February 3, 2012

There's something incredibly tragic about a love that you can't express. Cant or wont. Either way, the love may not be unattainable, but it is a black hole. Its a never ending cycle of pain and look. One touch. One smile. Its enough to completely unravel your entire psyche, your reason to inhale. You can never look for too long, too hard. It needs to be calculated. Down to a science.

And its hard to decide which is worse, your unexpressed feelings, roaring to a steady bubble- threatening to spill over; or knowing that your love- your devotion- is returned. Neither can vocalize their hearts desire, but its there. Its readable in the space between your bodies. Its undeniable in the connection of your eyes.

You are haunted. You are overcome with devastation. You are together in your tragedy, but you are always alone.

This is the pain we share. This is the way we will live our whole lives. Sharing the same space, but never together.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

December 26th 1997

Anna gave me a journal for Christmas. She said it will help me get out of my own way.

I didn't realize i was in my own way...but i think maybe i understand what she is trying to imply.

I do like to write. This will be a collection of my thoughts and creations.

Gabriel if you are reading this, I would prefer if you put my journal back where you found it.

Thank you.

- Castiel Novak

Castiel couldn't remember the last time he actually enjoyed going to a Christmas party. For one thing, he was not a Christian anymore. He had given up on the idea of the Christian God when he was eight. It didn't make sense to him why a higher power would create a world, give it a set of arbitrary rules, let his son die, then go missing. For awhile he played around with being agnostic, holding on to hope that there was something greater out there. Life and the difficult circumstances surrounding it, however, pulled him into ambivalent atheism. So Christmas was sometimes a difficult time for Castiel, with the mandatory church service and overall religious themes.

He also never found himself enjoying being around a bunch of people who he was supposed to care about just because they shared blood. He had never related to anyone in his rather large extended family, aside from his own siblings. His brother and sisters would find themselves huddled in the basement of his grandmother's house during the annual Christmas party, passing a bottle of something cloyingly sweet around and pretending to be drunk. His cousins were nothing more than a bunch of assholes, except maybe Balthezaur, but even he got on Castiel's nerves most of the time.

The year he got the journal he was ten years old, and Balthezaur was fifteen. He had found Cas in an empty bedroom upstairs at the their grandparents house and brought him a bowl of M&Ms.

"Well aren't you a sad sight." Balthezaur slurred with a kind smile. It was obvious he had been getting into grandma's brandy.

"I'm not sad." Castiel replied, keeping his eyes down on his journal as he continued to write.

"It's an expression Cas." Balthezaur said with a roll of his eyes. "Here, i brought you some dinner." He placed the bowl of M&Ms next to Castiel on the floor, and sat next to him.

They sat between a set of twin beds, their backs to the one with cowboy bed sheets. It was usually the one Castiel chose to sleep in when he would stay over. His mother would sometimes leave him there, and sometimes he would just stay upstairs, expecting she wouldn't remember to wait for him when the time came to leave.

"Your mother is going on about your deadbeat of a father again." Balthezaur breathed out a sigh and laid his head back against the bed.

"She does that when she's drunk." Castiel grabbed a few pieces of candy and popped them into his mouth.

"She blames you, you know?" He had an incredulous look on his face, his eyes were bloodshot with intoxication. "She isn't shy about sharing that either."

"Yes. I know." Castiel said coldly. He was aware of his mother's hatred of him, he didn't need any reminders. "Colic."

Balthezaur's head snapped up quickly. "Wait. You're telling me your father left because you fucking had colic?" He barked out a laugh. "That's bullshit Cas. People don't leave because their baby cries too much." He shook his head and brought the bowl of M&Ms into his lap. "He was going to leave either way." He began picking out the red pieces of candy and sliding them between his lips.

"You cant know that." Castiel said softly, finally looking up to his cousin and closing his journal. He placed it beside him.

"Shit Cas. She really is screwing you up something awful isn't she." It wasn't a question, Cas' mother's effect on him was noticeable the moment you looked into his baby blues.

