Disclaimer: All Characters, locations, technologies, concepts, etc belong to Bioware/EA.

Credit for the cover image goes to Mallyxable on Deviant Art.

Need

A crippling, gnawing realization washed over Commander Jane Anastasia Shepard, standing there in the starboard observation lounge on the crew deck of the Normandy SR2. Alone. She had just tried to kiss Samara. She tried to kiss one of the most powerful, intelligent and downright gorgeous beings she had had the pleasure of knowing and was turned down.

Jane didn't consider herself a vain woman. She was not upset over being rejected. She wouldn't dare think herself so narcissistic that she would become distraught over having her affections denied in this kind of situation. In a way, Jane was blaming herself. She shouldn't have put the Justicar in such a predicament, shouldn't have pushed for something that wouldn't be. Samara was one of the most willful people she had ever encountered, so tied to her beliefs, her morals and her code. To see the look of longing and subdued pain in those hauntingly expressive silver eyes made Jane's stomach drop. Samara was hurting because of her, but that was not the main reason the Commander was upset.

She knew why she was so upset, and why she had been so attracted to Samara in the first place. She knew why, and it made her eyes prickle and her heart squeeze in the most uncomfortable way imaginable.

Walking quickly out of the lounge, Jane took long strides to the central elevator. She needed to be alone. She needed to collect herself. She, the great Commander Shepard, couldn't allow herself to be seen by her crew, breaking down and sobbing herself into hysterics—

"Shepard! I'm glad I caught you, I'd like your opinion on something!"

Fuck.

Jane turned as she approached the elevator to see the familiar hooded, purple-masked helmet of her good friend Tali'Zorah vas Neema nar Rayya. The Quarian engineer was exiting the port observation lounge and bouncing excitedly toward her Captain. Tali had always had an air about her that could brighten up anyone's day. The rest of the crew knew it and appreciated it. Even Jack would be caught conversing with her with a large and terrifyingly genuine smile on her heavily made-up face. She knew she could speak to Tali about anything her heart desired.

But not now. Right now Shepard couldn't afford to waste time when she was so frighteningly close to losing everything.

"I just had a talk with Kasumi. I know she has information on everyone on board, probably so I thought she would know but I'd like to see if you knew anything as well, since you're probably what he considers his –how do you humans call it? 'Bestie?' Anyway, I know Garrus has been having a rough time since the whole Sidonis situation so I wanted to get him something—"

Tali looked up at Jane's face and immediately stopped her rambling. Her Captain's face was strewn with emotion, eyes glistening and lips slightly trembling. Tali was no Asari, she couldn't read minds but she had the advantage of learning how to read body language and facial expressions from behind her mask since her pilgrimage with the crew of the SSV Normandy. Tali had a bad habit of being loquacious when she got on a topic she enjoyed, but even going back to her days as an adolescent in the Migrant fleet, she knew when to speak up and when to shut up. It came with being her father's daughter.

The look her beloved Captain gave her in that moment was one of such pain and grief that she instinctually knew. She knew Shepard needed time to herself before the words had even tumbled out of her mouth in an jagged voice Tali had never heard her utter before.

"I'm sorry Tali. I just… need to be alone for a little while."

Without another word, Jane entered the elevator and quickly punched in the holographic buttons for the Captain's cabin. Tali stared after the Commander, worried, confused, and anxious as the metal of the elevator door slid closed. Should she tell someone that she had just saw her Captain on the verge of tears? Surely Shepard wouldn't appreciate it. She knew her Captain; she knew Jane would figure out some way to move past what she was going through, for the sake of the mission, her crew and her friends.

Tali lingered in the hallway for several seconds before turning and making her way to the mess hall, saying her hellos to Mess Sergeant Gardner and those crewmates currently off-duty populating the table and then continuing on to enter the forward batteries, greeting Garrus with a small tap on his armored shoulder. Hopefully she could pry some information from her Turian quarry himself about a gift while providing some comfort to him.

Keelah, so many around here could use a small bit of comfort.

"Edi."

