Title: Kuebiko
Author: Sapphire Smoke
Beta: BellaRei713
Fandom: Harry Potter
Rating: M
Pairing(s): Bellatrix/Narcissa, Narcissa/Lucius
Sequel To: "Amphierotic Bloodlines"
Summary: KUEBIKO n. a state of exhaustion inspired by acts of senseless violence, which force you to revise your image of what can happen in this world—mending the fences of your expectations, weeding out all unwelcome and invasive truths, cultivating the perennial good that's buried under the surface, and propping yourself up like an old scarecrow, who's bursting at the seams but powerless to do anything but stand there and watch.
Dedicated To: My beautiful girlfriend Aly, who I wouldn't even be with if not for her obsessive internet stalking of me because of Bloodlines, haha. I love you, babe.
A/N: So I might be three years late in writing this sequel, but better late than never right? Lol. Honestly though, I am very sorry for how long it took me to begin writing this story, and I hope in the end it ends up being worth it. On the plus side however, these chapters are easily twice the size of the ones in Bloodlines, so you'll have much more to read each update this time around!
CHAPTER I
Autumn, 1973
Narcissa Malfoy had always craved control.
Brutally stripped from her sense of self as a child, Narcissa grew up always having felt as though she were someone's property. She wasn't a person; she was a name. In the end, she was nothing more than what she could offer her family, and should she ever try to be more than such, compliance was viciously beaten into her by her mother's hand. Perfection was not a variable, and after both of her sisters turned out to be bitter disappointments, Narcissa was the only thing Druella had left; the last chance that she had to get it right.
And she got it so very, very wrong.
Ugly, fat, shameful. Even years later Narcissa could hear her mother's words echo in the back of her mind, each accusation shredding her self-esteem until it lay tattered in ribbons at her feet, destroyed beyond recognition or repair. The reflection that used to stare back at her was empty; hollow and lifeless, and now Narcissa felt as though she couldn't even recognize herself as her fuller face told a story of recovery that her mind still did not feel.
"Narcissa?"
The blonde tore her gaze away from her reflection in the window's glass, turning to look at the man in the large armchair in the southern most corner of the room. "I'm sorry," Narcissa apologized, realizing that her mind had wandered. "What was it that you were saying?"
The Soul Mender, a middle-aged man by the name of Broderick Selwyn, peered over the rim of his glasses as he reiterated, "We were speaking of your mother. You believe that was where your problems with food originated?"
"She was where all my problems originated," Narcissa corrected him, because it was far more than just her desire to starve herself into some deluded ideal of perfection and control. Her mother absolutely destroyed any hope of her ever growing up well-adjusted, giving her a victim complex that left her constantly looking for someone to save her.
"Such as your dependency on your eldest sister?"
Narcissa's head snapped towards him then, her compliance to these sessions drastically waning at the unexpected accusation. "Who told you that?" she demanded, voice beginning to fill with fury. She wasn't here to 'fix' her love for Bellatrix. "My husband? My brother-in-law? I never gave you permission to speak to them about my progress, so unless you wish for me to strip you of your license to practice as well as your bloody reputation, I suggest that you—!"
"Narcissa, no one is going behind your back," Mender Selwyn interrupted calmly, not allowing Narcissa's threats to get underneath his skin. "Your husband expressed his concerns during your intake; your previous Mender didn't mention it?"
"I wouldn't speak to her," Narcissa told him, as though he should have realized; why else did he think he got this job? It was solely due to his lineage, nothing more. "And frankly I find it atrocious that someone not only thought it appropriate to give me some filthy mudblood as a Soul Mender, but that it took nearly three weeks to get a replacement for that hag. Is your administration not aware of exactly how much money my husband is donating to this wretched hole? I should be treated with the highest priority, yet instead I'm barely—!"
"You seem awfully entitled for someone who claims their self-esteem is in tatters," Mender Selwyn mentioned, causing Narcissa's eyes to flash in warning. Entitled… did he honestly not realize who he was speaking to? "Is asserting yourself above others your way of trying to remind yourself that you matter?"
"I am a Malfoy; of course I bloody matter!"
"You're more than your name, Narcissa."
Narcissa's fury choked in her throat then, brutally reminded of why this had all begun. At a sudden loss for words, Narcissa just stood there, feeling her stomach twist into painful knots in the pit of her abdomen as flashes of her mother screaming, "You are a Black!" played in the back of her mind, remembering exactly how it felt when the skin on her back tore and blood ran down her spine. And so when Mender Selwyn asked if she would like to sit down now, Narcissa felt herself plop into the chair opposite him without a word, practically in a daze.
"What are you remembering?" Mender Selwyn asked, his tone gentle so as to not startle her.
But it wasn't just one thing, they all bled together; years of abuse and torment and, "Your hair is your only selling point, you foolish waste, have you no sense?" as tiny hands wrapped around bigger ones with, "I'm not gonna move, I promise, Bella. She's not gonna hurt you, I'm not gonna move," before suddenly there was a kick to her gut, wand all but forgotten as Druella took out her rage of Andromeda's absence on her like some filthy muggle.
"That stupid sod…" the angel breathed, fingertips touching the contour of her cheek. "What has she done to you?"
