I have the next chapter of "Sweetness and Innocence Spurned" almost finished, but I felt like writing something lighter and was struck with the unexpected bout of inspiration for this smutty little parody. This should be steamy, ridiculous, and blasphemous all at once. I hope you will find it amusing when in need of a break from more serious stories!

Lizzy Bennet was just a regular girl, perhaps a little more amorous than most. She had a decent job as a secretary at Meryton Media, a modestly-sized advertisement company. She had a beautiful, sweet, altogether perfect older sister Jane. She had a healthy love life comprised of one-night-stands and occasional month-long relationships.

"Charlie's friend Will is coming to town this weekend, and we are meeting him for dinner. You'll come, right?"

Lizzy sighed under the expectant gaze of her angelic sister Jane. It was bad enough that Jane could not stop talking about Charlie, her new boyfriend, for the past six weeks. It was still worse that Jane and Charlie decided to conspire against her and were absolutely determined to introduce her to Charlie's friend. According to Charlie, they would fit just perfectly.

Jane's attempts to matchmake her younger sister were nothing new. The addition of Charlie's equally cheerful energy, however, was not helping. Lizzy could practically feel herself gag at the combined sweetness of their entreaties.

She had already given in a week ago. Unable to invent a suitably monumental excuse now, Lizzy could do naught but acquiesce.

"Yes, Jane. Tell me when and where and I will meet this Will. We will talk, we will have nothing in common, we will part, and perhaps this time you will give up once and for all. I don't even know why you have to meddle: it's not like I don't date on my own!"

"Oh Lizzy, but those guys you date are all not right for you. You haven't had a boyfriend last more than a few weeks in, what – ever? We are still young, of course, but don't you think it's time to at least start thinking about settling down? I know I would like to soon…"

Aw, wistful Jane is so cute. She must really have it bad for Charlie.

Lizzy, for her part, did not agree. Jane was only twenty-nine, hardly an old maid. Lizzy herself was twenty-seven, with many more years left of playing the field, or so she thought.

When she saw Charlie's friend on Saturday, however, Lizzy was, for the first time in her life, immensely grateful for her sister's interference. My God, this guy is delicious.

Will, it turned out, was the most beautiful man she had ever beheld. He was tall, with broad shoulders and lean but well-defined biceps, the outline of which was clearly visible through the sleeves of his expensive shirt. His hair was rich and dark and smooth, and she felt an itch to fist it in her hands. His lips and nose were perfectly sculpted, and his eyes were the deepest blue she had ever seen. Yum.

"Will, this is Jane's sister, Lizzy Bennet. Lizzy, this is my best friend William Darcy."

William Darcy? Oh. My. God.

Apparently, Lizzy had managed to tune out sufficiently whenever Jane had gone on about Charlie or his wonderful friend to miss the key bit of information that consisted of the said friend's last name. William Darcy was the founder, owner, and CEO of Darcy Advertising, the largest advertising corporation, headquartered on the West Coast. He was not only spectacularly rich, but incredibly brilliant. In her industry, William Darcy was a mythical demi-god. Charlie was a successful lawyer from a wealthy Long Island family. She had expected his friend to be similarly well off. This, William Darcy, however, was orders of magnitude off.

Lizzy felt herself flush, blush, tremble. Her heart was beating faster and her palms were sweating. What was she supposed to do in the face of such greatness?

"Um, Mr. Darcy? It is a p-pleasure. I have heard so much about you! I-I have been working at Meryton Media for the past five years, I think we have some contracts with Darcy Advertising. It is a real honor to meet you, sir." She was rambling.

William Darcy frowned. He did not seem nearly as impressed with Lizzy Bennet as she was with him.

At his dour mood and monosyllabic answers throughout dinner, Lizzy quickly felt her admiration wane. Sure, he may be a drop-dead gorgeous, ultra-mega-wealthy, uber-successful, God among men. That doesn't mean that he shouldn't at least pretend to be courteous!

