A/N: I'd like to apologize for how long you all had to wait for an update on this story. I'm so happy to be back to writing, and the overwhelming amount of support and love from you readers has made me more ready than ever to get back to updating.

Today's song is
Apocalyptica: Not Strong Enough
(Here's the link on youtube: watch?v=1MdOXtTlE3Y)

I'm not strong enough to stay away.
Can't run from you.
I just run back to you.

Bickslow silently closed the door to Lucy's apartment and put his key back into his pocket while kicking his shoes off. He sent a mental call out to his babies and found that they were still in her bedroom, exactly where he'd left them the night before when they'd gotten back from his mission with his team and Laxus.

He'd taken one look at her sleeping face lit by a thin shaft of moonlight and he knew, right then and there, that it had been so worth it to stay with his team and trust in them. They'd helped him stay sober, and they'd all worked together to finish the job. He'd really done it without using. He'd been able to get through that horrible fucking experience, finding out his mother was still alive, and he'd stayed sober.

And as he tiptoed through the apartment in the early morning, hearing that she was still peacefully sleeping from his babies, Bickslow also knew that he'd do anything to keep this sort of calm serenity in his life.

He removed his visor and set it on the dining table, tightening his grip on the little pink bakery box he'd brought back home.

Sleep hadn't been easy to come by the night before. Even knowing that he was home with Lucy, he hadn't been able to get comfortable on the couch. Bickslow had even tried to exercise for a bit just to burn off some extra energy. He'd taken another shower and ate a little midnight snack, brushed his teeth again. And still, he hadn't been able to get even a wink of shut-eye. So he'd decided a walk was in order. He'd left his babies with Lucy and slipped out of the apartment, and he'd spent the whole night just walking. And thinking.

Those two things really weren't all that great a combination for him, considering his track record, but he'd been able to stay sober even while he was out at night. Mostly because he'd just kept walking around the block over and over again until the sun was about to rise. He didn't go anywhere near the shady side of town where a dealer might be. He'd stayed right there in the neighborhood where he couldn't be tempted even a little bit.

Like a moth I'm drawn into your flame.
Say my name,
But it's not the same.

And when he'd smelled the still-baking breads and desserts from a bakery, Bickslow had decided that he wanted to surprise his girlfriend with breakfast in bed.

With a secretive smile, he crept through the silent apartment and down the hall to her bedroom. The door was still open - the way she preferred it - so he was able to see her sprawled across the bed, with her hair tangled over the pillows and one foot dangling off the edge. The blanket was mostly on the floor. He almost laughed at the sight before him, but that would have woken her up. He didn't want that just yet.

Bickslow nodded in greeting to his babies where they'd perched themselves on her windowsill, then walked into the room. He set the bakery box on her nightstand. Just as he was about to lean over and brush her hair out of her face, he saw something in her hand. A small wooden trinket that he didn't recognize right away. The longer he stared at it, the more familiar it became until it dawned on him that she was holding onto the bird he'd carved for her. It felt like it had been ages since he'd seen that little bit of polished wood - when he'd tried to break up with her and had been dead set on leaving this whole life in Fairy Tail behind.

The technicality that it had been seven years since then didn't matter to him.

Bickslow couldn't help the smile that stretched across his lips the longer he looked at her. Slowly, being careful not to wake her, he pulled the bird from her lax grip and set it on the nightstand as well. His fingers feathered across her forehead, pulling her hair away from her face so he could see her more fully.

God, she was beautiful, even with her mouth hanging open and the smallest bit of drool collected on the corner of her lips. He leaned down and brought his lips to her forehead, then her cheek, leaving small kisses in his wake.

"Good morning, baby," he breathed against the shell of her ear.

Lucy hummed quietly and turned her head toward the sound of his voice, a sleepy smile barely pulling at her lips. "Bixy?"

"I'm home." Her smile widened even further, and he couldn't help himself. He pressed a tender kiss to her lips, morning breath be damned. And when she kissed him back with more intensity than he would have thought her capable of so soon after waking up, he didn't mind it one bit. Especially not when her arms wrapped around his shoulders and she dragged him closer, forcing him to crawl onto the bed with her while keeping their lips connected.

"Sober?"

He drew back just enough to speak. "Hundred percent." He groaned when she kissed him harder. Her hands slid down his chest to his stomach, then to the bottom hem of his shirt. He loved how it felt to have her fingers brushing against his skin as they dove beneath his shirt.

"Mm, so proud… of you," she breathed between kisses. His cheeks flushed slightly, even as his tongue gently teased her lips apart. And just like every other time they kissed like this, he was instantly lost in everything that was Lucy. He ached to touch her the way she was touching him, moving her hands so greedily across his chest and stomach and back, kneading his muscles as she pleased.

His shirt was in her way though, so he propped himself up on his knees and grabbed the back of it, ripping his mouth from hers just long enough to get the offending fabric over his head and tossed to the floor. She giggled when he dove right back into kissing her, making him smile once more as he gently nibbled on her lower lip.

Bickslow hadn't expected one of her legs to curl around his hip and drag him closer, but he definitely wasn't going to fight it. If this was what Lucy wanted, then he was going to give her just that. And she didn't seem satisfied until his hips ground against hers and his bare chest was pressed tightly against the faded green nightshirt she was wearing.