Balthezaur sighed deeply and placed a hand on Castiel's knee.

Cas instinctively flinched away and his cousin's eyebrows raised. "She isn't hitting you, is she?"

Castiel shook his head. "Sometimes i think that would be better though."

Balthezaur stared at him for a moment before turning his gaze to the bowl of candy again. "I don't think that's right Cas."

They sat there in silence, eating chocolate and listening to the roar of his mother's ranting through the floor for another few minutes. Finally the sound of his mother was replaced by something much more soothing. Billie Holidays' sultry voice began crooning up the stairs.

"Ahh. Simon has spoken." Balthezaur said with a smile.

Their grandfather was known for breaking up his daughters rants with just a stern look and the start of some music. He had raised his children to speak their mind, no mater the consequences but there were times when he would intervene. The only times Cas could remember though, were when his mother was being excessively mean to Castiel. He wished his grandfather would say more, that he would defend him more, but Castiel knew it wasn't his grandfather's style. He wanted Cas to be strong and defend himself. Castiel however, had no interest in doing so.

When he was eight, Castiel built a large city of Lincoln Logs and was playing quietly in the corner of his grandparents living room while his cousins played Atari in the basement. His grandfather had walked past him and when Castiel showed him his city his grandfather had given him a wide smile and a wink.

"That's one hell of a city you got there boy. Maybe you ought to think about being an engineer or an architect." Castiel beamed up at him, soaking in the compliment like it was the only one he would get that year.

"You call that a city?" A drunken mumble came from the recliner across the room. "I shit out better logs than that this morning."

Castiel's face fell but he kept the tears in check. This wasn't unusual, in fact his mother's torture of him had increased as he got older. His grandfather continued to stare down at him for a moment longer, his face stern. Finally he turned and looked over to Castiel's mother, his youngest daughter.

"You're supposed to be the boy's mother, Naomi."

Castiel's mother was stunned at her father's words, her eyes looked like they might pop out of her head. The entire room had silenced the moment Simon Novak had opened his mouth to speak. Castiel stared up his grandfather in confusion for a moment before a hint of a smile pulled at his lips. There was a relief that washed over him in that moment, a feeling that he had been saved, finally. He dared look over to his mother who was staring at her youngest son with violence in her eyes. Cas gulped audibly and looked back down to his city.

And that was it. His grandfather said nothing more and Naomi never treated Cas poorly in front of her father again. She just ignored him entirely, which Castiel wasn't sure he preferred. At least when she was mean to him, she was acknowledging his existence. At least when she was calling him a worthless shit, she was looking at him.

Before the moment Castiel would since refer to as the "Lincoln Log disagreement', Castiel often wondered why his mother was allowed to be so mean to him. With his grandmother's meek disposition and hatred of confrontation she was of no help, although she would baby him incessantly whenever he would come to visit. Sometimes Castiel hated his grandfather for not doing more, for not telling his mother off and shaking her senseless. It wasn't until he was older that Castiel understood why his grandfather didn't interject his thoughts or opinions on a subject unless expressly asked. He wanted you to work it out for yourself, he wanted his children to be independent thinkers and come to their own way of things. Castiel was sure that shouldn't include child abuse, but then again he wasn't sure of many aspects of human nature.

He did rather enjoy his grandfather's company, though. He was a hard working man and tolerant of pretty much anything that came out of Cas' mouth. It seemed Simon Novak rather enjoyed listening to Castiel rant about the random things that bothered him or the things that perplexed him about life. Simon rarely spoke, but when he did, Castiel remembered. His words were firm but kind, and his advice was never unsolicited..He was the kind of man you looked up to, even if you hated everything around you.

And growing up, Castiel did. He hated everything. His father left just after he was born and he was fairly sure most of his family blamed him for the abandonment. His mother used him as an emotional punching bag though never laid a hand on him. He would often lock himself in his closet with a notebook, pen, and a flashlight, writing out his escape plans or releasing the anger that tore at him. His sister Anna would find him after a few hours and just sit with him, sometimes taking his hand and other times bringing her sketch pad inside and drawing next to him.

