Disclaimer: All copyrighted materials belong to their respective creators and are not owned by me.

Chapter 1

La Vie Est Drole!

by Anju Addams

Kirei Kotomine started as he gazed at the Servant he had just summoned. He wondered deep down if he had made a mistake somewhere. It was quite clear to him that the servant in front of him was not the Hassan also known as 'The Old Man of the Mountain'. After he'd been told that merely using the word 'Assassin' in the summoning ritual would be the catalyst for summoning him.

They were all obviously wrong.

The Servant in front of him was a girl. His observant eyes noticed that she was quite petite for her age (she was obviously a teenager) and clutched on the crook of her left arm that led down to a finely manicured hand was a vibrantly pink parasol. Her long blond hair was tied into two large pigtails on the side of her head that fell down to her waist and was clothed in the most sickening pink dress he had ever seen with a pair of thigh high boots that matched. Various bows of the same colour were dotted about her person, on her head, dress line and back.

It was her face he noted last.

Kirei was not a man who tended to be scared out of his wits frequently, but staring into her blue eye, that seemed to grin back at him, he couldn't help but feel a chill down his spine. Especially with the purple eye-patch that covered her left eye and the wide smile that was plastered on her face.

It was then that she spoke.

"Nice to meet ya! Servant Assassin here, you'll be my Master in this War right?" her voice echoed in the room, tinkling like bells.

Kirei swallowed his fear and nodded his head at her sharply. "Yes, that is correct. I look forward to working with you."

She clapped her hands together with vigour and giggled like a child. It was not a very nice giggle, not at all.

"Oh Goodie-good! Me and you are gonna have lots of fun. Just imagine all the chaos we can cause." she shuddered in apparent pleasure.

Kirei turned away sharply.

"Come then." he intoned. "There is something I wish for you to do..."

Assassin closely followed behind skipping merrily, hands bringing forth her parasol that she flicked open, as they left the building.

He stood on top of the cliff that lay on the edge of the city, gazing down at the twinkling lights below. Nearby he could see the opulent mansion that belonged to the infamous Tohsaka Family. Kirei Kotomine smirked, this was his target.

"The Church has contacted me." he spoke into the night air, seemingly alone. "They have told me that Caster, the final Servant in this war has appeared."

A shape suddenly dropped out of the trees behind him, pirouetting as she landed on the ground. "Thank Goodness for that!" Assassin sing-songed. "I really was beginning to get bored." she chuckled, gripping her parasol tighter.

"Indeed." Kirei spoke sharply. "You will head immediately to the Tohsaka Estate. The barriers that surround the place should be child's play to you." he smirked again.

Assassin rotated her entire body on the spot, looking eerily like a two dimensional cartoon character, her singular blue globe fixated on him. "And what happens when I get there, Master?" she queried, tilting her head to the left in mock confusion. " I thought we were allied with the Tohsaka?"

"I wouldn't worry about that, even if you must fight Archer, there is no reason to fear him."

She clapped her hands together and bounded over to the edge of the cliff, bending down to look over the side, before she gave him a wicked grin.

"Your first mission is to kill Tohsaka Tokiomi." he simply stated.

If it were possible, the wicked grin on Assassin's face simply grew larger stretching across her face from eye to eye-patch. Then, she simply walked off the edge, dropping to the floor hundreds of feet below.

Assassin bounded through the forest at breakneck speed, coming to the edge of the Tohsaka Estate in a matter of seconds skidding to a halt just outside the Bounded Field that had been set up against unwanted intruders. Her singular unblinking eye gazed at it silently for a few seconds, the pupil inside flicking left and right erratically gazing at the beautifully maintained flower beds that dotted the gardens. Then, she simply sighed and pouted, looking even more childish that she already was.

"I was hoping for a much bigger challenge that this!"she sighed disappointedly. Then with a quick flick of her wrist, a long tape measure snapped through the air almost invisible to the naked eye as she destroyed the jewels that held together the barrier. With a quick skip and a hop, she was directly in front of the last jewel sat cosily on the pedestal in the centre of the Estate. She wiggled her fingers and stood up on her tiptoes, stretching her arm out to grasp the ruby red jewel.

A blue flash flickered in the air and Assassin snatched her hand back, just as a giant spear crashed through the pedestal and destroyed the jewel causing the boundary around the gardens to fall apart. If she had been a split second too late, her hand would have been impaled. Assassin could only smirk madly, and turned her head to look at the figure who had just attacked her.

"Well now, I wasn't expecting that from such a lowly worm." stated the figure, rather arrogantly. "Who ever gave you permission to come here?" Several more flashes fell through the sky, smashing into the garden below as Assassin hopped backwards, avoiding them without a care in the world.