A large part of him started to wonder, as her fingers threaded through his hair, if this was just a dream. Maybe he'd actually been able to finally fall asleep on the couch, and this was what he was dreaming about. He was going to wake up with a raging fucking boner if that was the case. Especially if this Dream-Lucy moved against his steadily growing erection like that again.

But maybe it wasn't a dream. That soft moan of hers was too real as his hand slid across her hip and up to cup her full breast for the first time, unhindered by a bra.

If it wasn't a dream, maybe he was just hallucinating. It wouldn't be the first time he'd thought he was with Lucy. But that would mean he was high, right? And he couldn't remember shooting up. He didn't feel like he'd shot up either. And he'd been sleeping sort of regularly, so sleep deprivation wasn't an issue.

Still, he pulled back on a gasp and looked down at her. Because the last time he'd been feeling a woman up and kissing her like this, he'd been hallucinating, and it hadn't been Lucy in his arms at all. It had been Felicia. And the last thing he wanted was to find out that he'd made the same mistake again.

"Why'd you stop?" she panted.

Her kiss-swollen lips were so luscious and tempting. "This is real, right?" he asked. He had to know this was actually happening. His thumb slid over her breast, and he watched in amazement as her eyes fluttered closed when he lightly toyed with her pebbled nipple. "I'm not imagining shit?"

"It's real," she breathed. Her back arched into his touch and she gripped his hair, dragging him back down into a fiery kiss that curled his toes.

"You're not hallucinating," Papa silently told him.

"But you should probably take your belt off," Pipi said.

"Yeah, if you're gonna dry hump her like that, the belt has to go," Popo agreed. "There is such a thing as bad chafing. And belt buckles are a serious mood killer."

It took a great amount of willpower to remove his hand from her perfect breast, but he finally did and reached down to quickly unbuckle his belt.

"Bix-"

"Just the belt," he said, his words rushed as he moved to kiss her again with a soft groan. He didn't even bother with taking his belt off entirely before grinding himself shamelessly against her. There was no point. He just needed the buckle out of the way so it didn't dig into her. "Fuck…"

You look in my eyes.
I'm stripped of my pride.

She whimpered against his lips, tightening her leg around his undulating hips. For a moment, he wondered if she wanted him to stop. Except then she was moving with him, curling her hips up to meet his and using the friction of his pants against her lacy underwear to drive him absolutely insane with need.

He wouldn't push for more though. Unless Lucy tried to take more of his clothes off, he was absolutely fine with this.

"Mm, Bix," she moaned.

Fuck, he was more than fine with just dry-humping his girlfriend if she was going to make noises like that. He wasn't really sure what had gotten into her, why she would suddenly be willing to do this with him when they'd hardly done anything more than kiss and cuddle with each other. But he wasn't about to stop and ask her twenty questions just to find the answer either.

"Shit," he groaned, running the full length of his clothed erection against her.

Later. He could ask questions later on.

Her quiet moans heightened in pitch, and he felt her trembling against him. She didn't scream his name loud enough to wake the neighbors. Lucy simply clutched herself to him and allowed him to roll his hips in short bursts that had her body locking up. He could feel the tension in her winding tighter as her fingers anchored themselves on his shoulders. He pulled back from kissing her to just look into her eyes, to soak in how utterly perfect she was as her brows furrowed and her head tipped back on a sharp gasp.

And when she smiled in utter bliss and whispered his name, her voice quivering just like her thighs as they tightened around his hips, he was a goner.

And my soul surrenders,
And you bring my heart to its knees.

Something deep within him was shaken by seeing her like this, knowing he'd been the one to do it. He'd never been with a woman while sober. He'd never seen someone look so… peaceful while in his arms. His head dropped to her shoulder and he peppered her throat with soft kisses as pleasure swirled in the base of his spine. He groaned quietly as he ground against her a final time, and white hot ecstasy burst behind his tightly clamped eyes.

He didn't even care that he'd just jizzed all over his boxers. Not when he felt her hands gently massaging his back. It felt absolutely disgusting, but he just didn't give a shit. Because this had been the last thing he'd expected to happen when he'd had the idea to bring her some breakfast.

"Well, good morning to you too," she giggled. He smiled against her throat and kissed her pounding pulse one more time.

"I brought you breakfast."

"Is that what I smell?"

"I dunno," he chuckled. "All I smell is my yummy Cosplayer." He lifted his head to smile down at her, watching as her eyes slid open slowly.

Lucy bit her lower lip, seemingly nervous for only a fleeting moment, then leaned up to kiss him again. "Y'know, I thought I was dreaming."

He arched a brow and drew back a little more to look at her flushed cheeks. "Huh?"

Lucy wriggled her hips against his, reminding him that his boxers were still wet and sticky and fucking warm. "This. I thought I was dreaming at first."

He blinked in surprise at that. Honestly, he hadn't thought she would have dreams like this about the two of them. Well, he'd never really considered what Lucy might dream about, but if he had considered it, Bickslow was positive that them dry-humping wouldn't have even crossed his mind. "Oh," he muttered. He wasn't really sure what to say to that, though.

She bit her lips again, glancing off to the windowsill to look at his babies. "I'm… glad it wasn't a dream."

"Oh?"

When Lucy looked back at him, Bickslow was smirking down at her. He couldn't help it. He felt much the same way. He was immensely thankful that this hadn't all been a dream. Mostly because he was getting tired of having to jerk off in the shower to thoughts of his far too tempting girlfriend.