February 20th 1998

My mother called me a waste today.

I think its probably accurate, but Anna disagrees. She claims i will find my place.

I see no reason to find a place for myself though if i'm not meant to fit into the surroundings i was born into. That is natural selection after all. We learned about that in school and I am convinced i am the giraffe with the short neck. I will not be able to reach the leaves and I will die. My brother with his ability to charm a room and calm my mother's soul- he will reach the leaves. Anna will be well fed as well, unless of course her generosity prevents her from taking some leaves herself. Lucy will survive by attacking taller giraffe's and stealing their leaves.

My bones will be ground into dust just inches from the watering hole.

Anna says i'm being dramatic.

Of all of Castiel's siblings, Anna was his favorite. And not just because she was good to him, but because she was just good. She joined just about every community outreach program she could in school and volunteered the rest of her spare time to homeless shelters and animal rescue hospitals. Sometimes it made Cas hate her, how good she was. He was never going to be that good, never going to be that selfless. Despite his jealousy, Castiel looked up to his big sister. She inspired him and showed him that good people do exist, no matter how stunted he himself was.

He was constantly in his own head, failing to notice the plight of others until it was too late. It may have been a defense mechanism at first, always looking inward instead of really examining and appreciating the world around him. He thought by focusing all of his intention on his own inner monologue, he could defend himself from whatever unpleasantness life threw at him.

But eventually Castiel found it to be a character flaw he would have rather not honed so vehemently. He wished his first thought when seeing an old woman struggling to cross the street was to help her, but instead he would first think of why she was wearing two different pairs of socks, or why her hair was tinged a light shade of blue. He hated himself for not being more like Anna, but was happy he was nothing like his brother.

Castiel was the youngest of four. The oldest Novak children were a set of twins, Gabriel and Lucy. Gabriel's ability to turn everything- including the worst kind of heartache- into a joke astounded Cas, and it made him bitter. Gabriel would tease Castiel about the way he spoke, his prosody never quite normal, his tone always too serious. His brother would poke fun at how long it took Castiel to grasp the idea of sarcasm, often letting Cas go days before putting his little brother out of his misery and clarifying himself. Over the years Castiel learned how to deal with his brother's sense of humor though, with the help of Anna. He even developed his own dry wit that eventually brought him closer to his older brother.

Of course, getting along with Gabriel was a sliding scale and Castiel never quite knew where they stood. One minute they were playing video games and Cas found himself relaxing into his role as the little brother, the next moment he was jumping back from a slammed door in his face. Sometimes Gabriel would react really strongly to things at first, only to laugh it off a second later. Castiel figured it was his brother's own carefully honed system of psychological defense, but he had become used to the mood swings that raged in the Novak house.

"Castiel are you fucking dense? How many times have i told you not to answer the phone when Nira is calling?" Gabriel's face was red as he threw the phone back into its holder.

Castiel barely looked up from his homework. "It was ringing. I didn't check the caller ID. Sorry Gabriel."

Gabriel stared over to his brother for a moment before sighing and leaning against the counter of the kitchen. "Yeah. Well, the girl is straight up crazy town. I keep trying to let her down easy but i think i'm going to have to go nuclear on her."

"Why not just tell her you don't appreciate her advances? Honesty is supposed to be the best thing in relationships." Castiel said quickly, his eyes finally meeting his brothers.

"What do you know about relationships Cassie? I doubt you've even begun your relationship with Jill." Gabriel snickered, "I'm sure you two will be very happy together when the time comes though."

Castiel tilted his head in confusion. "Jill? I don't know anyone named Jill."

Gabriel threw his head back in a laugh.

Castiel was used to his brother's insults that he didn't understand. He shook his head and stood up, intending to get himself a glass of water. As he made his way to the cabinet Gabriel moved towards him.

