The Excellent Courtship of Mr. Guster

Under normal circumstances, Burton Guster would have never put himself in such a predictament. Under normal circumstances he would approach the lady he was smitten for with a tasteful catching phrase, ask for a coffee together, and bring a bouquet of pink, not red, too mainstream, gracefully-blossomed roses on first dinner. But the problem was, She was not a normal lady. She was beautiful, behind any hope, and tough, and smiled a lot, and had hair the color of gold mature corn. She was the woman of his life and he knew it with painful certainty. The first time Gus saw her across Joe's Diner glasses, wolfing down a donut, chocolate frosting all over her pixie nose, he had plunged his business shoes right into three ponds without even knowing. Next day he had changed the route to office just to pass in front of the diner at the right hour. It took two months and a lot of noise on Shawn's part to make him thinking about anything more, and another week to elaborate a decent approach plan. A simple one actually: waiting for her to get out of the diner, pretending to walk casually by it and asking time "without looking like a damn deer in headlights". The chosen day was Saturday, the seventeenth of November, half past eight. Of course, it had to be the coldest day Chicago had seen in years.

It had snowed hard all night long, and tired flakes kept rolling down well down in the morning. The air was crispy, shaded in blue-gray watermarks. A veil of frost caked everything, from the gnarled sycamores along the sidewalk to the few cars weakly limping down the road, to their exposed noses. He and Shawn had arrived there in perfect time. Waited in front of Joe's Diner for half an hour. And messed up everything.

It had looked like a good idea in the beginning: he felt like a tight knot of nerves and whimpers, they needed something to ease pressure, the pole was just there. Lick -the-pole was an old game of their childhood, good memories. Gus had always been a champion. He went first.

And so Burton Guster got his tongue stuck to a frozen pole ten feet from the woman of his life.

That had been five minutes ago. Shawn had run off after any attempt failed and his cheeky smile turned slightly alarmed, looking for help in the nearby shops. Gus was on the verge of tears. He was going to die. He would get an infection, probably, who knew how many horrid diseases lurched on that pole, or it would be the cold, his tongue getting gangrenous and die and fall. And She would see it, and that was the worst part.

Gus clasped hands around the pole, gave a last try. Pushed. The tongue stood solidly glued to the metal and it hurt like Hell. He whimpered. Where the heck was Shawn?

-Ehy. Need any help?-

He froze halfway through another push. That voice, clear, female, laughter in it. He knew instantly who it belonged to. Gus turned slowly.

The woman of his life was standing beside him, smiling gently. She wore a long blue duster that brought out the soft gold of her hair and a pair of black gloves she was still slipping on. Over the fluffy wool scarf her nose was tinged with pink. For a moment Gus forgot anything but that smiling flushed face. Then he remembered the tongue.

-Ah, uh. Ah.- He jumped awkwardly in front of the pole, leaning in a pose he hoped look dainty and hide his face at the same time. –Ah, 'o, 'hanks. All 'eachy. Wh' you askin'?-

-I don't know. Maybe because you've got your tongue stuck to a pole?-

Gus whined. –You no'ed it, didn' you?-

-Yep.-She stated plainly. -C'mon, let me help.-

He couldn't object. She walked up to Gus and the pole and took off the purse a bottle of water, starting to release the cap. -I'm Juliet, by the way.-

-'us.-

-Gus, perfect.- Juliet inspected closely for the best angle and began to pour the bottle down it, carefully. -Well Gus, if I can ask, how did this happen?-

-Ah. Oh. Err, I' 'not usually 'ike 'his.- He squirmed at the first shot of warm water. -I' a goo' guy. 'eally.-

-Oh, I don't doubt it. I was just curious.-

-I' had bee' a game. Wi' my be' friend. To 'elax.-

-I see.- She bent again and made a grim face. -Geez, it looks like Iceman's got pretty pissed with you.-

Gus's eyes got wide. He opened his mouth even more than necessary. –You kno' I'eman?-

-Of course I do.- Juliet's ponytail bobbed with passion as she worked around the pole. -How could any decent person not know the whole row of X-men?-

-Bu'I'eman is no'-

-Yes, I know, he's not one of the classical X-men.-She replied. -But he still counts as one when it comes to character development. At least in correlation with Rogue's evolution, that's it.-

Gus's eyes reduced to slits. - 'ovieverse?-

-Of course no. Movieverses are a complete different thing.-

She looked up at him. They smiled the smile you can share just with fellow ex-strange kids. He suddenly realized her hair smelled like bergamot.

