Disclaimer: These are not my characters, they belong to Jonathan Larson. I did this for Kait, wherever she is!

"Roger, is that you?" I hear someone come into our loft, I hope it is him, because if not I could be in trouble.

"Yeah, who else would it be?"
"Yeah, I was just thinking that." I hear him put his guitar down and head for the refrigerator. Same routine, different day.

"There's nothing to eat!" He yells to me from our tiny kitchen.

"There never is. Hurry up and get ready we have to leave in five minutes." I check myself in the mirror in the bathroom. My usually spiky hair is combed down, and I am actually clean-shaven. I take a long hard look at my reflection. I've gotten old, at least my eyes have. I guess that it what burying four of your friends will do to you. Suddenly Roger's voice breaks my thoughts.

"Hey! You did laundry! Thanks!"

"I figured we owed it to Collins to look good tonight, and that calls for clean clothes. And you're welcome." I adjust my tie and look at myself. It will have to do. I hear Roger's guitar from the other room. "ROGER! We have to get going!"

"Yeah, yeah yeah…. I was just practicing." I walk into his room and find him already dressed in a nice pair a pants and white button down shirt. And hanging around his shoulders, untied, was a tie.

"You own a tie?"
He laughs, "yeah, surprised me too. I think it was Benny's." He looks down at himself. "I don't know how to tie it though, how embarrassing is that?"

"Well considering how many years I lived with you and have never seen you with one on, it is not very astonishing. Give it to me."

I tie it around my neck loose enough for him to get it on. "Here… now let's go!"

"What would I do without you Mark?"

"I don't know sometimes I feel like I'm your mother, and other times I feel like your wife."

"Do I look alright?"
"Yeah, yeah… you clean up real nice... Come on let's GO!"

I grab his guitar and hand it to him and head out the door. Outside, I am shocked to discover the brisk air, but I am reminded that it is September and the nights are cooling. "I should have grabbed my coat." We walk mostly in silence, but we are both thinking about the same thing. Collins. He died last week. We are going to a memorial that the Life Support group is having for him. Roger and I were both with him when he died, and I think we have both shed our share of tears, but tonight is our last chance to say good-bye to him.

Roger and I have been going to Life Support for a few months, pretty regularly since Mimi passed away. Collins had been coming for years, first with Angel, and then on his own. I joined him a few times, but we could never get Roger there. But after Mimi… he relented. So the three of us went almost every week, and when Collins started to get sick, Roger and I went on our own

Roger finally breaks the silence. "How can we do this again?" I just shake my head. Truth is, I have no idea. After April, Angel and Mimi I have had enough of this disease. And knowing Roger will someday…. No, Roger is very healthy. He is not going to get sick for a long time, and maybe by then they will find a cure.

We finally make it to the church where the Life Support meeting is held. People are milling around outside talking and drinking coffee. Coffee is really big in this group. A few people come up to us and give their condolences and kind words. Everyone had such wonderful things to say about Collins, he was just one of those people, you met him once and you never forgot.

Roger and I make our way down to the basement and spot Maureen and Joanne sitting in the first row. They saved us seats. Maureen gives me a hug and starts sobbing. I hold her for a few minutes, rubbing her hair and trying to calm her down. Joanne goes over and talks to Roger.

Maureen finally pulls away from me, and with her voice broken up with sobs she tells me how much she misses him already. "I know Maureen, I do to." We hold each other for a few minutes more until the meeting starts.

"Welcome to a special gathering tonight to remember and celebrate the life of Thomas B. Collins." Paul, who usually leads these meetings, is speaking. "For those of us who were fortunate enough to have Tom, or as his friends call him, Collins, in our lives this is very somber day. We have lost him but we can be at peace knowing that he is now with the angels, and his Angel."

Maureen begins sobbing uncontrollably, I put my arm around her, but hit Joanne's arm in the process, and I pull my hand away. Old habits are hard to break. I hear Paul say that some of Collins' friends had a few things to say. That's my cue.

