TITLE: Escaping for Dummies
GENRE: humour/parody
PAIRING: none.
RATING: T
PLOT: Ace shows that the best prison in the world is just another piece of crap.

[A/N]: I do not own One Piece, or this is most likely what would have happened. This is just a one-shot I came up with, rate and review please! And English Is not my first language, so I apologise for mistakes in the spelling or grammar.

"So I am sitting there, in a cell several miles under the ocean... and it's so incredibly boring that I'm thinking. And reading this log I snagged from some random guard. It held a lot of information on Impel Down security and as I got nothing to do, I have been crafting an escape plan. Because I got too much time to think and I actually want to live to see who will be the next Pirate King. Screw the my-biological-father-was-a-dick-so-I-must-die-logic.

Anyway, I'm chained to the wall and the damn chains rattle each time I turn a page. I've been placed in a different cell because I nearly roasted this fish man, Jimmy. He didn't like my nickname.

They forgot I'm a Devil Fruit user, the retards, and I'm cuffed like an ordinary criminal. After the guards bring me my evening gloop – that wasn't food, I don't even think the moving sludge was edible - I break them as easily as I'd break a window.

I turn my whole body to fire and am outside of the cell in seconds, stretching my sore muscles. I heard that all floors are interconnected, so all I got to do is jump my way up, as I'm not particularly weak. The contrary, in fact.

...or I could take the elevator. Yes, let's take the elevator just to mess with them. With that in mind, I make my way through the deserted hallways, guards long gone, until I find this big-ass elevator. I smirk at myself, casually strolling towards the side where you type in a code for the doors to open. Now, I usually don't apply common sense, BUT...as marines are all moronic by default, I tap the first that comes to mind. 1-2-3-4.

The doors slide open smoothly and I let out a disbelieving laugh as I step into the elevator, a lone guard startled by my appearance. Yeah, I must look like shit.

After I knock the daylights out of him, I put on his guard uniform, or at least the jacket. My other clothes are fine. Of course, I check the nametag and level he's assigned to.
John Doe, level one. Okay, so then why was he here and wearing an obscene amount of lip-gloss all over his face? Oh well, not my problem.

Once 'we' arrive at level 1, I drag the guy out and shove him against the nearest wall. I turn around to find a red-coloured forest with purplish-yellow insects running about. Spiders are insects, right? No? Whatever.

I walk through the forest, burning right through the weird plants that smell strongly of blood - Yuck, that can't be sanitary - and I find my way to a set of double doors, where a bunch of crying pansies are banging against.

"Let us out!" Oh, so THERE'S the exit. Lovely. I think as I stroll towards them and inspect the heavy pieces of probably-including-kairoseki-metal while whistling a merry tune.

"Okay, really? Luffy could make stronger doors than these, being made out of metal and everything." I say, gesturing rudely at the nearest visual Den-Den mushi. Alarms start blearing and I roll my eyes in exasperation, stuffing my hands in my pockets and taking a few steps away from the doors, which burst open to show a group of guards.

"ACK! IT'S FIRE FIST ACE!" One points at me, horrified. I mimic the gesture and panicked tone as I point somewhere behind him.
"ACK! IT'S YOUR MOTHER!" As one, the marine-wannabes turn around and I grin, jumping across the group with ease.

I laugh loudly as I make a beeline to the nearest ship, stepping on and kicking people into the water left and right until I find the captain on the bridge. I grab a fallen gun from the floor and point it at him.
"Tell them to open the gates or I'll shoot you and burn down the gates." I deadpan and he nods so quickly I'd be worried for his neck if I cared.

Then we're moving, the man talking into a speaker softly and hurriedly, before holding his hand over it. "E-Er, sir? They refuse to open the gates."

I nod sagely, cracking my knuckles. "Fine, you have smaller ships around?" He points me towards the rescue boats, all made of metal and including an engine. "Okay, thanks!" I call over my shoulder. A navy captain like Smokey I suppose: not as dumb as most and able to see when he lost the fight.

Cutting the ropes swiftly, I drop into the water along with the boat, grinning like a loon as I rev the engine, my new mode of transport racing towards the Gates of Justice.

This, people, is how you break out of prison. I don't need saving. As I prepare to burn the roadblock to freedom to a crisp, they slide open for me.
What?

Boa Hancock?
What's SHE doing here? As my small tub skids across the water past the enormous navy ship, she looks over the railing, eyes going wide as plates. Our eyes meet, and I wink at her before I'm through the gates and into the calm belt, expertly manoeuvring between the Sea Kings circling the area, moving out of sight to the north in order to make my way back to the Grand Line and my crew.

I laugh again. Those idiots were probably heading for Marineford, so I'd be on my way there as well.
This, people, I repeat, is how you break out of the most guarded prison this side of the seas.

Two days later found me in the middle of the Ocean, calmly sailing towards the explosions in the distance, huge blue pillars of fire lighting up the sky. I grin before I start to sing, knowing Marco will be on the shore, along with the rest of my family. With Luffy, I hope.

"What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
Early in the morning!"

Put 'm in a bed with the captain's daughter,
Put 'm in a bed with the captain's daughter,
Put 'm in a bed with the captain's daughter!
Early in the morning!

Hey hey and up she rises!
Hey hey and up she rises!
Hey hey and up she rises!
Early in the morning!"

By now, I'd got the attention of several marines, but as I was on a navy boat, nobody paid me a lot of attention. I've bandaged most of my wounds so I might as well join in and laugh at their faces.

Still humming, I step off the boat and walk towards the fight, getting rid of the itchy marine jacket as I do. The dropped jaws all around are amusing, so I stop humming to laugh at them.

Seeing them about to piss their pants, I stalk up to one predatorily, getting in his face with a devilish grin and dramatic pause. "Boo."
Shouts and girly screams ensue.

"IT'S FIRE FIST ACE!"
"HE'S HERE!"
"REINFORCEMENTS TO THE SOUTH!"
"MOMMA!" I look up weirdly at the last one before shrugging. Unless they get me a good opponent, I'm not attacking.

"So there you are." I grin from under my hat, seizing up the newest player on my field. Garp. My face contorts to one of horror before I carefully school it into nonchalance. "Oh hey gramps, good to see you again. How are your men doing?" With him distracted as he goes off on a tangent about his amazing crew blah, blah, blah, I run as fast as my malnourished legs allow me 'till I find pops, joining the fray. "Hey pops, we can leave now, 'cause I'm hungry as hell."

Laughter and a yell to retreat later, I'm back on the ship with my disbelieving crew. "Yo." I wave with a smug grin. "Guess Impel Down couldn't handle my level of awesomeness."

...And that's how I got a royal ass-kicking from an entire group of worried commanders." Ace concluded, bandaged from head to toe as he retells his story to a dumbfounded Luffy with a giant grin on his freckled face.

A beat passes. "SUGOI!

Yep, all was good now.

[A/N]: So, what do you think? If you feel inspired *laughs*, feel free to do with it as you want, just tell me or something, m'kay?