"Yes, Commander?"

Edi knew everything that happened on the Normandy. She was the Normandy. She knew crewmate Eliza Burnham on deck three was pregnant. She knew Doctor Chakwas was currently listening to the popular Human classic 'Come as you are' by the Earth musical band Nirvana while nursing a glass of 32 Thessian red wine and waiting for blood sample data to compile. She knew Grunt was talking animatedly to Zaeed about assault rifle maintenance. She knew Thane was stepping out of his comfort zone to speak casually to Jacob about work out routines. She knew Jack and Miranda were arguing for the fourth time today over their respective preferred choice of clothing using rather 'colorful' word-play. She knew Kasumi was cloaked in Mordin's laboratory and was attempting to startle him by moving inanimate objects as would a ghost in popular Human folklore, to which he replied that if she continued, she would wake up with several new nodes in her body -that he would control remotely- that would stimulate her nerve endings to simulate being relentlessly tickled, where ever and whenever he wanted (whether he was joking or otherwise, she could not tell).

She knew Samara was currently alone in the crew quarters, hunched over and quietly sobbing. She knew the event that had happened in the starboard observation lounge.

She knew Commander Shepard had just walked into her personal cabin without checking into the CIC first, as she normally did. And she knew that based off of body temperature, posture, heart rate and breathing rhythm that it would not be long before Commander Shepard would also be sobbing.

"Edi… lock the door to my cabin. Turn off all surveillance Miranda has up here… Tell everyone to bring matters that aren't of immediate emergency to Yeoman Chambers."

The wavering in her voice was also a significant tell.

"Commander, The Illusive Man and Operative Lawson were clear that hourly reports were to be written on the current state of all crewmembers and officers aboard the Normandy-"

Jane cut off Edi with a tearful glare to her holographic appearance. Her voice became ice and her eyes became daggers. Even her biotics were flaring viciously.

"Do it or I will rip out your central blue box one motherboard at a time and toss them out of the damn air lock."

Edi knew that Shepard was an incredibly genuine, forgiving and even loving individual. She never lied to her friends and she never betrayed them or hurt them intentionally. She always gave her enemies a way out before they forced her hand. To have her make a threat this serious in such a manner meant that the Commander was enduring something that went beyond what had happened in the lounge.

"… As you wish, Shepard."

Edi had also been scanning the extranet and reading literature about organic relationships, a topic that would raise an eyebrow in question from anyone about why an AI would be interested in such things. Nevertheless, Edi knew enough about them that it would be unwise to circulate what had transpired between Shepard and Samara. She began work on deleting, forging and replacing specific video footage recorded in the starboard observation lounge and would omit the event from future reports.

Hearing the satisfying sound of the door closing and the finality of it locking itself behind her, Jane wiped furiously at her eyes and removed her black and white Cerberus Officer's uniform jacket, discarding it onto the floor and leaving her in a tight black tank top.

She had caused a crewmate and a friend discomfort, even after she had gone through the hideous ordeal of hunting down and killing her daughter. Jane should be working to reconcile her actions but here she was, teetering on the edge of an abyss of her own making. Well, not entirely her own making.

She walked with purpose down the stairs to the small coffee table and sat on the couch. Jane reached under the table and fished out a small package that she had purchased during their last visit to Omega. She was sure she would never have use of them but thought that maybe simply having them would be a half-way decent idea, considering the circumstances. Thanks to current events, she was thankful she had made the purchase. Tearing the top strap and tapping the bottom of the pack on the palm of her hand several times out of habit, Jane took one of the small cylindrical objects from it and reached for the synthetic gas-powered lighter that sat next to the Prothean artifact sitting serenely on the table.

Jane had successfully kicked this habit to the curb years before; back when she had went on her second tour with the Alliance Military. Her Mother had been instrumental in her drive to quit, supporting her when she needed it and kicking her ass when it was necessary. But right now, Jane needed this. She needed to get her head on straight. Mom would beat her ass up and down Arcturus Station and then put her on latrine duty indefinitely but she fucking needed this.