"Um… I know Collins wouldn't want us sitting around saying how sad we are. He is someone who honestly lived each day of his life to its fullest and would do anything for the people he cared about. There was never a dull moment when he was around." I take a deep breath and look at Roger, who has tears running down his face. I try and give him a private smile and he sees and smiles back. "Collins…I miss you." I step down and take my seat and put my arm around Roger. During Mimi's funeral he never cried. I don't think he would let himself. "Your next…" I whisper to him.

He nods and wipes his tears and carries his guitar to the front of the room. "Yeah, Collins, this is for you…" And he begins to play his guitar and sing a beautiful soft ballad. It was something I had never heard before. I sat there and watched him and listened. It was amazing; no one even dared to breath and it was as if Collins was sitting next to me listening. When Roger finished his song he put his guitar down and said "Collins, take care of Mimi for me." Then he addressed the room, but was looking right at me; "One thing he was always reminding of was to appreciate what I have, while I still have it. I just want him to know that I do." And with that Roger came over to me and embraced me.

Maureen and Joanne both got up and said a few words, as did a few other people in the room. I tried to listen to what they all had to say, but I couldn't sit there anymore and I got up and walked out of the room. I ran up the stairs and out the door and leaned up against the wall, again forgetting about the chill in the air. I started breathing deep and feeling like I can't catch my breath. Finally I hear Roger, "Oh God, he's hyperventilating!" I feel like I'm gasping for my last breath. Somehow someone got a paper bag to Roger and he told me to breathe into it. I did and finally settled and regulated my breathing. I slide down against the wall, and Roger slides down next to me. He puts his arm around me and allows me to put my head on his shoulder. We both sit while everyone bustles about trying to make sure we are ok.

I sit there with my eyes closed and let Roger explain that we will be fine. I hear a friend of Collins' come by, Tony I think his name is, and introduce his boyfriend to Roger. Roger is polite and chats with him a few minutes. Tony squats down and touches my knee, "Mark, honey, are you going to be ok?" I just nod. Then he says to Roger, "Take him home and take good care of him, give him some extra loving tonight." And with that he took off.

"Mark, did he just think we are a couple?"

I laugh, "Yeah, I think so." He just chuckles a little. "Roger, I want to get out of here, let's go home, ok?"

He says sure and runs back into the church to get his guitar. Maureen and Joanne come out and Joanne gives me a hug and tells me they both love me. "You and Roger better take care of each other!" I nod and smile. Finally, Roger reappears and I get up and we walk home, again in silence.

We walk up the stairs to the loft. Neither of us can even look at Mimi's old apartment, which is now deserted. As I enter the loft I go straight to my camera and pick it up. "Is it still where you left it, Mark?" Roger always teases my about my relationship with my camera, saying that I don't need a woman because I have my precious camera. He is exactly the same way with his guitar. I just give him a look and tell him I'm going to bed. I just want to be alone for a while.

I don't even bothering turning on the light in my room; I pull off my shirt and kick off my shoes and climb into bed. I lay there staring at the ceiling and watching the lights from outside dance around my room with each passing car. I lie there and mourn for my friends who have passed and try not to think about the next one of these I will have to go to. Next time, I will not have Roger's shoulder to lean on.

I don't know how long I was lying there, but I must have fallen asleep. I had a very upsetting dream. Roger and I were on a subway platform and Collins, Mimi, Angel and April were sitting across from us. They were all asking me to let Roger join them on the train, but I kept telling them no. Roger wanted to go be with Mimi, and then he kept looking at April, and he couldn't get over to them. I tried holding him back but they were calling him. I pleaded with him to stay with me, but he wanted to get on the train.
Suddenly Roger's real voice woke me as well as the flood of light from the living room. "Mark, are you ok? You were yelling my name."
"Yeah, I was just having a weird dream I guess, sorry." I don't even open my eyes because I know the bright light will hurt them.

"It's ok, are you alright?" He sits down on the bed next to me and pushes my bangs out of my face.

"I'm fine thanks."

"Do you mind if I hang out for a while? I don't feel like being alone anymore." "Sure, no problem." I try to push myself to an upright position.

"Don't get up, you're fine. You know its funny, I was thinking about that guy Tony and how he assumed we are a couple. I guess it makes sense that he would think that."

