Put My Heart Down Chapter 1: Just Like It Was A Loaded Gun, a ncis fanfic

Put My Heart Down

Disclaimer:
As per usual, I own nothing. I mean, really … Y'all really should know that, by now. Lol

Rating:
T

Genre:
Romance/Drama/Family (with just a kiss of angst)

Pairing(s):
Tibbs
Tony/OC

Lyrics Used:
Sara Evans - "Put My Heart Down"

Just Like It Was A Loaded Gun

So pack up all your things and just leave some air to breathe | A million toxic tears fallin' like rain 'round here | This is the final hour | The end of our story tonight | And, I don't wanna fight

Eight weeks ago, Leroy Jethro Gibbs never would have thought he'd find himself, here. Four weeks ago, his lover and senior field agent – Tony DiNozzo – had walked out on him. And as much as he hated to admit it … It really was all his fault. Every time Tony told him that he loved him, Gibbs wanted to say it back – he tried to say it back. But, every time he tried, he froze and the words just died in his throat. He could make up just about any excuse he wanted. But, when it came right down to it … He was scared. The big bad Agent Gibbs was scared. He'd never fallen so completely for someone – given any one person such complete and total control over his life to where a single individual could either make or break him – since he'd met Shannon. And, every time he tried to tell Tony how he felt, he became overwhelmed by a sudden, inexplicable fear that something would happen and he would lose Tony – just like he'd lost Shannon. And, yet, little did he know that would be a self-fulfilling prophecy. His fear of losing Tony had caused him to lose Tony. The irony of his situation was not lost on him.

Unfortunately, that was not the only irony in Gibbs' current situation. Gibbs and Tony had talked about wanting to have kids, together. However, it had never worked out for them. After a few failed attempts, it began to look like it just wasn't in the cards for them. But, now … eight weeks later … Here, he was, terrified that the last attempt had succeeded as he'd been feeling inexplicably nauseous throughout the days for the last couple of weeks. At first, he'd tried to tell himself it was just a stomach bug. But, when he'd lost the ability tolerate the aroma of his precious coffee – with no foreseeable end in sight … He'd begun to suspect that something else may be at play as he'd decided to go and see his doctor.

As he sat in the doctor's office, Gibbs couldn't help thinking how he didn't want to be here alone. But, it was his own damn fault. Tony would have been thrilled to be there with him eight weeks ago. But, as per his usual, he'd fucked it all up, royally.

"Would you just talk to me?!" Tony begged, the desperation in his eyes echoed in his voice. "Jethro, please! You know I love you … But, I need to hear you say it …" The younger man begged. It had been a constant struggle of Jethro's. It wasn't that he didn't love Tony or that he didn't want to voice it. He was just scared. Pure, plain, and simple. Leroy Jethro Gibbs was scared. "Even if you can't actually say that you love me … If you're scared, or whatever … Just tell me that and that'll be enough! We can work through that, together!"

It was so tempting. All he had to do was open his mouth and just say two simple little words. 'I'm scared.' That was all he had to say and he would still have the one person that meant everything in the world to him by his side. But, no! Gibbs wasn't even that brave. He couldn't even admit to the love of his life that he was scared. How pathetic am I? Gibbs had berated himself.

"Still nothing?!" Tony begged, tears streaming down his face, freely, now. "I lay my heart and soul to bare for you and you can't say a damn word?!" Tony had gone on an emotional rampage, packing everything of his he could find into a couple of duffle bags. Gibbs was too paralyzed by his fear to move or even say anything to stop his young lover. Once he'd finished, Tony'd laid the bags by the front door before turning to Gibbs, one last time. "I love you, yes. But, I am not a door mat. I can't do this anymore, Jethro. I love you and I would do anything for you … But, I don't even know if you feel the same way or not – you never say anything – so, for all I know, you don't love me. Maybe you did, once, and maybe you didn't. I'll never know because you never say anything. … But, before I go …" Tony closed the gap between them in just a few long strides as he grabbed Gibbs's face between his hands and kissed him for all he was worth. He poured his heart and soul into that kiss and Jethro tried to reciprocate – loathing himself for the salty taste of the tears streaming down their faces. But, apparently, it had been too little too late. Tony wrenched himself out of Gibbs's grasp and returned to the door, grabbing his bags along the way, and storming out of the house without looking back.