Hiccupping with unshed tears in her eyes, she took the butt of the cigarette and placed the lit flame underneath it briefly, heating it slightly before placing it to her lips and lighting the end into a cherry. Shepard inhaled and then exhaled shakily; grey smoke puffing out of her mouth. The swirling mass floated before her, making hypnotic, swirling patterns in the air before she raised a hand and formed a field of dark energy around the smoke. Holding it there, Jane clenched her fist and closed her eyes, forcing her biotics to flare as the sphere of energy tightened further. The harder she squeezed, the smaller the sphere became. Her jaw clenched and she could feel her mind focus-

Shepard…

With a gasp, Jane's eyes flew open and she dropped the cigarette to the floor. The sphere dissipated and sent the smoke floating up into the ceiling to be caught in the air filters. She had read about this phenomenon: Phantom cognizance. If it was a deep enough connection, a Meld would leave residual effects, feeling your partner in your mind even though they weren't there. As if a piece of them were always with you. The very thought made Shepard double over with emotion, bawling to herself.

She had been willing to (and almost did) cheat on Liara T'soni.

Liara, the very reason she was so upset, Liara, who had just… brushed her aside on Illium. Liara, who used her to do illegal data mining of private servers on Nos Astra to aid in a murder. Liara, who… saved her body from the Collectors… then, gave it over to Cerberus.

Jane had been furious with her former lover when she had revealed that information. Who was she to make that choice? To bring Shepard back from the dead in the hands of a known terrorist organization. She immediately regretted her choice in words after leaving her office. The look of indignity she had as Shepard stormed out would forever be burned into her mind. Just the thought of Liara feeling so miserable because of her made Jane weep harder, holding her head in her hands and pulling at her crimson mane. Even if she did feel justified in her anger, she never wanted to be a source of sadness for the young Asari.

However, Liara's distance to her on Illium had spurred her on to –perhaps unconsciously- seek a source of comfort. That source came in the form of Justicar Samara. Shepard had instantly been attracted to Samara's strength of will, her confidence, her elegance. Their conversations were always interesting and her eyes were just so damn pretty. Helping the Justicar in her life-long quest to hunt and eliminate her murderous daughter had awarded her a new, wonderful side of Samara; a small vulnerability and a glimpse at the beautiful soul hidden away beneath centuries of discipline and training, both physical and emotional. It made Jane want to reach out and claim that soul, made her want to be claimed by that soul. She was the bright, shining light in the darkness Jane found herself in, bereft of the love Liara had once shown her.

In a single moment, during Samara's rejection of Shepard's offer of happiness, Shepard had come to a realization.

She needed Liara.

It wasn't a particularly happy revelation, initially. The Asari had caused her a great deal of heartache with her behavior. The fact that Liara was willing kill in cold blood in order to be one step closer to avenging an "associate" suggested something that made her very heart wrench itself deeper into her gut.

Liara had moved on. After two years, it shouldn't be a surprise. But if she had moved on, why had she kissed Jane during their reunion? The looks of longing they shared, the small touches to her hands, the way Liara had inclined her head forward when Jane spoke during the few short conversations they'd had about Shepard's acquisition of the rest of her team and participation in hacking into private information servers. All of that couldn't have just been on the surface, to keep up appearances and manipulate her, could it? Would Liara even do that? Could she? Shepard didn't even know anymore. She didn't know her former lover anymore.

Jane picked up her cigarette and stood from the couch. With an aggravated sigh, she stepped back up the stairs and plopped herself down onto her desk chair. She took another drag and wiped her eyes once again. Her cheeks were sore from so much crying and she was sure her face was as red as the hair that fell into her eyes. Jane looked up at the display case containing her model ship collection. Each one meticulously hand assembled by her, piece by irritatingly small piece. She was still missing a Quarian live ship model, the empty space staring at her as if angry it still existed. She deposited her cigarette into the empty cup next to her personal computer and turned her chair to stand.

