Prompt: Any chance you could please tell us about the time Zack gave Sephiroth food poisoning with the rare Wutain mussels?

Food Poisoning

Sephiroth has the stomach of an Abyss Worm even if he was pickier than more restaurant critics, so Zack didn't actually think this could end badly.

Then again, he's said that about a lot of things that had ended with people dead, him covered in sewage or worse, and Sephiroth's precious hair full of gunk.

So on a promotional tour of Wutai the General brought along two Firsts, including Zack. And Zack of course wanted to try the deadly Wutain Shogun Mussel (named after only the bravest and craziest to eat it). The mussel itself was rare and expensive and lived in some kind of poisonous coral that meant if the meat touched even the slightest bit of the outer shell you were as good as dead.

Zack had to have it.

So of course he was going to drag Sephiroth into this. It would be good for his fierce image, and hey, he bet that kind of fresh mussel would totally taste good to Sephiroth's super-enhanced taste buds. That line of persuasion didn't work with the General, but Zack had maybe flirted with a kitchen worker into making sure those mussels landed on Sephiroth's plate. Then he'd have to eat it.

What everyone had failed to tell Zack was that the mussels went bad incredibly quickly—something to do with the water in Wutai and the way they were cooked—so they had to be eaten almost immediately after being served. And by the time the Shinra governor of Wutai had finished talking, the chef introducing various dishes, and Sephiroth thoroughly glaring anyone thinking of talking to him into cowed silence, the mussels on their plates had been sitting for a dangerously long time.

But man were they delicious. There wasn't much meat, but the flavor just exploded, and they were soft and slid down the throat like expensive champagne. Zack was suitably blown away as he carefully picked all the meat clean from the poisonous shell, moaning and rambling about how amazing it tasted the whole time. Sephiroth too had nothing bad to say about them for once, and happily ate the two on his plate.

And he looked perfectly fine through all of dinner, even if he was glaring a lot harder at everyone around them by the end, including Zack, who wondered what kind of cheap food they had served otherwise to put Sephiroth into such a bad mood.

When they finally did leave the dinner hall Sephiroth didn't even make it three steps into the garden connecting their sumptuous guest rooms to the main building. Zack has seen a lot of men throw-up in his life, including SOLDIERs, but he had never expected to see Sephiroth do it. In a bush after a fancy meal no less, while frantically pulling his hair back.

"Shit Seph, did you let the mussel meat touch the shell?"

Stomach momentarily cleared, the General almost snarled at him. "No, Zackary, but your high praise of the dish led me to believe I wasn't tasting tainted meat until midway through dinner." The effect of his words was lessened somewhat when he had to lean over and retch again.

"…You sure you didn't poison yourself? You've never been sick before," Zack said worriedly. The closest Sephiroth had ever come to being ill was after some big injections and tests by Hojo. Zack stepped forward and held his friend's hair back, wondering how likely he was to get eviscerated if he rubbed the General's back. Sephiroth and food poisoning?

When Sephiroth was able to walk again, Zack followed him into his room, almost believing nothing had happened by the way the General held himself, at least until the man collapsed on the bed, hands shaking slightly. Zack was quick to grab the mastered Heal materia from Sephiroth's bag and cast the most powerful Poisona he could. When nothing happened Sephiroth continued to give him the most baleful look he could while he recovered.

"I still think you poisoned yourself. Only your system would be able to survive that toxin," Zack announced when one more Poisona did nothing.

"The spider coral's toxin kills within three minutes of consumption," Sephiroth recited, stare boring into Zack. "I am familiar with the effects of food poisoning thanks to watching you insist on eating the cheapest Wutain noodles you can find under the plate and then regurgitating them an hour later."

Sephiroth looked almost green as he said this. Maybe "regurgitating" was the wrong word to say.

"Well yeah, but that was before I was a First." Zack sat on the bed. "At least you know now what us plebeians have to deal with when it comes to bad food and too much alcohol. And I can safely say you'll live."

In fact, Doctor Zack's diagnosis was right, and once Sephiroth's system was cleaned out he was fine. And it took about a third as much time as it did for anyone else with food poisoning he'd ever seen. That didn't save Zack from getting his ass handed to him in a "spar" (more like a thrashing) in front of the governor and his entourage the next morning when Sephiroth demonstrated just how recovered he was and how pissed off being sick as a dog for fifteen minutes had made him.