He held out his hand and pointed to his thumb. "Jill. J-" He slide his finger down the groove between his thumb and pointer finger. "I-L-L." He pointed to each successive finger until he was finished spelling.

Castiel's brow furrowed and his head tilted again. "Why are you using your fingers to spell a girl's name?"

"Oh Cassie. You'll figure it out soon." Gabriel said with a huff, his hand slapping his little brother softly on his face.

May 18th 1998

My nose is bleeding. Gabriel punched me for standing too close to him when i asked him what we were having for dinner. He says it was for my own good. I do not see why being hit in the face is good for me, but i do know how i felt afterwards.

I liked it. I assume i am not in the majority with that. It felt like relief. For all of the horrible things mother has been saying to me, sometimes i wish she would just hit me. I think that would feel better.

Anna says that wishing physical violence on myself is absurd and then stared at me for a very long time. I think maybe some thoughts should be shared only here, in my journal. Keeping what Anna calls 'my dark thoughts' in here would probably save me from being stared at so much.

Anna was two years younger than the twins. Their father's absence and their mother's verbal abuse damaged Anna just as much as it did the rest of them, but she turned her pain around and used it to help other people. She claimed that the life they led was no where near as horrible as it could be, and sometimes chastised Castiel for indulging in so much self-pity.

October 31st 1998

I do not see the point of dressing up this year. Mother is drunk already and Gabriel claims he is too old. Lucy already left, but she wasn't wearing a costume. A guy in a van picked her up and I'm pretty sure there was some sort of fire inside because when he opened the door a whole lot of smoke came out.

Anna of course is going, but she is collecting candy for the kids at the children's hospital. I do not wish to hear about how helpful i would be if i gave away my candy as well. If i make the effort of establishing a character for myself for the evening, i feel it is my right to the rewards.

Anna says I'm selfish. I know she is right, but i cant seem to care enough to change.

Lucy, Castiel's sister, was Gabriel's twin. Gabe and Lucy were very similar in their early years. However, where Gabriel dealt with life's hurdles through humor, Lucy acted out. She lied and cheated her way through school, she was constantly fighting with their mother, she even got arrested a few times for drug possession and robbery. When she was around though, she never let their mother get away with being mean to Castiel. Lucy scared him sometimes, she had a darkness in her eyes that sent shivers down his spine, but Cas was pretty sure he loved her. Lucy was affectionate with him and Castiel craved physical attention. She would run her hands through his hair when he ate his cereal in the morning or sometimes kiss his forehead after yelling at their mother to back off.

The fights with his mother Castiel noticed got worse and worse as Lucy grew more and more impatient with her life. He could smell alcohol and smoke on her everyday now and wondered how someone her age could have such easy access to those things.

There was one fight in particular that Castiel had seared into his brain. He replayed it over and over for weeks, wondering if there was anything he could have done to change the outcome. If there was anything he could have done to make Lucy stay.

He had been washing dishes after dinner when his mother came stumbling into the kitchen. Lucy was sitting at the table, her feet propped up and her head tilted back as she watched Castiel wash. She sang softly a song Castiel didn't recognize and he smiled her perfect pitch.

"What are you doin' you little shit?" Naomi grabbed the steak knife Castiel was washing and jerked it away from him. "Just put the damn thing in the dishwasher."

She threw the knife inside the opened dishwasher and sauntered to the fridge. The door swung open and slammed against the wall, making Castiel jump slightly. He slid his arm out slowly and pulled the knife his mother had thrown into the dishwasher into his hand to finish washing it. When he was finished he put it in the drying rack.

Naomi stood in front of the open fridge for over a minute just staring. Castiel thought maybe she was blacking out and would soon fall over. It had happened a few times recently, and Castiel was looking around for something to break her fall when his mother finally pulled a beer from the fridge and slammed the door shut. She spun around, her eyes unfocused and lazy.

Castiel glanced at his big sister at the kitchen table, who was now sitting straight up and on the edge of her seat. She bore hole into the side if their mother's head, waiting for Naomi to do something stupid.