Shepard tapped the glass casing that served as the lodging of the resident space hamster, Boo. With a quiet squeak, Boo emerged from his adorably small house inside the case, looking up at Jane as she reached in and gently picked him up. He didn't protest and instead nuzzled into the warmth of her hands. Jane smiled down at Boo and sat yet again.

"Boo… what should I do? I can't keep going like this. It's unhealthy and could endanger the mission."

The Commander sighed and looked over at her side, at the picture display that sat next to a data pad. Carefully cradling Boo in her hand, she reached over with her other and tapped the screen. A picture of her and Liara blinked to life on the screen. They were in Zakera Ward, leaning against the railing that looked out upon the vast expanse of the Citadel and the Serpent Nebula. It was the first place where she got a proper look at the Citadel more than two years ago, to realize just how enormous it was and just how small she felt in the galaxy.

Shepard had an arm slung over Liara's shoulders while the former-archeologist had her hand grasping her Commander by her hip. They were both smiling widely, Liara slightly resting her head onto Jane's shoulder. They looked so… happy. She smiled as more tears ran down her freckled cheeks. She wanted that again. She needed that feeling of being in Liara's arms, staring into her ocean-blue eyes that were just as deep as the Pacific on Earth. She wanted to fall asleep and wake up staring at that beautiful face and kiss those wonderfully soft, blue lips. Jane needed to feel Liara snake her way into her mind, touch the deepest depths of her consciousness and caress her in ways that were known only to them and them alone.

She needed Liara.

Furious squeaking caught her attention as Boo writhed around in her palm. She stared down at the restless hamster and he stared right back up at her, as if he knew why she was so distressed. She smiled sadly down at him and stroked his small, furry head with the pad of her thin, pale finger.

"You'd like her… she loves animals with fur."

Boo took her finger in his tiny paws and began nibbling gently on her fingernail. Giggling lightly, Shepard looked back to the picture frame and sighed again.

"I know what I want. I just… How can I even begin to talk to her about it? She refuses to speak with me about anything meaningful! At least not while she's in that damned office…"

Getting up from her seat, she stalked over to Boo's case and moved to place him back inside. Jane needed a plan, she needed to get Liara alone with her –no cameras, no hidden microphones, no consoles, and no assistants- so she could discuss her feelings, get them out into the open and figure out how they can mend their fractured relationship. Jane knew she couldn't live without Liara and she resolved on doing whatever she could to fix it. If it had meant hacking more damn terminals, then so be it. Samara was also a concern. Jane couldn't just excuse her actions towards the Justicar; she would take responsibility after dealing with Liara.

She needed Liara back in her life.

Just as Shepard was about to put Boo back into his case, her personal computer beeped to life with a newly received message. Cradling Boo once again and opening the message, Jane felt her mind working the cogs around and around as she processed the information on the screen. Finishing the message, she held up Boo to her face and smiled apprehensively.

"Looks like we just got the chance we need… I just hope it goes the way I want it to go."

Boo simply licked at the tip of the Commander's nose, making her genuinely smile as she placed the space hamster back into his case. She picked up her discarded officer's jacket and slipped into it.

"Edi."

"Yes, Commander?"

Edi's holographic image appeared yet again next to Shepard as she stared into the blue lighting of the fish tank in her cabin. She watched as the various fish she had collected swim contentedly to and fro.

"Resume operations as normal. Tell Yeoman Chambers I'll be down shortly… and tell Joker to set a course for Illium. There's some business I need to discuss with Doctor T'soni."

"At once, Commander."

Jane worked her fingers to input a command into the fish tank and watched as small bits of dried fish food came down. The tank's occupants happily swam up into the cluster of nourishment and ate away. Shepard smiled one more time before going into the private bathroom that was installed into the cabin and checking herself in the reflection provided by the mirror. Once she had her hair in an acceptable state and washed her face to make sure she didn't look as red and puffy as before, Jane exited and made her way to the elevator, cautiously optimistic about what was to come.

The still-lit cigarette was left abandoned in the empty cup, smoke gently wafting up to the ceiling before being sucked into the air filters.