"Narcissa?"
Narcissa wrenched herself out of her overlapping memories, gaze connecting with the man across from her. "Everything," she responded after a long moment, the word cracking in her throat from the strain. "…I remember everything."
The man kept himself silent though, waiting for her to elaborate.
She didn't want to do this; she didn't want to spill her family's secrets, it's shame to a perfect stranger. These sessions were mandatory in her recovery program however, the Healers stressing the importance of addressing the underlying issue that caused her eating disorder in the first place. And it wasn't as though Narcissa was trying to fight against getting better, because she knew that she could no longer torture herself in this way, but it was ingrained in her head as a child that what happened within their walls, stayed within their walls. It wouldn't do to have shame attached to their family name now, would it?
In the end though, Lucius and she were paying this hospital an ungodly amount of money for discretion. It gave her some leeway for comfort, but not much.
"I was abused as a child," she finally told him, keeping it fairly nonspecific. "Mentally, emotionally… physically." One could also make a case for sexually, but Narcissa would never put such a foul label on her relationship with her sister. Despite her young age at the time that it started, she still considered it consensual. "It ended when I was fourteen with my parents' death. They perished in a house fire."
That her sister had set to conceal the evidence of what she had done to them, but no matter.
"Does it upset you?" Mender Selwyn asked curiously. "Their death?"
"No."
It was spoken without hesitation or thought, as it wasn't even in question. Maybe once she had mourned the loss of an ideal, a life she would never have with parents who loved her and a sense of normalcy that she would never touch, but those foolish wishes died along with her childhood. Her father was uncaring, and her mother was cruel. They had deserved their fate.
"Does it concern you then, that you have yet to move on from the anguish they caused you?"
Narcissa's gaze, which had been firmly locked on her hands as she idly played with her fingers as she spoke, snapped back up to meet his. She was silent for a long moment, a little concerned that this man seemed able to read her so well. "…Yes," she finally admitted. "It was three years ago; it shouldn't matter now. I'm safe."
"Do you feel safe?"
No.
But it wasn't due to her parents. Her love for both her sister and husband damned her in the Dark Lord's eyes, labeling her as a distraction and a weakness. She had spent the last year of her life terrified and learning Occlumency in order to hide the truth from him, and every day she lived in fear that he would eradicate her from their lives to allow Bellatrix and Lucius better focus. In the end though, what truly kept her safe might not be that at all, but the fact that she had promised him something she had yet to deliver on. Which served as little comfort, as Narcissa dreaded the coming of that day with every fiber of her being.
"What does this even matter?" she snapped, not wishing to discuss this any longer. "Whether or not I feel safe has no bearing on anything; it wasn't why I stopped eating, and in case you've forgotten, that's the only goddamn reason that I am here!"
"Then why did you stop eating?" Mender Selwyn asked, and his calm attitude towards it all just enraged Narcissa as she shook her head and shouted at him like he was a sodding idiot for not putting two and two together.
"Because I was told every bloody day that I was a cow!" she exclaimed loudly. "Worthless; a bucket of lard that had no hope of ever finding a proper husband. And when I finally ceased being those things, I was no longer punished for it! I finally had some sodding control over what happened to me, I finally had one small shred of approval from my mother, which for some disastrously screwed up reason, a part of me actually craved!"
"But your mother has been dead for three years," the man reminded her. "If your mother was the only reason you did it, then why did you continue after her passing?"
That made Narcissa falter. "I…" She swallowed, averting her gaze. "I don't know."
"You do know."
Narcissa shot him a scathing look. "You seem to know all the answers," she shot back. "Why don't you enlighten me?"
Mender Selwyn shifted in his seat, gently pressing his fingertips together as he looked at her. "From my understanding, a fair amount of eating disorders stem from a lack of control in one's life. As you mentioned finally having control over what happened to you, I'm inclined to believe this is the case with you as well. Do you believe I'm wrong?"
Narcissa set her jaw, irritated by his assessment; although only because she knew it was entirely correct. She had said the same thing to Bellatrix once, that it was the only blooming thing she had control over in her life. Everything else may fall to shambles around her but this… this was hers. If she could achieve nothing else in life, perhaps she could at least achieve perfection. It was such a stupid, childish thought, and Narcissa hated that she had sunk so deep in it. It had become habitual, honestly; a way to deal with the stress in her life, and yet instead it had caused her to fall to pieces on more than one occasion.
"…No," she eventually admitted. Narcissa hated telling him that he was right, but she was here to get better; the time for childish defensiveness was over, at least in regards to her disorder. "I had never had control over any aspect of my life before, save that; in the end, that was probably why I became so immersed in it."
The man nodded, looking down at his clipboard as he scribbled something in the margin of the paper. As he wrote, he mentioned, "The Healers tell me that you've gained half a stone since your arrival here. How does that make you feel?"
Fat. "Fine." Failure. "I'm here to recover, aren't I?"
"Just because you want to recover, doesn't mean your disordered thoughts will disappear overnight," Mender Selwyn responded, as if he knew what she was thinking. He glanced down at Narcissa's wrist then, looking at her ring and thumb wrapped around it. "You're measuring yourself. Do you find that you've been doing that often since you came here?"