Assassin back-flipped over one of the swords that would have impaled her, before she stood up straight, stretching her back and cracking the bones beneath. She waved up at the golden haired man that scowled down at her.

"Hiya! You must be Archer right? Nice to meet ya, I'm Assassin!" she continued to wave at him, rambling on about menial things as the scowl on his face grew darker and darker by the second.

"I have had enough of you prattle, stupid girl! Now tell me, why have you come here?" Archer growled out. By Ishtar, this woman was infuriatingly cheerful.

She blinked up and him and raised a single finger to her lips. She seemed to think about it for a few seconds before she replied cheerfully. "Can't tell ya that Archie! But I can tell ya.." she smiled darkly. "I've come to kill your Master."

Archer immediately responded by shooting more swords her way, and again she simple leapt away before digging a hand into her ample chest and pulling out a long purple blade that glimmered in the moonlight.

"Ta-da!" she cheered, swinging the blade around in her hands. "This is my Noble Phantasm. I like to call it 'The Scissor Blade!" She launched herself at Archer and swung the strange blade at the incoming swords. Like butter, the blade sliced through them, cutting the weapons to pieces. "You'll have to do better than that to me!" she laughed as the blade vanished back into her dress and as she drew closer, she raised her parasol and hit Archer right in the chest.

To Archer, it was like getting hit by a freight train and he flew backwards to crash into the concrete. Luckily, he was nothing if not resilient and he stood up almost immediately.

"Woah! You must be really strong if you can take that from me!" she laughed again. "I really, really like fighting you."

"Unfortunately for you mongrel, I don't!" and with a burst of enhanced speed, he instantly appeared in front of her and plunged his right arm into her chest, revelling in the shock that appeared on her pretty little face as he squeezed down and crushed her heart into pieces before withdrawing his hand.

She stood there, eye twitching for a few moments, before blood pooled from her lips and she collapsed to the floor, her body writhing in it's death throes. Archer looked down at her, impassively, before he simply brought forth another sword and sliced off her head, watching it tumble across the garden, blonde curls and all.

"A lowly worm like you, does not deserve to look upon me." he stated haughtily, arms crossed. "A worm should look upon the ground when it dies." He stared at her corpse for a few more moments before he returned to being incorporeal and went to search out his Master.

"My Servant is dead. My right as Master is forfeited and I can no longer take part in the Holy Grail War." Kirei stated to the old priest in front of him. "In accordance to the Treaty, I Kotomine Kirei, ask that the Church shelter and protect me."

"Your request is accepted" the old priest told him. "In my role as Judge, I, Kotomine Risei grant your protection for the duration of this war." He gestured towards the open doors of the church. "Now, come inside."

With a small nod, Kirei walked inside, his father following close behind, shutting the large wooden doors behind him. He walked down the aisles until he reached the pew and turned to his father cautiously.

"Has anyone been watching this church?" he asked.

His father shook his head. "No, this place has been declared a neutral sanctuary. Any Master who defies this decree will be censured."

Kirei glanced to the side and addressed the empty space beside him. "So it's safe then. You may come out."

A single figure materialised directly next to Kirei, Assassin popping into existence making the two family members start. For someone who had been brutally torn to pieces a few hours ago, she looked spick and span. She put a hand to her neck and rubbed it slightly wincing almost unnoticeably, and Risei grimaced slightly as a sickening crack echoed in the empty church as she twisted her head nearly 90 degrees.

Kirei simply ignored this and looked at his Servant. "The battle? Who was watching you?"

"There were four Servants watching the battle, Master!" she told him, counting each one off of her long fingers.

Risei brought his hand to his chin as if stroking an imaginary beard. "Hmm." he wondered. "Two days ago, Caster was confirmed to have been summoned. All the masters should have been watching but.."

"One was absent" Kirei finished, sighing. "I was hoping all the Masters would be present.."

"Well...that doesn't matter! There's always next time..." Assassin darkly intoned. "But before that, I think it's time I go shopping. I want to see all the fashions in this world! Don't worry, I'll make sure none of those other Servants ever see me, and when I get back we can go over just what happens next eh?" After her Master agreed, she vanished into nothingness and the malevolent presence that had spread through the church since she had arrived finally dissipated.

Both Kirei and his father let out the sigh of relief they had been holding in, before they both gathered themselves.

"It starts with this! The Fourth Holy Grail War has begun!" intoned Risei, the smile on his face growing wider. "May these old eyes of mine see a miracle incarnate at last!"

As he turned and left, Kirei lowered his head and stared at the ground, shadows falling over his face.

Outside in the gloom of the night, atop a lamppost, Assassin stared down at Fuyuki City, a twisted smile on her face. She laughed and laughed and laughed until she grew bored and simply said to herself...

