A Complicated Matter
by Kim Smuga-Otto
Disclaimer - these are not my characters, this is not my world or set up, all credit, thanks and apologies go to Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi.
All right, one more chapter. This one's more serious, more introspective, with fewer cameos by other characters. Hope you like it.
* * *Pachin. Shindou played the first black stone in his right hand corner. It was standard fuseki, placed with the ease and strength of any experienced player, and only Akira's recollections connected it to their first game, played in this same corner of the go salon. His eyes were drawn to one intersection of lines on the board. The spot had no significance for this game, but previously, what was it, five years ago . . .
It hadn't been the best move. It hadn't been the strongest move. It had been the move to test him, Touya Akira. What presumption, from an unknown grade schooler who could barely hold a stone, but Akira had lost that game by half a moku. From that day, Akira's attitude to go, no, his whole world had changed, though he hadn't acknowledged it until much later.
Shindou had played such a move recently, although it was not on a go board.
"When a guy is desperately in love with someone, you'd have to be blind not to see it." Shindou had said. To which Akira had asked:
"But if the interest is not returned?"
"Then it gets complicated," was Shindou's reply, his testing move.
Complicated.
The beauty of having secret, unrequited feelings, is that since nothing will come of them, you don't have to explain them, even to yourself. Until that moment, they had simply existed in Akira, bringing him no joy, no pain, not even discomfort.
But now, things were complicated, in Akira's mind, if nowhere else.
Shindou had never brought up the issue, and his mannerisms and attitude towards Akira hadn't changed
No, that wasn't true. Sometime over the past four months since that silly junior high festival, they'd begun to act more as friends, much to everyone's surprise. It wasn't anything overt. It was just that, as two professional go players, they tended to end up at the same events, and it was perfectly reasonable for them to hang out together afterwards or beforehand. It made sense for them to compare notes, to have study sessions, to eat lunch together. And every time, Akira had felt a terrifying mix of nervousness and pleasure.
"You're taking an awfully long time on your first move." observed Shindou.
"Trying to catch you off your guard," replied Akira. He hadn't realized his mind was wondering so. He played a standard opening.
"You'd need a lot more facial hair and a motorcycle to pull that off." said Shindou, a cryptic smile on his face. Pachin.
"You all set for Hiroshima tomorrow?" asked Akira.
"Pretty much. It's a laid back exhibition from what I can tell. And both you and Fuku will be there, should be fun."
"Yes," agreed Akira.
I heard Hiroshima okonomoyaki is really good, you want to go out to eat some together? Too desperate, and besides, they'd almost certainly do that anyway. I read that they've just finished rebuilding the Mijyajima Shrine, we could catch the fairy and check it out. Too much commitment. Want to go visit the A-bomb museum? Way too depressing.
Akira settled for inviting Shindou into a skirmish in the far left corner and was pleased to see his opponent respond. For now, this was all he was ready for.
* * * Akira's tutoring game finished quickly. He hoped it wasn't because he'd been impatient, and forced himself to be extra conscientious when giving an explanation. After all, there was no reason for him to rush off to see Shindou's demonstration.It was one of those publicity matches, specifically set up to interest young players. The announcers were by far the best looking of the female pros. Shindou and his opponent, Fuku, who'd only made pro this last year, had been chosen for their boy next door look and specifically asked to dress casually. The result of the game was deemed less important than the door prizes to be given out at the end. Akira had no doubt that Shindou would win.
Still, it would be an opportunity to watch Shindou across the room with no fear of him looking up and making eye contact. Or maybe he might . . . Akira gave himself a mental slap across the face, and forced himself to concentrate on the game's analysis.
Afterwards he walked over to the demonstration hall, only to find it in the process of emptying. Kids, including ones as old as himself, were pouring out of the room.
"Oh, and that one move!" said a breathless boy, sixth grade at most, "It was so cool."
"How did it go again?" His companion asked.
Amazing thought Akira, it might have actually worked. He allowed himself the barest of smiles while he imagined a new wave of young go players, inspired by Shindou and company. Something to rival even the Koreans.
"Hold the A and up key together then B C A C C. None of the other mortal combat characters stand a chance against it, except that girl."
Of course the go craze might need a few more exhibition matches before it swept the nation. And maybe a video game version.
