"You will lose someone you can't live without and your heart will be badly broken and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly - that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp."

Anne Lamott

She needed it.

It had been a full day without a hit and she couldn't stand it. She needed it so badly that she couldn't think straight. Slowly, she rose from her bed for the first time since she'd overdosed. Her legs felt weak, but not weak enough to stop her from being able to walk.

She hobbled towards the door, blacking out for a few seconds as she started walking only to have her sight fade back in when she reached the doorway. She left her room and then entered the bathroom.

She looked up at her reflection and shook her head. She was pale and the make-up she'd had on her eyes was smeared. Her eyes were bloodshot and red and her hair was messy and knotted. Gulping, she turned on the water and splashed some into her face, washing off the make-up and also using the cold water to wake herself up.

She took in a deep, shaky breath and left the bathroom, walking down the hallway and into the living room. It looked a lot cleaner then she remembered leaving it.

Voight and Jay were standing in her kitchen.

"Hey…" Jay said, moving towards her. He pulled out a chair for her, "Sit down, sit down, you shouldn't be up."

Erin didn't say anything, just tried her hardest to sit still so they wouldn't be able to see how badly she needed a hit.

Voight leaned over her kitchen counter, a cup of coffee in his hands, "How're you feeling, kid?"

Erin stared back at him, trying to think of a sarcastic response, but coming up empty, "Fine." She finally answered shortly, avoiding his eye contact and looking down at her hands. Her nails were short and she remembered that nail-biting was terrible habit she acquired whenever she was itching for a hit.

It was quiet for a moment.

"Do you feel like talking about it yet?" Voight asked, "Because eventually, we're gonna talk about this, maybe not today, but eventually."

Erin shrugged and took in a breath, "I guess now is a good a time as any." She said unenthusiastically, "But I don't know what you want me to talk about. You already know why, how, when, where. You know everything."

"You and I both know that isn't true." Voight replied, "Erin, in the last four months, you haven't had a conversation with me that lasted more than fifteen minutes. That isn't communicating. Sure, I've heard about you, I know what's going on or I've speculated, but I want to hear it from you. I want you to tell me what you're feeling."

Erin looked up at the ceiling, "I don't have to." She said, her leg bouncing up and down in anxiety as her hunger for the drugs increased.

Voight nodded slowly, "That's right, you don't have to." He confirmed, "But don't you want to? Don't you want to get that stuff on your chest? You're taking it in alone, kid. That's dangerous."

Erin shook her head and lifted her hand to her mouth, biting her nails nervously as she scanned the kitchen, trying to see if the bottle she'd had was still in the apartment somewhere. She didn't see it anywhere.

"This one thing shouldn't be your downfall, Erin. I've known plenty of cops, ones who've lost people like you have: partners, wives, husbands, children…and they all struggled and some came out on the other side and some never recovered. They lost it…ended up in a place similar to yours. And you know what happens after you push everyone away and you're finally left alone? You can never get back. No one believes in you anymore because you forced them to give up on you." Voight told her, "The fact that we're here right now is because we haven't given up on you. And you can't force us to."

Erin shook her head, "I don't want your help."

"But you need it."

"I don't need anything."

"You need a hit." Voight said suddenly, catching her attention, causing her to look up, "You do, don't you? You're biting your nails, look like a nervous wreck…" He shook his head, "I know you do…but the drugs aren't going to help you."

Erin stood up, "What do you know? You've never had this." She said, "Yea, maybe you've lost people, but the furthest you've fallen is nowhere near the rock bottom I'm at right now. You don't understand it." She shook her head, "You never did."

"But I still helped you." Voight answered, "There's no denying that. I helped you the first time so I can help you this time too."

"This time it's different."

"How?!" Voight asked, his voice raising, "How is different this time? You're still pushing me away, you're still depressed and lost and lonely. Maybe the cause is different and the age, but what is happening, it's all the same." He said, "I guess old habits die hard."

Erin glared back at him, "Real classy, bring up my past…make me feel like I've gone nowhere, interesting tactic." She said sarcastically, "Maybe these aren't habits, ever thought of that?! Maybe this is just who I am. Maybe this was always my life!"

"Why are you acting like you've given up?!" Voight asked, "Are you really that hopeless that you can't even find it in yourself to realize that it's still possible to come back from this?"

"It's not possible!" Erin shouted at him, "I'm not your kid and you aren't my dad. It isn't your responsibility to look after me. I never wanted that!" She yelled, "Why can't you just leave me alone?!"