"Mmmm, I guess…" I'm still half-asleep and trying to wake myself up.
"I mean, you don't have HIV but you always go to the meetings with me. And I never went before Mimi… and well we are always together.

"Yeah, and we always bicker like a couple."
"That's for sure. It's funny because with April and Mimi it was so hard to get along with them, but with you it is easy."
"Yeah, I know… too bad we… never mind." I laugh at my own thought.

"Too bad we what?"

"Well, I was just being stupid, I'm tired."
"What?"
"Well I was going to say too bad we weren't gay."
Roger laughs and agrees, "things would be a lot simpler then, huh?"

I shrug, "Probably not, things aren't simple for Maureen and Joanne."

Roger sits next to me for awhile in silence, I hear him begin to sob. I sit up and hold him while he weeps. "I miss them so much, Mark."
I hold him and rub his back. After Mimi died, he didn't cry, he just shut down again, like he did after April. This is the first time I've ever seen him like this. "I miss them too, but we have to keep going forward, we still have each other…"
Roger pulls back from me and through bloodshot eyes I can see his depletion. "We're going to be ok, I promise. Roger, we will get through this together." He just nods and touches my face. "Mark you mean so much to me, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. I would have given up so long ago."

I smile at him, "Shh, its ok Roger." He strokes my cheek and leans in and begins to kiss me. At first, I am in shock and for about a half of second, I freeze, but then the welcoming feeling of his lips on mine comes rushing through me and I begin to kiss him back. All of the sudden my body is awake and I feel safer than I ever felt before. We tighten our embrace and allow the kiss to go deeper. Feelings that I never even realized I had begun to uproot and escape me into his mouth. I clutch onto the back of his head, afraid he is going to pull away, but he doesn't. It was the most amazing few minutes I have ever experienced. Finally we break apart.

"Wow…" that was from me.

"I'm… I'm sorry…" that was from Roger and with that he jumped off my bed left the room and I heard the front door slam.

I am left alone again in my dark room. Roger just kissed me. That was surreal, and yet it was amazing. I have never felt like that before. I had never thought it was possible for me to feel like that. I honestly never considered men, and I still don't feel that I'm attracted to then. It's just with Roger it felt so natural. I don't know what to do next. Why did he have to take off? Where the hell did he go? I pick up my watch from the floor and see that it is 1:30 am. I pull myself out of bed and throw my shirt and shoes back on and start to head for the door.

Suddenly I realize that I didn't know what to say to Roger once I found him. I mean, what does one say to their best friend after they have kissed you? I kick off my shoes and sit on the couch and wait for him. He'll be back soon, he always is.

A few hours pass by and I have read the first hundred pages of a book that Collins had given to me. He gave Roger and me most of his possessions, which really wasn't many. We now have a full library of books ranging from history to philosophy and lots of fiction. Every so often, I go back into my room and check the time on my watch. It occurs to me that I could just bring it back to the room with me, but getting up wastes time and keeps me awake.

Finally, sometime after 4:10, I hear Roger walking up the stairs. He is trying to be quiet, but I hear him shush someone. I watch the latch magically turn itself and the door open and I see Roger and some brunette.

"Mark… uh… what are you doing up?"
"I wanted to talk to you."
"Yeah, later, this is Kristina." She waves at me and giggles. Pure club trash. She looks like she has been around for while. "Come on baby," he takes her hand and leads her into his bedroom.

Well, what are we trying to prove to ourselves, huh Roger? I know he felt the same way I did, and he is probably just as freaked out, but he hasn't brought home a random girl since before April. That just isn't his thing anymore. Well, I have to put a stop to this.

I go knock on the door, and they ignore me. I knock louder, "WHAT?!?"

"Uh Roger, don't forget to take your AZT."
Suddenly I hear a scuffle on the other side of the door and Kristina storms out trying to put her shoes back on she marches out the door. I can't help but smile; it was almost too easy.

Roger bolts out of the door and grabs my shoulders and pins me against the wall, "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

I stare him down. Our faces are inches apart. "What? I was just reminding you to take AZT, the same way I do every night." I watch his face, the same face that only a few hours ago looked deflated, how now become so rigid. He pushes me one last time against the wall and steps away. He grabs his guitar case and walks in his room and slams the door.