"Mr. Gibbs?" The nurse snapped Gibbs out of his reverie as the nurse called his name – though, he could still taste the kiss that had haunted him for the last four weeks. "The doctor will see you, now." The young nurse smiled, pleasantly. Gibbs, for his part, had tried to reciprocate, but, he just didn't have it in him, anymore. Tony had been the only one to get a true, genuine smile out of him. Now that he was gone, Gibbs just didn't have it in him to smile, anymore.

"Thank you." He spoke, quietly, as he followed the nurse into one of the waiting exam rooms.

"So, I understand you're here to see the doctor about some persisting nausea?" The nurse asked, reviewing Gibbs's chart on her computer.

"Yes." Gibbs replied, gruffly. "'Bout the last two weeks or so …"

"I see." The nurse hummed, thoughtfully, as she entered the requisite notes into the computer. "Have you been experiencing any other symptoms? Fatigue, dizziness, headaches …?" She prompted.

"Been a little tired, I guess." Gibbs shrugged. Happens when you lose the one thing that helped you sleep at night. He thought, to himself, bitterly. "And, since the smell of coffee has recently become intolerable, yeah, I've had a few headaches."

"Interesting." The nurse hummed, again, as she made more notes in the computer before turning back to Gibbs. "I'm just gonna check some of your vitals and, then, the doctor will be in shortly." She smiled, before turning to pull on a pair of exam gloves. She then picked up a device that Gibbs recognized as a temporal thermometer before running said device across the length of his forehead. "Ninety-eight-point-six." The nurse announced satisfied. "Let's just check your blood pressure, then, shall we?" She added, wrapping the cuff around Jethro's arm. Oh, this oughtta be good … He thought to himself as the nurse plugged the earpieces of her stethoscope into her ears, placing the end underneath the cuff against his arm before she began pumping the cuff up with air. Wincing, slightly, as the cuff reached its peak, he felt relieved as the nurse began to slowly deflate the cuff as she got her numbers before releasing the rest of the air. "One-thirty over eighty-five." The nurse smiled, apparently satisfied. "Well, everything looks good, so far …" She replied, entering the findings into the computer. "I'm just gonna hand these over to the doctor and she'll be right in."

"Thank you." Gibbs replied, simply, as the nurse nodded in response and left – lightly closing the door behind her – leaving the special agent alone with his thoughts. Sighing heavily, he closed his eyes against the tears that stung his eyes as he wished, once again, that Tony had been there with him. "Stop it." He growled, to himself, slapping himself on the back of the head, trying to get himself together.

"That's weird." Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo mused, curiously, as he walked into the bullpen, immediately noticing the absence of their fearless leader. "Gibbs isn't here?" He questioned. "But, I'm just getting here and he's always here before me … Before any of us, actually."

"Vance was just by here." McGee shrugged, casually. "Said something about Gibbs having a doctor's appointment and that he'd be in a little later."

That news put Tony on edge. Sure, he and Gibbs may not be together anymore. But, that didn't mean that Tony didn't still care about the man's well-being. After all, it was his job to care. Tony was the one charged with having Gibbs's back. So, it made sense for him to care. At least that was what he always told himself, any more. "Oh. Okay." He shrugged, trying to shake his mind clear of the concern that he felt for the older agent.

McGee sympathized with friend and colleague. After Tony'd left Gibbs, McGee had allowed him to stay with him until he found another apartment. He knew the break-up had been hard on the senior field agent. Tim couldn't imagine how hard it must have been not knowing where you stood with the man you loved. Though, he'd been surprised how quickly Tony'd bounced back. Two weeks later, he was dating the real estate agent that had found him his new apartment. But, he supposed that was just Tony's way of dealing with things.