As Naomi passed the sink, she pushed her way passed Castiel, not bothering to step an inch to the left so that her body wouldn't crash into her little boy's. His mother stopped short then. Her eyes on the drying rack.

"What the fuck did i tell you? Huh?" Her voice climbed quickly. "What the fuck did i tell you boy?" She slammed the beer on the counter.

Castiel followed his mother's gaze to the knife.

"Mother, it's not good to put knives in the dishwasher- it causes them to dull at a faster rate." Castiel said quietly but confidently.

"Don't throw your fancy learning at me you little shit. You think you're better than me?" She was yelling then but her body was suddenly dragged away from his. Lucy had her by the shirt and was hauling her from Castiel.

"Back off you fucking drunk." Lucy growled. "Go to bed."

"Don't you fucking-" Naomi started.

"No! Don't talk to him like that you sick fuck! You're his mother not some third grade bully!" Lucy screamed.

Castiel heard thundering on the stairs and he knew Gabriel was on his way down. Anna was at the hospital and he was grateful. She was never useful in moments like these, she would just stay silent and hug the wall unless his mother was particularly nasty and then she would calmly ask her to stop and lead Castiel away.

"Luc?" Gabriel was running into the kitchen, his breath ragged from the sudden activity.

"It's fine." Lucy spoke through her teeth. "Mother here was just leaving."

"Ha!" Naomi yelled. "I'm not going anywhere you little slut. You think you can talk to me like that? You think you are worth a damn?" Naomi leaned in closer to her eldest daughter. "You ain't worth shit either."

Lucy swallowed a lump that had risen in her throat at her mother's words. She stayed silent as Gabriel came to stand next to her.

"Mother-" He tried to stay calm.

Naomi ignored him. "You think i Don't smell the booze on you? You Don't think i cant see the cum that stains your jeans? You're just a fucking little whore aren't you?"

"Stop it." Lucy said quietly.

"Oh no darlin' I'm just getting started." Naomi smirked. "You want to defend your worthless Castiel? Fine, defend that little fucker. But you honey- You got nothing going for you. You ain't got shit for brains, the only way you'll get a man is to suck him off, and my guess is that you already know that."

"Stop!" Gabriel yelled, stepping in front of Lucy.

"Oh you gonna defend her? Are you fucking her too then?" Naomi laughed.

Gabriel's face contorted in disgust. "Just stop mother. Just stop."

Gabriel couldn't see it, but Lucy was shaking behind him. Castiel watched as his big sister swallowed back screams and tears and whatever else was bound to come pouring out of her any minute. He wanted to go to her, hug her, make her feel safe the way she had done for him so many times. But he didn't. He stayed rooted in his spot, too scared to move.

"Go on Lucy- no ones stopping you girl. Let me have it hunny, we both know you want nothing more than to fuck me up good and proper." Naomi leaned into Gabe's chest, her head over his shoulder and taunting her daughter.

Lucy's hands were clenched so hard her arms were shaking. Castiel could hear the grind of her teeth as she pushed her jaw forcibly into her skull. Her eyes were wide and Castiel had never seen anything so terrifying than the look his sister was giving to his reminded him of the martial arts movies Gabriel liked to watch and his instinct was to hide anything that could be used as a weapon. There was a moment Castiel was sure he saw Lucy move, her hand coming up and slamming into his mother's face, the scene unfolded so naturally in his mind that Castiel was stunned with what happened next.

Lucy turned around in a fast spin and walked out the back door leaving Gabriel to support their now passed out mother. Castiel thought about running after her, he thought about thanking her for saving him again and telling her that she wasn't any of those things. He thought about following her out onto the street and holding her hand as she ran away.

He didn't though. Instead, Castiel helped Gabriel put their mother in her bed and then went outside to the neighbors garden. He picked some flowers quickly, not wanting to get caught by the mean old lady they called 'crabby old Miss Patty.'

He went into Anna's room and found some ribbon to tie around the stems. Castiel placed the flowers on Lucy's pillow, thinking when she got home it would make her smile.

