If I owned these characters, I would not be working a full-time job while finishing a full-time graduate program. I am just borrowing them for the evening…

A special thanks to gingersnapped907 for reviewing before I published. You rock! and thanks for the encouragement to actually publish this!

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Three weeks ago, I had scheduled the maintenance for my car so I wouldn't have to worry about it over the holiday with Emily and Ricky staying here. At the same time, I had made arrangements for Andy to pick me up from the shop and drive me to work. That was before everything happened. "What was I thinking? After everything that has come to light in the last few days, I have to be in a car with him alone and he'll want to talk about what happened." kept running through my mind as I was getting dressed. I still have a lot to process before we sit down to talk.

"Is there some trick to balancing your romance with your responsibilities? I mean how do you go out with my father at night and boss him around during the day?" Nicole's questions from two days ago is going through my head. How could we balance the romance with the responsibilities at work especially since I am his boss? I never even noticed how close Andy and I usually stood at work until Nicole asked me these questions. It was just comfortable for us and worked for us. And now my brain is racing in so many directions and I have no idea what I should be or want to be thinking…

What do I feel about Andy? What do I want our relationship to be? In getting divorced, I never thought I would be dating again. Marriage is forever… You commit yourself to one person for the rest of your life. There are no "do overs". That's one of the reasons that I stayed married as long as I did to Jack.

Last night's conversation before the Nutcracker brought some clarity to me with regards to my feelings about the relationship that we have developed. Unlike other relationships, this one has completely crept up on me. It has been years since I have been on the dating scene. Is that how I missed the signs for this relationship being more than a friendship? I do not want to lose the friendship that I have built with Andy, but I do not feel like I should be in a relationship with him – not just because he is a subordinate – but that I do not get a second chance at marriage because there is only one in a lifetime no matter how screwed up that one was. But then why did I bother to go and get divorced? Obviously, it was for being able to adopt Rusty. However, were there other reasons that I didn't realize at the time? What do I really think of and feel for Andy? When I was in FID, we were like oil and water. We just didn't mix. Over the last two years, we have realized just how well we work together and have become very good friends.

Am I actually dating and just didn't realize it? I am starting to realize now that there is something more to it. Obviously, Andy thinks we are dating. I never have felt the need to classify our dinners as not being dates after the conversation before Nicole's wedding. There are romantic feelings on his part. Now, I realize that is why he didn't want to clarify the situation with Nicole. I'm starting to realize that there could be more to this relationship on my part, too. I just did not realize it until last night. As Rusty so carefully pointed out last night, we have been dating for most of the last year.

Am I ready to risk my heart again? It has been taken, beaten up, and tossed out with the trash by Jack. The other relationships that I have had were more about companionship than love. Is it worth the possible pain of loss to try to love again? Can I find the courage to actually take this relationship to the next level of intimacy? The physical part doesn't scare me, but the emotional dependency does.

Does everyone think we are dating? The kids seem to think we are. Jack must have gotten wind of something with the question he asked Rusty earlier this year. I'm not going to ask the team what they think. Obviously, Taylor does not think we are or Andy and I would have been called into his office and I would be facing disciplinary action. I know as I wrote the regulation that says that I cannot be his boss if we are in a relationship. One of us is going to have to leave Major Crimes. I don't want to oust him from the job that he loves. I would transfer before he was asked to. That's one more thing that we need to talk about.

So how am I going to make it through the trip to the station with only Andy in the car? It's not like I can talk about the show from last night in any detail. I love the Nutcracker, but I was too distracted to actually pay attention to it. I really don't want to talk about the thoughts I have going through my head at the moment about our "relationship". Hopefully, he will not expect me to talk to him during the drive to work today.