"Oh my god, you're such a pervert," she laughed, lightly smacking his chest.

He laughed along with her, his tongue hanging from his mouth just a little bit. Finally, he pulled away completely and sat up on his knees. Lucy took a minute to stretch, and his gaze trailed down from her face to the green t-shirt she'd worn to bed with a design that was too faded to decipher. Down further to the sliver of skin just above her panties that was visible as her shirt rode up. And then her pale blue panties and her slender thighs, still spread from when he'd been kneeling between them.

Fuck, he was a lucky bastard.

"Well," he said, forcing his gaze back up to her face, "You stay here and have some delicious breakfast in bed, courtesy of your awesome boyfriend-"

Lucy laughed and rolled her eyes at him.

"-And I'll just go and wash up before my clothes get any more stuck to my junk."

She laughed harder while he stood from the bed and left the room. Bickslow made his way to the living room where his boxes were still stacked along one wall, and rifled through the first one he came across. He found a pair of boxers and some shorts, then turned back to head to the bathroom.

It was while he was in the shower just a few short minutes later, scrubbing the loofah over his chest and under his arms that he felt a pinprick of pain in his armpit. He frowned and looked down, rinsing the bubbles away from the dark blue hairs under his arm. And then he found it.

A puncture. A needle-sized puncture right there in his armpit. It was fresh, too. He had enough experience with injecting himself to know that it was less than a day old. Only a few hours, really.

And it's killin' me when you're away.
I wanna leave and I wanna stay.

When the hell had he…

His breath rushed from his lungs as he thought back through his night. He honestly couldn't remember when he'd done it. When he'd even found a dealer to buy shit from since Axel had been killed. He just didn't remember, and he couldn't ask his babies about it. They hadn't been with him. He'd set them down on Lucy's windowsill when they'd gotten home and…

He'd made it so they couldn't move. He remembered that. But he'd been getting ready to go to sleep himself, so it hadn't mattered all that much. He doubted they'd even noticed.

But then he'd left the apartment and gone walking around the block. All Bickslow remembered was walking around the neighborhood. He didn't stop anywhere. He didn't duck into any alleys, looking for drugs. The only time he'd strayed from that circuit was when he'd smelled the bakery preparing its goods for the day.

He'd… He'd gone down a side street. He remembered that. It was faster that way.

Had he met someone in that alley, then? Had he really bought more drugs? If so, why wasn't he flying as high as he usually did?

No, it wasn't possible. Bickslow knew. He knew that he'd stayed clean. This wasn't from a needle. It had to be from something else, because he would remember buying the drugs and crouching down somewhere to pull his belt off and shoot up. He would remember that rush, that heady, sensual experience of liquid lightning in his veins.

He'd questioned whether what had happened with Lucy was real, so who was to say that this weird little puncture under his armpit wasn't from something else? Maybe he'd been bitten by something while trudging through the woods in that village, searching for a ghost or something else. It could have been a flea or a leech or some other kind of bullshit little parasite.

Yeah, that was it. He hadn't really shot up at all.

Bickslow took a shaky breath and kept washing himself, though he was moving a little faster through the motions than he had been before. He just wanted to get back out to Lucy and be with her, because if he was with her then he would be able to believe that he hadn't shot up. If she was beside him, he could remind himself that what had happened between them was real, and that he wasn't losing his mind. He wasn't remembering things wrong.

He washed and rinsed his hair quickly and shut off the shower, then rushed through drying himself off. He needed to get back out to Lucy. He needed to find a way to ground himself, because this sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach was the same feeling he got when he was about to rush out and shoot up. And he didn't want that.

Bickslow got dressed and put his hand on the doorknob, then stopped. He needed to breathe. He needed to go back into her room, and he needed to be calm about it. Because if he went running in there like a demon was trying to eat his asshole, Lucy would flip the hell out. He just had to relax a little bit.

"Bix, I hope you're coming out soon," Lucy said. He could hear her smiling. "Or else I'll eat all of these doughnuts you brought."

He smiled then. She liked what he'd bought for her. "Save me one," he called back, opening the bathroom door. He kicked his discarded pants toward the hamper and walked out of the bathroom, not noticing the half-empty syringe that peeked out of a hidden pocket.

And I'm so confused,
So hard to choose
Between the pleasure and the pain.

Halfway through the day, Bickslow realized that he had, in fact, shot up. He hadn't slept the night before, but he wasn't exhausted. No, he had too much energy and it was taking every bit of his willpower to keep it to himself. He couldn't let Lucy know that he'd slipped. He didn't even remember doing it, but the signs were there.

And when he went into the bathroom to brush his teeth after lunch, he'd seen his pants from the night before still sitting on the floor. Lucy hadn't picked them up and put them in the hamper. It wasn't like he expected her to do it for him. He'd just forgotten to do it himself. So he brushed his teeth, used mouthwash, flossed, brushed them one more time just to be sure they were clean, and finally turned to pick up his pants. He didn't see the syringe right away. Not until it fell to the floor. And as soon as the light caught on the glass, he couldn't deny it any longer. He'd used again.

And there was still some left over. Was that what he'd done? He hadn't used everything at once? Had he just shot up a little bit to take the edge off, so he wouldn't have to feel his withdrawal kicking his ass on a constant basis?