"You seem awfully perky." Ziva noted, suspiciously. "What are you so excited about?"

"Well, if you must know, Zee-vah … Wren and I have a date, tonight!" Tony smiled, proudly, as he slid into the chair behind his desk. "He's going to be making me an authentic Italian dinner at his place – everything made from scratch – mm! My mouth's watering, just thinking about it!" He grinned, not unlike the Cheshire Cat.

"Good morning, Jethro!" Doctor Spencer Cavanaugh greeted, brightly, entering her patient's exam room.

"Morning." Jethro replied, simply.

"They tell me you've been experiencing persistent nausea for the last couple of weeks." Doctor Cavanaugh replied, reviewing her notes.

"Yeah, it kinda comes and goes, but, it's definitely daily. And, just recently, certain smells have been making it worse." Jethro elaborated.

"I see …" The doctor hummed in thought. "Does it happen at the same time of day?"

"Usually." Jethro nodded. "Seems to be worst in the morning. But, sometimes, it can hit during the afternoons or evenings. It's woken me up in the middle of the night, a couple times." He added, recalling all that he could about his nausea.

"Interesting." The doctor replied, pulling on a pair of exam gloves as she turned toward him. "All right, Jethro, why don't you just go ahead and lay back for me?" She requested, as Jethro complied – lying back on the exam table. "Does that hurt?" She asked, gently pressing her hands into the flesh on Jethro's stomach.

"No." Jethro replied, shaking his head slightly, as the doctor continued moving around his stomach, repeating the same actions as the special agent kept giving the same answer.

After completing a few more physical exams, Doctor Cavanaugh readied a syringe. "All right, Jethro … I'm just gonna draw some blood samples and you'll be on your way." She stated, rolling the man's sleeve up, exposing the necessary part of the arm. "You're gonna feel a pinch." She warned, inserting the needle into the skin. Jethro winced, just a bit, at the initial sting. Once the needle was in, the doctor attached the vial, allowing the blood to fill the vial. Detaching the first vial, she replaced it with a second which filled just as quickly. Removing the vial, she used her free hand to reach for a band-aid before pulling the needle out of the skin – replacing it with the band-aid. "All right, Jethro …" Doctor Cavanaugh began, as Jethro rolled his sleeve back down. "I'm just gonna get these off to the lab and we'll see if we can come up with some answers for ya."

"Thanks." Jethro muttered, deciding to keep his suspicions to himself. He couldn't remember a time when he'd been more torn than he was in that moment. Part of him desperately wanted to be wrong. He really didn't know if he could raise a baby on his own. But, another part of him wanted to have a baby just as desperately. It may not be everything I wanted … Or everything I ever dreamed of having … But … Well, maybe I could have Tony's baby … But, he really wanted to have a baby with Tony by his side. He wasn't sure he could go it, alone.

After Gibbs had shown up at work, later that morning, the team could all tell that something was a miss with their leader. He'd been quieter and even more withdrawn that usual, around the office. They all knew something was wrong, but, none of them was brave enough to approach him about it. Instead they all just tried to busy themselves with paperwork at their respective desks.

For his part, Tony couldn't help worrying about his former lover. He'd never seen Jethro so worried about something. At least not about something that none of them knew anything about. Something was definitely on his mind, but – in true Gibbs fashion – he wouldn't say a word to any of them about it.

The rest of the day passed with little to no event. They'd all busied themselves with paperwork until they were all relatively certain their would start bleeding from staring at he computer screens for so long when Gibbs finally dismissed them for the day around seventeen-hundred hours. McGee and Ziva cleared out, first, leaving Tony behind to stare at his boss and former lover in concern as he debated asking him about what had been bothering him. But, after considering it for several moments, he realized he couldn't figure out a way to approach the man that Gibbs would open up to. Sighing lightly, in defeat, he grabbed this things and just left, muttering a quick and quiet "Later, Gibbs." on his way out.