Narcissa let go of herself like she had been burned. It was so unconscious on her part she hadn't even realized she had been doing it. But she used to be able to touch her pinky to her thumb, and she no longer could do that. It seemed a part of her was obsessing over it. "I don't… I don't know," she admitted, because she hadn't been doing it purposely.
"Well try to make yourself more aware of it," the Mender suggested, and Narcissa pursed her lips and nodded; she understood that if she wished to get better, then she needed to follow his guidance, "and I will ask you again about it next week."
He scribbled something else down on his clipboard then before he looked up at her and said, "Let's talk about your sister—"
"No."
Bellatrix was not a part of this. She was not part of the problem.
"Your husband expressed some concerns; you're not interested in addressing them?" Mender Selwyn asked, brow rising slightly. "You're very quick to define yourself by his name, for not seeming to respect the care he has for your recovery."
Narcissa just stared at him for a long moment. "What is this, reverse psychology?" she spat, furious with how the man had just worded that. "I love my husband, but Bellatrix isn't the reason I stopped eating and therefore has no place in any of our discussions, no matter what Lucius seems to think."
"And what do you think he thinks?"
"The same thing he always bloody thinks!" Narcissa shouted without thought, too furious with Lucius for bringing something like this up again. She thought they were past this. Did she not do as he said; had she not stayed away from her, only seeing her for Occlumency lessons and holidays? Why was he still pushing this? "He thinks I'm too attached; that the horror in our childhood made us emotionally dependent on one another. But he doesn't have siblings, so how the bloody hell would he know about how I should go about 'properly' loving her?! There is nothing wrong with my relationship with my sister!"
The words were out before she could stop them, but when she realized that she had allowed the stupid man to trick her into discussing the topic, she shut down and snapped, "I'm not discussing this; it's completely irrelevant."
"You're awfully defensive about her."
"Well I wouldn't have to be if everyone just left it well enough alone, now would I?!"
But he didn't leave it alone. No one sodding did. "What do you think it is about your relationship with your sister that causes your husband to believe you're too attached to her?" he asked, and Narcissa fumed.
Probably the fact that I fuck her. But she would never say that out loud. Regardless, she doubted Lucius knew the true extent of it. He had had his suspicions once, as did Rodolphus, but Bellatrix's husband was probably far closer to accepting that conclusion than her own husband, and as of yet he didn't have the stones to accuse them out loud of such a thing. In the end, she doubted either of them wanted to know the truth.
It was far less messy to ignore it, to try to separate them with bullshit excuses and feigned care for their emotional wellbeing, when the truth of it was that neither of them wanted to bear the shame of having chosen wives with such a dark, shameful secret. Rodolphus it would disgust, but Lucius it would destroy. Unlike her sister and her husband, she and Lucius did not have a loveless marriage, and he already competed with Bellatrix enough as it was.
And while divorces may be uncommon in pureblood society, as it brought shame to both people involved, Narcissa wasn't entirely certain that Lucius wouldn't leave her over it. So she lied; what other choice did she have? At the end of the day, all she had was her place in this world, and the truth was not worth losing that over. She had worked too hard to secure this life for herself to just throw it away.
"Are you deaf or just thick in the head?" Narcissa snapped. "I said I wasn't going to discuss this any longer, and if you keep pushing the matter then I will make sure that I am the last patient you ever have. I am here to recover from my eating disorder, that is all!"
The Soul Mender tried to explain that everything was interconnected, as Bellatrix was around for the abuse she suffered as a child that inevitably drove her to starve herself, but Narcissa was having none of it. She was so furious with Lucius for even bringing this up in the first place, that two days later when he visited her again, he was greeted with a slap to the face.
"…I take it things are not going well?" he asked sardonically as he shut the door behind him, giving them some privacy in the room that had been Narcissa's home for the last month. She glared at him.
"How dare you," she seethed. "I thought we were past this thing with Bellatrix, and yet I find out you went behind my back during my intake and spoke of things that aren't even relevant to the reason I'm here?! Stop spreading our business around, Lucius; it doesn't look good for us!"
"I've paid for their silence," Lucius defended, looking at her like she should know better than to accuse him of being careless with their family's indiscretions. "And it wasn't as though you left me with much choice; you might be here for your anorexia, Narcissa, but that is not your only problem. Bellatrix told me that you had stopped going to your appointments with the Soul Mender I arranged for you to see last year—"
"And you believed her?!" she shouted, because it was easier to lie. God, she was going to kill her. Was bloody everyone ganging up on her lately? "And even if she was telling you the truth, this is how you repay her honesty? By throwing my relationship with her under the bus? If she told you that, Lucius, it was because she wanted me to get help for what our parents did to me, not for my relationship with her!"
"Well it's all connected, isn't it?!" Lucius defended, and Narcissa just threw up her hands, shaking her head as her eyes began to well up with tears. Sometimes she felt so utterly helpless when it came to this topic. She didn't know how to make it end.
