Once again - I apologize for what I've done. Don't ask me why I keep writing these things, because I honestly don't know. I guess it's just my thing. Now... As nearly all my fics, this has a special place in my heart, so if you would take the time to tell me what you think, that would mean the world to me. Your reviews always make me smile.

This fic takes place in an alternative version of the car chase we witnessed during the AMAZING SWANQUEEN ROAD TRIP WOW. The name was inspired by the song "Holding on and letting go" by Ross Copperman (credit to my music obsessed girlfriend, thank you). I recommend listening to this painful piece of music while you read, just to make it worse. Much love to anyone who reads this. You're a star. XO

"It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't
It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed
Some prayers find an answer
Some prayers never know
We're holding on and letting go

Sometimes we're holding angels
And we never even know
Don't know if we'll make it,
But we know,
We just can't let it show"

Regina gripped the car door tightly as Emma drove over all speed restrictions, the old wreck rattling in protest. The blonde had a dead, cold look in her eyes, her features folded in anger as she raced after Lily in the stolen bug. Regina watched Emma from the corner of her eye. She was scared. Not scared for her own life, but for Emma's. She saw how darkness was creeping up on Emma beyond her control, and no matter how hard the blonde tried to deny it by brushing it off with sarcastic jokes, Regina knew it was there. And she knew Emma was scared just as well, but given her nature of always looking strong and never showing any signs of vulnerability, she had chosen to put up her old, stone hard façade, keeping Regina from helping her, even if she needed her help desperately.

"She's doing it again, Regina. Every time I let Lily in, she rips apart my life. Now she's going after my parents, I have to stop her."

"You will, but you can't go in with a head of steam, you'll end up doing something you regret!"

"Really? Tell me your majesty, what are your plans for Zelena? A nice chat over tea?"

"That's different."

"How? Zelena lays a hand on Robin Hood and you'll destroy her, right? So I'll do the same thing to Lily."

"Careful Emma, you're starting to sound like…"

"What? A villain? This is the real world, Regina; there are no heroes and villains, just real people with real problems. So if you're gonna try to stop me, you can find your own way back to New York."

Regina turned her head slowly to look at Emma with wide eyes. That hurt. Probably more than Emma thought it did. The blonde didn't bat an eye. She didn't turn her head, she didn't say she was sorry or that she knew she was out of line. Regina looked down in her lap, choosing to keep quiet. How was she ever going to tell Emma what the real reason for this whole road trip was? She'd tried multiple times during the seven hour long drive, but every time she opened her mouth, Emma shut her down, refusing to talk. She was caught up in her own pain, Regina knew that, but all she wanted was for Emma to know the truth. Maybe it would change something… just maybe. Regina knew she was fooling herself for thinking so, though. She was certain that what she wanted to tell Emma would be unrequited. But even still, a little part of her had hope. Those damn Charmings had rubbed off on her.

Regina looked up to see the tail of the yellow bug straight ahead.

"There she is!" the brunette exclaimed.

Emma stepped on the gas, her headlights soon kissing the tail of the bug. She was close, terribly close, and Regina could see Lily looking frantically in the rear view mirror. Suddenly, Emma pulled the wheel, and the car sped up on the side of the bug, as the blonde tried to get in front. But as soon as she neared her goal, Lily swerved the bug to the side in one swift move, forcing Emma to yield.

"Swan, watch it!"

Regina was getting scared now. Really scared. Her heart was beating rapidly, and she felt a terrible urge to grab Emma's hand, none of which she'd ever admit out loud. This could end badly, horribly, but Emma seemed too lost in anger to think clearly.

"Emma…"

"Shut up, Regina. I have it under control."

Emma stepped further on the gas and gave it one more try on the side of the bug. She managed to almost pass it completely, but the old wreck wasn't fast enough, even if it was only racing the bug. Regina saw how Emma's mind was racing for a way out of the situation, and as if able to read the blonde's mind, something cold ran down her spine.

"Emma, no!"

But it was too late. Emma spun the car around 180 degrees, and as swiftly as she'd hoped that would go, instead the two cars collided with an ear-numbing sound and suddenly everything was black.