Bickslow knew it was stupid. He knew he fucking shouldn't do it. He should have called Lucy into the bathroom and asked her to get rid of it. He should have just told her that he'd slipped a little, showed her that he could be honest with her. He knew she'd help him stop and get clean again. He could start fresh.

But that was always the worst part. Starting all over again. He'd have to come down again. He'd have to go through withdrawal again. And he'd have to live with the fact that he'd fucked up. Again.

No wonder his mother had left him behind. She'd known he was a fuck-up and cut her losses. She left him to die in that nuthouse in Pergrande, had come to Fiore and made a new life and new family for herself. And she seemed like she was happy now. Happy without her piece of shit son in her life.

He didn't want to pick up the needle and roll it between his fingers. He didn't want to think about how he must have considered how he could hide the evidence from Lucy. She knew that he injected shit into his arms. He was scarred enough for it to be pretty fucking obvious. But if he did it somewhere else… She wouldn't know.

But not right now. He was still feeling alright. He didn't need it just yet. He hadn't started coming down yet, and if he used right then, he wouldn't be able to hide the telltale signs. He'd have too much energy. He'd be a little too hyper.

Bickslow knew now, how different he was when he was sober. If he was going to do this, then he had to make sure he kept up that façade. He was going to get clean, but he couldn't do it cold turkey. If he just shot up less than what he normally did, he could wean himself off of it until he just didn't need to use it anymore. And if Lucy did find out, he could explain it to her. Maybe she'd understand what he was trying to do. He just wanted to make it a little easier on himself. That was all.

So, he looked around the bathroom for a place he could hide the syringe. It had to be a place that she wouldn't search. Somewhere that no one would ever think to look. Not under the sink or in the medicine cabinet. He didn't even know what was in her medicine cabinet, but he was sure that she actually used it for medicine. Like a normal person.

But the toilet… Not inside the tank. There was too much moisture in there, and he didn't have a plastic baggie to put the syringe in to keep water from getting to it. The last thing he wanted was for mold to start growing on it if he left it for too long.

But taped to the back of the toilet… Yes. Lucy wouldn't look back there. And he wouldn't have to try and silently take off the lid for the tank and hope that it didn't knock against anything while he dealt with the needle. All he needed was something that could stick it back there… Tape. He needed tape.

And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right.
Even if I try to win the fight.

"Hey, Lucy?" he called out. Bickslow tucked the syringe into the band of his shorts, just in case she came anywhere near the bathroom. He opened the door and popped his head out into the hallway. "Do you have bandaids?"

"Yeah," she called from the kitchen. She rounded the corner a minute later with a smile. "They're under the sink in the first aid kit."

"Cool."

"Everything alright?"

He gave her a sheepish grin while using his thumb to scratch along his forearm until he felt the skin split just a little. "I scratched my arm a bit too hard. I'll be alright. Just couldn't find them."

She nodded slowly, understanding shining in her eyes. "Mmkay, well, if you need help, bring it out here alright? I'm gonna put on The Little Mermaid for your babies."

He chuckled and rolled his eyes. "You spoil them," he said while shutting the door. It was true with himself though too. She spoiled him just as much.

Still, he had things to do and he couldn't waste time thinking about anything aside from getting the bandaids from under the sink. He pulled out two of them from the first aid kit, and used the first to deal with the scratch he'd put on his arm. If Lucy checked, she needed to see that he'd really scratched his arm. Once that was finished, Bickslow took the second bandaid and the syringe, then moved toward the toilet. He knelt down and pressed the syringe to the back of the tank, then pressed the adhesive of the bandaid over it and against the ceramic.

He stepped back and looked at it from several angles, even crouching down to what he assumed was Lucy's height. That had to be good enough. He'd spent enough time in the bathroom. She would get suspicious if he didn't get his ass back out there soon.

And while Bickslow wanted nothing more than to get just one more little hit of his "medicine," he knew he couldn't. Maybe he could wait until later tonight. That would be good. After she was asleep, he could do it again.

He sighed while standing upright and throwing away the bandaid wrappers, then turned toward the door. Lucy didn't need to know, and it seemed he was in the clear. His babies hadn't said a word to him about what he'd done in the bathroom, or even what he'd realized. Maybe this was one of those few times they missed what he was thinking about. If that was the case, then he was going to stop thinking about it for as long as he could.

He couldn't let his babies ruin this idea for him. They'd tell Lucy as soon as they could, and then it would be all over.

When he got to the living room, he smiled at the sight of Lucy holding all of his babies on the couch as the opening for the movie played.

"I seriously love this movie," Pupu sighed.

"It does have some really catchy music," Papa said.

Bickslow shook his head and sat down beside Lucy, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and pulling her into his side. He seriously couldn't get enough of feeling her close to him. And the fact that she didn't mind him being shirtless right then was a definite plus. His babies shifted to lie across his lap as well as hers, and Lucy's hand came up to draw small, random circles on the totem tattoo around his belly button. When he looked down at her, Bickslow found her wide brown eyes staring right up at him.

He worried for a moment if she knew what he'd been doing, but then she smiled and kissed his chest and snuggled closer while they watched the movie.

My heart would overrule my mind.
And I'm not strong enough to stay away.