"I don't understand you," she shot back, her voice hitching in her throat. "I did what you asked, didn't I? I distanced myself, I went to that blasted Soul Mender, I tried to have what I guess you consider to be a normal relationship with her, but it isn't enough, is it? What do you want, Lucius? Do you want me not to love her anymore?! Because she is my sister, she is the only family I have left—"
She began to cry then, and Lucius' face crumpled as he tried to approach her. "No, Narcissa, I don't—I'm not trying to rob you of the last of your family, alright? I know you've been trying; I just wanted the Soul Mender to address it because I know you've struggled with being apart from her, when you both used to spend nearly every waking moment together. I'm not trying to devalue what progress you've made, I swear to you I'm not."
He wrapped her in his arms then, and Narcissa instinctively laid her cheek against his chest, the wetness upon her cheeks staining his white button down shirt. "This is hard enough as it is," she breathed, another tear leaking from the corner of her eye and falling down the contour of her jaw. "Short of cutting Bellatrix from my life, I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make you okay with my relationship with her. What on earth do you think I do with her that's so terrible…?"
It was such a dangerous question, and Lucius sucked in a sharp breath at the sound of it. He suspected, Narcissa knew he did somewhere in the back of his mind, but after the fit she had thrown the last time he implied something inappropriate was going on between them, she knew Lucius would never dare to say such a thing again. He didn't want to lose her, should he really be wrong about it, and unless he saw it with his own two eyes, he would always doubt his suspicions.
Therefore, it didn't surprise her when Lucius kissed her gently on the forehead and responded in a rather defeated breath, "…Nothing. I'm sorry; I know you're going through enough right now. I'll leave it alone for a while, I promise. Just please focus on getting better, that's all I ask."
Narcissa wanted to tell him that leaving it for 'a while' wasn't good enough, that she needed this to end, but she was afraid of pushing the issue too far. In the end, perhaps this would always be a problem between them both, and she needed to accept that Lucius would never be comfortable with her relationship with Bellatrix. The most she could do now was just make sure he never found out the truth of how deep it ran.
Two months into her stay at St. Mungo's was when her sister finally came to visit. "Where have you been?" Narcissa demanded once the woman was in her room and they had a sense of privacy, feeling so immensely betrayed by the fact that she hadn't seen her in so long. Didn't she realize that a large part of the reason she was even here was for her?
Bellatrix had told her once that they couldn't be together until she recovered from her anorexia, and while Narcissa threw that back in her face by continuing to starve herself, when she finally realized that she needed to stop this behavior, it wasn't solely because she was afraid she'd drive herself mad if she stayed this way; she also needed her. She needed her sister back in her life, in the way that they had always been. She needed her touch, her love, her acceptance.
"Where do you think?" Bellatrix countered, practically slamming the door in her wake due to her immense irritation over the situation. "I am so fucking sick of being told what's right and proper. You're my bleeding sister, and honestly I think it looks worse that I haven't come since you've been here; like we're trying to hide something."
"Rodolphus wouldn't let you come?" Narcissa asked, although she should have known. If he and Lucius got their way, they would probably never see one another again. "Why do you listen to him, Bella?"
"Because he makes me bloody paranoid!" Bellatrix exclaimed, like she should already know the answer to that question. She crossed the room towards her then, a sense of fear and foreboding in her eyes as she told her, "He keeps reminding me of what happened to the woman that Nott loved and it fucking paralyzes me, Cissy; I can't have that happen to you!"
"But it's over," Narcissa tried, although she knew it not to be true. She just couldn't stand the thought of having this be her life now; all she wanted was Bellatrix, all the time. She couldn't bear it if all she ever got was her sister in small doses. "I blocked him out; he couldn't see the truth about us. We got away with it, so why—?"
"It'll never be over, love," Bellatrix told her regrettably, clasping their hands together as she encouraged Narcissa to look into her eyes, to understand that she didn't want this to be the way of things either, but that she couldn't change it for her. "I don't know," she breathed in defeat, sounding a little frustrated as she gently rested her forehead against Narcissa's, causing the blonde's eyes to softly flutter closed from the intimate position. "Maybe in a few years, when you've mastered Occlumency enough to shut out an attack you're unprepared for, we can see each other more often. But until then…"
An overwhelming sadness rose up from the pit of Narcissa's stomach then, causing her esophagus to clench as she opened her eyes to look down at the floor in saddened disbelief. "But you told me that if I got better we could be together…" she whispered sadly, suddenly feeling so very small and fragile as her eyes began to well up with emotion, and her sister's hands squeezed her own.
"We can. We will," Bellatrix promised, her words fierce and passionate as she cupped her cheek possessively, causing Narcissa to look up at her as a singular tear rolled down her skin. Just the sight of it looked as though it stirred something in Bellatrix, when there once was a time that she had been so uncaring about her tears.
"Stop it, you know I fucking hate when you do that," she demanded softly, her thumb impatiently wiping away the wetness that had resided on the blonde's cheek. It sounded more aggressive than sympathetic, but that was Bellatrix for you. Besides, the tone didn't last.
"I know this is shit," she continued after a moment's pause, voice much gentler this time around as she looked at Narcissa with an expression the blonde had a difficult time deciphering. It was something new, something… a little more honest. It caused Bellatrix to seem a little unsure of her next words. "I know everything is shit, but I swear to you I'll… I don't know, make every bleeding moment that we have together special, alright? Like something out of those crap movies you always insist on watching."
