Author's Note: This episode is so ridiculous that I couldn't find a version of it that was both rational and at all true to the episode. With that in mind, I just went for silly. Hopefully, following chapters will be more serious.
Jack: Nice planet. Also, nice dogs that are about to eat that kid.
[Jack fires gun in the air, dogs run]
Mongol Kid: Thank you for saving me! Sadly, you have a woman with you and I must now show my primitive misogyny by not looking at her!
[Three guys ride up on horses with swords and bows]
Mongol Leader: You have a woman with you! We keel you!
Mongol Kid: No, father, they saved me from the dogs that have not been and never will be explained for the remainder of the episode!
Jack: Oooohkay. Here's a thought: you put those pointy-stick launchers down or I shoot you.
Mongol Leader: Oh, you saved my kid? Great, come back to my misogynistic village and I will feed you!
Daniel: Oh, how fascinating! Look at their clothes and headdresses, they look like...oh my, these obviously-Mongol people might be transplanted Mongols who have had no lifestyle changes or technological development in the last eight hundred years, despite there being no evidence of Goa'uld on the planet to keep their technology suppressed!
Sam: Nice infodump, Daniel.
Daniel: Thanks, I practice. We totally need to go with these people!
Sam: Remind me...isn't the mission of the SGC to obtain technology and allies that would be useful against the Goa'uld? A bunch of misogynistic horse-jockeys have nothing to offer us, and my presence is likely to cause problems. We should just go home and try a different world.
Jack: Sounds smart to me.
[Team leaves, episode ends]
Wait, that was smart but not exciting. Let's try a different parallel world...
Daniel: Thanks, I practice. We totally need to go with these people!
Sam: Remind me...isn't the mission of the SGC to obtain technology and allies that would be useful against the Goa'uld? A bunch of misogynistic horse-jockeys have nothing to offer us, and my presence is likely to cause problems. We should just go home and try a different world.
Daniel: But Jaaack!
Jack: [sighs] Fine. Carter, you go back through the gate and notify them of what's going on. We'll make it a sausage party so Mongol-boy doesn't get his goat-hair panties in a wad.
[Carter returns through gate, the boys talk to the horse-jockeys and discover they have nothing of use, episode ends]
Wait, that still wasn't exciting. Damn, okay, trying again.
Daniel: Thanks, I practice. We totally need to go with these people!
[They go with them]
Mongol Leader: Okay, the chick has to go get gussied up while us men have a party.
Sam: Excuse me?!
Daniel and Jack: Roll with it.
Sam: Grrr... Fine.
~Five minutes later, they come back and see Sam in her Pretty Princess dress~
Daniel: Gawaaaaa... [drools]
Jack: Gawaaaaa... [drools]
Teal'c: I am curious, Captain Carter; where did such a primitive tribe acquire silks with machine stitching and a fancy headress? Also, why would they have such things and give them to a stranger when their own women do not dress so well?
Sam: Excellent questions, Teal'c.
[Carter goes to hen party, guys to stag party]
Mongol Kid: Haha, I capture you, pretty stranger lady! I will take you to the tribe of my tribe's enemy who is well known for being murderously vicious and I will sell you to him in exchange for my girlfriend!
Sam: [beats him senseless, returns to group]
Sam: Can we please get out of here now before I have to shoot someone? Possibly one of you three if you don't stop staring at my boobs in this stupid Pretty Princess dress?!
Jack: Sounds good. Just...could you maybe wear the Pretty Princess dress occasionally? You know, for special occasions?
Sam: [shoots Jack]
[Team goes back through gate, episode ends]
It has come to the attention of Management that people would like us to stop shutting down the action of the episode. Fine. Here:
Mongol Kid: Haha, I capture you pretty stranger lady! I will take you to the tribe of my tribe's enemy who is well known for being murderously vicious and I will sell you to him in exchange for my girlfriend!
Sam: Oh no! I hope some big strong man will come save me, since I have completely forgotten that I am a trained soldier!
Vicious Mongol Leader: Grr! I will buy her from you! What do you want?
Mongol Kid: Your daughter!
VML: No! Take this gold!
Mongol Kid: Okay! [leaves]
VML: I will now imply nasty rapey things and hold a knife at your throat!
Jack: Hey, man, we want our friend back. You've got five seconds to hand her over or I shoot you.
Daniel: Jack, you can't shoot these people!
[Jack frowns, checks that his gun is loaded]
Jack: Pretty sure I can.
Daniel: Hang on, I'll deal with this. Mr. Vicious Mongol Leader sir, we'd like to buy our friend back. She's very special...a shaman. And a wise woman. And, uh, a chieftain! Yeah, that sounds good.
VML: No!
Jack: [shoots him]
Management: No, no, no. Cut it out, Jack! The readers want to see the episode's storyline actually happen!
Jack [facing fourth wall]: You're kidding, right? This is ridiculous. Why can't I shoot him?
Management: Because if you do then Sam doesn't get to have her big dramatic punch-up knife-fight where she gets to show how badass she is so that you start respecting her and the team can bond.
Jack: [sighs] Fine. Hey, Vicious Mongol Leader, how about this: I'll give you a gun for her. [aims gun, fires, breaks glass lamp]
Vicious Mongol Leader: Holy crap, dude, do you have any idea how expensive that thing was?! We're a nomadic tribe of steppes-dwellers, we don't have glass furnaces! Also, what's so impressive about a little noisemaker that breaks glass?
Management: Ahem!
Vicious Mongol Leader: [sighs] Fine. Ungh! Yes, strange-warrior-guy, me sell girl for funny bang-bang magic doohickey! Ungh!
Management: You don't have to be sarcastic.
Teal'c: Colonel O'Neill, you are not seriously considering giving a loaded firearm to a primitive with no concept of trigger discipline or firearm safety, are you? He is very likely to shoot us, either accidentally or on purpose.
Jack: Oh, yeah. Um. Good point. Okay...Sam, hang in there for a bit while we go back and talk to Mongol Kid's tribe.
[Team rides back to Mongol Kid's tribe]
Daniel: Hey, Mongol Leader, isn't there some highly convenient obscure law that will allow us to get Sam back?
Mongol Leader: Well...there could be a trial by combat between chiefs. Despite the fact that I am the only chief I'm aware of in this group and that I am old and crippled and know perfectly well that this is a fight to the death, I will volunteer.
[They make the challenge]
Vicious Mongol Leader: Pah! I will not fight a cripple!
Sam: Then fight me! Here's your chance to shut me up! And don't worry, despite the fact that I am a ridiculously smart woman, it will never dawn on me to ask if this is a fist-fight or a knife-fight, nor will it occur to me that it is almost certainly to the death. Put 'em up! [adopts an embarrassingly poor boxing stance]
Vicious Mongol Leader: Ha-ha, this is a knife-fight, and it's to the death! [draws knife, attacks]
Sam: [dodges for a bit to make him feel good, then plants him in the ground and jacks him up with her knife]
Vicious Mongol Leader: Grr, argh!
Sam: Woohoo! Air Force Captains rule, Mongols drool! Say it!
Vicious Mongol Leader: Never!
Sam: Say it!
Vicious Mongol Leader: Grr. Fine. "Your kung fu is better than mine."
Mongol Leader: Wow! That was so impressive that my tribe is going to stop being misogynistic!
[Team leaves, episode ends]