A/N: I'm back! Remember that I know Zeref is probably way out of character in my stories, but I just want him to loosen up a lil' bit.
Warning: this story contains adult themes.
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I dare you…
He-who-shall-not-be-named was eating peacefully (don't question it...), when his sister-in-law plumped down next to him with a loud thud. Sneaking a glance, Zeref knew immediately that something was up. Since he was not in the mood for 'monthly problems', he decided not to acknowledge her presence.
However, if Lucy Heartfilia was seeking for attention, she knew how to persuade the Black Mage.
For the next ten minutes multiple sighs came out her mouth, several whimpers filled the guild hall and at some point Lucy even blew in Zeref's ear. That was the last straw.
With a frustrated groan, he threw the hamburger back on his plate (as I said, please don't question it…) and turned his head towards the celestial mage.
"Fine, what the hell is wrong with you?"
Lucy pouted cutely. Zeref blinked a few times in confusion. Why on earth was she acting so out of character today?
The blonde clasped her hands together, tilted her head a little to the side and gave him her best puppy dog eyes she had. "Can you persuade Natsu to… you know… make bacon with me?"
"Making bacon? How hard can it be to ask it yourself?"
Lucy shook her head rapidly. "I'm talking about… rolling in the hay."
This confused the poor Black Mage even more. "Why on earth… dry grass.. in your ears? I don't have a clue what you are trying to say," Zeref said as he was scratching the top of his head.
"I just want to get lucky with Natsu!" Lucy yelled at the top her lungs, attracting the attention of the entire guild.
"That's my girl!" Cana grinned madly as she draped an arm around Lucy's shoulder.
"Okay, just tell me straight on what the hell she is talking about, because I just can't… Holy Fucking Shit!" ("HE-WHO-SHALL-NOT-BE-NAMED, LANGUAGE PLEASE!" Erza yelled. Poor Zeref whimpered in fear…)
Cana showed him a lopsided smile. "She wants you to convince Natsu to have sex with her…"
A crimson red painted Zeref's cheeks as he turned into a spluttering mess. "S-S-S-e… WHAT ON EARTHLAND?"
A faint blush appeared on Lucy's face as she let out a girly giggle and muttered something about loving the dragon slayer. An awkward hiccup soon followed.
The Black Mage gritted his teeth as he turned to scold Cana. "What did you give her?"
The card mage shrugged uncaringly. "Who cares? Lucy's way more fun now!" Cana laughed.
Zeref's eye twitched in anger. He grabbed Lucy by her shoulders and began shaking her violently. "SNAP OUT OF IT!"
The blonde just continued to giggle. "With the way you're treating her now… I have a feeling… you're killing her instead of snapping her out of it," Cana said, trying to hold back her laughter.
Lucy struggled to escape Zeref's and when she managed to do that, she began taking her clothes off in front of the entire guild.
That's when his last bit of sanity lost his mind.
Magic poured from his veins when his eyes turned to a crimson red colour. His teeth became sharper, his breathing heavier. A dark aura surrounded his body, slowly he turned his face towards the poor card mage. However, she seemed not afraid at all… a small smile was playing on her lips. That made Zeref even more angry… a black mist formed in the guild hall.
"I was peacefully enjoying my hamburger when you decided to torment me with a drunk-on-poison Lucy. You interrupted my personal space… And on top of that, you humiliated my brother's girlfriend… YOU TRIED ME TO CONVINCE NATSU TO HAVE SEX WITH HER!" Zeref shouted, but as he was about to use his darkest spell, he was suddenly interrupted.
"WE WIN!" A voice yelled that sounded remarkably like Lucy's. "CANA AND I WIN!"
Multiple groans filled the silence of the hall. "Come and give me the money, bitches!" Cana shouted in laughter.
Immediately, Zeref's dark aura left him and his facial expression was replaced with utter confusion.
"Can somebody please inform me what the hell is going on?" He whispered, more to himself than to someone else.
"We were betting if you had the nerve to say the word 'sex'," Lucy explained. "Since you know, you're probably the oldest virgin alive," Cana added.
"Technically I'm dead," Zeref answered.
"Still, you're the oldest mage to have ever lived," Lucy giggled.
"So, you haven't been poisoned by her?" The Black Mage answered astonished and pointed to Cana ("Hey, that sounded insulting!").
"Nope," Lucy said as she shrugged.
"To what lengths were you trying me to say the word… s-s-s-e…" Zeref blushed profoundly.
"We knew you would never hurt anyone," Cana said.
"But I was about to hit you!"
"Nothing scares us anymore since Acnologia is dead, so… sorry for me to say this, but you're out of business in the evil section," Lucy said and playfully smacked his shoulder, but failed miserably as she went right through him (you get my confusion about him eating a hamburger).
"Not fair!" Zeref said as he crossed his arms over his chest childishly.
"On top of that, who says I'm still a virgin? I've lived over 400 years… you don't know anything about me!"
"…You've made love to someone who is not me?" A voice behind suddenly interrupted the conversation.
Zeref's body immediately froze, but he turned around anyway. There he was met with Mavis' teary eyes.
… He was screwed.
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A/N: You're welcome to leave a review.