And it was obvious Bellatrix had no idea what she was doing, how to properly express herself in this way when kindness and sympathy and love-filled declarations were not her forte, but she tried nonetheless as she finally got it right and finished with a more sincere sounding, "I won't leave you to feel unloved and abandoned, Cissy; I promise you. Not anymore."
God, it wasn't fair.
It wasn't fair that her sister was finally trying to treat her right, and yet because of situations beyond their control she could barely experience it. Narcissa had waited so long for things to be okay between them; she suffered through her sister's madness, her addiction, her guilt, and yet when Bellatrix finally got better, when she finally realized that despite this thing between them having been born from abuse and a fear of loneliness, it had turned into something completely genuine and beautiful and real, Narcissa could barely be around her to enjoy it. Bellatrix had always looked at her like she was something precious; something to be savored and hoarded and kept away from all others because she was hers, but never before had she seen such care and devotion behind her sister's eyes when she looked at her. It took Narcissa's breath away.
"I love you so much," Narcissa breathed, her voice tinged with sadness and desperation as she slid her arms around her sister's neck, pulling her closer to her. Their breasts touched through the fabric of their robes, and Narcissa could feel her sister inhale a deep breath at the snug fit of their bodies. "Bella, I love you so much and I can't bear this anymore, I can't—!"
Soft lips felt a connection then, but it was only brief as Bellatrix turned her head and grasped Narcissa's wrists, quickly forcing her arms back down to her side. "Cissy, we can't do this here," she hissed in her ear, stilling her completely against her. Her body was tense, as though she were either angry or afraid that she had dared to do that. Perhaps both. "We—"
"We're unmonitored."
Bellatrix's eyes caught hers.
"I'm not a danger to myself," Narcissa told her, needing her to understand that she would have never done that if she thought they would be caught. "I'm allowed my privacy. The only time I'm watched is when I eat, so no one can see us, Bella. We're alone."
Bellatrix wet her dry lips, briefly glancing down at Narcissa's. "Rodolphus is here," she revealed, sounding loathed to admit that she had allowed him to practically babysit her. "In the waiting room. If I take too long, he may come looking for me."
"How long do you have?"
"I don't know."
Narcissa swallowed, catching her sister's gaze as she gently reached up to touch her face. "I just miss you…" she whispered, needing Bellatrix to understand that this separation between them was killing her. "I haven't seen you since my wedding; that was nearly three months ago and I can't—I can't go that long again, Bella; you have to understand—"
"I do," Bellatrix assured her, gently removing her sister's hand from her cheek before she hesitated for a moment, briefly glancing down before she seemed to decide on a show of emotion, and softly pressed her lips against the blonde's knuckles. It was so intimate; so unexpected and caring that it nearly made Narcissa burst into tears again. "I do, Cissy; and I swear to you, I'll do everything in my power to make sure it's never that long again. But you have to do something for me, okay? Do you promise me?"
Narcissa nodded without thought, as she would always do whatever it was that Bellatrix needed of her, especially with the way she was acting right now. "You need to get better," she continued, wrapping the blonde's hand tightly in her own. "You need to get out of here, yeah? Then if nothing else, we can continue to see each other during your Occlumency lessons, because Lucius and I are already in agreement that they should continue."
The way Narcissa was looking at her seemed to allow Bellatrix a little more confidence in her newfound experiment in emotional expression, and suddenly there was no more hesitation behind her words as her tone became a little more passionate and she strongly told her, leaving no room for question or dispute, "I will always find a way to you, Narcissa; there's nothing in the bloody world that could stop me from that."
The fierce promise behind her sister's words caused Narcissa to get emotional again, and as she blinked another tear fell from her eye. It was almost as though this were too good to be true, how Bellatrix was acting with her, despite her having already seen the signs of things changing between them months before this.
Still, it was obvious that her sister was suddenly trying so much harder this time around, and Narcissa couldn't bear to let it go unacknowledged; unappreciated. She remembered telling Bellatrix a few days before her wedding that she'd barely scratched the surface of normal human emotions, let alone that she was anywhere near the realm of the 'touchy-feely bullshit' that Narcissa craved their relationship to have, but with the things her sister had been saying to her and the way she was looking at her now, she suddenly seemed so much closer.
"You're different," Narcissa breathed, almost in awe of it as she caught her sister's gaze. Because this wasn't a natural progression by any means; this was Bellatrix actually going out of her way to try, to really fucking try this time, and that was something that her sister, who was constantly self-involved, would never normally be bothered to do.
Bellatrix smirked softly. "That your way of saying I'm not acting like a 'scathing cunt' for once?" Her fingers unwrapped from the blonde's then, touching Narcissa's cheek again as she wiped the drop of wetness from her skin. "I think that may have been your favorite thing to call me; was thinking about getting it tattooed on my arse a while back."
"I'm sure you still make other people miserable," Narcissa responded, her lips quirking in amusement to mirror her sister's. But she got serious again, her gaze taking in every inch of her sister's face as she tried to figure out what had changed. "But you seem less… selfish."
"Only to you. Everyone else can suck my left tit if they honestly expect me to give a sod about what they want."