Gibbs just grunted, quietly, as he sat at his desk, staring at his phone – willing it to ring. But, it was after seventeen-hundred hours. The doctor's office would be closed, by now. Growling softly in frustration, he gave up waiting on hearing back on his blood test results as he gathered his coat, his badge, and his gun and decided to head home for the night.

"Something smells delicious!" Tony smiled, walking into his lover, Wren Hastings's apartment, finding his way into the kitchen where he wrapped his arms around his lover from behind.

"Perfect timing." Wren smiled, turning to plant a chaste kiss to his lover's lips before offering Tony a spoonful of his homemade marinara sauce.

"Mm!" Tony hummed, appreciatively as he tasted his lover's homemade sauce. "That is delicious, babe!"

"Would you expect any less?" Wren asked, cheekily. "When you're making Italian food from scratch for an Italian, you gotta bring your A-Game."

"And, you most certainly have." Tony smiled, gently kissing his lover's cheek. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yeah, sure." Wren replied, gesturing toward the cabinet. "You wanna start setting the table for me?" He asked, hopefully.

"I would love to." Tony smiled, collecting the dishes from the cabinet.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs snapped out of his thoughts as the piercing cry of his cell phone pierced the air. "Gibbs." He greeted curtly, flipping the phone open.

"Jethro!" A familiar voice greeted, excitedly. "It's Doctor Cavanaugh! The office just faxed the results of your lab work over to me and I have good news for you!"

Gibbs half-smiled, suspecting he already knew what she was going to say. "Well, go ahead, Doc … Lay it on me."

"Well, the good news that you have no health issues!" Doctor Cavanaugh grinned, brightly. "And, the even better news … Your blood work showed elevated levels of Beta HCG." She smiled. "Congratulations, Jethro! … You're pregnant!"

"Pregnant." Jethro repeated, quietly. Even though he'd expected the results … On some level, he'd desperately hoped he was wrong. The confirmation of his suspicions hit him like a sucker punch to the gut – knocking the wind out of him. "H-how … Can you tell … How far along?"

"Based on your blood work, I'd say you're about eight weeks along." Doctor Cavanaugh replied, slightly less sure of herself. She'd thought she was giving her patient good news. But, judging by his reaction, she wasn't so sure.

If anybody would have been with Gibbs at that moment, they would have seen him visibly pale at the second confirmation. Shit … He thought to himself, grimly. How the hell am I gonna tell Tony? He wondered, desperately. "Thank you, Doctor." He replied, quietly, shutting the phone, without waiting for a response. "Fuck." He sighed, running a hand through his hair and down his face. "Well, you got yourself into one hell of a damn fine mess, this time, Gunny …" He spoke to the empty room.

Pacing around the room, he began to consider what this would mean – not only for himself – but, for Tony as well. As much as it killed him, Tony was in a new relationship. He couldn't even begin to imagine what effects this baby would have on that new relationship. As much as Gibbs loved Tony, he also wanted the younger man to be happy. And, if he was happy with this new man … Gibbs didn't want to mess that up, for him. But, on the other hand, he knew he had to tell Tony about the baby. The younger man had a right to know that he was gonna be a father. Sighing heavily, Gibbs knew he had come to a decision as he flipped the phone open – dialing the all-too familiar number.

Tony and Wren were half-way through their meal when the shrill ring of Tony's cell phone cut through the air. "It's work." He sighed. He hated interrupting a date, but, he knew if Gibbs was calling him it had to be important. Ever since the break-up Tony only heard from his former lover if they had a case. "DiNozzo." Came the clipped greeting.

"Tony … It's Gibbs … Can you come by? …" Jethro greeted, cautiously. "I need to talk to you … I really don't want to do this over the phone."

That had Tony both worried and confused. What could Jethro possibly have to talk to me about? He wondered, silently, while also hoping it wasn't anything too bad. Rubbing his forehead, briefly, Tony asked "Can't McGee handle it?"