"Ohhh, my brain . . . hurts." The female voice was deep and rumbly, like that of a shinto priestess or an enka singer with a hangover.
Akira turned to see Torikura Ruri, fifth dan, leaning against the wall. Akira had played her regularly and encountered her at numerous go related events, but this was the first time he'd seen her in a dress, and a short pink one to boot. He couldn't help but notice the run in her nylons.
"All those kids a bit much, Torikura-san?" ventured Akira.
"Yes," she said, between clenched teeth, "And the two sitting behind the go board, they were the worst of the bunch."
"Shindou wouldn't . . ." Akira started, and then caught himself. What could Shindou do to mess up a demonstration match?
Torikura rolled her eyes.
"We had a whole prepared lecture on fuseki planned," she explained. "And we asked them to play the first confrontation slowly, so we'd have enough time to carefully explain the significance of the attacks." She put a hand to her face, "They were into their first corner engagement before we even got the opening stones attached to the display board. Within ten minutes it was all I could do to call out the moves and hope Umezawa could get the stone placed before their next move. And at the end of the match, Shindou tells Fuku that he's gotten slow. Give me the old perverted men any day."
A small boy with far too much energy bounced by: "I want to play like those boys, Mom! I want to play fast and make the stones make that noise. Pachin. Pachin. Pachin."
His mother, keeping a firm grip on his hand nodded and said "We're visiting your grandfather tomorrow, I'm sure he'd love to play with you."
"I need a smoke," announced Torikura and stalked off.
"Oh, but the worst was when I screwed up with the placing of Shindou-kun's stone," this new voice was considerably more upbeat. Akira turned to see Umezawa Yukari walking out with Shindou and Fuku.
She looked quite at ease in the short flowered miniskirt and top. Fuku kept glancing at her, a rapt look on her face. Well, she was commonly referred to as the idol star of go.
"Torikura-sensei called the correct position," Shindou pointed out.
"I know, I know," Umezawa giggled, "but by that point Torikura-kun had miscalled once already, and honestly, that's where I would have placed the stone. Oh, Touya-kun, we were just going to look for you."
"I hear it was some game."
"Those two," Umezama shook her head, "are trouble. But they're also very sweet, and very cute, and as I have three older brothers, I'm used to such shenanigans."
Fuku blushed, especially at the cute part, although Akira couldn't help but notice that Umezawa's eyes were firmly on Shindou as she made this pronouncement. Shindou didn't seem to notice.
"Are you hungry, Touya?" Shindou asked, "I've got a recommendation for a really good okonomiyaki place."
"Say you'll come, Touya-kun." begged Umezama. "We're going to try to talk Torikura-kun into coming and Shindou-kun's invited this amateur player he knows. It will be fun."
"And we're going to order beer." Fuku chimed in.
"Hey," said Umezama, "How old are you anyway?"
That many people, and alcohol . . . Akira was certain he'd much prefer staying in the hotel. It's wasn't like he'd be missed. "I really don't think-"
"Oh, come on Touya, please come." said Shindou.
"Well . . ." Akira could tell by Shindou's smile that it was a genuine request, "all right then."
* * *Hikaru hadn't planned to be the designated sober person. Not that he'd wanted to get drunk, that was Fuku's stated goal. He'd been planning the night's escapades, far from his mother's careful watch, for nearly two months. But after their stunt at the demonstration, Shindou had figured at least one of them had to be on good behavior.
Not that it mattered. Torikura, arriving in tight leather pants and a coat with studs in it, had wasted no time challenging Shuhei, Hiroshima's top amateur player, to a drinking contest. Umezama had a seemingly unending line of men sending drinks her way and was, consequently, very 'happy' at the moment.
"It's no fair," she wailed, "you're a boy, Hikaru-kun. You shouldn't have such great hair. I can't even find your roots here!" and she leaned over to groom his hair.
Out of the corner of his eye, Hikaru saw Touya down another cup of sake. Fuku, as the youngest member of the group was more than adequately performing his role as drink pourer, quite amazing considering that he'd lost most of his hand-eye coordination.
"How about my hair, Umezama-kun?" asked Fuku, a slight whine to his voice. Hikaru feared Fuku was going to be one of those sentimental drunks.
"It's spiky," replied Umezama, "but Hikaru's is the bestest." and she pinched his cheek.