At the end of the main course, when Jane went to take an urgent call, Lizzy absolutely had to give herself a break, and excused herself for the restroom. Five minutes later, having composed herself sufficiently to have a hope of surviving dessert, Lizzy Bennet put on a brave face and returned to their table.

Jane was not back yet, and the two men appeared to be deep in conversation.

"I don't know what you were thinking Charlie," she heard the deep baritone pronounce the first full sentence that evening. "She is very clearly not my type. Silly, weak, blabbering little girl! My goodness, what a waste of an evening."

That fucker. I'll show him silly and weak.

Before Charlie had a chance to reply, Lizzy plopped herself indelicately on the chair next to Mr. High and Mighty Demigod and grabbed the dessert menu.

"Have you gentlemen ordered dessert yet? Mr. Darcy, I would highly recommend the caramel banana sundae. You might benefit from a little sweetness. I'll take something nice and sturdy myself… the flour-less chocolate torte, perhaps?"

She gave him the dirtiest glare she could muster, and then determinedly turned away. As she ate her chocolate torte, she chattered cheerfully with Jane and Charlie and refused to look at the sour man across from her who had unexpectedly ordered the sundae. As soon as she was done with the torte, she declared that she needed to go home.

"If you will excuse me, I should be getting to bed now. I need all my strength, you know, lest I seem weak." As she shot a parting glare to the arrogant man, she noticed that he was staring intently at her. Had he not made his opinion of her abundantly clear earlier in the evening, she could almost mistake his look for one of admiration.

As it was, when he began joining Charlie for visits to the Bennet sisters and spent most of the time starting at her, she decided that he must only be looking to find fault.

She thought his look had taken on a shade darker when she brought her newest boyfriend, Michael O'Connor, to a picnic Charlie hosted at his summer home in the Hamptons. After that afternoon, Mr. Darcy did not visit the East Coast for five weeks. When she next saw him at a baseball game, he greeted her with:

"Where is your boyfriend?"

"And a good day to you, Mr. Darcy," she replied mockingly, avoiding his question.

Treacherous Jane chimed in: "Do you mean Michael, Will? He and Lizzy split up two weeks ago."

"That seems… awfully short," he remarked, studying her intently.

"Oh, that's Lizzy for you! I don't recall her ever staying with a man for more than a few months." Thanks, Jane.

"Don't women prefer longer committed relationships?"

Lizzy found his question annoying. "No, Mr. Darcy, not all of us do. It would serve you well to avoid judging and generalizing."

His eyes narrowed, studying her.

The next few times he hardly spoke to her at all, until the day when he turned up at the apartment she shared with Jane, during Jane's date with Charlie, finding Lizzy all alone.

"Um, what are you doing here?" She questioned rather indelicately.

He shrugged. "I was in town, and decided to stop by."

"Jane is out with Charlie," she offered unnecessarily.

"I know."

Confused, she realized that he was not going to leave and let him into the apartment. He walked to the living room, studying his surroundings. He had been at their place two or three times with Charlie, in the evenings for dinner when the girls had been obliged to make an effort at having the apartment look decent. Mr. High and Mighty Demigod was probably unused to the mess he currently found himself in.

With a perfect long finger, he flicked the condom cover she had forgotten on the coffee table the night before.

"A new man?"

"Brandon," she replied coolly, even though she did not see how it was any of his business.

He nodded. "How long have you been seeing him?"

"Ten days."

He smiled. "So he's got another two weeks left?"

It was almost funny, so she smiled too. She offered him a drink. He had a cup of tea. Their conversation was awkward and stilted, mostly because he spent the time staring at her, or through her, whichever it was. He seemed deep in thought.

When her phone rang, she mouthed "Brandon" and went to her bedroom to pick up. When she returned, Darcy was standing, with his ridiculously fancy jacket draped over his arm, ready to take his leave.

"I have detained you long enough. Have a good night, Elizabeth."

Then he left. Only to come back into her life two days later, as she walked into her favorite coffee shop on the way to work.

