Volume I
Doctor and Clara sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-… No! They are not kissing! You dirty, dirty little minds…And in fact, they are under a tree.
1.
-"Take it off."
-"I'm not giving you that satisfaction."
-"Just help me out here Clara. Take the skirt off."
-"No. Work around the problem."
Growling noises
-"You won't like the outcome this way…"
-"Don't care; just do it."
2.
-"Don't wiggle about. I can't put it in."
-"The big-bad Time Lord can't even find a hole."
-"I can find it Clara; but I can't fit."
-"Is it too big?"
-"No, it's perfect. Be patient."
-"This is taking forever…"
-"Got it!"
3.
-"It hurts."- she says.
-"Well, that's what you get messing around Clara."
Huffing sounds
-"Will it help if I stroke it?"
-"No. You already caused enough damage."
-"Then moan quietly if you don't mind. Some of us are trying to do some actual work back here."
-"Yeah…You're doing a great job."
-"It's not my fault! I'm being sabotaged."
-"Just get on with it."
4.
-"Sorry. I just can't do it with him watching."
-"Who's watching? Relax Doctor, please."
Shuffle…Shuffle
-"Nope. I tried. I just can't concentrate."
-"Then tell it to go away."
A few incomprehensible sounds later
-"I don't think it likes me."
-"Shhh…"
Flapping sounds
-"Finally! It's gone Clara."
-"Great. Now you can put those fingers to some good use."
5.
-"A little to the left Doctor."
-"Shush."
-"You're doing it wrong."
-"Am not. I read it in a book somewhere; be quiet."
-"Some funny books you seem to be reading lately…"
-"They are very educational; maybe you could read one of those once in a while."
6.
-"Are you close?"- she asks.
-"Just a few more."-Doctor responds concentrating fiercely.
-"You're painfully slow. Can't you go any faster?"
-"I'm just trying to get it right. I'll be done in a minute; or it may take me a bit longer if you keep interrupting…"
-"Fine."
And now for some context:
It's picnic day! Clara has finally agreed to a quiet day in the countryside, but had rather enthusiastically tried to run across a field; the silly woman; and fell down theatrically on her bum. The bum is a bit sore, but the skirt has sustained major damage- it was torn in places, so the Doctor propositioned his sewing skills to fix the problem.
No, I can't make anything sound dirty, but I do try.
And you thought there would be some proper action under the tree? Ha ha- amateurs.
And that concluded the section on how to annoy people. Farewell, and thanks for all the hate.