Title: A Sailor's Love

Author: Me

Language: English

Fandom: Titanic

Characters: W. Murdoch, C. Lightoller, OC

Pairing: W. Murdoch/OC, C. Lightoller/OC

Genres: Drama, romance

Warnings: None

Words: 3,462

Author's Note: I'm so sorry for not having updated faster. Life was pretty busy and I had a writer's block. I'll try to update faster next time. I don't like making you wait, but I also don't want to write something that I don't like.

« The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor should you want to. »

Chapter 15

1,500 people went into the ocean that night. Only six were pulled out, including me. We had lost one passenger. I received a blanket and wrapped it around my body. Not able to stand the cold, I asked for another one. Much better. Dawn would rise soon. We couldn't see or hear anything around us except the stars and the waves of the ocean hitting the small lifeboats.

My heart jumped out of my chest when my eyes landed on a familiar figure. His hair was blond, and he looked young, probably in his twenties. He had a beige shirt with brown trousers and suspenders of the same color. It couldn't be him, could it? Yes, it was!

For a second, tears filled my eyes, and I looked away, feeling the ache of my shattered heart as I desperately wished for my husband to be there. Rose was lucky to still have Jack. I would never see my husband's beautiful eyes or sweet face again. He would never hug or kiss me again. Life with him was like a distant dream now. I took in a shaky breath and wrapped the blankets tighter around me. My eyes found Jack's blue ones, and he scooted closer to me, pulling me into a tight hug. Setting my jealousy to the side, I leaned my head on his shoulder, letting him hold me in his arms.

''Alison!''

Water had reached the deck, and I tried to swim towards Jack. When his hand found mine, he tried to pull me with him. I did my best to follow, but the current was strong. Water filled my lungs. I kept coming up for air, coughing.

''Jack!'' I cried, trying to reach him again. He had held out his hand once more for me to take.

Our fingertips touched. So close yet so far. The freezing water kept pulling me with it as I tried to pull myself up on the deck and take his hand. Then I slipped and followed the current, disappearing into the black water, unable to come back up for air.

''How are you?'' Jack's voice pulled me out of my thoughts.

''I don't feel well...''

He didn't say anything, but placed a kiss on my hair and stroked it gently. He was a good friend. That was all I needed. I couldn't believe what had happened. The grandest ship in the world had sunk and taken a thousand lives with it. I wanted to scream. This was a dream, right? I would soon wake up from it.

My eyelids were heavy. So heavy. I could close my eyes and rest a little bit. Death wasn't lurking in the shadows waiting to take me. When I opened my eyes, I was met with sunlight and a ship picking up survivors. Assistance was finally there. It took the whole night, but at least people had come for us. There was no other ship around, and I understood this was the only one which had responded. Tears threatened to flow, but they never did. I felt a warm body against me, and for a second, I thought that maybe, just maybe, Will was there. I only got a stab in the heart when Jack asked me how I'd slept. Why couldn't it be Will?

I just wanted to go back to sleep and never wake up. What would life be without my husband? Sure, I had friends who cared about me, but it wasn't the same. During our time together, I had planned for a life with him. We would have had a house together, children of our own, and he would still have been a sailor. But now that wouldn't happen.

My turn came, and I collapsed into the arms of an officer upon reaching the deck. My body was so heavy.

''It's alright, miss. I've got you,'' the man said gently, helping me stand and handing me over to a nurse, who took me to the sick bay to get checked by a doctor.

As I sat on a bed, I saw Jack next to me being checked by the doctor. He released my friend and came over to me.

''Hello, miss. How are you feeling?'' he asked me, taking out a pencil and a notepad.

''Tired.''

''That is perfectly normal. What's your name?''

''Alison Murdoch.''

My heart squeezed painfully at the mention of my husband's last name. How strange it was to take his name. We hadn't been married a day. The doctor smiled and wrote down the information.

''Let me verify your vital signs.''

He took out a small light and passed it before my eyes. Noting that I was responding normally, he proceeded to listen to my heart and breathing with the help of a stethoscope. He wrapped the instrument around his neck and offered me a warm smile, writing down the information.