Narcissa's eyes searched hers for a moment, the pause between them lengthy. "What changed?" she asked, her voice soft and curious, because she hadn't been expecting this. She knew her sister loved her and that she was trying to be better for her, but she hadn't expected Bellatrix to ever expel this much effort over it. Not once had her sister made this visit about her, and everything used to always be about her; even when Bellatrix claimed she lived and breathed only for Narcissa, in the end, it had been about Bellatrix's love for her, not about her. But this… this was. This was entirely about Narcissa, and the girl didn't know how to take that.
"Don't pretend like you don't know," Bellatrix responded, suddenly sounding a little defensive of the choices she had made in regards to their relationship. Perhaps Narcissa shouldn't have shone a spotlight on it, but she didn't want Bellatrix to think she was ungrateful for her effort. Regardless, her sister still told her the truth as she finished, as though the answer should have been obvious, "I found out the truth, Narcissa; that's what changed."
The veritaserum; the only way that Bellatrix apparently could ever believe that Narcissa truly loved her.
Ever since the Dark Lord had returned her sanity, she had been having doubts about whether or not what they were doing was right; if what they were doing with one another was actually real, or just some kind of disastrous coping mechanism to deal with the abuse of their childhood. But it was real, Bellatrix knew that now, but regardless, she had also known that for nearly a year now, and she hadn't been acting this way before. It had gotten better yes, but it wasn't like this.
"Is it because I'm married now?" Narcissa asked softly, looking up at her. It was the only thing that made sense for such a dramatic shift, when she had been expecting this kind of behavior to come gradually. "Are you afraid that if you don't treat me right, you're going to lose me?"
Bellatrix's eyes flashed. "I would never let that waste take you away from me—!"
"No, you wouldn't," Narcissa agreed softly, her fingers trailing gently down her sister's arms before she allowed their fingers to tangle together again, pulling her a little closer as she looked into her eyes, knowing the difference. "But you'd let me walk away."
Bellatrix steeled her jaw and said nothing, but that was okay, because Narcissa already knew.
"With the madness gone, you've been seeing me differently, seeing our relationship differently," Narcissa told her. "It's why you felt guilty; why you felt you had to walk away in order to realize the true value of what you gave up. You finally grew to care for me, and you didn't want me to be involved in something that could be toxic to my well-being."
Bellatrix lightly rolled her eyes at that, downplaying the intensity of Narcissa's assessment as she defended herself with, "I've always cared for you, Cissy; don't make it seem like—"
"Not like this," Narcissa responded softly, gently squeezing her sister's hands in her own to try to combat the woman's innate defensiveness. "Never like this. You possessed me, Bella; you didn't take care of me. But you… you do now, you're trying to and I—" Her breathing hitched in her throat, emotion in her voice despite making a great effort not to cry again. "I love you for that, more than you could ever possibly know. I love that you'd let me walk away from you, even if I never believe I will; it proves you care for me, rather than just the love that I can give to you."
Bellatrix took a shuddered inhale of breath, looking a little defeated by her sister's words; by Narcissa's acceptance and need of this side of her, as it no doubt would have been easier for Bellatrix if she was able to revert back to this uncaring, unsympathetic human being. She exhaled the breath she seemed to have been holding then, gently resting her forehead against the blonde's before a long pause followed.
"I can't have you leave me, Cissy," she finally admitted, seemingly loathed to admit that Narcissa was right, yet expressing the truth of her feelings all the same. "I can't. You're the only thing worth anything to me, and you're finally trying to be—to be fucking normal and healthy and shit, and I can't screw it up. I don't want you to crave the pain I gave you anymore; I can't make you fall apart again. I'm so fucking sick of breaking everything that I touch, and you've always been the most fragile thing in my life."
While Narcissa wasn't fond of being considered 'fragile', she knew that wasn't the point; in the end, the only thing that mattered right then was the fact that Bellatrix was finally putting her first. Beyond that, nothing else mattered.
"You know I'll always immerse myself in anything you give me, Bellatrix…" Narcissa breathed, needing her to understand the depth of her love for her. "I became a masochist to feed your sadism, and I know it's screwed up but I'd do it all again. I'll always be anything you need from me, Bella, but… but thank you," she expressed, reaching up to brush a fallen piece of hair from her sister's eyes, "for finally trying to be what I need."
"I have to," Bellatrix whispered, looking down at her like she was the only thing she could ever see in this world. "I have to bloody try for once, even though I know I'll fuck it up eventually; even though I know it'll all go to shit because of who I am, I need you to know that I—"
"I know," Narcissa told her fiercely, passionately; knowing just as well that it was doubtful things would ever stay this way between them, as there wasn't a guarantee that Bellatrix's sanity would stay with her. But for now, she appreciated her trying more than anything else, and she wanted to immerse herself in that feeling; savor it, remember it, because she knew Bellatrix was doing this because she loved her. "Bella, I know…"
She cupped her face then, their lips meeting in an emotional kiss that stole the breath from Narcissa's lungs as Bellatrix grasped for her. Her back hit the far wall and she released a loud gasp that was swallowed by her sister's tongue as Bellatrix sought to drink up all that she was, despite having known for so long that she had always existed for her alone. "I've missed you," Bellatrix admitted through heated kisses, her breathing labored and heavy against her skin. "You're all I ever bloody think about, Cissy…"
Narcissa exhaled a long moan as Bellatrix's mouth wrapped around the base of her neck, her fingers fisting in tight curls as she allowed her eyes to fall closed. "Make love to me, Bella; please…" she begged, her body aching to be closer to the one person who was part of her soul. The last time they were together was over a year ago, when they had nearly torn down a house with their passion, and while Lucius kept her sated, it just wasn't the same. She needed her.
