Hello! This is a new story, yet again. Just a warning - this will be very out of character for the Ethan presented in Casualty. I am aware of this and would appreciate it if you wouldn't comment on it. This story does have sensitive issues regarding mental health. This chapter is more of a backstory one but the proper story will start next chapter. This may be triggering. Please leave your feedback? Thank you!

Shattered: Prologue

Shattered

You say you know me,

But you see the mask,

I smile on the outside,

But, on the inside, I'm dark.

I cover up my feelings,

And you don't think much,

But I feel the pain and sorrow,

And I feel don't feel alive.

You think I feel the happiness,

You think I feel alright,

But all I feel is empty,

Because there is no light.

So I put a mask in place,

And you can't see the real me,

Because the real me is shattered,

It's shattered beyond belief.

Saturday, 17 January 1998

What was this feeling? Ethan wondered to himself while in the kitchen. It was a sense of numbness - detachment almost. Sometimes a little sadness, but that sadness was very rare. It was more of a feeling of nothingness inside of him. It was tearing him apart inside. He was just chopping up an apple, not really caring about anything- thinking more about his feelings than the task in hand. His heart hurt. Not from illness or anything, just from him. It was like his mind was telling him to give up and sleep. Sleep for an eternity. Sleep and never wake up because there's nothing to wake up to. Ethan wasn't finding happiness in anything. He really was just living because he could.

Suddenly, he felt a sharp pain go through his finger from where the knife slipped. He was too wrapped up in his own thoughts to be thinking about chopping the apple. But, strangely, he didn't mind. He felt something- he actually felt something. He looked at his now bleeding cut and somehow felt a sense of relief. He didn't feel numb, he felt release. He was almost happy. What was this new found feeling? Ethan stared at it for a few seconds longer. Then he did something he never thought he'd do. He wasn't even sure if it was normal or not, whether other people got the same feeling feeling as he did. That didn't matter. Not right now. He brought the knife down on the palm of his hand and sliced through the skin. It stung again, it was sharp, but Ethan didn't mind.

He brought his palm under the tap, washing away the blood he had made surface with his own actions. It was like the water was taking away his sadness, numbness even. Ethan almost smiled. He'd found something that was his own, and he would never let it go.

Wednesday, 14 April 1999

"Come on, Ethan. You're going to be late!" Cal shouted from outside his younger brother's bedroom. He knew Ethan had woken up at least half an hour before hand, but Ethan hadn't left his room. That wasn't a strange occurrence. Ethan often did that nowadays.

"I'm 14, not 4. You don't always need to tell me!" Ethan complained from inside his room. He heard Cal storm away, something which Ethan was glad about and Ethan's gaze drew from the door, back to his arm. He could see the blood drying on it from his most recent routine. One he did almost every day. He slipped the small knife that he managed to sneak out from the school canteen into his pocket as usual and pulled his sleeve down, making him hiss slightly from the pain of the material rubbing over the cuts. He didn't mind it at all. He never did.

He walked down the stairs and could see Cal with a backwards jumper on. Ethan didn't feel like he was in the real world, but he'd learnt how to act as if everything was alright. Stifling his fake laughter at how ridiculous it looked, he thought he'd better mention it to his older brother. "Caleb, you're jumper is on backwards." Ethan thigh he better laugh, so that's what he did. It was quite convincing, Ethan knew that because he got an annoyed look off of his brother.

"I'm 16 not 6," he mocked Ethan, making Ethan groan slightly at him. From where they were both stood, they could hear their mother from the kitchen.

"Play nice you two," she told them, just imagining her older son with a jumper on backwards. Even the picture of it made her smile.

"Love you, Cal." Ethan said mockingly, with which, Cal returned,

"Love you, Ethan."

Their mother laughed from the kitchen, knowing they meant it really - not that they would see it at this point in time. "Anyway, I better be off, said I'd meet Holly…" Cal trailed off, thinking dreamily of his most recent girlfriend. Ethan shook his head dismissively. This was the third girlfriend in a month. Cal would never admit it, but he was just as reckless as their father. "You're going to be late if you don't get a move on, Eth." Cal told him seriously - forever looking out for Ethan.

Ethan smiled inwardly to himself. The mask he had put put in place was holding. And it was working.

Thursday, 27 July 2000

Ethan cried. 15 year old Ethan cried his heart out. He couldn't take it any longer. He felt so horrible, so upset. He felt empty before, he felt ever so empty. But now all of the feelings he longed to felt caught up on him and he didn't like it. He rolled his sleeves up and saw scars, old scars. Some from two years ago, some from last year. He ran his finger over some of them. Some were recent, red and sore, stinging. He didn't mind. He'd spent the last two years feeling numb to the world. He just wanted it to end. He wanted everything to end. Right there and then, and Ethan was determined to make that happen.

Sunday, 06 August 2000

Cal was worried. His brother was allowed home under close supervision, but Cal still thought it was too soon. Way too soon. His little brother had tried to kill himself. His little brother had brought a knife to his own skin and tried to kill himself. If Cal hadn't have walked in when he did...

He shuddered at the thought. But there wasn't just what his brother had tried to do 10 days ago, it was what he had been doing for two years. Ethan had admitted to it, to doing it for two years. Cal could tell he regretted saying it afterwards, but that wasn't important. Ethan was getting help, and that was the main thing. He still wondered whether Ethan should have been kept in longer. It didn't seem right. Nothing really felt right. Cal didn't notice the decline in Ethan. It went on for two years, but Ethan's older brother didn't even notice. That didn't matter. Cal was going to be there for Ethan. All the time.

Thursday, 08 March 2001

7 months. Cal couldn't believe it. Obviously Ethan wouldn't have been cured in 7 months, but he would have thought that his little brother would have made some improvement. Boy, was he wrong. He was now watching over his sleeping brother who was lying sedated in a hospital bed, after trying to throw himself off a block of flats. Cal knows he should count himself lucky that there was some brave person prepared to drag his brother away from the edge just when it mattered. But Cal was shocked at it. Twice in less than a year. He could tell Ethan was getting desperate. He had new marks on his arms, almost covering old ones. Cal sighed. Whatever was wrong with Ethan, Cal would help him get through it.

Thursday, 11 April 2002

Third time. Method: overdose. Success: no. Luckily. Cal accepted Ethan had Depression. He accepted it right from the beginning- when Ethan was diagnosed with it a year ago. But the third attempt still came as a shock to him. He really thought everything was getting better, going back to normal, but it turns out Ethan was hiding behind a mask. He was 17, but Cal still saw him as a vulnerable 15 year old. Cal didn't ever want to let Ethan out of his sight, but he had to, no matter how much it hurt him. He just hoped Ethan would seek other methods of relief. Other methods to escape his inner turmoil. But that was all Cal could do. He could only hope.

Sunday, 14 December 2003

It was a breakthrough, a miracle almost. Cal was studying when he heard heard a knock on the door. He slowly opened it to see a pale-faced Ethan. He had red and puffy eyes and Cal could tell he'd been crying. He would never forget the sentence Ethan spoke to him. It was honestly like a light in the dark. "I want to do it, Cal. But I won't. I said i wouldn't, and I won't. I want to sit with you instead." Cal immediately knew what Ethan was talking and brought his 18 year old brother into a hug. Ethan had gone to Cal, something the older older of the two had wished for all along. Cal knew it was the start of the healing process.

A healing process he never imagined would fall apart many years later.