"Or Touya's?" said Hikaru, hoping to distract her.
"Nope, Hikaru-kun's the bestest."
Touya took a long sip from his sake cup, once more disturbingly full. Leaving Hikaru to wonder just what sort of drunk Touya would be.
It turned out he was the sort that overcompensated, slowing down his moves and guarding his words. There was a slight curve to his steps that Hikaru noticed as they left the restaurant, but not enough to worry Hikaru.
Which was good, because he had his hands full with Fuku and Umezama. Torikura had disappeared earlier with Shuhei, leaving Hikaru to wonder why adults made such idiots of themselves at these out of town conventions.
They dropped Fuku off at the room he shared with Hikaru first, then made their way to Umezama's room on the third floor. She had to give his hair a few more rub-downs and only let them leave after he swore he'd set her up an appointment with his stylist - his mom would be thrilled.
Touya had a decidedly unhappy look on his face, so Hikaru decided to walk him back to his room, just in case. Once there, Touya plopped himself down in front of the go board.
"I'm ready to answer your move, Shindou," he announced.
"Are you sure you're up to playing go?" asked Hikaru, confused. He should probably get back to his own room. Isumi had made him promise to see that Fuku got plenty of water to drink, and aspirin, and there were at least five other preventive hangover cures to administer. Hikaru had been forced to write them down.
"I'm finally ready for you, Shindou." Touya insisted, "Nigiri."
It wasn't worth the argument. Hikaru took his place opposite to Touya and selected two stones. Slowly and methodically, Touya counted his out loud. Seven. Hikaru would be white.
"You don't have a roommate," Hikaru noted as they cleared the board.
"Canceled. Sick." replied Touya.
Hikaru watched Touya scrutinizing the board. He could tell from cold calculation of his rival's eyes, the determine set of his mouth, Touya was playing for real. His arm shot out, his wrist snapped down to place the stone, and his fingers, fumbled. He caught it before the it hit the board, but it was with thumb and two forefingers that Touya placed his stone, and it wobbled. Hikaru looked away, but still caught the scowl on Touya's face. Their game had started.
Hikaru was distracted through the opening fuseki. Would a sober Touya be ticked off that Hikaru was humoring him with this game, or would he be offended if Hikaru went easy on him? It wasn't until they entered the first securing of territory that he realize what he'd been been playing. It was Sai's go.
Memorizing games had been one of the first go skills Hikaru had mastered. It was simple really, because each move was a response to the previous. The game was like a dialog between the two opponents, and the placed stone was a word, or sentence, or look. Knowing the end result made it simple to reconstruct everything that came before. Not that Hikaru could follow conversations terribly well. If he could, he'd end up with his foot in his mouth a lot less.
Sai's go was elegant, smooth, and seemed to Hikaru to dance about the board, masking strategic significance with tactical importance. In comparison, Hikaru's own go seemed to him straightforward and unrefined. But sometimes, Hikaru would see an opportunity with such potential, such hidden meaning that he suspected that even Sai would be at a loss. Those moves were beyond any player's personal style; they were the hand of god.
What Hikaru was playing now was plainly just an imitation of Sai's style. Hikaru had played so many games against the ghost, it was impossible not to remember that in current corner battle, Sai would prefer a hoshi to a knight's move, and then he'd jump back to strengthen his mid-board position.
Hikaru wouldn't have even considered such careless inattention to overall strategy if Touya weren't inebriated. The way the other boy was blinking, Hikaru wonder if he could even focus property on the board.
If I were to play this whole game, using only Sai's moves, thought Hikaru, what would happen? Sai was gone, he'd accepted that long ago. But he never gave up trying to discover aspects of the ghost. Visit Sushaku Honnibo's grave on just the right day, at just the right phase of the moon. Open an umbrella as fast as possible and glance right. Like magical incantations, they never worked, but Hikaru couldn't stop himself from trying them out. He strengthened his hoshi attack.
Slowly a pattern took shape. There was a spot that in less then five more of these Sai style moves, would secure the entire corner. It was utterly insignificant now, Hikaru just had to be patient. Touya was intent on the far corner which Hikaru already controlled, it was just a matter of walling off his advances to secure it completely.
Pach.... Touya's unsteady hand placed a stone in the center of Hikaru's territory, and Hikaru almost smiled. Then the pattern clicked in his brain.
