Panda-monium
Summary: The chaos and confusion carried by the Jusenkyo curses will shatter any sense of order. Or in which Light tries to murder an endangered species and L finally eats his vegetables.
Since acquiring the Death Note, Light's life had been perfect.
By day he was the perfect son, loving big brother and model student. He successfully avoided the ridiculous 'teenage rebellion' phase and had entered adulthood with a past of straight A's, leadership roles and countless recommendations. He groomed himself into a person that his parents would be proud of, one that was respect and at times envied by his peers. The type of person that everyone wished that they were and wanted.
But behind locked doors, that perfectly boring mask fell away to reveal an all-powerful being. With a flick of a pen and a face in his mind, Light would cleanse the world of low-life scum. As the son of a police officer, he knew the importance of justice. The good will always prevail and the wicked will be punished yet because of the flawed imperfect system, many criminals fell through the cracks, evading their desserts. But no more. With the supernatural power of the Death Note, Light would act as the judge, jury and executioner. He would carry out righteous judgement to create a utopia for those pure of heart.
Light was Kira and Kira was Justice.
Like any other ruler, Light had to have a jester. A fool that would keep him amused and entertained. His was not an entertainer dressed in bright colors and ridiculous costumes. No, his jester was a letter. The twelfth letter of the alphabet to be exact. L, the so-called greatest detective in the world, was led on like a blind man at Light's hands. While there were times when his anonymous adversary outsmarted-no, tricked, him (the Lind L. Tailor was a cunning move and a sharp blow to his pride) Light was still in charge. There were unknowns when concerning L, as much as Light hated to admit, but that was what made it exciting. After all, what joy was there in winning the world if there was no one to oppose him? It was a tale he had already seen an end to, just watching the plot unfold at his leisure.
But what Light failed to remember was that he was not the author. A new twist was coming his way.
{~~~}
"And now some words of encouragement from our freshman representative: Yagami Raito and Da Pan."
The entire To-Oh Entrance Ceremony was put on hold as they waited for the second representative to make his appearance.
Though Light remained perfectly composed as he stood at the podium through the awkward silence, he was mentally seething. That other student had scored perfectly just like him yet he failed to arrive on time or, as some cruel joke, had decided to wait in the audience and stand when he felt like it. The other student was to be his only intellectual peer, someone who could challenge him, a rival who would push him to his limits and make his boring day life seem interesting (given that the test results were not a fluke). But where was he? Light was thoroughly irritated, doing his best to endure the other student's tardiness.
And seriously, what name was Da Pan? It was more suited for street thug rather than an intellectual student. With a name like that Da Pan should have taken a pseudonym or have picked a better one if it were fake. There were many names to choose from, even taking a celebrities like 'Ryuuga Hideki' would be more appropriate than something that sounded like 'the pan' in English.
Then the doors to the hall flung open and in the doorway stood a large burly figure… in black and white fur… with small round ears… gnawing on a stick of bamboo…
Gears whirled in Light's head. 'Da Pan' in western order is 'Pan Da' which is English for…
I'm as smart as a fucking panda bear?!
The panda named 'Pan Da' tottered up to stage while everyone watched in shock, even Light could not stop himself from gaping like a fool. He quickly composed himself as Pan Da the panda joined him on stage. This had to be the most humiliating moment of his life. His genius, the mind that he prided himself for, was no better than an animal's. How could a panda get into university? Why would a panda even go to university?
Ryuk found the entire situation hilarious, of course. Rolling in the pulpit with insane laughter, invisible to everyone except Light. First he would skin that damn bear alive then choke the laughing Shinigami with the pelt, WWF and their mascot be damned.
Light sent a sideways to the announcers, hoping that this was nothing more than an elaborate prank, maybe a tradition to have an endangered animal share the stage with the top-scoring student, but they were as lost for words as he was.
He hid his scowl in a smile as he presented his portion of the speech, restarting the ceremony. There were whispers in the crowd since Da Pan made his appearance. Light quickly tuned them out with years of experience not only because they were annoying and unnecessary but to lessen the wound on his pride.
Despite apparently possessing the intellect of a human, Da Pan lack any etiquette. All throughout his speech, the bear munched loudly on the sugar glazed bamboo, raking on Light's nerves to no end. When it was the animal's turn, Da Pan pulled out a wooden sign and a permanent marker from…somewhere... and started grunting and groffing while he continuously flipped the sign with the Japanese translation of Pandanese.
So now the panda was a magician too.
With the speech finally over, Light hurried back to his seat as calmly as one could with a bear tailing him. Several people moved out of the way as Da Pan plonked himself next to Light, still chewing bamboo. In his other paw, between two claws, was a wooden sign asking: Can you keep a secret?
Several other students had lost interest in the ceremony and were instead trying to puzzle out who the panda was referring to or why a panda was here and not in China or a zoo. Light somehow knew that the bear was questioning him from the panda's constant and discreet poking to his side. He gave a slight, almost unnoticeable, nod to the bear and a small piece of paper was slipped onto his lap.
Light carefully unfolded Da Pan's response. Was this the moment hidden cameras jumped out and proclaimed this was all a set up? Or maybe the human Da Pan was standing in for would appear? He would have definitely noticed a panda in the exam room. But written on the small slip in what appeared to be chocolate frosting was the phrase he had been least expecting:
I am L.
Wide-eyed, Light turned to face Da Pan, or L as he claimed to be. The bear's eyes had narrowed as he leaned into the human, a claw pressed to his lips to subtly signal secrecy…
…Or as subtle as a crouching panda on a creaking chair in a human university could be.
{~~~}
Da Pan.
Pan Da.
Panda.
Panda.
Panda.
Panda.
Panda.
パンダ.
Panda.
Panda.
Panda.
Panda.
Pandapandapandapandapandapandapandapanda.
PANDA
Panda.
"Hyuk hyuk. I think you've just executed an entire species, Light." Ryuk chuckled as the human madly scribbled the word into the Death Note repeatedly.
Gone were the neat rows of criminals. In their steed was a mass collection of the word 'panda' in a chaotic scrawl across the pages. At the rate he was going, Light would be the first person to use up the endless pages of the notebook with already hundreds of pages filled with the single word.
"Hey Light, you do know that the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result…" Another page had been covered with the illegible squiggles and a fresh white page became Kira's next victim. Ryuk couldn't believe it but he could feel fear rolling off from the Death Note. Apparently, it had grown sick of that word as well. Too bad neither man nor book could do anything.
"…and the Death Note only works on humans."
DIE. PANDA-L. DIE!
{~~~}
Watari sighed as he watched the cursed detective slave away behind his numerous computer screens.
"Ryuuzaki, you do know that the human brain needs rest to function at full capacity."
One splash of cold water later, the world's greatest detective no longer had a human brain. "Groff." The panda detective grunted, munching on another stick of bamboo, this one filled with banana cream and chocolate.
Weren't Jusenkyo victims supposed to despise their curse and to anything in their power to cure it? But then again, L was never a member of the majority.
At least he was eating healthier now.