I don't know what to do. This night has been so strange, I just don't even know if I can cope anymore. What the hell is going on with him? I let the animosity building in me breakout and I take it out on the first thing I can get my hands on, which happens to be the answering machine. I throw it at Roger's door and I watch in break into a few pieces. Not good enough, I go into my room and pick up my camera, and without even realizing it, I throw it against the wall and watch, in slow motion it seems, fall to the ground and break in half. I stand there in disbelief.

"Mark, what the fuck are you doing?" He flips the light switch on and now I can focus on what I just did. "Jesus Christ," he pushes me to the side and goes over to where my camera lies on the floor. "I think we can fix it," he starts trying to find all the pieces that fell to the ground.

"Don't bother, it doesn't matter." I can't believe I just did that, my hands are shaking and I suddenly feel nauseous.

Roger sits down on my bed and starts fidgeting with the camera.

"I SAID DON'T BOTHER!"

"Mark, calm down…" He reaches out to touch my arm and I pull away.

"Just leave me alone Roger. Get the fuck out of my life!"
He ignores me and sits trying to put the camera back together.
"Didn't you hear me?"
He continues in silence.

"What the hell are you doing? You come in here tonight, tell me how much I mean to you, you fucking KISS me, and then take off! Then you bring back some whore and expect me to go back to my room and listen to you FUCK her??? I don't understand you. What do you expect from me?"

"I DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING FROM YOU!" He throws my camera back on the floor and storms out of my room. I kick the camera under my bed; I don't even want to see it. What the hell is happening to me?

I hear Roger on the other side of the wall walking around his room. It sounds like he is pacing back and forth. I lie in my bed and shut my eyes and try and force myself to go to sleep. I can't help but listen to Roger walk, five steps away, five steps back, five steps back, five steps away…finally the walking stops, but soon the light from the hallway floods my room again.

"Mark?" His voice is soft and timid, like he is afraid of me. I roll over onto my side and face the wall. "Mark, we need to talk…" I don't respond. "Mark, I'm sorry… I don't have any explanation for what I did." When I give him no reaction, he sits down on my bed and he continues. "I know you must be freaked out about it, I know I am…"

"I'm not freaked out…" I can hardly get the words out.

"I don't know why I did that before… I think I just needed to be with someone, and you… you were the someone I wanted to be with. I'm sorry this makes no sense…"
I turn around and face him. "It makes perfect sense, we only have each other left. I know everything you are going through, because I'm going through it too." I know I shouldn't continue but, "And I know I will have to go through this again, but next time alone."

"Don't… don't go there."

"Sorry." I start to cry for the hundredth time tonight. "I just can't help thinking about it."

He puts his arms around me and tries to comfort me. "I know… I know…"

"Roger, I… uh…" What I really want to do is kiss him again. How weird is that? I whisper to him, afraid to say the words out loud. "I liked it."

"Me too, but…"

I don't wait for him to finish his sentence; I lunge for him and begin to kiss him again, this time deeper and longer than before. And he responds back. He takes his hand and starts fingering my hair and pushes me down on the bed. The same feelings as before come rushing back, completely unrecognizable to me. Is it passion? Is it love? Could Roger and I be in love with each other? Or is it that we just both need to be with the one person who understands? My mind races as I try to sort through these feelings and emotions that are being emulated into Roger's mouth.

He tries to pull back a few times, but I won't let him. I don't want him to run off again. Finally he breaks apart from me. He pushes my bangs out of my face again. I wait for him to speak.

He actually begins to laugh, "this is so fucked up."

I nod my head, "Yeah, it is."

"I just never saw myself with a guy, much less you."

"Same here, buddy."

He starts laughing again and so do I. It is really preposterous that he is lying with me in my bed. Never in a million years would I have thought…

"If Collins cold see us now!" For some reason that just sends me into hysterics and we both lie next to each other laughing.

He puts his arm around me, and kisses my forehead. "I think we've had

enough drama for one night, do you just want to crash?"

"Well, being that the sun is starting to come up, it may be a good idea."

"Do you mind if I stay here?"

"Not at all," I push over and make room for him and very quickly I fall asleep.