A/N: Sorry guys for the late update, the grammatical mistakes and all. From this chapter until the final chapter (there are twenty chapters), the story will turn around one hundred and eighty degrees. It will be full of angst and drama, and if anyone is curious and know Spanish, you can read the full fic without grammatical mistakes searching it in my profile (Desde Rusia con Amor) because it is my language and the original is already finished.

(Eli POV)

(Ayase residence, December 24th, 13:17)

It was a cold day. Not as much as the winters in Russia, but the humidity reached your bones. Just thinking of her comforted me. It was all that seemed to warm me up.

That sounded a little weird, huh?

My sister Arisa and I had to clean the house and pick up the tackle for the upcoming arrival of our parents, scheduled for Christmas morning. Fortunately, and thanks to our permanent organization, it took barely an hour to leave the apartment as clean as if it was new.

"Onee-chan, onee-chan!"

"What do you want, Arisa '"

"Since we finished cleaning... Can I go to Yukiho's home?"

Unlike me, Arisa had much better deal with her classmates than me. We were very different; she, unlike me, was open, trusting, and always cheerful. Qualities that sometimes I envied, but more than once they had achieved something bad happened to her. Yukiho was the sister of Honoka, one of my friends. Yes, I finally got to make friends. Clearly, without the help of my dear Nozomi I would not have made them.

Nozomi...

"Sure. But be sure to be back for dinner, okay? After all, today is Christmas Eve."

"Yes! See you, onee-chan!" she ran to get her coat and I knew I was alone when I heard the sound of the door closing behind her.

I let out a long and hopeless sigh. I was alone; again. It was about three days that I knew nothing about Nozomi, I don't even had the courage to call her. Perhaps she was busy doing God knows what.

To think that last sentence, my mind went blank. Well, not exactly blank, let's say an invented or inappropriate picture invaded my brain for longer than allowed.

What's happening to me? Always the same... I guess it's normal, what more could think of a teenager home alone and dying of cold?

I shook my head to get rid of all those nonsense that came to my mind like bees to honey, but it was almost impossible. It had nothing to do, I had no courage to face the shame that came over me when it came to her. I was a complete coward who only knows how to dance ballet. The only thing that I ever was trained and yet the only thing that I could never be the best in. I was a failure. Failure of person, a failure as a woman and a failure as a dancer. The only thing left was to shrink over my bed, hugging my knees, trying to feel a little more useful. But it was no useful.

I didn't even have the right to think that I could allow the unaffordable luxury of declaring certain gorgeous purple-haired girl as mine. There was nothing in my being that could make me stand out from others. What if I want to get used to the idea that she preferred me before a college guy? I didn't understand anything, I didn't understand my own thoughts. But I had too many dilemmas to worry enough to try finding their meaning.

I constantly tried to think positively. It is true that all of our high school girls write letters or make confessions to me. I remember I thought they liked my cold character, my dedication to the studies and work on the Student Council, my physical appearance and other things like that. All these were really subjective things that I could not trust. What if she didn't like my blond hair? Or my blue eyes? What if she wouldn't even notice me for being of the same sex? It was a torture trying to think otherwise. I was a real failure, for God's sake! Is it possible that such a wonderful girl like her would notice me? No, I thought not at all. But despite everything, I couldn't keep it out of my head.

I would never alienate all those doubts, all those unanswered questions. Because I was a coward, and talk about something so complicated with her was out of my reach. Maybe I could have called her, or I could have visited her. I could have asked her out and see the Christmas decorations in the neighborhood. We could have gone to the Akiba café and we could have shared a chocolate parfait with blueberries. Then, we could have gone to her empty apartment, and we could placing ourselves huddled on the couch with the heater on while watching one of those mythical adorable films that cast for those dates. Later, I could have tasted her delicious food, and hopefully, at night, I could have tasted her.

But no; I was a coward. All my dreams were out of my reach.

