The same feeling resurfaces over and over again. You feel it constantly. You are never good enough. You have never been good enough. You also can't hold your tears in and it's so stupid. You're so pathetic.

Iwaizumi reminds you every time when you get into one of these moods though, of how amazing you are. You smile because this is the only time Iwa-chan would ever say anything to stoke your ego, because right now, no matter what anyone says, you can't feel praise.

You imagine that you've never meant to put people down. However, at some point you have to keep yourself up. To feed yourself lies when no one can support you because even though Iwa-chan will wake up at 2 AM in the morning, the ungodly hour, he doesn't appreciate it. These are things that you do so you're known for your bad personality not your insecurity.

But the boy that's grown up beside you, since you were snotty-nosed brats with scrapes on your knees, he knows better.

You weren't born to be a supportive pillar the way that he is. You're just an example, for people to follow, a goal so to speak. However, he's worth so much more than you are because he holds people up. You can be surpassed when someone gets so good, when someone's born talented- like Tobio-chan.

It's so easy for you not to be the next big thing anymore. The spotlight shifts and you're no longer the center of attention, even if you crave it, especially if you crave it.

Oikawa Tooru lives in the middle of a battlefield.

You only feel worse when you watch your family fall apart. Your mother and father don't understand. The worst of all is that they don't try to understand.

Some days are worse than others. Sometimes you get this horrible feeling in your gut and wait for it to fade. They do like you expect them to. But like you expect them to go away, they come back later in the day. Being with Iwaizumi helps though. However, he can never replace your family as long as you're still in high school because there's that stupid fucking dependency. You hate it. You hate it. You hate it so much. You have heard from somewhere to surround yourself with the people that support you. That would be your team.

However, you can never get rid of the people that tear you down. Tear you down for everything that you are.

You pray to a god that you don't believe in while you try walk away from the trainwreck that is your life.

Oikawa Tooru cries ugly, ugly, ugly tears that follow shallow smiles.

You learn to smile. (All you want to do is cry and throw something. It slips off your face the moment to turn around and they are no longer in sight.) It's not real. Iwaizumi knows what the real one looks like though.

When you walk with him to elementary school in the morning, he notices the puffy eyes. He comments on it. ( "Tooru, what the heck happened to your eyelid fold?" "Nothing, Hajime, nothing.") It's kind of cute. All of Iwaizumi's concerns are concentrated on you.

When he stops calling you Tooru is around the time that he stops mentioning the puffy eyes and tired attitude. He knew that you were crying. You're grateful for the latter, but miss the endearing way he called you by your first name. It's middle school and your name is now Oikawa, no more Tooru, just Oikawa. (In return, you change Hajime to Iwa-chan.)

You have perfected reading Iwaizumi like a book. However, that means he also knows you in the same intimate ways. These days, he communicates a silent do-you-want-to-talk-about-it stare, completed with knotted eyebrows and lips pressed tight together. You never take the offer, but Iwaizumi never stops making it an option. It's like a phantom hand held out, ready to support, to carry burdens.

Oikawa Tooru is made out of insecurities.

Iwaizumi is the one thing that you know that you will protect at all costs. You pretended to defend him when the two of you were young, while playing as captains of space ships exploring galaxies in the noon sun. He protects you as you turn squeamish at the sight of bugs. Iwaizumi loved catching them; you pretended that they were little aliens plotting their revenge of turning large so they could step over all of the humans that have stepped on their brethren. He caught them and put them in a collection before releasing them by the end of the week so he could protect the environment.

In all reality, Iwaizumi has protected you forever. Even as you are captain of the Seijou, he still keeps you in place when you're too tired to function. He makes sure that you're okay. You seem useless compared to him and all of the great things that he's done.

You're not sure why he still hangs out with you because there are moments when you let your mind wander to dark places. "Can you still stand me?" "Am I too annoying?" "Have I gotten to being too annoying yet?" "Am I too close?" You thank the time spent together during childhood for the strong foundational bond that surrounds the both of you.

You start dating a girl in your first year of high school. She's pretty, does her make up, bats her lashes, brags about you to her friends, has good judgement. She has good judgement on who treats her well. You don't. Her name is Miyu and she says that she "can't be with someone that puts a sport before his girlfriend." She can't deal with being ignored.

That's fair because you can't concentrate on something besides volleyball and Iwa-chan. However, it does not mean that it hurts less. In fact, it might hurt even more because you tried to love her and you're thrown into more turmoil when Iwaizumi offers to stay the night and keep you company.

That night, you cry. There are no graceful tears. The room is full of sniffles at 1 AM in the morning. You have kept yourself up for three hours just thinking, thinking, and finally realizing.

You tried to love Miyu, but you could never really bring yourself to. However, loving Iwaizumi Hajime was a whole other case. You never had to try with Iwaizumi. Suddenly all of your thoughts are just a chant of Iwa-chan, Iwa-chan, Hajime, a mantra almost. That's when you cry even more. You try burying your face in blankets and try to blot away the wetness seeping from your eyes, but that seems to trigger something. The tears fall faster. It isn't long before the number of tissues in the garbage can has tripled in number.

