Summary: A certain conversation held with Alex Louis Armstrong taught Roy to flee the latrine whenever the Major was around if he didn't wish to talk about his... reproductive organs. Rated M for vocabulary. Implied Royai, kinda.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Hiromu Arakawa. This story has been inspired by tisiphon's reply on /post/125197653403/ and /post/125195465268/ on angel-with-a-pipette's tumblr.

Dedicated to: the people who wanted to see this, but mostly pahndah, T-phon, The Flame and Hawk's eye (accounts here) and cinnamoncountess (tumblr)

Please enjoy!

Roy knew he shouldn't have chosen a bottle of apple juice to accompany his lunch. Without this beverage, he would have never had this embarrassing meeting with Major Armstrong.

But he did, Roy loved apple juice too much. And it resulted in the usual - it made him thirsty. And thirst made him down a whole bottle of water in only ten minutes. And that made his bladder uncomfortably full.

Excusing himself from Hawkeye (the rest of the gang was having a late lunch), he stepped out of the shared office, turning to the right twice to access the men's latrine. His eyes checked the area quickly - all urinals were unoccupied. With an inward smile, he positioned himself right in the middle of the row and fumbled with his zipper to finally relieve his pulsating bladder. Relaxing his muscles, he felt the tension slip from his shoulders and his eyes rolled closed. After a second though, he glanced down again, into the urinal, trying to hit an imaginary spot on the ceramic with his jet of urine. It wouldn't hurt to allow himself to be a little immature for a second, would it?

"Excellent from, Colonel!"

The booming of a deep voice behind him made Roy jerk his penis up in surprise, splashing his surroundings unwillingly, before he turned his head back as far as he could to look behind.

Alex Louis Armstrong towered over the door of the stall behind him (who even designed this bathroom that way?, Roy wondered) sparkles hovering all around his head.

"Uhm... thanks, Major, I guess," Roy muttered quietly as he turned back around, but loud enough for Armstrong to hear. The alchemist nodded in affirmation and stepped out of his stall to go and wash his hands.

Sighing in relief, Roy stared back down into the urinal. Maybe he should try out hitting several spots in short succession?

"Perfect for reproduction, I might say!"

With horror in his face, Roy turned right to look up at Armstrong who had suddenly materialized right next to him, but the Major didn't seem fazed at all. Instead, his eyes were fixated on... Roy's penis.

"What a formidable girth!" Armstrong put his hand on his chin in a pensive gesture, his other hand grasping his elbow as he scrutinized the properties of Roy's appendage.

Roy felt the color drain from his face and he hurried to finish and zip up to escape Armstrong's chorus of praise.

"Respectable length, too, even in flaccid state!"

Roy froze mid-track before he approached the sink, suppressing the urge to shake his head. At this point of the conversation, he shortly considered skipping on washing his hands if it just wasn't so unsanitary.

"Has that excellent length been passed down in the Mustang family for generations, Colonel?"

He cringed as he dried his hands on the towel and kicked open the door of the latrine.

"You know Major, I didn't really get to compare it to the rest of my family, and I really gotta go-"

"My cousins and I had quite a few competitions in our youth on that matter", the Major continued relentlessly, and even though Roy leaped out of the bathroom, he followed much to Roy's terror, "as you know, I'm the only male heir of my family, so I didn't get to compare my manliness to my siblings - although, my dear sister-"

Only a fraction of a second was keeping Roy from running, he was walking so fast. He really didn't want to hear that! He didn't want to know about Armstrong's... reproduction organ or, dear goodness, any imitations of a penis Major General Armstrong might have whipped out to emphasize her dominance over her male family members!

"-caught us during one of our competitions. Rest assured that her sword was definitely the longest and most intimidating asset that day."

"That's incredible Major," Roy practically screamed, a little more high pitched than he loved to admit, as he grabbed the door handle, "but I really, really need to go."

"Ah, of course, Colonel! Let me just step in to say hello to your team mates!"

Unable to deny him that, Roy nodded, opening the door.

"Sure thing. But only Hawkeye's there. We're so packed with work and meetings we had to split up our lunch break and the rest is currently in the cantee-"

His eyes met the most lascivious behind he had ever seen, and that was incredible by itself as it was clad in a military uniform.

The person the behind belonged to was currently bent over the desks that were pushed together in the middle of the room. With one foot on tiptoes on the ground and one foot held up to balance their stance, their rear wiggled around in the air and heat pooled down into Roy's groin far too quickly for his liking. That was when he recognized the tuft of blond hair that was clasped back tightly on the back of the person's head. As if on cue, the head moved and looked back to recognize Roy and Armstrong.

"Colonel, Major!"

Riza gasped a little as she slid down the desks again, straightening her uniform. The heat got accompanied by a very familiar tightness in Roy's pants.

"Please excuse this indecent exposure, sirs. I was just about to go to a meeting and I needed my pen," she held up the pen in question as her cheeks flushed a faint pink, "it rolled away and I didn't really think and so I just... well..."

She cleared her throat and averted her eyes after a second, staring at a point between and behind her two superior officers. Roy followed suit immediately, before he lost himself in some kind of day dream. His eyes fell upon Armstrong, though, who seemed to be very pensive again as he stared at Riza.

"Uhm, Major?"

Obviously, Riza had taken notice of that, too, regarding him with a questioning glance.

"Lieutenant? Would you turn around for me, please?"

"Excuse me, sir?"

"Please! Just for a second." Armstrong emphasized, and his big hands grabbed Riza's shoulders surprisingly soft as he turned her body around 180 degrees. He stepped back and examined her back, tracing her curves in the air with an approving huff.

"Major?!"

"Wonderful. Wonderful indeed! Lieutenant Hawkeye has the perfect pelvis to accommodate your manhood, Colonel!"

With a start, Riza turned around again, pressing herself up against the desk in horror as Roy's jaw dropped, too. Armstrong on the other hand just fished in his pants pocket for a tiny, white handkerchief and shook it out.

"Look at her exquisite physique! Those are some excellent child-bearing hips! Ah, those are gonna be beautiful children!"

Armstrong blew his nose rather noisily and dabbed a sparkling tear away as he glanced down at the terrified pair who had taken on a deep shade of red.

"Definitely beautiful, strong, healthy, talented children! MY OTP IS PERFECT!"

Armstrong sobbed one last time before he turned on his heels and stormed out of the office. There was an ominous light and click on the door right after and, having a terrifying premonition, Roy grabbed the door handle immediately.

"... he locked us up. That idiot locked us up with alchemy!"

"Colonel?"

Roy turned back to Riza. Her face was still a little flushed and metaphorically screamed with annoyance and embarrassment.

"What the heck was that about?"

With a sigh, he wiped away the sweat that accumulated on his forehead and combed his hand through his hair in a vain attempt to smooth back his hair. When he let his hand fall back to his side, his fringe fell back into his eyes, too. He gave up on the day.

"Long story. Really long story..."