"Elizabeth." She heard him call her name in a voice that demanded attention. He was seated at a corner table, impeccably dressed with a cup of hot tea and the Wall Street Journal laid out on the table in front of him. As she approached, she had the strange sensation that he had been expecting, awaiting her.

"William," she greeted him cautiously, taking the seat across from him at his waved invitation.

"I wanted to speak with you."

"Well, you have all of ten minutes before I need to rush to a meeting, so shoot."

"I – that is – you – " he seemed oddly nervous. Taking a deep breath, he composed himself and spoke smoothly. "I have struggled with my attraction to you long enough, and it cannot be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how much I want you. You are not what I had envisioned for the role, but steadily, I find that it is always your face that I see in my darkest fantasies. You are poor, unsophisticated, and a simple secretary, but I believe you will do admirably for the position."

She gaped at him. "Excuse me? Are you asking me out?"

He shook his head. "Not exactly, no. I do not have a conventional relationship in mind. Having observed your habits, however, I believe that my proposition will suit you well. The relationship I seek is sexual in nature. You are used to one night stands and short-lived 'relationships', if they can even be called that, so this will fit right in. We can discuss the particulars later, and set the limits. For now, I would like to take you to the penthouse I rented for the weekend, and try a session. Despite your unrefined manners and your humble background, I have been wanting you for weeks – no, months. I bought the most delightful new flogger two weeks ago, it stings like hell, and I would love to try it out –"

Lizzy Bennet's barely cooled coffee swiftly made its way onto William Darcy's thousand-dollar shirt.

"You filthy pervert!" She almost shrieked as she jumped up from her seat. "You dare to insult me, call me poor and unrefined, and then proposition me with your stupid kinky games? No way!"

He stood and looked at her with such a scorching intensity, that for a moment Lizzy was afraid. Is he going to grab me, tie me down, and pull out his stinging flogger to whip me right here in the coffee shop?

Shaking her head to rid herself of the fantastic notion, she swiftly picked up her bag and walked out onto the street.

Lizzy was relieved not to see William Darcy at Charlie's birthday party two weeks later. Apparently, the advertising magnate was tremendously busy with negotiations on a new acquisition. He had made up for his lack of attendance with a spectacular gift; the party was held on a yacht he had sent up from the Caribbean.

She hoped she could avoid the man in the future. The idea that Will Darcy, who had called her weak and silly on their first meeting had been fantasizing about dominating her was disturbing. The fact that he thought that her dating history meant that she would be up for the arrangement was disconcerting. The fact that he chose to insult her manners, her background, and her job while telling her that he wanted her was insulting. If she ever had to speak to him again, she could not vouch that she would not send something worse than her coffee flying at him.

A week after the delight that was Charlie's birthday party – Will Darcy did have the sexiest yacht Lizzy had ever imagined! – Lizzy found quite a commotion at the office. There seemed to be a hundred conversations going on at once in hushed tones. Excited whispers, meaningful looks, secretive meetings.

"Char, what on earth is going on here?" Lizzy asked her good friend and colleague, Charlotte Lucas, one of whose chief talents was staying on top of the office rumors.

"Oh Lizzy, haven't you heard? Meryton Media was acquired last week. The new owner and CEO has come to the office today, and it's none other than – "

Charlotte did not get the chance to reveal the name she was so giddily excited to announce, as they were unceremoniously interrupted by Leslie Johnson, Lizzy's manager.

"Lizzy Bennet, your presence is requested in the executive suite."

Confused, Lizzy obediently followed her boss.

"Do you need me to take notes, Miss Johnson?"

Leslie shook her head. "No, Lizzy. You have been promoted. You will now be the secretary to the CEO, Mr. –"

Lizzy did not need to hear the last name, as they had by now reached the executive suite and she beheld his impossibly gorgeous, frustrating figure. As he turned towards her, his eyes were blazing and his lips quirked in a victorious smirk.

"Miss Bennet."

Oh fuck.