How could he have missed it? And worse, the spot had been open for some time. He could counter here, still save maybe half of his holdings. But there was another opening here, and that area was barely defended. As Hikaru looked at the board as a whole, he had to fight the urge not to groan.
He hadn't been playing Sai's go, he recognized. It was more like when Tsutsui had needed to consult his books before moves. Worse, Tsutsui had least been paying attention to the overall board.
Hikaru smiled and sighed, thankful that he'd at least attempted this experiment with no witnesses besides Touya, who with luck wouldn't even remember the match. If Sai were here, he'd be laughing behind his fan. If Sai were here. . .
He bent his head slightly and said:
"I have nothing."
When he looked up, Touya's dilated eyes were intently focused on him.
"No," he replied, his words clearly enunciated, "You have everything."
His right hand steadying himself on the goban, Touya's left hand slipped
under the blond tresses. He leaned over and kissed Hikaru's lips.
Akira was dreaming of go, a common occurrence. He was watching a game between two shadowed figures, but was having trouble focusing on the board. PACHIN. The sound of the shadow player placing his stone was deafening, thundering, reverberating through the room, through Akira's whole body.
PACHIN. The second player placed his stone. PACHIN. PACHIN. PACHIN!
Akira awoke. The board and players were gone, but the reverberations continued to pound through his head. Was he dying?
He turned his head to the small table with his alarm clock, next to the all too bright digital display reading 7:32, he found a glass of water, two red pills and a note:
Figured you'd need these. And they say you should drink lots of water. Hope you're not too sick to tutor go tomorrow. See ya.- Shindou
Akira blinked, or tried to. How could Shindou know he'd wake up so ill? Slowly, the events of last night began to percolate through his brain, painfully. There was the bar, the sake, Fuku and Shindou fawning over Umezama, and more sake. Well, that was monumentally stupid. Shindou's friend Waya was going to have a field day when he found out. Although, since Waya usually berated him for being too stuffy and reserved, it would be a change of pace.
He took the pills and drank the water. He hadn't changed out of his clothes, which smelled heavily of smoke. Even more indicative of his state, he hadn't cleared the stones off the go board. When did I play go and just how much did I drink last night?
It was obviously a game with Shindou, Akira could tell that much from the positioning of the white stones. So he must have played black. He studied the board some more. What a frightful game, Shindou must have been even more judgment-impaired than Akira. How else to explain the pattern of stones in the far corner, or the ludicrous exchange near the center.
Slowly the game was coming back to him. Akira remembered seeing the unprotected corner, at first figuring it must be a trap set by Shindou. He'd watch it for five moves, before temptation got the better of him. It would be worth losing the game to see what Shindou was planning.
The look on the other boy's face was priceless - complete and utter shock. If only Akira had been able to pull off such a coup when they were both sober, it would have been such a sweet victory. As it was, Akira remembered thinking that Shindou was absolutely adorable when he was flustered. Then he hung his head and resigned, with such sadness in his eyes, such disappointment in his jaw line, that Akira just couldn't help but kiss him.
The memory rushed full force through his brain, and Akira felt his face flush. What idiocy could have compelled him to make such a mistake? His heart was racing and he couldn't get enough oxygen to his lungs.
It was unlikely that his rival would talk personally with him ever again. Their public appearances would be strained and formal, their matches played in silence. They'd never meet informally in the go salon. With such a barrier between them, could they ever truly play go again?
His body was shaking, cold from the inside out. Returning to his bed, Akira's eyes fell upon the note. When had Shindou written it? Surely before the game, before Akira's blunder. But . . .
Hadn't Akira demanded the game first thing upon entering the room? And someone must have gotten him to bed? If Shindou had written the note afterwards, wouldn't it have been a bit more curt? He wasn't expecting anything along the lines of "don't ever speak to me again, you pervert." But the note seemed genuinely cheerful. What could it mean?
He had to ask Shindou. He had to ask him now.
Still dressed in his clothes from the night before, Akira headed to Shindou's room. That this might be a bad idea occurred to him, but what could be an even remotely good idea, given the situation?
A green faced Fuku answered the door.
"Touya?" he said.
"Is Shindou here?" asked Akira.