"La vie est drole!"

AN!: And so we begin the story with a character I have considered one of the greatest anime villains of recent years, give it up for the Joker reborn, the fashionably fabulous femme fatale, Nui Harime!

Nui is one of the most sadistic and evil villains that I have ever seen on the screen and I would say that she's even worse that the real Big Bad of Kill La Kill, Ragyo. She murdered Ryuko's father in cold blood and at one point even killed Senketsu! The only thing she truly cares about is making everyone else's lives miserable and no-one, not even Ragyo can get in her way.

Of course, I instantly became a fan! I've always loved villains that act funny or cute (Tobi from Naruto etc.) but deep down, they are actually raging psychopaths. A few other writers have done Assassin Nui before, but I wanted to do my own spin on it and I think it came out pretty well. Just imagine Shirou having to face off against her in 10 years time if Kirei wins this time around! Brrr...

Statistics:

Class: Assassin

Identity: Nui Harime

Titles: The Grand Couturier of Revocs

Origin: Kill La Kill

Basic Stats:

Alignment: Chaotic Evil

Noble Phantasms: B+

Strength: C

Mana: D

Endurance: B

Agility: C

Luck: B

Class Skills:

Presence Concealment: A+

Independent Action: EX

Item Construction: A

Territory Creation: A

Personal Skills:

Shape-Shifting: B

Battle Continuation: A

Eye for Art: B

Noble Phantasms:

Scissor Blade 'From Your Dear Old Dad': B+

Exposition:

Presence Concealment: A+

Assassin is capable of appearing out of nowhere suddenly and disappearing all the same. As long as Assassin does not attack, she can remain almost invisible.

Independent Action: EX

Assassin is able to 'go wherever I want to go, and no one can stop me.' She is capable of travelling anywhere in the world for an unlimited amount of time without needing a prana supply or a connection to her Master. She is also adept in appearing behind or next to people without them noticing. As a result Assassin is almost notoriously difficult to control and may wander off on her own, but this can be compromised by allowing her to sate her blood-lust by battling.

Item Construction: A

Assassin is capable of bringing forth a small set of items including, a sewing kit, measuring tools and various fabrics. Assassin uses this combined with her Territory Creation to sew costumes and clothes for others to wear.

Territory Creation: A

As a clothing manufacturer, Assassin can bring forth a small workshop filled with various machines which she uses in the making of her garments.

Shape-Shifting: B

Assassin is able to flawlessly transform herself into various people by stitching Life Fibers into the shape of a body and then wrapping herself within. However the eye-patch she wears cannot be disguised and thus hampers the skill. She is also able to emulate the voice and body size of a person no matter the gender.

Battle Continuation: A

In life, Assassin was able to take various attacks that would have been fatal to ordinary humans and come out without a scratch. If her limbs are severed she can simply regrow them as long as the Life Fibers inside remain unbroken. Only two people have ever hurt her, one resulting in the loss of her eye and the other, the temporary loss of her arms.

Eye for Art: B

Assassin was the second in command at a world dominating clothing empire, and is extremely knowledgeable about anything involving fabrics to the point of being able to destroy any clothing or armour, including those created by a Noble Phantasm, with just her pinky finger. Assassin is also able to correctly identify tools and Noble Phantasms that relate to clothing or fabric.

Scissor Blade 'From Your Dear Old Dad': B+

A purple blade shaped like half a pair of scissors. Created by Isshin Matoi to directly combat the alien life form known as Life Fibers, the Scissor Blade is sharp to the point of cutting through nearly all materials and is many cases, destroying an opponents armour in one strike. Normally at the rank of EX, Assassin was only able to steal one half from her victim and as such it's rank is decreased.

(This stat sheet was borrowed from Harosata's Fanfic: Threads of Fate and was modified to better suit how I saw the character.)

Next Time:

Heart of a Lion

AN: So, after being away from Fanfic writing for quite some time due to real life issues (Christmas, Laptop breakdowns and Cosplay Cons) I got around to writing this little piece. Fear not, Among the Stars readers, I'm still working hard on that story!

I've always wanted to write my own series of Fate Stay Servants and never really got round to it until now. For most of the Servants that will be in this series of unconnected oneshots, I have created stat sheets for so I can write the chapters around them.

This series will fluctuate between the original Fate Stay and Zero, but I won't be doing Extra or Hollow Atraxia as I have never played those visual novels and those two as far as my knowledge goes, don't have an anime adaptation. Most of the stuff I know about those two in particular come from the Type Moon Wiki or Tv Tropes.

I will be mixing up who gets what Servant here and there (Shirou might get a Berserker etc.) but it puts a nice twist on things, don't ya think?

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed the story!