title: if your heart was full of love (could you give it up?)
category: vampire diaries (tv)
genre: angst/romance
ship: caroline/stefan
rating: pg-13/teen
title reference/song suggestion: "not about angels" - birdy
warnings: possible finale spoilers from promo; implied character death (not caroline or stefan)
word count: 3,023
summary: Stefan picks the worst possible time to make a declaration of love, but if he's learned anything, it's that time is a lot shorter than it should be, and he is done wasting any of it.

if your heart was full of love (could you give it up?)
-1/1-

Stefan found her in her house, sitting in her mother's recliner, the only piece of furniture he'd hunted down and returned that wasn't wearing a white sheet. He closed the door behind him quietly, but in the echoing silence of the house, the click might as well have been a bang. She sniffled, sitting up and rubbing her hands over her face quickly.

He walked into the living room slowly, giving her time to pull herself together. Hands tucked in the pockets of his jeans, he took a look around. There were no lights on, the lamps still packed away, leaving nothing but the faint afternoon sun to filter in through the window. He circled around to see her, her eyes red and puffy, her lip chewed up, and her nose raw. His heart lurched in his chest at the sight and folded his lips in a frown.

He didn't say anything, instead waiting for her to voice what she needed to, the words he knew were building up under the surface, waiting for the right ear. It took her a few minutes, still swiping at stray tears here or there, swiping under her nose and readjusting the sweater around her shoulders for something to focus on. Finally, she dropped her hands to her lap, absently playing with the hem of her top.

"I thought… I mean, it's stupid, because we can't control it. We can't control anything really, but… I thought, somehow, we were done with all the death." She glanced at him, but her eyes fell swiftly back to the floor. "When I lost my mom, it was too much. It was like I knew that nothing would ever hurt that much. Nothing ever could. So I guess some part of me was convinced that nothing else would try."

She let out a little laugh, her breath hitching on a crack. "I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted to come home and apologize and get everything back to where it was. I wasn't expecting Elena to be human. I wasn't expecting her to be so… fragile. And it scared me. We just got Bonnie back and for the last few months, all I've seen is how easily human life can just… fall apart." She shook her head. "So when I looked at Elena, all I saw was every sharp corner. Every shadow lurking in the corner. But even then, I wanted to hope… I wanted to believe that somehow, she would make it. She would get out and start over and live her perfectly average human life, but… But she won't, will she?" She looked up then, staring at him searchingly, her eyes brimming with tears.

He wanted to lie, to tell her that somehow, despite the odds, Elena would pull through, but he knew different, and so did she. So he stayed quiet, stilling his fingers when they itched to reach out and take her hand. She wasn't ready for that yet, too raw and frustrated.

Shaking her head, she let out a huff of a laugh, full of cynicism, and swiped angrily at a tear. "And that's all there is, isn't there? Just one long list of casualties, with more waiting in the wind."

He licked his lips, watching her brow knit and her mouth turn down in a frown. "Sometimes," he admitted. "Sometimes it feels that way. Like everyone you know is dying around you and there is nothing that you can do."

"What kind of life is that?" she wondered softly.

"A hard one."

She looked up at him, brow knit.

"You know, we talk about the upsides to 'immortality." His eyebrows flicked dismissively. "But nobody likes to talk about the other parts. Watching friends and family grow old… Watching them die… Knowing that, sometimes, there's just no easy way out, no shortcut… The truth is, human or vampire, life is hard, Caroline. The people you love will come and go. Some you'll get to hold onto for… decades, centuries even, and others will die before they ever really have a chance to live. And you're going to hurt, every time. It's a sacrifice you make to keeping that little bit of humanity in you. It's what reminds you that every second, every minute you have with these people, it's going to matter.

"I forget that sometimes. I… I forget that I can die, or you can die, or… Damon or Elena or anybody that we care about. I fall back on the idea that Bonnie can bring them back or a miracle will happen at the very last second. But I've had a hundred and fifty years to learn this lesson and it's still leaving its imprint…"

He swallowed tightly and shook his head, blinking as his eyes burned. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we came into your life and we… turned it upside down. I'm sorry that you've been hurt by us, by me, by what we brought back to Mystic Falls. I'm sorry that caring about me screwed up your life or interrupted those last moments with your mom. I'm sorry I didn't say the right thing at the right time when you needed me to—"

"Stefan…" She shook her head.