Voight glared at her, "Because you're throwing your life away!" He yelled, "Listen to me, don't talk, listen." He said, shushing her, "You're falling apart, you're losing your mind and the only person you have to blame is yourself and you know it."

"Voight." Jay said, cutting in, feeling the tension between them growing out of proportion.

But he didn't stop.

He walked over so that he was standing in front of her.

He took in a deep breath, "And we are trying so hard to help you, but you're making us regret it. Your mom was having a tough time when she started using and look how she turned out. You're becoming her. Fast. And by the time you realize that isn't who you want to be, we're not gonna be around to help you anymore." He said, "You have to be the one to give it up. Because I'm getting really tired of trying to get through to you! It's getting too hard! Nadia wouldn't like what you've become. Wherever she is, she's probably ashamed and angry about what you're doing to yourself! How can you shame her memory like that?! You're making everything about her part of the stupid, sad little sob story that you use to justify what you're doing!"

Erin pushed him backwards, "I'm not ruining her memory!"

"Yes, you are!"

Tears sprung to her eyes, "I-I…"

"You know it's true."

Erin shook her head, "I never meant to do that." She said, lowering her voice back to normal, "I…just missed her so much and the guilt and the sadness just piled up until I couldn't…take it anymore…" She said, the pain she was feeling audible in her voice. "I never meant to taint her memory."

"Talk to me." Voight tried.

Erin paused.

"You don't have to push me away." Voight said, "I've never been one whose judged you, okay? Just talk to me."

"I feel like it's my fault." She said suddenly, "I tried to save her and I ended up putting her in the situation that got her killed. That's what bothers me the most, the fact that I got her off the streets, the fact that I was the one who brought her into the unit, the fact that she was getting my cake when she…" She got a little bit choked up at that, "Every day, I think about how if I hadn't gotten involved, Nadia would still be alive and it's just…it's killing me."

Voight touched her arm.

But she pulled it out of his grasp, "And that's why I'm pushing you away. Because everyone I get close to ends up getting hurt. Nadia, Jay, you…I just keep letting you down over and over and over again. I'm a screw up and I just don't want you guys to believe in me anymore because…I'll just disappoint you." She told him, "That's one reason why I did what I did." She glanced back towards the couch where they'd found her, "Because I'm just a disappointment and me not being her anymore…it would just be one less screw up in the world."

"One reason?"

Erin shrugged, "The other reason I did it was because…I…was drowning in guilt. And the pain that I felt every day, from the moment I woke up to when I laid down to go to sleep, it was so intense and draining that I felt like anything had to be better than going through one more day of that. Anything else."

Voight nodded slowly.

Erin looked up at him, "And I'm not telling you this because you wanted me to. I'm telling you this because I'm hoping you'll finally understand and leave me alone. It's what I want." She said, "Can't you respect that?" A tear slipped down her cheek.

"Hey." Voight said, but she didn't look up, "Erin, look at me." She didn't, "Look at me." He tried again.

That time, she lifted her head and met his eyes, her own still swimming.

Voight nodded, looking down at her, "I'm going to tell you something and I want to be clear so that you'll believe me." He paused for a moment, holding her gaze, "Not once, in all the time I've known you, have I ever thought you were a screw up." He paused, "Never."

Erin shook her head and looked away.

"Look at me."

She looked up again.

"You know, there were times when I was mad and disappointed, but I always believed in you and I still do." Voight told her, "I raised you like you were my daughter. You're a part of my family. And I never give up on family. I'm not ashamed of you or what you've been doing. You should never feel like you're nothing. Because you'll always be something to me."

"And I'm not gonna leave you alone." Voight ended, "I'm not."

Erin took in a deep, shaky breath and blinked a few tears from her eyes as she tried to regain composure.

Voight touched her arm and this time she didn't pull away, "Give me a chance. We're a team, we're family and I want to help you through this. What do you say, kid?"

Erin took a long pause and then finally answered, "Okay." She didn't look up.

"Okay?"

Erin looked up at him, "Okay."

Voight smiled a little bit and pulled her into a hug, wrapping his arms around her and resting a hand on the back of her head, glad that she'd finally let him in. He would do everything he could to be the one she could trust. He was going to turn this around for her, he just knew it.

A few days went by uneventfully.

Erin spent most of the time in her apartment, sleeping or reading or watching movies.

Jay was in and out, going from work back to her apartment. He brought her food during his lunch break, but she rarely ate it. They didn't talk much either other than the courtesy hellos and goodbyes. It seemed like she was avoiding him, but he didn't question it.