"Tony, please …" Tony had to admit. He'd never heard Jethro sound so desperate before. It definitely had him worried. "It's serious." That did it. Tony's mind was made up – he was going to talk to Gibbs … Date or no date.

"I'm on my way." Tony replied, rising from the table, hoping something in his voice would be reassuring to the older man. Ever since the break-up, Gibbs had only referred to him as 'DiNozzo'. This was the first time in weeks he'd heard the older man use his given name. Hanging up the phone, Tony was halted by a hand on his arm.

"Where are you going?" Wren questioned, his eyes slightly hurt.

"I'm so sorry, babe." Tony apologized, sincerely, kissing his lover on the lips – lingering just a moment longer than necessary – before pulling away. "But, duty calls." He offered, hating lying to his new partner. But, he wasn't sure how well 'my ex desperately needs to talk to me' would go over. Tony had seen how jealous Wren could get and really didn't want to incite an incident, if he didn't need to.

He hated lying to Wren. But, he wanted to know what Jethro had to say before bringing Wren into it. "Okay." Wren sighed, lightly, rising from the table and gathering his lover into his arms for a brief embrace before leaning in for a possessive, hungry kiss. "Be careful."

"I will." Tony promised, pressing a light kiss to his lover's cheek before taking his leave – leaving a frustrated Wren Hastings behind him.

Tony was surprised when he arrived at Gibbs's house to find him – not in the basement, working on his boat – but, in his living room, pacing anxiously. It reached a point where Tony believed he might just wear a hole in the floor. "Jethro?" He asked, tentatively, not even realizing he'd used the man's given name for the first time since their break-up. "Jethro, what's wrong?" He added, worriedly, halting the man's pacing with a light grip on either of his arms.

Hearing Tony's voice, Jethro snapped out of his wild thoughts as he recognized the younger man's use of his given name. Tony'd only ever called him 'Jethro' while they were together. After the break-up, he'd gone back to 'Gibbs'. God, how I've missed that … He thought to himself, feeling his heart clench painfully, in his chest. It may not have seemed that significant to an onlooker … But hearing Tony's use of his given name meant everything to him. Hearing the evident concern for him in the younger man's voice was almost too much. I don't deserve his concern … He thought to himself, guiltily.

"I just … I don't … I don't know." Jethro sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I um … I went to the doctor, today …" He began, before Tony interrupted.

"Yeah, I heard." Jethro couldn't believe how gentle and compassionate the younger man's voice was. After all that had happened between them, he couldn't believe how much Tony still cared about him. God … I wish I could just … fucking man up and just … just tell him how much I love him! Jethro thought to himself, desperately, as he fought back the tears stinging in his eyes. "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

"Well, I … I don't know that I'd say that something's … wrong, per se …" Jethro began, anxiously. "But, I just got a call from the doctor … The results of the blood work came back and …" Sighing, lightly, he finished his thought. "I'm pregnant."

Those two little words seemed to freeze the world around Tony as he backed away from Jethro in shock. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe the irony of the situation. Yes, he wanted to have a family with Jethro. But, he never thought that would happen after he'd left him. "H-how … far along?" Tony stammered, trying to process the whole situation.

"'Bout eight weeks." Jethro offered, simply. "'Cording to the blood work."

"I see." Tony hummed, deep in thought. "I – and I …" He stammered, unsure of what to say or do, in response to Jethro's revelation.

"Look, Tony …" Jethro began, carefully, trying not to scare the younger man any more than he could help. "I just – I want ya to know … I'm not asking anything of you, okay? The ball's completely in your court on this one. I just – I thought you had a right to know. The choice is entirely yours. You can be as involved as you want to be – or, you can just … You can walk away, if that's what you want -"

"What – 'Walk away'?!" Tony spat, angrily. He couldn't believe what Jethro was insinuating. "How dare you?!" He hissed, subconsciously advancing on the older man until he had him backed into a corner. If he'd been aware of what was going on, it would have blown his mind to see anyone back Leroy Jethro Gibbs into a corner – let him. "Where the hell do you get off … How could you possibly think that I would ever – EVER – turn my back on my own child?!" He demanded.