Lucy never saw the flowers though, and Castiel never took them off her bed.

May 12th 2000

Lucy left. She hasn't been home in a week. I wish i had said something.

I hope that she finds peace...or perhaps a will to fight against the demons that so obviously pull at her. I hope our mother's words do not affect her now that she is no longer here.

I will miss her ability to make mother shut-up and leave me alone. I am bracing myself for a very difficult next few weeks. Anna says that Lucy was good to have left, her presence was destructive. I think that means mother should leave as well then.

Gabriel is very sad. He hasn't come out of his room since she left and sometimes i think i hear him crying. Anna went in there an hour ago. I hope she is helping him. I wouldn't know how.

Cas was constantly finding more and more reasons to hate himself as he grew up. As Gabriel loved to point out, he wasn't exactly a social butterfly, and as Anna's extracurricular activities constantly reminded him, he wasn't as good of a person as he could was always this feeling inside of him that made him feel like he wasn't living the way he was supposed to. It itched and burned and there were times he just wanted to scratch it out. That feeling of emptiness and nothing, it dragged him deeper and deeper into a kind of depression Castiel didn't understand. He would lie in bed at night and think of all the things he could have done differently that day. People he could have spoken to, smiles he could have returned. He would stay awake thinking of Lucy and if she was alright. His guilt was so heavy it threatened to drown him, but he never cried.

Crying was something you did when you had no other way of processing an emotion. Growing up, Castiel had learned a lot of different ways to process his expanding library of emotions and found crying to be the least effective. As his depression grew stronger, and his self-loathing grew deeper though, his emotions began to retreat. They locked themselves away one by one until Castiel was soon left with only a bitter ambivalence towards life.

Eventually, Castiel began looking for a way to get back those feelings that evaded him. As high school began and hormones raged, Castiel found the thing that brought him back to life.

Sex.

Castiel hooked up with just about anyone who would take him. The slightest smile his way and Cas would fall all over himself. He didn't have a type, Cas was attracted to all different kinds of people. Both men and women, even a few who he wasn't entirely sure what they identified as. He didn't care what they had between their legs, he just wanted someone.

February 11 2002

I blew Gadreel on the slide at the playground. I think he liked it, I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do but we have been meeting there to kiss for a few weeks now.

His father hits him. I told him that i wished my mother hit me and he gave me a strange look. I think that makes sense, but i'm not sure why.

Usually that someone wasn't anyone special. Castiel would latch on to a good quality or two and try to convince himself that someone was worth all the trouble, all the heartache. He gave his heart away so easily he was practically shoving it at people as he passed them on the street. Of course, his approach left him only with the kind of people who didn't want Cas for who he was, but for what he was offering.. Castiel didn't know this, and it took him a very long time to realize that people will take you, use you, and spit you back out.

February 15, 2002

Gadreel hasn't spoken to me since our meeting at the playground. I saw him holding hands with Rebecca in the bus line. Hannah told me they are going out, have been for a few weeks now.

I feel..something. I would say dirty but that would seem too obvious. I thought perhaps we had a connection, that we could have had something more. I was mistaken apparently.

Hannah was nice. Perhaps I will be able to get to know her better.

Without strong attachments to his family, Castiel searched for some sort of connection elsewhere. He saw sex as a doorway to love though, and wasn't mature enough to realize that sex didn't equal anything resembling a profound bond. Castiel found himself alone, time and time again. He of course blamed himself for this, always assuming it was something about him that turned people away. He couldn't help but think if he had been better, they would have stayed. That maybe his father would have stayed. Castiel wasn't sure but felt that maybe if he had never been born, then his family would have been happier.

April 13th 2002

I don't think any of this is worth it. Why do i even write these things down? Anna claims it helps me think and sort out what goes on around me, but i think its because its the only time i can be honest. If i let myself say what i really wanted to...or told people the things i do sometimes...i think they would hate me.

