CHAPTER 5

"Cause you are the piece of me

I wish I didn't need

Chasing relentlessly

Still fight, and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?

If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?"

Last chapter...

"Sorry? For what, Pipes? Are you telling me you were trying to get beaten to a pulp?"

Even without being able to see, it wasn't difficult for Piper to picture Alex's face, eyebrow up, a cute little frown on the middle of her forehead and piercing blue eyes.

"No, not that. For earlier, for Larry. For coming to you with my problems now."

The hand that was on her hair was suddenly gone as Alex disappeared from her side.

Piper called her name several times, though it was no use. She heard scrambling noises, gasps and Nicky calling Alex's name. Then silence. At least the background buzzing that she had grown so accustomed to that it was like silence. It weighted like silence.

Not being able to see brought a wave of panic she couldn't fight. Her face was a mask of fire and her whole body ached but it was nothing compared to her heart. She shouldn't have opened her damn mouth. She shouldn't have reminded Alex of the whole Larry deal. Who was she kidding? Piper was starting to realize that maybe she shouldn't be alive.

She touched the wall on her side to try and gauge how far she was from it and turned to face it, coming as close as she could. She hadn't cried when Pennsatucky beat her up with her fists or with words she couldn't help but feel were true. She hadn't cried when she thought she would die and everything she was or had been or would be was going to end in that dirty shed, in a prison in Litchfield.

Now she cried. Tears were silent though - she barely felt them on her swollen, busted face or had the power to stop them either – keeping a steady stream that wet the pillow. Despite the pain on her body, she felt an irresistible, pulling numbness. All panic and desperation were gone, leaving behind the feeling that she was underwater, unable to float, just lost in space and time. Like a switch was clicked, she let exhaustion drive her under. It was finally time to let go… If she had to be alone, now was the time to cut all the ties. No more bullshit. She would be invisible and not bother anyone else with her crap. She was tired of fighting – feelings, people, emotions, with herself – of living. It was time that she just existed. She had done it before.

Alex ran. She left the dorm and ran towards she didn't know where, away from Piper and a thousand demons. Nicky was hot on her heels and though Maxwell called a "No running, inmates", it was half-hearted and she never came after them. The whole prison seemed to be deep into Christmas spirit or maybe eggnog. The first counting was done earlier by O'Neill, who never blinked at Piper on Alex's bunk and just clicked away.

Well, Santa Claus was curve balling Alex like a motherfucker and Christmas Spirit could go fuck itself. She slammed a hand against a door and rushed inside. Her body bent at the waist and she gagged. Light was turned on by Nicky, who came in the supply closet right after her and closed the door.

"Well, fuck Vause. If you must have me running after you, you should at least warn me first. My thighs are fucking burning!"

"She…she said…she said she's sorry. She's FUCKING sorry!"

Alex pointed a finger towards the door, pulling at her hair.

"Oi. Back up. Only dogs can understand you. Who said what with the who?"

Nicky placed a hand on her shoulder. Alex laughed, without mirth. It turned into a sob.

"Piper. She said she was sorry. About Larry. About coming to me with her problems. She was talking about being fucking beaten and bothering me with it. Can… can you… She…"

Nicky sighed, finally catching the underlines of that particular conversation. Alex's back hit the wall as she slid slowly down, placed both her elbows on her bent knees and cupped her head in her hands. She felt the other woman sit next to her and assume the same position.

"Vause. You're running with this shit here, lesbian. What's wrong with Chapman being sorry? She was a bitch and she should apologize for it. Getting beaten doesn't change that, does it?"

Alex's head whipped up and she stared at Nicky all murderous eyes and blotched face. But her friend had her head titled to the side, as if she really wanted an answer.

"You gotta stop with this lesbian "The L Word" crap. Seriously. You guys were doing good and then out of nowhere one of you shits everything up and we have enough anguish to make the whole female population of Litchfield start ovulating. She loves you, you love her and all that crap. Start being a couple and stop sabotaging one another, for fucks sake! I'm tired of this drama bullshit."

The room was silent as Alex contemplated Nicky's words. She knew every single thing she'd said was true. But Alex couldn't help but feeling guilty. Despite having been hurt by Piper with the whole "I choose Larry" bullshit, deep down she knew that she should have never named her. More than that, she should have never made her carry that stupid suitcase in the first place. It was over between them the moment she turned the love of her life into a goddamn mule. And that was her share of the blame pie, which was getting bigger by the minute. Who better than herself to understand the depth of Piper's issues? Hadn't she been the one who had so self-assuredly, told her in the bathroom – life-times ago – that she was the one who really knew her?

So fuck if she shouldn't have realized that whole conversation about their relationship out of prison was bound to make Piper run for the hills. And damn if, deep down inside she hadn't wanted to test her.

"You have issues, Vause. Work them out together. No more Nicky goodness for you, though."

Alex half-laughed, half-sobbed and they assumed a position really similar to the one in the library ages before.

When they returned to the dorm, the lights were almost out and Alex rushed to her cube. Piper was still on her bunk, curled towards the wall, looking diminished and sick.

Her heart did a roll inside her chest and dropped to her feet.

Nicky gave Alex a pointed look and went to talk to Morello for a bit before lights out. She didn't say anything but she would also go to Daya and offer her a shitload of Commissary snacks to convince Bennett – on bubble duty that night – to let her change places with Alex and maybe, those two, sharing a cube, would be able to make the damn thing work and stop making everyone feel like they were watching a goddam train wreck on slow motion.

While Nicky was being the softie nobody pegged her for, Alex approached her bunk and knelt on the floor by Piper's head. She placed one hand on her back and the other on her hair and dropped her forehead next to her blonde hair. She could still smell the blood and it made her nervous. Just the thought of Piper's blood, on her clothes, her jacket, made her want to gather the other woman close and chain herself to her in a way that she would never again be able to leave her sight and she'd always be able to protect her.

Piper moaned in her sleep while trying to turn on her other side and Alex cursed under her breath. The hand that was on Piper's hair cupped the back of her head and worked as a pillow when she was finally able to curl herself facing Alex.

Her eyes looked horrible and Alex tried not to think about what they'd do if she'd had some sort of cornea damage. She wouldn't go there. Her heartstrings could absolutely not take another pull today. It was impossible for her to think about Piper's incredible blue orbs, blind.

She dropped her forehead to Piper's and marveled on her warmth. After shivering and almost shattering her teeth from the shakes, she had finally lost the blue tinge on her lips. They had dressed her into Alex's clothes, not wanting to wait and she looked cute with oversized pants and socks, Alex's coat going all the way to the middle of her thighs.

The cut on her upper lip had stopped bleeding and a soft scab was already forming. That was good. Silently, Alex took inventory of all of Piper's injuries, memorizing them by heart and vowing to keep a close look on her for the next days. When she was better they would talk and figure things out. For now she just wanted to forget the vision of Piper and that pool of blood and that awful feeling she had got when she thought that she was dead, that her life had just turned a sick tinge of grey as her world was turned upside down and then back up again.