''You're good to go. Get plenty of rest, warm drinks and food.''

''Thank you.''

I stood up next to Jack, who was waiting for me. Together, we searched the ship for his friends and Rose, wondering where they might be. They couldn't be dead, could they? No, Rose got off the ship in a lifeboat. Unless she jumped back on the Titanic. About to lose hope, we finally found them in the steerage section of the ship. Happy and relieved, we made our way over to them. Jack and Rose reunited, hugging and kissing. I was happy for them, truly, but a part of me wanted Rose to feel my pain.

''Where's Mr. Murdoch?'' she asked, looking around us as if waiting for him to come out and join us.

Uncontrollable sobs escaped me. Rose and Jack had each other, Tommy and Fabrizio had their friends, and me... I had no one.

''I'm so sorry...'' Rose said sympathetically.

They both stepped forward and wrapped their arms around me.

''I know what it is like. I lost Helga,'' Fabrizio said in broken English, placing a hand on my shoulder. She was the blonde girl I had seen at the party in third class. The man had been pretty enamoured with her.

''I'm sorry... You loved her, right?'' I asked through tears.

''Yes, very much.'' He smiled, and I returned the gesture.

''Alison. Thank god you're alright!''

A familiar voice reached my ears. Almost instantly, I detached myself from my friends and pulled the second officer in my arms.

''Lights,'' I whispered, burying my face in his coat and inhaling his sweet scent.

''I thought I'd lost you,'' he said, his voice cracking.

''Me too.''

He wrapped his arms around me and placed a gentle kiss on my hair. Needing to see his face, I pulled away and stared into his blue eyes. A small smile spread across my lips, and he returned it.

''Where's Will?''

''Not here.''

''I know. He's in the sick bay? He'll be fine,'' he said shakily, nodding his head swiftly. He smiled gently, waving his hand dismissively.

I couldn't bear to break the news to Charles. He seemed so happy to reunite with his friend. Knowing that he died would break him, but... he had to know.

''He won't come back. He died, Lights.''

''What?''

His face fell as he stared at me in disbelief. This hopeful gleam in his eyes faded as the news of his friend's death sank in. Twelve years of friendship... gone. One night. It took one fateful night to lose his friend.

''We… We made a raft with deck chairs, and he... he gave up his life for me.''

I squeezed my eyes shut, recalling how I'd seen him slip away every second until he would never wake up. Tears streamed down my cheeks, but I did my best to not let the pain show.

Charles didn't say anything and simply held me tightly in his arms, leaning his head against mine. We stayed that way in silence for a moment, listening to each other's heartbeats.

''Would you like to walk with me around the ship?'' I asked Lights, wanting to spend some time alone with him.

He agreed, and we told our friends we'd meet for breakfast. We talked about what we went through on the sinking Titanic. He told me how he had tried to launch a collapsible, but it had turned over. Some unlucky people had died, and with the help of some men, Charles got them off the lifeboat so that other people would get a chance to live.

I lowered my head in shame as guilt shot through me. He wasn't an asshole after all. He still could have let men on the lifeboats, but hearing this story made me respect him a little more. This man had risked his life so that other people would escape a terrible fate.

''I apologize for calling you an asshole. It was rude and disrespectful of me.''

''Apology accepted.'' He smiled gently at me, squeezing my hand as we leaned against a window in the promenade deck. A soft smile spread across my lips as we watched the never ending horizon.

''I should have let men on the lifeboats.''

''You thought Captain Smith said women and children only.''

''More people could have been saved. I should have filled those lifeboats. I should—''

''Lights. Please, stop blaming yourself. You couldn't have saved them all.'' I cut him off, lifting an arm and placing it around his shoulders.

He sighed softly but didn't say anything, and I could tell he still felt bad about himself.

''There was nothing you could do,'' I continued. ''Twenty more lifeboats would have been needed to save everyone. No matter how many lives you would've saved, the number of passengers doomed to die was always going to be one thousand.''

The man shook his head and stared at the horizon with me, not changing his mind.