"Shindou?" Fuku repeated, a look of incomprehension on his face. "He woke me up earlier. Said he was catching the train home."
"But it's barely eight now." No use running to the train depot, Shindou was probably already on his way to Tokyo. Touya wasn't sure of the train schedule, but if he could catch a nonstop Nozumi, he could make it to Shindou's house before three.
"I wonder why he took off like that?" asked Fuku, apparently the higher thought processes were starting to engage. "Weren't we all going to leave together at one, after your tutoring session?"
His tutoring session. If he skipped that, the officials would be angry at him. His father would be disappointed. He'd ruin his reputation of being the responsible, mature member the new wave of go players, not that Shindou hadn't pulled worse in the past.
"Fuku, will you do me a favor?" asked Touya, feeling like a louse, "Would you take over my tutoring session? Please?"
"Me?" Fuku looked astonished. "But I've only tutored once before."
"You'll do great," said Touya, marveling at how easy the assurances slipped from his lips, "It's for younger players. They're probably more familiar with you because of yesterday's game. Here, I'll write down the information."
"Uh, are you sure this is okay?"
"Absolutely." Akira lied, and took off before Fuku could come up with a logical counter-argument.
He showered, changed, packed with remarkable speed and efficiency, and was lucky enough not to run into any of the expositions organizers as he left the hotel. There was a nine o'clock non-stop train, he even managed to snag a nonsmoking car, and had time to purchase a boxed meal for the train. The best part was with all the running around, he didn't have to think about what he'd do when he met Shindou, or even why he was rushing to get there.
Once he was seated and the train pulled away from the station, all the doubts and self retributions came back to haunt him. He pushed the food away, he'd lost all appetite.
Shindou had caught the earliest train possible, meaning he didn't want to run into Akira, meaning he didn't want to see him, not now, possibly not ever. Shindou was going to be thrilled when Akira appeared on his front steps.
What madness had caused him to kiss Shindou last night? It wasn't the alcohol, that merely weakened his usually all-powerful inhibitions. He suspected it had to do with go.
Of all the professional players, save perhaps his father, Shindou was only one to care for go the way Akira did. Everyone else wanted to improve, to be the best, to advance in standing, to be recognized by others and the press, to capture or hold on to a title, to push themselves to the limits of their ability.
Shindou played to win, but only because that was the nature of the game, and it was only with both players striving for that goal, that the game could manifest its innate beauty and completeness. A truly involved game to Akira was akin to a Buddhist mantra, a path to transcendence. And he was never as close to nirvana as when he played his eternal rival. Of course, he'd built his world around him.
So where the hell had all this physical lust come from?
Akira was no closer to an answer when he approached the Shindou residence. At which point his nerve almost gave out. What had he been thinking, coming where he was certainly unwelcome and making an ass of himself? He rationalized that it was completely in keeping with his behavior of the past twenty-four hours. Why stop when he was on a roll?
Still amazed by his own recklessness, he rang the bell. A middle aged housewife answered. Akira guessed it was Shindou's mother.
"Yes?" she gave his a pleasant if somewhat blank look.
"Sorry to bother you, but I've come to see Shindou." he gulped.
"Oh, well I'm afraid you missed him." She apologized, "He went to visit a shrine."
"A shrine?" Akira repeated. Well of course, what else do you do when your rival makes advances on you? He wondered if Shindou's actions even made sense to himself.
"Or, was it a temple?" Shindou's mother asked. "Wait just one second, he made me write it down."
She returned a moment later with a sheet of paper in hand.
"It was the Honmyo temple, in Sugamo. I'll just give this to you, it has directions to get there."
"Shindou had you write down directions?" asked Akira, entirely dumbfounded now.
"Yes, I thought it was odd, too." she nodded in an absent manner, "But to be truthful, I understand next to nothing about his life, ever since he started playing go. There aren't any parenting advice books for mothers of go players. I know, I've looked."
She caught sight of Akira's clothing bag. He regretted not storing it in the train station lockers.
"Did you just come from the go tournament, too? If you want, you can leave your bag here. When you see Hikaru, could you remind him that I'll be at his grandfather's tonight? And his father's on a business trip, so he'll need to get his own dinner."
"Thank you." said Akira, placing his bag in the front entryway and studying the piece of paper. "Did Shindou say anything else?"
