Volume I

Doctor and Clara sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-… No! They are not kissing! You dirty, dirty little minds…And in fact, they are under a tree.

1.

-"Take it off."

-"I'm not giving you that satisfaction."

-"Just help me out here Clara. Take the skirt off."

-"No. Work around the problem."

Growling noises

-"You won't like the outcome this way…"

-"Don't care; just do it."

2.

-"Don't wiggle about. I can't put it in."

-"The big-bad Time Lord can't even find a hole."

-"I can find it Clara; but I can't fit."

-"Is it too big?"

-"No, it's perfect. Be patient."

-"This is taking forever…"

-"Got it!"

3.

-"It hurts."- she says.

-"Well, that's what you get messing around Clara."

Huffing sounds

-"Will it help if I stroke it?"

-"No. You already caused enough damage."

-"Then moan quietly if you don't mind. Some of us are trying to do some actual work back here."

-"Yeah…You're doing a great job."

-"It's not my fault! I'm being sabotaged."

-"Just get on with it."

4.

-"Sorry. I just can't do it with him watching."

-"Who's watching? Relax Doctor, please."

Shuffle…Shuffle

-"Nope. I tried. I just can't concentrate."

-"Then tell it to go away."

A few incomprehensible sounds later

-"I don't think it likes me."

-"Shhh…"

Flapping sounds

-"Finally! It's gone Clara."

-"Great. Now you can put those fingers to some good use."

5.

-"A little to the left Doctor."

-"Shush."

-"You're doing it wrong."

-"Am not. I read it in a book somewhere; be quiet."

-"Some funny books you seem to be reading lately…"

-"They are very educational; maybe you could read one of those once in a while."

6.

-"Are you close?"- she asks.

-"Just a few more."-Doctor responds concentrating fiercely.

-"You're painfully slow. Can't you go any faster?"

-"I'm just trying to get it right. I'll be done in a minute; or it may take me a bit longer if you keep interrupting…"

-"Fine."

And now for some context:

It's picnic day! Clara has finally agreed to a quiet day in the countryside, but had rather enthusiastically tried to run across a field; the silly woman; and fell down theatrically on her bum. The bum is a bit sore, but the skirt has sustained major damage- it was torn in places, so the Doctor propositioned his sewing skills to fix the problem.

No, I can't make anything sound dirty, but I do try.

And you thought there would be some proper action under the tree? Ha ha- amateurs.

And that concluded the section on how to annoy people. Farewell, and thanks for all the hate.