Regina's head was throbbing, and every sound felt wooly, like she was under water. Her eyes were closed, but still everything was spinning. She didn't dare to open them just yet. The air was thick with the mingled smell of gas, smoke, and… blood. So much blood. She could almost taste the distinguished metallic liquid, the smell itself playing on her taste buds, making her stomach roll over. She bit down on her guts even if it burned in her throat.

Slowly, she flickered her eyelids, adjusting to all the images that were thrown back at her as she opened her eyes. She gasped in an almost sob, and winced as she noticed the blinding pain the action caused. Her ribs where broken. How many, she didn't know, but definitely enough for her to see prickling dots of light before her eyes. She felt how cold sweat started to run down her spine from every breath she took. She tried to breathe as carefully as she could, but the lack of oxygen made her light-headed.

Regina tried to examine the situation she was in. First, her injuries. Aside from the ribs, her right arm was broken and judging from the throbbing of her head and the warm, uncomfortable stickiness of her hair, she had a head wound. But that wasn't the main problem. She had gasped before for one reason only.

Emma wasn't in the car.

The windshield was broken, shattered glass spread all over the interior of the car. Emma had been flung out of the window. Regina felt herself panic, her sudden rapid breathing sending numbing pain up and down her spine. Where was she? How bad was she hurt? Regina tried squinting in front of her to see, but the sun was long gone and everything was dark. She was shivering now, from pain or panic, she didn't know.

Didn't she have a flashlight on her phone? She tried to reach into her back pocket with as little movement as possible, but still she cried out as her ribs protested.

"Fuck."

She hissed between gritted teeth as she finally reached her phone, sweat dripping from her forehead. She gulped hard as she found the flashlight feature. As soon as the faint light turned on, she saw her.

"Emma!"

Regina jumped to get out of the car without thinking, and as she did, something ripped at her legs and she was pulled back. She cried out in agony and screamed, trying to control the amount of pain her body was overwhelmed by. She kept screaming until it died down enough for her to see clearly again. She looked down at her legs. She was stuck. She only realized it now, but she was stuck. The car had crumbled so badly from the crash that her legs were caught in between the sharp metal. When she had tried to move, the edges had made several deep scratches in her legs and she was now bleeding. As this realization crashed down around her, only one thought was dominating the screaming in her head. She couldn't get to Emma.

Regina held a hand to her throbbing torso as she shone her light out on the street again. Emma was lying on her back in the middle of the street, not moving. Regina looked over her body and nearly gagged. Blood. Emma's legs had been torn open by the glass from the window, chunks of it still sticking out of her flesh. She was already lying in a puddle of her own blood. Her face was scraped, and her golden locks were a nauseating color of dark pink. All that blood. Regina suddenly noticed the hot tears streaming down her face.

"Emma?" she almost whispered. It hurt to talk. But she had to. She had to see if Emma was still… if she was…

"Emma? Emma, can you hear me?"

No reaction.

Regina felt her heartbeat race.

"Emma! Emma, please. Answer me. Emma. Emma can you hear me?" She was nearly yelling now, and with every word, her eyes were blinded by the white light of pain.

She heard a faint grunt.

"EMMA!"

Emma turned her head slowly towards Regina but her eyes were closed.

"I… I can hear you."

Her voice was raspy, almost inaudible, but Regina heard her as clear as anything, and she nearly laughed with relief, her tears falling anew.

"Emma… how… how are you feeling?"

Regina rolled her eyes at her own question.

"Better than," she took a shaky breath, "ever."

Regina snorted and then winced.

"I mean… where does it hurt?"

Emma looked deep in thought for a moment.

"Nowhere."

Regina swallowed thickly, her eyes widening.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Yes I'm… I'm sure."

Regina couldn't comprehend this. She only knew it was bad. Really bad.

"I can't…"

Regina was paying such careful attention to what Emma was saying that it felt like she was straining her ears.

"I can't feel my legs."

Regina's breath caught in her throat and she shivered.

"What?" she whispered.

"My legs. I can't feel them."