My heart was a Pandora's box. Always closed, for fear of what it could hide inside. Hidden, locked in the depths of my being. Accurate feelings that never see the light of day. Because, ladies and gentlemen, the former dancer almost universally recognized with Russian genes Ayase Eli was a real coward who didn't have enough to say what she feels. Because yes; she was scared. Because the fear of Nozomi's rejection was much worse than the blackest darkness that had never existed.

I couldn't prevent a cascade of salty tears began flowing from my eyes. Tears of rage, impotence, cowardice, fear. An explosion of contradictory emotions that I couldn't cope. I couldn't with it.

Suddenly, pulling me out of everything in whatever I was thinking, someone rang a couple of serene taps on the door. I looked at the clock, which was barely four o'clock in the evening; it was very strange that Arisa came so early. I thought of Nozomi. Perhaps it was her. Maybe, just maybe it that way I would dare to ask her out a little earlier in the evening. I could invite her to have dinner at our house with Arisa and I for not having to spend Christmas Eve alone. It would be a wonderful night, no doubt. But all my dreams collapsed when the person I least expected to appear at that time in my apartment door appeared.

"Hello, my cute and clever Elichika."

"Hello... grandfather."

My grandfather, Mr. Pyotr Ayase, known and respected nationally in Russia, was a youngish man both in age and in appearance, gray hair, gray eyes, pale skin and hypocritical gestures most times. He was almost fifty, and he kept with great vitality that many envied. I always assumed it was one of the things that the cold and the alcohol caused in older people; a strong performance. For him, money mattered more than anything else in the world, he was a great man of business owner of many companies, protected by many mafias and feared by many, many people. The strange thing about this visit, apart from knowing his tiny relation with his family, was that I had only seen him a few times in my life: all of them in very important finals of professional ballet competitions; finals in which, as the unsuccessful girl that I have always been, I wasn't in first place. I didn't know him, I hadn't him as a grandfather or anything. We only shared the family name. Seeing him there in front of my apartment, it gave me a very bad omen.

"Aren't you going to say anything more to your grandpa, Elichika?"

I remained silent, trying to smile in a friendly way.

"You were always a very cool girl." Without another word, he walked to the middle of my living room.

"What are you doing here?" I managed to say.

He smiled, with a sinister grin, looking anywhere but not in my eyes. He was dressed in a very elegant way, as if to prove to everyone that he had a big capital. I appreciated that Arisa wasn't at home at the time.

"What do you think? I thought they called you cute and clever for something, dear."

His smile was disgusting. It reflected falsehood and pure disgust. It was unbearable to watch.

"You shouldn't be here."

"And who says that?"

"I do. Because this is my house." I sort of felt a little proud to have had the courage to reply with a firm voice. In the inside, I was feeling a coward, but I tried by every means to stay upright.

"Let me correct you: this was your house. You're coming home with me and your sister too, but don't worry about her, they have already gone to pick her up..."

My breathing stopped for a moment. I didn't know how to analyze the situation, I didn't know what he meant. I did not know how to respond or appear to be as strong. I was a coward.

"What? You can't appear here as if nothing and believe that we'll go with you."

He felt the trembling and weak tone of my voice, to which he smirked.

"Dear Elichika, you'll have plenty of cute but I'm afraid that of clever you have nothing. Had you forgotten that you are still a minor? Not to mention that there is nobody in Russia who dares to contradict me. I have many contacts that might change your mind, if something like this doesn't change it before... " He moved his right hand to his pants pocket, he left it show the bright metal of a knife. A shiver ran down my spine.

"...What do you want?"

"I want your talent, your physical, your beauty. I have been offered a huge sum of money by the great dancer Ayase. I want my professional ballet dancer, to make me even richer, dear." He smiled with a satisfied grin.

How dare he even referring to me as an object of his property? He had no right. The smart choice would be calling the police, denouncing or contacting with my parents. But neither was certain, because it would have consequences.

"I refuse."

"Onee-chan!" I took my view quickly to the place of origin of that voice that sounded. At the door, I saw Arisa, with watery eyes and a man behind her holding her, for not letting her to escape.