"Your door doesn't lock—"
"I don't care."
"Don't be reckless, Cissy," Bellatrix hissed in her ear, her voice causing a violent shiver to run down the blonde's spine as she grasped for her. Bellatrix had always been her rock amongst a sea of chaos, even if most of that chaos originated from her alone. "All I bloody want to do is undress you right now, but I don't know how long I have. If Rodolphus comes looking for us…"
"Bella, please," Narcissa breathed, the words being etched across her sister's skin as her fingertips trailed down the curvature of her jaw, coaxing Bellatrix to look at her. She knew she sounded desperate, but she needed something positive in her life right now; she needed to feel loved, needed, desired, for that's what made her feel stronger. She needed to be strong in here, for both of them, so she could leave this place and they could be together forever.
"It's been too long since you've touched me," Narcissa whispered across her lips, her teeth gently biting the soft flesh of her bottom one before she continued, catching her gaze once more, "It's been too long since you've felt how wet I get for you; how badly I'm begging for you to be inside me…"
"Jesus fucking—fuck," Bellatrix swore as she banged her forehead against the blonde's in defeat, causing a slow smirk to etch itself across Narcissa's face; she knew exactly what that would do to her. And maybe it was reckless, maybe it was foolish, but she didn't know when the next time she would see Bellatrix would be, and she would be damned if she let her walk away without giving her something to hold on to first.
"Fuck, fine, just—" Bellatrix tried, turning briefly around to glance worriedly at the closed doors behind them before she spun Narcissa around, causing her back to be the one towards the door now as she wrapped her in an embrace. "Pretend you're hugging me, yeah? Don't make it obvious; this way I can watch the door and we've got a reason we're this close to each other if someone bursts in on us."
And maybe it wasn't the most romantic thing in the world, and could probably never be filed under the blanket term of 'making love' when at most what would transpire between them would be a quick screw up against the hospital wall, but Narcissa took what she could get anyway as she wrapped her arms around her neck and held her sister flush to her body.
Her robes bunched at the front as Bellatrix slipped her hand beneath them, causing Narcissa to groan against the skin of her sister's neck as she felt fingers slip beneath her knickers, quickly becoming greeted by soft, warm flesh as she parted the girl's folds. Fingernails scraped against the nape of the brunette's neck as only a singular finger explored her depths, Bellatrix apparently content on driving her to bloody madness when she was already gushing from the mere sight of her.
But then it was gone, stolen from her so quickly that Narcissa whined in protest, only to have that sound be ripped from her in surprise as she was suddenly encouraged backwards a full step. Bellatrix held up her hand in offering, her middle finger slick with arousal and Narcissa wasted no time bringing it into her mouth, causing Bellatrix's wicked smirk to falter as her eyes blackened in lust and her breathing shallowed at just the sight of Narcissa's purposefully erotic showing of her tongue.
"I thought you didn't want us to make it obvious," she breathed against her skin, her lips covering her sister's palm, the inside of her wrist. She sounded like she was poking fun at her (which she was, just a little) and Bellatrix ripped her hand away from her mouth, only to have it fist in Narcissa's robes as she forcefully pulled the girl back towards her.
"You fuck me up, Cissy," Bellatrix told her breathlessly, and it would almost sound like an accusation if she didn't sound as though she enjoyed every second of it. "And all I want right now is to fuck you into the sodding ground; make you scream and curse and claw and beg for me not to stop…" Narcissa's insides clenched violently at those words, her own hands fisting in the fabric of her sister's robes as she groaned desperately. "But we… we just fucking can't." It sounded regrettable, almost angry, as if Bellatrix blamed the world for not allowing her to have what she wanted so desperately. "That shit I just did was stupid, but I sodding miss it, miss you. But if we get caught—"
"I know," Narcissa whispered, her lips just mere inches from her sister's before she looked at her regrettably, and nestled her head back into the crook of her neck and threw her arms around her once more. "I'll be good, I promise; I won't make a sound."
Bellatrix pressed her lips to her ear then as her hand got lost beneath her sister's robes once more, promising her in a low breath, "When you get out of here, I promise I'll fuck you properly; with a bed of bloody fucking rose petals or whatever that romantic shit you get off on is, alright? I'll take care of you, Cissy; I swear to it. Make you come twelve times and then make you beg to come twelve more…"
"I know," Narcissa whispered, her fingers curling into her sister's hair as she felt her sister put pressure on her clit. She had to purse her lips in order to not make a sound, but when she believed she could handle it she allowed herself to repeat, "I know, Bella; I know…" against the crook of her sister's neck, her breathing uneven and ragged as Bellatrix sought to pull pleasure from her center and gasps from her lips.