"Not that I remember." she replied, "He seemed a bit agitated. Or was that last week?"
Akira left the house utterly bewildered. Shindou must have meant for someone to follow him, and other than Touya and Fuku, no one knew he'd be home. Did Shindou want to talk to him some place where they wouldn't be overheard? In that case there had to be a shrine or temple or even playground closer to his house. Why send him all the way to Sugamo?
Unless, he thought as he entered the temple grounds, Shindou sent him here precisely because it was so far away. What a perfect way to keep Akira occupied and out of Shindou's hair. And he had fallen for it completely.
Honmyo-ji was a modest temple, with a single building, an easily maintainable zen rock garden and a small, crowded cemetery in back. It was peaceful and silent, for Tokyo. As he walked among the tall rectangular blocks that made up the cemetery, familiar black and white offerings at some of the tombstones caught his eye.
"Go stones?" he mused aloud, and read the inscription, Honinbo Dosaku. Next to it was Honinbo Jawa.
"Twenty of them, Shusai's the big one in the middle." came a familiar voice behind him. "You figure Kuwabara-sensei will end up here? Sorry, that's kind of morbid isn't it?"
"Shindou," The boy was sitting near a tombstone with a large number of white go stones artfully arranged about it.
He was smiling. Not his big, open no-worries smile. In fact it looked a bit melancholy, but it was better then the scowl Touya had been dreading.
"Course, I bet these guys have tombs all over Japan. Easier for the tourists, but I wonder if it's confusing for their ghosts?"
Touya said nothing. Shindou had meant for him to come, the thought gave him hope.
Shindou stood, his back to Akira. "It was after my first away go exposition that I lost a good friend." His hand absently stroked the tombstone.
"Did he . . . die?" ventured Akira.
"Umm, yeah," said Shindou. "It hurt a lot when I realized I'd never see him again. But what's worse is that I wasn't a very good friend towards the end. I was too wrapped up in myself to notice what was happening to him. I didn't like the things he was saying, so I stopped listening. Maybe I thought if I could just ignore the problems, they'd go away. But instead, he went away."
Shindou turned to Akira, his eyes had the same sadness as last night, when he lost the game.
"I made a big mistake back then. But I want to think I learned from it." He took a deep breath and in a determined voice continued, "Touya, I don't want to lose another friend because I failed to pay attention."
"Shindou," the words poured fourth from Akira, "I'm sorry, about last night. I shouldn't have - I never . . . I promise, I'll never do it again. I'll never . . ."
"Kiss me?"
Akira bowed his head and nodded, thankful and deeply embarrassed that it was Shindou who spoke the words first. Shindou sighed and ran his fingers through his blond streaks. It was all out in the open.
"I believe you, Touya. You have more self control than is good for you. But I need to know why you did it. I don't want to be forever wondering if you're secretly in love with me."
"You'd prefer that I was openly in love with you?" Akira was shocked by own his boldness. He hoped his eyes weren't bugging out like Shindou's.
Amazing how a deserted temple and a bit of honesty can lead a person to saying things he didn't even dare think. Unwanted sexual attraction could be embarrassing, even unacceptable. Unrequited love was that, plus so much more heartbreak. One look in Shindou's eyes made Akira certain he wasn't going to get a reciprocal confession of love.
There was a very pregnant pause.
"I know I don't want to lose your friendship, Touya. Beyond that, I hadn't given it much thought. I kind of knew that you liked me a bit more then just friends. But . . ."
Out with it, Shindou, Akira wanted to scream, is there a chance or not?
"Shindou," he tried to keep his voice calm, "how did you feel, when we kissed? Tell me?"
"How did I feel . . . Well, surprised, for starters."
"And then." It was like pulling teeth.
"And . . . I think surprised was pretty much it."
"Just surprised?"
"Well, maybe a bit shocked. But mostly just surprised."
It was Akira's turn to grab at his hair. "You mean to tell me, that after a year of fantasizing about it, I finally have the bad judgment of kissing you, and all you felt was surprised?"
"Well, it was unexpected." replied Shindou defensively, "And short too. I mean, it was at most three seconds. And it took me at least half that time to realize what was going on. Geez, what do you want me to say?"