"We can always take advantage of the innocence of the little Arisa to get some other wretched fortune." His dirty intentions angered me. Nothing made sense. I couldn't refuse, I couldn't resist or escape. I couldn't do anything. "Elichika, if you're a good girl you can enjoy many luxuries, don't you understand? Just come with me back home."

I remained silent.

"You can buy all the clothes you want, all the cars, servants, and you will have all men that you want in your bedroom when you have free time."

Inside me some wires got crossed. I didn't want money. I didn't want cars. I didn't want fame. And much less men. I knew exactly what I wanted.

"My home is here. With my friends, Arisa, and Nozomi."

For the first time in the afternoon, he looked me at the eyes when I said the last name.

"Nozomi? The cute Elichika already has a boyfriend? We can convince him to come, it's not a pr-"

"Nozomi's a girl! And I don't think of getting away from her!" Tears streaming down my cheeks looking loophole, something I couldn't find so easily.

His gesture took a turn one hundred eighty degrees. His grin became a look of contempt and revulsion. "A girl..."

"Yes. A beautiful, tender, intelligent, cheerful, understanding, caring girl. A girl I adore. A girl I love."

For once in my life, I felt brave. At last I was opening my heart, probably by the pressure and fear of leaving everything I wanted. At the same time, I removed a huge burden off being honest. Pyotr's eyes could strike down an entire regiment if looks had the power to kill. His look contrasted with the look of surprise of my sister, which was followed by a warm smile of approval. I smiled to myself; grateful.

When I felt an impact on me I forgot Arisa smile to realize that someone had grabbed me by the collar and had pushed me violently against the wall. All I could see were his clear gray, angry eyes, and his scowl. He was so close that I could smell him, I perceived its fragrance of wet ground and metal to perfection . It was horrible. It remembered me of the smell of blood.

"Listen, stupid whore, because I won't repeat it."

I tried to close my eyes and go away, but the smell was so intense that it made me want to vomit, which forced me to keep my attention on him. I heard Arisa sobbing in the background, the rough movements that she made to get free from the man in black, I heard the heavy breathing of Pyotr, but they were just a lot of echoes. The nervous and frightened beating of my heart, was the main sound.

"Your name is Ayase Eli, okay? You're one of the best ballet dancers in Russia. You're granddaughter of the famous and graceful tycoon Ayase Pyotr. A beautiful young lady wirh blond hair and admired figure. You possess all the men you please, and all the luxuries that interest you. You are a smart, strong girl, and above all, quiet. Do you understand? I won't tolerate that my granddaughter is a fucking lesbian; and I'll let all men who work for me violate you if I get to change that. Think twice before naming that bitch."

"Nozomi isn't a bi-"

A few seconds later, I felt a strange burning sensation in my cheek. It hurt me. But I didn't regretted having said it, and I would say it a thousand times more if it's necessary.

When he stopped grabbing me, my legs failed and I fell to my knees. I didn't quite understand what was happening, but I knew I had to protect what I wanted. I had to do what this man who could be classified as unknown wanted if I wanted Arisa to be safe. I was forced me to stop loving. What a naive, right? Asking impossible things to a not-that-cowardly coward.

He adjusted his tie and his suit before he sighed, and turned to the man in black.

"Hey, Stanislav, leads the girls in the jeep, I'll go ahead to get the tickets."

"Yes, sir."

After saying that, he walk away with the same ease with which he came. He climbed to a dull gray car with tinted windows and drove away from the apartment. The man that I kept in my memory with the Russian name Stanislav looked at us with sadness.

"Sorry about this, but it's my job. Although I couldn't betray him even if I wanted without risking my life and my family." He had green eyes and blond hair, much like my sister. Unlike Pyotr, he was a man in his twenties, with square factions and rather soft and tender gestures.

"We know, don't worry about that." I said once stood.

"Let me introduce myself a little more formal: my name is Risko Stanislav, senior confidant of Mr. Ayase. Now we have to go to the airport, so please go in the car."

Without understanding anything yet, and relying on the young Russian more than in Pyotr, we did what he said. I sat in the passenger seat, and Arisa in the back. When we put the seatbelt, he started the engine and we set off at a safe speed.