Regina's heart was pounding so loudly in her ears that she felt dizzy. She didn't know what to do. She couldn't move. She couldn't get to Emma. She couldn't help her. All her pain made her so angry she punched her hand against the dashboard, wincing as she did but she didn't care. She started crying furiously, pulling at the door, trying to pull apart the claws of metal that had hooked themselves into her legs. Every time she moved, everything hurt, her head spun around, her eyes fogging over, and she felt like she was going to pass out from the pain, but she didn't care. She had to get out. She couldn't be stuck in this fucking car, while right in front of her Emma was… She was. Dying.

Emma was not going to die. No. Regina was not going to helplessly sit by and watch her die right in front of her eyes. She took a deep, shaking breath and closed her eyes, wrapping her arms around her torso as she braced herself for what she knew she was going to feel. And then she banged her shoulder against the car door.

Her cry was heart wrenching and she fell forward as her head was suddenly too heavy for her to carry. Her stomach rolled over and she was powerless to stop it. She emptied her gut all over her legs and it stung in her wounds. Three times did her stomach flip before she stumbled back in her seat, drenched in sweat and vomit.

"Regina…"

Emma's hoarse voice suddenly spoke up from the darkness.

"Regina, stop it. It's no use."

Regina whipped up her head.

"I can't just sit here, Emma! I have to help you, I have to, get out, somehow, and I -"

"Regina."

"No, Emma! For once will you just accept my god damn help and stop being such a bratty teenager. You can't do everything yourself, no one can, and you need my help so just keep quiet and let me help you!"

Emma was quiet for a moment, the only sound Regina's hurried breathing.

"Okay."

Regina raised her eyebrows.

"What?"

"Okay. I'll…let you help me. But you…. You can't get out of… the car… w-without hurting yourself. So please, stop."

Regina could tell how it was a struggle for Emma to speak. Her loss of blood was getting to her.

"Just… call an ambulance."

Regina mentally slapped herself. An ambulance. Of course. Why in the world had that not been her first thought, instead of this moronic and pathetic attempt to get out of the car.

She picked up her phone, flashlight still shining and dialed the number everyone wishes they'll never have to dial.

911, what's your emergency?

Regina tried to clear her head and ready herself to answer the following questions, but she was so overwhelmed by anger and pain and panic that it was easier said than done.

"There's been a car crash."

What is your location?

"I don't know. Somewhere outside of New York."

We picked up your signal. Is your current location where emergency help is needed?

"Yes, yes of course it is."

An ambulance is on its way. How many victims and what are their ages?

This was the first time Lily entered Regina's mind. Her head whipped to the crumbled bug close to her. She held out her phone to shine some light on it and nearly dropped it when she caught sight of Lily. She'd been pierced.

"Three. One dead. One is me. All in our thirties," she said and swallowed thickly against her nausea.

Is the other victim conscious?

Regina felt her throat tighten as she looked at Emma.

"Barely. She's lost a lot of blood."

I'm going to need you to check her breathing for me.

"I can't."

Regina closed her eyes, willing herself to keep from crying.

Ma'am, it's important that I have all the information I can get, so I can pass it on to the paramedics. Please check the victim's breathing for me.

"Did you not hear what I just said? I can't! I'm stuck in the car, wrenched between the wreckage. I can't get to her. I can't help her so just get your damn ambulance over here and help her before she dies! She can't die! Do you hear me? She's not dying!"

Ma'am I realize you're in a stressed situation, but you'll have to stay calm.

"You stay fucking calm! Her legs were ripped open by glass as she got flung out of the car, and she can barely speak, she's dying. Please, just come help her."

Help is on the way ma'am. What is your own condition?

"I'm fine. Don't worry about me."

You'll have to tell me so I can-

"I said I'm fine! She's the one you have to focus on, so just get over here and save her."

The ambulance will be there as soon as possible, but your location is quite far from the nearest hospital. If you cannot reach her, talk to her. The most important thing is that she stays awake.

"Okay, fine. Yes I will."

Regina hung up the phone and banged her fist against the dashboard once more. She looked over at Emma. Her eyes were closed again.

"Emma! Emma, listen to me."