"Tony, calm down." Jethro replied, nervously. Well, that didn't go the way I'd hoped, at all … He thought to himself as he frantically wracked his brain for something – anything – that would calm the younger man before him. "I wasn't saying that you would … I was just trying to make the point that I'm not demanding anything from you. I'm happy to take whatever you're willing or able to give – no matter how little. I'm not asking you to put your life on hold because of this." He elaborated, carefully, relieved to see some of the tension bleeding from Tony's shoulders. "I know you're in a new relationship and I can't even begin to fathom what kind of strain this would put on that …" Jethro watched Tony's face change at that sentence. He couldn't quite place the emotion, though. "Tony, I know you're happy with him … I've seen it in your eyes … heard it in your voice when you talk about him … I want you to be happy … Even if it's not with me …" He added, sighing on the last bit. "I don't want this baby to mess things up for you …" He added, not even realizing that his hands had moved to rest on his still-flat stomach as he spoke. " … That's why I understand if you can't –"

"I wanna be there." Tony replied, his voice so gentle and compassionate that it took Jethro's breath away. "Jethro, I wanna be there for you and the baby." Jethro couldn't believe what he was hearing. "I'm not my father … I've spent my whole life trying to be as different from him as physically possible … If Wren can't understand that my child is the single most important thing in my life … Well, then, that's his problem." Backing away, slightly, Tony realized that he needed some time to himself to process everything that was happening and accept that his life had changed, forever. "Look, I'm sorry – I really am … But, I need some time, alone, to think about all this." He added, regretfully. "I-I-I'll see ya tomorrow, okay?"

"Yeah." Gibbs choked out, around the growing lump in his throat. "See ya, tomorrow." He repeated, as Tony nodded, mutely, before turning and walking out the door. Well … That definitely coulda gone worse … Jethro thought to himself, unsure of how to feel knowing that Tony would still be an integral part of his life. "Get it together, Gibbs." He muttered under his breath, shaking his head clear as he made his way upstairs to his bedroom – sighing as he sat on the edge of the large, empty, queen bed that only mocked him after Tony'd left him. Stripping for bed, he wrapped the blankets securely around him – fighting against the permanent cold that had a vice-grip on him ever since Tony'd left – trying, and failing, to get some sleep.

Returning home to his apartment, Tony had undressed in a trance before slipping into an usually hot shower. As the hot water rained down on him, his mind raced with a million thoughts. He and Gibbs had wanted kids. He just always thought they'd be together when they had them. Sighing, he realized the shower was not the answer. Shutting the water off, he stepped out, wrapping a towel around his waist after drying off.

Returning to his bedroom, Tony smiled sadly as he found Jethro's old USMC hoodie that he had found in his bag after leaving the older man. He knew he should return it … But, it still smelled faintly of the older man, and it comforted him. Pulling it on, he slipped into a pair of old gray sweatpants before climbing into bed. Just as he'd been about to try to fall asleep, he heard the buzz of his phone vibrating on the nightstand. Sighing, he reached over and checked the alert. On the screen, he saw he had a new text message from Wren.

Call me when you can?

That was all it had said. Wren had always been mindful of trying not to distract Tony while he was on a case – a fact for which Tony had never been more grateful. He knew he should reply to the man. But, he had too much on his mind and he still hadn't figured out a way to break the news of the baby to his new lover. After considering the options for a moment, he replaced the phone back on the nightstand before turning over under the blankets, trying – and failing, miserably – to get some sleep. He'd hoped that things would be clearer in the morning, though, he suspected he would not be so lucky.

Author's Note:
Wow! That certainly came out a bit longer than I'd originally intended. Also, I have an alternate version of the scene where Gibbs tells Tony that he's pregnant in my head where Tony reacts completely differently. If I get enough requests, I'll post it and you can decide which version you like better. In the meantime, don't forget to read and review!

~Skye Coulson