Do you know how stupid it would be it Dynasty Warriors was actually realistic?

Eating

Sun Ce runs in the middle of a battlefield beaten up badly. He breaks a pot to hold up a whole chicken.

"Sweet! Health!" He bites into it, tearing away meat and chews slowly. He gulps down and takes another bite.

An hour later...

Sun Ce is only halfway through the chicken and is still chewing. A soldier wearing yellow runs by and stops to see him still chewing. He stares blankly before taking out a bow and aims an arrow at him. He releases the arrow.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" The arrow is stuck in Sun Ce's cheek and he runs around yelling out in pain.

Gold

Lu Bu sits on top of a really giant hill of coins with the number 999999 hanging above his right side. He sits high up in the air while putting his head in his hands with a bored expression.

"I guess I could just donate most of this to all of the poor farmers..."

Lu Bu gets a huge crowd of peasants around him as he tosses coins out of his gigantic pile of gold.

"Wow! You're so benevolent, Lu Bu!" Liu Bei is seen standing a few miles away from the pile of gold while making a fist. He angrily yells at the giant crowd,"What the hell is this bulls*bleep*?!"

Family

*During the release of DW7*

Sima Zhao happily runs over to Sima Yi and says,"Brother, I heard you are also a newcomer with me! Isn't that cool?" Sima Yi coughs into his fist.

"Ahem... Um... I'm your father."

"Haha! Good one, Shi! That's so funny! Father is an old man! No way you could fool me with that!"

"No, I am your father. Your brother is over there." He points to Sima Shi standing off looking around. Sima Zhao stammers and throws his arms down in frustration.

"B-But... Why the hell are you so young?!"

"...You make it sound like a bad thing."

"It is!"

*During the release of DW8*

Sima Zhao walks up to Sima Yi with Zhang Chunhua standing next to him.

"Cool, is this my sister?"

"Uhhh... No... This is your mother."

"Oh, come on! Why does everyone here look the same age?! This is so wrong on many levels!"

Weapons

Guan Ping goes over to his giant sword and attempts to pick it up. He strains loudly and only shifts the sword around in the dirt.

"GRRRRRR! Stupid sword-" A loud tearing noise is heard. "AAAAAAAAHHH!" His arms are ripped off at the elbow and are stuck on the handle of the greatsword.

Languages

Li Dian was speaking in Japanese while Xiahou Dun looks at him with a raised eyebrow.

"What are you saying?" Subtitles appear under Li Dian.

"I said to borrow your... Something!" He receives a punch to the face.

"We're in China! Speak English!" Li Dian rubs his cheek while mouthing "what?".

DW Intros

*DW7 intro*

Zhao Yun picks up Liu Shan and gets on a horse. He rides away from an army of soldiers as Xiahou Yuan shoots at him with arrows. He falls off the horse. A loud crack is heard. Zhao Yun makes an uneasy face and looks down on his chest where the flag holding Liu Shan is stained with red.

"Uggggh... Oh no..."

Wei soldiers stop and one lone person yells out,"Booo! You suck!"

Swimming

Xiahou Ba falls off a cliff and hits the river below.

"Ahhhh! Help! This armor is weighing me down!" Guo Huai looks from the cliff and yells at him,"Just take off the armor and swim!"

"I can't! Bllghbghg...!" He sinks down in a few seconds. Guo Huai coughs loudly to the point it sounds really fake and says without being actually sympathetic,"Oh no...! He drowned...! KOFFF! I couldn't do anything about it...! Because I'm sick! KOFF!"

Long Hair

Zhou Yu unleashes his musou that involved him spinning his staff covered in fire. He holds his staff behind him, letting the flames on his staff spread to his hair. His hair eventually is engulfed in fire and he yells out to run around, rapidly patting his hair down.

"AAAAAAARGH! HOT! HOT!"

Cao Ren stands a few feet away from him and turns to a soldier to shrug with a confused face.

Weapons Pt. 2

Zhen Ji plays her flute, but nothing happens to the soldier in front of her. She then hits the wrong note, causing the soldier to break out of his trance.

"S*bleep*! Uhh..." She hits the flute onto the soldier's head, but he only yells out in pain while holding his head.

"Ow! That hurt!" He takes out his sword and uses the pommel to hit Zhen Ji in the head.

"Ow!"

"Not so fun when it happens to you, huh?!"

Armor

"Alright! We're off to kick asses despite the fact we're two seventeen-year old girls carrying very unrealistic weapons of time!" Bao Sanniang and Guan Yinping run out of the garrison, but Guan Suo stops them.

"Wait! What about your armor?" They stop and turns to him.

"What's wrong with we're wearing?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." He looks at their revealing clothes and skirts and puts on a nervous fake smile. "Nothing... Just wondering if you're cold, that's all... Heheheh..."

"Nope!"

"Alright..."

After the battle...

Guan Suo looks nervously at Guan Yinping and Bao Sanniang as their bodies were covered in arrows and badly scarred.

"Alright! We did it! We can go hoooome..." The two fall down to the ground and Guan Suo makes a very uneasy face.

"Uhhhh... Yeeeah... I tried to warn you two about that..."

DW intros Pt. 2

*DW5 intro*

Zhao Yun breaks down the stone soldiers with his spear and keeps breaking until he reaches the palace where Cao Pi was standing. Zhao Yun is about to attack when Cao Pi points at him and yells out,"Those were ancient relics, you careless piece of s*bleep*! You destroyed hundreds of years of history!" Zhao Yun freezes and turns to look at the shattered statues with a face of guilt.

He turns back to Cao Pi. "Sorry...?"

"Boo! You suck!" was his response.

Dying

"I will leave everything to you... Ugh..." Lu Meng dies in Lu Xun's arms.

"Nooooo! Master Lu-Hey... Why are you still breathing?" Lu Meng mutters under his breath,"Damn it..."

Eating Pt. 2

Sima Shi breaks a pot to hold up a bowl of rice.

"What the heck is this? Where's my meatbun?" He tosses it over his shoulder with a scoff.

Childbirth (According to Empires)

"Come on, hang in there! One more push!" Sun Quan is sitting next to Lian Shi as she was lying in bed with nurses around them. She grunts and groans as sweats begins to cover her face. The nurses all stand over at the end of the bed to receive a young man covered in blood into their arms.

"It's a boy!" Sun Quan happily exclaims,"He's beautiful!"

"Wait, what?! I thought I was supposed to have a baby!" yelled out Lian Shi in shock.

Romancing

Guo Jia stands in front of Cai Wenji with two speech options floating in front of him.

[I like women.]

[I like music.]

"Phhst. That's easy... I like music, of course." He clicks on that option and Cai Wenji happily responds,"Oh, is that right? Well, I hope to see your work sometime."

Your bond with Cai Wenji has grown.

"What? That's it? This is has to be a mistake..." He waves his hand in front of Cai Wenji to get no response. He pokes her multiple times and nothing. He stomps the ground and yells,"This is a sham! Where's my sex scene?! I can't even talk to her again in order to increase the bond more!" Cai Wenji whispers to him with grited teeth,"This game is rated T."

"Don't I get a kiss or something?"

"You can haaaaaave..."

"MY BIG GAY DANCE!"

Xu Chu suddenly appears and starts to dance to techno music, causing Guo Jia's eyes to spew blood and him running off covering his eyes.