"No, please, just… just listen." He stepped forward, bending his knees so they were eye level, his hands braced on the arms of her chair. "I have made more mistakes than I can possibly begin to list for you. I've hurt people and lost people and I have spent more than a century regretting too much of my life. And the only good thing that has come out of it is realizing that time is a lie. Death is always absolute, no matter how much longer you might live than the average human. But the one redeeming thing is that the time you do have can and should be spent with the people that matter to you.

"So I know that this is the worst possible moment for me to be saying this because your best friend is dying, and a girl that I once thought could be my soul mate is never going to open her eyes again… And that thought, it tears me apart. Because as screwed up as everything became, as much as I know I've moved on, I still care about her, and I know how much she means to you. So I'm sorry that I'm doing this while you're ready to fall apart, but if I don't say it now, I'm afraid I'll become that coward again who couldn't just tell you that my feelings for you have been growing for so long that I didn't even notice it.

"Falling for you is just part of me. It's part of who I am. And the idea that I might lose you scared me, because the one thing I'm good at is losing people I care about. And I needed you, Caroline. I needed to know that, whatever happened, I would always have you in my life, so I didn't want to risk that. I didn't want to risk our friendship on the hope that somehow, one day, you wouldn't stop loving me. It was selfish, I know. It was pointless too, because not loving you wasn't an option anymore."

He took her hands then, his thumbs rubbing over her knuckles. "I know you're going to need time. I know you still need to grieve over your mom and losing Elena on top of it is going to rip you apart, but I want to be there. I want to help you this time. And if that means putting our relationship on the backburner, I can do that. I can wait, if that's what you need. But this is me telling you that I don't want to walk away from what we have. So if you need me to tell you that I'm here, that I'm 100 percent in, I will. And if you only need me to hold your hand and hug you and tell you that all of this pain, all of this loss, it's not going to hurt as much someday, then I'll do that too. But I need you to know that I'm in love with you. Because if anything happens, if I die or you die or anything, I don't ever want you to wonder. I want you to know with absolute certainty that I love you and I plan to love you for a very long time."

She stared down at his hands, squeezing hers, and she licked her lips before she raised her eyes to meet his. "What I said at the wedding, about everything that went wrong when I realized how much I cared about you… I wasn't trying to blame you. I was upset with myself, with where my priorities were. I felt like I should have been a better friend to Bonnie and Elena, and a better daughter to my mom, and falling for you made me feel like 90 percent of my focus was on you and where you were and if you were thinking about me or if you would ever come back or if you'd ever stop walking away me and I just… I felt insecure and lost and that… scared me. Because for so long I felt like I wasn't that person anymore, who put all of her worth in someone else. But the thing is, my worth isn't tied to you. I let myself get caught up, I let myself worry and stress and fixate, and that's not on you.

"I just… I don't know how not to be in control, and when I don't have it I feel crazy. But I couldn't control what happened to my mom, I couldn't save Elena, I couldn't make you come home or love me, and I keep thinking about it. I keep thinking that the person I became, the person who made you flip that switch, she's inside of me. She's a part of who I am and I never— I never wanted to hurt you like that." She shook her head. "And I know you say you forgive me, which I appreciate, but I need to know that I won't do that again, that I won't risk you and the trust that we have between us. Because that keeps me going. You keep me going. You are solid and dependable and I know that you're going to be there. I know that. I just… I need to know that the me you're there for is the right me."

He shook his head. "You told me once that I could remind you that you weren't crazy with just a look. Because you aren't crazy, Caroline. Yes, you like control, and sometimes you get a little overwhelmed by it, but you're not crazy. It's a coping mechanism. It's like how Damon drinks or when I journaled. We have our own ways of getting through things. The important part is that we do that together."

He stared up at her searchingly. "I told your mom that when we got together, I wanted it to be perfect, and I did, I do, but what I forgot was that life is not perfect. These things happen and they almost never happen the way we want them to. I don't know when everything will be perfect. I don't know when all the grief and loss and anger will go away. I can't make it happen. I do know that we have a terrible track record for letting down our defenses only for some other problem to crop up. And that could go on for the rest of our unnaturally long lives. So I don't want to wait for that perfect moment.

"Loving you is not conditional on when everything is perfect. I love you when you're feeling crazy and when you bury yourself in one project or the next just trying to distract yourself. When you're ordering people around and when you're panicking about the tiniest details and you just need me to remind you to breathe. I love you when you're laughing and happy and I love that I'm happy with you. I love you, in your strongest and weakest moments, and I want to be there, holding your hand, through both."