"Something that let me know where I stand with you. Anything from 'It grossed me out beyond comprehension' to 'not as bad as kissing my aunt.' Okay, let's put things in more simple terms. Guys or girls, which are you interested in?"
"Um . . ." Akira cursed himself for having the misfortune of falling for someone that had to think about this one. "I've never found girls all that interesting, so few of them even know how to play go, much less are good at it. But, with guys, I mean not what's supposed to happen, biologically-wise at least."
"Yes, Shindou, biologically wise it's not that productive," Akira decided
not to get side-tracked on such evolutionary peculiarities as the dung beetle,
"But it does happen, I can assure you."
"Does that mean that you're interested in-"
"Guys, Shindou. Yes."
"Oh." Another pregnant pause.
During which, a fully self serving, but potentially necessary, request formulated in Akira's mind. At some point, he rationalized, Shindou would want the companionship that came with a relationship. Why not help him narrow his search by fifty percent now.
"If you're not sure," said Akira noncommittally, "We could try an experiment."
"Like?" was Shindou's guarded reply.
"We could try another kiss. Only a kiss. You don't like it, we never speak of it again and I try to become infatuated with someone else." And if you do like it, but Akira couldn't entertain such desires now.
"You know," said Shindou after a moment of what looked like deep consideration, "that's not such a bad idea. Okay, what do I do?"
"Just stand there." Please don't let my smile look wolfish.
Akira walked toward him and stopped mere inches away. He placed his hands on Shindou's shoulders, feeling the tenseness in his muscles. Making no sudden moves, Akira leaned forward and down.
"Uh, Shindou?"
"Yes, Touya?"
"Close your eyes."
"Oh, right. Sorry."
Take two, thought Akira. He tilted his head slightly and their lips touched. Akira pressed ever so gently, his lips puckering to form the kiss. It was distinctly unlike any of his fantasies. It could be only one kiss, after all, and Shindou was absolutely motionless. The kiss ended and Akira pulled back. Just before their lips parted, Akira felt the slightest of trembles, almost as if . . .
"Have you kissed anyone before?" asked Shindou.
"A few people," he admitted.
"Guys?"
"Mostly." They were messy and awkward and led to more messiness and awkwardness. It wasn't that Akira regretted them, but he didn't want to relate the particulars of his short and potentially embarrassing love life to Shindou at this moment.
"Mostly?" Shindou continued to press, "And how many is a few?"
Akira removed his hands from Shindou's shoulders. It was either that or strangle the boy.
"Shindou, that's not important right now. Tell me what you felt, just now."
"Okay, I guess," Shindou shrugged, "I wasn't totally grossed out, and it wasn't like kissing my aunt."
Not the most encouraging reply, but Akira pushed on. He needed to know for sure.
"Did it feel odd, kissing a guy?"
"It did feel odd," said Shindou tentatively. "It certainly didn't feel natural. Do actors need to practice, because when they kiss in the movies it all looks so spontaneous. And they kiss for longer -"
"All right already," Akira didn't need to hear anymore. His promise to Shindou still held, but just now Akira wasn't feeling terribly friendly. Best to leave before he lashed out. "Sorry to have bothered you, Shindou. I'll see you later."
He wanted to get away, far away from this person he was so similar to, that he understood so well, and yet was probably disgusted by his very nature. Akira started for the street. His clothing was at Shindou's, but he'd pick it up later. He just wanted to get home, to his room, and never come out, ever again.
"Touya, wait." said Shindou and grabbed his hand. "Don't leave, Touya. I'm sorry."
"There's nothing to feel sorry for, Shindou. You listened, better then I had any right to expect. Don't worry, I won't bother you with this again."
He tried to pull away, but Shindou's grip was unexpectedly strong. Fine, thought Touya, but I'm not going to turn around.
"Why won't you ever wait? Why don't you . . . " Shindou's hand loosened, his calloused fingers scraping against Akira's skin as they broke contact. "It's going to be like before."
"Before?" Akira could hear the change in Shindou's voice. It sounded . . . resigned. He doubted the boy would try to stop him from leaving now.
"After you found me in the internet cafe. You wanted me to play you then, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't strong enough yet. And instead of waiting, you made me chase after you. It took me two years to catch up."
"We won't stop playing go over this, Shindou."
"It's not just go. You're always ahead of me. I barely discover something and you're already an expert. It's not like I'm jealous of you or anything. But at least with go, I had people to practice with."