He understood that she'd only opened up to Voight and he could accept that. He was her father-figure after all, who was he? Just a guy she'd known for the past couple years. They didn't have the same bond that she and Voight had, but their bond was still strong so he was hoping that if he supported her, she would open up to him too.

At the end of that week, when Jay's shift was about to end, Voight walked over to him. They were the only two left.

"Hey, so I signed Erin up for some therapy at this rehab center. They're gonna help her with the drugs and the…mental aspect of it too. I just thought you would want to know." Voight told him.

Jay nodded slowly, "That's great." He said, "Does she need someone to go with her?"

Voight nodded and looked down for a moment, "Yea, they actually encourage her to bring someone as support…" He paused, "But she actually asked Kelly Severide to be the one to go with her." He said, looking down at him.

Jay tilted his head, confused. Why would she ask Kelly? They'd broken up a long time ago and from what he knew, they hadn't had much contact after the break up. It didn't make sense that she would ask Kelly and not him, "Oh…" He replied.

Voight took in a deep breath, "Look, it's not personal, Jay. I think she's just confused and I know she appreciates you being around, even if she doesn't say it, alright?" He said, sounding unusually comforting.

"Yea, I guess…" He said, trying not to sound disappointed.

Voight sighed, "You should still come by. Some consistency would do her good." He gave a nod before starting to walk away, "See you tomorrow, Halstead."

"Yea, see ya." Jay said as he looked back down at his paperwork. He took in a deep breath and shook his head. He wasn't going to be able to focus. He got up from his desk and headed out.

For the rest of the week, he continued visiting her with the same results. She was detached and quiet and her health seemed to be deteriorating too, but he guessed that was probably the withdrawal. She looked pale and sickly, large bags under her eyes. Several times, he heard her dry heaving in the bathroom, but she never let him in to help her.

She didn't eat much either, but Voight insisted that she was eating later in the day once he got back so Jay didn't push her.

It almost looked like she had the flu. She was always shivering and glistening with sweat, but nothing could ever fix it. She was tired all the time and when she was awake, she had what looked to be painful headaches that she couldn't take any pain killers for.

She was suffering.

But he couldn't do anything about it.

The next week, Jay's visits became less frequent. He didn't feel like it matter. She didn't even care when he was there, half the time she didn't even notice. He felt like he was wasting his time and that maybe she didn't even want him around.

He was still around, just not as much.

He visited her for the second time that week after he finished his shift on Friday. There was no one there when he got there except for her, sitting at the kitchen counter, holding a glass of water. She looked up when the door opened.

He had a key.

"Hey Erin."

"Hi Jay."

He smiled a little bit and set some food up on the counter, "I brought you some pizza from that little pizza joint down the street." He started to unwrap it.

"Oh thanks, but I already ate."

Jay nodded slowly, but he didn't believe her, "What did you have?"

Erin nodded over to a pan sitting on the oven, "Omelet." She said, "You can check the dishes if you're really that paranoid about it." She said, a little bit of annoyance in her voice.

Jay shook his head, holding her eye contact, "No, I believe you." He said before walking back over to her fridge and putting the pizza inside. He turned back to her, "You look good." He said.

And she did.

Her eyes were a little clearer, she looked a lot more alert and aware, and he noticed that her face had regained some of its color. And her hair looked brushed and she didn't look as tired as she usually did.

She didn't reply to him.

But Jay pushed on, "How's the therapy going?" That was the first time he'd asked her that.

Erin looked up at him, "Fine." She answered blankly.

"Okay." Jay said with a small nod, "I'm guessing it's helping a lot. You look like you're really improving and I'm really glad." He smiled at her, "Before you know it, you'll be right back where you want to be."

Erin nodded slowly, "Thanks so much for the empty compliments and condescending comments. I'll make sure to take those to heart." She said sarcastically as she stood up and started to walk back towards her bedroom.

Jay looked down, sighing because he'd screwed up his chance again. He had no idea what he was doing wrong, why was this such an issue? He wasn't going to let her just walk away this time, "Erin, hold on." He said.

She stopped walking.

"What is your problem with me?" He asked as he walked over to her and faced her, "Ever since that night when I found you here…you haven't let me in arm's length of you. What changed? What can I do to fix it? Because I don't understand…"

Erin shook her head, "There's nothing wrong. I don't have a problem with you." She said blandly as she tried to walk away again.

But Jay stood in her way, "Then why did you pick Kelly over me?"

"What?"

Jay took in a breath, "Why did you pick Kelly over me to go to therapy with you?" He asked, shaking his head, "I'm your partner, one of your closest friends and you pick him? I don't get it."