Lucy walked along the path leading from the guild with Natsu and Happy by her side. She wasn't entirely sure where they were headed, but she'd promised her partner and his little Exceed companion that the day was theirs alone. They would get to have her undivided attention, and that had been a promise.

Her lacrima pulsed in her bag, and she cringed. Bickslow was the only one who called her. She could only hope that he wasn't calling for an emergency.

"Sorry," she said to Natsu when he turned toward her with a small frown. "Just a second. Promise." He nodded, and she quickly answered the call. Bickslow's visored face filled the orb as he smiled at her. "Hey, handsome."

"Hey, baby," Bickslow said. "Just wanted to check in with you. You having fun with Natsu?"

"We're just walking right now," she laughed. "What are you planning for today?"

"I called up my team. We're gonna hang down at the guild for a bit. Freed said something about a new bookstore opening up, so we might go down there."

"Ooh, would you see if there's anything I might like?" she asked.

His lips pursed in thought for a moment. "What kinda stuff would you wanna read?"

Natsu leaned over and grinned down at the lacrima. "Luce reads everything," he said. "She's the biggest nerd there is!"

"And the fattest!" Happy chimed in, earning a scowl from the blonde.

"Shut it, cat!"

Bickslow chuckled. "Maybe I can ask Freed for some pointers then, if my girlfriend's so nerdy."

She smiled down at him, catching a flash of green hair off to his side when he pulled the orb away from himself just a little. They weren't at the guild yet, but she did feel better knowing that he was already with Freed. He wasn't all by himself, going through withdrawal. That was definitely a plus. Lucy had been just a little bit worried about him when she'd left the apartment that morning without him. But she was almost always worried about Bickslow.

He'd been doing such a great job lately. His days weren't always the greatest, but he tried so hard to make it through them. She could see how much he struggled sometimes. Oddly enough, that morning they'd ended up getting just a little carried away in her bed - after he'd come back from his mission - had ended up being one of his best days yet. She wasn't entirely sure if it had anything to do with what they'd done together, but Lucy also hadn't tested it.

"Well, I just wanted to check in and let you know what I had going on," Bickslow said, drawing her attention back to his smiling face.

"Mmkay, sweetie," she said. "Remember, we're gonna meet up at home later and go out for dinner tonight."

"I remember, Cosplayer," he chuckled. "See you then."

The lacrima went dark and she put it away as she and Natsu continued walking. "So, is he doing better then?" Natsu asked softly.

"Yeah," she said. "He's not all the way better, but… He has his good days."

"That's good." Natsu sighed and put his hands behind his head as he walked. "So what else is new, Luce?"

Her brows furrowed for a moment as she looked up at his profile. He was still smiling, but it wasn't as bright as it usually was. "Not much, really."

"You sure?"

What can I do?
I would die without you.

When Natsu glanced down at her, she knew that there was something he wasn't telling her. Maybe it was something that his enhanced Slayer senses had picked up on, but she couldn't be sure. And she was positive that it wasn't another one of those weird moments that he'd smelled something a little off about her. He couldn't possibly know what she and Bickslow had done that one time in her bed just a few days ago.

After another moment, she looked back down at the ground. There was something she'd yet to tell him or the rest of her team. And now was as good a time as any to talk about it.

"Natsu, what were you planning on doing today?"

"Not sure, really," he chuckled. "I just wanted to hang out with you."

"Do you think…" Lucy sighed and gently grabbed onto his scarf to get him to stop walking for a moment, just when they came to a fork in the road. "Could we stop by your house and get your fishing poles?"

"Lushy, you wanna go fishing?" Happy asked, his eyes wide in amazement. "You hate fishing!"

"Yeah, well…" She smiled at the ground, knocking against a loose bit of stone with her boot. "You guys always talk about how nice it is…"

Natsu's head tilted to the side until he was bent in half, fully able to see the saddened pinch between her brows. "You alright?"

"I just wanna tell you about something," she whispered. "A-And I thought… you guys like fishing. So why not?"

He didn't ask anymore questions after that. Instead, he smiled that same bright Natsu smile that had the tension in her shoulders melting. He grabbed her hand and dragged her through town to his hut. She waited outside while he rushed through the door and grabbed three fishing poles. She already knew that he had an extra one just in case he needed it. Happy hardly ever used a fishing pole.

It wasn't until they were seated on the soft earth next to a lake she hadn't known existed that Lucy finally decided to speak. It took a little bit of preparation, but everything was so calm here. The water lapped gently at the shore, and she took a little extra time to just close her eyes and bask in the stillness and silence of the forest around them.

She'd needed this little bit of serenity.

"Natsu," she said, gaining her companion's attention. "Happy."

"Yeah?" Natsu replied.

There were tears in her eyes when they opened again, but she found the will to move her lips. To form the words that she'd kept to herself for far too long already. "When we were stuck on Tenrou, my dad died."

And just like she knew they would, Natsu and Happy stayed close while she talked about what had happened, the letter she'd gotten and the years of birthday presents that had been left in her apartment. They'd mostly ignored the fishing gear and instead kept her within arm and paw's reach, and they'd listened while she let herself finally just talk about how it left her feeling.

And just like she knew he would, Natsu understood the things she didn't say out loud. That bitter burning sensation in the pit of her stomach over not being able to say goodbye. When her tears fell, his warm arm wrapped around her and he pulled her into his side.

She loved that he was such a good friend to her. All Lucy hoped was that she could be there for him when he needed her the most too.