''Look at you... You went back with Rose to free Jack, and you helped people get on Will's lifeboats.''

''We only did what we thought was right.''

He nodded, turning to look at me and pulling me into his arms. I could get used to his warm embrace. The feeling of safety and solace I felt was all that I needed during this difficult time. I closed my eyes and leaned my head on his shoulder.

''About that kiss...''

His sentence took me out of my thoughts, and I tensed, opening my eyes.

''I thought I would never see you again.''

I didn't intend for the response to be quick, but it wasn't like I loved him. Yes, the man was attractive, but I didn't feel the need to spend every second of my life with him. I didn't see myself having children or a house with this man. He was merely a good friend I could spend time with. I didn't want him to hope that we could be more.

''That kiss was the only thing that helped me believe we'd see each other again,'' he said shakily, tentatively.

No, no, please don't say that. I pulled away from him as breakfast was being announced, trying to find a pretext to avoid this discussion.

''We should go.''

He didn't say anything, and we walked in a heavy silence inside the ship to the steerage dining room. We ate with Jack, Rose and their friends. The air was tense, filled with pain and grief. Everyone around us had lost someone. We tried to keep the conversation lighthearted and hopeful about the future, but it was incredibly difficult knowing that someone would be missing from our dreams.

Breakfast came to an end, and I decided to read a book in the library. Sometime before lunch, a sudden fatigue overwhelmed me, and I decided to take a nap in the stateroom that had been given to me.

Rose came to find me in my stateroom, and we made our way to the dining room. It was a pleasant lunch, but my mind always went back to my husband dying and Lights saying he had been holding onto the kiss we had shared.

Every single memory of my late husband was like a knife stabbing my heart. I should have been sharing lunch with him. When it was over, Charles and I went on a walk together. I enjoyed his company and wanted to get to know him more. Sure, I had lost my husband, but on the Titanic, I had spent all of my time with Will. Charles deserved some of my attention. He had been nothing but kind to me. The man by my side had all the time in the world. He wasn't on duty anymore. Despite that, he wanted to help the officers on board the ship. The captain had told him to rest and take care of himself.

''You're crying.''

His voice took me out of my thoughts. I sniffed and wiped my tears hastily. He took a step closer and raised a hand to dry my tears with his thumb. I sniffled again, slowly looking up at him and meeting his blue eyes.

''We'll get through this difficult time together.''

I nodded softly. Lights must have known why I was crying because he leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss to my forehead. I closed my eyes, taking in the contact of his lips on my skin, finding comfort in his action. In that moment, I knew I wasn't alone.

''Thank you.''

A small smile spread across my lips despite the tears as he stroked my cheek with his fingers.

We walked a bit more, talking about anything and everything, just learning about the other. I discovered that he had travelled North America alone with nothing but his clothes, a horse and some money. He had lived incredible adventures. I could listen to him talk all day. He had made me laugh with some of them, and I was grateful for it. He definitely was an interesting person. On the contrary, I shouldn't have been spending that much time with him. Images of my husband dying kept coming back to me, reminding me that I should take time to grieve.

''You really slid the Oceanic's bridge?''

''Yes! The bridge had to be scrubbed. If it wasn't, it could get slippery.''

I laughed loudly, imagining him in his uniform sliding on the bridge.

''Who would've thought a professional officer like you would do something like that!''

''One day, the commandant caught me. I succeeded in avoiding the wheel house and the wheel. He appeared in front of me and asked me what the hell I was doing.''

''What did you say?''

''I'm awfully sorry, sir. I slipped. He replied, 'Slipped, did you? I wish you had broken your damned neck, sir, as you nearly broke mine.'"

''Well, you're lucky you didn't get fired!''

''Yes, very lucky indeed. You're not the only one who laughs when I tell this story.'' He chuckled, shaking his head softly.

''I needed a laugh. Thank you.'' I smiled at him.

''Oh, I'm sure you'll get to laugh more if I tell you some other stories...''