"He went through the same thing with Shay, he understands it."

Jay shook his head, "He understands it just as much as I do. He lost someone like you, so have I, he fell off the rails like you, so have I, he hasn't done drugs or anything, neither have I. We're basically equal, but you chose him over me?"

Erin rolled her eyes, "Why do you care?!"

"Because I've been here the whole time trying to help you and you pick him to let in? I feel like you don't trust me. I feel like you don't appreciate or care about our friendship. I mean, I come here all the time and you basically ignore me. What happened to us?"

"People change."

Jay tilted his head, "Oh so you changed."

Erin avoided his eyes.

"You changed and forgot everything about us. You forgot how we used to hang out, you forgot all of the dinners and lunches we've had together, you forgot how we used to talk, you forgot how badass we were as partners and how great it was when we had a more than that. Did you forget how much I care about you? Because I reminded you every damn day when I came here, asking to help you even though you kept turning me down over and over and over again." Jay shook his head, "You can't forget that. Even if you did change."

"I don't have to justify my decisions to you." Erin said coldly, "So I chose Kelly, so what?"

Jay sighed, "So what?" He asked, hurt, "He wasn't here for you when you were at your worst. He wouldn't visit you every single day, hoping you'd let him help you." He shook his head, "I was here. Does that mean anything to you?"

Erin took in a deep breath, "It does." She said, softly.

"What?"

Erin paused for a few moments, looking down at the ground. Slowly, she lifted her eyes to meet his, "You coming here, it did mean something." She specified.

"Why didn't you tell me that? Why did you wait until now to tell me?"

Erin shook her head.

"And why did you pick Kelly over me then?" Jay asked, leaning in, "Just give me the answer, please. If you have an answer, I'll leave you alone." He said, "Just give me an answer."

"Because it's you, Jay!" Erin said, finally, like she'd been holding it in for a long time, "It's you. You were right. We have so much to our relationship. We're friends…and maybe more and you…your opinion is the only one that I care about. Do you know how hard it is for me to vulnerable in front of you? Let alone having you in a therapy session that explores all my inner thoughts and feelings." She shook her head, "I chose Kelly because I…I didn't want you to think less of me. I…didn't want you to judge me because of what I did."

Jay didn't know what to say. He hadn't been expecting that.

Erin nodded slowly, "Like this." She said, looking up at him. She turned away from him.

"No, no. Wait." He stopped her and turned her slowly to face him again, "Erin, this is what we're supposed to do. You're supposed to let me in because I care so much about you that I'll accept whatever insecurities you have. I'm not gonna judge you." He shook his head, "And I'm not gonna think less of you either. I'll always be the one person you can be sure is on your side, okay? I'm want to be here for you, but you're gonna have to let me."

Erin looked up at him.

"So will you?"

Erin took in a deep breath.

"I'll bring more pizza."

Erin cracked a smile, "Well, in that case…"

Jay raised his eyebrows.

"Yea…" She said, looking up at him, "I'd really like it if you stuck around for a while."

Jay nodded slowly, "Good." He leaned in, "Because I wasn't planning on going anywhere." He smiled and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into a hug, "You know, Nadia would be proud of what you're doing." He said, rubbing her back.

Erin leaned against him, closing her eyes. She took a long pause, "You ever feel like she's here?"

"Yea, I'm sure she is." Jay said with a nod, "You were always looking out for her, you know? So I'd like to think that now, she's looking out for you." He told her, "She's probably looking down on us right now and smirking, crossing her arms, wondering what took so long."

Erin laughed softly, "She always liked you…"

"She had good taste."

Erin smirked and nodded slowly, "I still wish she was here."

"Me too." Jay answered, "But it's not your fault she isn't."

Erin took in a deep breath, "I know." She replied, surprising Jay, "But that doesn't make it hurt any less." She said, sighing, "But it helps me to think that if she was looking down on us right now, she'd be happy."

Jay nodded slowly.

"And maybe one of these days, we'll think about her and it won't hurt. We'll be able to think about her and remember how great she was, instead of…how she died." Erin said, tears brimming in her eyes.

Jay nodded, "Maybe one day."

"Oh..." She paused, "Definitely."

"And maybe that was love. Being so vulnerable and allowing someone else in so far they could hurt you, but they also give you everything."

Christine Feehan

A/N: So that's the end for this story. I really enjoyed writing and I hope all of you liked reading it too. I can't wait for the show to come back in a few months, hopefully they'll do the story line justice - I bet they will. Thanks so much for reading! And don't forget to review and let me know what you thought.