In your presence my heart knows no shame.
I'm not to blame.

Bickslow made it a whole week before his babies realized what the hell he'd been doing. Papa was the first one to pick up on it, but that was most likely because he knew the signs. Bickslow had been very careful to make it seem as though he was sleeping for at least a few hours every night. Since he always had his babies in Lucy's bedroom while he stayed on the couch, all he had to do was make sure there was something for him to keep his hands occupied.

He'd finished two whole Sudoku books already.

Lucky for him, he supposed, they realized it while Lucy was out with Erza. It meant they couldn't tell her about it right away like the little snitches they were. And she was going to be gone for hours, considering it had something to do with bakeries and sweets. Everyone knew about Erza's cake addiction. How funny it was that no one hassled her about it.

"Bickslow, you were doing so well," Pepe said.

"I understand that this is hard," Papa added, "But you should have told us. You should have told Lucy."

He rubbed the back of his neck and leaned back on the couch, his leg bouncing to get out a little of his excess energy. It had been a bit since he'd really slept, and he needed to let himself come down so he could do just that. But he couldn't have Lucy knowing that he was coming down. She had to see that he was still perfectly fine. "I'm fine," he told the little wooden totems that were lined up on the coffee table. "Babies, I'm better than fine."

"You're using again," Popo said. "That's not fine."

"But I'm not doing it as much," Bickslow shot back. "5 mils at a time, that's nothing compared to before."

"And how long does it last?" Papa asked. Fuck, of course he would ask that.

The reason Bickslow had shot up more than 15 milliliters at a time before was because he just wasn't getting the high he needed. He could do less if it was a solid batch, but he usually couldn't really afford the great stuff. Not unless he took an S Class mission with Laxus and the team. And since the Raijinshuu couldn't take S Class missions anymore without Laxus - not that there were a whole lot for the mages in Fairy Tail to choose from as it was - Bickslow had been forced to seriously ration his drug use.

"I thought so," Papa sighed. "Bickslow, this can't continue. We need to get you clean and tell-"

"You're not fucking telling anyone," he snarled.

"Lucy needs to know," Popo shot back. "She thinks you're still sober, and-"

"And she's gonna keep thinking that, because you guys aren't telling her or anyone else what I'm doing," Bickslow said. His brows drew together as he glared at the little totems. This was his fucking life. They'd all had their own chances at living, and now it was his turn. Did he want to keep using? Hell no. But he needed it. It was the only thing keeping him going right then. Sure, he'd gotten closer with Lucy, but he knew that was only because she thought he was clean.

But he was being careful. He didn't slip up and let her know that he'd been using again. He made sure to inject it in places she wouldn't think to look if she got suspicious. Like his mouth. He'd hated sticking a needle into his gums, and it had left him feeling like he was on the verge of losing all of his teeth at once. He definitely wasn't going to do that again.

"You can't stop us from talking to her!" Pupu shouted. That was definitely surprising. Pupu was the least likely to get riled up about something.

"Yeah," Pepe chimed in. "If we stop talking altogether, she'll know something's wrong. Just like the last time you didn't let us talk to her. She knew you were doing something that we'd tell her about."

"I won't have to do a thing," Bickslow chuckled. He lifted the syringe he'd already prepared and waved it in front of them. "If you tell her, or anyone else about this, I'll never forgive you guys."

"That won't stop me," Popo huffed. "Hate me forever if you want, but we love you, Bickslow. We don't want you killing yourself anymore."

"I'm not killing myself, babies. Don't you see that? I'm figuring out how the hell I'm gonna keep living."

"You don't need drugs for that!" his babies shouted in unison, each of their bodies wriggling on the table in their anger.

"You don't fucking understand!" he shouted right back. "I do need it! Because if I don't have it, then what's the point?"

"The point-" Papa began, going silent when Bickslow spoke again.

"Yeah, I've got Lucy and my team and you guys. I know you all give a damn about me, but what about my mom, huh? Why didn't she care? Why did she have to leave me in that crazy house? What the hell did I ever do to make her hate me so much?" He leaned forward and grabbed at his hair with both hands, his elbows resting on his shaking knees. "I was a kid, babies. I was barely even fucking five when they started treating me like shit. The only thing I remember of my childhood is being hurt and hungry and fucking cold!"

"Bickslow," the totems sighed.

"So the hell what if I shoot up a little bit?" he sneered. "I'm not trying to kill myself. I'm just trying to make the pain stop for a little bit. I just wanna be happy for a change, instead of thinking about how much of a piece of shit mistake of a kid I must have been for my mom to up and ditch me!"

"But Bickslow-" Pipi whispered.

"If you tell anyone, we're done," he hissed. His grip on the syringe tightened marginally. Maybe he needed just one more dose before he let himself come down. Just a couple milliliters. Not too much. Just enough so he wasn't upset anymore. "I really will send all fucking five of you away this time. She won't be able to stop me."

"You wouldn't!" Papa gasped. "Bickslow, we love you!"

There's nothing I can do.
My heart is chained to you.

"Yeah, well then you can prove it!" he bellowed. "Be on my side for a change instead of always siding with Lucy! Ever since she came along, you guys have stuck yourselves to her like some little leeches! And instead of trying to understand what's going on with me, you care more about her and what she wants!"

"Bickslow, we don't-" Pepe said.