In the dark, quiet of the night, you try your best not to feel awkward when you hear the sound of tissues being pulled out from the box, the harsh noise as you blow your nose, and the rustling of them being discarded in the garbage can. You stare at the faint light still radiating from the glow-in-the-dark stars above your bed and take comfort in the familiarity.

At some point into the night, you get dragged into sleep courtesy of the emotional and physical exhaustion. Yet it wasn't before you pulled yourself up to look out the window and at the one across from yours. Iwaizumi was sleeping on his bed in the room that the window belonged to. You recall that before your consciousness faded away that somehow the feeling of tears sliding down the side of your face, only to collect on a pillow is ten times worse than them falling off your face.

The phantom hand will be held out for you again tomorrow.

Oikawa Tooru is selfish and an indulgent mess.

You can't share Iwa-chan. No matter how many times you make fun of his frowning face and unbecoming qualities, it's a lie. You're scared Iwa-chan is going to be snatched away when other people see how amazing he is. You're scared that Iwa-chan is going to choose some faceless, charming girl-next-door (not that you wouldn't know about it, you guys live on the same block) but, you're gonna be the best man watching, keeping record of the fact that you aren't going to be with him forever. Yet, the fact that you have these fantasies scares you even more, but they don't stop.

They don't ever stop.

They play in your mind on the nights that you haven't trained yourself to exhaustion, when you still can't fall asleep after watching hours worth of volleyball footage on your upcoming opponent. They play as tears roll down your face and you wonder if you'll have to get up earlier tomorrow to get some ice cubes to put over them because Iwa-chan is sure to realize what's happening if you go into school the next day with puffy eyes.

You can't have him know that you were crying. He'll baby you again and subconsciously, you're going to find some way to lean into his touch and everything will fall apart because he's not oblivious like the Karasuno dumbasses and worst of all, you're going to become indulgent and take advantage of his kindness. Then the cycle will repeat in the pathetic, stupid way that you live through your high school career, nothing short of being the motions of the washing machine that you watch when it's your turn to do the laundry and you can't bring yourself to move away.

Oikawa Tooru is completely, utterly in love with his best friend; he adores him.

You bask in small touches and direct glances that Iwaizumi sends across the court. Everything is more valuable when you don't know how long it will be until something will be taken away from you.

Staying over at Iwaizumi's house had become second nature at some point and so is staying in Iwaizumi's bed. In the winter, you snuggle right up to him because his is a furnace while you are a snow man and he provides much needed heat. When the temperature goes up, you still don't bother taking out a futon, haven't done so in years, but do not press up again Iwaizumi either. Nonetheless, you still wake up spooning him in the morning.

He has a cutest face when he wakes up, not that he'll ever admit. He's too much of a brute to accept that he has nice moments.

While he goes get ready in the bathroom, you stay in bed for a little while longer and he allows you. You burrow in the blankets and pillows and revels in the unique scent of detergent, sweat, deodorant, and skin that is so distinctly recognizable as Iwaizumi.

You're in too deep.

You don't care.

Iwaizumi and you have never talked about sexualities, just assuming that both were into girls. You are so sure that Iwaizumi is straight. You must be gay, maybe bisexual? Everything is a whole mix of questions and this only adds more doubt to everything. The negativity reinforces the fact that you will never ask Iwaizumi out.

For now, you break all promises of not taking advantage of Iwaizumi's kindness. His lap is constantly used as a pillow when you get tired; it's almost interchangeable with his shoulder when you try to do homework together but get too tired to go on. Your face goes red when you feel the muscle under the white t-shirt that Iwaizumi has on. You think of running your hands up and how his arms and you're practically dead.

You try dragging him to places more often, around the school, everywhere as an excuse to hold his hand. His hand is rough from spiking and lack of skin care products. You wouldn't have it any other way, though.

Additionally, you feel like a stupid, lovestruck middle school girl. Iwaizumi has really nice lips that compliment his face. You want to kiss the stupid smile off of his nicely-structured face and push him against the desk.

You can't concentrate in school and it's terrible. You can't concentrate at practice and that just makes it worse. At times you want to serve fifty volleyballs into your own face.

Iwaizumi Hajime is in completely, utterly in love with his best friend; he adores him.

When Iwaizumi tells you that he likes you, you think it's a joke. It isn't.

Your laugh is hollow, terrifying. It's a testament to how cruel this world could be. However, Iwaizumi is not kidding. He wants you to be his boyfriend.

Beautiful, flawed, strong, independent, Iwaizumi Hajime wants you to be his boyfriend. He's dependable and the stability that you needed desperately in your life.

You cry. They are tears of happiness, yet it doesn't make your face any less uglier.

Iwaizumi Hajime makes Oikawa Tooru a better person.

You still feel pathetic at times, but Iwaizumi makes you feel better, and on good days, like you're on top of the world. He is your knight, in rusting armor, donned since young childhood days. His kisses chase away insecurities and you find reassurance in the gentle squeeze when you hold hands. Firm embraces makes you feel like you have a place to call home.

Iwaizumi celebrates your birthday every year with a stack of milk buns and statements that tell you how much you matter and how important you are.

Iwaizumi tells you that you are not useless. You are the captain of the Seijou volleyball team. You are not pathetic. You are protective. You are caring. You are passionate. You are amazing.

You are not trash.