She let out a shaky breath, her brows hiked. Blinking back tears, she warned him, "I'm going to be at my weakest for a long time. I cry myself to sleep wondering what my mom's letter said. I— I can't stop going over everything I said to Elena, telling her that she'll never be happy with Damon. And I've been beating myself up, wondering if I'm the reason she did it, if she would've taken that cure if I hadn't said it. If she'd be okay, right now, if I hadn't…" Her chest heaved as she took a thick breath. "And I'm not going to get over that, Stefan. I'm not going to forgive myself for that for a really long time. So I appreciate the promise, I do, but I don't think you know what you're signing up for."

"I do." He nodded as she shook her head. "Caroline, I do." He squeezed her hands. "Yesterday, I was in Damon's head, trying to show him what kind of life he could look forward to as a human. Trying to remind him that things happen, people die, and how miserable he would be if he gave up his vampirism and tried to have a normal life with Elena only to have her die… I made him think that, I showed him what his life would be like, and now she's dying. He is losing her and he's probably got that memory on repeat in his head, of that broken, sad, lonely person he'll become. He's thinking of his whole future and wondering if that's all he's got ahead of him.

"And it doesn't matter what I say or how hard I try to hold onto him, he's going to run. He's going to bury himself in booze and blood and part of that is going to be on me. I'm going to lose him… And I'll have to carry that, for another century and a half of him running away from his pain. So I know… I know what that blame feels like, eating away at you." He searched her eyes. "But if I have learned one thing from this it's that having you, loving you, even for just a minute, a day, a blink of my life, will be better than never having you at all. Because I might lose you one day, for good, and I don't want to meet that day with any regrets. So you don't have to tell me you love me too. You don't have to tell me that we're together, right this second, but don't close the door completely. Let me be here, let me help you, let me hold your hand through this. Please. Because I want to be here, I want to be with you, and I need you too."

Tears spilled unchecked down her cheeks. She unfurled her hand from his, plucking her fingers from his tight grip. His mouth trembled, fear that she might tell him no, might push him away, might spend her last moments with Elena before she too fled to grieve, far away from him. He could feel the strings of his heart pulled too tight, snapping under the pressure, and he wanted to reach for her, to beg her to reconsider, to realize that he when he said he loved her, he meant it.

The tips of her fingers feathered over his cheek gently, and he closed his eyes, a few stray tears falling loose. She swiped them away with her thumbs and framed his face with her hands as she leaned forward, her forehead pressed to his. He reached for her, hands gripping her shoulders. Her kiss was full of sorrow; it was wet and salty and shadowed with the anguish that clung to them both. But it was hopeful too. She kissed him once, twice, and then she wrapped an arm around his neck and she pressed her cheek to his, holding onto him.

"I do love you." She nodded faintly and reached for one of his hands, drawing it forward for her to press a kiss to his palm. "I don't know where that will go. I don't know how long we'll last. If we'll make it through this and be stronger for it or if we'll break under the pressure. I don't know. And that scares me. A lot. But I want you there. Okay? And I want to be there for you too. To drag Damon back from the edge and sober him up and get him through this." She licked her lips and squeezed her hand at the nape of his neck. "I'll still feel crazy and neurotic sometimes. I'll break down because the weirdest things make me think of my mom. And my friend… One of my best friends is dying…" Her breath hitched. "But I want to try. I don't want to run. I don't want to walk away from you again. Okay?"

He nodded, his own breathing shaky, and he pulled her off the chair, an arm wrapped around her waist while his other hand buried in her hair, holding on tight. He closed his eyes as he buried his face in her neck, his fear abating slowly.

It wasn't perfect, far from it, but it was a chance. A beginning. And he would take it. They would get through today. They would say goodbye to someone they loved, and they would stand together while they did it; supporting one another, leaning on each other through the ensuing destruction and pain, for as long as it would last.

Maybe it would take months or years, but one day, she wouldn't be haunted anymore. One day, Damon would find his footing again. And on that day, he would be there, holding Caroline's hand.

{end}

author's note:it's been a while since I've written for these two outside of a side couple in my bonnie/damon stories. it felt pretty good to get back to them. i always forget how much i enjoy writing their dialogue. i was getting a lot of support on tumblr to get back to these two and i have missed writing for them, so i hope you enjoyed this. i'm hoping to write a few more oneshots for them in the near future. as for my other wip's, i'll get to them. my muse has been pretty bamon focused lately, so just give me some time to get back into writing for them and we'll see what i can do!

thank you all for reading. please try to leave a review; they're my lifeblood!

- Lee | Fina