He began to tell me another one, and once again, I was captivated by his words, not wanting him to finish. This was strange, incredibly strange. Talking to this man was as natural as breathing. Everything flowed so easily. I shouldn't get close to this man. This was wrong, but I couldn't seem to stay away.

The subject changed to our families and how we were growing up. I learned Charles was quite a rebel. His family was in the cotton industry, and he didn't want to be part of it. He also added that he never got to know his mother or two siblings. She died of the scarlet fever some time after giving birth to him. His brother and sister, aged ten and seven years old, both died during the same year.

''I wasn't into dolls growing up. I preferred ships and picking up seashells. I have a beautiful collection back in Southampton.'' I said.

''I'm sure girls love to play with dolls.''

''Not me, I can assure you.'' I chuckled.

''You're a peculiar lady, I must say.'' He shook his head softly, a small smile tugging at his lips.

''Should I take that as a compliment?'' I asked, raising an eyebrow. He nodded his head, laughing.

''How come you're an only child?''

''I have no idea. I guess my father was always working, and Mother never thought of having another child.''

''Understandable. Has he always been the owner of a naval company?''

''No. My father used to be a sailor like you,'' I replied, shaking my head, reminiscing on my father's life. ''After some years, he and a friend decided to create the Oceania line. His ships were mostly based on safety and speed.''

Leaning on a promenade deck window, I stared at the horizon and continued, ''He sometimes said he designed them with me in mind... I have no idea why he said that, but he did.''

''I can only imagine why, Alison.'' He grinned, and I could feel his eyes on me. I turned to look at him and found myself staring into his eyes.

Wait, what?

''You're delicate like a flower, but strong like an oak,'' he continued, the smile never leaving his lips. My cheeks burned. I knew he thought of me that way, but I also knew he'd never make any inappropriate gestures towards me. ''A ship should be gracious, luxurious and strong in every way possible. Every material, shade of paint and piece of décor, from the bow to the stern...''

I shook my head, smiling softly, loving how Charles spoke of ships. He clearly had the heart of a sailor.

''Dinner already?'' I asked, realizing for the first time just how much time had passed as the last meal of the day was being announced.

The sun was slowly setting on the horizon, indicating that daylight was disappearing to allow the moon to rise in the sky. Had we been talking all afternoon? I knew we both got along well, and I was happy to have a friend such as him to spend time with. There was never a dull moment in his company.

Together, we made our way inside the ship and joined our friends in the dining room. Rose kept shooting me glances and smiles. Why was she looking at me that way?

Later that night, Rose and I went on a walk outside. Stars covered the sky, and the bridge was lit by the moon above our heads. The black sea underneath our feet gently hit the hull of the ship, lulling passengers in their beds to sleep.

''Rose? Can I ask you a question?''

''Of course. You know you can speak to me.'' She smiled.

I leaned against a window, staring at the endless horizon before us and thinking about how I could word my question. I didn't want to accuse her of anything. During dinner, she had shot glances and smiles my way, and since then, questions kept invading my mind. I desperately wanted to know the reason behind her behavior. The last time she had acted this way, it was on the Titanic regarding my interest in the officers. Was she thinking that I was interested in Charles? Was she thinking I should pursue this man? Was she out of her mind? I had lost my husband! I took a deep breath and turned to look at her:

''Why were you smiling and glancing at me during dinner? Last time you did...''

''I know you see Charles as a friend, but you've spent a lot of time with him today.''

''Rose!'' I exclaimed, shaking my head in disbelief. ''You think I'd be interested in him? I lost my husband. My husband. Did you forget?''

''I know, and you should take time to grieve,'' she replied, placing a hand on mine. ''I'm just saying that you should get to know Charles more. Who knows what the future might hold?''

I squeezed her hand, appreciating the support. The anger and hurt I had previously felt was slowly leaving me. She was a good friend, only wanting what was best for me. I had to add that she was right. I should get to know the sailor. He was an interesting person deserving of my time.

''You're right, and I do think he's an interesting person. I just want to get to know him more.''

''What do you have to lose?'' she asked me, raising an eyebrow. I chuckled and pulled her into a hug. Then I bid her goodnight.