"You do," Bickslow hissed. He was done with shouting. And the fire swelling in his chest wasn't helping matters. All it was doing, was killing his fucking high. And he didn't need that. "So I'm not giving you a fucking choice anymore. You're either gonna keep this to yourselves, or I'll send you away. I can force you to move on anytime I want, you know that."

"But you promised," Pipi whimpered.

"I don't wanna move on," Pupu added, its little voice trembling.

"Then don't try and fuck with me anymore," he hissed. "Now, you guys stay here. Killed my fucking high. And here I was ready to start coming down. I'm doing it this time because of you."

He stood from the couch and went into the bathroom. Bickslow pulled down his pants and wrapped his belt around his thigh, searching for the thick vein in his leg that he could use near his crotch. Lucy didn't really see his thighs all that often, and if it was high enough then she definitely wouldn't see it. It was a perfect place to shoot up. She'd been a lot more affectionate lately, so it was starting to get more difficult for him to use any places on his torso. He couldn't let her see the truth.

He stuck the needle into his leg, then pulled back on the plunger to make sure he'd gotten the vein. No luck. There was no blood.

"Motherfucker…"

Bickslow pulled it out and pushed down the plunger just a little to make sure there wasn't any air in the syringe, then tried again. He missed again.

And I can't get free.
Look what this love's done to me.

"Goddamnit. Where's the fucking vein?" he muttered.

The door to the apartment opened and closed, and he heard Lucy and Erza talking while they walked into the living room. Bickslow's eyes widened in horror. He didn't need this shit! He pulled the needle out and rushed over to the shower, nearly tripping over his pants that were still around his knees.

"Tell her I'm jumping in the shower, babies. I was working out," he silently told the totems.

"... Alright, Bickslow," Papa replied. Bickslow didn't care right then that he sounded so defeated. "Whatever you say…"

He put the syringe between his teeth while pulling his clothes off the rest of the way. He left the belt around his thigh while getting into the shower, then sat down as cold water beat down on him. He didn't care how cold it was. He needed this.

He pushed his wet hair out of his eyes, flexing his thigh over and over again to get the stupid fucking vein to pop out even a little. At least the shower was washing away the little dots of blood from the other failed attempts. When he tried again, he succeeded. He pulled back the plunger and saw just a small amount of his blood mixing with the clear liquid waiting inside. Just a couple mils. He wouldn't use all of it. Just a little bit, and he'd be fine.

Just when his finger started to push down, there was a knock on the bathroom door that startled him. The plunger went down all the way. All 17 milliliters shot through him like a bullet, sending his racing heart into overdrive. Fuck that was good.

"Bix?" Lucy called through the door.

"Yeah," he said, trying to hold back the satisfied groan that wanted to bubble out of him. It took him a moment to remove the belt from his leg, but he loosened it enough so it could slide down when he found the will to do it. God, this was wonderful.

"I kinda need to use the bathroom," she said. "Is it alright if I come in there?"

"Emergency?" he asked. "I'm in the shower, so…"

"Well, I started my period on the way back here, and I didn't have anything with me, so…"

Bickslow smiled and licked his lips as his head tipped back against the cold tile wall. "Sure, baby. No peeking though."

She laughed and opened the door to the bathroom. He listened closely as she came in and sat down on the toilet. They didn't speak while she used the toilet, the only sounds in the room coming from the shower and the quiet crinkle of plastic while she grabbed a tampon from the box that always sat on the back of the toilet. "Ugh, this is disgusting."

"That bad?" he asked. His head turned slightly and he looked at the bar of soap sitting in the dish. He should probably get that wet so it smelled like he was actually taking a shower to get clean.

"You don't want me to answer that."

"Come on," he chuckled. His limp hand reached up for the soap and he had to try twice before his fingers closed around it. He didn't bother with a loofah, and instead just rubbed it in slow circles over his chest. Fuck, even rubbing the soap on his body felt amazing. Why had he stopped doing this again? "I'm your boyfriend. You can tell me."

"It feels like Erza stabbed my uterus, and I'm bleeding just as much," she sighed. "This skirt is ruined."

"It can't be that bad."

"It is, Bix." He frowned and peeked his head out of the shower, around the curtain, and looked at her skirt that was pooled around her ankles. That was actually a pretty big stain on the skirt. Damn, maybe she had been stabbed. Lucy pulled up a wad of toilet paper from between her legs, and he cringed when he saw the bright red blood covering most of it. Lucy looked over at him, blinking in surprise when she saw how low his head was. "What are you doing?"

"My legs are total jelly," he chuckled. "Workout was super intense today."

"You're so silly," she giggled. She hesitated before grabbing more toilet paper and wiping again. "Seriously though, I loved this skirt."

"You should talk to Popo," he said.

"How come?" she asked, glaring down at the bloody toilet paper before tossing it into the toilet.

"Popo was a woman when she was still alive. And a lesbian," he said with a smirk, still rubbing soap on his stomach. He moved down to the leg that didn't still have a belt around it. The last thing he needed was for that to make any noise. He wouldn't be able to talk his way out of that one without making himself seem like a total pervert. "Pretty sure she's got some solid pointers on how to get period blood out of clothes."

"I never thought of that," Lucy said, wide-eyed.

"Gimme a sec," he said. He brought his head back into the shower and tried not to laugh at the amount of bubbles covering his body. "Popo, I'm bringing you in here. Lucy needs your help with period things."