Anna doesn't journal because she thinks letting herself think about herself that often is selfish, but for me its okay. I think that says a lot about how she views me. I don't really care.

I could die tomorrow. That would be fine i think.

I had sex with Hannah. I think she likes me.

Castiel continued to struggle with depression throughout adolescence and if it wasn't for Anna and his grandfather, he may have very well found his end at an early age. However, he found the process of suicide too troublesome. He didn't care enough about dying to deal with the mechanics or the fallout if he was unsuccessful. It was a constant battle within himself. He cared enough to hate himself, but not enough to do anything about it.

Once the notion of suicide was put aside, Castiel made it his mission to find happiness. He knew that the source of all of his problems was his unhappy family so he convinced himself that having a family of his own was the solution. His relationship with his mother was far too wrecked to ever be salvageable so Cas was determined to make a family of his own. That combined with his growing need for physical affection kept leading Castiel from partner to partner, hoping someone would fit into the puzzle that he had created for himself.

July 4th 2002

The fireworks were loud but i enjoyed the shadows they created in the sky. The smoke cleared slowly and made the most interesting shapes. I wonder what it looks like from above. If there really was a God and it could look down at us, would it care to witness the fireworks display?

I Don't think a God that likes to look at fireworks exists. Perhaps there is a creator...but i do not believe that creator is being described accurately in the Bible. It seems very unlikely.

I don't think I will call Hannah anymore.. Her teeth scrape mine every time we kiss and i'm growing tired of it. I wish she would use her tongue more when she goes down on me too.

The cashier at the grocery store winked at me yesterday. Maybe he uses his tongue more efficiently.

He would spend hours writing in his journal, sometimes attempting to pass off his teenaged angst as poetry. Journaling became so important to him that a career in writing became the only possible avenue for Cas to pursue. He imagined himself in a big library at some prestigious university, reading books his town library didn't carry and sipping espresso. He saw himself writing into the wee hours of the morning, his hair sticking up in all directions and his mood sour like the whiskey taste in his mouth. He wanted to be Paul Sheldon in Stephen King's Misery, naturally replacing Annie Wilks with a loving partner. Someone who would clean him up after her passed out in front of his laptop, someone who wouldn't mind him reeking from his lack of showers or love-affair with Jack Daniels.

August 3rd 2002

When I'm in New York, writing my third novel and watching my kids play on the terrace, I will be happy then. Mother says that's a pipe dream and that I'm an idiot if i think i could have that. I think she could be wrong. Anna told her to be quiet. We were all stunned...i sometimes forget how strong she can be.

Gabriel says he is moving to New York too, he wants to be a stand up comedian. I think i could live with him as adults. I think we would be friends as adults. He hasn't hit me since i was a little kid, and lately his insults have been more playful than mean. I think he is maturing and I'm grateful. His dip into maturity doesn't stop him from putting plastic wrap over the toilet seat though.

The cashier's name is Eric and he is closeted despite his overt flirtations. I let him fuck me in the storage room anyway. I thought maybe i could get him to come to terms with his sexuality, but i haven't heard from him since.

A piece of Castiel always knew how unlikely that was that he would find that perfect person. His current relationship track record showed no signs of love or commitment. He hadn't spent more than a few months with someone, and rarely enjoyed anyone's company much longer than a few weeks. It was as if he was waiting for someone in particular, someone to change the way he saw the world. Someone to pull him out of the misery he found himself in on a daily basis, and bring him into the light

January 25th 2003

My smile lures you, my eager kiss keeps you close

Your eyes are kind but i know

This isn't really about you, our night is just a lie,

I've got a closet full of reasons why.

Ill slip out these clothes, just like a thousand times before

Ill take down one more drink, hoping to feel a little more

When we're through, i pray for an effect

But in the end There's nothing of me left.

I keep telling myself, to hold out for something more

Something honest and strong to shake me to my core,

Can you be that for me?

Can you set me free?

I don't love you,

but you'll do

I cant love anybody

So you'll do

- C. Novak