-Ah, ho'ever. I 'as 'erious. I' a goo' guy, 'eally.-

-I know you are.- Juliet's smile changed a bit. -So, you want to tell me the real reason you got stuck to a pole in front of a diner, Gus?-

Gus turned as much his position allowed and calmly evaluated all the possible solutions he had in hand. He could play dumb, make a cunning joke, or tell her a complicated lie and hope for the best, like he would do with any nice girl. But she was her. And so Gus said the truth, looking Juliet in the eye.

–I wa' waitin' fo' you, ac'ually.- He mumbled. - I've sheen you 'honts ago, and I 'new I jus' had to meet you. I've ne'er sheen a wo'an so beau'iful, or so funny, or 'hat eats a donut with such a passhion. I've ne'er found someone that can stop my 'eart as you do. Tru'h be told, I 'hink I've waited for you all my li'e.-

Silence fell. The water finally did its trick. Gus felt his tongue snapping free and staggered a bit, cradling the red pulsing thing rolling back in his mouth.

When Juliet talked, it was with the softest of voices.

-Why saying this on a first meeting, mister?-

-Because these are not normal circumstances, ma'am.-

-No. No, they're not.-She agreed. Slowly, she took a step towards him.

-But I must say I'd never imagine our encounter like that.-

-Imagine it?-Gus gasped. -You have-

Juliet was close enough to brush his chest. -I haven't dragged my partner in this place for the coffee, Gus.-

Gus blinked. She smiled. She was hitting on woman of his life was hitting on him.-Wow.-

Juliet reached out.

-Yes, wow.-

Carlton Lassiter's mood sank tragically when he realized the pavement in front of the cafè was empty. He had spent five minute arguing with the cashier, inane idiot in a inane diner with inane coffee, and when he finally stormed out of the glass door, his partner was nowhere in sight.

–Dammit. O'Hara.-

Carlton took two steps across the sidewalk, shifting between pissed and worried. O'Hara was a serious woman, and his partner above all. She wouldn't leave him there without a good reason, especially knowing how much he suffered cold. His Celtic heritage had loosened up a lot through centuries. He could already fell his feet freezing under the coat brim.

Lassiter groaned and cast another reproachful glance at the road. No sign of blond cops. All he could see was a frosted pole, and a man standing by it with a puzzled face.

-Sorry. Have you seen my partner? Young woman, blond hair?-

-Nope. And have you seen a delicious round-headed chocolate bear?-

-Sorry?-

-A man. My best friend.-

-Oh. No.-

He gave a deep sigh. -I supposed so. Never mind. At least it means he got his tongue off this thing.-

-What?-

-Off the pole. He got stuck there for ages.-

The man chuckled and Lassiter gave him a first real look. He was spiky, tanned. The lips shone absurdly red, nice toned arms pushing against leather sleeves. Carlton swallowed.

-I don't want to know more of this.- He growled. -Dammit. What the heck is she doing?-

The guy was lazily peering across snowflakes, but something in his words seemed to catch his attention.

-Wait. You said your, partner is a young woman?- He asked. -Blonde, petite, a passion for donuts?-

-Well, yes.-

-Oh.-The spiky man started to grin. -Oh oh oh. So you made it, buddy.-

Carlton frowned. –Elaborate.-

-Ah, nothing. Just got the feeling your partner and my friend are both fine. But I fear it'll take a bit.-

He turned to Carlton. Gave a vague shrug. -Wanna play lick-the-pole meanwhile?-

For unfathomable reasons, Lassiter felt heat rising all the way to ear tips. -Ah! Ah. That's ridiculous.-

-It's a great game instead. C'mon, give it a try.-

-You don't even know my name.-

- And what should it mean? It's not like a date, after all. Is it?- The smile Spiky Guy flashed him made Carlton's ears burn even harder.

-C'mon, I'll show you.-

-No.-

-Yes.-

-No.-

-Yes. It's fun, I swear. And easy. You just have to lean in, and.- Spiky Guy bent forward and smashed his face against the pole, eyes twinkling. -An' lick. Easy.-

He grinned around his tongue, and Lassiter found himself almost smirking in response. Then he pushed back to peel it off. It didn't work.

Shawn's eyes widened in alarm. He looked at Carlton. Carlton looked at him.

-Oh oh.-