"I'm really sorry about all of this, but I hope you understand that I have no right to speak."

"We understand you, Stan-chan." Arisa said with a smile from the rear.

"Arisa!" I replied annoyed by the lack of distrust that she always showed.

"Sorry, onee-chan..."

Stanislav let out a soft chuckle as he watched Arisa by the rearview mirror.

"From now on I'll probably be the best person to trust, so it's an honor to call me that, Ayase-san."

"I'll thank you not to call us with the family name that we share with such a monster." I snorted, annoyed.

"Understood. Is it right and Arisa and Eli-san, then?"

"Much better." After all, that boy seemed much nicer than I expected.

Talking about anything with extreme importance, we reached a small traffic jam in one of the busiest streets in Akiba. I looked out the window to see the florist, a few meters from the car, right on the street. A few people were buying last-minute gifts, probably for their special someone. I sighed.

"Eli-san, do you let me give you some advice and a few coins?"

I looked at him confused.

"I must admit you had been very brave defending that Nozomi in such a loyal and faithful manner. A feeling tells me that you won't see her in a while, let alone maintain contact with her. It's Christmas, what better than give her some flowers? I'm sure she will thank you even if you have to leave so suddenly." He smiled trying to make me feel better.

I smiled back, thanking the gesture. Taking advantage of the jam, I got off the car with the coins he had given me and entered the flower shop. When I close the door behind me, the fragrance mix of dozens and dozens of different kinds of flowers and plants broke my nose. It was a pretty big place, where the walls were barely seen because of such huge amount of nature subject in pots. There were so many, and all so beautiful, I didn't know what to choose.

"Good afternoon, do you need help?" A clerk looked at me with a friendly smile and probably tired from a hard and stressful day at work in a store surely full of people doing their last minute shopping.

"Hi, and yes; I need some flowers for a girl." I felt a deep pride shake my body every time I said that.

"Oh, of course. What kind of flowers are you looking for?"

I hesitated. I had never given flowers to Nozomi, even considering she was a girl who loved nature. Perhaps the roses were always a good choice. Red, passionate, straightforward. No, no, no, it was not the style of Nozomi. And carnations? No, no, very typical... What about sunflowers? Do not even think about it...

I took a quick look at the store, until little white flowers that were behind a small fir trees transplanted caught my attention.

"Excuse me, what are those flowers?"

The clerk went to set aside the pots where that trees were and picked up with care the white flowers. "Oh, these? Are lilies."

"Lilies..." They looked lovely. I didn't understand how such beautiful flowers occupied a place so hidden from the people, so far, so private. A contrasting white lilies against the tide of color that were the rest of flowers. Yeah, maybe they would work.

"Do you think she'd like them?"

"Well, in my opinion, they are really beautiful. They have a mysterious, tempting air, while they have a sweet air that few flowers have." I looked at them again. She was right.

"Then I took these. Could you bring them to this address tomorrow morning?"

"A Christmas present, huh?" She smiled. "Of course, would you want to write something for that girl along with the flowers?" She went to the desk, opened a drawer and took out a paper and a pen. Then she gave it to me.

I looked at the blank paper a little puzzled. The idea of writing something in the situation in which I was found could be dangerous, but would probably be the last chance to contact her. I needed the words to keep her safe, but to be happy with myself.

I had to find the words that I would say if it was the last time I had the opportunity to talk to her, given that it might be indeed.

I had to remain brave, as I was before. I had to finally take off the weight off, but in her case, it was more complicated. Ironic how I could replicate a millionaire Russian gangster easier to tell the girl of my dreams what was going through my mind every time I thought about her.

I opted for the basic, short and simple. Apologize for everything in short, apologize for not saying goodbye and apologize for not having been the woman I should had been.

Sorry for have been a coward all my life, Nozomi.

I signed, I folded the paper and pointed the direction of her apartment in it. I gave it to the clerk that with a smile hid the letter among the lilies. I gave her the coins, smiled back, and like a coward and a loser, I returned to the car with Arisa and Stanislav, to follow the Airport Road.