Because she did know; Narcissa did know that Bellatrix was trying now to make her happy, to make her feel content and loved and needed. And perhaps in the end it was still selfish of her, as Narcissa doubted Bellatrix could handle the thought of being without her, but it didn't matter. Narcissa would take what she could get, and this was so much sodding better than what she had been allotted before.
It didn't take long. She gasped and shuddered as she came against her sister's fingers, her whole body shaking with the force of her orgasm as she sunk her nails into Bellatrix's shoulders and her teeth into her neck to keep herself quiet. And there was a moment, one singular bleeding moment where it seemed everything might be alright, but it shattered when she heard the door to her room being wrenched open.
"Bellatrix!" Rodolphus snapped, causing fear to choke in Narcissa's throat as she didn't dare move from her sister's embrace. "What the bloody hell did I tell you?"
Bellatrix though, to her credit, didn't falter. She just looked at her husband over her sister's shoulder, holding Narcissa closer to her body as she shot back, "What, I can't hold my bleeding sister as she cries now?!" And thankfully, Narcissa had enough sense to pretend as though she was exhaling a sob, thankful that Rodolphus couldn't see her flushed cheeks and parted lips as her back was firmly faced towards him.
Bellatrix cradled the back of her head then, shouting at her husband, "Piss off; it's your sodding fault that I wasn't here for her before now. She's having a shit time and I'm trying to help her, so do us a favor and give us some fucking space for one bloody second."
Narcissa couldn't see the look on his face, but she was certain it wasn't good. Silence stretched on as they stared at one another, a battle of wills before Rodolphus apparently broke and snapped, "You have five minutes," as he practically slammed the door in his wake. Narcissa felt like she was going to collapse as her sister pulled away from her.
"Bella, I'm—I'm so sorry; I shouldn't have made you—!"
"Shh, hey; it's fine," Bellatrix assured her, grasping her sister's face in her hands to try to make her calm down, because Narcissa looked as though she were about five seconds from breaking completely. She had been so foolish; selfish and reckless and she shouldn't have been. "He's a wank who doesn't know his head from his arse; he doesn't know what we were doing."
"Are you sure?" Narcissa asked softly, her voice suddenly so very small and childlike as she looked up at her eldest sister. She didn't want to be the cause of her life falling to pieces. Not now, not for something like this; not when they had finally had a chance of being happy. She couldn't bear to see that ripped away from them so soon.
"The git thought we cast muffliato in your bedroom just so we could sodding torture each other for kicks, Cissy; he's as daft as a bloody lamp post."
Narcissa pursed her lips, but said nothing. A part of her feared Rodolphus only accused them of that because it was easier to say out loud than what they were really doing; safer, in the long run, to accuse them of being sadistic towards one another rather than incestuous. He knew Bellatrix would flay him alive if he ever accused her of such heinous things and was wrong; she might flay him alive if he did solely because he was right.
Still…
"What did he mean then, when he said 'what did he tell you'?" Because it sounded to her like he already knew and had said something to her, and that prospect caused rocks to inhabit the pit of her stomach as she feared he would tell Lucius.
But Bellatrix just rolled her eyes, brushing it off with a wave of her hand. "He told me I needed to stop fawning all over you; whatever the hell that means."
"…It means he thinks you give me too much affection."
Which, in the end, didn't sound good either. And perhaps it was ridiculous, how frightened this thing with Rodolphus made her because Narcissa knew that on some level he already suspected, but she desperately needed to keep it at just that, a suspicion, because the moment it became truth would be the moment everything fell apart.
"Screw him; not my bloody fault he can't be arsed to hug his own brother every once in a while."
Narcissa pursed her lips again though, worry etching across her features and catching Bellatrix's attention. "Hey," she tried, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Don't worry about him, yeah? You know that if he ever finds out that I'll make his death look like a horrible accident. Lucius will never know."
"I know," Narcissa whispered softly, because she was more than aware of the death her sister was willing to cause in order to protect her. Roxanne was her first victim, their parents her last. If Rodolphus continued to pry, Narcissa had no doubt he would meet an untimely end as well, but she didn't want that. She just wanted everyone to leave her alone.
But Bellatrix just pulled her into a side-hug, kissing her forehead. "I gotta go; if I keep doddling Rodolphus is gonna end up birthing a bloody cow in the middle of the waiting room." She released her then, and their gaze caught as Narcissa looked up at her and Bellatrix tangled her sister's fingers in her own. "But I'll be back, okay? So just… eat; talk to the fucking shrinks, whatever you gotta do to get better, yeah? I want you out of here."
Narcissa nodded, silently promising to do whatever she could to expedite the process. She didn't want to be in here anymore either; she wanted to be home, with Bellatrix, making love atop that bed of rose petals that she promised her, even though she had no idea how they would ever be able to get that kind of time alone. But it didn't matter; in the end she knew they would make it work, because this was the first time either of them were really willing to try to find happiness within each other, rather than an obsessive dependence on the love and pain that they craved. And Narcissa prayed, silently, to any God that would listen, that this time things would finally work out for them.
Unfortunately, it didn't seem the Gods answered the prayers of sinners.
TBC…