"What?" Emma's voice was getting weaker.

"Help is on the way, Emma. They're coming as fast as possible. Just hang in there. Please."

"I'm… trying."

Regina had to smile warmly at that, even if the dried up trails of tears on her cheeks were now wet again.

"I know you are."

"I'm so cold, Regina."

Regina bit down on her bottom lip to keep from sobbing audibly.

"Just… imagine… imagine my arms around you. I'll keep you warm."

"What?" The confusion in Emma's voice was evident even as her voice was weak. She opened her eyes all the way to look at Regina, her features puzzled.

"I… I mean…"

Regina didn't know how to continue. After all the times she'd try to tell Emma, now she felt like she'd lost her voice. She just looked at the blonde through the blur of her tears. But if Emma was… then she had to tell her.

"Regina…"

"Yes, Emma?"

"I…"

Silence.

"What is it, Emma?"

She watched as Emma gulped. Suddenly, the blonde lifted both her arms and placed her hands firmly on the ground. When she tried to push herself upwards, she cried out in agony.

"No, Emma! No, Emma don't try to move. Stay there. They're coming for us, they are, just stay there and hold on."

"But…"

"No, no buts. Just do as I say."

Silence.

A lot of deafening silence. Regina never took her eyes off Emma. At one point, Emma locked eyes with the brunette, and they didn't break eye contact for several minutes. Not until Emma shivered violently and had to close her eyes.

"Emma, what's happening?" Regina's voice was dripping with concern and panic.

Emma clutched at her heart and wrapped her arms around her torso. Regina watched as tears started streaming down the sides of Emma's face, mingling with the dried up blood.

"I'm dying."

Regina shivered as her insides flipped.

"No."

"Regina…"

"No, Emma. Do you hear me? You're not dying."

"Regina listen..."

"NO! You listen! You're not allowed to die."

"Regina, it's not like I can-"

"I can't live without you, okay? I can't. So you're not dying. That's the end of it."

"W-what?" Emma's voice shook, but not from her physical condition and the fact that she was indeed dying.

"Nothing." Regina looked down, finally breaking eye contact with Emma again.

"Regina, what is it you're hiding from me?"

"It can wait. Because you're not dying."

Emma took a deep breath. Regina noticed how her lips were turning blue. She looked so pale.

"Regina… Let me speak for a second… okay? Without you interrupting me."

Regina puffed out a breath.

"Fine."

Emma tried to clear her throat, trying to gather the strength she would need to speak.

"I always hated when people in movies said they were dying. Cause I thought, how the hell would you even know? But you do know, Regina. You know because you can feel how… how your soul is slowly losing its grip on you. It's not just the physical things you feel. Like my heartbeat has been slowing down steadily. And how I'm so cold. A new version of cold. It's like I'm cold from the inside out. But mostly, I can feel how me, who I am, I'm losing my place in this world. I'm slipping away. And I need you to listen to me, to understand me, because I'm scared Regina. I'm so scared. I don't want to die. I don't want to leave Henry. Or my parents. I haven't said all the things I wanted to say, done all the things I wanted to do. But the fact is I'm dying. And I… I need you. I need you to get me through this. So will you, please? Help me."

Regina was sobbing by now, loud and unsteadily, and even though it hurt, she couldn't stop. She was shivering violently, and several times she coughed because she was choking on her own air. Emma was gasping for air herself, her speech too much for her. She closed her eyes briefly.

"No, Emma, stay with me. Don't close your eyes. I'll help you, okay? But only if you promise to hold on for as long as possible. Please. For me."

Emma nodded and opened her eyes. Regina smiled warmly at her. She thought about what to say. She knew what she wanted to say, and what she probably should say, but she didn't know how to start…

"Remember the first time we met?" Regina said and chuckled silently. Emma did the same.

"Yeah. You weren't exactly… welcoming."

"That's an understatement."

Both women laughed, only to wince and cough afterwards.

"I was so… Angry. And scared. I was so scared that you were going to take Henry away from me. I was scared of losing the only happiness I'd had in decades."

"But I wasn't going to take him."