Bickslow closed his eyes and focused on the little soul, then pulled it from the totem and transferred it to the box of tampons on the back of the toilet.

"Hi, Lucy," Popo said.

Lucy squeaked, and Bickslow stuck his head out of the shower again to chuckle at his girlfriend. "There you go, baby. Popo can help."

He ignored them after that, since Popo wouldn't be stupid enough to try and tell Lucy anything while he was right there. And he didn't really care all that much how to get blood out of a skirt. Instead, Bickslow focused all his attention on the belt that was still around his leg. He needed to get it off of his leg and stand up. And then he'd have to wait for Lucy to get out of the bathroom so he could deal with the syringe as well.

"Just soak it in cold water for a little bit," Popo said. "It's pretty light, so you could use some peroxide on it to get the stain out too."

"I didn't know that," Lucy said softly.

"Mina, she was my girlfriend for a long time, bled all over the sheets like… every time she got her period," Popo laughed. "I fucking hate that bitch, but it taught me a few things."

"Why do you hate her?" Lucy laughed.

"She cheated on me. I broke her nose. No one cheats on me and gets away with it."

Bickslow smiled and wrapped his hand around the buckle of the belt, then slowly set it off to the side. Finally, he stood and set the syringe down in the soap dish. He got a pretty good head rush, but he couldn't react to it. Lucy was still right there. Instead, he used the soap to lather up his groin, then carefully washed the three punctures in his thigh.

It seriously sucked that he was going to have to go out for more drugs so soon. Oh well, at least he was flying high where he preferred to be.

This was so much better than the bullshit rationing he'd been doing before. Bickslow took a deep breath and grinned. He definitely wasn't going to ration his shit. He wanted to keep this feeling for as long as he could.

And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right.
Even if I try to win the fight.

One of the things that made it so easy to keep this hidden from Lucy was that she was starting to spend more time with her team. She went out with Erza and Gray and Natsu at least once every couple days. Other times, she would spend her days at the guild. Sometimes Bickslow stayed at the guild with her, but he was always able to be a little more like he wanted to be - bouncing around and being the most fun son of a bitch ever created - when they were at the guild. It's what was expected of him when he was there, and Lucy just assumed that he was only trying to play the part so no one would see how different he was while sober.

Plus, he could get away with a bit more if he spent time with his team. And he always made sure to keep Lucy in the know when he was with Freed and Evergreen. He always called her, or she would see him leave the guild with them to go on a short job. And then, on his way back home, he'd stop by his new dealer, Ricky, and get just enough to last him a couple days. And before he got home to Lucy, Bickslow would always stop at a convenience store or some other place where he could use a bathroom. That way, he could undress just enough to shoot up somewhere she'd never think to look.

Even Laxus didn't realize that he was using almost as much as he used to.

Sure, Bickslow had started out just using a little here and there to tide himself over. He'd been weaning himself off, or trying to. But then that one little wonderful fuck-up in the shower had been all he'd needed to remember why he loved riding this high.

And it was why he was nearly skipping as he made his way back home to Lucy that afternoon. He'd already gotten his fix, and he'd splurged just a little to really feel the thrill of a good batch in the next few days.

He was going to need it if he and Lucy were going to take this mission she was so excited about. Because it was just going to be himself and Lucy. They weren't taking their teams along, and they also weren't telling either of their teams about it. It was just going to be the two of them, and this had been all his damn idea when he'd been tweaking and trying with everything he was worth to not let her know about it.

She'd wanted to know why he was so excited. And he'd had to make something up on the spot. His bright idea had been to tell her that he wanted to take a job, just the two of them, where they could just spend some time together away from Magnolia.

She'd fallen for it, and had smiled so wide that he'd nearly been blinded.

Bickslow couldn't help but grin when he thought about the way she'd tackled him to the couch and kissed him until it had turned into more. Until he'd been pinned to the couch with his hands pushing her skirt up just enough to feel her bare ass under his groping fingers. He had a feeling there would have been something even better just around the corner for them if Loke hadn't opened his gate and ruined the moment just before Lucy could unzip his damn pants.

But that could wait, he supposed.

They didn't need to rush into that. He could be patient. Maybe he could get her pants off instead and bury his face between her legs. Maybe he'd be able to really get her to scream with just his tongue.

Lucy's apartment building came into view, and he laughed while hopping on his babies. They were silent a lot more often those days, but at least he didn't have to listen to them bitching at him all the time about using meth. Papa was the only one who understood how amazing this felt, but for him… it was only memories. Bickslow was still living it, loving it.

And as he flew through the air and right toward Lucy's open window, he took a deep breath of the air flying past him.

"Mm, my Cosplayer's cooking chicken tonight," he hummed. "C'mon, babies. Let's go get some dinner. And then maybe I'll get another shot in later tonight."

"When was the last time you slept?" Papa asked.

"Who cares?" Bickslow laughed. "I don't need shit like that. Just my baby's food and kisses, and…" He trailed off when he saw her through the window, wearing one of his shirts and a pair of denim shorts. "Fuck, she's sexy. Let's get there yesterday. I need to lick me some Cosplayer thighs!"

"... Whatever you say, Bickslow," the totems murmured.

My heart would overrule my mind.
And I'm not strong enough to stay away.