Though it was an odd speech, its meaning was clear in Akira's mind. He wondered if it was impossible to truly understand another human, or if Shindou was just particularly obtuse.
"That was your first real kiss, wasn't it, Shindou?"
It sounded ridiculous to his own ears. But Shindou didn't contradict. Turning around, he saw that the boy was blushing.
"But, you're nearly eighteen." Red. "What about Fujisaki-san?" Redder. "Or last night, Uwezama couldn't keep her hands off you?" Bright red. "Aren't I supposed to be the social introvert?"
"Well, I'm sorry for not having more time on my hands." Shindou finally blurted out. He could only be pushed so far. It was a trait that Akira was both frustrated by and envious of. "Keeping up with you in go takes a lot of time. When I'm not studying or practicing, I have all those professional commitments. And my mother still expects me to help out with the housework, you know. I wouldn't have even let you kiss me if I'd known what you intended."
"And the second time?" Akira tried to keep the grin from his face.
"You said that was an experiment!"
Shindou's hands were balled fists and his shoulders were tight. He was angry, and Akira was glad for it. He was used to dealing with an angry Shindou Hikaru. Not always gracefully, but they always got back to normal footing with each other eventually.
"Okay, Shindou, I'll wait for you."
"No, it's not okay, you . . ." Akira imagined he could actually see Shindou's thought process derail. "You'll wait?" Akira nodded. "You'll really wait for me to to decide what I want? It might take a while.""I'll give you at least two years." If he was Waya, he might have tousled the spiky hair. Oh, what the hell. Shindou's hair was surprizingly soft, no wonder Uzemawa couldn't keep her hands off it.
"Hey." said Shindou as he ducked away from Akira. When he looked back, the big open smile was firmly in place. The tension Akira hadn't realized he'd been carrying suddenly dissipated. Things were going to be okay between the two of them.
"So," Shindou continued, "did you come straight from the exposition?"
"Yes, I left my bag at your house."
"Oh, well then you have to come by my place anyway. Want me to ask my mom if you can stay for dinner?"
"Your mother told me to tell you that she's staying at your grandfather's tonight and you're in charge of getting you own dinner."
"All right! All the more reason for you to come over. We can order in. Isn't it great how these things work out? And this way we can stay up as late as we want to playing go. Well, maybe not too late, I didn't get much sleep last night, what with . . . and you wouldn't believe how loud Fuku snores."
Akira half listened as he followed Shindou out of the temple grounds. Things did work out well, if not at all the way he expected. As always, Shindou had surprised him, confused him, disappointed him, confounded him, delighted him, and left him wanting more. Akira could wait. He suspected he would even enjoy being just friends. Just please, he wished silently, don't let him actually take two years.
the end * * * authors notes:Hey there, thanks so much for reading my fic. Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I liked writing it.
For purposes of this fic, I made Fuku a new pro, I have no idea what happens to him in the real Hikaru No Go universe.
Hiroshima okonomiyaki is different then standard (Osaka) okonomiyaki, kind of like New York Style verses Chicago Style pizza. And the rule when you're out drinking is never pour you own drinks, it's like admitting you're an alchololic.
I couldn't find any photos of Honmyo-ji, so I'm not sure if my description
is anywhere near to accurate. If anyone's visited it, let me know and
I'll rewrite the description. Note, there's a more famous Honmyo in Kumamoto
in Kyushu.
I read about the evolutionary peculiarities of the dung beetle in David
Quammen's The Flight of the Iguana. It's in the chapter Nasty Habits
(I think).
This story, especially the last bit, was inspired by lots of other people's Hikago writings, mainly the numerous confession stories. I always find that to be the best part of the romance story, and thus, I love to draw it out for as long as possible. Hope you weren't too disappointed that they didn't fall into each other's arms at the end. Originally, I was going to work in a platonic hug or something, but Hikaru's a stubborn guy, and he refused to be rushed into anything.
This is the end of the fanfic. I thought of some other scenes, but really, this is the strongest one to finish it on. Also, I'm not sure if I really want to go on to develop a romance between Akira and Hikaru. I love the ambiguousness of the series, it's great for people's imaginations, and I wanted to keep my story open-ended as well.
Thanks so much for all the great feedback.