for the cogs in his brain to click into place. Robert was smart enough to know where this was going, without Aaron having to say anything, so it wouldn't be as hard as he thought. All he got in return was confusion.

"Erm, I guess. Aaron, what is this about?" Robert replied. The younger man let out a breath of despair, running a hand through the hair that hadn't been tamed in weeks. He knew what he must have looked like to Robert; he'd seen it in the mirror earlier.

"Robert, I know we have been down this road too many times to count. But this time, I'm sure. This needs to stop." Aaron stated, assertive in his tone. Robert continued to look shocked, wondering where this was coming from. For weeks, they had been fine, great even. They'd moved past what had happened – as much as two people could when it involved the death of a young women – and they'd become stronger than ever.

"You are joking, right?" Robert laughed, hoping that this was just a bad dream, one that he would wake up from soon enough. With a shake of Aaron's head, he knew that this wasn't a dream but in fact reality, one that Robert would rather have not stepped into.

"Aaron, you can't do this. Not after everything. You need me and I need you. We've been through too much already! I-I love you. You know that! And I know you love me!"

"It's not enough," Aaron whispered, voice failing him as he curled in on himself, taking protection where he could. Robert withdrew then, his arguments failing him too.

"What do you mean, it's not enough," Robert croaked, tears were welling in his eyes now, begging to be released. After all the people who had left him and rejected him, chose better people over him, he never once thought Aaron would be one of them. He'd never cried over anyone else so he wouldn't give the satisfaction of crying over this man.

"What do I have to offer you, Robert?"

"What? You. You are enough," Robert whimpered.

"No, I'm not. Look at me, I am a 23 year old who is boring and grumpy and dull and emotional and quite frankly, I'm just plain negative. I stick to routine, never go off it! I wake up, go to work – whether that is the garage or the scrap yard – then I go to the pub before heading off to bed. I am in no way exciting, I have nothing going for me except my mechanical abilities and even then I can't communicate with a customer properly – I leave that to Cain and Deb's or even Adam. That's not going to get me a good job. I am impulsive – I tend to lash out, which you've seen because you have been on the receiving end of it. I'm a thug; I have been on the wrong side of the law way too many times. And let's not even get started about the amount of baggage I carry with me from my past,"

"Aaron -"

"No. Let me finish, please." Aaron needed to get through this; he knew this needed to be said. The quicker it was, the quicker he could remove himself from the situation and he could go home, curl into a ball in his dull room and cry himself to sleep. Sure it was going to hurt but Aaron had given up on himself a long time ago, he was doing this for Robert.

"And then there's Chrissie. Your wife. Your beautiful, successful, rich wife. Who can give you exciting nights out whether that be at some rich extravaganza or just a nice meal at home, I don't know, lobster or whatever it is the snobs eat. She isn't impulsive, she isn't a thug, she doesn't come with baggage – well with the exception of her son, but he'll grow up and move out, he isn't with her forever. She can speak to people, politely and like a proper lady and let's be honest; she can have the world bowing down at her feet with her abilities. She can give you the world. She is the reason you get the respect that you get. She can give you everything that you've ever wanted and more, she can give you what you've worked for. The big house, the flash car, the great job, the best family, the kids that can grow up and take over the business. You two can grow old together watching an empire grow and grow and also have the chance to watch grandkids grow up. And I-I, I can't give you that Robert."

"Listen, please!"

"No! At best, I can give you a room in the pub where your stepmom and my mum live, and a beer. And that is not what Robert Sugden is about. I know that. And you know that. I'm okay living this boring life, going day to day with the same agenda but you, you need excitement! A spontaneous holiday to god knows where in the world, rich dinners at fancy restaurants, hotels that are ridiculously expensive. I can't give you that Robert. You wouldn't be happy with what I could offer you. And I'm not going to be the one to hold you back."

"Don't I get a say in this?"

"No. I've made the decision for you. I'm not worth the time, Robert. Or the effort. Please just –" Aaron cut off, his voice once again failing him. Sighing, he gathered the courage to put his next sentence together, "You'll be fine without me. You're better off without me. I have a way of hurting people and I just cause trouble for everyone. Go home. To your family. And be happy."

Aaron stormed out of the barn then, leaving a stunned and speechless Robert behind. He'd heard conversations between Paddy and Chas that he didn't seem to be getting any better, just better at hiding it. Maybe they were right. Maybe Aaron's depression wasn't getting any better. He hadn't been able to look after himself recently, opting to just leave his hair and beard to grow untamed, and he'd hardly been out of his room these past few weeks.

Maybe Aaron just needed Robert to prove what he meant to him. Prove that he loved him. Prove that he was worthy of Robert's time and effort and attention. Robert had never had to deal with something like this before, but he couldn't just walk out on Aaron because things were getting difficult. It wasn't Aaron's fault that he was so blinded by darkness that he couldn't see the light that could be found in his and Robert's relationship. Robert just needed to help Aaron see the light. But how?

Aaron had broken down the moment he'd escaped from the barn, opting to run back to the pub rather than take a walk. He didn't need to be bothered by anyone right now, and he certainly didn't need their sympathy. He just wanted to go home, lie in bed and wallow in his own sadness.

He knew that if he was to beat this, he needed to start helping himself but that was easier said than done when everyday felt like a battle with you. People weren't lying when they said that you are your own worst enemy, who knows your weaknesses better than you. Who knows every blow that could bring you to your knees? Who knows all the right things to say so you beg with your own head to shut up?

Barging through the back door of the pub, Aaron ignored the calls from his mother and Diane and instead raced up stairs, before locking himself in his room. He knew his mum had seen the tears streaming down his face, knew she'd seen the pain that her son was in but right now, he didn't care. Right now, he needed to be alone.

"Aaron, love. Talk to me, please!" Cried Chas, banging on the door to his room. He could hear her cries to Paddy on the phone, begging him to come round and help her, crying that he needed them both. He didn't. He needed peace. He needed quiet. He needed to be alone.

"Mum, please. I'm begging. Just leave me alone, I'll be okay. Just go," he wept. He would be okay soon. When he was asleep. He'd cry himself to sleep sure, but after he'd done that, he'd be okay. As long as Jackson or Katie didn't come to visit again.

"Aaron, sweetheart, I can't leave you like this."

"Please, just go," Aaron whispered, clinging to his pillowing, rocking himself backwards and forewords, unable to stop the tears from streaming down his face. The pain he felt in his heart would surely rip him in two and right now he just needed quiet, but he didn't want to be left alone with his thoughts.

"Alright. I'll go. But I am going to be right downstairs if you need me, do you hear?!" Chas promised. Aaron couldn't bring himself to answer, instead choosing to carry on comforting himself with rocking and hugging his pillow. "I love you, son. And so does Paddy. We're here."

"I love you too. But I don't deserve you," Aaron whispered, climbing under the sheets before curling in on himself. He felt so broken and defeated that he wasn't sure he wanted to beat this anymore. He didn't have the energy too, not when he was constantly fighting a losing battle. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, only darkness as far as Aaron could see.

But a light could be seen. In the darkness of his room, on his bedside table, came a light. Aaron reached across, reading the message which had come through.

To: Aaron

From: Robert

I'm not giving up on you. I love you! X

Maybe there was light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe Aaron just needed support to find it.