"I know that now. I've known that for a long time. The truth is, I knew it not long after you first arrived in Storybrooke. But then, I was angry for a different reason."

"What reason?"

Regina smirked.

"I started to like you, Swan."

Emma laughed hoarsely.

"I can imagine how upsetting that must have been for you."

"Shut up," Regina said playfully, the two of them looking at each other, exchanging smiles. She shook her head.

"Anyway… My point is that. I… I… I've been meaning to tell you this for a long time, but… things just got in the way."

"Tell me what?"

Regina locked eyes with Emma, her expression both vulnerable and regretful.

"Why do you think I asked you on this road trip? Why do you think I always tell off the pirate? Why do you think I gave you those happy memories back when you left town with Henry? Why do you think I've done all the things I have for you? To keep you safe?"

"I… I don't know," Emma blinked, her expression unreadable to Regina.

"You really don't know?"

"Maybe I do…"

"I think you do."

Silence fell upon them again, but they didn't break eye contact. Emma opened her mouth a few times as if to speak, but it seemed like she had trouble finding the right words.

"Do you love me?"

Emma's question sucked the air out of Regina's lungs.

"Yes," she whispered as tears started streaming down her face in silence.

Emma nodded but her expression remained unreadable. Regina's bottom lip trembled. She didn't know what to say now. She looked away, unable to look into Emma's eyes anymore. She watched as her tears dripped down on her clothes. She had known this was how it would go. But even still, she felt her heart break. And it hurt. It hurt worse than any physical injury ever could. She started shaking again, unable to control her emotions. She was breathing heavily, trying to keep herself from sobbing too loudly. She wished she could have disappeared in that moment.

"I love you too."

Regina stiffened. She didn't move. She didn't look up. She didn't even breathe. She remained perfectly still, unable to believe what she had just heard.

"Regina, did you hear me?"

Regina was still unable to move. She simply sat there as her vision blurred in tears.

"Regina…"

"I heard you."

Finally she looked up, her expression blank.

"I love you, Regina. I've loved you for far longer than I want to admit. But I never wanted to say anything, because you seemed so hung up on Robin Hood… I didn't think… I mean why would you ever feel the same?"

Regina's voice was hoarse when she finally spoke up.

"Why would I not?"

She watched as Emma's features softened, the most beautiful of smiles spreading on her face as tears welled up in her eyes. Neither one of them said anything. They didn't need to say anything else. They simply looked at each other, their eyes speaking volumes, much more than they could ever express in words.

Suddenly, Emma gasped and coughed harshly. Regina felt how panic took over her again, her heart leaping into her throat.

"Emma!"

Emma tried to steady her breathing, but it was shallow and too fast. She looked at Regina in pain.

"We don't have much time."

"No, Emma. Please."

"I'm sorry…"

"What? Emma no, don't be."

"This is all my fault. If I hadn't been so hot-headed, we wouldn't be in this situation."

"Emma stop, it's not important. What's important is that you stay with me, okay? Don't leave me."

Emma locked eyes with Regina.

"Promise me something?"

"Anything," Regina answered.

"Take care of Henry. Like you always have. But please, also of my parents. They'll need you."

"Emma, please…"

"But most importantly – take care of yourself. Move on. Live your life. You're an amazing woman, Regina. And you deserve so much."

"I can't live without you," Regina sobbed.

"You have to. If not for yourself, then for me. Please."

"Emma…"

Emma's head dropped, and her eyes flickered before she steadied herself again.

"Emma!"

"Regina…"

Emma's eyes fluttered shut again.

"Emma! Stay with me, please. Don't leave me. I love you. Do you hear me? This is not how it ends. We're going to have a life together. We're going to be fools, we're going to make mistakes and have fights, we're going to have PJ Sundays and root beer Mondays and I'll complain about your mess and you'll complain about my constant nagging. We'll raise Henry together, and maybe get another child. We'll get married. We'll grow old together and drink ice tea on the porch and we'll die together, in each other's arms, wrinkled and grey-haired way into the future. Please Emma, don't die. I need you. You're my happy ending. You and no one else."

Regina was yelling, screaming as she cried out to Emma. But Emma didn't answer.

