Ich bin im Dunkeln

I am not sure how I carried my feet to the house then. I felt...drunk, out of it...entranced. I didn't know where I was going, I don't know what I was doing anymore...

Until I saw him...Haruka... My Haru... Darling Haru-chan.

And my heart started beating fast again...with an emotion I couldn't identify myself just yet.

He was in the dark room again. Sometimes I questioned as to why he even had a room like this in this shiny house...but I was never curious enough to ask the question out loud.

Who gives a crap as to why it's there, right? I put it to good use.

"Haru..." finally making my way towards the source of my suffering, I plopped down on the floor beside him, watching bright blue flutter open. I guess he dozed off while I was gone.

Sweet, beautiful...Haruka...

I smiled, "Heeeey," when I saw his eyes on me, leaning in to kiss him, which became a sort of ritual now. Only this time, I paused, my heartbeat going a mile per second again, and a frown appeared on my face...as I leaned back just a little bit, staring at Haru, but right through him.

And I saw someone else entirely for nearly a second, squeezing my eyes shut tightly, in a desperate attempt for that sight to go away.

I love you...my sweet, angelic, Makoto.

At that very moment, I wanted to scream again, but I kept myself together. Deep breathing. That was the key. And as I opened my eyes again, slowly, as if afraid to see him once again.

But he wasn't there. Instead, I was met with concerned eyes from my merman.

And it...surprised me.

"Oh... You don't need to worry about me, my love..." I caressed Haru's cheek, endearingly, putting all of my feelings into that one motion.

"Heeey...let me tell you about today's fun events," I paused, watching closely for his reaction, calculating every sign, as I said the following line, "I saw Rin..." I paused...and although I was supposed to have paid attention to his reaction...when I thought back to him again, I couldn't focus anymore... And his name came a mere whisper from my lips "And Sousuke..."

I carried Haru away to the bed. I liked seeing him there with me...and today, I especially needed him.

Wish you needed me as much as I need you...Haru-chan...

I told him the entire story with dead eyes. I would be crying, I know I would be... If I had anymore tears left in my eyes to shed. I don't know what Haru's reaction was during the entirety of the story. And...for the first time in my life... I didn't care. My heart was hurting so damn much I thought it was going to burst...

Until finally... I focused on him again.

What's this I was looking at right now..?

Surprise? Disbelieve? What?

I couldn't read... Oh god... I couldn't understand what he was showing me...

I... I always understood his-

Did I...really love Haru..?

Another laugh. Hand on my eyes.

Stop...stop thinking that way. Stop disgusting yourself with those thoughts, Makoto.

You went this far for him... It's undoubted love.

Or is it...revenge?

A pause. During which my mind was buzzing with too many thoughts and I wasn't sure which one to grasp. Eyes closed, I felt my entire world spin, I felt as if I was going to fall...

But then... It stopped. And I now knew the answer.

This was simply unrequited love. That's all it was.

And unrequited love was supposed to feel this way.

Why did I...choose this... Over...him..?

Ahahahaha...

Ugh...

Someday...maybe I will understand it myself.

It's not like I could ever understand my own heart.

"Haruukaaa..." I let out in a fake whiny voice, hovering over the other boy, "I have a question..."

I suddenly felt stronger again, my mind firm. I know what I was doing now. I knew of my purpose again.

Oh god...my emotions were all over the place...huh..?

And I knew...what was going to happen next.

And it made a shiver run down my spine in anticipation.

Oh god...oh god...oh god...

Adrenaline surfing through my veins.

And my eyes lit up. I know they did. Haruka's expression told me so.

Oh, Haru-chan... Please don't be scared. There is no horror here.

Only macabre.

"...do you feel jealous right now, after hearing all that?"

And I laughed. This time, I laughed because that was the best question in the universe!

There is no way that could ever be a positive. Oh god. I was getting myself into so much pain today I was overdosing!

More more more...mooore!

Let me make you suffer too. Just like you make me.

"Haaaruuukaaaa... You know I tend to get impatient. Answer the damn question."

I was already thinking of what I was going to do. How I was going to satisfy my mind next.

Making Haru suffer was my sedative, after all.

Haruka...cure me... Save me...cure me...

Cure me with your screams!

"Answer!" I yelled at him. And...since I never have, this is the scariest I ever saw him be.

How very interesting.

Grabbing a fistful of his hair, I pulled in back painfully, yelling in his face, "Jealous or not?! Tell me!"

And he finally did.

It made my entire world calm down again.

And not in a good way. Never a good way.

Not with him...not with Haru.

'I...am."

Oh...but I know how to play this game, Haru. I am well aware of the rules...and how it is that I asked the question in the first place.

"Whom are you jealous of... Haru-chan..?"

Haru-chan~ Haru-chan~

How endearing...

There was no pause as he said 'you'.

Okay. That's cool.

"I don't understand...do you enjoy suffering that much? Maybe this is your kink I was unaware of, Haru..?"

But what I said just now. Didn't need an answer. It was all rhetorical.

Liars needed to be put into place. I despised him so much for his continuous lies...

I can't begin to express how much I hated him for it.

Slowly, I gathered Haru into my arms once again. He started thrashing, ugh...how annoying... So I dropped him on the floor before picking him up again. That cooled him down...just like that.

You are so easy to manipulate... Haru-chan.

"Hey, Haruka... Did you know that lying is a sin?"

I placed him down on the counter in a sited position, grabbed his chin and forced his mouth open, "And as with all sins...you get a severe punishment for it."

I kissed him, hard, teeth against teeth as I bit through his lips and eventually I bit his tongue too, which was my main goal.

He sat there bleeding and with tears in his eyes already.

I don't think he had any strength or resolve to defend himself or talk...

Pathetic.

I sighed and shook my head.

Oh poor...poor delusional Haruka.

I turned on the stove.

You have seen nothing yet.

To Be Continued...