"Emma! EMMA! No, no, no, Emma please."

Regina started moving around in her seat again, trying to get free from the car. She didn't register the sirens in the distance until she saw the flickers of blue light play in the darkness. She stopped.

"Emma! Emma look, they're here. They're here Emma, they're gonna help us. Please, Emma. Stay with me. I'm here. I'm right here. Stay with me."

Two ambulances and a police car came speeding up the road and stopped right beside the bug. Paramedics came streaming out of all the doors, some went to Emma and some to Regina, herself.

"No, help her, forget me, just help her, she's dying. Please, please she can't die."

"We have to get you loose, ma'am."

Within a few seconds, the paramedics had a couple of big metal cutting scissors and started working on the car. Every time they moved something, Regina winced, but she never took her eyes off Emma and what was going on around her. Paramedics were feeling her all over, checking for breathing, pulse. Regina watched as one of them raised his head and shook it slowly.

"NO!" Regina screamed and started moving, "No, no, no."

"Ma'am you have to sit still."

"No, I have to get to her you imbecile!"

One final cut of the scissors and the paramedics pulled the wreckage out of Regina's legs, causing her to cry out. She closed her eyes briefly, but quickly stumbled out of the car and landed on her knees on the road. Before the paramedics could stop her, she was on the run towards Emma. She was limping, crying with every step that she took, but she had to get to her. She had to keep her alive. As she reached Emma, she fell to her knees, ignoring the pain she felt everywhere.

"Emma. Emma, it's me. Look at me, please. I'm right here."

"Ma'am, I'm afraid…"

"No! You don't get to say that. She's not. She can't be."

Without thinking, Regina cupped both Emma's pale cheeks in her hands and raised her head to crash their lips together. Emma tasted like blood and tears but Regina didn't care. It had to work. She pulled away just enough to look at Emma's face. Her eyes were still closed. It didn't work. This was a land without magic. The real world. Without heroes or villains… or happy endings.

"Emma! How dare you do this to me? Don't leave. You can't leave. No. You're not gone.

"Would someone get her away from the body and into the ambulance please?"

"She is not a body!" Regina raised her head to look at the asshole who had spoken, "She's a woman. A very special one. She's the love of my life and I'm meant to spend it with her, alive. This can't be happening… Emma, please."

A female paramedic came to Regina's side and put a hand on her shoulder.

"I know this is hard, but… she's gone. There's nothing we can do. She's lost too much blood."

Regina's eyes remained on Emma's face, desperately wishing for those beautiful emerald eyes to open. But they didn't. And they wouldn't.

"We need to get you to the hospital."

"I'm not leaving her," Regina was holding on to Emma's hands, refusing to let go.

The paramedic sighed.

"Would someone please get both of them into the ambulance?"

A stretcher was pulled up beside them.

"Ma'am? You have to let go of her so we can lift her."

"No."

"Alright then…"

Two men grabbed Emma and lifted her onto the stretcher, Regina rising from the ground as they did. She never took her eyes off her oddly peaceful face. Once they had placed her correctly, Regina placed the hand of her good arm on the stretcher and attempted to lift herself onto it but she was stopped by the paramedics.

"I'm afraid we can't let you do that."

"The love of my life is dead. I'm going to lay on this with her, and you cannot stop me."

They all stepped back and watched as Regina lifted herself with great struggle. She curled up on Emma's side, placed her head on her shoulder, and took her hands.

"I'm not letting you go. We'll be together again, you'll see. I'll find you. No matter how many places, how many life times I'll have to look, I'll find you. You're my happy ending. If not in this life, then in the next. I promise you."

As the paramedics wheeled them into the ambulance, Regina closed her eyes and started to imagine. Imagine that they were lying in their bed, in her mansion. It was warm, and it smelled like the bath they had just taken together. She felt Emma's heartbeat, heard her breathing. She imagined them going off to sleep like any other couple after the hard day of work they'd had. And tomorrow, they'd wake up to a new day with new opportunities and new memories to be made. She squeezed Emma's hands tightly as a single tear fell from the corner of her eye.

"Good night, Emma. I'll see you."